Original subtitles

"Dear Bernard, Dear Manny. See? I told you I'd write.

Cornwall is... well, you've seen the pictures. It's like the pictures.

Except a lot more boring.

Everybody's at least 300 and they speak medieval English.

The most important word being (WEST COUNTRY) Errr.

Can't wait to see you.

Get a bottle open. Love Fran. Errr."

Bernard? Manny?

Hello?

< Oh, it's you.

< Go round the green bin bags.

< Then right till you get to the mouldy George Eliot.

< Then right.

< Forward. Go on. Forward.

And then it's left...

..at the dead badger.

Lovely to see you.

Mwah! Mwah!

Bernard, are you OK?

Never better. I've discovered television.

You don't look right. What's with the shop? And where's Manny?

Him? He left like I always knew he would.

That's what people do when you love them and nurture them.

You mean you sacked him.

There may have been an incident.

Possibly involving a kitchen item and a hand and...

maybe the hand was Manny's and the item was a sandwich toaster

and I introduced them to each other.

So, he's gone?

Oh no, he still sleeps here.

Burrowed in like the tick he is. But he leaves every day.

Every day is another betrayal.

Wha-wha-wha-what do you mean?

Come on.

There.

There he is, half Iago...

half Fu Manchu.

All bastard.

(Hello. How are you today? Hello.)

(Hello. How are you to...)

(Oh, hello, how are you?)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Are you today? Hello how? How...

..are you today? Hello.

I'm fine. Do you have...?

Welcome to Goliath Books.

I'm looking for...

I'll help you. How may I help you?

I want...

My name is Manny.

Never mind.

(Hello.)

I need a drink.

Manny, could you...? Oh.

Bernard, could you get me one?

Get it yourself. I'm missing my programme.

BLEEPS

Manny! There's no need to flinch. You're safe now.

You're a team member. What are you?

A team member.

And we're glad to have you. Muffins are for customers.

This is your duty-to-do card.

Duty-to-do?

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

This is the most advanced retail software. You'll need a password.

What about 'surf king'?

Hey!

Or... 'team member number eight'

From this you can control the whole shopping environment. Shutters.

There's the lights.

There's the revolving displays.

The cameras.

You can order the muffins.

It does the lot.

It's fantastic.

It also monitors toilet visits and scans your retinas every 80 seconds.

Why is that?

Just making sure you're still you.

Some people call that invasive

but we like to think it shows we care. See you later.

Oh, Fran, how was your trip?

Manny, come back to the shop.

Not going back. I like it here. I've got respect and responsibility.

I've got a duty-to-do.

I'm a team member. Bernard was very mean and he wouldn't say sorry.

You have to come back, Manny.

Bernard and I need you.

I'm staying here until you do.

Fran, somebody will be here very soon.

Hello. How may I help you?

She's a friend.

Hey, terrific! A friend of Manny's!

How may I help you?

I'm just browsing.

We have a comfortable area there specially for that.

I wanna browse here.

HISS

Oh-ooh. (WHISPERS) Sorry.

I'll just go home and unpack and not talk to anyone today, shall I?

COMPUTER KEYS TAP

So...

..a friend?

She used to come into the shop to see me and Bernard. It was great, we...

I see!

I took a risk when I employed you.

Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you.

I took a risk.

A lot of people would have said "Who is this rudderless hippie?"

"Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"

But I saw through that. But you have to work for me.

We're your friends now, Manny.

Yes, I know. Thank you, Evan.

OK.

One of our younger customers has blocked a toilet with Monster Munch.

I need that toilet back in play. As a team, how can we make that happen?

OK, we could, er, phone for a plu...

Go team!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna be late! I'm gonna lose team champion points.

Bernard, I've washed your sheets. Can you dry them?

Breakfast! Breakfast!

The beans are under the milk.

That's it! You're evicted.

What?

Up with this I will not put.

Pack and begone!

Bernard, no! Look at yourself. Who's gonna look after you?

You can't survive on the mushrooms in your hair.

I'm fine.

Go on! Get out.

Go to your fancy man. I don't need you any more.

Look, Bernard, it doesn't have to be like this.

If you'd just apologise.

What, you mean you'd come back and work in the shop?

Everything would be normal?

Yes.

You'd cook and clean and make profiteroles if I took you to the pictures at Christmas?

And all I have to do is say sorry?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I thought so. GET OUT!

Morning.

A-ha! He's bending down now.

Oh, look, he's getting up again. I knew he'd do that.

Is this really helping?

Now he's going up that little ladder. Up he goes with that wiggle of his.

The wiggle of Judas.

The Judas boogie.

Well, I think you're both being really selfish.

What about me? What am I supposed to do?

Think about me. I'm a girl and it's horrible in here.

(COUGHS)

Look at yourself. How can you live like this?

Don't move.

(WARILY) What?

Don't... move.

Oh, hello, I want somewhere in Bloomsbury overlooking Hyde Park

with a good view of the river and a spiral staircase.

My budget? £100 a week.

Manny!

Do you have a mo for a small chatette?

Fine-a-mundo.

Now, I've been thinking about clothes and what they say about us.

Here we get to wear our own clothes. I mean, we're not robots, are we?

No. (ROBOTIC) Hello, can I help you?

(ROBOTIC) Can I help you? Hello, can I help you?

Hello, can I help...

We love your style, OK?

The shirts, the sandals. Hee-hee. It's funky.

But imagine we're all on a football team,

and the guy on the wing is wearing a crazy shirt.

Nobody knows what team he's on. Can I pass to him? I don't know.

Damn it!

We've lost 5-0.

Oh.

Tomorrow, plain pastels, please. And a pair of shoes.

But we're not playing football...

Great.

I mean, it's a floor...

Good. So long as we're happy.

It's not like we have oranges at half-time...

Great!

Hmmm. >

(AS BERNARD AND MANNY) Cheers! Cheers!

(AS BERNARD) Manny, would you hurry up with the wine. >

Yes, Manny, come on. (AS MANNY) Sorry, Bernard, sorry.

Shall we go to the pub or just stay in?

Fran?

I have to have somewhere to go, Manny.

Bernard wants to talk to you. (AS BERNARD) Yes I do!

And if you won't go...

..I'm gonna have to live here.

Now, we are going to sort this out, OK?

Bernard, I think you have something you want to say to Manny.

Manny, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I ever let you in here...

to rob me of my best years,

before leaving me a burnt-out husk!

Well, that gives us somewhere to work from.

Don't you think? Manny, I think you would like to tell Bernard

just how much you'd like to come back, and make it all nice again.

No. Wait a minute, this is all about you, Fran.

You're being totally selfish.

Just let us have our vicious, soul-destroying break-up in peace.

He's right. We are in pieces,

and you don't care about anything but having somewhere to hang around.

Thanks.

Not at all. It's never going to be like it was, Fran.

Never. I agree.

We agree -

we're opposed on every point.

Well put.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Persecute them.

Yeah, yeah, society lay-dee!

How come you went to Cornwall on your own?

Yeah, how come? Hmm?

I've...

got friends.

Oh? Well, go to them.

I will.

Don't let us stop ya.

I won't!

Go on, then!

Ha!

Ha. Ha.

(LAUGHS CONTEMPTUOUSLY)

(MIMICS FRAN)

(MIMICS FRAN) >

Oh, er, listen, don't forget to dry your sheets.

Well, I'll be off, then, since it's all over between us. I'll write.

I won't read it.

Well, I'll call.

I'll hang up.

Well, I'll come and see you.

I'll be dead by then.

It doesn't have to be like this.

If you would just say those two words.

Get out!

CHATTERING

OK, huddle time, gather round, guys.

Great day today, team.

ALL: Yess!

OK, that was a silver star day, OK?

Tomorrow, I want gold.

Selling books is a game, it has rules.

You need to learn those rules and get serious, cos it's not a game.

OK, home time, off you go.

You coming, Manny?

No, I thought I'd, er, put in an extra hour,

really get to grips with the duty-to-do.

Above and beyond the call of duty. One Team Champion point to you.

Ye... Yes!

Manny, your hair...

Does it ever get in the way at all?

Not... really.

Mmm.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

Good morning, Manny.

Morning, Evan.

Er, just popped in to do my yoga.

I do it every morning, in my yoga bag.

Just running through a few positions. This is the worm....

Er, worm saluting the sun...

Um, anaconda!

Manny, I'm a reasonable guy.

I like to be straight with people.

If you tell me the truth, I won't get mad.

So tell me - did you sleep here last night?

Yes, I did.

(LAUGHS)

I'm really angry now!!

(COUGHS AND WHEEZES) I'm not so good! Not feeling so good!

Coffee and something... the medicine.

Can't have slugs.

Kerpow oven cleaner. If you can clean an oven, you can clean me.

Coffee.

When you look at me, Manny, what do you see?

Well, er...

I'll tell you.

You see me and say "Hey, there's Evan! He's a young guy,

he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter.

How far can I push him? But you've let me down, Manny.

Please give me one more chance.

I need a sign that you can change. I need you to do something for me.

(GROWLS) I think you know

(GASPS)

The hair, Manny!

It's a wall between you and the customers, between you and me, between you and the future.

We need you to look like this.

Not the hair. Please not the hair!

I've had it since I was nine!

It's time.

< WHIRRING

(EXHALES)

(WHIMPERS)

How you doing in there, Manny?

We're all rooting for you out here.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

WHIRRING

MANNNNNNYYYYYYY!

Bernard! I'm sorry. It was my fault you toasted my hand.

Will you take me back? Please?

Bernard? Where are you?

Bernard!

Manny! >

Manny, I don't feel that well.

It's... like I'm being... beaten up underwater.

I can feel bits of my brain falling away like a wet cake.

Could you help me?

I will, Bernard, I will.

Bernard, Manny, I've come to tell you I'm moving to Cornwall to start a new life.

Yeah. Just give us a hand, will you?

OK, OK.

I was gonna go, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Hang in there, Bernard.

Fran, get some hot towels and some fluffy water.

MANNY!

(DEEP GROWLY) Come here.

Bernard. He wants my hair!

How dare you?

Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head.

Have you no respect?

He's mine.

Get your own human plaything.

You quartz-brained little cream puff.

OK. Well, I tried! There's no point outreaching to people like you.

In two years you could have been vice-deputy sub-assistant. But you're not!

You're here shuffling around on the floor like the worm you are!

Aaagh!

Manny, I'm... so sorry...

you had to go through that abuse.

I'm a bit hungry now so fetch up some wine, would you?

Oh, yes, Manny, get something nice. We're really famished.

OK. What sort of thing would you like?

Don't ask questions, just do it!

And clean this place up! It's a disgrace!

And boil my eye-bath and polish the stair rods! >

De-louse the duvet and tumble dry our doilies. >

And hoover the roof! And whistle down the chimneys! >

Intelfax Subtitles