Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

I don't know, Nick, you're the accountant.

These books! Yeah, I know.

Hello, you in there? Maybe. I'm not sure.

Excuse me. I just wonder if...

It'll be much simpler this time, Nick, honestly.

OK, all right. See you in an hour. OK. Bye.

Now. Those books. How much?

Hmm? Those books. Leather bound.

Yes, Dickens, the collected works.

They're real leather?

They're real Dickens.

I must know if they're real leather, because they have to go with a sofa.

Everything else in my house is real.

Give you 200 for them. 200 what?

£200. Are they leather-bound pounds?

No.

Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

Hello.

The Little Book Of Calm? You have it? I need it.

I'm late for work. Calm. Little Book.

Is this it?

No, no, too big! Little... Just...little. Small.

This one?

No! Calm! Little Book Of Calm.

Little one. That's it! Yes! Money. How much?

£2.50.

£2.50. Could I...?

I'll just get you a bag.

I.. no! No, thanks. Don't need it. Just the book!

I'll do a receipt. No! I don't need a receipt.

It's broken. I'll just write one. (SLOWLY) Little...

I'll do it!

Of... Calm... 2.50. Thank you.

Look,... (STAMMERS INCOHERENTLY)

Try... to try... no... L-l-l-let go once in a while,

you are a loose lily floating down an amber river.

(SIGHS)

Sorry. I hate my job.

What a strange man.

RIGHT, SHOP IS CLOSED. EVERYBODY OUT.

TIME TO GO HOME. COME ON. What?! It's only a quarter to three.

YES, BUT IT'S MY SHOP. GO HOME. BYE-BYE.

It's hardly fair. NOT FAIR AT ALL. OUT! BYE-BYE.

I expect better service from... EXPECT AWAY. OUT! BYE-BYE. GO ON,

ALL YOU TIME-WASTING BASTARDS, BACK ON THE STREETS.

GOODBYE. THANK YOU. BYE-BYE. BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY. THANK YOU.

HOLLOW CLANGING

SHE SNIFFS

Do you want this? Buy this.

What is it? It's a thing.

Is it? Yes.

What does it do? It's very in.

You don't know. It's very now.

Pop next door and mind the shop. I have to see my accountant.

Get an assistant, so I don't have to do this all the time.

I will do it this once. You do the same for me, day after tomorrow.

OK. Why?

You know my pal, Julie? Yeah.

They're inducing the baby on Wednesday. I'm her birth partner.

Ugh! It's gonna be very intense, lot of blood and shouting.

No! I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk.

It'll be just like the old days.

OK. Have a nice time. Bye.

Hello?

I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

Show me your new filing system, Bernard.

This is March...

to er...booblyboo.

This is Misc...

and the rest are, er...

other.

Other what? Other weeks, backdated weeks, is it?

No. Other...

times. So it goes this week, very recent, and all other times.

You must help me out, Bernard. What period is all other times?

I don't know! I'm not...

..Wonderwoman!

This new system is very closely modelled on the old system.

I'd go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly the same.

Except...

No, it's the same. I lied on the phone, Nick, I lied.

Well, I mean...

(Did you hear that?) What? What?

Nothing. You're lucky I'm so...

..accommodating. A lot of other accountants might be a bit funny...

PHONE RINGS

Hello? ..Yes, Jane. ..Oh, right.

OK. Yeah. Mm-hm.

WHIRRS Yeah, all right.

Bernard, I've just gotta pop off. What, now?!

Yes. I'll see you soon, OK? Bye!

He's always one step ahead! The cat has left the basket.

The cat has left the basket!

HELICOPTER FLIES OVERHEAD, SIRENS BLARE

Yeah, it's flying, flying. I'm right on it. It'll be in the pipes soon.

Best thing if I...

You!

Er, Manny. What's that you're eating? Soup?

It's... extra chunky.

What's in it?

Chunks.

Should I be doing something? You need the accounts now?

I would have e-mailed them,

but I had a lot of clink on the... stuff I expanded and, er...

plug went in some Tizer.

Shape up or ship out! All right?

Urro?

Ow are oo? Yur,... yur,...

I'm chasing up the, er...

..the tom-tur-tount.

Yeah, OK. Bye.

"Visualise the ocean."

ARGH! Get...back!

Oh! "Calm ocean."

Right, come on, we must get Friday's invoices.

OK. Coming.

HE GASPS

HE CHOKES: I swallowed The Little Book of Calm!

SIREN

Is it some kind of bald furby?

Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go?

Nick the accountant! Nick the accountant..is a fugitive!

I'm not doing my accounts!

Why?

Because you can stick it up your arse.

You'll have to do them yourself. It's quite easy.

Yeah, give it...give it a go.

I'm sure I could muddle along.

WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

THE WHAT?!

"If you live in a council flat beside a river, but are not blind... " WHAT?

"What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?!

I knew her as Ma! Ma, that'll have to do. Ma.

Possibly deceased.

"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half year

"exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?"

Right. That's all my socks paired.

Back to the accounts.

OK.

for the half year

RINGING TONE

Hello, Ma? Bernard.

No, nothing's wrong. I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I?

I am, yeah. I know. Yes. Yes.

Yes, I will. I know. Yes. Yes! I know. Yep. OK. Yeah.

GOODBYE-I-HAVE-TO-DO-MY-TAX!

"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half...?"

INSISTENT KNOCKING AT DOOR > Ah, thank Christ!

Yes?

Hello, we're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus?

GREAT! COME IN!

What?

I'd love to hear about Jesus! What's he up to now? Come on in.

Are you sure?

YES! IN! IN! COME IN! It's a trick!

It's just, Generally... people don't say yes.

WELL, I'M NOT PEOPLE. COME ON IN. LET'S TALK BELIEFS.

Come in. Come in. Grab a pew.

Right. Let's go.

Well, er...to be honest,...

we've never actually thought this far ahead.

It's nice in here. Indoors.

What's your favourite story about, erm... Our Lord?

Money lenders! Has to be the money lenders.

Chasing them out of the temple.

It is knock-out stuff, isn't it?

And yourself?

Oh, well, it's all good. Erm...

but I suppose when He rescued... when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.

No, Jesus tells that story about the Samaritan, who helped somebody else.

Really? Yeah. Wow!

And I like the one where He went to dinner with a tax collector.

Do you have any literature or... or anything I could look... at...?

Oh, yes! Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines!

STEADY BEEPS

Ah! There you are. Erm... Time for my results?

Well, it's rather bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.

The Little Book Of Calm is between the small intestine and pancreas.

If it rotates 1-2cm left, you'll be dead in seconds.

Oh, my God!

That's just the worst-case scenario.

The other possibility - and this is far more likely -

is that The Little Book Of Calm will move right into the renal canal.

If this happens, you could live for anything up to...

ten years, one year, who knows?

Because of the massive scarring caused by The Little Book Of Calm,

it is possible you'll be in a massive amount of pain...

..during that time.

BEEPER

Sorry about this. Must go.

We'll operate to see what we can do.

There's a good you'll survive. A 30% chance.

So try not to worry.

As the book itself says, erm...

"Whenever you're in a tight spot,

"try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island."

Hah! He said that because NO-ONE'S without sin, is that right?

Yeah, that's what he was... But it was hidden!

So it sounds like God and Jesus are the one thing?!

You got it! Sure you won't stay?

Ah, no, we have to go. It's very late.

OK, all right, whatever.

Call again, though.

Oh, yes, yes.

Ha-ha, yeah, yeah.

CHOKED-UP: Goodbye! Yeah, later.

Bernard? Finished your accounts?

Yeah. I turned them into...

a rather smart casual jacket.

Bernard! It is a nice jacket, but what about your accounts?

I dunno. Will you do them?

Look, you've got that wrong, for a start. Divide by 10, there.

No! I'm not doing this.

I have to give my attention to being Julie's birth partner.

Look-look-look what's written on the side - 15.99 - no, I wrote that.

What'll I do now? Who'll help me?!

Ah, Mr Bianco, back with us at last.

There's been...a...complication.

We went in to remove the book and, erm...

Well, er... In medical terms, it's gone! It's not there.

I don't know how but you assimilated it into your system overnight...

which is, of course, impossible.

How do you feel?

Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon you'll soak yourself calm.

Sorry?

If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables.

Yoghurt, milk and seeds.

Er, maybe you should get some rest.

When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate.

Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn,

be king of your own calm kingdom.

Er...

GOT IT! I'M DOING THEM!

This is so simple. It's for giving up sugar.

Yeah. That's what it's not.

No, that's absurd, isn't it?

What's this, now?

"Blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah

"Exemption clause: Persons suffering from injury or sickness

"may defer their returns until..." Wait!

"Persons suffering from injury or sickness may defer their returns..."

Ah-hah!

No, give it up. You'd have to really cripple yourself.

You'd not do that to avoid doing accounts.

We've got a special offer on this.

Really? Yes, it's free if you break my legs.

Fair enough. Great!

I'll get a hobbling post. OK.

Wait. I've read this one. That's the problem with Wodehouse.

Yes. He's terrible. Hurry up. Break my legs.

But I've already read it. No. Sorry. Got to go.

What is this?! What is this?! Have you any idea what the hell this is?!

"Would the birth partner of Julie Williams report to Delivery Room 1?"

(HEAVENLY CHOIR) # Gloria!

# Gloria! #

< HELP!

WHERE'S MY BIRTH PARTNER?

I can't do this without my birth partner. Where is she?

We can't find her.

We've been calling all day.

When you're feeling under pressure, do something different.

Roll up your sleeves or eat an orange.

# Gloria!

DOG BARKS

DOG STOPS

CAR ALARM

ALARM STOPS

Is it some kind of fake breast?

You know, that dads wear.

What are you talking about? You know, for babies.

Ba...?!

Babies! Oh, my God! Julie!

Look for things to make you laugh.

If you see nothing worth laughing at pretend you do, then laugh.

What...? What, er...?

Oi! Hairy! >

What you lookin' at?!

Have you ever seen a calm person with a loud voice?

Try and speak softly.

Add a dab of lavender to milk,

leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it.

You lot, clear off. I have to do a few, you know, I have to...

What? Skinheads! Perfect! Ha-ha!

You fink you're funny?

Wha...what happened?

Lookin' fer anuver slap, are ya?

Looking for another slap?

Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Hey, when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do at weekends,

and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and arses,

does that not get confusing?

Right. Look, this is you, OK?

HE SINGS FALSETTO

Millwall? That's the one.

Do you know this chant?

Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful

and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated...

(HEAVENLY CHORUS) # Ave...

# ..Ave...

# ..Verum...

# ..corpus...

# Natus...

# ..Ex Maria...

# ..Virgine... #

Are you in pain?

NOT ENOUGH! Where have they gone?!

Oh, er, they got tired and went away. Why did you do that?

That was just so incredible, the way you let them punch you. Thank you.

I'm gravely injured. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Well, I could do your accounts.

Well, I'm an accountant. Was one.

Er, it's the least I could do.

You mean you could do more? Could I have a glass of wine?

And a ham sandwich.

If you like. With a pickle?

All right.

THEY SCREAM

You get started on that and I'll begin the business of the day.

Car won't start! Cab number! Cab number!

Gotta get to Julie.

SHE SCREAMS