Original subtitles

What can I tell you, Kathy? My parents aren't home yet.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm going to get the car. They already said I could use it.

No, I promise we won't miss the concert.

Bye.

We missed that concert!

Unbelievable. I know. They're an hour late.

No, I'm talking about Wall Street Week in Review.

This guy is sitting there with a straight face talking about gold like

valuable or something.

But gold is valuable.

So is time.

You're kidding.

You may not believe this, but on Melmac, gold is worthless.

On Melmac, the most valuable thing is foam.

Foam? Yeah.

My great -uncle Shumway once said, I'm heading out west.

There's foam in them thar hills.

Well... Foam is almost worthless here.

What about gravel?

Gravel's cheap, too.

Huh.

Wax? Yep.

Boy.

Alf, I got some more lint for you to save.

Dump it.

Kathy, I told you I'd call you the minute they got home.

Fine. If it'll make you feel better, go stand by the curb.

Bye.

Hey, even silver has value.

That's them. See you later, Al.

Oh, no, it's a tow truck.

I didn't order any tows.

The car broke down again.

So what's the connection to tows?

Mom, Dad, what happened to the car? The engine.

And the differential.

And the brakes.

Al, you better go in the kitchen. The tow truck driver's coming in. He's

us bring in the groceries.

Then who's bringing in the tows?

Just go.

Well, there go my concert plans.

I'm sorry, Lynn. We're as upset about this as you are. It just seems like my

friends are always driving me someplace. And then when it's my turn to drive,

something always happens.

I'd like... to be more sympathetic, but ice cream is melting on my shoe.

I'll call Kathy and cancel.

Sorry about my tow truck breaking down.

What do you suppose the odds were on that one?

You can just set those down anywhere.

Oh, that's okay. I'll carry them right into the kitchen. No.

We like to unload our own groceries. It's kind of a family thing.

I know what you mean.

We're the same way.

Well, how much do I owe you then, Bert?

Well, the tow was 49, but then I owe you 63 .50 for the new battery. Of course,

your wife sat on my glasses, so let's see.

Carry the four.

Call it 50 bucks.

But who owes who?

That's a good one.

Cash will be fine.

There you go.

You know, I hate taking this money from you.

You folks are going to have to shell out plenty to get that car fixed.

How much do you think it'll be?

Well, you're looking at a couple of grand to repair the engine and another

for the differential.

Plus, your tires are shot. That's got to run you... carry the

four... I think we got the picture. And also, you may want to consider a new set

of brake pads.

We should have never told you with the emergency on.

My mistake.

You're too kind.

I'm sorry. I got a grease spot on the carpet. No, no, no.

I'm sure that this will take care of it.

No, don't worry about it.

Thanks. Thanks again. See you, Bert.

You can come out now, Alf.

Well, I've canceled my concert plan.

But before I go into my room and listen to the pretenders on tape instead of

seeing them in person, I would just like to say that I wish we had a second car.

Have a nice evening.

Why don't you buy her one, Willie?

What? A car.

Spring for it.

We can't afford to spring for a car.

Now's the time.

4 .8 financing on every Chevy in stock.

On approval of credit, of course.

I believe our credit was used up in the repair to the roof of our garage, which

had been damaged, I believe, by an errant spaceship.

Thanks for not naming names.

Willie, what if we kicked in a little money to add to what Lynn has saved and

let her buy a used car?

Well, I don't know. We'd have to talk about it, that's all.

You have ice cream on your shoes.

Who has my pretender's tape?

Oh, it's in my Walkman.

I use it to do my aerobics.

How much money do you have in your savings account?

About $150.

What if we kicked in $150 with that? What kind of car would that buy?

A stolen one.

You guys would go in half with me on a car?

We could do that, as long as we were sure that it would amount to enough to

a safe one. Look.

I can't get a part -time job to earn more. There's an opening at Mr. Jim's

Chicken and Oysters.

We had a Mr. Jim's on Melmac.

But instead of chicken and oysters, it was dogs and... Don't say it, Al. Don't.

Why? It's not the same, Mr. Jim.

The one I knew was in prison. He got caught substituting hamburger for

Said it.

Said what?

What do you think, Dad? I think that's one of the most...

Pugnant things, I can imagine.

No, no, I mean, can I get a job?

Well, honey, do you think that you can handle a job and go to school? I mean,

you're not exactly getting straight A's. All the more reason to start a career.

Nobody asked you.

Well, if I had to wait for an invitation, I'd never speak.

I'll put away the groceries.

How many more questions are there on this stupid test?

Five more on chicken and three more on oysters.

Oh, and there's a two -part essay on citizenship.

I am so tired.

Is it really worth all this trouble just to get a jalopy to drive around in?

Yes, Al.

I want a car more than anything.

Well, then you better get cracking here if you want to be wearing Mr.

Jim's feather and shell insignia.

All right.

All right. What's the next question?

Question... 126.

While preparing the clock and shuck combo, the chicken should be A, breaded,

B, baked, C, washed.

I'll go with C, washed.

Wrong.

The answer is A, breaded. You're not supposed to wash them? According to Mr.

Jim, chickens wash themselves.

Don't wash chickens.

Don't wash chickens.

All right. Question 127.

An oyster should be thrown out when... A.

It turns brown.

B. It turns black.

C. It turns over.

That's right. Take your time. Think before you answer.

Lynn?

Lynn?

Yo, Lynn.

I'm going to guess brown.

Dan, I thought you might want... Shh.

She's asleep.

The poor thing.

You're killing her, Kate.

She can't work and go to school at the same time.

You're robbing her of her youth just because you won't spring for a car.

Is that cocoa?

I can't believe you're saying that to me.

Why not? It smells like cocoa.

All right, it's Coco. Let's get back to this car thing. Now, we made a deal with

Lynn.

We'll contribute half. She's to earn the other half. But it is Coco.

Yes, it is.

I knew it.

Do you want the Coco, Alf?

Are there marshmallows in it? No.

Pass. Fine.

But some hot coffee would be nice.

I guess she didn't hear me.

Here you are, sir. The pullet and gullet platter.

Chicken on the half shelf for the lady. Thank you. An oyster dog and a Mr. Jim

game card for you.

What do I do?

You scratch off three oysters and win a pack of cigarettes.

Which is the chicken and which is the oyster then?

This tastes like fish.

Then that's the chicken.

You did everything right, Lynn.

It looks fine.

You served it beautifully. I just don't think I'm really all that hungry right

now.

You don't have to be nice, Dad.

That was the worst thing I ever ate.

I just serve it, Buster.

We're supposed to say that.

I'm going to go change.

I won! I won!

Mint's all right!

I'll take that.

You know, Willie, Lynn hasn't said anything to me, but she's been so good

this whole thing.

Maybe we should let her buy a car now, and she could pay us back little by

little. Gosh, Kate, I thought we decided.

I think it's important that she sees this thing through.

Mmm, something smells good.

You can have mine.

Later. Where's Lynn?

She's changing. Why?

You'll find out in a minute.

Lynn!

Got something for you. Meet me in the garage.

Bye.

What has he done?

Maybe nothing.

Maybe.

What's going on? Al?

Out here.

I've got a surprise for you. What is it?

I'll give you a hint.

Hmm. You didn't need a hint.

Al stole a car.

I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.

I don't believe it. It would have been here last week, but I held out for Red.

I don't believe it. It's true. Everybody wants Red.

How did you buy this car?

I got it through my broker.

Broker? What broker?

The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time.

You bought a car?

Yes. The papers are in that envelope.

You have gold?

Had gold.

All the plumbing on my ship was gold.

Except for the bidet.

That was platinum.

Uh -huh.

Alf, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.

Oh, you're just saying that. No.

No, I mean it. It's incredible.

Checks of Cose and Klein, investment brokers.

Dear Alf, congratulations, or should I say congratulazioni.

I sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds in that mango farm

in Oxnard. All the best, Joel.

Look at this interior.

The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private

arboretum. And check out these wheels.

Chrome. From Rome.

Oh, feel the leather.

Virginoc.

Albino virgin.

Oh, my gosh, Willie, look, a cellular phone.

Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie. Park your carcass on that

Virginoc. Yeah, come on, Dad.

Yeah, Dad, park it. Yeah.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm not getting in that car. I can't. Al, we're not keeping the car. What?

Why not, Dad?

Yeah, Willie.

How come?

Because it's wrong.

Because it's wrong.

Why don't we just needlepoint that into a sampler?

Look, we're not keeping a car that cost $60 ,000. $90 ,000. $90 ,000.

What's bugging you, Willie?

Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?

That has nothing to do with it.

We are returning this car. Call Joe.

I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.

Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.

You want to see how the Gucci airbag works?

It's obvious you cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a

Ferrari. All right. We'll go into the kitchen. No, we'll go into the kitchen.

You stay here.

Come on, William.

Don't touch that airbag.

Fine. I'll just preset the radio.

Joe.

I know what you're thinking. I'm the ogre. I'm the wet blanket. Willie, no

is thinking that.

I am. Me too. I see.

Dad, you're not being fair.

The car was a gift.

No, no, no, no. A gift is a tie -tack.

A pen and pencil set, maybe a bowl.

We have all of those.

We need a car.

Look, I think we're losing sight of what we agreed on here, that things are

appreciated more when they're earned, not when they're just handed to us.

There's no way I could appreciate this more.

I'm sorry, Lynn. I'm sorry. I just don't think that a 16 -year -old girl should

have a $90 ,000 Ferrari.

Unless she's a professional tennis player.

I'm not about taking tennis lessons.

I don't think that's what your father meant.

I'm afraid the car is going back.

This is insane. We're actually going to give back a free Ferrari. Yes, we are.

First thing tomorrow.

But Joe's in Palm Springs.

I'll talk to Schechter. I'll talk to Klein.

It doesn't matter. Lynn, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about this, but this is the way I feel.

And I think in time...

You'll come to respect my decision.

It may not be today.

Obviously, it won't be today.

It won't be tomorrow either.

Willie? No, no, no.

This is not happening.

Oh, my God.

I'll play Robert.

He's gone.

There's an alien out there on the road somewhere in a red Ferrari.

Maybe no one will notice.

What do we do, Dad? We can't call the police.

We can't call the auto club. We can't even call Joel.

He wouldn't have gotten very far. Okay, if that car goes 180 miles an hour, he

could be in Mexico by now. We've got no choice. We've got to call the police.

All right, all right. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go next door. I'm

to try to borrow Trevor's car.

Dad, it's for you.

Not now. Not now. Just tell whoever it is. I'll call him back later.

He's going to have to call you back later, Al.

Al! Al!

Willie, my man, I got to tell you, this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you? What happened?

I don't know.

All I did was turn the engine on before I knew it.

I was on the freeway.

What freeway? The one headed for Oxnard.

Hey, while I'm there, I think I'll check out that mango farm.

Forget the mango farm.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not a limited partner.

Nice move, buddy.

Yeah, you're another one.

Billy, where is he?

He's on his way to Oxnard.

Oxnard. Al, Al, pull off the road. Pull the car off the road.

I can't.

I'm in the fast lane.

Although you'd never know it by the way these clowns are driving.

Come on, lady. This ain't a parade.

Al, don't yell at the other drivers. They'll see you.

No way. I'm driving too fast.

Hey, ever hear the turn signal?

Just look, Al. Listen to me.

Look at the road signs. Try to find out. Look at exactly where you are.

Well, uh, I just passed the Motel 6.

Hey, they're having a beekeepers convention.

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

Gotta go.

Tell me, tell me where you are.

Okay, okay, I'm right near the... Ow, ow.

Oh, no.

Look, I can't give you any more information. I just need to know which

your motels is having a beekeepers convention.

They all are?

Thank you very much.

Will? Nothing.

We even went to the police to see if there'd been a report. But, you know,

from a pig falling off of a U -Haul trailer and an inordinate number of bee

stings, it's really, it's been quite a quiet night.

piece of junk.

I'm going to call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the springs.

Forget the phone. Forget Joel.

You've just crashed into our garage for the second time, I might point out.

I'm sorry, Willie.

I really am.

I think I might need glasses.

Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.

Now, Willie, calm down.

May I just say to you, I think it's very irresponsible of you to take the car

out on the road like this, to endanger your life and the lives of others, and

make us worry.

And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.

There have been some fun times.

Tell them, Kate.

There have been some fun times, Alf, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of

them.

what you've done!

All right, all right, calm down.

Don't worry about it, Willie.

I'll pay for it. And how do you propose to do that? Well, I'll call Joel

tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.

You'll do that? You'll call Joel?

Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned,

in the springs.

That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?

I suppose so.

I suppose it does, Alf.

I'm glad you weren't hurt.

Thanks. Of course, I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything.

Just kidding, just kidding.

Uh, that'll be Mrs. Ockmonick about the hedge.

The hedge?

I'll get it.

Mr. Tanner?

Uh, that'll be the people across the street.

Does your insurance cover front porches?

I'll be right back. Don't.

Leave town.

Al, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done.

What have you done?

Well, uh, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees.

The rest is a blur.

I better go see if I can help out.

I think I'll turn in early tonight.

Bucket wrench.

Gasket.

Gum.

Say, I know you don't like me to ask, but what's going on here?

I'm getting the old crate in shape, William.

You're fixing my car?

Hey, we have to save where we can.

Did I tell you the mango grove went under?

You mean it went out of business?

No, it went under.

What is a fault line, anyway?

Under the ground?

Is that what Joel told you? I trust him.

I'm gonna ask him for the details when he gets back from Paraguay.

Anyway, there you go.

You're a one -car family again.

Well, thanks.

Why do you do that to me? Because it's funny, man.

Say, where'd you ever learn about fixing cars anyway?

I used to watch Route 66.

You pick things up.

That's amazing.

I'll tell you what's more amazing.

That George Maharis never got another series.

Anyway, the car's purring like a kitten.

Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

Elf, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to thank you for this. No

problem.

I think I'll just back up and take it out for a spin.

Crowbar.