Original subtitles

Hi, Mummy! Hello, darling.

Kids! I'm home!

Hi. Hi, Mum.

Do I get a hug?

So...

how was the North?

It was Birmingham. Oh, dear.

And it was... Is it weird to describe a trade show as magical?

Yes.

It's just such an exciting time.

Interiors are really expanding at the moment.

That feels like a problem for walls.

And get this, Mummy, I'm now a brand ambassador!

So this guy who designs these gorgeous sofas

took business cards from a few elite tastemakers and he selected...

What, like a prize draw?

No, like a talent pool.

And I was chosen to receive this gorgeous complimentary so...

You won a sofa?

No. I networked a sofa! To boost on my socials.

It's quid quo pro! Anyway.

How were the kids? Good as gold.

Though Manus kept calling me, "Brah."

Is he a sexist now?

No. It's short for brother, Mother.

"Brother-Mother"?

It's... It's just what the kids say now.

Anyway, I must dash.

I'm meeting a man for "coffee."

Oh!

I've signed up to this very exclusive dating app and, honestly,

I can't move for hot totty.

Well, enjoy your "coffee."

It's not really coffee, darling.

Yes, I know, Mummy.

Kids! Gan-Gan's going now!

Oh! Such a magical age.

Morning. Morning.

Oh, Mal. I need a hand...

Taxi! Well, I'm off to... Quick as you can!

HE SIGHS Don't even argue.

So when's the new one coming?

Well, not for a few days,

but I need to vacuum and touch up some scuffs.

Let's get the cushions off first.

OK.

What's this slimy...

ARGH! Ergh!

AMANDA RETCHES Urgh!

Oh, my God!

Is that a condom?!

Urgh! I touched my face! Oh, my God!

Urgh!

Oh, not with the hairbrush! HE LAUGHS

That was in your sofa! So gross!

Amanda, that's foul.

Ugh! Whose is that?!

Could it be yours? No, Mal.

I've been V-Cel since Johannes.

Voluntary celibate. Just focusing on me and my needs.

All right, well, it must be someone's.

No shit, Shergar.

But who else in this house is sexually active?

Yeah, I know, Darius, but I really want to get a ticket.

OK, I could ask Stanley to be fair.

Everything can be bought online, there's got to be a website.

I've checked on the website.

We can look somewhere else. I can't wait to see you.

All right, we either need to move this or put it down.

I am going to have to speak to her, aren't I?

And get Anne to speak to Darius.

Yeah.

These things require a two-pronged approach.

It's usually more of a one-pronged approach.

Mal! This is serious.

Well, they're 16 now. I think it's quite normal.

So have you had the chat with Ned then?

Yeah, of course. Me and JJ divvied it up.

I was communications with the opposite sex

and JJ was contraceptives.

Basically I was tactics and JJ was the kit man.

Right. There you go. OK.

What time they coming to collect it?

Who?

I don't know, the council or whoever you booked it with.

No-one.

Mal, this is a very expensive sofa. Someone will take it.

You can't just leave it in the street.

Why don't you stick it on Marketplace?

Mal, I don't do Facebook cos of my moral objections to Meta.

It's a good job they don't own Instagram, innit?

God, isn't it?

Yes, you just see it, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it's very nice, yes. Yeah.

And you won that?

No, I networked it, Anne, cos of my profile.

Oh, right. And you just left the old one out on the pavement?

Its second life is pending, yeah.

Sure. If I dump a sofa, it's fly-tipping,

and if you do it, you're part of the circular economy.

Well, I'm giving someone local the chance to own a piece

of Chiswick-quality furniture. It's actually very community-minded.

Mmm. Unless, you want it for your homeless charity?

Well, it's a food bank and you can't eat a sofa,

so... no.

Stick it in the van, if you want? Take it down the tip.

That sofa has survived one marriage and two toddlers, Mal,

I think it deserves a better fate than the tip.

All right. Honestly!

It'll get snapped up any moment. You'll see.

Bye!

That was Della. She's on her last leg.

She's dying?!

No, of her journey. From Hawaii.

We've got her back for the weekend. Well, some of it anyway.

Aw! So nice! Yeah, can't wait!

We'll have a stroll by the river, spot of lunch.

I found this ace gastro pub that's dog friendly. Thank you, ChatGPT.

What's Chatty Petey?

No, it's Chat G-P-T, Anne.

It's AI.

Oh.

Yes, yes, that.

Yeah, I think the kids put it on my phone but I don't really trust it.

Um, I mean, Chris always laughs at me

for saying please and thank you to Alexa,

but, um, at least when the computers take over, they'll have me down

as one of the good humans and they might spare me.

From the first cull at least.

I...mainly just ask it about pubs.

But you can ask it about anything.

Oh. It's dead good for advice.

Felicity! Off the pitch!

Oh, Mummy!

Sorry I'm late.

I met someone for "coffee".

You're actually starting to put me off coffee.

Don't be a prude.

You should get on this app, darling.

No, Mummy!

No, thank you. No, it's a rich seam of solvent men.

There's loads of them. Look! What do you think of him?

Hmm. Maybe a touch old, but, er, yeah, why not? Yeah, I'm game.

No, he's the one I'm seeing.

That's coffee man?

Five shots last night.

And a quick AeroPress this morning.

Anne?

Love's young dream.

Really takes me back, y'know?

Me and Chris once kissed so hard when we were courting,

that I developed a pressure sore on my gum.

Marvellous. I'm glad I got you alone actually, Anne.

I found an unwrapped condom in the house yesterday,

and, well, it's not mine.

Obviously.

Yes, thank you, Anne. My point is, if it's not mine...

Oh, don't be ridiculous! They're only kids.

Can you imagine getting down and dirty at 16?

Oh, God, they're at it, aren't they?!

I don't know, Anne, but I think we need to talk to them,

make sure they're armed with all the facts.

Jesus. Chris is currently away in Vancouver, Canada.

Right. This would have to happen when he's away in Vancouver, Canada.

I know where Vancouver is, Anne.

Yes. Yeah, I will talk to him. OK, yes.

OK, that's enough Darius! C'mon!

Spaghetti Hoops for tea.

My poor sofa.

Who's done this?

You see?

I told you. You've opened the floodgates now.

People see an abandoned settee in the street,

they think it's a dumping ground.

Oh, you've finally been evicted?

Trying to get rid of this old thing.

He means the sofa... They're nice!

Thanks. Yeah, Della's back tonight, so I'm making an effort.

Flowers... Ohh! ...a nice Merlot,

new razor... Hmm!

...and some plughole unblocker because, y'know, it's been a while.

Sounds lovely.

I mean having Della back, not your...

Although I'm sure...

Do you know what? This is actually a decent settee.

Yes, thank you! Yes, it is.

Yes! See?! People like it.

Oh, no! Bobby! No, no!

Bad dog! Bad dog! Oh, God, Fi! Can you tell him to stop?

That's horrid! I'm so sorry, Amanda. Bad dog!

Well, no-one's going to want it now, are they?

Excuse me? Is... is that going begging?

Yes.

Yes, it is. Free to a good home.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Ha! Thank you.

Oh, dear!

God, I'm exhausted! ...Not an airport game.

Oh, it's so good to be home!

DOG BARKS

Whoa! What the...

Oh!

That's a much bigger dog in real life!

Ah! He's licking my skin!

Oh, he loves his other mummy!

OK, right, cough up. Oh. We had a deal.

Here you go, mate. Oh, come on, it's not 1985.

Bloody 'ell.

Thank you. OK. Right, I'll see you guys later then, yeah?

Where are you going? To buy drugs.

Cinema.

Oh!

Out. All evening.

At the cinema.

Ohhh.

Ohhh!

Oh, I knew there was a reason to fly 7,000 miles.

DOG BARKS

Oh! So sorry!

I've been letting him sleep on the bed while you were away.

Oh, just kick him out and shut the door.

No, cos if I do that, he'll scratch at it all night.

Let me just...

Let me get him settled downstairs and I'll be right back.

OK. Yeah.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Georgie, sweetheart, could we have a little chat?

It's just about you and Darius...

Oh.

Georgie?

CHATTERING IN DISTANCE

I was like 12...

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God.

Um, excuse me!

Does this look like a youth club?

A bit. Yeah. Sort of.

Could you just move along, please?

Is she serious?

I hope you haven't scuffed my sofa! Go on, shoo!

Not you, Georgie.

Now, then. Right. Where were we?

SHE SNORES

Right. Georgie.

Good.

I think we might need to have a little chat. Oh, God.

Gan-Gan's dead. No. Why would you think...

Then, why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird. Yes, you are. Is Manus adopted?

No. Wha...

Nothing... W-Why Manus?

Oh, my God, I'm adopted?!

No. No-one's adopted.

Or dead.

It's more of a personal, um...

No, intimate...

This is now officially the weirdest moment of my entire life.

No, it isn't! Stop saying that.

I'm actually being really cool about this.

About what?!

I would tell you, sweetheart, if you gave me half a chance...

Mum!

I found your condom in the sofa!

OK.

That isn't how I wanted to say that.

Um, I'm not angry, OK?

I think it's absolutely fantastic that you're using protection... Mum.

Yeah. I'm not having sex.

Are you sure?

Course I'm sure!

Yes. OK, yeah.

And you would tell me if you were?

Oh, my God. Why are you being so weird?!

Georgie!

Yes, fine! Whatever. Can we just leave it now, please?!

Ugh!

That was so weird.

It wasn't weird.

Yes, it was.

DOOR SLAMS

But if it wasn't your condom then...

PHONE DINGS, VIBRATES

Mummy.

Are you awake, ChatGPT?

Yes, I'm here and ready to help.

OK. Good.

Um...

Hi, it's me, Anne. First time user,

and I'd just like to know the best way

to talk to my teenage son about sex, please?

Great question.

Don't make the talk into a major event.

Instead, maybe try smaller, more open conversations.

Right. Yes, um...

...and where would be the best place for these conversations

to take place?

Why not have the conversation whilst driving?

It can feel more organic, and avoids eye contact,

making it easier to discuss intimate topics.

Yes. Makes sense.

Yeah.

Good. That's a weight off my mind.

Are you still there?

Yes, Anne.

Thank you, ChatGPT.

I hope you sleep well, Anne.

I will.

Goodnight.

Get your 40 winks.

Yes.

Night.

ChatGPT, what's it like in Vancouver, Canada?

That's a great question, Anne.

DOORBELL RINGS

Apology, please.

Sorry, Amanda.

No, you say, "What for?"

Well, experience has taught me it's easier just to say it.

Well, you were wrong.

Someone has taken that cherished sofa and given it a lovely new home.

Oh.

All right. Still leaves half of Steptoe's front room, but, um...

Don't be such a sour puss.

Is this your shit?

No.

Disgusting, isn't it?

Really brings down the area.

Honestly, some people.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, hold the door, please!

Ah. Mummy.

Just picking up my charger.

Anything else you didn't pick up?

Um, hmm, well, maybe my hairbrush?

No, Mummy.

I mean, did you and coffee man have sex on my sofa the other night?

Well, the kids were asleep, so we thought, why not?

Cos it's my sofa!

Well, we didn't think you'd find out.

How did you find out?

Because I found your condom!

No, you didn't.

Mummy, I can assure you, I...

I don't use condoms.

What?! Oh, my God! Mummy, you should be using condoms.

This is about your sexual health.

Just cos you're too old to get pregnant, there's still...

I'm not too old to get pregnant! YOU'RE too old to get pregnant!

No, I am not!

How dare... Listen, that is not the issue!

The issue is, Mummy, you're putting your health at risk.

You could catch an STI.

Oh, look, I don't have to listen to this.

I'm not going to take sex advice from my own daughter!

Honestly!

I was having sex before you were even born!

Of course you were! That's how it works!

DOOR SLAMS

So, er...

How is everything? With Georgie.

Or just, er, in general?

With Georgie.

Hmm? Yeah, fine.

Right. OK. Yes.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh, God, did you see that there?

That BMW just tried to slide into the hatched area.

And I wasn't comfortable with letting him into my...

...hatched area.

Um... And that's my right.

Because it's very important to respect the...

...hatched area.

Yeah, Dad just pulls out.

Yeah, well, that method doesn't always work!

Oh, God. Here, would you look?

The back wiper is stuck there.

I'll just be... I'll be back in a second.

OK.

INAUDIBLE

OK.

So, everything going well with Georgie?

Yes, I said.

You know, that kind of reminds me of an experience that I had

that was quite similar to your own current situation,

which was when I first started dating your father.

Now, we both started to develop these urges,

um, all completely natural, of course,

but a very raw, almost, um, primal craving

to explore a more physical side of...

Jesus!

Darius!

Darius!

Rise and shine, sleepy head.

SHE GROANS

So, I thought that we could take Bobby for a walk along the canal

before football.

We might run into Stephen and Chris. Bobby loves Chris!

Though he's up in his bum a lot.

Please tell me Chris is a dog.

Yeah, a Mini Schnauze.

And Stephen is a Maltipoo.

What? He's always shitting?

No. He's a Maltese terrier crossed with a Poodle.

OK, so we have the Crufts option,

or - and hear me out here -

we forget about the dog and we lie in the bed

till even our teenager notices we're missing.

Thing is, if you forget about a big dog,

they tend to do things like crap in the house.

Hmm. Morten!

What?

Can you walk the dog?

No, he pulled me over outside of Vantablack the other day

and Jake Phillips saw, so I'm not doing it. You can.

What's Vantablack? Who's Jake Phillips?

How long have I been away?!

Bloody ages! Which is why we're having a nice romantic day together,

which starts with a walk along the canal and a coffee.

Fiona, I love you, but I literally travelled for ALL of yesterday,

and until that clock says, "PM",

me and this bed are a single organism.

Great.

I guess that's me walking Bobby then.

Grab me a latte! SHE CHUCKLES

It wasn't theirs.

The condom. You talked to Georgie? Yep.

Yeah, we had a real heart to heart.

Oh, thank goodness.

Darius ran a mile when I tried.

SHE CHUCKLES

An actual mile.

With a quite a bruised thigh.

Oh, er, flat white, whole milk, and an espresso, please.

I guess that's the difference with daughters,

you can just talk about these things.

Yeah, Georgie and I tell each other everything.

We're more like best friends. So, yeah, we talked.

And cried.

Then laughed.

And then just...

...hugged it out.

And it wasn't weird at all.

Aww.

Yeah. And they're definitely not...

No, no. They've yet to enter that phase of their relationship.

Great. So I don't have to have the chat with-with Darius?

Of course you do, Anne!

They may not have done it yet, but it's only a matter of time.

PHONE BEEPS

Hi.

It's Anne again.

My sex chat with my son didn't exactly go very well.

What else could I try, please?

Try looking for a natural moment to engage with your teen.

Like starting a conversation based on a TV show you've both seen,

or perhaps a book or a play. Sorry, what's the Danish?

The Danish are an ethnic group renowned for...

Oh, no, no, sorry. Not you. ...their high quality of life...

CHUCKLING, INDISTINCT CHATTER

SHE GROANS

Oh, thank you.

Are you OK, Mummy?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

Just, you look a bit uncomfortable, downstairs.

Because you know unsafe sex leads to STIs.

It's not an STI!

OK.

And I'll thank you not to make my sexual health

the subject of baseless tittle-tattle!

If I need medical advice, I'll call a doctor.

Good. Please do.

And he would doubtless reassure me

that the only irritation I need to address

is 5'7" with blonde hair.

5'8".

So, whose rubber johnny was it then?

I don't know.

So, literally, a whodunnit.

Shag-atha Christie.

THEY LAUGH Yes, thank you, Fi.

It's not that funny, Mummy.

So, darling, who's next on the list?

SHE GROANS

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Yeah?

Hey, brah.

HE SIGHS

Sweetheart, let's put that away please.

So...

I was thinking maybe we could have a little chat about something.

What's happened? Is Gan-Gan dead?

No. Why would it be that?

She drinks a lot of gin.

Would you like me to speak to her about that?

It's OK. I'll just start serving her single measures.

Sorry, does she have you making... OK.

Sweetheart, there's something I need to ask you, and this is going

to sound ridiculous, but I just have to check, OK?

I found a condom and...

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Are you saying that it was...

I think I'm going to be sick.

It wasn't my fault! They made me do it!

Wait, what? They?!

Ben nicked it off his brother.

We just wanted to see what it looked like.

Mason blew it up. We were just messing around!

Oh, Manus! Thank God!

Yeah? Yes! That's OK!

That's just fine, my darling!

Oh! Mwah! My sweet boy!

Listen, it's completely natural to be curious

about these kind of things.

And, well...

...good to have that little mystery solved.

Though maybe don't leave things like that lying around on the sofa.

I flushed it down the toilet.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Amanda Hughes?

Yes. What's this?

Fixed penalty notice.

For fly-tipping.

Oh, no, no. None of that's mine.

Yeah, yeah, that might not be,

but there's a sofa in the park that we believe is yours.

In the park? Yeah.

Probably local kids took it there,

or drug users.

But since you left it outside...

What makes you think it was me?

The doorbell cam.

From over the road.

Pretty conclusive, eh?

Did they report me?

Reports are anonymous.

Well, it's clearly their doorbell.

Reports are anonymous.

£400?! I can't afford £400!

Then I'd get it shifted pronto.

Cos it's going to be 200 quid more if we have to put it in the van.

Have a good day. HE CHUCKLES

All right, boss?

Yeah? All right.

Hop on it.

Hiya! In here.

What's going on? You've got your best clobber on.

I'm taking you for lunch at Miller & Fife,

for the best seafood of your life.

If you weren't married to me.

I've booked The Talbot. On the river.

Oh, we can go to the pub any day. What about Bobby?

Well, can't we get, whatshername, to pop over?

Y'know, the one with all the kids.

What, Anne? She won't know how to settle him.

Oh, come on! She's raised about a thousand children.

Look, it's not the same thing, OK?

OK, why are you being so pissy?

I'm not. Yeah, you are.

I've seen actual piss less pissy than you're being right now.

I just think that you need to consider the whole family

a bit more when you're back here. I mean, I'm sure it's different

when you're off on your cruise or whatever, but...

I am not off on a cruise!

I'm working my arse off FOR my family.

So you'll have to forgive me if I want to do something more

with my one day off than spending it at the Caxton with a pie and a pint!

It's called The Talbot and it serves high-end Thai and doggy ice cream,

which Bobby and I are very much looking forward to.

Come on, Bobby!

DOG WHINES

Bobby, come!

DOG GROANS

Fine!

This is your fault.

DOOR OPENS

Darius?

All right?

Yes! Hi.

Er, I was just about to watch series one

of Emmy award-winning Netflix show Sex Education.

It's really good.

Would you like to watch it with... DOOR SLAMS

ChatGPT...

...am I good mother?

Just asking this question shows you care deeply

about your role as a mother.

Good mothers are not perfect, but you are doing a great job.

Thanks, ChatGPT.

AMANDA GRUNTS

Need a hand?

No, thank you, Mal.

Only I've got the van just parked there, so...

I'm fine, thank you, Mal.

Where are you taking it? I don't know.

I just don't get it, Mal. It is a good sofa.

I really thought someone would take it.

Maybe this is its time, yeah?

SHE SIGHS

Come on. I'll take you to the tip.

Thanks, Mal.

I'll get this end.

Oh. Hang on. What's this?

This condom expired six years ago.

SHE GROANS So?

So either someone's using very out-of-date condoms or...

What?

Are you sure you've never had sex on this sofa?

Yes!

I have never had sex on this sofa!

I mean, apart from the one time...

...my ex-husband and I...

It's Johnny's johnny.

We had break-up sex in the living room

the day we signed our divorce. HE LAUGHS

Come on.

SHE GROANS

HE CHUCKLES

You've been sitting on your ex-husband's condom for six years.

Oh, God!

HE LAUGHS

Can you not laugh? This is very triggering.

Guys?

I love you. I love you.

I love you, Mums.

Love you, too.

Love you, Morts.

I love you, Bobby.

DELLA SIGHS

I love you, Bobby.

LOUD TOOT

Oh, Bobby!

God! Urgh! Oh, Mum! FI LAUGHS

Oh, what are you feeding it?

Darius?

It's OK. I give up.

This whole sex chat business, it's a bloody minefield.

I was just trying to find the right way to say...

make sure you both want it, use protection and no means no.

But I don't know how a mam's supposed to say that

to her 16-year-old son.

I mean, you just sorta did.

And don't worry, yeah?

Like, believe it or not, I can be responsible.

I'm not going to be doing a rusty trombone in the Asda car park.

All right? OK.

ChatGPT, what's a rusty trombone?

A rusty trombone is a sex act

where a man stands with his legs apart while his...

This is the sofa I deserve.

I think it's a sofa for a bigger house.

That's the plan, sweetie. That's the plan.

Yeah, I'm here. Let's team up and kill Jacob, yeah?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Manus, could you get that before you murder your friend?

Uh! I had to get the Overground.

Hi, Gan-Gan. Mummy!

Hello, darlings.

Look at the sofa. No?

Just a minute while I wash it off my hands. Mum.

I was thinking... Yes, sweetheart?

...about what you said earlier.

Me and Darius. Darius and I, yes?

Me and Darius.

And while we're not ready yet,

I was thinking, maybe I should get some...

...protection, just in case.

I think that's a very good thought.

I'll pick you up some condoms.

Thanks, Mum.

And he's not allergic to latex or anything?

Oh, my God! Why are you so weird?!

I'm not weird!

Well, you no longer need worry about my downstairs.

I've just been to my lovely lady in Harley Street... Mm?

...and, just as I thought, it is not a sexually transmitted infection.

Right. It is just fluid around the hip joint,

which is perfectly normal for a healthy woman at my time of life.

Ah...

So, then, just a simple case of old age.

Don't you dare!

Listen, if anyone asks, just say I've got the clap.