Original subtitles

Bernard, it's nearly on. Come on!

What's on?

It. Come on!

You're happy? You're happy now?

Here's your goddamn book store.

Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!

You got anything on armouries, weaponry, that kind of thing?

Military History is on your right.

I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare.

Infrared, fallout, kill zones.

If you need any help, fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling(!)

Bernard!

Agh!

£30.

Hey, that's expensive!

Will you shut up and pay the Scotchman?

Come, come... (GRUNTS)

What?!

Come on!

It's Grand National day. I've got us a runner each.

That's what you spend your pocket money on? Filthy gambling!

It's a Grand National. It's a moment when the whole nation comes together

Like the opening of a Richard Curtis movie, or the hunt for a serial killer.

I got us a runner each. You're Inner Space and I'm Herr Schmidt.

And they're off, look! Come on.

Over they go. Come on, boy... girl or whatever you are.

Oh, he fell!

What happens when they fall?

They give 'em some oats then shoot 'em in the head.

But yours is still in.

You put our money on this circus of death. You disgust me!

Come on! Come on, you... No, no. Come on... you!

TV: "8-1, it's the winner of the Martell Grand National."

Bernard, you came second but I put on an each-way bet. So that means you still win.

I win? How much? How much?

Let me see. Erm, 12-1 but it was each way so... (MUMBLES)

£1.50!

How do I collect it?

You have to take the slip back. I'll do it if you like.

All right.

Now listen.

Huh?

Don't...

lose...

this!

Now, all I need is some kind of system.

There's only one system.

Bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs,

lose, prison, death!

Don't get pious. You started me off.

That was just a flutter. This is Satan's bingo!

Well, I was born to win.

Oh, yeah? All right. Heads or tails?

Heads.

All right, I'll give you that one.

Here you go!

Tails?

Two kisses from Lady Luck.

Now she'll knee you in the rattlers!

Yeah, but sooner or later,... I'll run out of money.

< Fran, got a pound?

Can't waste money. Gotta get a new outfit for my job interview.

I am feeling confident. I am gonna get this job!

Dunno why you're going. You don't stand a chance.

You're unemployable. I'd like to help but I can't because you're so totally useless.

You could let me do a couple of days here. Then I can tell then I'm currently working.

We can work together. It'd be fun.

Read glossy magazines and speculate about famous people's sexuality.

This place is already riddled with life-sucking parasites.

Oh, Bernard, give me a job! Just till the interview.

No, Fran, he's changed. He's on the gee-gees now.

Bernard.

Bernard?

I bet you

20 quid, I'm so hopeless, I never get another job ever.

I'll give you a job. You start tomorrow. Ha ha ha!

Colleague.

Co-worker.

Right.

You, keep an eye on her. You, keep an eye on him. I've got a universe to master.

The boss is away. It gets better!

I've brought croissants!

Hooray!

What did you see on TV last night?

Didn't watch it. Don't watch much TV. What about you?

No. Wasn't much on.

TV COMMENTARY

"Please may I have a bet on Via Appia in the Lingfield race at 3.30 this afternoon?"

"Thank you. I will bet £10 that this horse wins."

"Here is my £10."

"Thank you. I hope it wins. Yours faithfully, Bernard Black."

(ALL LAUGH)

Now, this is the desk and this is the chair.

I know. Now, I thought -

Don't interrupt.

This is the till. This stays on the desk. The chair remains next to the desk.

Stop! This is a woman who ran her own business for years. Come on, there's work to do.

You're keen. I like that.

But wait.

This... is the book.

When we make a sale, it goes in the book.

The title goes here, the cost here and at the end of the day we add up.

Where's the running total?

What? You don't need it.

We'll keep a running total.

There's no column for it!

Yes, there is!

The book...! The book...!

Come on, come on!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bastard!

Bad day?

No, it's good. I've had it with this.

You haven't stuck anything on Au Naturel in the five o'clock?

No.

Shame. Can't lose.

Yeah, yeah(!)

Why can't...? What way can't it lose?

It loves the soft, the jockey hasn't eaten anything but minted peas for a month

and they're trying to put his house on the race.

Au Naturel in the five o'clock.

That's 100-1.

What? No! No. No.

Which horse, then?

French Pie.

You think it's the right decision because you gave me that look.

Wryly amused and disgusted and depressed.

There you go. French Pie.

TV: "It's Au Naturel! Au Naturel's the winner by six lengths."

"And it's over to Newbury now for the six o'clock."

You should've listened. Still, no big thing, eh?

She drew a line in the book!

He has no idea what a running total is!

Silence! Silence! Nobody can speak unless they're holding this pencil.

May I have the pencil, please? I wish to speak.

It came to my attention this morning, while reviewing my portfolio,

that I cannot afford two employees.

He should go.

That's not fair.

An interesting situation!

So you can have a week in which to sell as many books as possible.

Whoever sells the most keeps the one job I am offering.

That's me.

It's not fair...

And the most important point is, whenever you see me -

I can't stress this enough -

you give me,

immediately, all the money.

what money looks like.

She's messed up the whole system.

It's unfair!

You haven't laid down the rules.

I saw her first.

The bitch is mine.

Aaagh!

Hi. Can I help?

I'm just looking for a light holiday read.

Perhaps these may appeal.

Browse me.

Money now!

It's my interview tomorrow.

We must shut the shop. It's not fair if Manny can sell books when I'm out

Objection.

Upheld. Books must be sold, money made.

Ah! You're toast!

T-O-E-A-R-S-T

Toearst.

All yours.

What's the next race?

There's none. We're closing now.

I can't stop now. I'm winning.

We'll make our own race, you against Pat.

Three times round the car park. I'll put 60 quid on you. You look nippy.

We're closing.

It's always the same, isn't it?

Just when you break your streak...

D'you ever play poker?

Huh? No. No, I can never remember the rules.

Although... No. No, I can't.

Shame, there's a game on tomorrow morning.

Really? Where? Near? Far? Where?

Just round the corner.

You know Dante's Mini-Cabs?

Yeah.

It's big money. 9am. See you there.

Who knows how to play poker?

Me.

Good! You're gonna teach me. I've got 12 hours to learn.

Who's got a deck of cards?

I've got an old pack in my room.

You play, too. Who's doing nothing?

Great! You can fetch the cards.

And then...

I have spoken!

OK! The first thing about poker...

Before we start, we need whiskey, and background jazz.

You, Mr Guy. Whiskey, jazz.

Right. I've got a seven, a two, two queens and a nine.

Well, I've got an ace!

And?

And a king! And a two! And a seven!

And Mrs Bun, the baker's wife.

# COOL JAZZ

We'll say Mrs Bun is an ace for now.

Ha! I win!

No, I win. I've got three of a kind.

What's that?

A pair, two pair, three of a kind,

a run, a flush, full house, four of a kind, straight flush, royal flush.

How do you know?

Granddad. Then Granny taught me how to cheat before she got shot in Reno

Show me how to cheat. It's quicker.

It's not. You have to rig the deck.

You try.

Yeah, well...

That looked pretty easy, actually.

All that and... >

Bernard, in you come.

Everyone, this is Bernard.

Bernard, this is everyone.

This is Mickey "One Eye" Swain.

"Undertaker" Jones.

Lily "The Dazzler" Thompson.

Jimmy "The Illustrated Blind Solid Silver Bitch" Stakopopolips III.

Hi!

And this is Dave "Mouse Ears" Smith.

Dealer's choice. We'll play Lebanese southern cross.

40/80 the ante. Fives and twos are wilds.

No showboatin', coffee-housin', aunties' drawers.

Minimum three aces to start. Minimum bet, one ton. Let's play.

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Make sure I can see your cards, then I'll tell you when to bet.

Would you?

Thanks very much. Call again.

Ah. Did you win or lose?

It's hard to say.

All right. Have you got more money or less money?

That's complicated.

Have you got no money?

What is the problem?

No problem. If you want to put on a bet of £1, that's fine.

I'll be glad to accept that bet

as soon as you can find the other 93p.

Bernard. Next game, 3 o'clock today.

No. Forget it. I'm cleaned out.

That's no a big thing. Let's nip to my office, we'll have a diet yogurt and maybe I can help.

No, I couldn't do that, no.

The thing is, you need a bankroll.

I had some good cards. Just not in the right hand or the right order.

Your moves were amazin'. You kept losin' but kept goin'. That's what makes a gambler.

That crowd were scared.

They had a nickname for you as soon as you left. Usually it takes years

What, like Tex or Doc or...?

No. They call you "The Gold Mine".

Now, Bernard, I can help you, but I need some cover.

I don't have a car or anything.

Do you have any stock?

Or business concern?

I didn't know... A shop?

Would the shop do?

Well, seeing as it's you.

Sign there.

How much should I borrow? 1,000?

Or 10,000.

Or 10... 10,000.

Get out, we're closed.

Oh, it's you. Sorry.

Why aren't you selling any books?

My head'll explode if we do.

You know what Bernard's done?

He's played us off against each other to feed his filthy habit.

You're right.

How was the job interview?

Oh... Un-brilliant.

Staying awake till 8am, drinking whiskey and teaching poker was not strictly tactical.

I fell asleep in the lobby.

Well, at least you didn't punch anyone and puke up in your handbag.

Fold.

Mm.

OK. Er...

A thousand?

Call it.

I'll call your grand.

< I'll call.

(COUGHS)

So, what have you got, big boy?

These ones.

(SNORTS)

They won't beat a full house - aces and sevens.

Unlucky, Mouse.

You out, then?

No. Can you drop me another hundred?

Piss off, Bernard.

A hundred quid!

No!

You're out of the game now, Bernard.

You've got six hours to pay.

So, it's the ten grand, plus 100% interest, that's 20.

Or your shop, or your legs.

You know what'll happen? He'll come and say...

(IRISH ACCENT) Fran, Manny! Help me. Oi'm in trouble.

Fran, Manny! Help me.

You in some kind of trouble?

Yeah. I have to find 20 grand!

In the next six hours

or, er, get evicted from my shop

or my legs.

So don't... For now, we'll just think. We'll think and...

Happy now? We've found it again!

I don't like this book. I want a refund.

Go away, we're closed! Bugger off back to Australia!

What am I gonna do?

Manny, d'you still have those funny sunglasses from Whitstable?

In the bathroom. Are they funny?

I'm going to be made homeless and short, and you're chatting!

Relax!

Everything's gonna be fine.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Look, a real English bookie's. You happy now?

All day long in Madame Tussaud's, "I miss the action!" Yada yada.

What's this? This is no good! What is this with the tiny televisions?

Let's go someplace we can play cards

What you wanna play cards for? You lose!

Come on! I saw the Tower, I saw the goddamn Queen!

Hello. Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

If you're interested, there's a game on this afternoon.

Anything. Anything to make him shut up.

Could I sit in? I wanna make sure he doesn't lose too much.

100 grand here, 100 grand there. It adds up!

No problem.

OK, you can have this, on one condition.

You never gamble again.

OK. I won't! Give, give.

Ah, ah, ah.

You must swear from now on you will lead a wholesome life.

You will stick to a modest range of breakfast wines.

At table, you will use at least a knife and a fork,

and your hand will fondle not card, nor dice, nor the gelding.

OK! OK!

I swear. Now, come on. I've got about 20 minutes before I'm scratching my stumps in a cardboard box.

Can I just say, you were fantastic back there.

Really?

No, you were.

You were the star.

When I said, "What's that famous clock by the river?" and you said...

"Yeah, you know, Big Bill."

That was class!

And you, don't blow it. Just act casual.

They don't call me "The Gold Mine" for nothing.

19,980... 20,000. It's all there.

Where did you get it all from?

I broke my streak. I got lucky on a horse.

I'd better look out for it. What's it called?

Mm? Oh, what was it?

Big Bill.

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