Original subtitles

SHE LAUGHS

Is that a sourdough loaf?

GASPS Oh, my God,

it's finally happening!

Wow!

Look at this. Hey. How's it going?

It's so Nordic.

I love all the pine.

Mm. This smells exactly how I imagine Finland feels.

Are you the same Vantablack as the one in Chiswick?

Yep. That's us. Fantastic.

We were on the same street.

You might remember Hygge Tygge.

Oh, yeah, is that the gift shop?

It was a lifestyle concept shop. Store.

But, er, yeah, I guess it was my gift to Chiswick High Road.

God, it's so great to have a kindred spirit in the locale.

You know, I would be happy

to give Vantablack a pump on the socials if you like?

I, um, run this little thang called Senuous?

Cool. Love a local blog, yeah.

It's not a local blog.

Do you want a coffee? Oh!

Gratis, as a thank you.

I'm supposed to be fasting till 11:00, but, um...

...rules are made to be broken.

Thank you!

Also, can I just say? Big up to a fellow girl-boss.

Yeah. Who runs the world, right?

Jeff Bezos? I was going to say girls.

Yeah...!

Of course.

No, I love a bit of J-Lo.

There you go.

Oh, wow!

Is that a vulva? It's a coffee bean.

It's a coffee bean. I love it.

Yeah!

I should've got a straw...

Aww, hello. Who's this?

Aww, this is Bobby,

my new fur baby. Bobby!

I was feeling a bit lonely so I went out and got meself a wolf.

I mean, I would've started with a Jack Russell

or something a bit smaller, like a hamster.

Well, guys...

She came. She saw.

She gentrified.

SoHa just got its first decent coffee shop.

What about Ron's Coffee Counter?

He thought a cortado was a make of car, Fi.

No. Vantablack Coffee is a real boon for SoHa.

I'm just amazed it's happened so quickly.

As I always said, "If the Amanda can't go to the coffee,

"the coffee must come to the Amanda."

So modest. Yeah. It's quite funny though, yeah?!

Bobby, no! No, Bobby!

Oh! Sorry, sorry!

You've got a fan there, Amanda.

Who's this? Oh, this is Bobby!

Ahh! In't he the cutest?

Ahh, he's lovely!

He slept next to me all night last night.

Farting away.

Made me realise how much I miss Della.

Aww. Oh!

Ah! Oh... Oh.

Actually, no, thank you, Bobby.

C'mon, Bobby - where's your ball? Bobby! Where's your ball?

Er, I think he's found his balls, Fi.

No... That's horrid.

Mate! Oi!

What you doing?! Mate!

You can't just drive on here!

What are you doing? Are you serious? What?! Oh, my God.

Who does that?

Mummy. All right, Felicity!

What are you doing here?

Can't a doting grandmother come to cheer on her little bear?

Go, Georgie!

Right. Anyone for brunch?

No can do, I'm afraid, Mummy.

I'm doing a bit of pro-bono for Vantablack.

Promised I'd pop in later and do some shots for the 'gram.

You can come with if you like, Mummy, but I will be working.

That's very noble of you, Mands, helping out a local business.

Well, I just think Harlesden is crying out for a community hub.

I tell you what it's not crying out for is a £5 bloody croissant.

"Quoi-sannn" - and you're paying for the quality.

If you want a bog-standard pastry, there's always Greggs.

Babe, if you come for Greggs, you come for me.

I am not coming for Greggs.

OK, well, I'm just saying you don't have to remortgage your flat

for a coffee, so...

Please don't make this a class war, Abigail.

There's a place in SoHa for everyone.

I'll go to Vantablacks, you can go to Greggs.

OK.

Who is this man Gregg and why is everyone still talking about him?

Anyway - Fi, Mal, brunch?

I'd love to, I've got to go and look at some sheds. Ugh!

Tell me you're middle-aged without telling me you're middle-aged.

No - Ned's outgrown his bunk

and the double bed's taken up his entire room,

so I thought we'd build the shed together over half term,

to give him some more space.

And where exactly is this shed going to go?

The end of my garden.

My garden.

No, I'm pretty sure it's my garden.

That's why they call it a garden flat.

No, they call it a garden flat

because people are too polite to say you live in my cellar.

Um, I'm trying to get rid of an old summer house.

You can have it for nothing if you can be bothered to take it apart.

Ohh! Oh, happy days, yeah.

Absolutely. Cheers.

Well, let's make a plan after coffee.

Nobody leave without me.

Sounds great.

I'll give you a hand, if you like.

Since when have you been into DIY?

Oh, well, it'd be nice to have some father-son-stepfather bonding time.

And, y'know, I can learn from the master.

HE CHUCKLES

There's a bottle cap over there. Oh, leave off.

Bottle cap. Yeah - and that. So unfair.

Yeah, well, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

What's going on?

I suppose you've all heard about Anus-gate?

What? I got a phone call from the school...

Yes? ..to say that they caught Darius sending pictures

of his bumhole on Snapchat.

Oh! GASPS

Gross.

It's only a photo of my clenched fist!

Yes! Which looks remarkably like your chocolate starfish.

You know, this could very easily have gone viral.

So, I've taken things into my own hands.

Have a look,

and feel free to share the results with your teens.

"Please repost to show my eejit son how fast things spread online."

Please don't tell me you've posted that.

Yes, I have - I posted it this morning,

and I've already gotten 140 shares.

That's even more embarrassing

than posting a picture of my actual bumhole.

Yeah, well.

Maybe you'll think twice now about sending another picture.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, it does look like an anus! LAUGHTER

Oh, gosh. Anne, I'm so sorry.

Get that lid.

What have you seen?

Nothing, Mummy. I'm posing for the camera.

CAMERA SHUTTER Did you get it?

Yep. OK, right.

I'm going to do one with this

and swap seats for a different background.

Keep the camera up, Manus.

So you post a picture of yourself eating cakes,

and that's a job?

No, I'm going to edit it together into a montage,

under the hashtag "Let SoHa eat cake".

Vive la revolution.

Can I have some of these if you're not going to eat them?

No, Manus. We're going to the dentist at two.

Actually we need to bust a move.

Oh, so soon? Shall I come with?

Mummy, we're going to the dentist! Just stay and enjoy your coffee.

OK, so we have a latte for Felicity,

and a turmeric and ginger power shot to go. Thank you!

Mmm.

Hoh!

Ellie, babe - these cakes are going to look amazing

on the socials.

I'll pop in later to give you a sneaky peak before it goes viral.

Amanda!

It's a coffee bean, Mummy.

Just give it a stir.

Right, Manus, let's ride!

Do you do wine?

March 2022.

Bin it.

Ugh. It's bad enough that I'm grounded -

now you're making me do this?

I'm sorry but you're getting no sympathy from me, Darius.

If you hadn't... Ah, Jesus!

A mouse has gotten into me pankos.

I only showed the picture to a couple of mates,

and it weren't even my real bumhole.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to learn the hard way, aren't ya?

Pfft. Speaking of which - it's time we saw how our pot plant was going.

Bloody hell!

Oi, oi, oi!

All right. Watch your language. OK.

Shit the fucking bed.

That's been retweeted 40,000 times.

And there's 296 comments.

"How do you get your peace lily looking so healthy?"

"Do you water it every day?"

God!

I've never been so popular.

I'm going to have to reply to these.

Keep going with the cleaning, Darius!

You're still on probation.

Right. Let's get the other door off.

So, we go lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Wait, did you come up with that?

No. My grandad taught it to my dad, and he taught it to me.

Now I'm teaching it to Ned. Oh!

Right, so if you want to start on the left side,

me and Ned'll do the right.

Give us a shout if you need a hand.

I'd have killed for a shed like this when I was a teenager.

Somewhere to chill, some Magic FM,

set up the Warhammer...

Hm! How were we married to the same woman?

What is that?

Oh, this? It is an impact driver.

I didn't know you were into DIY.

Oh, I'm not, really,

but it was on sale and I can't resist a "Which?" Best Buy.

Do you want a go? Oh, no, I'm good with the screwdriver.

I got this kit when my grandad died.

Right, you watching this, Ned?

You just line this up straight with...

WHIRRING Can't we just use JJ's drill thingy?

It looks way quicker.

Can't you just concentrate?

What?

Left side done. See?

Wow.

Want me to start on the inside whilst I wait?

Oh, boys!

I brought you some home-made lemonade.

Nice.

Rather fancy!

Thanks. Oh, it's just a little something I rustled up.

This is Sprite.

Mmm.

Um, are you sure you want to get rid of this?

It's in really good nick.

Oh, no, take it.

I just used it for the occasional soiree in the garden

during lockdown.

But most of my friends have sadly left us.

Oh, no, that's awful. I'm sorry.

No, they didn't die.

They just moved to the Cayman Islands when Labour got in.

Oh. WHIRRING

Um, don't feel like you have to wait out here in the cold with us.

No, it's fine.

I love watching men at work.

Heads!

Oh! Whoa!

That's the front done.

What next?

WHIRRING

Ellie, babe. We're out of Aesop in the loo.

Oh, cheers. Did you want another coffee?

Yes, please.

Although I am very tempted by your matcha.

Matcha comin' atcha.

Oh, that's good.

You've got to put that on the chalk board, Ellie.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, God, give me a break.

That your boss?

Oh, no. That's just the guy I collab with.

My co-collaber.

No, I'm a digital nomad.

To paraphrase the song - wherever I lay my laptop, that's my office.

I'll leave you to it, then. Yeah, if you don't mind,

cos I've actually got a huge deadline so...

SHE SIGHS LOUDLY

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, by the way, my, er, latest post on the cafe

got a lot of traction yesterday,

so expect a bit of a flurry.

Great, cos we've just had these in.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, wow!

Hello! What's this?

It's a "macaronut".

A macaroni doughnut?

No, no, it's a macaron and a doughnut.

That makes more sense.

Yeah. Sorry...

I do need to concentrate, so if you could just...

Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER OUTSIDE

All right, love! Hello, how are you?!

This is my new furbaby! Fi!

Hello!

Oh, my God! That's my good friend Fi.

You know Della Fry, the chef? That's her wife.

She's a lesbian.

Fi! You coming for a coffee?

Hey, Mands.

I was just about to go and meet my, er, dog walking pals...

Get in here! Come on.

You've got to try one of these insane matchas.

BOBBY WHINES Oh, my goodness, Bobby! Er...

Welcome!

Oh, my God! Yeah! I know! It's great, isn't it? Yeah.

No, I'm really pleased with it.

Oh, yeah! Now, Fi. Yep?

Let me get a shot of you for the 'gram with a macaronut.

Yeah. Oh, a macaroni doughnut?

No, it's a macaron and a doughnut, Fi.

Oh! Obviously. FI LAUGHS

That's OK.

Oops, sorry!

Yeah, here we go.

Really? That face?

Yeah. OK, no, no, it's fun. CAMERA SHUTTER

Oh, yes!

Right. I'm just going to upload that to the socials...

Hello!

I thought I'd do a quick video about how I care for my peace lily.

That sounds just like Anne.

It is Anne. That's her wedding ring.

...doing well... And I'm sure that's her bedroom.

First every day I check for dry dead leaves. What's going on?

Oh, my God, is this the Irish lady with the plants?

I mean, good for her for having a go, but...

...please, Anne, come on - LEAVE it to the professionals.

SHE LAUGHS

That's so embarrassing.

This one's got over a million views!

Yeah, right.

No, it does. It's over a million.

What? Yeah.

People love her.

How's that got a million views?

It's just some little fat hands and a plant.

Has she done any more? Yeah, look - this one.

It's got over four mil - and she only posted it last night.

Wow!

Anne's the new "Charlie bit my finger"!

That's crazy!

Oh, God, Bobby.

Right, let's get this thing built.

So, you just grip it at the end,

and give it a nice controlled swing like so.

Coo-ee! It's only me.

Oh, God.

Georgie let me in.

You left this little box of bits behind,

and I thought it might be important.

You really didn't have to come all this way, you know, Felicity.

Just checking in on my favourite workmen.

As you were.

Ah! There we are.

All right, er, so, remember, Ned,

you hold the hammer at the bottom of the handle,

and you just let gravity do the work.

Oi, JJ - is that a nail gun?

Er, yeah.

I saw it in Screwfix, so I thought, "Treat yourself."

We have very different definitions of "treats".

Can I have a go? No! Come on!

What? This is what woodwork is all about. This.

Not these fancy guns and tools.

Sorry. All right - concentrate.

OK, here we go.

NAIL GUN PUMPS

BANG Argh!

Ooh! Are you OK, mate?

I've got a first aid kit in the car.

No, I'm all right.

OK. Just need to not breathe for a bit.

Amanda! Hey, Anne.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just feel like we haven't connected in ages,

and I was just passing.

I'm just putting the twins to bed.

Oh, that's OK. Just stick 'em in front of a Bluey.

The cartoon. The cartoon...

Oh, God.

Really sweet and shabby... Yeah. ..and grubby and...

Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

I know bed times are hard, Anne, but that's a bit drastic!

SHE LAUGHS

I just got sent it out of the blue by some company.

They make their own cucumber and aloe gin.

Sounds like a shower gel.

Why are they sending it to you?

Oh, well, they saw an Insta film I made

about an aloe plant that I rescued from the clearance shelf in B&Q,

and, er, they thought I'd like it.

That's just stupid.

I-Is that not that how Senuous works?

Like that time you got sent, er, four boxes of mouthwash?

No, that's totally different, Anne. Oh.

Now, listen,

I've been working as an influencer for quite some time now

and do you know what I don't have?

Followers? No, Anne.

A mentee.

I'm a mentor without a mentee,

and I think you might just be that mentee, for me.

Oh, um...

Now, you've got to undo all those bad habits you've picked up.

Back to basics.

Make-up. Oh, but it's only my hands that are in shot.

I usually do my posts first thing,

so, most of the time I'm just straight out of the shower...!

Anne, creating content isn't just a hobby -

it's a way of life. Mm, mm. OK?

I think you need to be a bit more respectful of my culture.

Um...

My apologies to your people.

Mm-hm. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on!

I just love plants.

Nature really gets me in the feels, you know?

Yes, you can't beat a bit of green fingering.

Watch this.

And just to add, if you're vibing with this,

then like and subscribe to Senuous for more inspiring content.

Oh, wow! Meghan Markle eat your heart out.

You think? So good.

It's so good! It's quite a departure from my usual posts.

Anne, this will have boosted your viewing figures no end.

Well, um, according to the analytics they've actually dropped off a bit.

Let me see.

That's about 70,000 less than my previous three posts.

Oh, well. Anne, that's just numbers.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

OK. That's the problem with the new gen of influencers.

They expect overnight success.

Mmm. I think you should just go back to doing that, Anne, love.

Honestly. No offence, Mands.

Abigail, with the greatest respect, this is my forte,

and I'm imparting my extensive expertise for free

to my friend who's struggling.

So, you just stick to the...

Running a food bank.

Please stop virtue-signalling. It's just...

SHE LAUGHS

I gave you guys £3,000,

you don't hear me shoehorning it into every conversation.

She literally gave me a seven-foot cheque.

Oh! Jeez Louise, it's cold out there.

It's all right for you. You ain't got to go out in bleedin' shorts.

Should've brought my thermals.

Oh, God, Bobby.

Ugh! PHONE VIBRATES

Ugh... Is your mum all right, Amanda?

Yeah, she's fine.

I mean, she never really got over John Lewis

reducing their loyalty points, but otherwise she's all right.

She's constantly in my garden.

My garden.

Do you think she might be a bit lonely?

Lonely? My mother? Yeah.

Please.

She should get a dog if she's lonely.

No, Fi! I was lonely without Dells, then I got a dog,

and I met loads of new dog-walking pals, and I'm no longer lonely.

Fi, that makes you sound really lonely.

Guys, my mother's not lonely.

Honestly, she's got a more active social life than I do.

She's basically brunching her way through my inheritance.

Don't you worry about her.

Then why is she currently sat on my front step

waiting for me to let her in like a stray cat?

It's freezing out there.

Fine. I'll have a word.

Thank you.

Oh, look, it's Pippa's mummy!

Maggie! Look who I'm with!

Who's this? She is a massive, massive fan of yours.

Oh! Yeah! Come and look at this.

Come on, Pippa! Here we go.

Are you the lady from Insta?

Guilty as charged. THEY LAUGH

My fiddle-leaf tree has never looked so healthy.

I love your accent, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait, wait, we have to Facetime my friend Sarah.

She loves you too! Yeah!

You're a proper celeb now, Anne! CALL CONNECTING

Hi - you're not going to believe who I'm with!

Oh, my God! Is that who I think it is?!

Fi, what is going on with your dog?

Every time it sees me it does that.

You think? Yes.

Your dog clearly fancies me.

But it might be worms, Mand.

It's not worms, Fi.

I've seen this before.

Albeit on human men, but it's definitely a thing.

Oh, my God, can you say begonia? "Bergonia".

MAGGIE SQUEALS

Hey, girl!

Busy today, I see. Hmm.

My posts must be kicking in.

I'll get the usual. Sure.

And... an almond croissant.

I shouldn't-couldn't-wouldn't, but...

You know what? I'll actually get a couple of extra for the kids.

Sure. Just while I've got you,

did you want to settle up your tab?

I just thought, cos it's coming up towards the end of the week...

AMANDA LAUGHS

That's good. A tab.

SHE SCOFFS

RECEIPT PRINTS Oh you're not joking.

There you go.

This is £270.

Hmm? You said my drinks were gratis.

I said the first coffee was gratis.

Yeah, "gratissss".

Ssss. Plural.

You can see why I thought it was more than one.

Er, not really.

It is the plural of the Latin word "gratia",

but in English it functions in an invariable form.

Don't patronise me, sweetheart.

I'm not - I did a classics degree.

You want to talk Latin, let's talk Latin, OK?

Prid quo pro, Ellie.

I have been doing a lot of work for you on the socials.

Do you have any idea how much word of mouth

I've generated for you, my love?

Well, clearly not enough, because you're our only customer. Oh!

Low blow, Ellie. Low blow.

No need to make this personal.

It's the opposite of making it personal, Amanda.

I'm trying to run a business.

Well, maybe if you didn't charge £4.50 for a coffee

with a vagina on top. It's a coffee bean.

That's for today's drink, and you're not getting a penny more.

And I'm taking a scone, gratia.

That's going on your tab!

All right, so the secret is to tidy as you go.

So, grab the broom.

That's going to take ages.

Thank you, Felicity.

If you could just leave us to it.

There you are!

Oh, look - Amanda's home.

Maybe you want to hang out in her flat, Felicity.

No, I'm fine.

Er...! You are not going to believe what just happened to me.

Did someone just guess your real age? No, Mal.

The woman in Vantablack Coffee -

she just asked me to pay for every single item I've consumed this week.

Only you would be shocked by that.

Well, there's no such thing as a free lunch, darling.

There's no such thing as a free shed.

Do you know what? Forget it.

Er, Amanda? Can you, erm...?

Not now, Mal. I am enraged.

WHIRRING

Yo, JJ! That looks way more fun!

Let me have a go.

You know what?

I give up.

I don't know why I bother.

Is he...? Is he all right?

Mal, you in here?

You all right, mate?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Cool, it's just...

...that's a lot of sriracha.

HE SIGHS

I know it's stupid,

but all of those lessons my dad taught me,

like how to chisel and use a screwdriver -

kids these days just don't need to know that.

Like using an A to Z or the Yellow Pages.

It's just... useless information.

You're spending time with him,

showing him how to solve problems.

My dad spent years teaching me how to code.

Nobody needs to learn how to code any more.

AI can do it in, like, a nanosecond.

Hmm. But I'm still glad I spent time with him. Yeah?

Yeah, I should probably apologise to him, eh? Yeah.

And then, um...

...do you want to have a go on my nail gun?

Fuck yeah.

JJ LAUGHS

Mm...

Oh, OK, let me get some water...

It's burning! Agh, it's burning. Mm!

Hi, Amanda. What's this?

Sorry, but you gave me no choice but to name and shame.

That's illegal. Do you know what else is illegal?

Not paying your bill.

Take it down.

No. Not until you've paid.

Ellie, are you...?!

It is £270!

Amanda, you're lucky I haven't gone to the police.

You're lucky I haven't called my lawyer.

Do you even have a lawyer?

Yes, I do have a lawyer, Ellie, actually,

and I'm going to call them right now.

Yeah. Hi. It's Amanda Hughes,

and I'd like to speak to my solicitor, please.

They're putting me through.

Last chance, Ellie.

No.

Yeah. Hi. It's Amanda,

and I... PHONE VIBRATES

He got cut off, he's calling me back.

I can see the caller ID. It's your mum.

Yes.

She's my lawyer.

No, she's not.

I can't actually afford to pay you right now.

How are you going to settle this bill, then?

And... action.

Whenever I'm in SoHa,

I like to enjoy a coffee from Vantablack Coffee.

And... cut.

Great.

OK? Yeah.

Right. I'm just going to post this on your Insta, Anne.

Why is there a willy and balls on my coffee?

It's not.

It's a shamrock.

Ah, Ned!

Backgammon? Chess? Cards?

I could make it interesting.

Amanda? Hmm? Play it cool.

Your boyfriend's just walked in.

Where?

ABS LAUGHS

Please don't make light of it, Abigail.

I actually feel quite violated.

Hey, good news! Hi!

The vet's had a look at Bob's bits'n'bobs... Right.

...and it turns out he was obsessed with his privates

because he needed his glands drained.

So, you are off the hook.

Oh, Mands. I'm sorry Bobby doesn't fancy you.

Yeah, that's great news,

cos frankly, it was gross, so...

I'm glad! THEY LAUGH

Good! Phew!

You OK, Anne? You all right?

Hi.

What's wrong?

I've had no end of grief since that Vantablack post.

Everyone is accusing me of being a Judas and a sell-out.

That's ridiculous.

How do they expect internet artistes to make money?

Look at the comments.

"We came here for plant pot hacks,

"and now she's trying to peddle us expensive coffee".

Well... And apparently I am "all that is wrong with society", Amanda.

Haters gonna hate, Anne.

Y'know? Yeah, well, I don't want to be hated.

So, I've gone back to my hands, my voice, and my pot plants.

OK, Anne.

I should've never have messed with the formula.

Mum!

How could you? What?

After all those talks of online safety,

and you go and flash the entire internet.

What are you talking about? That's just a Christmas cactus.

No, Mum.

Look at the pot!

Hmm? Oh, my God!

See - exactly.

You were worried about some fake bumhole

and now everyone in the world has seen my mum's tits!

FI GASPS Oh, shit.

Symmetrical.

Good for you, Anne.

Yo, Ned.

You all right, Dad? Yeah.

You want to go and hang out in the shed?

I mean, I would, but it's infested with old ladies.

MUFFLED CHATTER

All right - I'll go and have a word.

You know what? I think Felicity needs the shed more than I do.

Yeah.

All right, fine. You can have my room.

Yeah!

Thank you, Dad. I love you so much! Yeah, I love you too.

Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

Oh, it's so nice to be somewhere where the drinks are actually free.

Mm. Mummy, you know if you're ever lonely, you just have to say.

Why would you ever think I'd be lonely?

SHE LAUGHS

Mm.

Dammit! What's up, Anne?

Oh, God!

They've only gone and cancelled my appearance on Alan Titchmarsh.

Oh, Anne. Yeah.

I wish I'd never gone on that feckin' Insta.

Hey, all publicity's good publicity.

Tell that to Prince Andrew.

Right. Can we all do a selfie?

The Summer House Gang?

Yes! Oh, Mummy! Sweet, yes.

OK, where is it, where is it? OK, just a second.

OK.

Anne, your tit's out again. Oh, God!

I'm joking, Anne! I'm joking.

CAMERA SHUTTER

Ooh!

Oh, look at me! That's fantastic!

I just need some more ice.

Will you watch Bobby for me? Yep. Thanks.

BOBBY WHINES

All right, Bobby?

Ugh!

You little perv.

Still got it.