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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,720
'Black Books
contains strong language.'
2
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,480
MOBILE RINGS
3
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,280
Bugger, bugger, bugger!
4
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,920
Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.
5
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,080
I'm coming, all right?!
6
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,840
Pain in the arse!
7
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,520
Where you off to?
8
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,520
I'm going to yoga.
9
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,080
Oh, that's nice.
10
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,080
What?!
11
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,080
Don't start.
12
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,080
Eva says I'm stressed.
13
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:59,040
What does Eva know about stress?
14
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,040
She's got three kids.
15
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,040
We've all got three kids!
16
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:02,320
At least
she's doing something different.
17
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,320
Oi, Thor, get on with it.
18
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,440
I'm doing it once to shut her up.
She's busting my bra.
19
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,000
I'm late. I'm always late! Fags!
20
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,880
Why have you moved everything
on my desk? Where's my lighter?
21
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,960
Bills. Lots of bills.
22
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:26,840
Our solicitor sent her solicitor
a letter and he is billing us.
23
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,640
Are you making coffee?
24
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,640
We have to get decent stock!
25
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,680
Mother of God,
go get your hair done!
26
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:40,360
The boiler sounds like it's
giving birth, you haven't taken your
encyclopaedias out of the bath.
27
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,360
I want a herb garden.
28
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,080
Stop nagging. Where's my lighter?
29
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,360
Fran is coming to dinner,
30
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,360
I have to cook, clean, run the shop,
do the dusting...
31
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,160
'Scuse me.
32
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,160
Tell me where it is.
33
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,160
Excuse me.
34
00:01:55,360 --> 00:02:00,720
Do you have any Adam Phillips?
35
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,720
How would I know?
Go to a proper book shop.
36
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,360
I didn't come here to be insulted.
37
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,960
I didn't ask
for the job of insulting you.
38
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:13,520
Look, in another life,
we could have been brothers,
running a small taverna in Sicily.
39
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:19,520
We would have
married the local twins instead of
wasting our time in this dump.
40
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,800
But it was not to be. So...
41
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,920
..hop it.
42
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,600
I'm being calm. I am asking you
for the last time, where is...
43
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:35,000
Who does the shopping? Me. Who
cooks? Me. Who gets the stock? Me.
44
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Who went without so you can have
a hot breakfast? Me.
45
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,880
There is your lighter.
On your desk, which I tidied.
46
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,080
Enjoy your bacon roll.
47
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,960
Why do you always have to
make the bacon so curly?
48
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,960
That's it! I quit.
49
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:58,240
You quit every day.
I'm going out for some peace.
50
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:03,880
When you reapply for the job in half
an hour, do the interview yourself.
51
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,920
Wear your pinstripe suit,
the one that gives you a big arse.
52
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,400
You'll like yourself in that.
53
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,240
Every bloody day.
Don't know why I bother.
54
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,920
You interested in these?
55
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,080
Freud? Is it a complete set?
56
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,920
Yeah. Load of rubbish.
57
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,120
Don't try and push me.
58
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:37,000
Condition OK, a bit scuffed.
20 quid.
59
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:41,040
That's fine.
60
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,040
All right, 25, that's absolutely it.
61
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,880
Great, they're all yours.
62
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,880
30. 35.
63
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,760
All right, 40's my final offer.
64
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,760
50 quid, that's all they're worth!
65
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,800
All right. 60, yeah?
66
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,120
Great!
67
00:03:55,480 --> 00:04:00,040
There's the money
and there's a tenner for the taxi.
68
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,240
That looks good.
69
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,480
Hey!
70
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,480
What?
71
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,480
Brown sauce?
72
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,800
Told you so.
73
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,920
It's amazing. If I was
any more relaxed, you could just...
74
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,240
..pour me into a bowl.
75
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,240
(SIGHS)
76
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:41,880
Look at you, smiling away. See?
You don't need horrible cigarettes
77
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,360
and gallons of booze,
just to feel normal.
78
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,960
Is this normal?
79
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,960
Yes! That's what I'm telling you.
80
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,680
You change when you drink,
you're so loud.
81
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:58,560
A fag in your mouth, cackling
like something out of a brothel.
82
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,560
God, I don't! How horrible!
83
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,840
And when you're drunk,
the way you eat and swear,
84
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:07,080
suddenly crying and then singing
and kissing terrible men.
85
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,160
I know, I'm awful.
86
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:15,320
You'll end up with
a head of gold teeth, roaring and
snorting over a vegetable stall.
87
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:21,800
I'm not that...
88
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,800
I'll show you the next set of
exercises. We'll have carrot juice.
89
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,800
Carrot juice!
90
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,800
What? I'd love to. Definitely. Great.
91
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,040
See you then.
92
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:36,920
I've never told you this but all
those fags and booze make you reek.
93
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,920
Do I?
94
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:43,400
Stinky poos. No more smoking
and drinking with those layabouts.
95
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,560
No, I won't.
96
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,240
'Scuse me, can I get...
97
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:09,080
Where have you been?
Manny is driving me nuts.
He never stops nagging.
98
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,320
He's got pressure
on his meridian lines.
99
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,880
'Scuse me, could I... could...
100
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,640
Do I smell or what?
101
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,520
Yes because you're full of things
that are bad for you.
102
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,200
What? He's making me miserable.
103
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:29,040
You are miserable because you're
always guzzling or gulping or puffing
104
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:36,560
What's wrong with you? I'm talking
about Manny, the fruit storm
I live with? I want a drink.
105
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:40,960
In Tibet, if they want something,
do you know what they do?
106
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,360
They give something away.
107
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:49,320
Do they?
That must be why they're such
a dominant global power. Excuse me -
108
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:54,360
You should stop drinking. I haven't
had anything in the past two hours.
109
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,800
Why not?
110
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,800
Yoga.
111
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:03,600
You shouldn't
mess around with that stuff.
112
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,600
It's like having sunshine
in your veins.
113
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,840
Here we go, Mary Poppins.
114
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,840
It is a shame
the way people pollute themselves.
115
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,680
Look around, what do you see?
116
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:17,560
Attractive people who smoke
and drink and never get sick or die
117
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,720
or bore the bollocks
off their friends.
118
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,720
Excuse...
119
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:28,280
This is pointless.
I'll see you at dinner,
which he is making a big deal of.
120
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,000
The only thing
that'll bring you inner peace...
121
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,160
Stop talking goo.
122
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:40,480
that will bring me inner peace
is a beard-seeking missile.
123
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,680
(HUMS)
124
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:56,240
Are you trying to kill me? You left
a box of books on the stairs.
125
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,520
Sorry I bought something
that will sell.
126
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,520
What is it?
127
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:03,400
Freud. Complete works.
128
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,400
Drivel. A waste of money.
129
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:11,440
What kind of filth is
spewing out of your hatch tonight?
130
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,440
Chicken with summer berries.
131
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,440
You know I hate student food.
132
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,920
To start.
Then it's daube of Argentinian lamb
133
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:24,520
with julienne of red roots,
celeriac mash and salsa verde.
134
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:30,640
I bet you forgot to buy the plonk.
135
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,640
A Tavel, followed by a choice
of Primitiva or Navarra.
136
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,360
Well, I want a drink now!
137
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,560
There's two litres
of your Spanish antifreeze.
138
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,200
Let me know
when you want your food chewed.
139
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,440
I'll wait
till you put your teeth in, dear.
140
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,440
Don't start...
141
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,920
Oh, isn't this nice!
142
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:58,120
(COUGHS) What were
those funny coloured things?
143
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,360
Vegetables.
144
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:05,560
You know I'm allergic to vegetables.
You are trying to kill me.
145
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:15,200
What's wrong with him?
146
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,200
Can't you see
his energy centre's misaligned?
147
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,200
Oh, Christ!
148
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,880
You're feeling like this because...
149
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,080
He never thinks about
anybody but himself.
150
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,680
Fran, I made a something for you.
151
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,680
Oh, Manny.
152
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,400
It's your favourite,
rum and chocolate.
153
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,680
Oh, yes. Kissy, kissy.
154
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:38,600
I can't have any.
I've got to avoid stimulants.
155
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,600
You're becoming one of them!
156
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:44,720
You're going over
to the land of sandals,
spoon benders and yogurt-fanciers.
157
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:50,520
Where they fart because
they don't know how to laugh.
158
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,520
Everyone should meditate.
159
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:56,720
Oh, let's. Then we can all make
some tofu for the dolphins
who live in the fridge.
160
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:01,520
Fran is improving her life.
You could support her.
161
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,520
It's shite.
162
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:06,720
Like the Freud.
How did you price that rubbish?
163
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,720
I didn't. I was cooking!
164
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:12,560
Very convenient for you to leave
all the back-breaking labour to me.
165
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,800
Yoga... Freud... (SNORTS)
166
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:21,400
He treats me like a child.
I can't cope with him.
167
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:28,000
He eats the sweets, he says
they make my hair fall out. I found
a baby monitor under my bed.
168
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:32,160
We'll sort it out right now.
169
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,160
What are we going to do?
170
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,160
Close your eyes.
171
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,760
God, Fran.
172
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,760
Keep them closed. Take a deep breath.
173
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:40,480
Stick out your tongue
and roll your head. (MOANS)
174
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,720
(MOANS)
175
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:53,680
The psychopathology
of the inverted sociopath.
176
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,480
This is all about him.
177
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,200
Mania!
178
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:09,400
And relax. Now fold your arms
and sway them gently.
179
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,400
That's it.
180
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,160
Mother complex.
181
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,800
He's got the lot!
182
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:23,640
Raise your head and open your eyes.
183
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,880
Now, doesn't that feel better?
184
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:37,720
Yes. But he's becoming impossible.
Look, he hasn't left anything
for us.
185
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,920
(BURPS)
186
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,520
(WHISTLES)
187
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,800
Breakfast!
188
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,800
What? Ow!
189
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,600
< (GROANS)
190
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,800
What's happened?
191
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,280
Argh!
192
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,280
Hang on.
193
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,280
(SCREAMS)
194
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,800
Vitamin C... nasal spray...
fungicide!
195
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,480
There you are.
196
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,480
What's this?
197
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,400
Why did you do that?
198
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,520
So you could use the towel.
199
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,520
(WEEPS) You're insane!
200
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,040
Jam.
201
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:51,480
Freud says it's dangerous even to be
in the same room as you.
202
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:58,200
We'll have to replace our cutlery
with plastic. Then I want to get you
electronically tagged.
203
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,360
Pass the butter, please.
204
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:05,600
This?
205
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:05,600
No, that.
206
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:05,600
What did you say?
207
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,600
I said "No, that."
208
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,440
You said "No, Dad."
209
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:14,520
There you go, projecting!
210
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,520
I wish I'd never bought
those books. I'm not projecting.
211
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:20,000
I've never seen such projecting.
It's in Cinemascope
with Dolby surround.
212
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,640
You're deranged. You need help.
213
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:28,000
I'm normal.
214
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:28,000
What other grown man
makes soldiers for his runny egg
215
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,600
and then divides them into rank?
216
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:36,120
It's a bit of fun.
217
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:36,120
So, you won't mind if I eat this?
218
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,120
Don't touch the colonel!
219
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,480
It'll upset the rest of the men.
220
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:43,200
Call a shrink. You're nuts!
And so is your whole platoon.
221
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,600
# SOOTHING MUSIC
222
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,640
Breathe in.
223
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,640
(RASPY BREATH)
224
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,040
And breathe out.
225
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,040
(SNORTS)
226
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,040
And come down.
227
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:04,200
And then raise your hands up
and say hello! to the sun.
228
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:09,040
Hello, sun.
229
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,040
You don't actually say it.
230
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,040
It's not even sunny.
231
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,040
Hey, do you fancy some toast?
232
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,800
Wheat is poison.
233
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:22,120
I can't believe you had chocolate.
You didn't have meat, did you?
234
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,120
No! No, no, no, no.
235
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,280
Well, just a little bit of chicken.
And a few specks of... lamb.
236
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:34,560
Fran, we're going to have to fix
you! Your chakras will be clogged.
237
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,880
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
238
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,760
Eva, do you, erm,
do you ever get a bit bored...
239
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,120
erm, feeling this good all the time?
240
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,200
I'm going to ignore that.
That's the toxins in you talking.
241
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,760
Come on, I'll centre your yang.
242
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,480
How about a special treat?
243
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,120
Is it that carrot thing again?
244
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,840
I'm not a total killjoy, you know.
245
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:10,480
Sit tight and I'll rustle us up
some naughty rice cakes.
246
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,560
Here we are. Yummy!
247
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,960
# HUMS STRIPTEASE MUSIC
248
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,600
What are you doing?
249
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,600
Stripping the chicken.
250
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,320
What for?
251
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,320
I can make soup, sandwiches...
252
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:30,400
You can make a chicken cravat
but it's hassle.
253
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,440
There's loads of things
I can do with this.
254
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,440
It's a chicken!
255
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,960
Chicken is finite. Move on. How
will you cope when somebody dies?
256
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:45,000
I'll use the legs, it's thrifty.
257
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:45,000
It's disgusting! It's how Jeffrey
Dahmer and that lot get started.
258
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,160
Old boxes of fried chicken
lying around.
259
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:54,160
Then a friend says "I have to leave
town" and (BUZZES)
out with the Black and Decker!
260
00:16:54,160 --> 00:17:00,120
Bits of them lying around like
nibbles. Go see a shrink.
261
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,120
Have a wing, it's crunchy.
262
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,400
Can't you see you're not right?
263
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,760
(DEEP SNUFFLING)
264
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:18,040
I made him an appointment. Can you
imagine what the analyst finds
in that horrible head of his?
265
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,240
(SNUFFLES)
266
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,920
If you did something relaxing
together, you wouldn't be tense.
267
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:34,800
What? Every time we bicker we should
have sex? Just have a drink
and be yourself again, will you?
268
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,920
What's it like, then?
You know, the fags and booze?
269
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:45,000
To be honest,
after years of smoking and drinking,
you do sometimes think...
270
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:49,480
Yeah.
271
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,480
..between that first cigarette
with coffee
272
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:53,360
to that 400th glass
of corner shop piss at 3am,
273
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,880
you sometimes look at yourself
and think...
274
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,120
..this is fantastic.
275
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,040
I'm in heaven.
276
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,120
Obviously, I'm very grateful
for the job
277
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,640
and I don't think he's
fundamentally a bad person.
278
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,640
I suppose he might be.
279
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:26,640
It's not a bad life, after all.
There's the cooking, the cleaning,
280
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,040
doing the accounts,
making the cheese, scraping the beds
281
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,040
but I'm happy, really.
282
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,400
Yes, you're right.
I'm being exploited.
283
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,280
It's about self-respect, isn't it?
284
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,680
Isn't it?
285
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,520
Exactly! I must stand my ground.
286
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:56,480
Brilliant. Thank you so much
for your help. Cheque all right?
287
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,000
The service in this place...
288
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,320
Excuse me. Sorry, excuse me!
289
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:16,000
Is there something wrong with me?
290
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,000
Hmph. Service!
291
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,320
Yes, sir?
292
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,320
Two cappuccinos, chocolate cake.
293
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,320
Straight away, sir.
294
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,040
Wow!
295
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,040
I think this therapy
might have helped.
296
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,040
You are the king!
297
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,560
There's a touch of the king in me,
there's no denying.
298
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,600
On the house, sir.
Sorry for the delay.
299
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:50,040
King of kings! When other kings
don't know what to do,
they call on you!
300
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,760
The royal line
does ring from time to time.
301
00:19:53,760 --> 00:20:00,080
Won't he be surprised.
302
00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,080
Who?
303
00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,080
Bernard.
304
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,080
Ah, yes. Him.
305
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,200
Are you talking to me?
306
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:26,160
You're different.
Did they put you on steroids?
307
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:26,160
What are you talking about,
you silly little man?
308
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,920
Now, look here!
309
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,920
Shouldn't you be serving a customer?
310
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:34,640
And isn't it time
you had a really good scrub?
311
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,600
It's not my fault,
you haven't washed my things.
312
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,800
Ah! We can't blame others
for our appearance, can we?
313
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,720
No, but...
314
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,040
Wash your own socks, if you can
chisel them out of your shoes.
315
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,120
I'm going for a nap.
I don't want to be disturbed.
316
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,520
How dare you speak to me like that?!
317
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,520
My own son!
318
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,360
Nothing, nothing.
319
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,960
It's as Freud says,
the unconscious thing.
320
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:18,520
Superego... something, something.
That's exactly what he's like.
321
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:24,760
It's not as if he's not rewarded.
Maybe not in any material way.
322
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,080
Or any other way. But still.
323
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,160
I may have been
a little hard on him.
324
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:39,320
But he leaves boxes in the hall!
I nearly tripped and...
325
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:45,520
Yes, I'm a monster. It's not
his fault. I'm a terrible bastard.
326
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,320
Right. Thanks for your help. Bye!
327
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,880
One complete set of Freud, £200,
thank you.
328
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,400
Manny? Your wages,
sorry they're late.
329
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,400
Oh, thanks. I was just going to
get us some lunch.
330
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,600
No, no. I've done that.
331
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:12,920
This is awfully kind of you.
332
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,920
Manny! It's nothing.
333
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,800
You're welcome.
334
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,960
Hooray! Go on!
335
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,840
Give him a kiss, go on.
336
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,800
You're pissed.
337
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,800
I know.
338
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:37,040
(CHUCKLES) Come on, open the bottle.
339
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,360
What are you looking at? Oh...
340
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,080
I cracked, didn't I? Eva was going on
341
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,440
about how I had to give up milk
and peas and God knows what.
342
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,120
What's wrong with fucking peas?!
343
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:55,280
I told her
she could stuff it up her chakras.
344
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,400
And it worked,
now she's not talking to me.
345
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:00,240
Come on, open the wine!
346
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:06,880
Go on, Manny, get a move on.
347
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,880
Please.
348
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,880
It wouldn't kill you to say please.
349
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,880
I'm having you spayed.
350
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,960
(LAUGHS) Go on, Manny, resign again.
351
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:16,160
I am. I resign.
352
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,160
I've had enough, I'm going out.
353
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:20,200
Go on, I'll mind the shop for you.
I can be both of you -
354
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,080
(MANNY VOICE) Bernard, it's not fair!
355
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,200
Here's your tea.
Can I have my pocket money?
356
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,160
(BERNARD VOICE)
Manny, for the last time, shut up,
357
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:34,400
Mother of God, I tink
I'm going to kill ya! (CACKLES)
358
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,120
Now that is mad.
359
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,320
(BELCHES / CRACKS UP)
360
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,560
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SARAH HOSKIN
26759
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