Original subtitles

Bernard, there's another solicitor's letter.

Put it with the others.

Maybe you should read it.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

What is this?!

Well,... the woman upstairs wants £170 a month ground rent.

She doesn't need any more money.

She has all the blue hair and toffee and pop socks a person could want.

There's nothing you can do.

Go and tell her... to stop.

Or we'll cut the brakes on her StairMaster.

Got no time. I'm setting up for the festival of travel writing.

What festival?

The one you said Manny could have.

I don't remember agreeing.

Remember that night last week you slept in a revolving door?

No.

Remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your pubic hair?

Not especially, no.

It was in-between those two.

I've had an idea for your event.

Great.

Get everyone to vote for what they think is the most stylish city in Europe.

Hm! (LAUGHS)

At the end of the week you could...

Huh, huh-huh.

What?

Oh, Europe!

You are funny, Fran.

I hardly think your jaunts to Europe count as travel.

Well, pardon me.

This isn't a festival for tourists.

We've got an explorer coming in. He's giving a talk.

The legendary, famously charming Jason Hamilton.

Let's have a look, then.

Every single blurb says he's charming.

"I'm swept away on a wave of charm."

"I was immolated in a firewall of charm and charisma."

"I almost exploded from the concentration of charm on the page."

I bet you I can open this anywhere

and I'll find this fop posing on a Jeep looking smug.

Ha ha ha!

Can I see?

Oh, God! Look at him!

That love-me smile. I know his sort. A full-time approval junkie.

He's brilliant! He's a giant in his field!

Manny, can I be the first to say eeeeeuuuuurrrrrr!

You gonna scratch his name on your pencil box?

Enough. Manny, run me through this again.

Right. Basically, there's leaseholders and freeholders.

There's two types of leaseholder - common-law leaseholder

and there's private leaseholders, which are...

Stop! Stop saying those words!

Give me that, I'm going upstairs.

I'll deal with this like I deal with everything here.

Everything!

Hanley. Hanley, come out, you bloodsucker. Hanley!

Miss Hanley is dead.

Huh?

She died in the night.

I don't care. I mean, how awful. So you are the new owner.

I'm a solicitor. Miss Hanley left this flat to Mr Benson. He's inside.

What did you want to query, Mr...?

Black. I'll talk with him.

I don't want legal fidgy-widgyness upsetting natural justice.

Benson! Benson! Benson!

Where is he? Benson!

Mr Benson is in the bread bin.

I said no legal fidgy-widgyness.

I want to see the owner, I want to see them now, I want...

(MEWS)

He sleeps there. What do you want to say to him?

I'm not paying this.

If you don't, you'll go to prison.

I'm not talking to you.

Fine.

If that's all you've got to say, I've got a meeting.

Who with? A canary in Canary Wharf? A fox with stocks?

You can't leave an animal here, he'll go insane.

It's Miss Hanley's will, it's law.

Yeah? Well, you don't intimidate me, Miss... er...

Purcell Harding Letouche MSc LLB... MA DPhil... MBE,

rowing blue, grade II listed.

Right. Er... Hair... loose, loose.

Free as the wind.

Ponytail, ponytail?

Frizzled.

Oh.

Expecting someone?

Might be.

It's that Jason thingy, isn't it?

He said he might drop round to see where he was doing his talk.

Let's have a sample, then.

Don't touch the display!

Manny, isn't it?

The shop that time forgot! I thought I'd been to all the uncharted areas of the globe!

This is great. It's got bags of character.

(SIMPERS)

Uh huh huh huh huh.

Hello, Jason. It's lovely to meet you.

I'm a great admirer of your work and your life and...

Hey, watch out! A crocodile!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Behind you, look!

It's not really, it's an inflatable one I put up there.

Just a little one.

(GIGGLES FRANTICALLY)

So! So, um, wh-wh-where are you going on your next adventure?

I thought maybe Borneo.

The real Borneo, not the jungle nonsense.

I want to see the ice caves under the jungle.

I tell you where you should go - Venezuela.

Dear old Venny. Been there?

Oh, yes. I have, actually.

I went kayaking in the swamps of the Baracas.

Hm. Weird. North or south?

North.

Very nice. The tourist swamps.

I went to the south. The south are the real swamps.

The northern ones are pretty swampy.

They're nothing.

So, Jason, this talk, erm...

How do you want to do it?

Hi. How's it going there?

It's too soon to tell if I like it.

Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.

I won't find out if I keep being interrupted, will I?

Someone like you would love Magumbe.

How can you know? I might hate it.

I don't think so. They all worship a goddess remarkably like you.

A sort of panther woman. Same pale skin, thick jet hair, slumberous eyes.

For a minute I thought I was right back at the temple.

(GIGGLES COYLY)

Bernard. Can you explain to Fran that I'm looking after Jason

and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.

Shh!

↑ MIAOW

Hear that? He's up there mewing in the nerve centre of his empire.

A rent hike here, a tax dodge there.

He sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh

and dives back to grooming his balls.

You can't hear that, surely?

I've heard enough. OK for you, flouncing about after Captain Pants.

You don't know what I go through with this cat. I hate him! I hate all cats!

Probably you're a dog person. Why don't we get a dog for the shop?

I hardly think so. The one we have doesn't do much for me.

We don't have a dog... Ooh! Ooh!

What's he like, then? This overgrown schoolboy?

Nobody's told him Britain doesn't own the world any more, obviously.

Don't talk about Jason in that way.

He's magnificent.

I see he got to you pretty quick.

Hey.

Jason!

Hi, Jase!

Just thought I'd pop into my favourite book emporium.

Dr Black, I presume?

You don't look like an explorer to me

You look like you've been exploring luxury hotels for quite some time.

What did you write about that? The Cote d'Azur, one man's struggle with 100% Egyptian cotton sheets.

Bernard, you got a fine shop here.

You're not afraid to say what you feel. I'd like to shake you by the hand.

Do sit down. There's my chair. Do you want to sit in that?

Thanks.

You didn't even make him any tea! Would you like some tea?

Wonderful. Thank you.

I was going to make tea!

So was I!

It'll be ready in a minute.

Nice cups!

Biscuits!

Nice biscuits.

My biscuit. Jason can have my biscuit.

Aha!

Ah!

Oho!

Aha! Oh!

The biscuit! Jason's special biscuit!

Right! You thing!

That's it! Say goodbye, Mr Benson,

you have just pulled the tinkly bell of death!

You had dust on your knees.

Thank you, Fran.

All set for the talk?

I am.

Everything all right?

Absolutely fine.

There is one little thing.

Yes?

Don't want to sound weird. It's a small thing.

You are standing rather close.

Oh!

Is this all right?

That's a bit... No, that's fine.

Excuse me. Are you Jason Hamilton?

Get away from him!

Can't you see he doesn't want people crowding him?

Just get out! You're barred!

So sorry, Jason.

Now, wanted to chat to you two.

I've got this trip to Borneo for the next book.

It's more rewarding if you have someone to journey with, a companion.

Now, Manny, I know you've travelled a lot.

Isn't Fran the perfect companion?

But-But-But...

Fran, I don't expect you to say yes or no straightaway.

Yes!

No! You don't want this - no offence, Fran - mopsy!

You need someone with a few miles under their belt.

You need a... a man - or a woman - but a man!

A seasoned traveller, a man who's got a penknife and emergency backup penknife.

Yeah. Maybe you underestimate your friend, Manny.

Now, Fran, would you say you had jungle experience,

bearing in mind it could be handy on this trip?

Does Corfu count?

You've been to Corfu?

Anything else?

I'm a trained field doctor.

And I can fix a Jeep in a hurricane. And I can speak 32 African languages

Excellent. Borneo is of course in Asia.

Yes. Yes. 32 Asian languages.

Splendid. That's settled, then. Manny, you're doing it again.

So, let me guess. Mice.

No. Wait. You've got cockroaches.

Yeah, we do, but don't touch them. It would upset the bat.

Listen.

I want you to deal with this... thing.

It's a really horrible thing, I can't even really describe it.

Essentially it's a cat.

Why not take him to the cattery?

No. Look - I want you... you know, to, er...

(WHISTLES)

I want you to take care of business with this cat, OK?

Can I make it any clearer than that?

You could, actually.

Well, OK. He dies tonight, how about that?

No. I could never harm a cat.

Come on, you're a pest guy, you kill things for a living.

Not animals. Only vermin.

I love animals. I'm trying to save money to go to vet school.

Yeah, but, you know, it's one cat.

It's nothing. Bada bing, bada wiaow!

You disgust me. An innocent little creature like that. Goodbye.

A grand.

A thousand pounds. In cash.

You'd be out of this stuff.

Tomorrow you'd be giving an aardvark a skin graft.

You wouldn't even like this cat.

Nobody does. He's a bully. He sprays everywhere.

He's up there now out of his mind on nip.

Nobody needs to know.

OK. Bring a bag and bleach

and three tins of Royal Miaow.

Fran.

Mm?

I'd like to have a word with you. As a friend, you understand.

I think Jason... might want you

as something more than just a travelling companion,

if you... follow me.

If you get my meaning.

If you... catch my drift.

We might have to, due to cramped conditions and surrounding dangers,

we'd have to... Oh, goodness!

Yes. Bunk up.

Together.

You know what that means?

I don't need to bring sleeping gear.

Too hot to hawk around two shag bags. Thanks.

Oh! You're just doing it for kicks!

It's my one chance to trek with my hero!

Oh, Manny.

It really does mean a lot to you, doesn't it?

It was the point of me being born.

I know.

But he picked me!

Another canape, Jason?

Thanks. Can we make a start?

Oh! Right! Yes.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

So.

OK. Um...

Welcome...

to Black Books.

And now, who do we have for you today?

Someone who is to travel and adventure...

but while he was waiting he got me!

Sorry, sorry. Got a mix-up there.

Wait, sorry.

Er... Yes, then it was going to be a joke and an anecdote.

And another joke. Quite a good one, actually, about rice.

OK. Right. So.

Without further ado, please welcome Jason...

APPLAUSE

..Hamilton.

Thank you. Thanks.

It's a pleasure to be in London.

I've just come back from an expedition to the Orinoco basin,

the only place you'll find the bearded howler monkey.

Or so I thought, until I came here, and met Manny.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

CRASHING

EERIE JUNGLE MUSIC

He's not here. I'm going home.

Wait, wait. Sit down.

He won't come. He knows. Cats have got a sixth sense.

Shut up! Here.

He's a cat.

He doesn't have anything.

This won't work. They'll find out.

Relax. Just pop him when he comes in. I'll take care of the body.

What are you gonna do with it?

Put a knife in his back and leave him slumped over the desk.

Watch the flap.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks. So, what about the next trip? I'll be going to -

Fran, if you please -

Borneo, one of the last great wildernesses on earth.

We'll be attempting to... Yeah?

Erm, yah, your books read like imperialistic tracts.

Do you really think you can anatomise a whole culture in a few pages?

What's your name?

Bridget.

Bridget, inevitably I write from a Western perspective.

That's enough questions for now.

Stick around and we'll talk it over after.

I'd love to! (GIGGLES)

(STILL GIGGLING)

For now, I'd like to show you all the effects of mud erosion

on a primitive office block. Fran?

It never goes away, the guilt.

Mice in wedding dresses appear in your dreams.

Whole families of roaches stand there in silent accusation.

Would you shut up? He'll hear us.

MIAOWING

CAT FLAP SQUEAKS

Now, come on.

I can't!

Come on! He wants you to shoot him!

What am I?

What have I become?

(SCREAMS)

CRASH

(TUTS)

Here, kitty. Kitty, kitty.

And this, this...

GUNSHOT, MIAOW

..is where

GUNSHOTS

Manny, can we do something about the noise?

I'll sort it out.

Leave it to me, Jason!

I'm dealing with it, Manny.

I'll do it, Jason! Oop!

Me first! Me first!

Bernard!

MIAOW

GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKS

Bernard, stop. Jason is annoyed.

Bugger Jason.

Actually, how is he?

Come downstairs and apologise. Right now!

OK!

He's not really, really mad at me, is he?

(SIGHS) Look what you've done! Didn't even get to find him a taxi.

Must have left a note for me. We're leaving tomorrow.

Nobody move.

Bernard. I think we should talk about this.

OK. Sure, we'll talk about it.

Good.

Right after I kill the cat!

CLICKS, GUNSHOT

So, you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet.

Yes.

And wantonly sprayed blood from your head all over the shop.

Before wasting time writhing around on an emergency operating table.

Sign here. No wages for seven years.

If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs -

in hell, being chased by giant mice.

I can't believe Jason went off with that harpy. Have you read this?

"Sorry, Fran, you didn't have enough experience."

"Never mind, I'm sure Bridget will turn out to be very handy indeed."

I can't believe we fell for him, Manny. Charm? Pfoof!

I saw through him straightaway. I played along to confuse him.

Enough! Tea! Who's making the tea?

Make it yourself.

Yeah. I won't do anything for anyone again.

I'm not thinking about Jason or what he's doing now.

I've spent my whole time not thinking about him since he left.

< Oh, I wish I could have a cup of tea.

Oh, for God's... Oh!

Make it yourself. Oh!

I'll get the tea!

No, I will. Right away, Jason...

(BOTH GIGGLE COYLY)

Intelfax Subtitles ALEXA DALBY