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1
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Fran! Fran!
2
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Bernard! Bernard!
3
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Wait till you hear this.
4
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,800
No, me first. I can't
hold onto this one. My story first.
5
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,640
No, I'm not backing down!
6
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,640
Well, neither am I.
7
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,800
Well, you know what that means.
8
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,800
Count to three.
9
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,800
One, two, three.
10
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,760
Aaah!
11
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Say peanuts.
12
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Peanuts.
13
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:08,640
I want Manny in on this.
14
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:08,640
No, no, no. He stayed up all night
with his birthday present.
15
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:14,040
The complete set of the Sweeney
and an espresso machine.
16
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RINGS
17
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,160
What? Do me a favour.
18
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It's a bookshop.
Course we've got Jane Austen.
19
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,960
Right.
20
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:39,360
OK, my story.
21
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,360
All right.
22
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,360
Imagine... Imagine you're a woman.
23
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,160
OK.
24
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,160
And now imagine...
25
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,160
Wait. I'm still...
26
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,840
OK?
27
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,480
Now imagine you have a boyfriend.
28
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,680
(GIGGLES)
29
00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:02,600
OK, and now imagine you see
that boyfriend with another woman.
30
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,960
(WHIMPERS)
31
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,880
OK, my story!
32
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,960
This is Peter.
33
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:14,160
He wouldn't do that to me... to you.
34
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He's scum.
35
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,760
Today I was getting into my car...
36
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,520
I just feel so...
37
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Aaaah.
38
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,520
Now, my story.
39
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,280
You know Gerald and Sarah?
40
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,280
Gerald... your friend.
41
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:42,440
Friend! When I first came to London
he put me up, he lent me money,
42
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,320
he helped me find a job,
find this place.
43
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,240
I was a very good friend to him.
44
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:53,640
Even though I fancied his girlfriend
I did not make a pass at her.
45
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,160
Well, once,.. twice,.. a few times.
46
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,480
But not after I realised
how angry it made him.
47
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,680
Well, once but...
48
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680
(BORED) Get on with it.
49
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,600
They invited me to a party and it was
fun. Woke up with a little hangover.
50
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,360
AAAH!
51
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,280
Well, a big hangover.
52
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,920
So I went to get some fizzy good.
53
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:19,800
Some what?
54
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,800
You know, fizzy good make feel nice.
55
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,800
Oh, Alka Seltzer.
56
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,600
(MUTTERS) Soluble.
57
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,720
Ugh!
58
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,280
< Fizzy good feel nice.
59
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,360
Fizzy good feel nice.
60
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,400
Gerald! Sarah!
Thanks for the dinner party.
61
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,600
Completely blanked me.
62
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,600
Maybe they didn't see you.
63
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:47,200
Could they have been distracted?
64
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:47,200
How?
65
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,200
Was somebody firing a gun?
66
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,160
Let's see. Was someone firing a gun?
67
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,680
Was someone fir.. I don't think so(!)
68
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:58,920
Manny, you look like
you could use some sleep.
69
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,920
Yeah, in a little bit.
70
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,800
This bloke behind me, behind me.
71
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,720
Don't look!
72
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,400
I reckon he's got a shooter.
73
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,400
(He's 100 years old!)
74
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,760
You're wired
from all-night coffee and cops.
75
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,040
So what? So they blanked you.
76
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,080
So what! So what! They blanked me!
77
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:22,600
That's an awesomely powerful
thing to do in civilised society.
78
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:27,120
It's like when the Mafia send
each other fish through the post.
79
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,760
You must have done something awful.
80
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,760
Do you think?
81
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,680
Oh, you didn't do that thing?
Your Belly Savalas thing?
82
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,800
No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.
83
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,920
So, Bernard, being blanked
made you feel bad, huh?
84
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,800
Yeah, terrible.
85
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,720
Hm.
86
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,720
Manny, get some sleep.
87
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:58,720
Something awful. God, what did I do?
Think! Think!
88
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,800
(SLAMS BOOK)
89
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,800
Get down!
90
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,240
Thank you. Enjoy.
91
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,160
It's dreadful but it's quite short.
92
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,440
Manny, come over here.
93
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,800
I'll give you a case.
Figure out what I did last night.
94
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,560
Ooh!
95
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,400
What?
96
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,760
Sat on myself.
97
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,760
Let's start by reconstructing
the evening. Who else was there?
98
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,760
Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.
99
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,000
What's their D-40?
100
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,720
What do they do?
101
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,720
Gerald's a food writer.
102
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,480
He had a big hit
with Basic Meals For The Ultra-Rich.
103
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,000
Sarah's an interior designer
on the programme Pet Surprise.
104
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,040
What's that?
105
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,600
It's where they take the dog out,
106
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,920
he thinks it's normal walk
but when they come back...
107
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,640
the kennel has a patio
and French doors.
108
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,960
Yeah. They take the blindfold off...
109
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,200
And he's like "Oh, my God!"
110
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,880
And some people
who talked about salad for hours.
111
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,640
So, how much had you had to drink...
112
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,160
before you turned up?
113
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,120
Oh, you assumed I'd been drinking?
114
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,120
How much?
115
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:46,080
(STAMMERS)
116
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,080
Erm, a couple of bottles.
117
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,920
So you were in a bit of a state?
118
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,920
I was fine.
119
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,880
No, come on! Think!
120
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,240
DOORBELL
121
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,000
(DRUNK) Hiya.
122
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Is this yours?
123
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Erm, yes.
124
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,080
Misunderstanding. Not her fault.
She's young.
125
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,400
Try and keep it indoors.
126
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,960
You brought police to their house.
127
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,000
There's more.
128
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,360
Oh, Bernard, look at you.
129
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,920
I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.
130
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,160
Exquisite gifts as always(!)
131
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,480
You're very early.
132
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,280
Oh, you remember Jimbo, don't you?
133
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,960
What do you do?
134
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:35,840
No, he's our son.
135
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,840
Oh, thank God.
I thought you had a disease.
136
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,920
It's a child.
137
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,640
< Gerald, can you help me, please?
138
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,080
Ah, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
139
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,560
Come here, we'll do the thing.
140
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,320
Here.
141
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560
There we go. Take it.
142
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,800
Sh, take it.
143
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,600
Actually, Jim, can I have that back?
144
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,520
Do you know about the old country?
145
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,640
The songs. Oh, they'd melt your face.
146
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,560
# Oh, I live in a shoe on Moor Street
I'm a prostitute from Newry #
147
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:19,000
His child's involved.
He's done something and blamed me.
148
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,600
It's always the children,
isn't it, Bernard?
149
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,160
Manny, if you have one more coffee...
150
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,120
HELP! HELP! HELP! >
151
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,720
I got it!
152
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,360
HELP! HELP!
153
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,360
Police! Stop!
154
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,880
# COP SHOW MUSIC
155
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MUSIC STOPS
156
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,000
MUSIC CONTINUES
157
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,840
All right?
158
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:39,200
..and all my keys.
My house keys, they were in it.
159
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,600
How am I gonna get into my house?
160
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,720
It was a plain-clothes policeman?
161
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,720
Yes.
162
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,720
Oh, Officer.
163
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,280
Bernard.
164
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,600
Bernard!
165
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,880
No questions,
but can you do my shoelace?
166
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,760
No can do, neck-face.
167
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:28,280
What happened to you?
168
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:28,280
No, no, you first.
169
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,280
Are you the next Bond villain?
170
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:33,800
You should have "Dorset - 5 miles"
written on you! Tell me.
171
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,240
Don't mind this, it's a dull story.
172
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,360
You first. Come on.
173
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,360
Tell me.
174
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,360
No.
175
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,000
Ah!
176
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,400
Ow.
177
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,400
Ah. Aaah!
178
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,400
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.
179
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,440
Aaah! OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
180
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:58,440
You remember I told you
how I saw Peter with that girl?
181
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,720
Mm-hm.
182
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,720
I couldn't get it out of my head
183
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,400
so I went down the beauty parlour
and got myself done.
184
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,920
'And the next thing,
who walks by the window but Peter.'
185
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,000
Then I remembered about the blank
186
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,400
and I knew
I might not get a second chance.
187
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,920
So, as usual, you dealt with this
in a mature, rea...
188
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,920
Shut up. Anyway...
189
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,160
Fran?
190
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,560
Fran?!
191
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,520
Fran. Fran!
192
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,840
TYRES SCREECH THEN BUMP
193
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:56,200
So that's how you got the...
194
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,200
No, that's not how I got this.
The way I got this...
195
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,440
It's embarrassing.
196
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Well, I was...
197
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,720
(We're closed.)
198
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,720
We're closed!
199
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,760
(Hello. Hello. Hello.)
200
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,280
(HESITANTLY)
Yeah, hello,... Razors,...
201
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,840
you just better watch it...
202
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,680
or I'll be down your manor
with all the other policemen...
203
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,920
..and we'll arrest your arse.
204
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,360
Goodbye.
205
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,120
I thought you might want coffee.
206
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,120
No, no. I've gotta go.
207
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,120
No, no. Wait a sec.
208
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:40,120
I've got a favour to ask. We've got
someone who isn't turning over.
209
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:45,600
Could you sit in on the interview?
210
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,600
Eh?
211
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,600
What's with the face fungus?
212
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,240
Undercover... Undercover work.
213
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,120
Er... gotta blend in
with a heavy-metal group...
214
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,280
who stole some furniture.
215
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,640
Bastards.
216
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:02,400
So, can you help us out?
217
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,400
No, I can't.
They need me on the job.
218
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,880
Who's your guvnor? I'll ask him.
219
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,840
Whooaa-at the hell!
220
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,920
Oh, good lad. Grab your coffee.
221
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,560
(GULPS COFFEE)
222
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:18,040
OK, so far
we've been going at him hard.
223
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:23,280
It might be time that he found
a sympathetic ear. Know what I mean?
224
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,640
So, I'm nasty, you're nice. OK?
225
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,760
(MUMBLES)
226
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,760
You're not so bad.
227
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,520
In the interview.
228
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,880
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
229
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,120
I was, erm, making a police joke.
230
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,040
Yeah, right. It's Barry, by the way.
231
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:41,800
Carter.
232
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,880
Carter? Lovely.
233
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,400
We'll let him sweat it out
for a few minutes.
234
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,160
Finish your coffee.
235
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,840
It's not bad, is it?
236
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,840
(REPLIES INTO COFFEE)
237
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,960
Bernard, come on!
238
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,840
Yaah!
239
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,840
CORK POPS
240
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,840
So, what happened?
241
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,400
After you left, I remembered
something about the party.
242
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,120
I did do Belly Savalas.
243
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,760
Durby-durby-durby-durby-durby.
244
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,600
What? I can't hear you Belly Savalas.
245
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,760
"Who loves you, baby?"
246
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,600
But it wasn't Belly Savalas
that upset them.
247
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,680
It was something else.
Something much worse.
248
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,960
Oh, you didn't do Cobumbo, did you?
249
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,880
I didn't have any cigars.
250
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:48,280
All right, so you were knocked down.
251
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,280
I had to go to hospital for checks
252
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,960
and Peter insisted on coming.
253
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,360
I was blanking him in the ambulance
254
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,360
How do you blank in an ambulance?
255
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,040
Fran, keep your eyes fixed on mine.
256
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,800
Come on, keep your eyes on mine.
257
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,960
Keep your eyes on mine!
258
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,960
CRACKING
259
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,640
Hurry!
260
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,400
Did you tell him
why you were blanking him?
261
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,400
I certainly did.
262
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:19,480
I spent some time explaining in very
clear terms why he was a scumbag
263
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,640
and the fancy lady he was with...
was a slut.
264
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,760
It was his sister.
265
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,160
He was comforting her.
266
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,800
She's lost her job.
267
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:39,800
Ah, he won't be seeing you again.
268
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:39,800
He says he wants to see
other - less mad - women.
269
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,680
Now you. I want to know
how you became the little teapot.
270
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,680
I won't tell it twice. Where's Manny?
271
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,760
Remember, I'm nasty, you're nice.
272
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,120
Noggsy,...
273
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,880
you miss me(?)
274
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,880
Yeah, I was just thinking
"When's Norris back?"
275
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,360
OI! Smart lip doesn't work with me.
I don't react well to it.
276
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:15,400
You better give me something solid
or I'll feed you to the sharks.
277
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,600
(CLEARS THROAT)
278
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,920
You have beautiful eyes.
279
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,840
You're going away!
This is the end of the line!
280
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:40,720
Would it be naughty if I phoned up
and got us all some crispy duck?
281
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,720
Sorry?
282
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,280
Speak up
or we'll be talking to your missus!
283
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,440
Ho-ho.
How do you like that, family man?!
284
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:55,040
Hey, when all this has blown over,
let's go and see Les Miserables.
285
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,320
Ever been to the zoo? It's great.
286
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,160
What's, erm,... What's going on?
287
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:11,440
I don't know what you're doing
but it's working.
288
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,000
You take over. Offer him a deal.
289
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,320
What sort of deal?
290
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,920
You call it but don't give too much.
291
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,360
He's looking at two years - minimum.
292
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,960
I'll be back in ten.
293
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960
Huh?!
294
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,880
Ten minutes.
295
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,880
(SIGHS)
296
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,920
I'm locking the door, Noggsy.
297
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,280
It doesn't open
until you give my partner summat.
298
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,080
DOOR IS LOCKED
299
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,400
Yeah, that's definitely locked.
300
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:09,440
I'm not a policeman.
301
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,440
They think I am
but I've just had too much coffee.
302
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,840
What you talking about?!
303
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,840
What'll I do?!
304
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,640
I'll talk to Norris.
I ain't talking to you.
305
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,880
(BOTH STRAIN)
306
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,800
It's a boy.
307
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,720
Back to the story.
308
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:28,000
I knew I'd done something heinous
so I went to see them.
309
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,720
What do you want?
310
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,720
I wanna say I'm sorry.
311
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,960
Oh, well.
312
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
Please accept my gifts.
313
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,760
Maybe then
we could clear the decks somehow
314
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,360
and you could actually tell me
what it was that I actually...
315
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,880
did.
316
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,880
AAAAH!
317
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,560
You did it. I don't know
how you did it but... you did it.
318
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,720
You know, Barry, I'm just a cop...
319
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,720
Just one copper
trying to make a difference.
320
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,280
Fell off my chair to some extent.
321
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:27,120
You know, Barry, I've been doing
this job for 20 min... years,
322
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,280
since I was... 15,
323
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,360
and it doesn't get any easier.
324
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:37,880
That's why I've made my decision
to retire. Noggsy was my last case.
325
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,040
I've had 100% success rate,
but I'm getting old.
326
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:46,640
It's time for this old warhorse
to be put out to pasture.
327
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,640
That's a shame.
328
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,320
I've been on the job 20 years too
329
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,400
and you are the best bloody copper
I've ever worked with.
330
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,760
It's been a privilege.
331
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,760
OK, fair enough.
332
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,760
Yeah.
333
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,280
Oh, God.
334
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,880
< Anyway, where was I?
335
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,880
You went to ask them what you did.
336
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,760
You mean you don't remember?!
337
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,760
Not as such, no.
338
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:18,560
You don't remember asking for the
hundredth time where the toilet was.
339
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,920
You went to the toilet
and were gone a long time.
340
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,600
Get him out. Get him out.
341
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,760
I will.
342
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,760
Out. Get him out. Get him out now.
343
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,760
I will. I'm sorry.
344
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,760
Gerald, can I ask you a question?
345
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:39,280
You know the thing that cleans
these things? The thing-cleaner!
346
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,720
Why is that in your bathroom?
347
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,160
I'm not Coco Chanel,
but that's a bit weird.
348
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,160
Bernard, why don't I call you a cab?
349
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,760
Don't wanna cab, it's only half one.
350
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,760
Why's there a toaster
in your bathroom?
351
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000
There's not.
352
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,920
You should put a lock on the door
353
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,920
because I was on the toilet
and little Jimmy comes in.
354
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:08,840
He's drinking milk from the fridge
and that's wrong. It's unhygienic.
355
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,360
What was going through your brain
when you thought
356
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,640
"I'll buy a wicker toilet."?
357
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,160
(SCREAMS) >
358
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,520
I thought I did something bad.
359
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:29,560
I use you wicker chair as a toilet.
It's a faux pas...
360
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,560
Faux pas?!
361
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,560
I thought I'd drunk all the booze.
362
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,120
You did drink all the booze.
363
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,120
Look at Jimmy.
364
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,160
What?! What?!
365
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,400
He's surprised.
All children look surprised.
366
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,640
Everything's new to them.
367
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:46,160
Have I told you
about the way that he... he smokes.
368
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,920
He does not smoke.
369
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,920
He's up to something.
370
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,880
I've never said this before
because I was being nice
371
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,760
but your son has the cold, dead eyes
of a killer.
372
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:07,360
I come to your house,
brought a bottle of wine,...
373
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:07,360
You brought a policewoman.
374
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,360
Either way, I made an effort.
375
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:12,120
And, you know, I was slightly
indiscreet and I'm sorry! I am!
376
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,560
But you,... you blanked me, so...
377
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,880
So what?
378
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,880
I think I deserve an apology.
379
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,880
BOTH: Out!
380
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:28,040
I came all the way here to apologise.
I don't even have the taxi fare back.
381
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,760
I behaved with dignity and honour.
382
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:35,520
You wouldn't understand
because I'm talking about dignity!
383
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,040
Hence.
384
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:46,320
Why were you embarrassed to tell me?
385
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,320
Oh, well, I fell.
It was so undashing.
386
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:52,200
And going to the toilet through
a chair - we've all been there(!)
387
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,560
Oh, I've had some day.
388
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,800
What happened?
389
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,800
It started off...
390
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,520
(HIGH PITCHED) That was a bad one.
391
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,760
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STUART CAMPBELL
26851
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