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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,160
Abbe! Abbe!
2
00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,560
Abbe!
3
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,560
(IN FRENCH)
4
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,480
Mais oui.
5
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,520
I don't want this, Freddy.
6
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,520
It's a gift.
7
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,520
You can't bribe me to house-sit.
8
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:27,280
You put it on your neck.
It gives you a shiatsu massage.
9
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,280
See? Mm-mmm.
10
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,240
Oh, that's... Oh! You see,
already I can feel that.
11
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,360
That goes right the way down...
12
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,360
BONES CRACK
13
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:41,240
I may have got a nerve there.
14
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,240
So that's what it's for!
15
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,480
I can't feel my thighs.
16
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,800
If you do change your mind...
17
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,800
I won't. Bye! Bye!
18
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,280
Corkscrew. Corkscrew.
19
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,400
Manny! Manny!
20
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,000
MUNCHING
21
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,560
SQUEAKING
22
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,400
Manny, Manny, Man...
23
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,400
Stop shouting at me.
24
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,000
Your hair looks amazing.
Where's the corkscrew?
25
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,320
I don't know where anything is.
26
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:30,000
It's like Dresden back there.
27
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,000
It's not that bad.
28
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,000
It is that bad.
29
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,160
Didn't you have a cat?
30
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:37,280
Oh, yeah! Where'd he go?
31
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,280
I found him. No.
No. You don't want to see him.
32
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,760
Ooh! Ow!
33
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,280
What's up with you?
34
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,280
I get cramp when I'm stressed.
35
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,480
Why are you stressed?
36
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,480
There's shin bandages
next to the cheese.
37
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:53,680
That's just...
38
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,680
There's jam in the bath!
You are a filth wizard.
39
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,120
Friend only to the pig and the rat.
40
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,320
Ugh! Look.
41
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:03,280
Pizza! I was gonna warm it
and eat it later. That's normal!
42
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:08,560
You are looking
for things to complain about.
43
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,560
And what are these?
44
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,360
Wasps.
45
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,120
Everything's covered in filth. Look!
46
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,800
The place is a mess.
You can't find anything.
47
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:26,040
Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg
with a comb from a shoe!
48
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,360
I must insist
you send someone immediately.
49
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,360
All right, later today.
50
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,440
First thing tomorrow, then.
51
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,840
All right, after lunch.
Just after lunch.
52
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,840
Six o'clock. Perfect.
53
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,840
SILENCE
54
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:09,240
# La, la, la, la, la! #
55
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,240
You are wearing a dress.
56
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,280
Wh-what do you think?
57
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:15,880
Occasion?
58
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,880
I got a date.
Ben, divorcee, very good-looking.
59
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,280
(Nice arse!)
60
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:26,040
Which is a first for me.
61
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:26,040
Never had a nice one?
62
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,040
No. And I know they exist
cos I've seen them on the telly.
63
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,160
You? Had one?
64
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:33,160
There was one woman, Janine. I don't
know if was nice, but it was huge.
65
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,080
So there was
this tremendous sense of value.
66
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,320
If he had three arses,
I wouldn't care.
67
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:46,400
I've read this sentence 25 times.
68
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:46,400
But this guy's special.
He's not like the others.
69
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:52,720
He's not another Kurt.
70
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:52,720
The violinist? He seemed all right.
71
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,720
No. He was very... gum-diseasey.
72
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:58,240
Or Raymond? Do you remember Raymond?
73
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,240
Didn't he live with his mother?
74
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,280
Yeah.
75
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,080
In a car.
76
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,200
Tactics?
77
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,200
No. I'm gonna be really good.
78
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,880
I'm not gonna say anything stupid
or be nervous.
79
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,840
I'll be nice, responsive and caring.
80
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:17,400
Yes. On no account must he see
the real you.
81
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,400
No, no.
82
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,760
Fran?
83
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,760
It's a very nice dress.
84
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,000
(LAUGHS ARROGANTLY)
85
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,360
What's that?
86
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,360
I-It's my new laugh with a turn.
87
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,040
The turn's all right. Lose the laugh.
88
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,560
THUD
89
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,320
Dirty.
90
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,320
(SHRIEKS)
91
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,640
Who are you?
92
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,640
Who am I? I'll tell you who I am.
93
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,920
(CREEPILY) I'm the cleaner.
94
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,920
Second degree unspecified soiling,
zones B through K.
95
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,400
A north ceiling corner,
96
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,160
cobweb containing
a number of deceased arachnids...
97
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,920
with beans.
98
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,600
Why did you call him into my house?
99
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,280
I love toffee. Dunno why
I don't eat it all the time.
100
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,640
CRUNCH
101
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,640
Ow, my tooth! Ow!
102
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,200
Oi! Why did you get this freak in?
103
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:23,680
You made me.
104
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,680
Well, I don't trust him.
He has no nasal hair.
105
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,840
Why do we need him?
The place isn't that bad!
106
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,120
This is going to take some time.
107
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,440
Everything's very... dirty.
108
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:42,320
You have grime under the taps.
That's very nasty.
109
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,040
The state of the bathroom is
(SUCKS IN BREATH) shameful.
110
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,520
And the dust... Oh, the dust.
111
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,520
The place isn't that dusty!
112
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,720
The worst thing is the cups.
113
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:07,600
Yes. You have very, very dusty
(WHISPERS) cups.
114
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,520
I want to clean your dusty cups
from the inside out.
115
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,920
OK! I'm gonna go and sit over here.
116
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,320
Anything else about cleaning,
ask Manny.
117
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,840
Very well.
Do you have anywhere to stay?
118
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,600
So that I can get to... work.
119
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:29,120
We have to leave the house?
120
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,120
Oh, this is a big job.
You can stay if you want.
121
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,440
But some people prefer to leave.
122
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:36,200
Freddy asked us to house-sit.
123
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,200
We're not house-sitting for Freddy!
124
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:42,640
What are you doing?
125
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,640
Some ash fell.
I'm wiping it into my trousers.
126
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,640
(Filthy!)
127
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,560
Whatever am I going to do with you?
128
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,320
This is terribly sweet of you.
129
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:53,240
It's marvellous to have somebody
look after the place.
130
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,240
Pleasure.
131
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,280
CRASH
132
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:02,320
Sorry.
133
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:02,320
We may have been... drinking before.
134
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:07,000
No, I'm sorry. It was clearly
a very silly place to put it.
135
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:12,000
We have another one, although I
would ask you to be careful of that,
136
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,800
because it is the only one left
in the world... now.
137
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:22,280
Erm, heating.
138
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:22,280
Ah! I see you're an aficionado
of, er, paintings.
139
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,280
Oh, yes, yes.
140
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:29,080
It's a cow.
141
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,080
Mm. You like art?
142
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,160
Oh, yes. Yes.
Especially... late art.
143
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,880
Yes. I mean there,
the way he's captured the look,
144
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:42,280
how the cow's looking over there,
we can't see what he's seeing...
145
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,880
Maybe the artist is saying
cows know something we don't.
146
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:51,000
Mm. It's French apparently,
from the Dutch school.
147
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,520
Yes. Brown.
148
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,520
Oh, I don't know what his name is.
149
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:58,480
The timer, erm, thermostat thingy,
control. I'll show you.
150
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,160
It's in the cellar. Follow me.
151
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:05,040
Manny, I have to go and wee-wee.
152
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,040
This is very important.
153
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,920
..all over the cafe!
154
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,920
(CACKLES SNOOTILY)
155
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,920
That's an unusual laugh.
156
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,920
Is it? Sorry.
157
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:26,400
What's wrong with your wine?
158
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,400
Nothing. I just drink slowly.
159
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,400
I get undressed slowly.
160
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:34,400
Well, I think I can manage that.
161
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:34,400
(GUFFAWS) Yes.
162
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,400
That's on, that's off.
163
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,400
No. That's on, that's off.
164
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,560
Oh! And Ah! Please feel free
to enjoy the wine,
165
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,880
but this is very important.
166
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:51,120
Erm, anything here is fine. You can
drink as many bottles as you want,
167
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,800
but these ten here...
168
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,960
Now, please, don't touch them.
169
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,400
Don't even move them.
These are very special.
170
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,200
I'm presenting one to the Pope
at the end of the month.
171
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,400
Really? Wow. What for?
172
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:11,560
I have a cousin who's a cardinal,
Roy... Oh, these trumped-up charges.
173
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:15,800
Some nonsense about him punching
Sophia Loren in a nightclub.
174
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:20,880
(SNEERS)
175
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,880
And the Pope,
who really is a lovely man,
176
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,640
he made the whole thing go away.
177
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,280
There's some books on wine upstairs.
178
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,880
It can be jolly
to know what one's drinking.
179
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:36,440
Ah, Bernard. Manny will fill you in.
I must say goodbye to the dogs.
180
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,680
Right, what's the thing?
181
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,680
Very simple. Very simple.
182
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:46,320
OK, so what is it?
183
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,320
We can only drink
these ten bottles here.
184
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:51,280
Just these.
185
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,280
Yeah. These, completely
out of bounds. Can't touch these.
186
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,200
Just these ones, then.
187
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,200
Just these ones.
188
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:59,320
Thank God you were here, cos I'd have
thought it was the other way round.
189
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,680
DOGS BARKING
190
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,520
Old wine is good wine.
191
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:22,720
Yes, but... expensive wine
is good wine also.
192
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,560
Yes.
193
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:29,080
But the older the wine is,
the gooder it is.
194
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,600
Ah. But by the same token,
195
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:37,000
the more expensive the wine,
then the gooder it is also.
196
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,240
Look at the colours.
197
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,640
A-All the colours.
198
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,640
Well, yellow.
199
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:49,000
This is like a farmyard of...
of wine.
200
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,880
It's like looking into
the eye of a duck.
201
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:58,760
And sucking all the fluid
from its beak.
202
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,080
Touche!
203
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:06,320
And because you win,
you get to go to the cellar.
204
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,320
Yey!
205
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,600
Music's a bit boring.
206
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:15,240
I wonder if they'd let me put
my tape on. All my favourite songs.
207
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,240
I'm a giant ear.
208
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,360
Waiting for your songs of niceness.
209
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,240
Will you just look at these breasts!
210
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,640
(CLEARS THROAT)
Wait until you hear this!
211
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,640
# SLINKY BIG BAND
212
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,280
# (HUMS)
213
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,120
Ah! Wine! Ha, ha, ha!
214
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,320
No, no, no!
215
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,880
(SQUEAKY VOICE) Drink me! Drink me!
Drink me! Boys, boys, boys!
216
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,160
You!
217
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,680
"Le Vin Du Rosier."
218
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,720
Yeah, that'll do. Got one!
219
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,000
Aha! Mon fuel.
220
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,160
Hand over. Thank you.
221
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,280
Mind your leg.
222
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,960
DRILL WHIRRS THEN CORK POPS
223
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,600
(BOTH GIGGLE)
224
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,600
That was a crazy, crazy time for me.
225
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,840
Er, a short spell in the Navy.
226
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,440
Ooh! Climb aboard, Cap... Captain.
227
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,960
Now I'm in antiques! Unbelievable.
228
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,480
Wow! Quite the Renaissance man.
229
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,080
It was about then
my divorce came through.
230
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,960
I've not settled with any one woman
since. It's like I'm, oh, cruising.
231
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,400
# CHARLENE: I've Never Been To Me
232
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,400
Ooh!
233
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,840
# And California and I've sipped
champagne from a shoe
234
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:52,560
# (HUMS ALONG TO TUNE) #
235
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,440
WHIRRING
236
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,440
(LAUGHS)
237
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,800
(GIGGLES) Look! Bernard. Bernard.
238
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,960
Look. Bernard. Bernard, look.
239
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,440
Bernard. Bernard.
240
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,800
Bernard. Look, Bernard.
241
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,240
Bernard. Bernard! Bernard. Look.
242
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,880
Bernard. Bernard, look.
243
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,360
Look! Look, Bernard!
244
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,360
Bernard! Bernard, look!
245
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,160
Look! Bernard, Bernard!
246
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,360
BERNARD!
247
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,360
What?!
248
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,760
I'm a prostitute robot
from the future!
249
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,800
Yes. Listen to the rubbish
in this book.
250
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,680
"Don't drink Burgundy in a boat."
251
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,200
What?! Wine is just for enjoyment.
252
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,640
You speak the truth, my friend.
253
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,440
I looked this up
and it says it's worth £7,000.
254
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,800
(SNORTS) Nonsense!
255
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:03,720
That's the normal everyday... normal
everyday wine Freddy gave us,
256
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,160
not the really expensive
out-of-bounds stuff.
257
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:11,520
That's from the cheap and dusty wine
on the right...
258
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,720
not the clean, expensive wine
on the left.
259
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,520
Not the... not the...
That's the cheap and dusty.
260
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,880
Not the clean, expensive...
261
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:26,560
with, now that I think of it,
stickers from Londis on the bottles.
262
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:31,680
There isn't any chance, Manny, that
you managed to direct us to drink
263
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:36,760
the unbelievably rare
and expensive wine, is there?
264
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,760
(INHALES RAPIDLY)
265
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,640
HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY THE WINE COST?
266
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,640
Seven... (INHALES) thousand pounds.
267
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,280
Well, I have got £3.50 on me.
What have you got?
268
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,320
Don't panic.
Is that what you're doing?
269
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,320
Yes. Dancing in a panicky way.
270
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:54,240
Well, stop! Just think about this
clearly and figure a way out.
271
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:59,040
Now, don't say no immediately,
cos this could sound a little crazy.
272
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,360
Could we... burn down the house?
273
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,520
No, that's absurd. Think, Bernard.
274
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,240
What about a gift?
275
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,200
Better! But it'd have to be perfect.
276
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:19,080
A really nice box of pencils?
277
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,080
No.
278
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,080
I mean, a really nice box.
279
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:25,120
If you're gonna give the guy
pencils for drinking his wine,
you're talking magic pencils.
280
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,560
You draw a cow, the cow comes
to life. Those kind of pencils.
281
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:34,280
We'll make some more! We'll use
the cheap stuff. Nobody will know.
282
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,800
He's gonna present this to the Pope!
283
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:44,080
He won't know the difference!
284
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:44,080
The Pope's used to the finer things.
285
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:44,080
Nobody will admit
that wine doesn't have a taste.
286
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:49,040
You can't taste anything! You smoke
eight jillion cigarettes a day!
287
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,440
What's that? What are you eating?
288
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,480
Some sort of delicious biscuit.
289
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,480
It's a coaster.
290
00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:01,080
Is it? Are there any more? Do they
describe the wine in that book?
291
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:06,600
Yes, I think so. Oh! God, the cramp!
Very stressed at the moment.
292
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,800
Use the shiatsu machine.
293
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,160
Aagh! Oh ! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ow!
294
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,760
So, Ben, who's the real Ben, Ben?
295
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,040
I didn't have a good time at school.
296
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:29,400
Didn't feel comfortable?
297
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:29,400
Mm. I sort of...
298
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,400
Retreated
into a private fantasy world.
299
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,520
But I always...
300
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,520
Got on very well with women?
301
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,320
They helped you feel less different.
302
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:38,960
But something was still wrong,
something that stops you sleeping?
303
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,840
How could you possibly know this?
304
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,080
Just a hunch.
305
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,000
Tell me, Ben.
306
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,240
How many times a day
do you talk to your mother?
307
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:57,400
Hey? Oh, God, I dunno. The normal
amount - four, five times a day?
308
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,600
Ben, I've got something to tell you.
309
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:09,800
It might come as a bit of a shock,
but you are...
310
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,640
Question. What do
the following have in common -
311
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,080
Elton John, Ian McKellen,
Jean-Paul Gaultier?
312
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,640
Well, they're all fabulous.
313
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:29,600
I'm chewing the cork
to get it back in the bottle. OW!
314
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,760
My tooth's come loose. It hurts!
315
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,520
"A trace of vanilla." Do we have any?
316
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,720
Ice cream?
317
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,720
Yes!
318
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,720
I'll check the freezer.
319
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,560
THUNDERCLAPS
320
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,560
(CACKLES EVILLY)
321
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,680
They'd laugh at me if they knew
what I was trying to do.
322
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:57,680
Create a new superwine
in half an hour with no resources
and a fool for an assistant!
323
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,440
"Bernard Black, he's mad!"
they'd say. "He's dangerous."
324
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,440
Well, I'll show them!
325
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,960
I have returned!
326
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,960
Nutmeg! We need nutmeg!
327
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,800
Nutmeg!
328
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,240
It's my legacy to the world!
329
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:17,960
(LISPING) Anything else you need?
Just with the limp, I'm tired.
330
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,960
JUST GET THE NUTMEG!
331
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,160
Oh, it's just here.
332
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,600
"An oaky finish." Oak! Oak!
To the front garden!
333
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,760
BELL TOLLS
334
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,000
What is this?
335
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,400
This isn't oak!
Where did you get so much?
336
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,240
(YELLS)
337
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,840
(BOTH WAIL)
338
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,120
Get back in! GET BACK IN!
339
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,200
THUNDERCLAP
340
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,200
HERE IT IS! (SHRIEKS)
341
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,440
Dust, dust!
342
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,000
He'll never know! He'll never know!
343
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:34,800
It's all so clear. I suppose
I've been fighting this all my life.
344
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,320
Why am I fighting? Thank you, Fran.
345
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,280
You've saved my life!
346
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:45,760
I'm really (MUFFLED)
very happy for you. Very happy.
347
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,920
I'm so happy...
348
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,640
# Jam, jam, jam
Jam, jam, jam
349
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:07,200
Bleugh! Bleugh!
350
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,200
SPLAT
351
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,320
Sorry! Oh, hello!
352
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,360
That is a very, very nice dress.
353
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,320
Paper.
354
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,320
Aha.
355
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:23,160
Another date?
356
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,160
Yep. This time
I might be onto something.
357
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:28,640
He's a very interesting man.
You know him.
358
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,640
Really? Who?
359
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,640
(SPLUTTERS)
360
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,560
Bye, Bernard!
361
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,560
Dirty!
362
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,760
You flirt!
363
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,120
Oh, my God!
364
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,120
What?
365
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:58,520
It's the 19th. It's my birthday.
366
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:08,640
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REBECCA DODGSON
25791
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