Original subtitles

'Black Books contains strong language.'

MOBILE RINGS

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming, all right?!

Pain in the arse!

Where you off to?

I'm going to yoga.

Oh, that's nice.

What?!

Don't start.

Eva says I'm stressed.

What does Eva know about stress?

She's got three kids.

We've all got three kids!

At least she's doing something different.

Oi, Thor, get on with it.

I'm doing it once to shut her up. She's busting my bra.

I'm late. I'm always late! Fags!

Why have you moved everything on my desk? Where's my lighter?

Bills. Lots of bills.

Our solicitor sent her solicitor a letter and he is billing us.

Are you making coffee?

We have to get decent stock!

Mother of God, go get your hair done!

The boiler sounds like it's giving birth, you haven't taken your encyclopaedias out of the bath.

I want a herb garden.

Stop nagging. Where's my lighter?

Fran is coming to dinner,

I have to cook, clean, run the shop, do the dusting...

'Scuse me.

Tell me where it is.

Excuse me.

Do you have any Adam Phillips?

How would I know? Go to a proper book shop.

I didn't come here to be insulted.

I didn't ask for the job of insulting you.

Look, in another life, we could have been brothers, running a small taverna in Sicily.

We would have married the local twins instead of wasting our time in this dump.

But it was not to be. So...

..hop it.

I'm being calm. I am asking you for the last time, where is...

Who does the shopping? Me. Who cooks? Me. Who gets the stock? Me.

Who went without so you can have a hot breakfast? Me.

There is your lighter. On your desk, which I tidied.

Enjoy your bacon roll.

Why do you always have to make the bacon so curly?

That's it! I quit.

You quit every day. I'm going out for some peace.

When you reapply for the job in half an hour, do the interview yourself.

Wear your pinstripe suit, the one that gives you a big arse.

You'll like yourself in that.

Every bloody day. Don't know why I bother.

You interested in these?

Freud? Is it a complete set?

Yeah. Load of rubbish.

Don't try and push me.

Condition OK, a bit scuffed. 20 quid.

That's fine.

All right, 25, that's absolutely it.

Great, they're all yours.

30. 35.

All right, 40's my final offer.

50 quid, that's all they're worth!

All right. 60, yeah?

Great!

There's the money and there's a tenner for the taxi.

That looks good.

Hey!

What?

Brown sauce?

Told you so.

It's amazing. If I was any more relaxed, you could just...

..pour me into a bowl.

(SIGHS)

Look at you, smiling away. See? You don't need horrible cigarettes

and gallons of booze, just to feel normal.

Is this normal?

Yes! That's what I'm telling you.

You change when you drink, you're so loud.

A fag in your mouth, cackling like something out of a brothel.

God, I don't! How horrible!

And when you're drunk, the way you eat and swear,

suddenly crying and then singing and kissing terrible men.

I know, I'm awful.

You'll end up with a head of gold teeth, roaring and snorting over a vegetable stall.

I'm not that...

I'll show you the next set of exercises. We'll have carrot juice.

Carrot juice!

What? I'd love to. Definitely. Great.

See you then.

I've never told you this but all those fags and booze make you reek.

Do I?

Stinky poos. No more smoking and drinking with those layabouts.

No, I won't.

'Scuse me, can I get...

Where have you been? Manny is driving me nuts. He never stops nagging.

He's got pressure on his meridian lines.

'Scuse me, could I... could...

Do I smell or what?

Yes because you're full of things that are bad for you.

What? He's making me miserable.

You are miserable because you're always guzzling or gulping or puffing

What's wrong with you? I'm talking about Manny, the fruit storm I live with? I want a drink.

In Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do?

They give something away.

Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power. Excuse me -

You should stop drinking. I haven't had anything in the past two hours.

Why not?

Yoga.

You shouldn't mess around with that stuff.

It's like having sunshine in your veins.

Here we go, Mary Poppins.

It is a shame the way people pollute themselves.

Look around, what do you see?

Attractive people who smoke and drink and never get sick or die

or bore the bollocks off their friends.

Excuse...

This is pointless. I'll see you at dinner, which he is making a big deal of.

The only thing that'll bring you inner peace...

Stop talking goo.

that will bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.

(HUMS)

Are you trying to kill me? You left a box of books on the stairs.

Sorry I bought something that will sell.

What is it?

Freud. Complete works.

Drivel. A waste of money.

What kind of filth is spewing out of your hatch tonight?

Chicken with summer berries.

You know I hate student food.

To start. Then it's daube of Argentinian lamb

with julienne of red roots, celeriac mash and salsa verde.

I bet you forgot to buy the plonk.

A Tavel, followed by a choice of Primitiva or Navarra.

Well, I want a drink now!

There's two litres of your Spanish antifreeze.

Let me know when you want your food chewed.

I'll wait till you put your teeth in, dear.

Don't start...

Oh, isn't this nice!

(COUGHS) What were those funny coloured things?

Vegetables.

You know I'm allergic to vegetables. You are trying to kill me.

What's wrong with him?

Can't you see his energy centre's misaligned?

Oh, Christ!

You're feeling like this because...

He never thinks about anybody but himself.

Fran, I made a something for you.

Oh, Manny.

It's your favourite, rum and chocolate.

Oh, yes. Kissy, kissy.

I can't have any. I've got to avoid stimulants.

You're becoming one of them!

You're going over to the land of sandals, spoon benders and yogurt-fanciers.

Where they fart because they don't know how to laugh.

Everyone should meditate.

Oh, let's. Then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins who live in the fridge.

Fran is improving her life. You could support her.

It's shite.

Like the Freud. How did you price that rubbish?

I didn't. I was cooking!

Very convenient for you to leave all the back-breaking labour to me.

Yoga... Freud... (SNORTS)

He treats me like a child. I can't cope with him.

He eats the sweets, he says they make my hair fall out. I found a baby monitor under my bed.

We'll sort it out right now.

What are we going to do?

Close your eyes.

God, Fran.

Keep them closed. Take a deep breath.

Stick out your tongue and roll your head. (MOANS)

(MOANS)

The psychopathology of the inverted sociopath.

This is all about him.

Mania!

And relax. Now fold your arms and sway them gently.

That's it.

Mother complex.

He's got the lot!

Raise your head and open your eyes.

Now, doesn't that feel better?

Yes. But he's becoming impossible. Look, he hasn't left anything for us.

(BURPS)

(WHISTLES)

Breakfast!

What? Ow!

< (GROANS)

What's happened?

Argh!

Hang on.

(SCREAMS)

Vitamin C... nasal spray... fungicide!

There you are.

What's this?

Why did you do that?

So you could use the towel.

(WEEPS) You're insane!

Jam.

Freud says it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you.

We'll have to replace our cutlery with plastic. Then I want to get you electronically tagged.

Pass the butter, please.

This?

No, that.

What did you say?

I said "No, that."

You said "No, Dad."

There you go, projecting!

I wish I'd never bought those books. I'm not projecting.

I've never seen such projecting. It's in Cinemascope with Dolby surround.

You're deranged. You need help.

I'm normal.

What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg

and then divides them into rank?

It's a bit of fun.

So, you won't mind if I eat this?

Don't touch the colonel!

It'll upset the rest of the men.

Call a shrink. You're nuts! And so is your whole platoon.

# SOOTHING MUSIC

Breathe in.

(RASPY BREATH)

And breathe out.

(SNORTS)

And come down.

And then raise your hands up and say hello! to the sun.

Hello, sun.

You don't actually say it.

It's not even sunny.

Hey, do you fancy some toast?

Wheat is poison.

I can't believe you had chocolate. You didn't have meat, did you?

No! No, no, no, no.

Well, just a little bit of chicken. And a few specks of... lamb.

Fran, we're going to have to fix you! Your chakras will be clogged.

(INHALES AND EXHALES)

Eva, do you, erm, do you ever get a bit bored...

erm, feeling this good all the time?

I'm going to ignore that. That's the toxins in you talking.

Come on, I'll centre your yang.

How about a special treat?

Is it that carrot thing again?

I'm not a total killjoy, you know.

Sit tight and I'll rustle us up some naughty rice cakes.

Here we are. Yummy!

# HUMS STRIPTEASE MUSIC

What are you doing?

Stripping the chicken.

What for?

I can make soup, sandwiches...

You can make a chicken cravat but it's hassle.

There's loads of things I can do with this.

It's a chicken!

Chicken is finite. Move on. How will you cope when somebody dies?

I'll use the legs, it's thrifty.

It's disgusting! It's how Jeffrey Dahmer and that lot get started.

Old boxes of fried chicken lying around.

Then a friend says "I have to leave town" and (BUZZES) out with the Black and Decker!

Bits of them lying around like nibbles. Go see a shrink.

Have a wing, it's crunchy.

Can't you see you're not right?

(DEEP SNUFFLING)

I made him an appointment. Can you imagine what the analyst finds in that horrible head of his?

(SNUFFLES)

If you did something relaxing together, you wouldn't be tense.

What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you?

What's it like, then? You know, the fags and booze?

To be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes think...

Yeah.

..between that first cigarette with coffee

to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3am,

you sometimes look at yourself and think...

..this is fantastic.

I'm in heaven.

Obviously, I'm very grateful for the job

and I don't think he's fundamentally a bad person.

I suppose he might be.

It's not a bad life, after all. There's the cooking, the cleaning,

doing the accounts, making the cheese, scraping the beds

but I'm happy, really.

Yes, you're right. I'm being exploited.

It's about self-respect, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Exactly! I must stand my ground.

Brilliant. Thank you so much for your help. Cheque all right?

The service in this place...

Excuse me. Sorry, excuse me!

Is there something wrong with me?

Hmph. Service!

Yes, sir?

Two cappuccinos, chocolate cake.

Straight away, sir.

Wow!

I think this therapy might have helped.

You are the king!

There's a touch of the king in me, there's no denying.

On the house, sir. Sorry for the delay.

King of kings! When other kings don't know what to do, they call on you!

The royal line does ring from time to time.

Won't he be surprised.

Who?

Bernard.

Ah, yes. Him.

Are you talking to me?

You're different. Did they put you on steroids?

What are you talking about, you silly little man?

Now, look here!

Shouldn't you be serving a customer?

And isn't it time you had a really good scrub?

It's not my fault, you haven't washed my things.

Ah! We can't blame others for our appearance, can we?

No, but...

Wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes.

I'm going for a nap. I don't want to be disturbed.

How dare you speak to me like that?!

My own son!

Nothing, nothing.

It's as Freud says, the unconscious thing.

Superego... something, something. That's exactly what he's like.

It's not as if he's not rewarded. Maybe not in any material way.

Or any other way. But still.

I may have been a little hard on him.

But he leaves boxes in the hall! I nearly tripped and...

Yes, I'm a monster. It's not his fault. I'm a terrible bastard.

Right. Thanks for your help. Bye!

One complete set of Freud, £200, thank you.

Manny? Your wages, sorry they're late.

Oh, thanks. I was just going to get us some lunch.

No, no. I've done that.

This is awfully kind of you.

Manny! It's nothing.

You're welcome.

Hooray! Go on!

Give him a kiss, go on.

You're pissed.

I know.

(CHUCKLES) Come on, open the bottle.

What are you looking at? Oh...

I cracked, didn't I? Eva was going on

about how I had to give up milk and peas and God knows what.

What's wrong with fucking peas?!

I told her she could stuff it up her chakras.

And it worked, now she's not talking to me.

Come on, open the wine!

Go on, Manny, get a move on.

Please.

It wouldn't kill you to say please.

I'm having you spayed.

(LAUGHS) Go on, Manny, resign again.

I am. I resign.

I've had enough, I'm going out.

Go on, I'll mind the shop for you. I can be both of you -

(MANNY VOICE) Bernard, it's not fair!

Here's your tea. Can I have my pocket money?

(BERNARD VOICE) Manny, for the last time, shut up,

Mother of God, I tink I'm going to kill ya! (CACKLES)

Now that is mad.

(BELCHES / CRACKS UP)

Intelfax Subtitles SARAH HOSKIN