Original subtitles

Miss, I want to run for head girl.

Lovely.

Deadline was yesterday. Please shut the door.

Yeah, but I was off sick yesterday so...

Oh, cry me a river.

I can’t go moving dates around willy-nilly,

else everyone will want special treatment, won’t they?

Well, it could just be our little secret.

Don’t do that.

Rules are rules,

and anyway, these things, they’re a popularity contest.

Not to say that you’re not popular, but...

All right, let’s not beat around the bush, you’re not popular.

Cheers, miss.

Come on.

Get real. I’ve got the likes of Poppy Cruickshank in the running.

It would be David and Goliath.

Yeah, but popular girls shouldn’t

just automatically get it anyway. It’s not fair.

Oh, maybe you’ll get a Filofax and start adhering to deadlines then.

- What use is a Filofax? - People in the running for head girl.

Now, if there’s nothing else...

This is discrimination.

No, it’s not.

- Can I just say one more thing? - Oh, good God, what?

This school, right, has been crying out for the voice of the many

and that’s me, me.

Come on.

Just do it as an experiment, see if I get the others to work harder.

That’s two things.

Campaign speeches are next week.

Don’t let me down and don’t embarrass yourself.

I won’t, I promise.

- Thank you so much. - Yeah, please get out.

...I wouldn’t call myself an expert.

I would argue no one can truly

call themselves a film fan if they haven’t watched an Almodovar.

- Oh, please, that’s ludicrous. - I didn’t say you have to like them.

But you’ve got to be fluent in their artistic currency.

Travis, favourite film?

I’ve always really liked Moulin Rouge.

You’ve got to be joking.

No. That was a great film. Arty.

Arty is one word.

Derivative’s another.

Trav, Mrs. Blocker wants to see you in her office.

Why?

She caught you on the CCT wearing your trainers.

Oh, for God’s sake.

Right, I’ll see you in a bit, boys.

You’re welcome.

Oh, you dickhead, I was bricking it.

Well, I had to be cruel to be kind, didn’t I?

Right, do you want to help me make some posters?

What for?

I’m so crap at this stuff.

Yeah, I can see that.

By the way,

I wanted to say sorry for the other day.

Just for the other day? Because you’ve been a dick for weeks, babe.

Yeah, well, all right, give us offence.

Will you forgive me if I buy you a Club bar?

Maybe.

Thanks.

On a completely different topic...

Can I borrow £1.50?

Please.

You’re a twat.

Have you spoken to Lyds?

Yeah. Well, no, I haven’t.

I texted her, but she just replied with...

three middle-finger emojis.

Yeah, I know.

She’s pissed.

She’s so pissed.

Right, show me them.

Right, yeah. I don’t know,

this is what I’ve got. I mean...

- No, that’s shit. - That’s a bit harsh.

- No, it’s not funny. - What?

- I can’t put that round the school. - I’m a strong independent woman.

...future, that’s just fact, there won’t be jobs for any of us, within ten years,

- we’ll just-- - Peter.

Hey,

can you help us with this?

Please.

I’m hardly going to say yes before I know the terms.

All right, chill out, I’m not going to ask you to sign a contract.

Just help with these posters.

Very droll.

Done. Easy.

Oh, my God. Peter, you’re a ledge.

But don’t think this secures my vote,

I will remain impartial until I have considered all policies.

Right. There we go. That’s that one done.

- Nice. - Right.

Babe.

What’s all this?

- She’s running for head girl. - I’m running for head girl.

- Oh, my goodness, good for you, babe. - Thanks.

But what about the deadline? You missed it, right?

Oh, that... It doesn’t matter to me, I’m just...

I’m so proud of you, Beth.

Good luck.

Gosh, she’s a rotten apple.

All right, Grandma.

- Jesus! - Shut up!

Hi, Beth.

- What? - Can I take some of those?

- I’ll put ’em up for you. - Thanks.

Here, take a few.

Beth?

Beat the bitch.

Sorry?

You heard me.

Bye.

Bye.

Excuse me. Hi.

Sorry, I’m just looking for Trina.

- I think she was watching the telly. - Okay.

- I’m going that way, I’ll take you. - Okay.

Are you her daughter?

Yeah.

Yes, Bethan,

- she’s been telling me all about you. - Really?

Yeah, you’re going to be a Hollywood star, apparently.

Oh, God, no. I don’t know about that!

I’ve healed you now, so you can get on the floor if you want.

- Piss off. - Oh, Beth!

- Where have you been? - To school.

- School. Busy? - Yeah.

I’ve got myself in a bit of hot water.

Why?

See that woman over there?

Just promised to buy her a brand-new Ferrari.

Writing cheques my arse can’t cash.

Cup of tea?

No. No, I don’t want that.

Backwash.

So, how do you feel?

Yeah, great.

It’s like a five-star hotel in here.

No, but, I mean, like, what’s going on in your head?

Everything. Yeah.

Well, I can...

read the Bible and enjoy it and I can drink hot and cold tea

- and enjoy that too... - Mam, no, don’t drink...

Someone’s drunk out of that.

Don’t drink it.

Listen.

I’m going to run for this election thing in school.

Like Margaret Thatcher?

No,

Mam, no.

Basically,

if I... if you get it,

you become the face of the school, so I’ve got to do this speech in front of...

Remember when you did a play and you were sick, vomited everywhere?

- You was a wreck. - Yeah, I remember that, yeah.

It’s not like that.

Oh, hold on a minute.

Just got to tune my brain in, Beth.

What are you doing, Trina, you all right?

No, it’s just a cleaner.

Mam, shush. You can’t say that, that’s rude.

- Gasping for a cup of tea. - Oh, Mam, that’s...

Disgusting?

- It’s very nice, thank you. - Okay.

What is he doing up there?

Don’t care.

He can stay up there.

What’s some good policies?

What did you want when you were in school, Nan?

All I cared about was necking boys.

It’s true.

Duncan Gibbert made me go weak at the knees.

Stop it.

Look,

you don’t need all this bollocks, you’re a lovely girl.

You just stand up there and say,

“I’m beautiful, everybody vote for me.”

- You smoking crack? - Not lately, no.

Go and tell him his tea’s ready.

He won’t come.

Right. I’ll go tell him... and you are coming with me.

- No, I’m not. Please, I don’t want to see him. - You’re coming. Come on.

- Dil, I’m coming in. - Not now, Mam.

- Come and have some dinner. - Just get out, Mam.

Get out!

I told you.

Hey.

How many farts have you done in here?

It stinks.

Can you not? That’s my last one.

Twat.

What are you watching?

- Cats Kingdom. - Why?

- Do you want something? - Yeah.

I miss you.

- I’ve been worried about you. - Well, I’m fine, so you can go.

You don’t come to school and

- you look like shit so... - I look like shit?

- Yeah. - Look in the mirror.

My mum’s at a conference anyway so I’m obviously going to knock off.

Guess what?

Shereen Hammer and JD Jenkins had sex in a graveyard.

Like, on a grave.

Can you imagine the corpse underneath being like, “Are you taking the p--”?

Do you reckon you’ll be there on Wednesday?

Dunno.

Cos I’m doing my speech for head girl.

Yeah. And I need you and Trav there because I’m shitting myself.

What?

That is suicide.

Yeah, maybe.

Will you vote for me, though?

No.

I’m going out now so...

Okay, I’ll go.

I’m so sorry about what Tony Chippy did to you.

I know you feel like a piece of shit, but you’re not.

You’re wicked. You’re...

amazing, you’re funny and...

I love you.

Oi!

- Vote for Bethan. - Vote for Bethan.

- Do you s--? Why’s she laughing? - That was a bit rude.

- Vote for Bethan. - Vote for Bethan.

Vote for Bethan, mate.

Trav, I printed 100 of these. No one’s taken one.

- Free flapjack if you vote for me. - Look at the state of her.

Corrupt already.

Be honest. No one is going to vote for me, are they?

- What the fuck? - You just got dog pooed.

- Oh, my God! - Is it on me?

- Is it on me? Is it on you? - No, it’s on me, you twat!

It stinks. Do you see what I mean, though?

We’re being shat on, it’s embarrassing.

Right, none of the pupils are going to vote for you, babe.

But the teachers make up 50% of the vote, don’t they? So if you

- get them on board... - No.

- ...you may stand a chance. Go on. - No. No.

- Go in the staffroom. - Please don’t.

I’ve said no. Trav! Please don’t.

- I asked you not to. - Yeah, but it’ll be fine.

- You’re causing a scene now. - I’m not causing a scene.

See.

Avon calling.

What do you guttersnipes want?

Well, Bethan is on the campaign trail, and she’d love to run the teachers

- through her policies, wouldn’t you, Beth? - I’m trying to eat my bagel here so...

60 seconds. That’s all we’ll take

and then we’ll be right out of here.

All right. Enter.

- Make it pithy. - Okay.

We’re in.

So, these two want to chew our ears off.

Come on, then, let’s hear it.

I’m running for head girl

- and I wondered if I could count on your vote. - It all depends, doesn’t it?

You scratchy our backies, we scratchy yours and all that.

Basically, I’m going to pledge for the canteen to go plastic free.

Boring. Or did you just steal that

off of every single poster down the corridor, did you?

No. No, I didn’t, actually. No.

I called the current suppliers to price it up

and they’re actually more expensive than the ones offering compostable packaging.

- Not bad. - See, you nearly lost me there

but then you reeled me back in like a little fish on a little dish.

Props to you.

Right. Time’s up.

Can I give you one of these?

No.

No.

- Get all those muscles relaxed. Yeah. - Yeah.

Just let it go.

What? How does it help my speech?

Cos if you’re relaxed, then people are going to listen to you.

Like as if you are just watching the telly.

Get your tongue out.

That’s it.

- Cunnilingus. - Focus.

Focus. Seriously!

Repeat after me.

Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said the butter’s bitter...

Who the fuck is Betty?

Hit me.

Come on.

- My fellow Year 11s... - Eye contact, babe!

My name is Bethan Gwyndaf

and I’m here to recruit you.

I can’t forget the looks on the faces

of people who have lost hope.

If I can be elected,

it’s a green light, it says dare to hope

and you and you and you, you have to give people hope.

Is that the speech from Milk, babe?

- What, you’ve seen it? - Yeah, of course I have. Everyone has.

It’s good. It’s really good. It’s really good.

- It’s just not really you. - What...? The speeches are tomorrow!

- Well, I... What am I meant to do? - Well, it’s fine, we can just

- work on it. We can go through it. - It’s not fine. I’ve just wasted, like,

the last however many hours

doing nothing in a field, embarrassing myself,

for you to say it doesn’t sound like me.

“Hope for a better place to--

Hope for a better place to come to,

if the pressures at home are too great.”

I could cry when I hear you talk like that.

You’re going to go far, my girl.

Okay, settle down.

Come on, take your seats.

We will be starting in five minutes

with the female candidates.

You have to line up near me. Female candidates.

Settle down.

Shut it!

Jonesy, in your own time.

First candidate to welcome to the stage, please,

it is Sarah Zygmund.

Give me an L!

L!

- Give me another L! - L!

- Give me an A! - Okay, that’s quite enough of that.

I’d like to get home today before lunchtime. Isn’t it? All right.

Now, we have Poppy Cruickshank.

- We love you, Poppy! - I love you too!

Right, first things first.

Llanfair High School is the best.

Llanfair, Llanfair!

Okay, okay, okay!

Be serious now, guys.

It would be an honour to work for you all.

And, truly,

my door will always be open. I want you to come to me with any problems,

and we’ll fix it together.

Now,

your final candidate to take to the stage,

please welcome...

Bethan Gwyndaf.

Hi.

Sorry.

Hurry up, love!

My name is Bethan Gwyndaf.

And I’m here to...

to recruit you.

Forget a speech.

I’m just going to cut to the chase.

Vote for me...

and I pledge to fix the toilet seats.

You know, the deathly ones that look normal

but are actually split down the middle, yeah?

No longer will you lower down for a morning steamer,

praying to Jesus that the toilet seat won’t, you know,

bite you on the bum.

Dogs bite.

Toilet seats shouldn’t.

Do dykes bite, fatty?

Button it, Priest!

I tell you what, Priest,

shall I just get it all out the way now, yeah?

- Yeah, go on, then. - I’m not cool. I’m not skinny.

And you don’t want to jizz on me.

Do you want to add anything else?

Yeah. You’ve got blancmange tits.

Can we stop this semen and breast talk, please?

Next up,

I want to know who the hell

came up with the idea that pupils aren’t allowed in during break times.

We’re out there like

soggy rats getting trench foot,

while the teachers, yeah, they’re living it up like it’s

Club Tropicana in the staffroom.

So, the empty maths hut round the back...

Let’s change it into a common room.

If we don’t like something, let’s change it.

This is our school and our lives,

and we choose what we do with it.

For too long the school has voted in popular kids because, well,

we’ve always done it, but...

being real, sometimes popular people

are two-faced.

They only bother being nice when they want something,

when the truth is

they don’t care about us.

They think they can use us, but I say not today.

Not ever.

Look, I’m not going to wang on.

You can do what you’ve always done,

or you can vote for change,

AKA

me.

Right, lads, vote with your heads,

- not your dicks. - Oh, all right now, that’s enough...

Peace out.

- Well, how did it go? - It was all right.

- Do you think you got it? - I don’t know. I have to wait till tomorrow.

- Are you happy? Are you happy? - Yes. Yes, I’m happy.

- I bet you were brilliant. - Yeah, okay, okay!

- I bet you blew their socks off. - Right, I’ve got to go, though.

- Okay. Keep me in the loop! - Yeah, I’m going to go now.

- All right... - Right, I’ll speak to you later.

- Okay, okay, okay. - Love you!

- Love you too. - Love you more.

- Bye! Bye-bye. - Bye-bye!

- I know. She is such a bitch. - In your own time!

- Why are we at a scabby house? - Yeah, don’t freak out, right, but...

- Tony Chippy lives here. - What you doing? What the fuck?

Yeah, well, he’s not going to get away with it.

- No, Beth, just leave it. It doesn’t matter. - It does matter, Lydia.

- I swear... - Seriously, no one hurts you

- and gets away with it. - Just leave it!

I swe-- I’m leaving, then.

- You’re not. No... - I’m leaving.

- Wait... No, you’re not doing it. - Trav, I don’t want to.

You don’t have to. No...

It doesn’t change anything.

- It does change everything. - Beth, stop it!

No, I don’t want to...

- What? - Are you Tony Chippy’s wife?

Who wants to know?

Me. Obviously.

I might be, yeah. And what?

- Well, you need to know something. - Spit it out.

I’ve got three minutes before this starts burning into all of my scalp.

He cheated on you.

What’d you say?

Yeah. My friend, she’s 16, half his age.

You’ve got some big fucking clit, turning up on my doorstep.

Yeah, well, it’s true, so.

Tony Chippy!

- What? - Get here now!

Well, come on, then, mouth.

Thinks you’re brave?

- Say it to his face. - What’s all this?

- You should be ashamed of yourself! - What they doing here?

I don’t know, do I? Stupid fucking kids.

Well, if we’re kids then why do you have sex with her?

Yeah, Tony.

Chips, you best looks me in the eye right now

and tell me they’re lying, or I’m going to fucking nut you.

Shandy, man, they’re just little fucking shits!

Oh, you’re a liar!

You best run now, before I belt you, all three of you little fuckers!

Yeah, go on, threaten us all you want, but

you had sex with a 16-year-old who was too drunk to consent.

- What’s she on about? - Do you know what, Tony?

I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

Fucking trollop!

Fucking ignore ’em, Shan, they’re little fucking slags trying to wreck my life!

That’s fucking rich!

Shandy, check his car!

- My knickers are in there somewhere. - You little rotten, horrible bastard!

Oh, my God! Run!

No hanky-panky, one vote only.

- You going to vote for me? - That’d be telling, wouldn’t it?

Come on, at least tell us who’s winning.

All right, put it this way, it’s tighter than a nun’s clam.

Brilliant.

Disgusting!

The ballot box has been emptied.

The votes have been counted.

And I gathered you all here today because we think it’s high time

that we announced the winners.

Now, without further ado,

your deputy head girl...

Slight pause for suspense...

...is Poppy Cruickshank.

That is shocking!

I’m shocked, man!

FUUUUUUUU...!

Congratulations, Poppy.

She’s gutted!

And now it gives me great pleasure

to reveal Llanfair High School’s newly appointed head girl.

No, actually, no.

It’s worth mentioning

that this is a huge responsibility.

But I think these shoulders

- will carry with the diligent... - Oh, come on!

It’s Bethan Gwyndaf.

- That’s cool! - I know, I know!

I can’t believe it!

Babe, congrats! Such a big achievement for you.

How are you going to celebrate?

- Going to go for a Kashmiri with my mam. - Nice.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, well done, you, for getting deputy.

Thanks. Actually worked out really well

because I’m so busy with Duke of Edinburgh and everything.

Two-faced was an interesting comment, though.

Well done.

Give me a hug.

Right. Catch you later.

Said it before and I’ll say it again,

she’s a cunt!

- She’ll have to-- Head girl, bitch! - You... are head girl!

- I’m head girl! - Oh, my God!

- You’re very cool. Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- It’s amazing! - You’re, like...

So you’re literally...

Don’t leave me this way

I can’t survive

I can’t stay alive

- Without your love... - You all right, love?

She likes the limelight, don’t she?

She won’t let any of the others have a go.

- Sorry. - Nah, it’s all right, she’s having fun.

Oh, come here.

Eyelash.

- Squash? - Yeah.

Enjoy.

So can’t you see it’s burning out of control?

I think I’m going to need some therapy

Oh, babe I hope you got a PhD...

- Mum, sit down. - Come on, love.

Mum, stop!

- Come and dance with me! - Mum, I don’t want to.

Stop it, Mum, stop it! You’re embarrassing yourself! Stop!

Sorry.

It’ll be all right.

Yeah.

Thank you so much! That was brilliant!

Thank you, that was great. Thanks, Alfred.

Mam?

I got head girl today.

I know.

You are my best girl.

She’s never going to understand me, is she?

Staff, these two are here from the local comp,

volunteering for their Duke of Edinburgh awards.