Original subtitles

ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRS

What are they building? The noise!

They'll finish soon and we'll have a quiet Sunday.

PNEUMATIC DRILL ROARS

Jesus!

We'll have to blank it out.

Hi! I was wondering if you could do a book search for me.

I'm looking for a biography of Schubert,

so if you could just er... hunt it up for me I'll wait here.

What kind of coffee do you do?

This is a bookshop. We don't do coffee.

The other bookshops do coffee.

Listen, you...

BUILDER'S MACHINERY ROARS

This Schubert, this book search. How does it work?

Well, you know.

You just... and it pops up.

We've a different sort of ahh...

..here.

Get on your knees!

Put your hands on the floor.

From where you are to that far corner is our music section.

It's mixed up with Aviation, Botany and Pregnancy - but you never know.

SEARCH!

DRILL ROARS

That is the kinda thing that's gonna put customers off!

DRILL

GO AND SEE WHEN THE NOISE WILL STOP!

DRILL STOPS

Well?

What?

Just wait!

DRILL STOPS, HAMMER CONTINUES

So what did he say?

He's breaking for lunch, then he's back. It'll get worse tomorrow.

They wake you?

Seven o'clock. Halfway through my t'ai chi.

Thing is, it's not actually illegal to kill a builder.

Hey! Hey! Hey! It's Sunday, right?

Yes.

We wanna get away from the house.

Why not go to the park?

You think that suggestion deserved the preface "Hey! Hey! Hey!"?

What about the cinema?

Let's see.

OK, how about this?

"Bouffant. Sandra Bullock as a woman who sets up a hairdresser's

in the trenches of WWI."

No!

What else?

Here. "Regression. Richard Gere kills himself to go back to the past

to rescue himself as a child, to grow up to kill himself to go back to the past to rescue himself..."

There must be something else.

What's this? Blue Tunes. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver.

Oh, I hate her.

"Leonard Blue runs second-hand record shop with half-wit assistant Danny."

Huh!

"This zany pair team up with bitchy neurotic Pam. Sure to be a riot!"

Where do they get this crap? A child could...

They must think we're idiots.

Look at them. Wankers.

They think they're great.

We have to do something.

The usual, please.

What is your usual?

I dunno. Haven't decided yet.

I like the idea of going in somewhere and asking for the usual.

Let's go. He must be gone to lunch.

Usual!

Hey, have the usual, please. The usual.

Ah, usual, please.

The usual? Usual, please.

DRILLING, HAMMERING

We have to do something!

Why don't we go somewhere for Sunday lunch?

All right.

Where? Where?

There's this new place, very in. The Mortuary.

No vegetables, everything's dead animals served on little headstones.

Why does it have to be fancy?!

I just want sausage, mash, and cake,

not twigs fried in honey or a donkey in a coffin.

Let's go to that place that does chicken and things.

OK. Oh, what should we wear?

Excuse me?!

What sort of place is it?

It's a restaurant.

Do we dress up or down?

Dress upside down and inside out but you still eat spaghetti like a pig!

Can we just go to lunch, please?!

I have to get my contact lenses from the flat.

BANGING AND HAMMERING >

THUNDER RUMBLES OVERHEAD

(STAMMERS) B-B-B-B-B-B-B...

Fix her, will you?

B-B-Bernard, they're building for two weeks, the sign says. We can't stay here.

Relax. I'll sort them out later.

What will you do?

What can you do?

I'll write to the council.

What will you say?

I'll say "Dear Council,

please don't build beside us for the next two weeks."

What if that doesn't work?

Yeah, what will you do?

You wanna know what I'll do?

Yeah.

I will...

drink heavily and SHOUT AT YOU!

I won't hear you cos of the drill.

I'LL WRITE YOU A LETTER, AS WELL!

We'll have to go away.

It's perfect, a good excuse for a holiday. We need a nice change.

WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

THIS PLACE'LL BE HELL!

I am not going on holiday.

Wait!

Look!

What's this?

Photos of my trip.

Ooh, it's lovely. Is it Bali?

Mauritius. Well?

What? They're like any holiday photographs.

A bunch of people, stood around squinting, who didn't realise they were that fat!

That's us outside a restaurant. And that's us outside a hotel.

Ooh, what a transformation!

Oh, and that's Eddie. He was our map reader.

He's a gallery owner. But he lives in Kent.

This is the only one of the whole group.

One of the few times in my life I've been happy.

Why are you showing me these? I don't know these people.

The only possible use this photograph would be to me

would be if I was a hit man

asked to take out Eddie the gallery owner from Trent.

Kent.

I don't care! I'm not going.

Fine. We'll go. You stay and get your head drilled.

We are going to sunbathe, read and have silly drinks on a beach.

Beach?! No! I want the unknown.

Mystery! Strange places! Snakes! Jungle!

Manny, I am not going to spend my holiday in a snake pit.

Shut up! Where's this sign?

Outside.

There must be somewhere with jungle and beach!

What do you do in there, anyway? In a jungle.

See how many miles you can walk in a day.

Yeah, but the heat. You must get so dehydrated.

Yeah, well, in a tight spot you can always drink your own urine.

Yeah, but what about the insects? And how do you wash?

That's not such a big priority

when you're quaffing pints of your own wizz.

Excuse me. Sorry. Could I just...?

Thank you.

Perfect.

That's it! I'll sort it.

Don't get ripped off. Book it straight after lunch.

Forget lunch.

And I'm not going to Thailand.

You said you weren't going anywhere.

Do-dah neglected to tell me they're building round the clock.

So forget beaches and jungles.

We're going somewhere I can read, sit and have a quiet drink.

So your ideal holiday would be here!

Correct. So find somewhere exactly like this!

With a jungle.

And beach?! We won't find anything!

Here. "The sunlit island of Saint Honore, a tiny tropical jungle engirdled with golden sands,

boasting the hemisphere's only English language bookshop and bar."

I suppose that'll have to do.

It's got its own website.

Fine. Manny, you do the flight. I'll get the essentials.

Where are you going?

To pack. Back in two minutes.

Right. Better get cracking. Suitcase.

Right. What do we need?

What do we need?

Sun cream, first-aid kit, sunglasses, cologne and... yep!

Get... rid... of the rubbish.

Good, you're putting stuff in. Thanks. Phrase books,

traveller's cheques, insect stuff,

er... music!

Music? Good point.

CD player, CDs.

And... clothes.

Crap,... crap,... crap,... crap, crap!

Right. Very important. Malaria pills.

Right.

Good thinking. Oh, would you get the corkscrew?

There we go.

Now, that's what I call teamwork.

< CRASH

You done?

You've been ages. What's in the bag?

Oh, nothing. Just, you know, women's bits.

Walk away from the bag.

Manny!

No! Don't open it! It's private!

It's girls' things! NO!

Just as I thought. Put her in the chair.

No! No!

NO! NO!

We're here to help you.

You don't understand.

We understand that you're ill.

When you've learned to be sensible you can have this.

You don't really need these.

Of course I do. They're my slow-dancing mules.

What about these? You don't need these.

I do. Suppose we're invited to a yacht party by drug dealers?

Two pairs. More than you need.

One-more-one-more-one-more! Take something else out.

Contact lenses and emergency money. Don't need it. Throw it away.

Erm... show me those.

Those. And those. Those.

You can take one pair.

Oh, I... I can't decide.

You can't make me choose.

What's it to be? One pair. Come on!

Well, yes, those ones are comfortable.

Right!

No! Wait! Wait! Show me those ones.

These are weird!

They are beautiful.

They make strong men cry in train stations. Put them in, put them in.

Well, that's your lot!

Now, Bernard, have you got your passport?

For God's sake, of course I do.

Actually, I don't. Go and get it.

Where is it?

Where does anybody keep their passport?

It's in the...

building.

Bernard, get it. We all have to work together.

All right, all right.

We have everything?

Yep. Let's check the list, to be double-super-safety sure.

OK. I'll stop you if we've missed something out.

Right, OK. 1950-style wind breaker with two-tone lining and self-stripe cuffs.

Sta-Prest peach slacks.

Manny. Just say clothes.

Yeah, all right. Done.

So you've done the traveller's cheques, insurance,

Yep. Yep.

Bernard's getting his passport.

Sun screen, insect repellant, phrase books?

Jawohl!

Booked the taxi?

Done and dusted.

Oh, Saint Honore, here we come!

What time is the flight?

The... hmm?

You didn't book the flights?

I'm so sorry. I got distracted, by the... and erm...

My pants aren't that easy to fold.

Not a problem. It's on the Net, you said?

Yeah. Easy. Easy.

DIALS

MODEM CONNECT TONE

OK. What's the name of the site?

Er... yeah, I know it. Erm, Holiday thing dot thing.

Er, no, erm...

Holiday...

at... dot...

..holiday. Quick, quick!

I wanted it to be safe.

Ah!

No, that's not it. This button doesn't work.

You are pressing my hand.

Manny, you must remember the name of the site.

A-ha! Naughty little passport.

Hiding in the crisps again.

Manny, Manny, we have been doing this now for five hours.

Where did you see the name of the site?

In the papers.

Which bit?

The erm... travel section.

Which is open just there on the top.

Yep!

Could you read the ad from the paper to me, please?

"Fly Saint Honore dot com."

I had it in my hand.

I went over here.

Where can it be?

Right. Got it.

Oh, Fran, you're a genius.

We can't go. I've no passport.

Have you checked your desk?

What? No. Oh, yes. There it is.

Right. Sorted.

It's a bargain. Better go to bed now - early flight. Saves us money.

Right. I'll get us up.

No, you can't be trusted. I'll stay awake.

I'd better kip here so we'll be together. Can I have your bed?

Got any bin liners?

In the kitchen.

And er... Dettol?

Under the sink.

Ajax?

Yeah. There.

Thanks.

Are you... actually... gonna get in the bed?

Right. Erm... better take these.

No, I'm not hungry.

Not for you. Chuck 'em under the bed.

Wha...?

What's under the bed?

Dunno.

We just call it The Thing.

(MOANS IN SLEEP)

TAXI HORN >

BOTH: Come on, come on, come on!

Wake up! Get up!

Cab's outside, come on.

Come on!

Final check. Final... Good.

Good. Come on!

Listen, there's a slight catch.

These flights are very cheap.

Four quid each. Quite reasonable.

So er... that means we have to make a couple of changeovers.

How does that work? >

Well, to get to the Canaries we have to change... ahem,...

in New Zealand.

What? That's practically in France!

I know.

Let's stay. Have saki at the rodeo, go home on a sled with a camel.

We're just refuelling. And then we change again. At... ahem, Stansted.

I've always wanted to go there.

Nice, is it?

They've got these little trains that have no driver.

Oh! Lovely.

We'll just be there a little while.

Few days. In and around the airport. In, mostly.

That's where the trains are.

Then it's straight on to sunny Saint Honore.

"Would passengers Black, Bianco and Katzenjammer go to Gate 4?"

That's us.

Wait. Let's see if they do it again.

"Passengers Black, Bianco and Katzenjammer, please go to Gate 4."

ALL: Hooray!

This has to be the last connection.

Is this Prague?

I don't care where it is. I'm not getting on another plane.

I think this is Miami.

Fine. I'm gonna live here and sell guns to children.

You liked Saint Honore.

I did. I thoroughly enjoyed the four hours we spent there.

You can't say the flights weren't cheap.

And you can't say we didn't spend 13 days on a plane.

574.

574 what?

I kept them all. 574...

of these little towel things.

Let's get a drink.

This might be Nairobi.

Nope. It's definitely Minsk.

You're both wrong. It's obvious. He has all the trademark piercings.

Hakkim yoba! Habah. Hakyak!

Olodyvishinov nynzbar?

Anv eel kaddygem g'diem lefkess?

Where... are... we?

'Eathrow, luv!

Oh, we're home.

Three glasses of Merlot, please.

< Don't look at me like that.

It wasn't all bad. How many people can say they've been on a hospital river boat?

And they didn't get to perform surgery on themselves.

Just as well they thought Manny was a god.

Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey!

We said we wouldn't talk about Canada!

Let's go home.

Got your keys?

No. I left them in the bag, which you unburdened yourself by losing.

What do you mean, "Ah"?

It's just that... I think...

my keys were in there as well.

Were they? Funny, isn't it? It's just one thing after another.

You're fired.

Now, look,...

And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again.

Do you want to jump or come down gradually? I opted for gradual.

Get away from me!

It was a thrill to recreate with you but now our association ends.

You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days.

I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence.

Here's your redundancy package. I'm sorry it's in Phenobian wooden dollars but that's your fault.

Good luck and goodbye.

You can't run the place on your own.

I'll struggle on somehow.

I don't accept your apology. Give it 30 years and take this with you.

Bernard.

Do you want to come outside?

I'm cold. I have chilblains,

tinnitus and thrush. If you want to fight, come inside!

< (GIBBERS)

(CACKLES LIKE A MONKEY)

(STAMMERS) The noise, the noise!

B-b-b-b-b-but I found it.

I found it! I found it!

Manny, could you look after the shop by yourself for a while?

Sure.

What are you going to do?

I am going on holiday.

Intelfax Subtitles COLLEEN SAUNDERS