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[party music]

[salsa music]

[Beach Boys singing
"Sloop John B"]

* My grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau
town, we did roam *

* Drinking all night *

* Got into a fight *

* Oh yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I want to go home *

* So hoist up
the John B's sail *

* Hoist up the
John B's sail *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* Call for the Captain ashore
let me go home *

* Let me go home *

* I wanna go home, yeah yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I wanna go home *

[humming]

[humming continues]

* Why don't you leave
me alone, yeah yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up
I wanna go home *

[laughing]

Hey, you're
not nervous, are you?

A little.

Oh, Sam!

You're a kind, caring,
responsible young man.

And I know that
if you just be yourself.

Everyone's gonna end up
loving you as much as we do.

And that is a whole
heck of a lot.

I love you buddy.

[kissing]
Mmm!

I love you guys too.
Thanks.

[people chattering]

[guitar music]

(male #1)
'Yeah, man, short
is the new tall.'

Are you sure,
he's a senior?

- Nice haircut.
- Thanks. M-My mom cuts it.

You must be Sam Leonard!

- Yes.
- I'm Principal Hayes.

But if you prefer
to call me Marcus

that's perfectly
alright with me.

Thanks. Thanks, Marcus.

Come on, I'll walk
you to your locker.

I just want you to know,
what a pleasure it is

to have you joining our student
body for your senior year.

I'm-I'm glad
to be here too, sir.

Great, really great!

Of course, your parents
have already informed me

you're in the running for the
Math Association scholarship.

That's quite an accomplishment.

Well, I-I haven't won
anything yet but thank you.

This is your locker.
It's one of my favorites.

This is your welcome package.

Go Possums.

Sam, you have a great first day.

Hey, Jack.

Those are fantastic
new sneakers you have on.

[Sam humming]

What is that you were humming?

Uh, it-it was nothing.

No, I liked it, what was it?

Uh, Sloop John B
by The Beach Boys.

- Shhh!
- Who?

Uh, they were pioneers of surf
music back in the '60s.

Oh, can you sing that
song you were humming

so I can see if I know it?

Well-well, alright.

* So hoist up
the John B's sail *

* See how the mainsails set *

* Call for the captain ashore *

* Let me go home.
Let me go home *

- You know it?
- No, no, keep going.

* I wanna go home *

* Yeah yeah yeah *

* De de de de de de *

[everyone laughing]

They can't hear you, little man.

[laughing continues]

I don't know the rest.

[bell ringing]

You gotta toughen up, newbie.

And...I would have gone with
something more like Surfin' USA

or Little Deuce Coupe.

[blowing whistle]

Alright, let's hit the showers.

Hey, hold on.
Who's uh, Sam Leonard?

I got your parents note and
wearing your bathing suit

in the shower is fine.

[everyone laughing]

Thank you, sir.

[knocking on door]

You need a note
to get out of gym?

(Sam Leonard)
'Uh, no.'

Condoms?

Actually, I was just looking
for a little guidance.

What exactly does
that have to do with me?

Aren't you a guidance counselor?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
Have a seat, buddy.

Don't drop anything.

Why don't you tell me a little
bit about your problem, name?

Today was my first day here

and-and I thought this
school might be different

but I'm already getting
absolutely killed.

Life isn't a sprint,
it's a marathon.

Oh, well...uh, right.

I start out being
myself, you know?

I-I try being friendly
and nice, but clearly

I'm doing something wrong.

I believe it was Thomas
Jefferson that once said

"Honesty is the first
chapter in the book of wisdom."

Come on, man.
I need some real help here.

This is my senior
year, you know?

I definitely can't do another
year as the short, weird kid.

Look, what do you want, pal?
You want tail, is that it?

No. I-I mean, yeah, someday,
but...it's not what I'm after.

I just, I just want one
last shot at being cool.

Yeah, and I want to live next to
a Xanax factory with no locks.

It's not gonna happen.

Listen, I know where
you're coming from.

I was there once, okay?
Rough childhood, right?

Mommy drinks too much, daddy's
in and out of jail, is that it?

My dad's a flight
attendant for..

I'm sorry, your dad's
a stewardess?

[laughing]

Okay, I'm sorry.

Alright, a-are
you good at anything?

Are you good at
video games, sports

forging your
parents' signatures?

I'm, I'm somewhat of
a math wiz. At my last school

my teacher used to call me
his prince polynomials.

[laughing]

Don't ever say that
out loud again, okay?

Alright, hey,
kid. Kid?

You wanna know
the truth? Okay.

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is
the truth sucks.

We live in a moral
cesspool of lies.

I've tried to live my life
honestly and look at me.

I'm a high school
guidance counselor

with a freakishly high tolerance

for prescription
pain medication.

You think this is my dream?
You think when I was growing up

I had posters on the wall
of guidance counselors?

Look, if you wanna
get anything out of life

you gotta put some spin
on the ball, okay?

You want, you want kids here to
like you at school, you lie.

Lie about who you are
where you're from, what you got.

They'll believe you
because they're dumb, okay?

In fact, if you remember
one thing from your 5 years of

high school in our
society winners always lie

and liars always win.

And don't do drugs.

* Let me go home
Why don't you let me go home *

* Hoist up the John B's sail
Hoist up the John B's sail *

(Mr. Leonard)
'Yea-eah-eah! Chug-A-chug.

[laughing]

Hey, hey. What about our..

I'm sorry, but you
should go now. Thanks.

Dude, sweet as sugar syrup.

Uh, yeah, I know it's
totally embarrassing having

my parents drop me off while my,
um, uh...porsche is in the shop.

You have a Porsche?

Yeah, she's getting all...
pimped out right now.

So, uh, just, you
know keep on D.L.

[guitar music]

- Hey, um, idiot.
- Oh, hey.

When you signed this picture
yourself, you misspelled Carmen.

Yeah, man, who's Camren Electra?

Ah, come on, come on guys that,
that's not, that's not cool.

I mean, everybody everybody
knows that she's dyslexic.

Trust me, I-I know, she's a
friend from back in L.A.

Great girl.

'You know, now that
I think about it..'

...I'm pretty sure
she is dyslexic.

Yeah, you know what? I think

I remember reading
something about that too.

- Where-where are you going?
- Kyle?

[bell ringing]

Out of all the others,
I have chosen you.

Excuse me?

I didn't have time
to do my homework

So, I have chosen you
to give me the answers.

And, if I like your work

we can have an arrangement
where you give me the answers

for the rest of the year.

I didn't do it either.

Yeah, you should probably, just
choose someone else, please

because I-I
really suck at math.

Seriously, I'm-I'm like,
I'm like a pre-schooler.

Alright, everyone,
let's have your homework.

(male #2)
'Yes. Thank you, thank you.'

Thank you.

Can you hand me
your homework, please?

I don't have it.

- Now, why would that be?
- My dog ate it?

[everyone laughing]

Your dog ate it?

Uh...he has this fetish and he's
constantly eating my homework.

I'm not sure that joining
the no-homework club

your first week here

is the best way for you
to get that math scholarship.

[bell ringing]

Any more forced singing?

- Oh. Hey.
- I'm Annie.

Sam.

- Good morning, readers.
- Morning, Mrs. Moran.

[jazz music]

Please, don't tell me
you're one of those guys

who actually thinks he has
a shot with his teacher.

Ahem. No.
No, no, no.

Not one of those guys.

Because I actually
do have a shot.

Really? And why is that?

Well, let's just say that..

...if things ended up
getting hot and heavy

wouldn't be the first time.

At my last school, my social
studies teacher had a huge crush

on me like she was in love with
me, like she wanted to marry me.

She ended up leaving her
husband was forced to resign.

Because of that,
now I know...that

Mrs. Moran will
be into me as well.

Are you drunk?

Alright, for our Othello
project, I'd like everyone

to partner up with someone today
so that you can all get started.

I hate group projects.

I always end up doing
all of the work.

Huh. Tell me about it.

You wanna partner up?

[laughing]

I guess it can't hurt to share
a grade with a guy who's having

a steamy affair
with the teacher.

[blues music]

* I'm comin' over *

* See me down at the station *

* By the lane
with my hands in my pocket *

* Jinglin' a wish coin
that I stole from a fountain *

* That was drowning all
the cares in the world *

* When I get older climbin' up
on the back porch fence *

* Just to see the dogs runnin' *

* With a ring and a question *

* And my shiverin'
voice is singin' *

* Through a crack in the window
Na, na-na-na-na *

* I better go it alone *

* Na na-na-na-na *

* I better go it alone *

* Na na-na-na-na *

Hey, so you wanna
go sit over there?

They totally humiliated
you yesterday.

That table is
the land of milk and honey.

It's the same in every school.

Always laughing,
always cool and charming.

Always happy. I mean,
who wouldn't want that?

Please, that's just what
they want you to think.

Trust me, their lives suck.
Just as bad as ours.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?

Who's that?

Vicki Sanders.
There you go, start dating her

and you can sit
there all you want.

[orchestra music]

- Sam?
- What?

- You know I'm joking, right?
- It's-It's perfect.

It's exactly what I gotta do.

No, she dates
basketball players.

Specifically, Kyle Plunkett.

You'll get assassinated
if you ask her out.

Or maybe, just maybe, she'll
say yes and before you know it

I'll be sitting over there,
swapping "how do you dos"

with the Bridgeport elite.

[laughing]

[guitar music]

I'm sorry. This seat's saved.

[everyone laughing]

But there wasn't
even a chair here.

Oh. There is now. Thank you.

[laughing]

Look at this kid.
Isn't he short?

(male #1)
'What a loser.'

(male #2)
'Where's the golf course?'

[everyone laughing]

Should we go shopping
for engagement rings now?

Actually, if you must know
it went just as I expected.

Wow, you set amazingly low goals
for yourself. I like it.

You can't just expect her
to jump into my arms

right in front of Kyle.

- But there was something there?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.

I mean, tch,
we have major chemistry.

So, you've been
here what, a day?

And already Mrs. Moran and Vicki
Sanders are lusting after you?

Uh, well, you know
they're, uh, different.

Really? How are they different?

Well, you see Vicki
is more of the, ahem

dangerous stalker,
sex in the bathroom

Spanish soap opera type, and--

Okay, stop.
That's not possible.

I have Spanish with Vicki

and she can't conjugate
a verb to save her life.

Cut the crap. Look,
I-I get it you're lying

to-to jazz up your
otherwise miserable life.

But hanging out with them
really cannot be worth all this.

Some of you guys
may've heard

my, uh, my house got
vandalized after our last loss.

- Uh, again. Heh-heh.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Uh, we're gonna be cutting
practice a little short today

so I can go buy
a new garage door.

[laughing]

[laughing]

- 'Ha-ha-ha.'
- 'Woo!'

(male #3)
'Does he shave his legs?'

(Coach Henderson)
'Uhh, start with
two lines of lay-up drills.'

Hey. Who are you?

I'm, uh, Sam Leonard.

- Who sent you?
- Uh, n-no one.

I'm transferred into your class,
I was hoping to be on the team.

We're last and in the middle of
a 4-game losing streak, right?

Oh, but-yeah, but it's not
always about winning, right?

Not in Bridgeport. He-he.

Come on kid! I don't think we'll
have a uniform that fits you.

I mean, the-the shorts are
gonna go up to your nipples.

I was the star point guard
at my, uh, last school.

Was that a boys' school?

Seriously, coach, I never,
never miss a shot.

My bad.

* Pistol of fire
pistol of fire *

* Pistol of fire *

* Shattered the frame *

* Go hug your sister
go love your sister *

* Go hug your sister
one and the same *

* Aaaow *

* Come home for that
rooster crows *

Aaagh!

(male #3)
'Last time I got
basketball scholarship.'

- 'Awesome!'
- 'What's a scholarship?'

Check this out. Not only
does he play like a girl

but he must be hung
like one too.

[everyone laughing]

It-it's not small.

- Oh, yeah, man.
- Yeah, right.

Look, look, if you
just admitted you had a micro

we would tease you
a little and then let it go.

But when you lie
to our faces it insults us

and we have to make
an issue out of it.

So just admit
you're sporting a chapstick.

- Ha-ha-ha, chapstick!
- Ha ha!

And we'll let it go!

The-The truth and matter is...
I'm hung like a newborn.

- Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
- You see!

- Even he admits it.
- Ha-ha-ha.

7 pounds, 18 inches.

The-The coach made me
promise to keep it covered

so I wouldn't hurt
your self-esteem

right before the next game.

Dude, that would,
that would really scare me.

What? You're not
believing this dwarf?

[car honking]

Hey, guess who got
two tickets to Homecoming.

Ah, you're joking, right?

Get in.

Will Vicki be picking you up?

Or will you be escorting
her on your bike?

Uhh, I'm not gonna ask Vicki.

Why, what happened? I thought
you guys really had something.

'That is just it.'

I got a note in
my-my locker from Kyle

basically warning me
to stay away from her.

Well, that sounds
really threatening.

'He said that if
I didn't stay away from her.'

Well, then he would douse
me in some sort of common

household cleanser
pull me behind his truck

and, uh, hook my nuts
up to a car battery.

Yeah, I think he
even wrote it in blood.

Who are you gonna ask, then?

* Well I'm reading this poem
and it's so profound *

* And I-I like its rhythm *

My mom's an artist.
Avant-garde.

'Her work's way out there.'

Very famous, Jill Leonard,
perhaps you heard of her?

* And I start to realize *

You wanna go to Homecoming?

My name's Sam Leonard, and my
dad's a pretty big rock star.

Isn't your dad a little
old to be a rock star?

Uhh, well, yeah-well, it's not
really a current band.

Well, what band is it?

- Poison.
- Ha-ha, Poison?

That horrible hair
metal band from the '80s?

Anyway, my dad's like
making this huge comeback

so if you're interested in maybe
getting some backstage passes..

Maybe you and I could
talk about it at homecoming.

5, 6, 7, 8!

Got kicked out
of school for sending

the principal to the hospital.

[car honking]

And if this new one
even looks at me funny.

Ge might be making a trip
to the E.R. as well.

Awesome. So, I was thinking,
you know maybe you wanna

go to homecoming with me
to watch me kick his ass.

* Lies, lies, lies, lies *

* Lies lies, lies lies *

* Lies, lies, lies,
lies, lies, lies, lies *

(Annie)
'So, you find your
big homecoming date yet?'

No, and I literally asked
out every girl in school

who doesn't take the short bus.

Well, I don't take
the short bus.

Yeah, but, I'm only
trying to ask out girls

who I'm 99% sure will say no.
You're a full 100%.

Well, that was in the past.
Things change, people change.

Alright, Annie, do you wanna go
to Homecoming with me?

- No, I hate Homecoming.
- Appreciate it.

[phone ringing]

(Mr. Leonard)
'Good evening?'

(Mrs. Leonard)
'How do you like
the brussels sprouts?'

(Mr. Leonard)
'Oh, yes, Hello.'

- Mmmm! They're great.
- Really?

I'd have them
every meal if I could.

(Mr. Leonard)
'I appreciate you calling.'
Well, thank you.'

Sam, that was your
math teacher, Mr. Von Der Ahe.

He's worried you might be
getting off on the wrong foot

'since you didn't do
your first homework assignment.'

Sam, is this true?

I can't believe that you'd
jeopardize your chance

at the scholarship like this.

No, no.
I-I did my homework.

'Oh, so you're saying
the teacher's lying?'

I did my homework
but I told him I didn't.

- So you're the one who's lying.
- Yeah, I guess, in a way, but--

You know what they say
about liars, don't you, Sam?

That-that their
pants are on fire?

Oh, no. Please don't.

(Mr. Leonard)
'Sam, Sam.'

[blowing conch shell]

Leonard family meeting
will now come to order.

- Hank Leonard.
- Here.

- Jill Leonard.
- Okay, we're clearly all here--

- Jill Leonard.
- Here.

Sam Leonard.

Are-are you kidding?
You know I'm here--

- Sam Leonard.
- Okay.

You know what?

Here.

You know the meeting rules,
nothing but the truth.

Now, why have you been lying?

You guys have no idea
how hard it is out there.

I'm down in the trenches every
day trying to make people

actually like me.

A-and do you know
how embarrassing it is

having my entire family
drop me off at school in that

piece-of-crap car kissing
and hugging you

like some sort of baby? Do you?

Well, Sam, w-what
can we do to help?

'Nothing.'

Look, Sam. Maybe if you could
just explain to us why you lied.

Because lying works. People
actually like me when I lie.

No, Sam, you have got to be
yourself! People will love you--

Oh, dad, cut it. That's
the biggest lie of all.

Being yourself works great
if you're actually great

but what if you're
a massive loser like me?

Okay, that is it.
No more lying, end of story.

No. Not end of story.

My life sucks and lying is the
only thing that makes it better.

That's why I lied today
and I'm gonna lie tomorrow

and that's why there's nothing
anyone can do to stop me.

Oh!

Oh, that's great.
That's really just great!

[opera music]

[panting]

[alarm ringing]

[growling]

What are you..

Let go!

Just gimme the..

[rock music]

* I've spent my
whole life surrounded *

* And I've spent
my whole life alone *

* I wonder why
I never wonder why *

* The easiest things
are so hard *

* Oh something *

* Something for nothing *

* Oh something *

* Something for nothing *

Good morning, Sam.
How you doin', fella?

What the hell's
that supposed to mean?

I was just wondering
how you're getting along.

You know what, Marcus?
I don't need you wondering

about me anymore, okay?
I can wonder myself, thank you.

- Y-you alright, Sam?
- Keep it up and find out.

Annie, there is something
really wrong with me.

- You just figured that out?
- No, I'm serious.

- Good morning, readers.
- Hey, Mrs. Moran.

I don't know what it is, okay?

All I know is something
really freaky is going on.

Hi, Samuel.

Oh, uh, hi...Mrs. Moran.

Ahem.

Alright, before we get started
today, I'd like to know

'who you're partnered up with
for our Shakespeare project.'

- So, uh, Kevin?
- Uh, I'm with Paul.

- Alexis?
- Ashley.

Mm-hmm.

Samuel?

Oh, Annie.

Oh.

Right, in Shakespeare's Othello.

Who can tell me, what
is the core irony of Iago?

Annie.

The core irony of Iago
is that he's viewed by everyone

in the play as a moral
and trustworthy individual

'of the highest order.'

'But his true character
is that of an immoral liar'

'who manipulates everyone
in the name of bettering'

his personal circumstances.

No. Wrong.

Samuel?

I-I-I don't know.

But I think some
pretty bad stuff happens.

[everyone laughing]

That is exactly right.

The core irony
of Shakespeare's Othello

is as Samuel so
eloquently points out to us

some pretty bad
stuff, does happen.

Thank you, Samuel.

[bell ringing]

What is this?

My homework.

It's five-sixteenths
of your homework.

Look, Mr. Von Der, I swear, I
can do this stuff in my sleep.

In that case you'll
have no difficulty

in solving the problem
on the board.

Alright.

[orchestra music]

First let's take the square
of, I think, right here.

Addition it.

Over 2.

Do you have the answer, Sam?

It's unsolvable. Can't be done.

[everyone laughing]

Hey, good workout,
buddy, killer stuff.

Holy Jesus. Is that thing real?

Dude, it's like a firehose.

Oh, no, no, it's thicker.
It's like...bridge cable.

* Hoo hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo *

* Well it's mine
and I'm happy *

* I can't help it it's just me *

* If you're wondering
what happened *

* That's keepin' me laughin'
just you look and you can see *

* Doesn't matter what they think
doesn't matter what they say *

* Doesn't matter 'cause
I'm happy now *

* If you think at any time
that they listened to me *

* They'd see
I'm happy 'cause I'm me-e-e *

* That I'm happy I can't
help it it's just me *

* If you wondered what happened
that's keepin' me laughing.. *

Annie.

Not even a passing
glance at their table

are you feeling okay?

Yes.

- I...am.
- Oh.

I just hit puberty.

- Overnight?
- N-yes.

You've gotta see, it's the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I even had to adjust it.

I think, you're gonna have
to adjust your medication

because it's
obviously way too low.

I'm serious. I-I don't
know, what's going on?

But something really
freaky is happening.

Hola.

How are you today, Sam?

Sam?

Uh...fine.

I was just wondering
if you were--

Uh...hello.

Oh, I didn't even see you there.

So, I'm organizing
Homecoming this year

and I'm just trying
to figure out who's coming.

I'd rather be flogged
with wet bamboo.

Oh...what about you, Sam?

Sam?

Uh.

I am so...going to Homecoming.

Fantastic, because
I think, this could be

the best Homecoming ever.

I too think this could be
the best Homecoming ever.

- Vicki Sanders.
- You've gotta be kidding me.

I mean...who knows what
could happen there?

Well, adios, Sam.

I told you something
was happening.

Ha-ha, okay.
That was a little weird.

It's been happening all day.
Cold-cocking Principal Hayes

- Mrs. Moran flirting with me--
- Don't forget your..

Mm. So funny you
should remember that.

You were so proud of it.

- Oh, my God.
- What? What's wrong?

All my lies are coming true.

You're about to fly
off the planet, man.

No, no, seriously.
Think about it.

Each and every one
of those things, I lied about.

The broken mirror.

Okay, Sam, your lies are not
magically coming true overnight.

It's just a big series
of coincidences, okay?

- I promise.
- Jesus had his doubters too.

Wow, okay, um.
That's my cue, I gotta go.

Or maybe something magical
clashes with your jaded

cynical view of the world.

Are you saying all this to
get out of writing our paper?

No, I'm gonna do it.

Okay, so, um...let's meet
in two hours in the library.

Okay. I'll see you at six.

2 o'clock, Sam...in the library.
Don't let me down.

- Ahem.
- Oh, hey.

Are you and that girl
from lunch dating?

- Uh-no, uh, no.
- Good.

Look, I'm way hungry. Do you
wanna go get something to eat?

I-I'd like to really, but...
I-I'm supposed to meet Annie

sometime soon in the library...
to work on a project.

Well...are you sure
that you can't join me?

- Um.
- Hm?

No.

Good.

Let's go. Heh.

[instrumental music]

(Vicki Sanders)
Yeah, I have like
the ugliest nose in the world.

(Sam)
You're crazy,
it's-it's beautiful.

Aww. That's sweet.

Look, I have to get going.
Have to meet Kyle.

But I'm having a party
at my house this weekend.

Do you think you might
be able to make it?

Yeah. I-I mean...yeah,
sounds-sounds fad.

Of course.

[music continues]

[grunting]

* Going to a party *

* Going to *

What the..

[jazz music]

(female #1)
'Sally Berkeley.'

(female #1)
'Woman as landscape.'

Heady, Jill, heady.

But this begs the question.

Are the legs opening or closing
on the female experience?

(male #4)
'It's very third rate.'

Aw, is-is-is that a woman's..

Oh. God. Mom!

- What's going on here?
- Impromptu art jam, Sam.

I had to show some friends
my latest work.

Self-portrait in pink.

Oh, God, okay.
Oh, God. Alright.

Childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma.

Don't mind us, sweetie.
Just grab a latte and a scone.

Childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma.

Oh. Oh.

Okay. Childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma.

(Sam)
'That's what I'm trying
to tell you.'

(Sam)
'More of my lies
are coming true.'

My mom paints female...you know.

Female private parts now.

And why would you lie
about that?

I didn't. I lied about her being
an avant-garde artist

and now our house is some sort
of installation art piece.

Look, Annie,
that's why I'm calling.

- What other lies have I told?
- Well, let's see. Here's one.

"I'll meet you in the library
at two o'clock, Annie."

I'm sorry.

But, uh, the guidance counselor

called me in for
a really important meeting.

Sam, I've met
the guidance counselor.

Look, Annie, I'm super sorry
I flaked on you.

Well, sorry doesn't
write our paper by tomorrow.

It's not gonna be a problem.
I'll do it.

All by myself, okay?
I promise.

No, no, no.

Gi-Give me..

[dog snarling]

Give me that homework.

No.

Give me the homework.
Give me..

[dog growling]

Ugh.

[dog scratching the door]

- Si, si. Ciao.
- Mom?

A critic saw one of my pieces
at the community center

'told his friends.'

And when you get traction
in the art world

you've gotta leverage it.

I guess.

Look, mom, do you think you
could help me with something?

Love to, but my agent wants me
in Gstaad for an opening.

- So, perhaps when I get back.
- Sure.

Uh, then, do you know
if dad's around?

I-I just really need to
talk to somebody.

There's some pretty
weird stuff goin' on.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Dad, what are you wearing?

I just got in from my gig.

What gig?

Man, this comeback tour's way
harder than I expected it to be.

Ah.

So, you're in Poison.

Was in Poison, son. Was.

But, ah, this solo gig
is gonna put me

right back up on
the top again. Whoo. Ow.

God, you smell like
Pabst Blue Ribbon.

That's a compliment coming from
Vincent Van Beaver over there.

(Mrs. Leonard)
'It's art, Hank.'

Maybe to a gynecologist.

I have to get to the airport.

Are you sober enough
to drive Sam to school?

I doubt it.
He can drive himself.

- What?
- I really gotta hit the rack.

Just try and keep her under 100,
huh, Sambo?

Under 100?

Sambo?

Ugh.

Dad?

Mom?

* Well I'm a weapon
of mass destruction *

* Got no apologies
for a hyper concussion *

I might not die a virgin
after all.

* Take your love and turn it
into obscenity *

* You say that I don't care
about *

* All the little things
that you care about *

* All the..*

[engine starting]

* things that
I don't care about *

* All the little things
that make you wanna shout *

[engine starting]

* Ah, me, me, me is all you say
that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all
I ever wanna talk about *

* Me, me, me, me is what you
think that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all
I really wanna.. *

[engine sputtering]

That is a gorgeous car
you have there, Sam.

* And all the kids
on the street *

* They think I'm neat,
neat, neat, neat, neat *

[bell ringing]

Did you finish the paper?

'You've got to be kidding me.'

Look, when it's your life
you're messing up, that's fine

but don't bring me down
with you.

I'm sorry, okay?
I'll make it up. I promise.

How? She's gonna give us
an F on the paper, Sam.

Maybe not.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, uh, you're never gonna
believe this, but..

...my-my dog ate my paper.

And it-it's kinda hard
to read, but if you still want--

I definitely still want it.

Okay.

Looks like you have
a very bad dog, Samuel.

Did you spank her
like a naughty bitch?

Because she sounds
like a naughty bitch.

We-we, uh, we-we
discipline her sometimes.

Well, it looks like you
need to discipline her harder.

Wow. Okay.
Well, uh..

Okay. Thank you so much
for being so cool about that.

I'm just gonna go back
to my seat now.

I have a feeling we're gonna
do great on this paper.

[crowd jeering]

Henderson sucks.
Henderson sucks.

Defense. Defense,
that's your man.

What is that?

Henderson sucks.

I got it.

- What? No, ref.
- 15 green, foul.

- Come on.
- That's 5, coach.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's 5. You're done, son.

- What? What? What?
- Hey, hey, you gotta sit down.

That's 5 fouls, Kyle.
He says you gotta sit.

- What?
- Coach, you need a replacement.

I don't got anybody else.
They're all fouled out.

What about the little guy
over there?

- How about we play with four?
- Five or you forfeit.

Fine.

Leonard, you're in.

What?

You're in.

[percussion music]

I'm open. I'm open.

[crowd booing]

That's our basket, douche bag.
You know what?

Just stay the hell back here
and try not to touch the ball.

- 'You suck.'
- 'Come on.'

[coach whistling]

[crowd cheering]

Okay, let's run that play again.

* I wanna check
into the Paris Hilton *

* Trade inside like Mr. Milken *

* Ice-cream and cherries,
it's very necessary *

* To pick me some
Halle Berries *

* You better believe
I want to try it *

* To climb the mountains
of Salma Hayek *

* Hotter than lava
Brazilian hot mama *

* it's Adriana
it's Adriana Lima oh *

* Oh oh-oh-oh-oh oh..*

Time, time, time.
Get in here.

Get in here. Huddle up.

Alright, boys.

What did I always tell you
the Possums' motto was?

When the going gets tough,
we lay down and play dead?

Tonight, we stand a chance.
Let's get out and try

to win this here.
76-74. So, the only shot

we can think about taking is a..

- Three-pointer.
- Free throw.

- Free throw is one point.
- I know.

Leonard, look on the scoreboard.
We're down by...what?

Uh, 13 and a half.

- What?
- Seven-eighths.

But-but then you have to--

- We need a 3-pointer.
- Okay.

What play shall we do, coach?

What does it matter?
You get the ball to Leonard

he can kick it in
for all I care.

Anybody got a better idea
than that?

- No.
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Give it to me.

- Possums!
- Oh!

We really got this.
Nothing to worry about.

[theme music continues]

* Oh oh-oh-oh-oh oh *

* I'm on fire *

* Yeah mama
let's have some fun *

* Come on come on *

[phone ringing]

Hello, BDI.

- 'I can prove it.'
- What?

(Sam over phone)
'That my lies are coming true.'

- Sam?
- 'Uh, look out the window.'

* Along with fear *

* There goes the fear again *

* There goes the fear *

* And cars speed fast *

* Out of here *

Hey, where did you get this car?

- You wanna come to a party?
- No, not really.

There's a huge basketball keg
party at Vicki Sanders' house.

Really? Kegs, basketball guys
and Vicki Sanders. Let's go.

How can you adequately mock this
party if you're not there?

Look, just think about how much
more above it all you'll be

if you come.

[rock music theme]

Yo, Bridge Cable, you the man!

Since when are you friends
with the super-size kids?

I kinda helped
win the game today.

Kinda? He single-handedly
won the game.

And now every girl at school
is asking about him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Who-who-who specifically?

Okay, everyone wants to know
who you're taking to Homecoming.

I don't-I don't know.
I'm still, you know

weighing out my,
ahem, options. Right?

[speaking Spanish]

* The sun shone down
The world seems right *

* During the day it feels
like night *

* I'm shot down.. *

Dude, your girl is totally
freaking Bridge Cable.

* You never know what
you might find *

[music continues]

Oh.

Man, I've never seen Vicki
dance like that before.

I've never seen anyone
dance like that before.

Ha ha ha.

* I'm shot down
I'm gripping tight *

* You never know what
you might find *

[crowd cheering]

I'm sure it's nothing
though, dude.

Whatever. The kid
is still a loser.

Is that Carmen Electra?

Is Sam Leonard here?

[silence]

Hey. I heard about
your game on the radio

and I just had to come by
and say congratulations.

I baked you a cake.

Oh, Sammy.

I am so proud of you.

(male #5)
'That's my boy.'

- 'Whoo-hoo.'
- 'Yeah.'

(Sam)
Cake, anyone?

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music]

[speaking Spanish]

- What?
- Kiss me, my love.

Wait, wait, wait.
Vicki, what about Kyle?

Oh, he's cool with this.

Look, just because she went
into the bathroom

with a really well-hung
basketball stud slash rock star

who drives a Porsche and hangs
out with smokin' hot mamas

that doesn't mean
anything's going on.

Yeah, maybe they're
just chatting.

Oh, Vicki Sanders' left boob.

Unbelievable.

Can I?

Oh. Gracias.

Okay. Okay.

Enough of the kids' stuff.

I'm ready, Sam.

- Okay...for what?
- To lose my virginity.

- Wh-what? To-to me?
- To you.

- Now?
- Now.

Vicki, we're in a bathroom.
Don't you want it to be special?

Aw. That's what
you're supposed to say.

- It's a belt.
- No, I think it..

Oh...my...God.

[speaking Spanish]

- 'It's not what you think.'
- Yes, it is.

Please, don't kill me.

(Vicki)
'Sam!'

Go, Sam. Go!

[music continues]

* Ah, me, me, me, me is all you
think that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all
I ever wanna talk *

[speaking Spanish]

You're my boyfriend now.

I'm over Kyle,
I love you now.

- Hey, Sam.
- Hey.

(female #2)
'Hi, Sam.'

(male #5)
'Bridge Cable.'

Sam, can I talk to you?

This-this'll just take a minute.

Okay.

So, uh, what's up?

Oh. Um, okay.

Well, uh.

What I wanted to
tell you is...um.

I bought two tickets
to Homecoming.

You? Homecoming?

Annie, thi-this is huge.

Wh-wh-what made you
change your mind?

You were so excited about it.
So, I thought...what the hell.

So, uh, who are you going with?

Uh, um.

You're not the only one
that-that hasn't been

completely honest here.

I just-I just think that-that
what we have together

is really cool.
And I just thought..

...maybe we could explore it
a little further.

Wow.

I-I don't-I don't know
what to say.

Oh, God, this is so high school.

Do you wanna go
to Homecoming with me?

Umm, but
I'm with-I'm with Vicki.

But...Vicki's a stupid ho.

Yeah, okay, but..

...you don't just leave the
hottest, most popular girl

in school for..

For someone like me.

Annie, I-I didn't mean it
like that, it was just..

You are pathetic.

I got a call from a scout
at State last night

saying that I'm no longer
on the recruiting list.

This kid stole my girlfriend,
my point guard position

and my future, in one day.

'He even stole my parking spot,
for Christ's sakes.'

That parking spot thing, man,
that's totally uncalled for.

This kid needs to pay!

Yeah, you know what? How about
we dress him up as a cheerleader

push him into a stall
in the girls' bathroom

and give him a swirly?

Wait. Or, we could, uh,
smear peanut butter in his hair

shave off his eyebrows,
and then parade him

around the cafeteria at lunch.

That's awesome.

Or, or, or how about we douse
him in some sort of

common household cleanser,
pull him behind my truck

and hook his nuts
up to my car battery?

[piano music]

I just wanted to have this
little sit-down with you, Sam

uh, because Mr. Von Der Ahe
has informed me that..

...you haven't turned in any
homework since you started.

'I have no choice but to..'

...take you out of the running
for the math scholarship.

'It's also district policy
that I put you on probation.'

Which means, unfortunately,
that one more slip-up and..

...I have to expel you.

Are you sure there isn't
anything you'd like to say?

Bite me, Marcus!

(Mrs. Leonard)
'I get two monkeys..'

Well, I get the
coconut monkeys then.

Oh, fine.

Hank, I'm tired of fighting
about the coconut monkeys.

Go ahead and take
the coconut monkeys.

What's going on?
What-what are you guys doing?

- Dividing up our stuff.
- We're getting divorced.

Didn't you read the post-it note
we put on the fridge?

The-the post-it?

What?

We've just grown apart. I mean,
I'm a rock star on his comeback

and she paints hoo-has.
How could it ever work?

We'll talk about this later, but
I'm supposed to be in Prague.

No, you-you can't leave.
I-I need you guys.

Aww, Sam, I know it may seem

like your world's coming to
an end, but it's not, okay?

It's just adolescence.
This too shall pass.

No, mom, it's a little
more than that.

Look, I told all these lies, and
now they've magically come true

and I can't get out of it.

He gets his creativity
from my side of the family.

No, I'm-I'm telling the truth.
I'm not lying.

Dad, I'm literally
failing out of school.

I'm not getting
the MAA scholarship.

Tommy Lee didn't go to college.

Education is overrated.
Go to the university of life!

Bam!

Gotta go, my cab's here.

Yeah, I'm late
for my sound check.

Where's it?

Leonard family meeting!

[blowing seashell]

Leonard family meeting!

Sam Leonard, here!

Jill Leonard!

Hank Leonard.

Sorry, son. My fans need me.

Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

Dad, come back. Dad, please.

Dad.

[alarm ringing]

[door opening]

[Violent Femmes singing
"Lies"]

* Lie lie lie lie lie
You lie lie lie lie lie *

* Tell me why tell me why
Why d'you have to lie *

* Should've realized that you
should've told the truth *

* Should've realized
you know what I'll do *

* You're in suspension *

* You're a liar *

* Now I wanna know
now now now I wanna know *

* Why you never look me
in the face *

* Broke a confidence
just to please your ego *

* Should've realized you know
what I know *

* You're in suspension *

Oh, my God. My nuts.

* I know where you go
everybody you know *

* I know everything
that you do or say *

* So when you tell lies
I'll always be in your way *

* I'm nobody's fool
and I know all *

I loved your paper, Samuel.
It read like a poem.

- Thank you, Mrs. Moran.
- It's not Mrs. Moran anymore.

Mr. Moran and I have separated.
And I need...a man.

* You're in suspension *

[bell dinging]

Oh, look, more children.

We'll just have
to finish this tonight.

What? We will?

I'm chaperoning the Homecoming
dance. Don't be late.

* You're a southern man
you're a northern soul *

* You're a west-ender
you got an eastern soul *

* But you're no one at all *

* You're a rich man
you're a poor man *

* You're this man
then you're that man *

* But you're no one at all *

* You're a liar
you're a winner *

* An expert and a beginner *

* But you're no one at all *

* When the wind blows
that's when you know *

* That your nose grows
and your face shows *

* That you're no one at all *

* You're a hard rock
with your own space *

* You're a disgrace
but you've got your grace *

* But you're no one at all *

[phone ringing]

BDI, where the only thing colder
than the ice cream

is my attitude. This is Annie.
How may I help ya?

Ooh, F.Y.I.,
I'm pregnant.

What?

[upbeat music]

- Don't you want a family?
- Yeah, yeah, someday, but..

It's not even possible, we never
actually got to..you know.

So, let's start right now, then.

So, you're not pregnant.

Oh, God, I hope
he has your eyes.

Why did you--

Come on!

Oh, my God, you're insane.
I gotta get out of here.

- Come on! Come on.
- Ah!

Haven't you always wanted to
do it in a public toilet?

[speaking Spanish]

And when were you gonna tell me
about all this, huh?

Mrs. Moran.

Hi.

No, wait. Mrs. Moran, wait.

Wait, wait.

Come on, it's time
for the big announcement.

And this year's Bridgeport
Homecoming king and queen are..

...Vicki Sanders
and Sam Leonard!

[band music]

* I don't remember
what day it was *

* I didn't notice
what time it was *

* All I know is that
I fell in love with you *

* And if all my dreams
come true *

* I'll be spending time
with you *

* Every day's a new day *

Just like to take this moment to
congratulate our newly crowned

Homecoming king and queen!

[applause and cheering]

And..

...to our king..

(male #6)
'Whoo! Yeah!'

...Samuel Leonard.

I would just like to say..

...that I am madly
in love with you.

Which is why it hurt so much
to find you trying to have sex

with Vicki Sanders
in the faculty restroom.

Mrs. Moran, think
about your career.

Oh, screw my career. What is
my life without you, Sam?

Probably pretty fine.

And to our, mmm..

...our..

...filthy skank queen,
Vicki Sanders.

I would just like to
say to you..

Ah!

You ball-breaking whore.

(Vicki)
'Ah!'

You sure there isn't something
you need to be telling me?

Actually, there is something..

...that I need to be
...telling you, Marcus.

(crowd screaming)
'Oh.'

'Oh.'

'Oh!'

Oh, no. Oh.

I'm sorry, Mr..
Pri-principal Hayes.

* Sloop John B *

* Sloop John B *

* Sloop John B *

Mrs. Moran.

* We come on the sloop John B *

* Grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau town
we did roam *

Mrs. Moran! Mrs. Moran!

* Drinking all night
got into a fight *

* Well I feel so broke up *

Oh!

Guys, Mrs. Moran.

Guys, please.
You don't understand.

- Take him to the parking lot.
- No, no, no, guys.

* The constable had to come
and take him away *

- Oh, please.
- What are you doing, Kyle?

Come on, man, this is crazy.
What are you doing?

What does it look like
I'm doing?

I'm gonna pull him
behind my truck!

Kyle, this is crazy!

We were just going
to rough him up a little.

I think you're taking these
threats a little too literal.

- I'd like to second that.
- Damn! I've flooded it again!

- 'Kyle, relax. Kyle.'
- No! Move!

(Kyle)
'Let's make you look
good tonight, chapstick!'

Oh, thank you, Lord.

Kyle.

You get to skip all the way
to the car battery on your nuts!

What? Kyle, please. Can we just
talk about this, buddy?

Kyle, you don't wanna do this.

You're doing this 'cause I lied
and said you wanted to do it.

- You're saying I'm your puppet?
- No, no, no, no.

Kyle, buddy, I'm just saying..
I'm just saying

you don't wanna do this.

Oh, yes, I do!

* This is the worst trip
I've ever been on *

Kyle, Kyle! Think
about your life.

You're gonna
wear out your battery.

Just go ahead and do it,
my life can't get any worse.

[police siren]

Everybody freeze!
You're all under arrest!

* Let me go home
I really wanna go home *

Or, maybe it can.

* I feeI so broke up
I wanna go home *

* I wanna go home
I wanna go home *

(male #7)
'Hey there, gangster.'

There goes my guidance
counselor of the year award.

Hey.

Listen, uh, I'm sorry about the
advice I gave you the other day.

Although, everything I said
is basically true.

Everyone does lie.

But that doesn't make it right.

And more importantly, I don't
think it's gonna make you happy.

In fact, I think honesty
and happiness go hand-in-hand.

Though try telling
my psycho ex-wife that.

Anyway..

...Principal Hayes has dropped
all the charges, and I've talked

him into giving you detention
for the rest of the year

instead of expelling you.

Th-thank you.

If only you could get me
out of all these lies.

I believe it was
Thomas Jefferson who said

"Honesty is the first chapter
in the book of wisdom."

- Okay. Wow.
- Thank you.

Did I say something useful?

- I'm leaving you.
- What?

Now-now I realize you're like
the most beautiful girl ever

and I'm, um, me.

But, uh, we have
nothing in common.

And I don't even
really like you.

That's fine. We'll just have
a sexual relationship, then.

No commitment,
no companionship

just wild uninhibited sex
whenever you wanna have it.

- People do that?
- I have no self-esteem, Sam.

Girls like me never do. I will
do whatever you want me to do.

No! No, no, no. Vicki. Okay?

We're done. I'm sorry.
This has gone way too far.

Uh, it's over. Goodbye.

All-star!

I gotta tell you, you have
turned my whole life around.

I haven't had a-I haven't had
a death threat in a week.

I gotta quit the team.

The truth is, I'm not good
at basketball. Uh, sorry.

I just wanted to come and say
I'm sorry about what happened.

Mrs. Moran, I bought your
husband here to make a point.

I am clearly not worth
leaving him for.

I mean, look at him.
He's a fireman, he saves lives.

And I'm not gay,
but look at that jaw line.

[sobbing]

I think, that you could avoid
making the biggest mistake

of your lives.

* Arise my friend
the struggles almost over *

* Can you let me in *

* Tonight it ends
tomorrow is never over*

* Let your song begin *

* Arise *

* Arise *

* Arise *

* Hey for this is your day *

* To shine *

* Arise *

[alarm ringing]

[orchestra music]

Oh, God, please.

* To bear the weight *

* And push into the sky *

* It's easier to lie *

* It's easier to lie *

* And honestly *

* To look you in the eye *

* It's easier to lie *

* It's easier to lie *

I thought about what you said,
and I don't accept the break up.

[speaking Spanish]

* It's easier to lie *

I can't go back to the way
things were. Listen, listen here

Leonard, I can't go back to way
things were. I can't take it.

So you have to keep playing.

If you don't, if you try
to quit, I will make sure

you don't graduate
from this God forsaken school.

* It's easier to lie *

* Easier to lie *

* To bear the weight *

* And push into the sky *

* It's easier to lie *

After chiropractic school, Sam
and I are gonna lease a condo.

Hey, fourth child, Juan Carlos,
professional skier.

Oh, my God, I hate my nose.

It's so gross, right here.
You see that?

It's disgusting,
do you see it?

[guitar music]

[music continues]

Hey...can I join you?

Why would you wanna do that?

Because I thought I wanted
to be over there, but..

...God, was I wrong.

I was way happier right here
with...you.

Well, you look like crap.

Yeah, I don't know if it's
because my life's a living hell

or the fact that my diet
is only Brussels sprouts.

Annie, do you think you could
give me one more chance?

What happens in a day or
a month or a year when you

decide you're sick of being
a loser again and you go

running back
to Vicki Homecoming.

Because I won't.
I-I wouldn't do that. I swear.

How am I supposed to know that
the biggest liar I have ever met

is actually telling the truth?

I'm sorry.

Annie.

Annie, please.

[glass shattering]

[cheering]

[applause and cheering]

Did I..

Wait, did I just,
did I just miss?

[The Mooney Suzuki singing
"Primitive Condition"]

* Hey make way
for the 21st century man *

* Mighty Titan put the fire
right into my hands yeah *

* Oh yeah
Oh yeah *

* Been in a
primitive condition *

* Am I a mammal or a man *

* Oh yeah
Oh yeah *

[whistle]

Did you see how hard
that guy flattened me?

I can't even feel my spine.

Dude, have you checked
the score lately?

It's 38 to 4. That means
we are down--

Oh, wait. Oh, oh, wait.
Don't tell me.

[spectators booing]

34 points.

Isn't math amazing?

[orchestra music]

I love you guys, too.

She hates me again.

[spectators booing]

[music continues]

Nice game, loser.

I didn't know you were
a basketball fan.

Well, I figured it wouldn't kill
me to try and have a little fun.

Of course, this could have been
a series of coincidences.

When your dad could have had
a midlife crisis

even those basketball plays
could have just been luck.

Even Vicki and Mrs. Moran could
have gone temporarily insane.

I mean, now that everything's
back to normal, there's no proof

that anything magical ever
happened, right?

Well, uh, there is one thing

that didn't go back to
the way it was before.

At least, I'm a loser
that drives a Porsche.

[The Beach Boys singing
"Sloop John B"]

* We come on the Sloop John B *

* My grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau town
we did roam *

* Drinking all night *

* Got into a fight *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I wanna go home *

* So hoist up the
John B's sail *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* Call for the captain ashore *

* Let me go home *

* Let me go home *

["I Did It To Myself"
by If All Else Fails]

[Truman Cage singing
"Nothing But Lies"]