Original subtitles

Perfect.

Ahoy, human.

Welcome aboard.

It's a good thing we went to the market.

Are you comfortable?

For the moment.

If I've arranged things right, I won't have to move from this spot all day.

I hope things work out for you. Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Oh, darn.

I just can't quite seem to reach the VCR.

Well, don't even think about getting up. I'll take care of it for you.

Thanks. Saves getting a wrist full of broker fur.

Jane Fonda's workout.

I like to watch her while I drink my coffee.

Listen, grab a plate and help yourself.

The forks are chilled.

Maybe later.

Crocker?

That's probably the doorbell.

Well, whoever it is, I'll get rid of them. I mean, we can't have anyone

disturbing you.

Yeah, tell them to take a hike.

Mom!

It's so good to see you.

Not your grandma. What brings her out this way?

The kitchen. The kitchen.

Now. All right.

Willie, grab the pasta maker.

Let's just go.

Who's at the door?

Grandma. Where is she? They're making her stand outside.

I'll go.

man. Are you sure?

Mom.

It's been too long. Oh, I know. What a surprise.

Long time.

Little hug. Hi, Grandma.

Lynn, Brian.

Grandma. Give me a hug.

Are they feeding you?

Yeah. Obviously not enough. That was a very weak hug.

I like that one. That was good. Hi, Grandma.

Another weak hug.

Better.

Hi, Dorothy.

Hello, Willie.

Anyway, I am off to Hawaii with Crazy Estelle. Oh, honey. And we figured we'd

spend three days in Los Angeles while she visits her daughter. I'm visiting my

daughter. Oh, honey, that hair is much too short for that face.

You look good, too, Mom.

I'm so glad you're here for lunch.

Tell me, what's your mother feeding you these days? Oh, good food.

Sandwiches.

Sandwiches? Well, listen, tonight I'm going to make you something substantial.

Mom, I'm cooking dinner tonight.

Oh, listen, we'll talk about it later.

Oh, I brought gifts.

Gifts? No!

I always bring gifts.

I meant... No!

No! You needn't have brought any.

I didn't bring any for you.

I thought you'd be on the road.

Why would I be on the road?

Well, you're a salesman, aren't you?

No, I work in social services.

Mom, you knew that.

That's right. I don't know who I was thinking of.

Willie Loman, death of a salesman.

I know.

Crazy Estelle's son -in -law, Crazy Steve.

He's a salesman, and he does very well.

Okay, Brian, here you go.

A scarf!

That's right, hand -knitted by Grandma. I remembered how cold it gets in here.

Mom, the house doesn't get that cold.

Oh, honey, maybe not for you, but these children have no body fat.

Here you go, Lynn. This will keep you nice and warm.

Oh, thanks, Grandma. It's beautiful, and...

It's very important for children to wear warm clothing. I cannot emphasize that

enough. Mom, the children have plenty of warm clothing.

As a matter of fact, we just bought them new jackets and sweaters. Honey, you

cannot get really warm clothing in a store.

Well, so far, the kids have been able to survive these brutal Southern

California winters, Mom.

Kate, are you being sarcastic?

Yes, I am being a little bit... Darling, that is so unbecoming. I hope we're not

going to fight.

Maybe Grandma should stay with Crazy Estelle.

No, Grandma.

Stay with us.

Mom won't fight with you.

Will you, Mom?

No. No. I don't want to fight.

Well, good. Neither does Grandma.

Okay. You kids help me with my luggage.

There you go, Brian.

And tonight, I'm going to make you a nice home -cooked dinner.

Well, Mother's here.

It's only for a couple of days. Yeah, I know.

Yo, I have a question.

Is Grandma staying here going to affect me in any way?

Help!

I'm locked in a garage.

I'm without food.

Someone please call Mike's Pizza Barge and order one humongous with everything

on it. Oh, yeah, wait a minute. Make that everything except beets.

Emphasize that. No beets.

Oh, never mind. My jailers are here.

It's about time. I was beginning to feel faint.

Many pardon for the delay, Lord Shumway.

He must be hungry. He didn't even say great.

Great.

Oh,

great food, Kate. You finally learned how to cook.

My mother made that.

Really? I'd like to beat her.

Al, you're going to have to stay in the garage for a few days.

Why? Because I insulted your mom's cooking?

Come on. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Alf, you can't come back into the house because my mother's going to be staying

with us until Tuesday.

Let her stay in the garage.

Well, I can't let my mother sleep in a garage.

Oh, right. Let the mutant sleep in the garage.

We don't think of you as a mutant.

Do you think of me as your son? No.

So I'm somewhere between a mutant and your son.

I'm a game show host.

Alf, it's just for three days.

That's enough time for my spirit to be broken.

Don't you think you're being a little overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic.

Kate, there's no TV in here.

We can let you use the small TV.

The black and white one with the one -inch screen?

Good. I'll tape it to my eyes.

Why don't you just tell Grandma about me?

Alf, we can't. Oh, fine.

The charade continues.

Besides... I don't think you and my mother would hit it off. Don't be silly.

I get along with everybody.

I'm a people alien.

Well, you've never come across anyone like my mother.

What is it with her? I mean, she walked into the house and took over.

I hate when people do that.

Some people are not as considerate as you are.

Well, I think what we have here is your basic parent -child dynamic.

Every daughter feels the way you do about her mom.

Well, not every daughter.

Oh, oh, absolutely not.

Look, all I'm saying is your mom knows how to push your button.

Now, I suggest you confront her.

Alf, I can't confront my mother.

Why not? I don't know. I guess it goes back to my childhood.

You see, I was an only child, and I think that...

I think that my mother was overprotective of me. In fact, I think

me too much.

Why am I telling you this?

I don't know. I'm barely listening.

I didn't eat all my banana bread.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was great.

Mom, do you think I could get the recipe from Grandma?

It wasn't that good. No, I don't even know why I said that.

Oh, good say.

Here, Brian, why don't you put that right by Grandma's suitcase?

Here you go.

A nice home -cooked meal.

Must be Grandma's recipe.

Just eat it.

Mom, Grandma's going to be gone in a half an hour. Right, right.

I got through three days.

I can last another 30 minutes.

Where is Grandma?

She's cleaning the bathroom.

I just cleaned that bathroom yesterday.

And she did a great job.

That's not what Grandma said.

It was spotless.

Al,

Al, get back into the garage. My mother is still here.

I've had it with the garage.

And I've had it with your mother.

This is my home.

This is where the bathroom is.

Al, Grandma's in the bathroom.

What does she have, squatters, right?

That does it.

I'm going to have to file a grievance.

Mom, Alpha, she's coming. Alpha, the kitchen. Go, go. I'm going, I'm going.

Boy, somebody took a grumpy pill.

I'll get it.

Who packed my suitcase?

Uh, I did.

I thought you might want to save time.

Look at this. You put all my underwear on the top.

Kate, that is so kind of you.

Grandma, it's for you. It's crazy Estelle.

I wonder what that crackpot wants now.

Too much oregano, honey.

What is it, Estelle?

What do you mean you're going to be late?

Don't you see that?

See that you always do that to me, Estelle. You know I hate running for

I... Well, you are aggravating me.

Oh, come on.

Everybody likes me.

Fine. Just go to Hawaii by yourself then.

Yeah, I hope you fall into a live volcano, Estelle.

Good news?

Thanks. Joey has to be late. Like a...

sickness with her.

You are still going to Hawaii, aren't you? The woman is so selfish.

I mean, that's all she thinks about is herself. Self, self, self.

You want to know why she's always late? Because she spends two hours putting on

makeup.

As if anything could help that face.

You are still going to Hawaii, aren't you? She was actually late for her own

husband's funeral.

And her makeup was on crooked.

Matter of fact, so was his.

But you are still going to Hawaii, aren't you?

One thing is certain. I am not going to Hawaii with a crazy woman. I'm going to

stay right here.

Garbage disposal.

You know, your mother really is amazing. You can see yourself in those tiles.

Who cares?

Not me.

I guess I was just talking off the top of my head.

I'm sorry.

But it's driving me crazy the way she's treating me like a child.

I don't know. Maybe you should do what Alf suggested.

Maybe you should confront her. Right on.

Alf?

Who else?

What are you doing under there?

Trying to keep warm. The garage is freezing.

Listen, I couldn't help overhearing the grandma discussion.

How long have you been under there?

Just the last few nights.

Anyway, about grandma.

Were you under there on Sunday night?

Don't worry.

Slept like a baby.

Didn't hear a thing.

Now, what are we going to do about grandma?

I don't know, Al.

I don't know what we can do about her. Well, I can't sleep under here every

night. You got that right.

And I'm not living in the garage any longer.

Unless you decide to put in a hot tub and a big screen TV.

Forget it. Okay.

Then Grandma has to go.

Here's my plan.

You tell her that the house is built on a fault line.

Then some morning you wake her up and scream, Earthquake!

Earthquake! And you guys walk around the house going, Whoa!

Whoa!

I don't know.

How does that go again?

Whoa, whoa. More arm motion.

There you go. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

So what if we do tell her about Alf? How could we tell her? Kate, what would we

say?

I guess we just have to sit her down.

We'd have to ask her if she'd ever seen E .T.

Why do you keep comparing me to E .T.? I'm nothing like E .T.

You know, someday, Willie, someone from Melmac's going to ask me what you're

like. And I'm going to say, well, did you ever see The Nutty Professor?

Oh, for crying out loud. The best way to tell Grandma about me is to do it

quickly.

I'll go wait in the kitchen for her. She usually has a snack around now. No, Al.

You will not talk to her. You will do this our way.

Okay. Don't get your nightie in a knot.

It's your house.

I respect that.

Good night.

Hey, go for it, Willie!

Well, this ought to be good.

Here she comes.

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, my God.

Have a seat.

Who are you? What are you?

A little background.

My name is Alf. I come from the planet Melmac.

I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own.

And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine.

Cup of java?

I know.

I know. You're something Willie made.

He's always making crazy things in the garage.

Take my word for it. I'm a space being.

And since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you so hard to get along with?

Kate's easygoing.

Is she adopted or something?

Anyway, my advice to you would be lighten up on her.

Be nice.

Oh, yeah. Another thing.

Stop poking me.

We'll talk again when you're a little less touchy -feely.

Good

morning,

Grandma. Oh, my God. It wasn't a nightmare.

Sit down. Take a load off.

You mean you actually do live in this house?

I thought we covered that last night.

I guess you two have met.

It introduced itself last night.

Listen, I know you wanted to introduce me, but...

I couldn't stand being in the garage any longer. There was a spider in there

this big.

Well, now you know, Mom.

We live with an alien from outer space.

Kate, I had such high hopes for you.

I sense some negative vibes here.

Why don't we just discuss it over breakfast?

Good idea.

Good morning. Morning, Grandma.

Morning, Al.

Uh -oh.

Always right.

You met Al. Isn't he great?

Is he going to eat at the table with us?

Al always eats with us.

What does he eat?

Kibble?

I resent that. I don't even know what kibble is, but I resent that.

This is wonderful.

He sits at the head of the table.

Oh, Dorothy, he's comfortable there. I don't really think it makes all that big

a difference.

Well, I only figured that the head of the household should sit at the head of

the table. It doesn't matter where anyone sits. We all know who the head of

household is.

Juice? Yeah.

Oh, how about some of those Belgian waffles with the sugar sprinkled on

You know how I like them. We're having pancakes, okay?

Fine, if that's all we've got.

He sits at the head of the table. He decides what you're going to have for

breakfast. This little mop from the moon is running your house.

Mop from the... Mop from the moon? How could you be so ignorant?

There are no mops on the moon. Ha!

I didn't mean that literally.

I meant that as an insult.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Well, if I had a straw and a napkin, I would fill you so full of

spitballs... Do you know he's talking to me? Listen, either she goes or I go.

Which is it, Kate?

Do you actually have to think about this?

No. Yes. Wait a minute, Blake.

Blake, nobody's leaving and nobody's staying.

Good strong stand, Willie.

No wonder you don't sit at the head of the table.

Well, I never thought my own daughter would want to throw me out of her house.

Grandma, no one's throwing you out.

You have wanted me to leave ever since I got here.

Got that right.

Ow. Well, it's true.

Would you just stay out of this, please?

Is that true, Kate?

Tell her.

Yes.

Yes, it is true.

Kate, a little less direct.

Mom, you drive me crazy. You come into my house, you take over, you make me

like I can't do anything right.

Well, I... I don't do that.

Yes, you do.

Al, you have turned my daughter against me. You have used some cosmic powers

to take over her brain.

Grandma, no one's been brainwashed.

Mama's felt like this for a long time.

She was just afraid to tell you.

You know, this is your fault. You are responsible for this whole thing.

I make things happen.

I'm a catalyst.

Listen,

I love you, but this is our house.

And as long as you want to be in this house, you're going to have to follow

rules.

What? What kind of rules?

Uh, no going for rides in the dryer.

No chewing on any part of Lucky's body.

Al, those rules only apply to you.

So fair.

Why does she get to chew on Lucky?

She doesn't. She doesn't.

The rule was no going for rides in any appliance.

Well, look, you know, I don't know if I can memorize a whole bunch of rules.

There's only one rule that's really important.

Treat your daughter like an adult.

You did a wonderful job of raising me. Why don't you trust me to do the same?

Oh, Katie, I do trust you.

I don't.

I will. I want to. I love you, Kim. I'm sorry.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Just mellow out, Granny.

Come on.

Let's have breakfast, huh?

Great. I'll make breakfast.

Mom, I'll make breakfast.

Oh, honey, every time you make pancakes, they come out watery. Mom.

Yes.

Okay.

I'll just go sit down way over here.

Here you are, Brian. Try this on.

Oh, no.

Not another gift.

What are you trying to do, buy the kid off?

It's too big, Grandma.

You'll grow into it.

Until then, Willie could use it as a car cover.

Oh, sure.

Go ahead, make jokes. And after I made you a gift.

A gift for me?

Let me see, let me see.

What is it?

A muzzle.

Very funny, very funny.