Original subtitles

Oh, come on, it's not a big deal. Half of my class have got one.

You're not getting a fake ID, Georgie. You're not old enough.

Yeah, that's the point.

It's not about drinking or going out or anything...

Oh, no, I'm sure you're just desperate to do jury service.

It's just some gigs and festivals

and venues that... It's a no, Georgie.

Sweetheart, just be thankful you inherited a youthful appearance

from my side of the family.

Both your dad's sisters

have foreheads you could strike a match on.

AMANDA SIGHS

That should be our house.

Life is so unfair.

Is that a lot of money for a house?

It is around here, Manus.

Why's the writing so small?

It's not. Are your eyes OK?

Yes, thank you.

It's their font that's the issue.

My eyesight is actually perfect.

Ugh, come on, we're going to be late.

Oi! What are you doing with my daughter?!

Oh! I'm so sorry, so sorry!

Mum! I didn't... So embarrassing.

Sorry! Second-hand embarrassment, Mum!

You just walked away! You're so embarrassing, Mum.

How do you not know your own daughter?

Oh, my God!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Come on, boys. Half-time.

Let's get a drink.

Sorry, Amanda, what was it again?

Flat white, whole milk.

Great. Honestly, head like a sieve.

Flat white hole, flat white hole, flat white hole...

Don't get too settled, we're going to grab a team photo

if we get a minute.

What? Someone needs some glasses there!

No, actually, Mal.

For your information, I have a biological age of 33.

Really? Yeah. Not my words, those of Marie Claire's website.

Oh, yeah! And my last eye test showed 20-20 vision, so...

Yeah, but when was that?

Cos your eyes fall off a cliff in your late forties, you know.

That's nonsense. It's just a kind of...

...misty haze.

It's rather lovely.

It's like watching a 1950s film.

Great news! I've just got another booking!

Hey! Oh, Fi!

This one's a spaniel called Daniel.

I already walk a Pug called Doug

and a bull mastiff whose balls are massive,

which is almost the same thing,

so it's like a proper business now, guys.

I mean, it's got a logo and a name.

I'm Utterly Barking.

Indeed you are.

I've even found meself a little van.

Nice! What kind?

Don't know. White one. Four wheels.

Don't know much about cars.

I saw it on Facebook and they said I could see it today, so...

I could give it a look, if you want. Really?

Oh, yeah, Mal loves a bit of vansplaining.

Because he's always...

Yes. No, we got it. Yeah... Perfect.

SHE SIGHS

Right, I've got a latte for Amanda.

No, Anne. Flat white whole.

Flat white whole!

And with that, a nickname was born.

Very sorry.

I'm all at sixes and sevens today.

It's fine, I'll drink it to be sustainable.

Oh, talking of drinking, Georgie was just asking about fake ID,

so something else to keep an eye out on.

Great. Now I feel old.

Well, no, Fi, because it shows they're young,

too young to drink,

which means we're parents of young children.

We're young parents.

Oh, right, so do we need ID?

Well, I don't see Darius having a need for that any time soon.

He's still all about Roblox... Aww. ...and chocolate milk.

I mean, look at that little cherub.

Yeah, exactly.

Such a sweet, sweet little boy.

CAMERA CLICKS There you go.

CHEERING

Let's go!

Can I give you a lift, darling?

Hate to think of you going by bus.

I don't go by bus. I walk.

Aww, poor thing.

A lift would lovely. Thank you.

Oh, erm...

Do you think you could drop me at the opticians?

Hmm... Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Mummy!

Hold on, I haven't got my seat belt on!

Where'd I park the bloody thing?

So, Elspeth's house is officially on the market.

Dead cat lady?

Yes, I'm sure that's how she'd...

HORN HONKS Jesus!

Mummy, that was so close!

No, plenty of room.

Erm...

Yeah, er, it's not exactly cheap, but, actually,

given the floor space... HORN HONKS

Car! Relax, I saw it.

Yeah...

So, yeah, I'm just, er...

...wondering if there's a way for me to...

...secure the investment...

Are you angling for a loan?

No, not at all.

Mummy, nothing like that.

I wasn't planning to pay it back.

Well, that sounds really tempting! I meant more...

Oh, my God!

Erm...

There's the possibility of you gifting me

some of my inheritance early, you know?

Erm...

Ahead of your, er...

Death? Well...

Oh, sorry, darling. All my money's tied up in the house.

Oh. Looks like you're going to have to wait for me to croak.

Christ!

How have you made it this long?

Mummy, can you just pull over? I'm going to walk from here.

Fine. Your funeral.

That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

There you are.

Thanks, Mummy.

Absolute maniac.

Jeez, this is wrecked.

Yeah, don't buy it.

I like it.

Are you serious?

Yeah. It reminds me of the one that me dad used to drive.

His had a little rust patch just like that.

Yeah, most buyers don't normally go for those, as a rule.

Hmm. He used to take me out on his rounds with him.

He was a delivery driver.

He used to let me take off the handbrake,

put the hazards on when he was making a drop.

Lot of happy memories in that van.

Listen, I get the nostalgia, I really do,

but trust me, you do not, under any circumstances,

want to buy a van in this sort of condition.

60, 80, 1,

20, 40, 60, 80...

Right, all done.

So, the test shows you're a +1 in both eyes.

Oh, that's great.

Such a relief. Thank you so much.

No, that means you need glasses.

But you said "plus".

"Plus" means good things like A+ or Platinum+ or...

Well, everything.

Except plus size.

Actually, no, even that now.

It's just how we express degrees of long-sightedness.

I'm long-sighted?

It's a perfectly normal result,

especially as you're heading towards 50.

I'm not heading towards 50!

Oh! I had your date of birth down as 197...

Yes, I know what I put.

I wouldn't call that "heading towards 50."

That's like turning onto the M4 at Chiswick and saying

you're heading towards...

Well, I'm not sure where the M4 ends up,

but it's probably a very long way away and not worth worrying about.

I think it's Swansea.

Exactly. There you are, then.

Maybe take the prescription and just have a think.

OK.

Where are the glasses?

Mum, could you do us a favour?

Oh, yes, of course.

I was just standing here ironing while making a lasagne,

thinking, "What else could I do?"

Cool.

Could you get me an ID?

Oh, my God...

My little boy? Where's my little boy gone?

What's the hurry to grow up?

What do you need a fake ID for anyway?

Is it for drink?

Are you a drinker now?

Or is it drugs?

Are you hooked on drugs?! Mum!

I don't think a drug dealer would ever ask me for my ID.

Anyway, I don't want a fake one.

One of them Government ones to prove I'm still 16. Why?

I keep getting charged full price at the water slides.

They say I look 18. That's all.

SHE SIGHS

That's such a relief.

You are, you're such a good boy. I'm sorry.

God, you gave me a right scare there.

Why would you do that? Why would you worry me like that?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! What the hell?!

Mum! Sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little bit emotional today.

I... I didn't sleep very well last night. Erm...

Yes, that's absolutely no problem.

I will send off for the ID in the morning.

That's absolutely no problem. OK. Thank you.

Mum, why are you ironing the pasta?

Where did... Oh, no...

Oh, no...

Morning.

Hi. Ah...

Oh, they suit you.

Yes, you would say that. They're £300.

Oh! OK, er...

Drrrr... Erm...

Yeah, OK, cool.

Try those. Similar style, just without the flex hinges.

OK. £90.

OK. Yeah?

There you go. OK, thank you.

Oh, wow!

OK, maybe they all look good on you.

Yes, very good. I'm sure you're the king of commission.

Oh, no, I'm not on commission.

OK, well...

OK, I will take those. Yeah? Thank you.

Lens fitting takes about five days,

so they should be ready by the end of the week.

Oh, OK. Well...

What do I do till then?

Oh, erm... Some ready readers might tide you over.

Ah! Yeah, not the height of fashion, but if anyone can pull them off...

Oh, er... Can I get your number?

Erm...

That's very... And we'll call you when they're in.

Ri... Yes, of course. Yeah? Yeah. OK.

Yeah. Erm, it's 07...

Yeah, it's just like me dad's van.

You're going to love it, Dells!

There's a steering wheel, and a couple of these sun things,

and a few of these...

Yep, yeah, I've seen a van before.

Look, as long as Mal is happy, then I'm happy. Well, actually, Dells,

I was... Oh, you're breaking up, actually, Della!

Right, let's get the pedal to the metal!

You mean rust.

ENGINE STARTS Ooh, yeeees!

..Newcastle United over the last few seasons...

Hmm... ..in the Premier League, there have been...

Tuner's screwed. Seems to be stuck on some sports station.

Oh, I suppose I should name her.

Me dad's was called Samantha.

Maybe I'll call her Mandy, after Amanda,

cos she's sort of, like, looking down on everyone.

HE SNIGGERS

All right, well, there's a bit of a knack to getting these in reverse.

You need to lift the collar, push...

Oh-ho-ho!

Are you sure you've never driven one of these?

Yeah. Maybe it's in the genes.

All right, let's go.

HORNS HONK

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fi, what's that?

Me?! He came out of nowhere!

I was indicating!

Yeah, I know, but we're in a white van.

Us white van drivers have got a bad enough rep as it is, all right?

Go easy on the horn, huh?

All right, Mal.

Mummy! Darling!

Fancy seeing you here.

Well, I live here.

And don't you look a picture.

In this? You look lovely in that colour.

What is happening here?

What do you mean? Why are you being... nice?

Can't a mother pay her daughter a compliment?

Yes, but, historically... Look, actually,

I was thinking about your idea about that house down the road,

and I think you might be onto something.

Mummy, are you serious?

Well, it wouldn't hurt to take a little look around,

and so I've booked us a viewing at 4pm this afternoon, if you're free.

SHE GASPS

Yes! Amazing!

Oh, Mummy, what happened there?

Oh, just little light brush against a "keep left" suggestion.

Do you mean "sign"?

No, the blue ones are just suggestions.

Bye, darling.

So with GCSEs imminent,

we just want to take you through a bit of exam prep,

which we like to call the three Ps of revision -

plan, prepare and, erm...

I should've made some notes... PHONE VIBRATES

Erm... So, let's make a start with planning. Plan.

It's so, so important

they have a timetable.

Er... If they haven't had time to put a timetable together,

and sometimes they will claim they don't...

Oh, those are interesting.

Thank you, Mal. Where'd you get 'em? New place on the high street or...

...1996?

They're temporary until my designer frames are ready.

And the handsome late-20s guy in the shop

seemed to like me in glasses very much.

Ooh! Obviously, cos he'll be on commission...

Not on commission, actually, Mal.

Just liked what he saw.

A lot.

Oh, my God!

AMANDA CHUCKLES

It's him!

Should he be texting me, like, directly?

Absolutely not. He's a serial killer.

What's he say? OK...

"Hi, Amanda.

"Finley from Optitrue here.

"Your glasses will be ready to collect tomorrow.

"I look forward to seeing you again."

Ohh... OK!

He, like, totally wants you...

...to go and collect your glasses.

Yeah, cos if that's his A-game, then he's no...

Oh, Jesus, what's his name?

Oh, God, your man.

Your man with all the women.

James Bond? Tiger Woods.

No, no, he's a lover.

Er... His name is the word for someone who, erm...

SHE SIGHS Honestly, I don't know what's wrong

with me at the moment.

My memory's terrible, I can't concentrate on anything,

I've not been sleeping great, which doesn't help either,

and then my emotions are just all...

Oh, Anne, do you think it's like, you know...

...menopause?

Don't be ridiculous, Abigail.

We're years from all that.

My sister's started at 42.

And I heard that, like, one in ten women get it early.

No... Yeah. Can't be the menopause.

Like Amanda said...

One in ten, Anne.

And, to be fair, you've always aged quite quickly.

Yeah... It all fits, now I think about it.

I mean, menopause definitely affects recall, I heard...

...from my friend Marcie Jane Cameron...

...in July, at the ballet, seat D4.

Yeah. No, my sister had it all - brain fog, tears, memory, the works.

Oh, Anne... What did she do?

HRT. But it changed her life, so it's worth looking into.

Yeah. Do you want to write that down, Anne?

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Were there any questions?

Casanova! Oh, my God.

Sorry.

Yes.

DOGS BARK Come on now, enough!

What happens in the park stays at the park.

It all boils down to the coaching, and until you

know how to accept that, we ain't never going to see any improvement.

Do you know what I mean? They're getting paid a fortune! Fortune!

All right, mate. I'm sick of it, Adam.

Calm down. Week in, week out, these guys get paid million of pounds...

I mean, if anything, the issue's in the boardroom.

Look, Fi, I hear what you're saying,

but I don't think we can actually lay the woes of an entire season

at the manager's door.

Yeah, but he's taken the money!

I'm sorry, but if you're happy to take the pay cheque

and the silverware,

you have got to hold your hands up to some sort of negligence.

OK, we can't say he's negligent.

I can say what I like, Alan. Free speech.

It's free speech!

Yeah, OK, thanks, Fi from Harlesden there, with your free speech.

Anyway, keep your football calls coming in.

Well, I'll, er, give you a few moments.

Mm-mm.

Ooh, such a lovely place.

Yeah.

Bags of potential.

Bags.

Well, I think we should have a catch-up tomorrow

and have a little chat about what might be arranged.

THEY CHUCKLE

Mummy...

Oh, oh! Yes. Almost forgot. Yes.

There is a little thing you could do for me.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

You might get a letter from the police

about a marginal speeding offence.

If you could just tick the little box that says that you

were behind the wheel, that would be a real weight off my mind.

What?

I was just saying, you might get a letter from the police...

Yes, I heard what you said.

It's the tiniest thing.

It's just that, you see, my licence is pretty much full up...

Ah. ..points-wise, and you haven't got any... Right.

...so if you could just tick that little box,

I think that would be easiest for everyone.

But you were driving.

Yes, but it's only paperwork, really.

Well, no, it's me lying to the police

and getting two points on my licence.

I think you'll find it's three, darling.

Or you could go on one of those courses, as it's your first offence.

I haven't committed an offence.

That's the spirit!

I mean what is 10mph?

They say that 40 is the new 30...

...but I guess they just forgot to tell the speed cameras.

Yes, right, Mummy, the cameras. Yep.

They will have a photo of you at the wheel.

Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem. Of course it will.

You are a woman in your 70s and I am self-evidently not.

Just this week, I had a man in his 20s practically drooling over me,

for God's sake.

I don't think anyone's going to believe I'm you.

Well...

...let's just sleep on it, shall we?

Seems we both have a lot to think about.

FELICITY SIGHS

Such a lovely house...

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Well, it's been mainly the memory issues, yes,

but there has also been some mood swings.

Just the other day, I told one of the twins that,

"Mammy could really use some space right now."

God, I don't know what came over me.

I know they're no longer toddlers,

but they shouldn't have to be listening to language like that.

OK. Well, I do have some results for you,

based on the urine test and those initial bloods.

Right.

Yes, and, erm...

...is it a woman's issue?

In a way, yes.

Anne...

...you're pregnant.

Darling.

Mummy.

What's the score?

It's 3-0 to the Eagles.

Oh, dear.

No, we're the Eagles.

FELICITY GASPS Oh, yes.

So, erm, have you had the chance to think any more

about my little request?

Yes, Mummy. I got my letter.

Thank you.

And whilst I'm a firm believer in helping out family members

however I can...

...I downloaded the photo and, well...

So, yeah, I think that puts that little debate to bed.

I'll say it does. Heh.

So you'll take the points?

What? Well, that could easily be you.

That's a pensioner!

How dare you?!

What?! Mummy, it's a statement of fact! Look! Excuse me.

Oh, Mal. OK, sorry, do you have a moment?

Can you just tell me what you see there?

Oh, no...

What are you going to do? Take the points or do the course?

See?

I just did a course.

Anne! What happened?

Oh, well, I fell off a chair...

Oof. ..cos, oh, yes, also, erm, a bit of news...

...er, turns out I'm pregnant, so, yeah.

Er... Oh, my days!

Wow! Wonderful news, Anne! Congratulations!

Yeah, that's amazing!

Oh, thank you. Yes, a bit of a shock.

Well, we could all be pregnant, Anne!

We're all young enough to be pregnant.

Just cos some of us choose not to be doesn't make us any older

than the people who are. That's not how it works.

OK.

Congratulations, Anne. I'm very pleased for you.

Thank you.

Stupid font's so small.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, hey! Hi!

Hi. Picking up, right? That's right, yes.

And what was the name?

It's... I'm joking.

Like I'd forget that face.

Take a seat, Amanda.

They're right here.

Just check the fit, if I may.

Mm.

Yeah.

How does that feel?

Very nice. Thank you.

Great.

Yeah, just check if they're level. Look at me.

OK, yeah.

All...

...all looking good?

Yeah, real good.

Er...

Look, this is hugely unprofessional, but I was wondering...

Follow me.

Yeah, so those are for you, and any problems, you know where to find me.

Right. Yeah?

Yes.

Yes, I do. Ah...

Amanda! Hey, there, Mumma!

Oh, look at you, you're absolutely glowing.

I was, er... I was just bleaching my moustache.

Aww.

I was just passing and I wanted to drop by a little pregsent.

A pregnancy present. Oh.

Oh. It's for stretch marks.

I've never had to use it ever, but it's supposed to be really great.

Er, thank you for this.

My cousin uses this, actually, on her scars.

She reversed a pedalo into a bloom of jellyfish a few years...

I just got propositioned...

...by the guy at the opticians.

By the guy in his 20s? Yes.

Are you sure you didn't get hold of the wrong end of the stick there?

Yes, Anne!

AMANDA SCOFFS Quite sure.

The only stick-getting-hold-of was...

...him wanting me to get hold of the...

...right end of his s...

No, Anne.

No, don't do that.

Do your normal face.

Why? What did I...? What did I...? Anne, no!

You don't have the monopoly on being young and fertile, you know.

Don't look at me like I'm some dried-up husk.

Come on. Come on, I'll prove it.

I'm just in the middle of... No, you're not. Come on.

Grab your coat. OK.

Come on, before they close.

I'll be back in a minute!

Anne, wipe it off, it's gross. Mm.

Right, come on.

Ugh!

Did somebody call the RA-Fi?

It's like RAC, but... me.

Yeah, I forgot to top up the bleeding coolant, didn't I?

Hop in. I'll take you to Halfords, mate.

Ah, nice one, Fi.

Whoa... Oh, sorry.

Ooh, got a live one there. Do you want half?

No, thank you. All right.

Can I turn that down?

Oi, oi! Lucky saddle!

What the f...

What?

You can't say that!

But that's what you say when you see a lady on a bike.

You shout "lucky saddle" for good luck.

It's like seeing a yellow car.

My dad used to say it all the time.

No, no, no. OK, turn that off.

What?

ENGINE AND RADIO STOP

That's... not why your dad was saying "lucky saddle".

He was implying that the saddle was lucky because of where it was.

On a bike? No, where on the rider.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God.

He was a white van man.

Well, I mean... How did I fucking miss that?

Well, you were a kid and, you know, it was a different time.

In the '90s, even the greatest dads could be a bit...

...stuck in the '80s.

I mean, I'm a white van man and... we're not just like that any more.

Well, I bloody am! Look at me!

Yeah, I mean, you could tidy up a little bit

and think a bit more about how you behave on the road.

Maybe it's just in my DNA, though.

All them childhood memories.

Stick me in a white van and this is just what I become.

Hmm.

Do you want me to drive?

Yeah.

ENGINE STARTS

HORN HONKS

Oi! I was indicating, you wanker!

Maybe it's the van.

I don't know why we have to do this

because the shop's going to be closed soon anyway.

It's barely 5:30.

Now, listen, you're going to go in there and browse the glasses.

I actually have 20-20 vision.

Don't show off, Anne.

I will then enter, approach Finley, and you will bear witness

to a very handsome young man 100% hitting on me.

OK, damn, he's leaving. That's him.

Oh!

He IS a very handsome young man, yes. Yes, I did tell you that.

Awful young, though.

Well, I don't see it Anne, but then maybe I'm not prejudiced like you.

Oh, come on.

He's being picked up by his mum.

Well, we all see our mums, Anne.

There's not an age when you suddenly stop seeing your mum.

Oh... Actually, I, erm...

...don't think that's his mum, Amanda.

What...?

Do you think maybe he has, erm... a slight...

...kink for the older lady?

Anne, listen to me.

If you want me to be godmother to your unborn child,

which you do... Mm-hm.

...this... never happened, OK?

Mm-hm.

Anne, move it, now.

Anne, I just said I didn't want to talk about it. Yeah.

What the hell...?

Busted. I said we should sit inside.

What do you think you're doing?!

It's one gin and tonic.

And they're only singles, so it's not that bad.

Did your mum get you a fake ID?

No, she went all Amanda about it.

Well, what... What is that supposed to mean?

How'd you get served?

Drinks, ladies!

Oh, shit.

Darius!

You little fecker!

Well done, guys.

Way to upset the pregnant woman.

What?! MEN CHEER

Oh...

Had you not...? No, not yet.

Right.

Big brother!

FELICITY GASPS Darling! I was just... No.

It's a no to taking your points.

And I realise it's going to cost me any help with buying the house,

but the fact is...

...neither of us are getting any younger.

Eyes fail, reflexes go and, frankly,

your driving's bloody awful.

I worry you're going to kill someone.

Probably yourself.

And...

...as it turns out, I would rather have you alive than a big house,

so it's a no.

No, Mummy.

Amanda... Mummy, I have said my piece, I have thought about it, I...

Amanda, thank you...

...for not wanting me dead.

Not many mothers could say that.

Mu...

I lightly brushed into a one-way suggestion today...

Sign, yeah.

...so I think the time has come for me to admit

that my driving days are behind me...

Mummy... ..so I've taken the points, they've taken my licence.

And...

OK.

What's this?

Valuation on this place.

I'm selling it to free up the money, so I can put an offer in on...

Dead cat lady.

Elspeth's. ..Elspeth's!

Mummy... I don't know what to say!

But where will you live?

Well, with you!

In our new house!

Oh! Oh, darling!

FELICITY CHUCKLES

AMANDA GASPS AND CHUCKLES