Original subtitles

Welcome, my dear, to my humble abode.

Oh, my, we certainly don't have anything like this in the village, Your

Highness. Please, call me Vlad.

All my friends do.

Let me make you a drink.

Well, when you said you wanted to take me to your place, I certainly wasn't

expecting anything like this.

Yes, it does have its charms, as do you.

To Castle Dracula, and to all the charms within.

Why, thank you, Your Highness.

Uh -uh.

Um, I mean, Vlad, but I really must be going.

So soon?

But you've just arrived.

Now, are you sure that you want to leave?

No.

There's so much more I want to show you.

Yep, yep, yep.

Vlad!

Morticia!

Another one?

Really? But... I thought I told you to be more careful. The villagers already

give us the stink eye every time we show our faces.

Pretty soon they'll be grabbing their pitchforks... torches, and storming the

castle. And you know what that means.

I know.

But she came on to me at the end.

She was so lovely.

That blood rushing through her veins.

Do you know how much we pay for the synthetic blood in the kitchen?

I know.

I'm able to restrain myself. Why can't you?

I'm sorry, Tiff. I just don't have your willpower, I guess.

I told you.

Okay, okay.

You know what this means, don't you?

I know.

We have no other choice. We have got to go to our summer home.

In Beverly Hills.

Shane!

Sweetheart! Okay, great. I'll talk to you soon.

Sorry, I was just planning my schedule for the week. No problem.

I'm just already running so late. Remember, I've got to be in court all

today, and then I've got to prepare for the Caldwell deposition. Looks like it's

going to be another late night.

Okay. Oh, but I would like to do a late romantic dinner. Maybe I can get

reservations at Vincenzo's.

Bob, you know I have my fundraising group tomorrow morning. I can't be up

night. Right. Which charity was this?

The Society to Help the Itinerant Trans Man.

Your charity's named shit?

Gotta go.

Come in.

Bob, you got a second?

Stacy. Second's about all I've got. I've got to be in court in 20 minutes on the

Pulaski case.

Pulaski.

Is that the serial killer case?

No.

The armed robbery?

No. The hit -and -run driver?

Not quite.

Then what?

The jaywalker.

Seriously? Hey, he's entitled to a vigorous defense.

Bob, you're working way too hard.

Do you ever get any relaxation?

Well, yes.

You're so tense, too.

Maybe you're not getting...

The exact kind of relaxation I'm talking about.

I understand.

Bob,

I know you're having problems at home. I can see it in your face.

We're just both working so hard. We never have time for... Yes?

Well, you know.

I do.

Maybe I could lend a hand there, if you'd like.

What time are you seeing my wife tomorrow?

You are a member of her shit charity, aren't you?

I am.

And it's a good charity.

I meet her quite early, actually.

Well,

I can see you're busy.

Good luck in court today.

Thank you.

Who the hell is that?

Ugh. Now I remember why I hate this place.

Don't worry.

It'll be fine.

We've had to make do before.

You and those wandering fangs of yours.

Can I help it? If that synthetic blood of yours turns my stomach?

It'll be more than your stomach causing you problems if we don't keep a low

profile here and you know what that means.

I know.

Say it.

No biting.

Louder. No biting. I get it, okay? But not even a little nibble? Oh, that's

where it starts, doesn't it? A little nibble here, a little nibble there. Next

thing you know, we've got little village girls dropping dead left and right. And

Dracula's got more brides than he knows what to do with.

Come on, Tish. You know you're the only bride I care about.

I better be.

Now, how about we break in this new house of ours?

Okay, but no biting.

I promise.

Thank you.

Jane! What are you still doing up?

I thought you'd have gone to bed hours ago.

Sorry I'm late.

It's just a killer at work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Somebody new moved into that house across the street tonight.

Really?

I don't think anyone's lived there for years.

Not at least since we've been here.

I know, right?

And they didn't have any luggage.

Well, maybe they're just looking at the place, trying to decide if they want to

buy it.

In the middle of the night?

And the lights are on.

a burglar.

Did they have keys to the door?

I think so.

Jane, I don't think burglars go around making a habit out of opening doors and

turning on the lights so that the neighbors see.

Well, maybe they're being clever.

Don't be silly.

I'm sure it's the actual property owners, or maybe someone's died, and

the heirs.

I don't like it.

Isn't there something we can do about it?

Something I can do?

Like what?

Something legal?

Have they broken any laws?

Not that we know of.

Look, tomorrow when I'm at the office, I'll call down to the city records

and find out who the legal property owners are.

Really? Great.

Anything for you, dear.

I know we didn't have time for our romantic dinner, but maybe there's still

for... Softly late.

Oh, and I'm awfully busy at the office tomorrow. Maybe I won't have time to

City Records.

You know, it's not that late.

Really?

Perhaps I can fit you into my schedule.

Oh!

racing event next week. Oh, finally. Who'd you get?

The Winking Vaginas?

I think they're an indie rock band.

That's the best you could do?

Well, we had a lot of interest, but as soon as I emailed the flyer, everybody

bailed.

I think I might see the problem.

Hmm.

You know, I'm really glad I was able to get off work today. We lawyers work way

too hard.

Must be so hard with Bob gone all the time.

Not really.

Oh?

Yeah, it's actually better when he's not around.

Can you try and keep him at the office more often?

Oh, I'll do the best I can.

I need to tell you about something that happened last night.

Oh, no, not sure I want to hear this.

No.

Somebody moved into the house across the street.

Oh, really?

Hasn't that house been vacant for a while?

Yes. They moved in in the middle of the night, and they didn't have any luggage.

That's really weird.

Usually if you can afford a house in this price range, you show up with a

of moving trucks. And that's just for the dining room set.

Mm -hmm.

It's that house right there.

Hmm, that's weird.

It's not even a fancy car in the driveway.

Exactly.

You know what we need to do? What's that?

We need to go over there and introduce ourselves.

Hmm, well, it would be very neighborly.

And we can always use extra help with the charity.

Right?

Here goes

nothing.

think anyone's home.

They gotta be.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Nobody's here. Let's just go.

I'm not giving up this soon.

What are you doing?

Just taking a little look.

You can't do that. It's trespassing.

No, it's just like a neighborhood watch.

Well, I'm not having any part of this.

Fine. Suit yourself.

You're going to regret this.

Holy furnace.

Huh.

What's this?

These are the pretrial motions for the Pulaski case. The judge wants your

response first thing in the morning.

You're going to take me all night.

At least.

I better call Jane.

I'm going to miss dinner again.

Jane. I had a meeting with her this morning.

Oh, right. You did. How did that go?

It went well.

If you consider trespassing and possible breaking and entering going well.

What?

Yeah. She is completely obsessed with your new neighbors.

We went over there today when nobody was home, and she practically tried to jump

the fence to break into the place.

You're kidding.

No. So, what's going on with your neighbors anyway?

Nothing. I called City Records to check in on it.

The property is owned by some European family, their royalty or something. Here

it is.

Count Alucard.

Alucard? Yeah.

They live in Europe.

This is a second property.

So, they moved in at night because... Maybe they had jet lag.

She's making mountains out of molehills.

People can move in whenever they feel like it.

Bob, there is something seriously wrong with your wife.

I just don't understand it. She used to be completely normal.

Have you ever thought that maybe, maybe you deserve better?

No, I mean, not until now.

It's just so odd.

I could help, you know.

You could?

Absolutely.

Oh, great.

You go over those, give me a summary, and I'm going to go over these.

That's not what I'm talking about, Bob, and you know it.

I'm not sure we should be doing this. I am.

Now shut up and let's file some briefs.

Oh.

Jane, it's Bob.

Look, honey, I'm sorry, but it looks like it's going to be another all

Not tonight, Bob. I'm looking at the house across the street, and the lights

on. What a shock.

What I mean is, there's someone home. I want you to come with me and meet the

neighbors. This is Beverly Hills.

We could have weirdos living in our neighborhood.

What about the actor that lives down the street and jogs in the nude?

What's wrong with that?

Look, honey, I called about the house today.

They're a very old European family. They just have different ways.

Fine, Bob. I guess I'm just going to have to go over there myself.

Okay, but be polite. We don't know what their customs are.

You're letting me go over there by myself?

Jane, you're going to meet the neighbors. It's not like you're walking

wolf den.

I hope not.

I'll be home soon.

My name is Jane.

I'm your neighbor. I live right across the street. I just wanted to welcome you

to the neighborhood.

May I come in?

Oh.

Uh, of course.

I saw you moved in the other night, and I wanted to introduce myself and say,

hey!

Hey. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Morticia. People just call me Tish.

You know, it came as a real surprise to see you moving in in the middle of the

night. Oh, that was... Jet lag?

Right, jet lag. We're from Europe.

Yes, and I also noticed you didn't have any luggage.

We travel late.

Oh, well, I know how that is.

The last time Bob and I went to Bermuda, I swear I only brought seven bags and

we were there for a whole week.

I see.

And I actually stopped by this morning to introduce myself, but nobody was

Yes, we were out. And I noticed you didn't have a car in the driveway. You

have a car, right?

Well... Oh, hello.

I didn't realize we had company.

Jane, this is my husband, Dale Alucard.

This is Jane, the next -door neighbor.

So very nice to meet you, Jane.

Put the things away.

She was just telling us about the neighborhood. I mean, it's been

mean years, since we've been here.

Well, it's your typical Beverly Hills neighborhood. You have your rich, your

super rich, and your disgustingly rich.

The problem is, everybody wants you to know which one they are, but the quorum

forbids them from telling you which one they... Oh.

Is there a problem, my dear?

No.

No, no, no.

Whatsoever.

I hate to greet and run, but I best be leaving.

Oh?

My husband, he's going to wonder where I am. I mean, he knows exactly where I

am, but he's a big muscle -bound man, and he's going to come looking for me,

and his muscle -bound brother.

Do you think everyone in Beverly Hills is like that?

What'll it be, lady?

A shot of the strongest thing you have.

Actually, make that a double.

I haven't seen you in here before, have I?

No. I just can't go home, at least not until my husband gets back.

It's not safe.

Bad neighborhood.

Bad neighbors.

Oh.

I think they're vampires.

Vampires?

We need to talk.

I'm sorry?

About the vampire.

Vampire hunter?

That's right.

I followed them here all the way from Transylvania.

I got as far as Beverly Hills, but the trail ran cold.

I've been hitting the seedy night spots ever since.

Why?

Why they like to pick up their victims.

So what are they doing in my neighborhood?

I'm not sure.

But the man you know as Dale Alucard is, without doubt, Vlad Dracula.

Well, he doesn't look like a vampire. He's actually very handsome.

Vampires are seductive creatures who can alter your perception of their

appearance. In truth, they are foul creatures of the night.

So what are you waiting for? I gave you the address. Can't you go to their house

and put a stake through their heart or whatever it is you people do?

It's far too dangerous to enter their lair at night.

Lair? It's a two -story colonial with a sun deck and a pool.

I have to wait until sunrise. It's when they're at their most vulnerable.

What do I do until then?

Go home, lock your doors, and wait for me to contact you.

Honey? Are you okay?

That's a good question.

Have you been drinking?

Just a little bit.

It's not like you.

What's happened?

I went to meet the neighbors.

And?

They're vampires.

What? Yep.

Okay, and I'm sure they have pink elephants in the backyard, too.

Why don't you believe me?

Alexa believes me.

Who's Alexa?

The vampire hunter that I met at the bar.

Okay, it's been a long day at work, and tomorrow's not looking any better.

You do what you want.

What are you doing here? I told you to stay home. This is not safe.

Well, I feel much safer here with you than I do at home.

Besides, I needed to know the truth.

This is not wise.

You wouldn't even know about this place if it weren't for me.

All right, but don't leave my side for a moment. This could be very dangerous.

You got it.

Wouldn't they be in their coffin?

They can't be out in the daylight, right?

They're severely weakened by daylight, but it's not fatal to them.

As for their coffins, any box of dirt from their homeland would do.

These creatures are very resourceful.

What about upstairs?

No, they prefer to rest in cool places. Their resting place would definitely be

on the ground floor.

Perhaps there's a secret entrance.

A hidden panel somewhere.

I found another door.

I told you to stay by my side. Sorry.

Now stay here, and don't move a muscle until I tell you.

What the hell?

Justin K.

I told you to stay with me.

And those bats in those coffins, that was them, wasn't it?

I don't know. Those coffins were empty.

How is that possible?

It shouldn't be.

But those vampires are very clever. You can never underestimate them.

Well, maybe they're not really vampires.

They are, but if they're not in their coffins, then where are they?

I don't know.

But I sure feel a lot safer having you around.

I'd feel a lot safer if I knew where those two monsters were hiding.

What now?

I need some time to figure out another plan. It's too late to try again today.

Are you okay?

I think I hurt my arm running out of that room.

Here, sit down.

How does this feel?

Great. Is there no end to your talent?

Well, I do pride myself on my versatility.

You did say we have until morning, right?

Yes.

So, I guess we have time for this.

You would think after a thousand years they could make a coffin more

comfortable.

Vlad, look.

Someone's been in here.

Do you think it was the vampire hunter, Alexa?

Could be.

It's a good thing we set up these fake coffins.

And whose right idea was that?

It was yours.

Thank you very much.

Listen, Tish.

If she's made it this far, she's a serious threat.

Well, what should we do?

You stay here, guard the coffins. I'll go out and see if I can find her.

and eliminate this little problem permanently.

Wait a minute. That's all you're planning to do, right?

Find the vampire hunter?

What else?

I know you, Vlad. You'll be out there with all those civilians.

No stopping off for a little late -night snack.

Tish, I wouldn't dream of it.

Oy vey.

What'll it be? I have a Bloody Mary.

Good evening.

Would you be so kind as to allow me to buy you a drink?

Hmm.

So formal, yet so forward at the same time. Rare combination.

Sure.

I'll have a dirty martini.

Dirty martini for the lady, please.

My name is Dale.

Stacy.

So, Stacy, what brings you out this fine evening?

Well, I just finished a big case at work and decided to come celebrate.

All by yourself?

Surely a woman as beautiful as you must have someone special to spend their time

with. Well, it's complicated.

Yes, it usually is.

What should we toast to? To new friends and new blood.

Hmm.

Well, what about yourself? Are you celebrating anything special?

Not really.

Hmm. Well, just celebrating life then, huh?

No. Just getting to know your fair city of Beverly Hills.

Oh, you're from out of town?

Yeah. Very far.

Hmm. Well, will you be here for long?

No, I won't.

Let's use this time we have wisely.

Oh.

You're so... You're so charming, Dale.

Such a beautiful woman as yourself.

It's not hard.

There's a back room.

Let's go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Tish is going to kill me.

Oh.

Alexa?

Alexa? You're still going on about that vampire hunter? I thought when you

sobered up, you'd start making sense.

But, Bob, it's true. They are vampires.

Jane, listen to yourself.

You're saying that our neighbors are undead creatures of the night who turn

bats, sleep in coffins during the day, and suck on people's blood.

Exactly!

It's been a long day at work.

When you're ready to start making sense, well, maybe we can talk then.

But, Bob!

Good night.

happened to her.

Maybe they got her.

Why do I have a feeling I'm gonna regret this?

It's probably locked.

Just my luck.

Hello? Anyone here?

I've got to do this.

I have to know for sure.

Here goes nothing.

Can

I

help you?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

I just... I... Stay back!

That's a nice piece.

Is it sterling silver?

But... The cross... I...

You're lucky I find you

so very, very attractive.

Or else I'd simply kill you right now.

Do you understand me?

Yes.

Now, you're going to forget everything you saw here.

You're going to forget that we are vampires.

Do you understand me?

I forget.

Good now.

Jane, what are you doing here?

I don't know.

I don't remember.

You fool!

Why would you try to do this yourself?

Why indeed.

So you're the infamous vampire hunter.

And what a fine specimen you are.

You're quite stunning yourself, mistress.

Well, this does present quite a number of possibilities.

Now let's see what type of fun we can have.

Thank you.

Tish, what have you done?

I'm sorry, my darling. I just couldn't help myself.

And you think I'm the one with the problem?

Sorry.

Obviously, this place is just not safe enough anymore.

And you know what that means.

I know, I know. The apartment in Hoboken.

That's right.

You said the neighbors were vampires.

I don't remember.

Well, like I said, you were drinking pretty heavily.

I'm just glad it's all over now.

Mm -hmm. It's all such a blur.

I was so busy with my work.

But I've decided to take a break and spend more time with you.

Well, that's great, honey. And now that I'm wrapping up the Pulaski case, I'll

have that time to spend.

But do you think the shit charity will be able to live without you?

I think so. But without Stacy.

Any word from her?

None. She...

Didn't show up for work. She just disappeared.

Well, that's okay.

I always suspected that she had the hots for you anyway.

Me?

Don't be silly.

Sure.

Who could that be?

Are you expecting anyone?

No.

Stacy, what are you doing here?

Beverly Hills.

We can't have weirdos living in our neighborhood.

I think I might see the problem.

You would think after a thousand years they could make a coffin more

comfortable.

Villagers already give us the stink eye every time we show our faces.

Maybe they had jet lag.

Well, when you said you wanted to take me to your place, I certainly wasn't

expecting anything like this.

Vampires?