All language subtitles for Monty Python Almost The Truth 5

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And now, a short introduction
from the producers' legal representative,

Mr Abe Appenheimer.

Hello, and welcome to this documentary

containing new and exclusive interviews

with the five surviving members
of Monty Python.

The producers wish to make it clear
that any opinions expressed herein

are those of the individuals speaking
and hold no truth whatsoever.

Pursuant, therefore, to clause 4.6

of the Broadcasting, Video,
Television Act, 1989,

subsection 4, 3 and 2, clause...

..subject to clause 4.123,

no viewer or watcher may copy, repeat,
impersonate, mime,

either contextually or noncontextually,

any material whatsoever,
in any public place

such as a street, pub, club, hotel,
oil rig, Baptist church...

Python

l'm so fucking sick of Monty Python

And this damn documentary

lt just ain't what it's meant to be

And if you're still bloody watching

Why don't you get a life?

Six sodding hours of Python

l can't sing any more about Python

There must be life after Python

No more, no more

Monty, Monty, bloody, fucking, fucking...

And they weren't that funny anyway!

And the bezan
shall be huge and black,

and the eyes thereof red
with the blood of living creatures,

and the whore of Babylon shall
ride forth on a three-headed serpent,

and throughout the lands,
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.

lt was at the opening
of Holy Grail in New York

and there was a question
from a journalist, he said,

''So, what's your next movie?''

and l said,
Jesus Christ - Lust for Glory.

And there was laughter.

And then, a few months later, we went
off to open the movie in Amsterdam...

And we were all on
a little pub crawl that evening,

all except for John, who scarpered off,
l don't know what became of him.

But Eric was talking...
Because Eric has always got...

Eric is a forward thinker,

and that's when he came up
with Jesus Christ - Lust for Glory.

l fell off the stool l was on.
lt was just brilliant.

So, you're astrologers, are you?

Well, what is he, then?

What star sign is he?

Capricorn.

Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Well, he is the son of God,
our Messiah.

King of the Jews.

And that's Capricorn, is it?

No, no, that's just him.

l was going to say,
otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

We did a series of
very blasphemous jokes about...

Loved the idea
that Christ was a carpenter,

but it was very bad joinery
and it kept falling over.

''No, you need to put a 2x4 divot...
Just... No! Wedge it. Yeah.''

''Fuck! Just get this...''

That was a whole riff we did.

lt was like, ''Well, we can't...
This can't possibly be it.''

We went back and there was
a Chinese restaurant meeting

where l think people did then start
to take the concept seriously, saying,

''Wait a minute. Nobody's ever done
a comedy set in biblical times.''

lt really felt like
we were a group again.

Everybody was there
and ideas were flowing fast.

Everybody had done
an incredible amount of research.

So we watched all these terrible
biblical films with Charlton Heston,

''And surely this man
is the Son of God.''

All these sort of things.

''Yonder lies the castle of my father.''

There were all these
awful Hollywood films.

We realised, that's the target, really,
the portrayal.

And so then we spent three weeks
reading the Bible,

and reading the Dead Sea Scrolls,
doing research into what people believe,

what really happened, what was history,
what was made up in the 13th century.

And we began to write things
like the stoning scene,

just to kind of get a feeling,
to create an atmosphere.

We didn't know what
the story was going to be.

And in all our reading,
in all our thoughts

we read about the fact that
at that period in Palestine,

there was a Messiah fever,

everyone was looking
for the new Messiah.

We worship you,
O Brian, who are Lord over us all.

Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord our Father.

Amen.

- Do you do a lot of this, then?
- What?

- This praising.
- No, no, no.

Well, if you're dropping by again,
do pop in.

And thanks a lot
for the gold and frankincense,

but don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time. All right?

Thank you. Goodbye.

Well, weren't they nice?
Out of their bloody minds, but still.

Look at that!

Here! Here! Here, that's...

that's mine, you gave me that!

Although we could never probably
have agreed for a moment

on what religion was or should be,

we could certainly all agree
on what it wasn't.

And because humour
is basically always critical,

that was why there was
a cohesion of viewpoint there.

And so once we had taken on religion
and the Bible story as the subject,

l think we knew
we were on delicate ground,

and certain people were going to get
very offended if we didn't do it properly.

We went to Barbados

and spent two weeks together,
working on the script.

l was on holiday in Barbados
and they wanted to go back to London

and l thought, ''No, come to Barbados.''

And we rented this huge, brilliant mansion
on the beach, and we wrote there.

lt was very efficient.

No wives, no Cleese answering the phone,
''l've got to do a commercial on Tuesday.''

None of that.

All l remember is, we were
in the tree house, this great villa,

and l thought it was the height of luxury,
and Python getting together...

Keith Moon came to play with us.

He was like a little boy,
waiting for us to finish writing.

''You going to come and swim now?''
''All right, we'll be with you in a minute.''

And then he'd play
Scrabble with us in the evening.

Cleese and Chapman would put down
words like ''abracadabra'' and ''sortifact''

and Keith would put ''cat''
and play happily along.

lt was really great.

l think early decisions were taken
which were actually quite brave.

There were some wonderful sketches.

John and Graham came up with
something about the Last Supper

where Jesus is going in,
trying to book the restaurant.

''You want to book for the Last Supper?

''Thirteen? No, we can do you
one of six and one of seven.''

Perhaps put them round...
''We all need to be on the same side.''

''Well, that's going to make it very difficult.''
Great stuff.

l remember
it didn't seem right at the time.

That it... The humour wasn't...
it wasn't really about Jesus, really.

lt was all about pushing tables together.

l just remember us talking about it.

l don't think anybody
ever sat down and wrote it.

Because what used to happen,
at the beginning,

we always had a couple of days
when we got together and had ideas.

And then people went off
and never wrote those ideas

because they didn't feel fresh any more.

And then the other one was that JC has
just given the Sermon on the Mount.

All the disciples have their notes,

''Keep the thing about the leper.
That was very good.

''Lose the whole thing about the camel
and the big head.''

Doing it like a Frost Report
with notes from the writers.

l loved that concept,
but that fell by the wayside.

We thought at the time,
God, it made us laugh,

but we thought, ''Hang on, this is...

''We've got to decide how
we deal with the character of Jesus.

''Do we make jokes about Jesus

''or do we have Jesus in the film

''but make the jokes
somehow separate from him?''

The interesting thing was,

we found out that Jesus Christ
was not pervious to comedy.

There's nothing he says
that you can laugh at.

Look after the poor,
the meek, the sick.

Well, that's not...
''He said, 'Look after the meek!'''

We got near it, but not...

Nobody ever mocks what's said
in the Sermon on the Mount.

We wanted to focus on what was funny.

What is funny isn't what Jesus says,

it's about
how people misinterpret that.

What was that?

l don't know.
l was talking to Big Nose.

l think it was,
''Blessed are the cheese makers.''

What's so special
about the cheese makers?

lt's not meant to be taken literally.

lt refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.

lts intention was kind.
ln fact, it really was getting at the people

that we really thought
must have bugged Christ.

People who constantly got
the message wrong.

Hear that?
''Blessed are the Greek.''

The Greek?

Apparently,
he's going to inherit the earth.

Did anyone catch his name?

The more blasphemous things
got filtered out,

and rightly so, l think,
and then it found its target.

l'm a great fan of
Henri Bergson's theory of humour,

which is about inflexibility.

And the point about Jesus Christ,
he would not have been inflexible,

he would have been infinitely flexible
because he would have had no ego.

lt's the ego that makes us flexible,

and that's what we tend to laugh at
in character comedy.

That is why some nice sketches about
sort of Jesus sort of...

as l say, booking the restaurant,
things like that, weren't suitable,

and we realised, well, you've got to make
the comedy work besides Jesus.

Jesus has got to be there,

but he has got to be shown
to be an historical figure,

not sent-up, not joked about,

he appears, as he does
at the birth in the film

and on the Sermon on the Mount.

lt's the meek.
Blessed are the meek.

Oh, that's nice, innit?

l'm glad they're getting something
cos they have a hell of a time.

An idea that we had
at the very start,

which l almost felt sad
that we dropped, it didn't work,

was that Brian was the 13th disciple

but he was married
to a slightly difficult woman

and could never get away
at the crucial moment.

He was going to be
at the Last Supper,

but his wife had friends coming,
so he couldn't get away,

but he was going to go on
to the Garden of Gethsemane

but he went to the nightclub
called the Garden of Gethsemane,

he missed the actual garden.

So he kept missing
what was going on in Christ's life.

l remember being very, very favourably
disposed towards that idea.

But it didn't hold water.

So then, whoever it was
or however it was,

the idea of having
an alternative person

who lived exactly the same life
at the same time, but wasn't Jesus,

but was this Messiah
who got put upon all the time, came up,

and that was the key thing.

What is the secret of eternal life?

He won't say!

Course not. lf l knew the secret
of eternal life, l wouldn't say.

- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please!

Tell us, master. We were here first.

- Five!
- Just go away!

l can't go above five.

- ls that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.

- This is his gourd.
- Ten!

lt is his gourd.
We will carry it for you, master.

Master?

He's gone! He's been taken up!

- He has been taken up!
- Eighteen!

No, there he is!

lt was a very inspiring moment
because you felt

the script was growing and blossoming
into something that was real,

something that was
talking about something.

We read out some very good material
about what was going on at the time.

On the very last day of the month
of writing that we'd all put aside,

Michael came and read out the
Pontius Pilate talking to the crowd sketch.

To pwove our fwiendship,

it is customawy at this time to welease
a wongdoer fwom our pwisons.

Whom would you have me welease?

Welease Woger!

Yes! Welease Woger!
Welease Woger!

And, at that moment,
l saw that we had a movie.

l suddenly began to see,
''That's a huge chunk in the jigsaw.

''Now l begin to get some idea
of what the story might be like.''

- Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!
- Oh, no. Oh.

Ah. Good idea, Biggus.

Thitizenth!

We have Thamthon
the Thadduthee Thtrangler,

Thilath the Athyrian Athathin,
theveral theditiouth thcribeth...

We wrote The Life Of Brian
in Barbados,

and on the island also

was a guy who worked for EMl.

Barry Spikings, who was joint
managing director of EMl at the time,

had a house in Barbados.

l kept saying,
''He won't like it. He won't like it.''

Finally l said, ''All right,
l'll let you have a look at it.''

He read it
and he fell out of bed laughing.

He called me two days later
and he says,

''We've got to make this film.
Meet with me on Saturday morning.''

And...

l went to his house
on Saturday morning

and we made a deal.

lt was simple as that.

Probably too good to be true.

And then it went
up the chain to Delfont.

Lord Delfont,
who suddenly read the script...

And said, as he put the script down,
the immortal words,

''What are they trying to do,
crucify me?''

l mean, he actually said that,
which is wonderful.

l had arranged to have a meeting

with Barry Spikings and his lawyer
and our lawyer

to go through the fine points
of the contract,

and he started trying to make

the fine points into major points,

and l suddenly thought,
''There's something wrong here.''

And l said,
''What's this all about, Barry?''

He was very sheepish about it.
He says, ''l've been overruled.''

''EMl can't touch it. lt's disrespectful,
it's rude, it's blasphemous.''

And we were just...

l mean, breath...

breathless, at this sort of
lateness of this conclusion.

We had already begun to look for locations

and spend money on costumes,
and that sort of thing,

so we were a little bit angry.

Well, when EMl pulled out
on the Thursday

before the crew was leaving
on the Saturday,

l said, ''lt's Holy Grail again.
lt's the National Trust, once again.

''They're pulling the rug
right from under our feet.''

We sued EMl,

and l think they eventually
settled out of court,

because, fortunately, somebody leaked
to us some internal memos

saying, ''As you know, we are lucky enough
to have the new Python movie,''

and things like that.

So, we did have them over a barrel,
l think.

And of course,
they did pay us off to some extent,

they paid us some money,
but there was a secrecy clause.

They settled with us
and paid us a lump sum,

which carried us over
and actually paid for what we'd spent,

but on the condition that
we wouldn't reveal this to anybody.

So now l'll probably have to
give them back the hundred thousand.

God, l shouldn't have said anything.

But l was able to use my legal training
at Cambridge, just once in my life,

and l was able to point out

that there wasn't a secrecy clause
about the secrecy clause.

You've got an infinite regression there.

So we got a little bit of fun out of that.

l don't think any of us,
at that point, felt,

''This is it.
We won't get to do the film.''

Almost as if that reaction
had strengthened our resolve.

His disapproval strengthened
our own feelings of approval

about what we were going to do.

But we were still screwed
because we had no money.

So, John Goldstone and l
set off for America

and we go round all these people
in New York, we go to meetings.

They say, ''What's it about?''

''Well, it's a sort of...''
and they go, ''Out!''

lt was like selling
Springtime For Hitler.

Well, thank God that George Harrison
was a big Python fan,

that's really it, and that Eric
had gotten quite close to George.

l met him out here
at a screening of The Holy Grail.

Partied for days.

He was good fun.

So, we were getting nowhere

and l would be calling George,
who was living out here,

and he would say,
''Don't worry, l'll get you the money.''

''George, it's four million dollars!''
''Don't worry, don't worry.''

But only George had the amount
of money to be able to say,

''George, why would you put
five million in a movie like this?''

''Well, you know,
because l want to see it.''

That's... He could afford to do that.

Basically, that's it, l suppose.
l just wanted to see the film.

There wasn't too much...
really wasn't that much thought...

lt was just George and Eric.

He and his business manager,
Denis O'Brien, set up HandMade Films.

George just didn't think about it.
He was really good in his instinct.

lf he wanted to do something,
he just did it.

You know, it's a leap of faith,
and l think that's what l loved about him.

He was always taking those leaps.

What we did was we pawned my house
and the office in London

to get a bank loan.

And that was a bit nerve-racking.

lf l'd known that, l would have been terrified
about doing the movie

thinking that George's house
was on the line.

But fortunately l didn't know about it,
so l was blissfully unaware.

l thought, ''Well, they can
afford that, so that's fine.''

lt's still the most anybody has ever paid
for a cinema ticket in history.

We didn't really know
that much about the movie,

that much about
what a big deal it was going to be

or what a big investment it was going to be
and what a chance he was taking.

But he definitely wanted
to see the movie made

and, you know,
they just wanted to have some fun.

Come on, haggle.

- All right, l'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.

Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
Me, with a poor, dying grandmother?

- Ten?
- All right, l'll give you eleven.

Now you're getting it.
Eleven? Did l hear you right?

Eleven? This cost me twelve!
You want to ruin me?

- Seventeen?
- No, no, no. Seventeen.

- Eighteen?
- No, no. You go to fourteen now.

- l'll give you fourteen.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?

That's what you told me to say.
Tell me what to say. Please!

- Offer me fourteen.
- l'll give you fourteen.

- He's offering me fourteen for this.
- Fifteen.

Seventeen. My last word. l won't take
a penny less or strike me dead.

- Sixteen.
- Done.

When we were doing The Life Of Brian,
which we shot in '78,

so l was nearly 40 years of age,

l was aware that, although l didn't
think of myself as an actor,

l certainly acted some of the time
and l thought to myself,

it would be really interesting

to play a character who went
all the way through a movie.

l think John was
rather keen to play Brian.

l thought that would be
a thoroughly interesting experience.

l couldn't see John playing Brian.
l really couldn't see it.

l kind of felt we needed Graham's integrity.

l didn't think there was
anybody else in the Python group

who had that integrity
that shows up on a big screen.

l'm of course biased.

Graham was the best actor
of the crowd.

l'm not the Messiah!

l say you are, Lord,
and l should know, l've followed a few.

Hail, Messiah!

l am not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?

l am not the Messiah!
Do you understand?

Honestly!

Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.

What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?

All right! l am the Messiah!

He is! He is the Messiah!

Now fuck off!

All these things
are happening around Graham

and he's sort of
slightly puzzled by it all.

lt's a wonderful quality and it's
something you can't act, l don't think.

The others, very kindly,
made it clear to me

that they thought that was not a good idea

and that Gray was better at it and that l was
more valuable doing the other parts.

You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law

for harbouring a known criminal?

- No.
- Crucifixion.

- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.

What do you mean,
''could be worse''?

- Well, could be stabbed.
- Stabbed? Takes a second.

Crucifixion lasts hours.
lt's a slow, horrible death.

Well, at least it gets you out
in the open air.

You're weird.

There's no question that they were right.
l'm very glad that they got it right.

Ooh, you lucky bastard.

Before Graham started filming Brian,

he had been told
that if he ever drank alcohol again,

probably he'd be dead
within two years.

Once l decided to stop, it was easy,

except for the three days
of unpleasantness.

Then, after that, a week in hospital

just cooling off on Valium,
and l've been fine ever since.

He had been given a reprieve
and a totally new life.

The reborn Graham

was part of the character
he put into Brian.

Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!

What l love most about Life Of Brian

was the fact
we were shooting in Tunisia,

and when you woke up in the morning,
it was warm and the sun was out.

l remember the delight of sitting
on the balcony

and having your orange juice,

and then going down
and feeling good.

Yes, it's another edition of
Graham Chapman Rests,

a series of 400 half-hour programmes

which look at the life of a man
who rests a lot.

Playing Graham Chapman
is Graham Chapman.

Last week he rested.

This week he starts off resting
yet again.

l remember the first morning shooting
was the stoning scene.

You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town

of uttering the name of our Lord,

and so, as a blasphemer...

..you are to be stoned to death.

And l was wearing a beard,
which l hate more than anything.

lt was extraordinary, by lunch time,
the beard was off

and l was in the hotel swimming pool.

l'd had a lovely supper
and all l said to my wife was,

''That piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah.''

Blasphemy! He said it again!

Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

Did you hear him?

Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

Really!

Are there any women here today?

Very well.

By virtue of the authority
vested in me...

Lay off! We haven't started yet!

Come on! Who threw that?

Who threw that stone? Come on.

She did! She did!

He did! He! Him!

Sorry. l thought we'd started.

- Go to the back.
- All right, dear.

There's always one, isn't there?

The filming of Life Of Brian
was a breeze, l really enjoyed that.

Terry Jones had taken it on himself
to be the sole director,

but Terry Gilliam was heavily involved
because he was designing it.

My feeling on the last film was
that with two of us directing,

we were always shouting,
we both of us run on adrenaline,

we were both shouting madly,

and l found it confusing for the crew

and l think the crew
found it that way too.

lt wasn't really the best thing.

l think, fascism or whatever it is,

dictatorship is really important
in film making.

lt needs one voice
to hold it together.

- l can't see.
- Where's he going?

Terry J was so well prepared.

We walked on set,

there wasn't the usual anxiety
or getting to know each other.

lt all happened so flowingly.

And, from then on, l had
the best time l think l've ever had.

ls there another way down?

ls there another path
down to the river?

The hermit in the hole was a bit tricky,

because, of course,
my costume was nothing.

l had beard.

The make-up girl had to attach it
with a bit of Sellotape my willy.

Please! Please help me!
l've got to get...

Master! Master!

My foot.

- Oh, damn! Damn! Damn!
- l'm sorry!

- Oh, damn, damn and blast it!
- l'm sorry.

To make it easier for the others
and give them a later call,

l did all my close-ups first,

and then worked with Graham,
when Graham came in,

and then the rest of the crowd arrived later.

And we were just sort of...

l was directing the crowd and Michael Palin
came up behind me and said,

''Terry, you do realise
you're stark naked, don't you?''

But by then it had just become
my costume, so l hadn't noticed.

Tell them to stop it!

l hadn't said a word for eighteen years
till he came along.

A miracle! He is the Messiah!

Well, he hurt my foot!

Hurt my foot, Lord!
Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...

Hail Messiah!

The writing, l think,
is the best writing in Python.

Particularly its political writing
is what so brilliant about it,

because it's not about Jesus.

lt's about prejudices, unions, terrorists,
it's all that nonsense.

ln those five minutes
of the sandal, the shoe, the gourd,

it tells you everything
about the history of religion.

Boom, it's the most concise,
wonderful bit of prejudice,

heresy and everything and punishment.

He has given us a sign!

He has given us...his shoe!

The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.

What?

Let us, like him, hold up one shoe
and let the other be upon our foot,

for this is his sign, that all
who follow him shall do likewise.

No. The shoe is a sign that we must gather
shoes together in abundance.

Cast off the shoes! Follow the Gourd!

No! Let us gather shoes together!
Let me!

Oh, get off!

The Life Of Brian isn't blasphemous,
because it doesn't touch on belief.

lt's heretical because it touches
on dogma and it touches on the priesthood

and the interpretation of belief,
rather than belief itself.

Follow the Gourd!
The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!

The Gourd!

Hold up the sandal
as he has commanded us!

- lt is a shoe!
- lt's a sandal!

No, it isn't!

Cast it away!

- Put it on!
- And clear off!

lt became a classic film.
l mean, you could see it...

When l was getting the material in
for cutting it, it was just...

it was funny,
but sustainable funny.

l could watch the scenes over and over
again and they just made you laugh,

or there was something to enjoy in it
all the time, and it was clever.

Don't pass judgment on other people,

or you might get judged yourself.

What?

l said, ''Don't pass judgment
on other people,

''or else you might get judged too.''

- Who, me?
- Yes.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, not just you. All of you.

- That's a nice gourd.
- What?

- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.

- Have it?
- Yes.

Consider the lilies...

- Don't you want to haggle?
- No.

..in the field.

- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.

- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.

- What birds?
- Any birds.

- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?

- Who?
- The birds.

Have the birds got jobs?

- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.

l remember saying to the guys
at the time,

''You know, we might get people,
religious nutheads,

''sort of taking pot shots at us

''and, you know, it might be quite tricky,
difficult when it comes out.''

Please, please, listen.
l've got one or two things to say.

Tell us. Tell us both of them.

Look. You've got it all wrong.

You don't need to follow me.
You don't need to follow anybody!

You've got to think for yourselves.

You're all individuals.

Yes, we're all individuals.

You're all different.

Yes, we are all different.

l'm not.

l was well aware of the storm
that was coming and l loved that.

l loved the thought
of what we were doing

that it would really
open a hornets' nest.

We knew that there
would be some trouble

but, you know,
in a funny kind of way,

there wasn't that much in England.

l know that it passed the British censors,
but the local Whitehouse...

whatever her name is,
Grandma Blow Job,

gave them a hard time.

l always remember,

when we heard Mary Whitehouse
was making a noise about it,

about Life Of Brian, thinking,

''That's going to be good publicity.
lt can't be bad.''

Mary Whitehouse of course
was an amazing figure at the time

and specialised in criticising things
she hadn't seen.

l know she was making noise out there,
but she was making noise about everything,

so it became background white noise.

Mary Whitehouse,
she's always going to go off on something.

We kind of felt Mary Whitehouse
was making the big faux pas -

in trying to stop people
going to see it

she was actually encouraging
people to go and see it.

The fact it was being banned in Britain,
in Eastbourne, l couldn't see it.

But that just made it better, in a way,

because then you could go... because
you had to go and see it at that point.

But we knew that in London,
Oxford, Cambridge,

the usual sort of places,
Manchester, Birmingham,

there was never any attempt
to take it off there.

So, in a sense, the controversy
added this sort of frisson

which l think
probably helped the film.

The first time
l was really aware of...

the greatness of the moment
of what we'd done

was with Mike and John
on the television show.

Our guest reviewers
are Malcolm Muggeridge

and Mervyn Stockwood,
the bishop of Southwark.

The great event was the interview
on the Tim Rice show

where the bishop of Southwark
and Malcolm Muggeridge

were brought in to attack the film
with John and myself defending it.

My recollection was,

there was a programme
that was done on Saturday night

that was directed or produced

by lain Johnstone,
who was a friend of all of ours.

And he set this up and asked
Sir Tim Rice to be the moderator.

With us tonight,
another one third of Monty Python,

John Cleese and Michael Palin.

Tim created a pleasant atmosphere
at the beginning,

but l don't remember
his participating much

because l think it became
rather gripping television.

l don't think we needed a great deal of help.

You keep making the basic assumption...
Sorry, let me say this.

You keep making the basic assumption

that we are ridiculing
Christ and Christ's teaching

and l say that we are not.

Do you imagine that your scene,
for instance, of the Sermon on the Mount,

the scene in this, in your film,
of the Sermon on the Mount,

is not ridiculing
one of the most sublime utterances

that any human being has ever spoken
on this earth? Of course it is.

lt's making fun of the guy
who's remembered it wrong

and of the people
who don't understand it.

That's unfair,
because a lot of people looking in

will think we have actually
ridiculed Christ, physically.

Christ is played by an actor,
Ken Colley,

he speaks the words
from the Sermon on the Mount.

He's treated respectfully.

The camera pans away,
we go to the back of the crowd,

to someone who shouts, ''Speak up!''
because they cannot hear him.

Now, if that utterly undermines
one's faith in Christ...

No, it doesn't undermine...

That was kind of fun.

What was particularly funny, it was
the crossest l've ever seen Michael Palin.

Not a man who's easily upset.
He was almost apoplectic.

l started off by saying
that this is such a tenth-rate film

that l don't believe
that it would disturb anybody's faith.

You started with an open mind,
l realise that.

That was fun,
but disappointing cos it was so funny.

And l remember Mervyn Stockwood,
the pompous twerp,

you know, an alcoholic and gay, l mean...

The hypocrisy of it.

Ah, yes, fingering the cross,
that was it.

The way people react to the cross,

and after all, l am not ashamed
to wear the cross here,

which is the sign of a bishop.

When l look at that figure,

l know you're going to say Brian isn't Jesus,
but that's just rubbish.

Muggeridge is such a twerp
and he makes a fool of himself.

Remember that
that story of the incarnation

was what our whole civilisation
began with.

Remember that it has
inspired every great artist,

every great writer,
every great composer,

every great builder,
every great architect.

That's to celebrate,
that marvellous thing.

The Thirty Years' War in Germany,
the lnquisition and so forth.

Yes, the lnquisition is there...

Muggeridge and the bishop

tended to assume that they
were more popular than we were,

which was a fatal,
fatal mistake they'd made.

The bishop was able to say,

''l hope you'll make
your 30 pieces of silver,''

which was a pretty awful thing to say,
but he was saying it...

cos he was getting
a great reaction from the audience.

When we finished the whole thing,
shock, horror,

we're all backstage and the bishop says,
''That seemed to go well.''

What are you really trying to say?
l wasn't in the least bit horrified.

People said, ''Bishop, when you go there,
you'll be absolutely horrified.''

l wasn't at all. l wasn't vicar
of the university church for nothing.

l'm familiar with undergraduate humour.

They were using every
old man trick in the book,

every headmaster trick in the book.

l know people of Clifton College
of exactly your own period

who are now priests in my diocese.

- l remember the sermons.
- You don't remember mine.

- Tell me what l preached on.
- No idea.

l only remember the bad ones.

l remember a gentleman
coming and telling us

how very difficult it had proved
to get the Bible into Tibet.

Seven occasions.
The first time there were landslides,

the second time, rains
and the pages got stuck together,

the third time... No, this is true.

The third time the mules
had fallen off the mountain,

the fourth time, there were thunderbolts,
and the seventh time, he said,

''God helped us
and we got the Bibles into Tibet.''

The obvious conclusion was that he was
trying to stop them getting the Bibles.

Mike and John
were just fantastic on that show.

And l thought, ''OK, this is good.
We've started the controversy.''

And then l loved, in New York
is where it really got interesting.

Life Of Brian was in perfect territory
for humour, as far as l'm concerned.

Now, there were many groups
in the United States that objected to it.

We were about to go to New York
for the opening of The Life Of Brian,

and one forgets
the fanaticism in America.

l suppose with all things
it was more extreme here,

because you do have very deep
religious factions, and many of them,

and ones that are much more likely
to demonstrate and get cross about things.

A group of rabbis and priests held
demonstrations over this past weekend

and they were demonstrating against
a movie called The Life Of Brian.

A thousand rabbis came out in New York
protesting about The Life Of Brian.

And we went, ''What? Why?''

Evidently the rabbis
were complaining about the headdress

that John wears in the stoning sequence.

They said that was
a religious garment or something.

We just thought it was a piece of costume.

We didn't know it had
any religious significance.

The new Monty Python film
is entitled The Life Of Brian.

lt is a spoof of the life of Christ

and has managed to offend just about
every religious group in this city.

Once it's picked up by the networks
and it's on the news,

you don't have to publicise it,

it's already wider
than you can possibly imagine.

Monty Python's Life Of Brian,
a film attracting much attention today

outside the Warner Brothers building
in Rockefeller Center.

Demonstrators gathered
to call the film blasphemous.

Catholic, Jewish, Greek Orthodox
and Protestant religious leaders

have all condemned the film,

the New York Archdiocese
officially on record against it.

And people were walking up and down
with billboards outside the cinema,

which of course did us tremendous good,

and got millions of people to watch it
who wouldn't otherwise.

One billboard said,
''Monty Python is an agent of the devil.''

l remember thinking, ''God, l'd like to be
getting 10 of what he makes.''

Very early days of Life Of Brian,

it was banned in North Carolina,
and we said, ''How is it banned?''

They said, Senator Strom Thurmond's wife

had a friend who'd heard
it was very antireligious,

and because of that it was banned.

About 150 demonstrators

say their right to freedom of expression
has been violated.

Theatre owners quit showing
The Life Of Brian

after Senator Strom Thurmond told them
it offended religious leaders.

These protestors say
the film should not be censored,

no matter what the subject is.

And they say the senator abused his power

by asking General Cinema Corporation
to quit showing the film.

He has censored a movie,
it doesn't matter what the movie is,

it's censorship and that's bad news.

This is America,
that's not supposed to happen.

l remember Life Of Brian
was controversial at the time.

There was a lot of hue and cry
about where you're coming from,

but again, you think,
''Wait, it's the Pythons, it's a comedy.''

And after all the Christ did exist
as a real figure, he is public domain,

and it is said that he did have
quite a sense of humour himself.

l'm from a Catholic household,

because we were a bit liberal too,

there were just murmurs of disapproval,

rather than, you know...

My mother is the kind of person
who would laugh at that kind of thing

and then shake her head and tut at herself
for having laughed at it.

l think it's...

A proper Christian seeing that film
would get it.

My sister was quite religious,

didn't want to go and see it, and l said,

''You must. lt's actually,
in a way, quite a religious film

''in that it takes away the mystique.''

She saw it eventually about six times.

l think they got that balance of

showing up
the worst sides of religion

but not attacking the good sides.

With Life Of Brian, they have got
nearly the greatest story ever told,

and it's all laid out for them,
but it's done absolutely beautifully.

Both it's terrifically funny
and says something terribly profound

about the nature of belief and religion,

and that's why it offended so many people.

Life Of Brian is almost,
dare l say it, almost Shakespearean.

l think it was voted

best British comedy of all time,

which...
l felt it should have been higher.

Life Of Brian, that got in my head.

That and Elephant Man
and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest,

are my favourite films, full stop,
across all genres.

There are certain bits in it
which one will always remember.

''lf it wasn't for the Romans'',
things like that.

They've bled us white, the bastards.

They've taken everything we had,
and not just from us,

from our fathers,
and from our fathers' fathers.

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

And from our fathers' fathers'
fathers' fathers.

All right. Don't labour the point.

And what have they
ever given us in return?

The aqueduct?

- What?
- The aqueduct.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.
They did give us that. That's true.

And there's sanitation.

The sanitation, Reg. Remember
what the city used to be like?

l'll grant you the aqueduct
and the sanitation

are two things the Romans have done.

And the roads.

Obviously the roads.
The roads go without saying.

Apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads...

- lrrigation.
- Medicine.

- Education.
- All right. Fair enough.

- And the wine.
- Oh, yes.

That's something we'd really miss, Reg,
if the Romans left.

Public baths.

And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night now.

They know how to keep order.

Let's face it. They're the only ones
who could in a place like this.

l do love the notion that
there was a ton of these Christs about,

but one of them got the good...
he was in... he was on the inside track.

But over there there's a ton of them
and they all missed.

Which he will wield
on all wretched sinners.

Sinners just like you, sir, there.
And the horns shall be on the head...

..Obadiah, his servants.

There shall, in that time,
be rumours of things going astray,

and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are,

and nobody will really know
where lieth those little things

with the sort of raffia-work base
that has an attachment.

l often wonder how they...
how it played with American audiences

who had never actually done Latin,

who never had been taken
and put up against the wall

with having their ear tweaked
by a Latin teacher going,

''Motion towards!''
''Dative! Dative!''

What's this, then?
''Romanes Eunt Domus''?

''People called Romanes
they go the house''?

lt... lt says, ''Romans, go home''.

No, it doesn't.

What's Latin for ''Roman''?

- Come on! Come on!
- ''Romanus''?

- Goes like...?
- ''Annus''?

- Vocative plural of ''annus'' is...?
- ''Anni''?

''Romani''.

You go, ''Oh, my God!
Declines with... Oh, shit!''

Conjugate the verb ''to go''.

lre. Eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

So ''eunt'' is...?

Third person plural,
present indicative - ''they go''.

But ''Romans, go home'' is an order,
so you must use the...?

The imperative!

- Which is...?
- Oh, ''i'', ''i''!

- How many Romans?
- Plural, plural - ''ite'', ''ite''.

That's a peculiar
public-school phenomenon

and it always gets a laugh.

How does it get a laugh if nobody...

How does anybody know
that this really went on?

lt's just so absurd, it's funny.
lt's funny in its own right.

- Understand?
- Yes, sir.

- Write it out 100 times.
- Thank you, sir.

- Hail Caesar, sir.
- Hail Caesar.

lf it's not done by sunrise,
l'll cut your balls off.

To somebody like me
who went to boarding school,

and had to suffer
all these iniquities,

it's a stroke of genius.

Finished!

Right. Now don't do it again.

Bloody Romans.

That's speaking as an ex-communist,

the scene with the People's Popular
Front of Judea.

The only people
we hate more than the Romans

are the fucking
Judean People's Front.

Splitters.

And the Judean
Popular People's Front.

Yeah. Splitters.

And the People's Front of Judea.

- Yeah. Splitters.
- What?

The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

We're the People's Front of Judea!

l thought we were the Popular Front.

People's Front.

Whatever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?

He's over there.

Splitter!

That was so brilliantly observed.

That alone is worth the ticket price

and should have ended communism
right there and then.

Next.

- Crucifixion?
- Yes.

Good. Out of the door.
Line on the left. One cross each.

Next.

Crucifixion was, at that time,
a very common punishment.

Jesus wasn't the first person
to be crucified,

there were thousands more crucified.

The Roman Empire was an imperial power
and they could send people off.

So, you think about all the people
you might find in that world,

so, hence, you would find
the centurion l played,

this earnest, liberal man
from a nice farm up near Rome

who'd got stuck up here
in the Eastern Mediterranean

and was having to send people
off to their deaths and crucifixion.

So he's so pleased when
someone comes through and says,

''No, l've been told l can live
on a desert island and go free.''

- No. Freedom.
- What?

Freedom for me.

They said l hadn't done anything

so l can go free
and live on an island somewhere.

That's wonderful.

He feels this is the way
it should be in the ideal world.

Then this wonderful character,
''No, it's crucifixion, really.''

l see. Very good. Very good.
Well, out of the door...

l know the way. Out the door,
one cross each, line on the left.

So, you've got the idealised centurion figure,
you've also got the cheeky Cockney

who's always having a joke about anything,
played by Eric...

Miserable bloody Romans.
No sense of humour.

..and the guy who says,

''Would you carry my cross?''
''Oh, yes, let me.''

No, Terry says,
''Let me carry your cross.''

Let me shoulder your burden, brother.

Thank you.

Then he just buggers off.

Terry says, ''Excuse me, it's not my cross!
lt's not my cross.''

- lt's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!

lt's all characters
you've seen in modern Britain,

the sort of idealists and the naive people
and all that sort of thing,

and the chancers
and the opportunists.

The big thing is what happens
when you're on the crosses.

Up you go, Big Nose!

l'll get you for this, you bastard.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

- Don't worry. l never forget a face.
- No?

l warned you. l'm going to punch
you so hard, you Roman git!

- Shut up, you Jewish turd!
- Who are you calling Jewish?

l'm not Jewish! l'm a Samaritan!

A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.

lt doesn't matter! You're all
going to die in a day or two.

lt may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us.

- Doesn't it, darling?
- Oh, rather.

Under the terms of
the Roman occupancy,

we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.

Pharisees separate from Sadducees.

And Swedish separate from Welsh!

All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!

Hands up, all those
who don't want to be crucified here.

Right. Next!

Now we come to, how to end a movie
where all of the characters

have been arrested
and are about to be crucified.

Because, anyone on a cross,
it's a significant figure,

that's the symbol of Christianity.

That's when Eric came up with
Always Look On The Bright Side.

l said, ''What they should do is we should
have a song, end with a song.''

Everybody said, ''Then we can have
the feet kicking and all of that.''

l said, ''lt should be cheery,
like a Disney song, a whistly song.''

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best

And...

Always look on the bright side of life

l went straight home when l wrote it.
l got my guitar out.

l had these jazz guitar chords,
and l did the little whistle song.

lf life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly, chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle,
that's the thing

That song didn't really come to life
until we got to Tunisia,

because when l did the demo

it was like, it was sung very straight.

But when we got to Tunisia

l suddenly realised it should be
in Cheeky's voice, Mr Cheeky.

And so we got the sound recordist
and John Goldstone and me,

we went into our hotel room.

We put mattresses on the walls,
had a bottle of boukha,

and they lay on the floor and l sang.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

And so that track is recorded live
in the hotel room in Tunisia.

Always look on the bright side of death

Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit when you look at it

l remember looking in
Michael Palin's diary recently, he said,

''Eric hasn't written very much,

''but he has written a song,
not a very good one.''

That's Always Look On The Bright Of Life.

And always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the right side of life

Come on, Brian. Cheer up.

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the right side of life

Worse things happen at sea, you know.

What you got to lose?

You come from nothing.
You're going back to nothing.

What have you lost? Nothing!

''Nothing will come from nothing,''
you know what they say?

Cheer up, you old bugger.
Come on. Give us a grin.

There you are. See?
lt's the end of the film.

lncidentally, this record's
available in the foyer.

Some of us have got to live as well,
you know.

All right, that's the lot.

Who do you think
pays for all this rubbish?

They'll never make their money back,
you know.

l told him. l said to him, ''Bernie,'' l said,
''they'll never make their money back.''