Original subtitles

Oh. my dad's here. my dad's here. He's just parking his rental car.

Got a spot on 78th. Very impressive.

Look at him. He's such a cute little parallel parker.

Oh. there's the door. Oh. he's getting out of the car.

Oh. he Asian. Okay. that's not my dad.

Look at you. Mr. Happy Boots.

I wish I got this excited when my dad came to visit me.

- Come on. your dad's great. - Yeah. in a parallel universe

where my hair is straight and so are you.

How about that time you got into Columbia and he threw you a big party?

That was your dad.

When I told my dad I got into Columbia. he said. "Yeah. well we're broke.

Now move. you're blocking 'Baretta'."

Ah. fathers. Yeah.

Mine withheld affection from me for 30 years.

Then I find out he's not really my father

and my whole life has been a big lie.

I'm sorry did I bring everybody down?

Jack. I don't know what to say. except--

- ( knocks ) - My dad's here. yeah!

- Will. - Pop!

- Hey-- - Give me that coat. come on.

- Look at you. you look great. - Thank you.

- That my sweater? - No. Grandma sent this to me

- Iast Christmas. - She took it from me.

The woman's gettin' old. Will. I'm tellin' you. she's gettin' old.

- Hello. beautiful. - Hello. George.

Hey. you workin' out?

Oh. you know. when I can fit it in.

Twice a day. six days a week.

And who looks more like Rita Hayworth every day. huh?

Oh. George. you're gonna spoil me.

- The other Rita Hayworth. - Will: Come here.

- Oh. my father is so bad. - Good to see you. sweetheart.

I'm never giving my father another Father's Day present ever again. Ever.

Grace. don't Bogart the dad. huh?

- You want something to eat? - No. no. don't bother.

I'm not hungry. Unless you got. maybe... Iike a sandwich.

- Make that two. - Yeah. you know. don't bother.

- I'll nibble. - I'll still have mine.

Sure. Jack. how about a... fat chance on rye?

Oh. I almost forgot. Here.

- Oh. Dad-- - It's nothing. it's a little something.

- Absolutely nothing. - Ah!

- I saw it. it seemed like you. - Oh...

Only smaller and flatter and fuzzier.

I love it. thank you.

The only thing my dad ever gave me was feet the size of canoes.

Hey. don't get too attached to that.

I have a coat of yours that would go perfect with it.

- Well. I must away. - Got a hot date. Jackie?

No. but the guy who's dating me does.

See. I keep telling you. Iearn from this man.

Follow him around. Do what he does.

Yeah. I'm sure you'd be very happy to see me

dancing on a box in a sequined tube top.

George. if you ever get tired of him.

you'll be exactly like me.

Chow mein.

So. George. why are you in town?

Well. the company's giving me an award for. uh...

I don't know. workin' there and not dyin'.

An award? You said it was just a business dinner.

- I wanna come. - No. no. no. don't come.

nobody's coming. Your brothers are busy.

Mom's taking care of Grandma. nobody's coming.

- Are the Burtons coming? - Yeah.

- B.J. and Chuck? - Yeah.

- Buzz and Rita and Sherman-- - Yeah. yeah. yeah. nobody's coming.

Well. I wanna come.

Don't be silly. it's already becoming a thing.

and I don't want it to blow up into a situation.

Now. if you'll excuse me. I gotta go to the john.

See that? It's classic George Truman.

He says he doesn't want me to come. but what he means is.

"I want you to come. I just don't want to put you out."

Well. my father's never invited me anywhere.

Except the time he had that lower G.I. series.

Don't think Norman Rockwell's gonna be paintin' that one.

No. no.

Hey--

we should go. you know. and surprise him.

Yes. yes.

We can go and we can hide under the table.

and when they say his name. we can jump up and go. "Surprise!"

Yeah. and then Harpo and Zeppo could bring in the dean's wife

and we'll all sail to Freedonia.

Hey. don't knock it. It was very funny when we did it in my dad's G.I. series.

( theme music playing )

Hi. poodle.

- Who's your daddy? - You are.

Who's my daddy?

Oh. that's right. some stranger in a Nixon mask

who boinked my mother at a pool party in '68.

God. that is awful.

Who in the world would have a pool party?

I don't know. it's just seeing Will with his dad.

It feels like there's something missing in my life. you know?

Like my soul is on empty.

You can go a lot of years on empty. honey. Trust me.

Come on. Charge yourself a little happy.

No. Karen. Buying something's not gonna make me feel any better.

Although the new Prada slip-on wouldn't make me feel any worse.

Hey. Jack. How you doin'?

Sad. Ionely. fatherless.

Seconds away from recording a Country album.

Karen. why are you laughing?

- He's in pain. - Oh, I know.

He's miserable. He doesn't know

who his real father is. it's terrible.

Oh. oh. oh. wait a minute. I get the joke.

Jack's all alone in the world.

Funny.

No. no. honey. you don't understand.

I found him.

- I found Jack's daddy. I did. - What?

Yeah. I had Private Detective do a little snooping around.

He was getting bored following Stan

back and forth to Krispy Kreme anyway. so...

- And it paid off. - Wait a minute.

you found Jack's father? Why didn't you tell him?

Well. honey. I'm working on a set-up here.

Tonight. Jack is gonna meet his real daddy.

Again. why didn't you tell him?

I know this may be an alien concept to you.

but it might have made another person happy.

Lord. you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing.

I am trying to create a moment here.

- Right. So tell him that-- - I'm still talking.

- All I'm saying is-- - Quit interrupting me.

- Don't yell at me. - I'm not yelling.

( yells ) Yes you are!

God. honey. I was just trying to tell you a little story.

Go.

Right now. they're both in the dark.

However. I am going to call them both and have them meet tonight

at Jack's favorite coffee shop-- very mysterious.

very. "Who am I meeting?" okay?

And then. I am going to arrive to make the big announcement.

"Jack. there's a daddy in this room.

And I'm not talking Puff." Okay?

It's so hip.

Oh. so basically you made me feel like an idiot

because you're making a father-son reunion all about you.

Honey. I think maybe it's those pink go-go boots

that are making you feel like an idiot.

Your father's gonna be so surprised.

I know.

- You look great. - Thanks. Where is he?

- Um. Will? - Huh?

You jumped into a tux. popped a Tic Tac in your mouth.

took all of five seconds. This took all afternoon.

It was like building a boat.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. you look great.

and if I had a bottle of champagne. I'd smash it over your head.

That is so sweet.

Oh God. what are you doing here?

Hi. surprise! We're here.

I know. I got that. Grace. But I told you not to come.

I know. it's your big night. We should be here.

You shouldn't be here. Go do something fun.

Go put on a sequined tube top. Dance on a box.

Dad. we're staying. And why are you acting so weird?

- It's like you're hiding something. - Of course I'm not hiding anything.

- It's just a little complicated. - Will. Ted Farmer.

- Oh. hi. - This must be your lovely wife. Grace.

It's not that complicated.

Please. I beg you. can we not get into this right now?

- You haven't-- - How are you? Good to see you.

- You haven't told them I'm gay? - Do you walk around

- telling your colleagues I'm straight? - I think it's implied.

- I begged you not to come. - But. Dad--

Okay. okay. guys. come on.

I'm sure this is nothing that can't be solved by--

me leaving.

- I can't believe this is happening. - Shh shh shh.

- Don't make a scene. - I don't make scenes.

Mom makes scenes. I don't make scenes.

Oh my God. I'm two highballs and a tight dress away from being Mom.

- You gotta understand something-- - I don't have to understand anything.

- I told you-- - Hey. Mr. Truman. Mr. Truman.

Will. you must be so proud of your father.

Oh. well proud doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling.

- So. could we borrow him for a minute? - Please. be my guest.

- I gotta-- - Yeah.

Here. I got you this. You probably just want to get out of here. right?

No. no. no. We're not going anywhere.

Oh. you saw the rack of lamb?

No. binge-o.

I want to talk to my father.

- Really? Here? - We are gonna deal with this tonight.

Wow.

Okay. So until then we're married.

I guess that explains why you haven't touched me in 15 years.

Hi. are you John Marshall?

- Yeah. are you Jack McFarland? - Last time I checked.

- Well. nice to meet you. - Yes. it's nice to meet you as well.

Any idea why we're here?

I got a call from this woman. Karen Walker.

and she said to be here at 8:00 'cause I was gonna meet someone

- who would change my life. - Wow. I got the same phone call.

And I have a feeling she's right.

We have three kids.

Hannah. Rachael and Liam.

Hannah played Queen Ester in the Purim play.

Woman: Ohh.

- Not a dry eye in shul. - Okay.

- Sweetie. Iet's dance. - I don't feel like dancing.

- They're playing our song. - Oh. they have a song.

You two are so sweet together.

- What's your secret? - I'm gay.

That's what our son says. He's funny too.

What are you doing?

Waiting for you to talk to your father.

And by the way. Dave in accounting has been giving me the eye all night.

I'm not above cheating on you.

Will. come on.

Everyone has that moment when they realize

that their parents are less than perfect.

And I hate to break it to you.

- but this is yours. - Look. I know my father. okay?

And trust me. he wouldn't do this unless he had a very good reason.

- Which is? - I don't know.

But I intend to find out.

And we are not raising the kids Jewish.

It's steady work. but you know. I wouldn't be adverse

to a change if the right opportunity came along.

Yeah. interesting. interesting. You got good arms. John. You work out?

Yeah. I try to. Like I always say. nobody likes a fatty.

Oh my God. oh my God. only my personal mantra.

Do you live alone?

Yeah. uh... Iook. can you excuse me for a minute.

- I got a quick phone call. - Okay. sure. I'll be right here. Okay.

Hurry back though. you don't want me to get cold.

Oh. oh. honey.

honey. I'm so sorry I'm late.

- Is John here? - Yes.

We met. we talked. he's fabulous.

Thank you so much. Karen. I love him.

Oh. Jack. It warms my heart to hear you say that.

Or maybe it's the gin rickey I just had in the limo.

Even on Skid Row I'm funny.

I have a really good feeling about this. Karen.

He's playing it cool. but um...

I think I might be gettin' some tonight.

What the hell are you talking about? That man is your daddy.

Not yet.

No. I mean he's your father.

What?

Yes. I had Private Detective talk to your mom

and he tracked down the guy in the Nixon mask.

John Marshall is your father.

Oh my God. you found my dad! Oh my God. I hit on my dad.

- Ew! - Ew!

- Ew! Ew! - Ew! Ew!

I need soap. I need a Handi Wipe for my brain.

Ughh!

Oh. I hit on my father. I'm Soon-Yi.

So. Jack. why don't we go someplace where we can be alone?

- Ew! - Ew!

- Ew! Ew! - Ew! Ew!

No. you don't understand. You're my daddy.

Not yet.

- Ew! Ew! - Ew! Ew!

No. In 1968 you went to a pool party.

you had a Nixon mask on. you had sex with my mother.

Wait a minute. 1968--

if we're talking about the same party. there we a lot of guys in Nixon masks.

Well. Dick was big that year.

And anyway. I'm gay.

Me too. That must be where I get it.

No. No. I mean I can't be your father because I don't have sex with women.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Not even once? - Could you?

- Ew! Ew! - Ew! Ew!

Thank you for coming.

Well. you know. since we. um... cleared the air.

- want to get a drink at Boy Bar? - I'll get us a cab.

Wait a minute. wait a minute!

Don't you find this just a little bit eepy-cray?

She is kinda right. It is weird. John. You know--

- I have tickets to the Backstreet Boys. - I'll call you later. Karen.

This damn thing-- I-- I'm supposed to go on in a minute.

So. four people have asked me where the newlyweds are registered.

I told them "International Male."

I have a feeling we're going to be getting a lot of mesh thongs.

Will. I'm sorry. it's just--

( groans )

What happened? Was it a misunderstanding

- that got out of control? - No.

Is it that you like Grace so much you wish we were married?

God. no! I mean--

I-- I like her and all that. but no.

Then tell me. because I know that you would never do something

Iike this unless you had a very good reason.

What do you want me to tell you?

You want me to tell you that this company is run

by a homophobic right-wing maniac? ls that what you want to know?

I mean. here I am coming up on my pension.

your grandmother insists on living year after year after year.

and that's not cheap.

If I lose this job. who's gonna hire a guy my age. Will? Who?

Dad. I had no idea.

Is that-- is that really true?

God. I wish it was.

Yeah. me too. What is this?

Look. it-- it's not me. Will.

There's a lot of small-minded people out there.

I just can't stand the thought of somebody judging you.

- People making judgments - All right. Dad. Dad. stop. I got it.

It's the Captain Lenny thing all over again.

What?

You don't remember Captain Lenny?

He used to introduce the cartoons on Channel 4.

I was 10, you took me on that business trip to New York

and there in the hotel bar was Captain Lenny.

drinking a beer and hitting on a waitress.

I was very upset and you said to me.

"Willy. he's not really a captain.

He's just a guy."

Oh. you're killing me here. man.

You're my dad. I love you.

You did what you thought you needed to do.

You're just a guy.

George. you're on.

Finally.

What?

What? Don't look at me like that. The girls take too long.

Aren't you gonna wash your hands?

So here he is. George Truman.

- You okay? - Yeah. I guess.

Thank you. wow.

Lifetime achievement award.

That's really an honor.

My son's gay.

Will. where are you?

- He's here! - Grace.

Hi. son.

I-- I-- I told you all that. uh...

I told you all that Will and Grace were married

and... they're not.

Will is... Will is gay.

He's a proud gay man.

And I'm...

a proud father.

Of a proud gay man.

- (applause ) - Thank God that's over.

No. no. no. I got a lot more to say.

Oh my God.

He comes into the living room. Iooks us both right in the eye.

and he says. "Mom. Dad. I'm gay.

And I want to bring my boyfriend home for Christmas."

And I said. "You couldn't give me just a necktie. Iike any other father?"

God. even when he's bad. he's good.

And then. you know-- ah. no. I'm not even going to tell you

about the time he did "Ben Hur" as a musical in the living room.

Changed the title to "Ben Him."

Will-- Will. stand up.

Yeah. yeah. stand up. Hey--

I want everyone to see you. Come on. stand up.

Come on. Will. Come on.

Will. you're--

you're here...

you're queer...

and l-- I love you. dear.

I love my gay son. everybody.

Thank you. Thanks. Pop.

- The wife is always the last to know. - Oh. stop.

( theme music playing )

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