Original subtitles

Pee. What?

It's not resent. Pee. Present. Oh, got it.

Please wake up.

Wake up, sir.

Wake up, you little son of a bitch, you shit.

I'm sorry, sir, but you had a dirty dream.

I always have sexual -oriented dreams.

My upbringing, I think.

I grew up in a family of die -hard chauvinists.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm of feminist.

And I can't allow you to undress me in your dream.

Hey, please, I need some water.

Yes, you old bitch, I'll be there in a moment.

The same dream again?

Haunted me like the Phantom of the Opera.

The Hound of the Baskervilles. Calvin Klein's obsession.

It's a healthy dream.

Welcome to Hollywood, Frank.

Why, thank you, Frank.

You're welcome, Frank.

Do you realize we just completed seven sentences full of intellectual subtext?

I'm exhausted.

Crash out, dude.

Extremely well put, Mr. Rostopovich.

Can I help you, miss?

Pardon? Where is the bathroom?

Bathroom?

First door on the left.

Thank you.

I was at the right.

federal police for infringement on his civil rights and called upon fellow

Americans to condemn further... Easy on the sweetened loaf.

There's not enough jam on the toast, Sophia.

Chilla, the coffee was too black. And not too much boat in the juice, Loretta.

What was that bit again?

I will protect my right to speak freely with my life.

They should have castrated him first and then executed him. Go on.

That'll be Alex from the studio.

How much were you grossed last night?

Good. That's good.

Fire six vice presidents. Call me in the morning.

Yes, I'm scared.

You guessed right.

No, I'm not afraid of flying.

Yes, I'm scared for my life.

I'm coming to LA to testify against the ketchup tycoon slash drug lord Rupert

Hess.

Yes, this is where I'm keeping the evidence against him.

No, I'm not stupid enough to arrive in Los Angeles carrying this with me.

Yes, please promise me protection.

No, I don't believe them.

Yes, I'll take care of myself.

No, I don't know this guy.

Sure, I have ways of finding out.

That poisonous snake.

That sleazy, lowlife informer. He must be bringing evidence against me.

Have him killed, Bruno.

Please? What?

Have him killed, please?

I want him dead!

Okay.

Look at them.

Unsuspected. Innocent. The key to my greatest scheme ever.

There's a hundred million big ones riding on those beauties.

Kill Garcia first and then pick up the girls.

Now pick up the girls first and then kill Garcia.

But if I pick up the girls first and then kill Garcia, the girls will see me

killing Garcia.

Darn. Kill Garcia first and then pick up the girls.

Great idea, boss.

Good morning, Frank.

Morning, Frank.

Sleep like a baby?

Yeah.

And I'm not the only one.

Look at the big guy. He's out cold.

you

What's amazing?

You look just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who's he work for? You

another planet.

I'm from Brooklyn. That qualifies.

Not here.

Mr. Garcia, informer against drug lord, move at pass. Please meet federal agents

of the witness protection program in the arrivals area, please. Mr. Garcia,

please.

Yes? That was him, you idiot.

Okay, Bart.

That was him, you idiot.

What's up, kid? Can't you see we're waiting for an informer?

Clear diversion to mislead us into thinking those gentlemen behind you are

assassins. Code 45A, Section 1C. Attempt to deceive a federal agent.

A prosecutable offense.

I am Garcia.

Meet me in the men's room.

I think he's gay.

The white zone in the bathroom is for unloading only.

No homosexuals.

The white zone in the bathroom... Mine's already here, Frank.

It's not your suitcase, Frank. Your suitcase isn't pink. Yes, it is. You're

making a dreadful mistake. Which can only help the plot.

My turn.

What next?

As a small boy, I had a terrible childhood, which haunts me and sometimes

me violent.

Other than that, I'm just an average guy.

Please talk.

Hey, Frank.

Yes, Frank.

It wasn't funny, Frank.

It wasn't me, Frank. My mistake, Frank. So you're going to talk?

Here we go again.

My dear.

constipated poor fellow.

Don't worry. Like they say, easy come, easy go. Very apropos, Frank.

Oh, thank you, Frank.

I'll talk.

I'm all ears.

I'm here to testify against Rupert Hess.

Duh. What's your evidence?

A very thick organizer with names, phone numbers, dates.

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

I don't have it. I got rid of it on the plane.

Some other passenger has it in his carry -on.

And the name of that passenger?

Rostopovich. I didn't hear that, Garcia.

Mr.

Rostopovich! Yes, Mr. Guggenheimer?

That wasn't me, Frank.

Who is this Rostopovich?

He's about 5 '10", brown hair, green eyes, a Capricorn, real sensitive with a

great sense of humor. Where can I find him? He's a citizen of the world,

presently on a business trip to L .A. He frequents bars, strip clubs, and four

-star hotels where single women can be approached.

Does he know about the notebook?

What notebook?

The notebook Garcia put in his carry -on unsuspected while Rostopovich was

asleep on the plane.

Nah, the man's completely oblivious.

We'll have to block all the exits.

If he doesn't cooperate, we'll have to kill him.

Thanks, Garcia.

You made my life a lot easier.

So, you're not going to kill me?

Ah, I almost forgot.

I don't smoke. I don't drink. I still can't remember nothing.

What was that name he said again?

Wasabovitz. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

You think constipation killed him?

No. It was definitely a .48 with a silencer.

You realize they know I have the crucial agenda.

You do?

You do?

You do?

You do?

I think they're going to kill you.

Positively. Well, then you better get out there. If they take you out first, I

can get away unharmed.

Thanks, Frank.

What are friends for, Frank?

The villains are looking for a man.

5 '10", brown hair, green eyes.

A Capricorn, real sensitive.

Which means these incorrect suitcases will now come in handy.

foolproof plan.

All we have to do is slip out of here completely unnoticed.

You must be with a pageant. You must be Bruno.

At your service.

May I take your luggage?

But of course.

I'm Ethel. And I'm Mirabelle.

We do makeup. And hair.

We also do body makeup.

Any of you need some work on your tan?

Well, I do.

Maybe I'll need you in the first couple of days. I don't want to come out pale

in the pictures.

I'm going to win this pageant.

I'm sure you will.

Excuse me. Is there a ladies' room?

Yes.

In the back.

You're here.

You go past the jacuzzi, after the master suite.

Make a right, then a left.

Go back about a quarter mile.

You'll be there in about ten minutes.

You're so sweet.

Maribel, sweetie, didn't you say you had to powder your nose?

What?

No, my nose is fine.

She just gets carried away sometimes.

Big

butt.

No shit.

We need to talk. My feet are killing me. My bra is too tight. Oh, personally, I

hate pantyhose. And red lipstick doesn't suit me at all. Frank. Don't wrinkle my

dress, bitch. Frank, come to your senses. You don't give a shit about the

You're not a woman.

I'm not a woman?

I'm not a woman.

Oh, thank God.

They're still there.

I'm not a woman.

Is that good or bad? We gotta get out of here. This whole thing is getting out

of hand.

Bruno. Bruno?

You know, the Arnold Schwarzenegger type.

How did you know his name?

I don't know. Are you having an affair with him? You crazy son of a bitch.

Listen to me.

Look at me.

What do you see?

Your mascara is running.

Who am I? An ugly chap who's jealous of my body. Crank.

Snap out of it.

You hurt me.

But I liked it.

Just kidding. I'm okay. Who are you? I'm Frank Guggenheimer. Thank God. Now,

listen, Frank, we came here to make it in Hollywood, act right and direct. I

know that. Now, look at us. We're up to our ass in drugs, prostitution, maybe

even assassination.

Hey, look on the bright side. You ever have so much fun being abroad?

Think how much fun you're going to have when Bruno finds out you're not and

shoots you right between the eyes.

You know what this is.

Garcia's little brown book?

That's right, and it's hot.

Names, numbers, dates of all Hess's drug activities.

Help!

Yes. Well, what is it?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

It's getting so hot back there, and I need to change into... Something more

comfortable? You got it.

Come here.

Help.

Much better.

Much, yes, much. Thanks, girl.

Bye.

What was that you were saying about getting out of here, Frank?

I don't remember anymore.

On one hand, we have real danger. The possibility of grievous bodily harm.

premature mortality.

On the other, we have ironclad evidence against the wanted drug lord.

And also ten gorgeous women.

What do you say?

We're young. We're tough. We can't quit now. For richer, for poorer. For better

or worse. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part.

I do.

So do I.

Though I ain't got a diamond, you got money.

to me

The Hess Ketchup is sponsoring the event, which has run afoul of the local

feminist groups.

This is Peter Hairnet for the Mafia News Network.

Help me. I can't see.

It's a miracle.

I can't see.

I know I've seen you

somewhere before.

Yes, you have.

You know, Vogue, Marie Claire, Harper's Bazaar, LW Magazine, you name it.

We've had our pictures taken with Brooke Shield.

Christy Brinkley. Paula Barbieri.

Claudia Shepard. Paulina Poliscova.

All the supermodels. We've done them all.

Makeup in here, that is.

Well, that explains it, I guess.

Well, of course it does, Billy. We're famous.

And you know what happens to people that fail me.

They don't get dessert.

They become off -ramp.

Before or after dessert.

That last of the poets can hang me as long as he has the book.

Find us two idiots and bring me back the book.

Maybe the guy doesn't even know he has the book.

I've seen that guy somewhere before.

Of course you have, you moron. You ran into him and the other guy.

Bet I'd recognize him again, even in disguise. Any idiot would recognize him.

I'm not just any idiot, boss.

Find him.

Bring him back to me personally.

Now, get out of here. I can turn my own pages.

and circumstance.

and looting his hair.

He has a huge mansion with a bodyguard, big screen TV, two pools and three

jacuzzis.

I survived

the fall from 30 ,000 feet and I feel better already.

I drink on the avion and I never, never mix it up on Thursday.

I didn't know you had ketchup in Iraq.

We don't. But then again, we don't have burgers either.

Hello. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Beauty. And money.

And your business.

And I love to win.

Funny. You don't sound Latin at all.

I'm not.

I'm from Pacoima.

The hunter and tourist office is paying me to do this.

But what I really want to do is ask if you could say I'm an aspiring bimbo.

How many did you have?

None.

I'm still a virgin.

Time to go to bed.

Mr. Hess will expect to see you at his mansion tomorrow morning early.

He has turned over his guest house for your training and preparation, and he

will personally choose the ones he wants to date.

And if you're thinking about going out without his permission, it won't fly.

You're restricted to your rooms, and there's a guard in every corridor. Now

break it up.

Ladies and gentlemen. Just ladies.

Just ladies.

My pleasure to introduce to you our... Host.

Host. Mr. Rupert... I know that.

Mr. Rupert Hess.

I want to welcome you all to the Hess Ketchup First Annual International

Pageant. You are all so beautiful. So lovely.

So sophisticated.

But only a few of you will win.

And those who win will travel.

We'll send you to exotic places to claim even more prizes, more cash, more

awards, and more honor for this, our great country.

First -class trips to Bogota, Catarina, Haiti, Bolivia, and, of course, the

Middle East.

Treats unprecedented in beauty contests. And, of course...

The grand prize, 50 ,000 in going to cash.

And now, ladies, I have a very important meeting with the local mafia. But I

assure you, in the next couple of days, we'll get to know each other very well

personally. There'll be lunches, dinners, nights in the town.

There'll be clubs, discos, bars, the best restaurants.

There's swimming in the jacuzzi.

There'll be the... You want it?

Forget it.

Frank.

Frank. You look pretty strange.

Why? What's wrong with me?

Stop staring at that guy. Are you crazy?

I'm not staring at him. He's staring at me.

I'm Rupert Hatch.

Charmed. I couldn't help watching you from a distance. I find you captivating,

fascinating, different, and so unusually fully dressed.

I'm only the makeup girl.

I'm a Pisces. Would you like to have fish with me? Is this a... Yes, an

invitation to dinner.

I'll pick you up, say, six -ish.

Six -ish, then.

I'm Mirabelle.

You're ugly.

If you want to have dinner with her, she's yours.

Thank you very much.

What am I, a chopped liver?

fucking mind.

You're jealous.

Jealous my ass. You're going out to dinner with a mobster dressed as a girl.

didn't say he was going to dress as a girl. Don't get cute with me, Frank.

damn clothes have started to change your personality.

You're becoming Ethel. I don't have to stand here and let you insult me. Oh,

What are you gonna do?

Powder my nose, Frank.

Listen to me. We are not women.

We're men in drag.

We did it out of desperation, following a twisted plot, and it's gotta end now.

Out of these dresses, we're burning these wigs, we're going back to what

us here in the first place.

Right now, the combination of danger and sex appeals to me more than money. The

hotel is paid for.

There's ten gorgeous half and or fully naked women for the taking.

And I'm not walking away from paradise until either I'm dead or fully

May I remind you that the former is a more than distinct possibility with a

ruthless drug lord.

Rupert! Oh, he's a pussycat.

Will you stop it? Bruno's already killed one man in cold blood.

He may already be wracked by guilt.

Bruno doesn't feel any guilt because he doesn't have a brain.

And when Rupert finds out we're not who he thinks we are, we end up in some

freeway off -ramp. I say we make a run for it.

I can't do that, Frank.

Why the hell not, Frank?

I have a date tonight.

Well, don't expect me to play bridesmaid. I'm getting out of here.

Maribel!

I call this meeting because, as you know, business is not exactly booming.

Elections are down, illegal gambling is off, and the protection racket is not

performing. All because your old geezers are not up to the job.

Forget it, Miriam. I'm not listening to any of your excuses about weak kidneys,

flipped discs, and arthritis.

I've heard it all before, and to be honest, to me it sounds like sheer

negativism.

with Mr. Rupert Hess.

Fuck. Never on the first date.

I can do it.

Oh, no

problem, Frank.

Go ahead.

Take a nap. Stand Rupert up.

Get him pissed. Have us both killed.

Shut up.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I'll jump in the shower, put some makeup on.

You feel like a brand -new woman in no time.

My roommate was using our tub, so I thought I might borrow yours.

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on in and share while the water's still warm.

I can't do that. Don't tell me you're shy.

We're girls, after all.

Come on, Ethel.

I'm straight.

Just take your clothes off and jump in.

I've never shared a tub with another person.

You see, I never had a boyfriend.

I'm sort of a loner, I guess.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Pretty girl like you.

Girl,

you're pecking more than you need, aren't you?

Aren't you, Frank?

Okay, okay, what do you want from me?

What do you have to offer? My body.

Lousy bargain.

I look better without the dread.

Cut to the chase, Ethel. Call me Frank, Misty. The name's Joanne Frank. I'm a

narc. That's spelled F -B -I.

All these years of training to make this body perfect and seduce pets.

And what happens?

I get beaten out by a guy in drag.

Guess I've got that certain je ne sais quoi.

Sure you do, Frank.

That's why you, me, and your friend Maribel, we girls are going to work

and put Rupert out of business.

Get a promotion.

A raise, even.

Get a life.

Hey, I'm not with the FBI. I'm talking about me, Frank. You and the other Frank

will do the legwork.

Pardon the expression.

And I'll collect the benefit.

What if I refuse?

Nice try, Frank.

Think I got to be an agent by accident?

I'll tell you why not.

Work with me, you little shit, or you're dead.

Get it?

Dead. Point made.

What do you want me to do? You will go to dinner with Ruby.

You will go back home to his mansion.

And you will seduce him.

Seduced him? I just said that.

Seduced him? Frank, you're repeating yourself. You're not making any sense.

Okay, let's go.

Wait a minute. What about Grace Jones out there?

Think I don't already have that figured out?

Hey, Sam!

Hi, Misty. Hi, Sam.

All clear if you want to see the chief.

Thanks. Catch you later. Bye.

See you, Frank.

Later, Frank.

Here's the deal.

See those?

They call them elevators.

Not this one. How do you know?

Off we go up

into the wild.

We're picking up the teeth.

33rd floor.

There's no 33rd floor.

No, Chief, either. Hit 32, pal.

32.

Would you take 31?

Got a light? Sure, Chief.

Thanks, but now I'm on duty.

Hello, boys.

Or should I say, hello, girls.

Garcia, it's amazing you're alive.

No, name's not Garcia.

And yes, I'm alive.

Oh, that, yeah.

I got shot point blank. That's right.

Bulletproof vest.

What the hell is that for? This is supposed to be an express elevator.

No stops.

You just shot a little old lady. Yes, I did.

That wasn't a little old lady. Rupert's spies are all around.

Word gets out I'm alive.

Might as well kiss the plan goodbye.

Now listen, Garcia.

Gesundheim. I didn't sneeze.

No, his name's not Garcia. It's Gesundheim.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

But that book I placed on you, it was a phony.

One that has to think we had the goods on him.

Yes, it is an ingenious plan.

No, I still can't arrest him. Got a payroll a mile long.

Cops, judges, the mayor, city council, garbage men, senior citizens, even the

goddamn illegal aliens.

You name them, they're all on the take.

The overhead will kill him.

No, I'd rather kill him myself.

No, I can't get my hands on him legally.

And yes.

You will help me. No, we won't. And yet, you're crazy. You don't have a choice.

We know who you are. We got hold of all your unpaid parking tickets in six

states. We also know that you are aspiring actor.

What we really want to do is write and direct.

You'll never work in this town again unless you go along with my plan.

What do you want from us?

Let's go have a bite.

I've got a free breakfast.

It's up to 5 .30.

Now you understand why it's free.

Well, don't just stand there, Ethel. Come on.

You look ravishing.

You're very handsome yourself, Mr. Head.

So, where are we going tonight?

I will fly you to the moon, Ethel. Oh, my.

I thought we were going to your house for dinner. No, no, no. I prepared

something rather exclusive.

By the way, it's a mansion, not a house.

Sorry.

Why three helicopters, Rupert? You must be wondering.

Why three helicopters, Rupert? You read my mind.

Decoys. If anybody gets any ideas, they wonder who to shoot down first.

You like roller coasters, Ethel?

They make me dizzy. I lose control.

Good!

Fucking real ecstasy, Ethel. Real orgasmic.

Yes, Rupert? You see all this?

Yes, Rupert.

All mine.

This building over there?

Mine.

That other one?

Mine. I own the biggest buildings in town.

Like they say, Rupert, a man's building is an extension of his farfinugin.

Ethel, you're so intelligent, so sharp, so... Take your hand off my knee,

Rupert. Thank you.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Hess.

New girlfriend?

Yes, another one.

We're really just acquaintances.

The usual?

Please.

And what about you, slut?

Crystal, please.

Oh, that's a first. A slut with good taste.

a rude woman.

Camille? She's a putz.

Enough about her. Let's talk about us.

So, what'll it be, my man?

Black Russian?

No, I just have sort of a tan.

What would you like?

Uh, Bud Light. Got it.

Do I know you?

Quite a gentleman, Frank.

I don't think so.

Why?

I got a really lousy memory. I always ask people if I know them.

You look familiar.

You sure we haven't met before?

Oh, I'm positive.

I'm AB negative.

Hey, this is empty.

Why do you think they call it light?

So, Bruno, you kill anybody today?

Nah, pretty quiet.

The usual?

Yeah.

No, thanks. I'm trying to cut down.

And now let's talk about you.

Me? Yes, about you. You exude wit, charm, class.

I'm fascinated by you for some unexplained reason as a kind of...

charisma about you that makes me forget all my good taste and very high

aesthetic sensibilities.

I would walk to the ends of the earth for a girl like you.

So what do you say, Ethel? You want to go back to the mansion and have sex with

me? Oh, I don't know, Rupert. You're so fierce.

I need time.

I need to get to know you.

what it is about you, but I like you.

I feel I know you.

I'll tell you what.

Let's be buddies.

Let's have some fun. What do you say?

Not a good idea, Frank.

I don't think so.

Good.

Drinks are on me, Smiley.

Can you do me a favor, Rupert?

Anything, Esther.

Helicopter, turn me off. Let's take your car.

Of course.

By the way, it's not a car.

It's a limo.

Sorry.

No, Rupert, don't. You overwhelm little girls. Throw them off balance.

I need a little romance.

Romance? You want romance?

I'll give you romance.

Driver, pull over.

Good evening, sir.

Excuse me, my good man. I'll take all the flowers you have.

Now I want all your money, motherfucker.

Don't hurt me.

I'll give you anything you want. My money, my credit cards, the car, her.

me out of this.

Okay, I'll take the money and the credit cards. You can keep the car. Too big,

lousy on gas mileage.

But this little bitch is mine.

What?

Frank, I don't usually have this much fun.

My social life stinks.

Got a few problems, know what I mean?

Like these guys I got to kill.

One of them's about your height, same eyes, same hair.

Frankly, looks like you.

The other guy I don't remember too good because he had this camera in front of

his face.

My boss says if I don't get them, he'll get me.

Problem is, I don't know where they are.

So look at me.

Look at him, Frank.

Do I look like a dead man to you?

Damn right I'm not. Know why?

Because tomorrow I'm going to Mexico with a bunch of bimbos for a major drug

deal. And it splits, Bill, for yours truly.

A place where Rupert Hess can never find me and I can live happily ever after.

You're doing the right thing, Bruno.

be all, sir.

No, that would not be all. I'm paying you good money, so stay in the car until

you die.

I'm sure you'll understand why I bring you straight to the guesthouse, Heather.

The mansion is a total mess, let alone that my wife would divorce me and take

all my money if she saw me with you.

Your wife?

Oh, what a kid.

a wonderful evening. Good night.

Ethel. Yes, Rupert?

I'll be Frank.

No, I'll be Frank.

Such a kidder.

Ethel. Yes, Rupert? I want you to know I feel like we know each other for a long

time.

There's something about you I can't put my finger on it. You wouldn't want to do

that. You're not like the other girls.

Well, that's true.

You're strong.

Will you handle that little crisis tonight, the way your body feels?

So well built and yet so, so feminine.

I don't want you to rush into anything you don't want to do.

So I'll give you ten minutes to shower and slip into something more

I'm a sucker for tough broads.

Pretty kinky, huh?

Here's your mail accessories.

How'd it go?

Fine, Sam.

You sure you want to go through with this?

I have a job to do and I'll do it.

For Misty.

For the agency.

And for America.

But mainly for me. I haven't had a man in such a long time.

Has it been ten minutes already?

I wanted to surprise you.

Naughty boy.

Count to 3 ,000, then come in.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

I cheated.

It's time to meet Long Dong Silver.

Oh, fuck.

Rupee's here.

Oh,

yes. Oh, those muscles.

You're a big bad mama.

Little Rupert wants big bad mama to spank him.

Spank little Rupert.

I have voice recognition silly Ready

Frank, meet Ramirez.

Ramirez, Frank.

Ramirez, Frank.

Frank, Ramirez. Ramirez, he couldn't make it. I am Gonzales.

I can't believe it.

Months of planning that operation and that goon Bruno goes and spills his guts

to him in a cheap strip joint.

Well, make me feel sleazy, why don't you? I wouldn't call it cheap.

Backy, maybe.

What now?

Ride too rough for you?

My tooth!

It's killing me.

Transplant decoy to weasel out. We've got a rendezvous to make.

They'll hear us miles away. We better drop them off. Or find a dentist.

Where are we going to find a dentist out here?

Mi cuñado.

My brother -in -law. He's the dentist.

What kind of dentist?

Beggars can't be choosers. Hit it, Ramirez.

Remember, I'm Gonzales.

Senor, you have a severe eyesight problem. I'm going to have to give you a

prescription for a pair of glasses.

There's nothing wrong with my eyesight. It's my tooth that's killing me. I know.

It is my professional opinion that you have a bad tooth.

I know that. Which one?

That one, senor.

What can you do about it? Well, I can give you a filling for $25.

Or I can give you a root canal for $100.

That's it. You need a root canal.

A hundred dollars? Are you out of your mind?

Si, senor, but that's not the question here.

It's outrageous.

I'm not paying more than $30.

$60. $35.

$55.

That hurt, senor? Yes.

All right.

$50. I don't have the cash.

It's all right. I take American Express.

Now take two strong drags, senor.

Two big ones.

I'll give you these free.

When the pain comes, you just inhale.

Good deal.

Rupert's planning to take delivery of this shipment personally.

The question is, how big is the shipment?

How big?

Mind your own business, Gonzales.

The other question is, how is he planning to smuggle it back into the

How? Gonzales, shut up and drive.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

Walk you expect me to walk I'm not even getting paid for this

This is it.

We're about 60 million, we hear.

Strange. What?

I don't see Rupert anywhere.

That is strange.

Maybe he's on the plane.

Or maybe he's right behind you.

Nah, couldn't be.

Yes, it could.

No, it couldn't. Could too.

Whose voice is that?

Not mine. Or mine.

Gonzales?

You a ventriloquist or something?

Thank God.

I thought it was hallucinating.

Thank you, Gonzales.

Here's your money. Gracias, hombre.

I don't need to count it. I trust you.

Gonzalez, you slimeball.

You'll pay for this.

Si, señorita.

Home loan, car payment, put my kids to college.

Drop your weapons.

As they say in my country, I bet that means two birds with one stone in

Your linguistic skills won't be enough to save you, Mr. Guggenheimer.

Search them.

Get your hands off me!

Don't touch me!

Why do you look so familiar to me? What about me?

Don't I look familiar?

You look ugly, but Mr. Guggenheim is very, very familiar.

I just can't put my finger on it.

Good job, boy.

What a waste of a good body to be working for the Federal Bureau of

Incompetence. You won't get away with this, Hess.

How old are you, my dear?

Twenty -five next month?

I'm afraid we'll have to sing happy birthday now, as you won't be around

month.

Boys.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birth...

There's no trail, no evidence. You'll have to nail me in a cheap technicality

like a pawn.

Put them on the plane.

I personally will fly you to 10 ,000 feet and drop you off, so to speak.

Have a nice flight.

By the way, your gas was way off.

I'm hurt. The street value of this cocaine was 110 million.

mind pointing those things somewhere besides my face?

One of them might go off.

It shoots you anyway.

Oh, that's not what Mr. Head says. He says we're getting dropped into the

from 10 ,000 feet.

Isn't that right, gang?

Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

If we ever get out of this, I'll make it up to you guys.

I think I know a way.

laughing gas the dentist gave me? Of course.

Brilliant. When I say now, take a deep breath and hold it.

I'm alive!

I'm alive!

All I have to do is find the cellular phone.

Right? Nothing can go wrong now.

We gotta land this thing.

No shit, Jose.

Except for the fact that we don't know how we're out of gas.

Why are you always so hung up on details?

Misty, did the two bums cooperate?

The two bums are sitting right next to me, and yes, they did cooperate. I

couldn't have done it without them. Thank you, thank you. It was nothing,

really. You know, you all amazed me.

You uncovered Rupert's plan. You followed him to the Caribbean. You found

loading $100 million worth of cocaine onto a plane. You got shoved around by a

bunch of Colombian thugs. Cut to the chase, Chief. We know all that. To make

long story short, you managed to get rid of the thugs. You landed the plane, and

you... delivered to the authority.

260 pounds of pure... powdered sugar.

Funny, Chief.

What a kidder. This is powdered sugar.

He isn't kidding. It's powdered sugar, all right.

Which brings us to a dead end for this investigation as a single question looms

towards us.

Go away. We'll be back.

Damn, they have all these commercials.

The Bureau must be desperate.

Did I hear right?

You said you got rid of the thugs. So?

He didn't mention Rupert.

We got rid of Rupert, right? Yes, sir. He went down like a bullet.

This is a sad day for the Bureau.

We lost our only chance.

Put Rupert away.

Not so fast, Chief. Rupert took a dive from 20 ,000 feet and no parachute.

That lake full of alligators broke his fall.

How come he wasn't eaten alive?

Would you eat a German?

Chief, before you go, Rupert can only trick us once.

That powdered sugar gag was clever, but we will find the cocaine, and we will

put him away for good.

You'd better.

My retirement plan depends on it.

I'm supposed to surrender my badge next week and start a bone sex 900 service.

Do your best.

We will, Chief.

A great man, a great agent.

30 years with the force and he's giving it all up for the good, clean, quiet

life.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ula Shigula, Miss Young Yugoslavia.

Monique Perrier, Miss Fiery France.

Maria Conchita Alvarez, Miss Bodacious Bolivia.

Briga Goulash, Miss Hungry Hungry.

Dorota Krakova, Miss Polluted Poland.

Simone Linguini, Miss Idyllic Italy.

Marcia Marciano, Miss Horny Honduras.

Rosanne Castaneda, Miss Spanking Spain.

Lily Vanili Hussein, Miss Airet Iraq.

And last but not least, Marikita Del Castro El Pidal, Miss Corvaceous Cuba.

Unfortunately, we seem to be missing our very own reception.

But, as they say in my country, the shoulders must go on it.

Thank you, ladies.

I will discuss this with myself and will come up with the results later.

You can go in, slut.

Thank you, Eric, so much.

The boss may be pleased.

Well, look for evidence.

Check every room.

I absolutely refuse to believe bodies like this exist in real life. Freeze!

I've done that already.

Okay. Right now, now put your head over your hands.

Or is it the other way around?

Definitely the other way around.

See? Okay. Okay, now drop your gun.

You drop your gun.

No, you drop your gun.

No, you drop your gun.

I work for the Bolivian government.

Drop your gun.

Everybody drop your gun.

Hey, Bruno, good to see you, guy. Not good for you, moron.

I ain't working for Rupert anymore. What do you mean? You quit?

I'm a born -again Christian now.

There's too much brutality on the streets.

Too much domestic violence.

Too much gratuitous sex.

I've decided to help society and put a stop to all of the above.

This is a handgun destined to defend law and order. I will not confiscate it.

Thank you. Use it wisely.

Do not hurt the innocent.

I won't. Your shining example is an inspiration to all agents.

Frank, too. Bruno, you didn't go to Mexico after all.

Changed my mind. I'm not really the marrying type.

You saved me from sin.

I owe you my soul, my very existence.

Let's not exaggerate.

Do your duty.

Apprehend Rupert. I'll testify.

I've got my own witness protection program.

I've rounded up the guards and put them in a room where they're watching Oprah.

I'll take these people, then watch Geraldo while you're taking care of

I'll talk to the chief and recommend a pardon.

Let's go, Frank. Ethel needs us.

Miss Bolivia?

Or should I say, Agent Maria Conchita Alvarez, Fernando Guava, Santa Maria

Valenzuela, Del Conerman, Tres Santos, Cerritos, El Pantrosa. Just call me

Maria. Okay.

People.

Hello, Rupert.

Ethel. I thought... You thought I ran.

This has nothing to do with I ran.

I thought you disappeared.

Ethel, let me introduce you to my wife.

Your wife?

Of course. It's good for PR.

And me, Rupert. What was I, a passing fling? Are you two romantically

More or less.

More and less.

I must admit, I have a mad crush on Ethel.

Well, Rupert, in that case, I want a divorce.

I'll take all your money, the house, the plane, the boat, the condo in Palm

Springs, the SL500 in the Porsche, the big screen TV, and the beach house in

Malibu.

Ethel, if I divorce her, will you marry me? I can't marry you, Rupert.

The FBI says you're a drug lord.

What's wrong with the title?

They also say you've just lost $100 million worth of cocaine.

Win some, lose some. I still have enough to buy you a wonderful life.

Cocaine, which turned out to be nothing but powdered sugar.

It was?

Very amusing for the Colombians. But then I paid them in counterfeit money.

Gesundheit. Oh, you recognize me, Hess.

Gesundheit.

Thanks again.

You're under arrest.

For what crime, may I ask?

Illegal drug trafficking.

Manufacture of phony currency.

Conspiracy to sell ten young ladies into the Middle East slave trade. And

wearing such a ridiculous tuxedo. Let me introduce you to some very important

people, Mr. Gesundheim.

This is my attorney, Mr. Herskovitz of Herskovitz and Herskovitz. $3 .75 an

hour. Pleasure.

For you, perhaps?

This is my other attorney, Mr. Vombulo of Bulombulo.

$4 .65 an hour.

Pleasure. And these other people, all of them are my other attorneys, ranging

from $2 .75 to $500 an hour.

Do you think you can make this stick in court?

You have no witnesses.

You have no evidence.

You have no confession!

And even if you did, it would have been obtained under duress.

You have no such warrant.

And having no warrant, you are here illegally and trespassing on private

property. All your claims are therefore null, end, or void.

Void? Yeah, void.

He means void.

All of the above without prejudice to our client's rights and remedies that

Fills you with a brew for $10 million.

Plus reasonable attorney's fees and legal expenses.

Rupert, I think this is disgusting.

You're knee -high in crime, divorce, and lawyers.

I'm leaving you forever.

Ethel, Ethel, come back.

Leave me alone, Rupert.

What a woman. What a dynamite female.

Attention all units. I'm in pursuit of suspect chasing a male prostitute in a

stolen car.

Gonna get the hunky too.

Make me.

Hey, bro.

Who went? Get the horse.

Ethel, don't be silly.

Don't throw away such a magnificent opportunity.

It's all over, Rupert.

Marry me, Ethel.

I can't marry you. Rupert, there's so many things you don't know about me. I

don't care. I still want you to marry me. Well, then take a good look.

Step out of the car, please.

Yeah.

I'm cool. I'm cool, brother. Hey, my man, don't give me that look. I'm with

baby. We got to fight the man, you know? We got to do the right thing. You know

what I'm saying? Fight the power.

Give me five.

Give it to me.

Good work, Mr. Guggenheimer. Thank you, Mr. Stavovitz. Like Rupert said, we

could only get him on a technicality.

Hess, released on a technicality, is suing the LAPD for $165 million.

The LAPD claim they've already grossed $172 million.

Jury selection for the trial begins next week in Kazakhstan.

Oui, Jacob Roth.

Merci.

What's with all this fog?

It's not fog.

It's smog. You're in L .A.

Hope this won't be a problem for Miss Jane Gesundheim.

They just left.

They've only got half an hour to make their plane.

Traffic must have been white.

Who are you guys?

Frank. Do I know you?

Come on, Frank. It's me, Misty.

Oh, no, it's not. Oh, yes, it is.

Who the hell are you?

Gesundheim. Thanks, but I didn't sneeze.

Frank, it really is me, Misty.

Or Joanne, if you want.

You sure don't look it.

That's because I'm not undercover anymore.

You mean... Yes, you guessed right.

This is how we look in real life.

The faces you used to know.

Yes, you guessed right.

The disguise of the Bureau of Design is for us.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Maybe we'll meet again, Frank.

I don't think so.

I'm going to pursue my acting career.

But last night we... Last night we said a great deal of foolish things.

You're getting on that plane. You go where you belong.

The problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this

crazy world.

If you ever get to Washington, call me.

Okay, I'll give you a ring.

I hope it's a diamond.

I feel sorry for them.

They couldn't even afford a decent airline.

This is post -Cenuno -America, Frank.

Shut up, Sam.

Okay.

With all due respect, the sentiment and emotion, how much did we get for the

film rights, Mr. Estopovitz? One million, Mr. Guggenheimer.

How much for the book rights?

$750 ,000.

You get to produce.

And you get to direct.

I love L .A.

Frank, something tells me this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And that is the naked truth.

I want to be loved by you.

By you and nobody else but you.

Work with me, you little fumble, or you're dead.

Got it.

It didn't go down?

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

Would you give it?

And conspiracy to sell 10 young ladies into the Middle East drug trade. No,

shit.

You are here illegally and trespassing on private property.

And the beach house in Malibu.

We have a severe eye...

eye... eye fright.

God.

First off, Jake.

Can't you see we're waiting for an informer?

Ladies and gentlemen, we get off the plane on the left side of the... Shit!

Black Russian?

No, I'm just sort of tan.

I'm in pursuit of suspect, chasing him.

You're not going to shoot the harmonica play again tonight, are you, Mr. Head?

First class passengers will disembark after the plane has landed.

Give me the Grape -A -Bot!

That could keep me from slipping at once.

Come from all around the world Just to get a glimpse of me when I dance