Original subtitles

Oh, Jesus!

Yes, you've been caught! What time do you call this?

What do you mean? It's only midnight

Where were you? Quickly, no lies.

Out with some friends.

Friends? Out? With? Some?!

Let me smell your breath. I thought so, chips! Where are my chips?!

Your clothes are rumpled, what have you been doing? Is that lipstick on your beard?

I'm worrying myself into a stick in the dark and you're scoffing chips from some tart's lap!

Where's my tart?! I want chips and tart! Get up them stairs!

Look, you don't own me, I can go out with friends if I want.

Other boys who work in bookshops may do what they want,

but you work under my roof, you abide by my rules. This isn't Waterstone's.

I wish I'd never been born!

STOMPING UPSTAIRS

MANNY.

# (SINGS TUNE)

MANNY, STOP SINGING IN THE BATH.

I'm not, I'm on the toilet.

Who sings on the toilet? STOP SINGING ON THE TOILET, THEN!

I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you.

Don't worry about it, get me a drink sometime.

ARE THERE ANY CUSTOMERS IN?

No.

Ooh. Hmm. # Shake it to the left

PHONE

Hello. What?

# Da, dee, dee, dee

Hang on. Friend of yours, some woman.

Oh, right. Hello?

Oh, hiya.

No?! He didn't? He didn't!

(LAUGHS) No? Well, he was definitely looking at you! He was!

Oh, yes. No. Ha, ha, ha! Hoo!

Who is this?!

"(MUFFLED VOICE)"

What age are you?!

30?! What's wrong with you? Can't talk now, he has chores to do!

I can't believe you did that, you're so rude!

Oh, hi. What's the...

Don't need you, need Manny. Manny, look. Look, look.

Yeah?

Yeah.

"Penelope Liamoff-Tonk at home in her graceful mansion..."

Hey, why can't we talk about something we're all interested in?

Hey, you know what, last week, remember when I thought I had piles?

It wasn't, it was just irritable bowel syndrome.

A-A-A-A-A-A-And...

back to the magazine.

That's it, out. Manny has lots to do. Thank you, Fran.

It's important.

You, Imperial Leather, back to work.

Right, you, Hawkwind, back to work.

Nothing to do.

There's plenty to do.

Splishy, splashy, come on!

(TUTS)

What'd you do that for?!

It's dangerous, you'll have somebody's eye out.

Hurry up and sweep up, will you?

RADIO: # ROCK MUSIC

TURNS OFF RADIO

Oh, Bernard come on!

TURNS ON RADIO

SCISSORS SNIPPING

Yes.

Manny.

Manny, PHONE!

MA... Oh, I'll get it, shall I?

Hello.

Bernard, hello?

Manny, the phone's been ringing!

I'm running away. I left you a note, did you not see it?

Running away? Note?! Did? See? What are you talking about?

It's right in front of you.

Why are you running away?

The note will explain everything.

This is nearly a page, can ya just give me the gist of it?!

Well, I made a photocopy, so yes.

"Dear Bernard, By the time you read this, I will be gone."

"You will never hear my voice again and I will never write or phone."

"You've been nasty to me recently

and it's time to try and make it by myself."

"I'm old enough to make my own way in the world and if you..."

BUZZING

A bee!

GET OFF! OW!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

"AH, THERE'S A BEE IN HERE! GET IT! GET IT!!"

"BREAKING GLASS"

"Shit! I put my arm through the glass! Ow! Get! Get off! Get off!"

MANNY?

"I put my arm through the glass, it's bleeding! Someone help me!"

"A-A-AH!"

"BEEPING"

"Oh, wait, I'll put in more money. There we go. There."

"Ah, the bee's on my head, get it off! Someone's coming!"

"Oh, thank you. What? No! Get off! BERNARD, I'M BEING MUGGED!"

"HELP! THEY'VE A..."

DIAL TONE

Where's Manny?

He's not here.

Where is he? How can I find him?

Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

I wanted to tell him this thing.

Why tell Manny everything?

I'm good at being told things, tell me!

No, you won't get it.

No, I will, come on.

OK. Apparently, OK, David Beckham...

Ah, the footballer?!

Big smile, black guy, chat show!

See? You won't get this.

Sorry, no, he cried during the World Cup and now he sells crisps.

Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard?

Beckham, Posh, Pokemon. I mean,...

Pacman, it's pronounced Pacman.

Forget it. Where is Manny?

Oh, he quit.

He quit?

Funny actually, he rang me to say he quit and he was in a phone box

and there was this, er, bee and, er, then he put his arm through the glass

and he was bleeding and then he got mugged. (LAUGHS)

Just like that, with the bee and the bleeding and the mugger. (LAUGHS)

We should help him. (CLEARS THROAT)

And, erm, well, it's just that we're a little worried.

Yeah, I'm frantic.

He left after being shouted at by...

She spoils him. She's always talking to him. Giving him things to eat.

How will he learn about the real world?

If anything were to happen to him...

Derek, could you do a tea run?

Can we get you anything?

Thank you, I'd love a glass of white, but not if it's Chardonnay.

Er, well, no, it's tea or coffee, I'm afraid.

No, thanks.

Right. Ahem. Can you describe Manny?

Erm, he-e-e's...

Here, "Help fight crime, dial 999" -

is it 999 because it rhymes with crime?

You should take this very seriously.

Manny could have a really tough time on the streets.

Now, can you describe him, please?

Yeah, he's, erm,...

He's a pain in the hole.

He's small, he's got a lot of hair,

and he's got a goatee thing.

What, a beard?

Just how old is your son?

Oh. Oh, no, he's not our son.

Oh, no, he's, what, he'll be about 32, 33.

Yeah, yeah.

# HARRY NILSSON - Everybody's Talkin'

# Everybody's talkin' at me

# I don't hear a word they're sayin'

# Only the echoes of my mind

# People stop and stare

# I can't see their faces

# Only the shadows of their eyes

# I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin'

# Through the pouring rain

# Going where the weather suits my clothes... #

# SINISTER MUSIC

Come in, come in.

Oh, I won't stay long, I'll just get that glass of water you mentioned.

Water? Ugh. You need a nice wine.

A nice glass of wine for you, huh? You like wine?

Er, yeah.

You like wine? Wine's nice. Sss.

(CHUCKLES) Wine is very nice, yeah.

A nice glass of wine for you.

Well, someone serving me drinks, that's a new experience.

Oh, all right, all right, all right.

No, siddown, siddown.

So, my friend, you like my clothes?

I get you clothes like it.

You want a bath or some chicken?

We can watch the Simpsons! They're so funny and cool.

Heh. Yeah. So, er, you're a photographer?

Oh, yeah, I do a lot of things. I take pictures,

I sell ice cream,

I do work for, er, you know CIA?

I do some work for them. Can I feel your beard?

Er, sorry?

Your beard, can I feel it?

Er, erm, er, no, I don't think so.

Oh, please, I promise, no funny stuff. Nothing weird.

Erm,...

Well, OK.

Yeah? Yeah? Good.

Stay still.

(MOANS)

It's good beard.

Yeah. Oh, it's like a little bird.

(HOOTS)

(CHIRPS) Tell me, do you use oils?

You should. Why, the colours.

It's auburn, salt and pe... It's ginger, too. It's got everything.

Come on! Come here, just stand here.

What?

It will be fine. Here. Come on. Good

Stay still. Look. Look at the camera

CAMERA CLICKS AND WHIRRS

Again. And again.

OK, give me some emotion. Give me, er, happy. Happy, happy.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

You've done this before, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

OK, I need something... You are lost doggy in, er, crowded funfair.

(WHIMPERS)

Ah.

Manny was something else, you know.

You don't meet someone like him every day.

I met him every day.

I met him all day and all night

I haven't met him today, but he still wrote to me and rang me.

I'm expecting a fax any minute!

But, yes, I know, it's all... it's...

It's very...

Yeah. It's just so...

Well, come on, cheer up! It's just the two of us now.

No offence or anything.

That used to be enough for you.

You just don't wanna do anything fun

I like fun! I can do fun!

You want fun?

< Yeah.

OK!

Bernard, I haven't come to talk, I just forgot...

Oh, no, Bernard.

What no? Check it out.

Oh, no. No.

It's fun!

Oh, no, Bernard. No.

I'm fun now.

No, no, no.

Look, mouths! (SILLY VOICE) "Hello, Fran. How are you?"

Bernard.

Cocktail sausage?

Come on! Let's have a party! Let's go see a rock gig.

It's been ages since I've been. We could go see the Skids.

Do you like pina colada?

And walking in the rain?

Bernard!

I am into champagne.

Oh, Bernard, stop, you're just...

(SOBS)

Oh, Fran, come on, that's enough! That's enough! Come on!

You drove him away!

Stop blaming me, will you?! Just let me in, Fran!

Don't lock me out, let me in!

What are you talking about?

I'm being... upset, you know.

You tortured him. You were the one who wouldn't let him eat Frosties.

HE MADE SO MUCH NOISE!

IF HE'D LET THE MILK SINK IN, BUT NO!

You kept on about his beard.

I KEPT FINDING IT EVERYWHERE!

You said he had a funny smell.

HE DID, HE DID!

HE HAD A LIVING BEETROOT SMELL!

WHO DO I HAVE TO TALK TO NOW?!

ME! I WAS HERE WAY BEFORE HIM!

You don't talk. You just sit there and scowl and you smoke

and you make hurtful remarks about people.

You used to love my hurtful remarks!

You'd just sit there and you'd snipe and sneer and you moan.

You carp and you complain, you damn and blast!

You burn and bludgeon everything until only ashes and bones remain!

YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT!!!

You never wanted him here in the first place.

Now, he's gone, you're happy. Ooh, that's fine, long as you're happy.

Long as you're happy, everything's fine.

DOOR OPENS

Fran!

Bernard, I don't think I wanna see you for a while.

Forgot my bag.

DOOR CLOSES

WITHOUT HIM, IT'S JUST A YO!

You are slave, er, in Ben-Hur movie.

Good, good. Try a maid. French maid in, er, black and white film, huh?

Good. Left a bit, left a bit. >

Come on, man, gimme more! You're a maid, come on!

That's good. Now, turn around.

Yeah. Something's not quite right.

It's bit too Merchant Ivory.

What can we do? What can we do?

Yeah, I know! Erm, undo the buttons on your shirt there.

The buttons, take them down.

Er,... Oh, er, no, I... I don't think so.

Come on, don't be shy. Come on. >

No, I'd rather not.

OK. Maybe not. Not as professional as I thought you were, but...

No, I...

Er,...

Uh-huh. Good, good. That's good.

One more. >

Yes! That's it. (LAUGHS) Good!

Come on. (GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

Yes. Yes! Yes!

Manny, I tell you, stick with me and I'll make you a star.

The hairiest star in the whole MILKY WAY!

# SPANDAU BALLET - Gold

# Gold

# I'm glad that you're bound to return

# Something I could've learned

# You're indestructible

# Always believe in

(CACKLES)

Check, please.

What's going on? Who's this?

He's no-one. He's Maurice. Maurice, wait outside.

Manny, I want to introduce you to some very good friends of mine.

This is Mr Ikira,

(SPEAKS JAPANESE)

Mr Kenzo, Mr Kahai.

Dosu. Dosu.

Er, Manny, I got work to do tonight,

so why don't you go out and have a few drinks with Mr Akira?

Drinks? I mean, who is he?

A very nice man. Go out, have a few drinks, smile, laugh at his jokes.

then go to casino, do some gambling. Ah, muy importante,

to bring him luck, let him touch your beard before he throw the dice.

Why does he want me to go?

He see your picture, he go crazy! "Him! Him! I want him!" He said that

Where did he see my picture?

Oh, in a magazine. I told you this.

Wh-What magazine?

This one.

Wha... What's...

I never posed for this! You never told me about this!

I told you when you were out!

No, you didn't!

You argue with me? You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?!

This is how you appreciate me?! I tell you, I grew you like a flower!

AND NOW YOU MUST BLOOM!

(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE) DOSU! DOSU!

Heh, heh. Heh, heh.

Look, I am not going to the casino with this man.

It's just a bit of gambling, a few drinks, then...

you have to make sure he gets back to his hotel room safely. (SNIFFS)

Wa... I... There is no way I'm going to the casino! All right?

Now, you have given me everything money can buy, yes!

I've slept on satin sheets,

I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl,

I've been driven all over town in minicabs,

but some things money can't buy,

like the love I found in a book shop off Russell Square.

Yes, love. You know, not... not love so much, more...

more freedom, you know,...

Well, not really freedom, erm, more kind of largeness of heart!

Well, not really largeness of heart or freedom or love,

but I was never obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen, OK?!

And that is something that no amount of spaghetti bolognese and little drinks with umbrellas in,can buy!

So there's no way I'm going to the casino. No way. Never!

FOOTSTEPS

Sorry, I'm late.

No, you're not late, no.

Er, shall I get on with the, er,...

No, you don't have to, no.

I don't mind.

It's entirely up to you.

I-I don't mind.

You don't have to. (MUTTERS)

Morning, Bernard. Morning, Manny.

Morning.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Mickey Rourke had another face-lift,

he looks like his trousers.

Look at him.

Heh.

Manny, can I borrow your corkscrew, please?

Intelfax Subtitles YORICK BROWN