Original subtitles

Well,

he can't be perfect.

It's only toothpaste.

Hey, Willie!

You can come out now!

Be right there!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy anniversary!

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy anniversary!

What's going on here?

The lyrics too complicated?

Happy anniversary!

Yeah!

Well, Al, this is all very nice.

Yes, thank you, thank you, but the only problem is... Problem schmoblin'! Sit

down and relax.

The old Alper's doing it all tonight.

Al! The cooking, the serving, the cleaning. Of course, once you two get

bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

What's going on? Looks like the old Alf are throwing us a surprise anniversary

party. Just a little informal nothing.

Lobster pate?

I thought you two were going out tonight.

What? Well, Alf, that's what we were trying to tell you. We have plans.

We're going out to see Nicholas Nickleby. And the tickets were very hard

We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. I mean, cutting...

Roses, so they look like radishes.

And making pate.

And very good pate, too.

What's in it? Let me guess.

There's lobster, there's sour cream, but there's something else.

Play -Doh.

That's it.

The fluorescent kind.

I wanted it to be special.

I'm just going to go brush my teeth.

Al, if you'd told us about this earlier, we might have been able to change our

plans, but... Hey.

It's okay.

We'll just celebrate your anniversary without you.

What do you say, Lynn? It'll just be you, me, and Brian.

Sure. I'm not hungry, but it sounds like fun.

Ready, Mom.

Brian, party tonight.

Be there or be square.

I can't. I'm sleeping over at Scott's tonight. His turtle died. I'm going to

flush him down the toilet.

You're going to skip a party to flush a turtle?

I get to hold hands?

I gotta go. Uh -oh, give me a kiss.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

So, Lynn, looks like it'll be tea for two.

Hey, Mom, if I don't have to babysit for Brian, then I can go over to Julie's

house, right?

I guess so.

What's she flushing?

Nothing.

But she just broke up with her boyfriend, and she needs someone to eat

with. Why don't you just invite her here?

Oh, yeah, right.

It's the old, if someone sees the alien, they'll turn him in excuse.

It's beginning to wear a little thin.

I'll bring you some ice cream.

Think you can buy me off with food?

Make it rum raisin.

I'll see you after the play. Okay, honey.

Bye -bye, love you. Love you, too. Have a great time.

Happy anniversary.

Looks like it's just me and the Coquille Saint -Jacques.

I think I got most of it. My teeth aren't glowing, are they?

Willie, Lynn went over to a friend's house. I guess I didn't think about

we should leave Alf here by himself.

Did I mention the fondue flambé?

I don't see why we shouldn't trust him.

And the sizzling fajitas.

I guess we should stay.

These tickets cost $100 a piece.

He'll be fine.

You're really going, huh?

Listen, we'll be back right after the play.

Yeah. Eight hours of Dickens? Take a pillow.

I saw it on PBS. It's unwatchable.

And the guy who plays Wackford Squares sounds like he's from Brooklyn.

And I'll tell you another thing.

Guess who Smike's father turns out to be?

Ralph Nickleby. Ha!

Have a good time.

lucky. You busy?

Feel like shooting the breeze?

Probably on the phone with his friends.

I'm Dr. Laura Schrock, and we're back with Jody on the line. Are you still

there? I'm here, Dr. Schrock.

Jody, what do you think is the cause of your loneliness?

Well, for one thing, Los Angeles seems so overwhelming.

Moving here was like moving to a different planet.

I could relate.

I'm just so afraid of rejection.

People react funny when they find out I'm not like them.

I could relate to that, too.

Sometimes you have to risk being hurt if you want things to change.

Put yourself out there, Jody. You'll find a friend.

Hey, Jody, you like redheads?

Thanks for listening, Dr. Schrock.

Sometimes it's important just to have a caring person to talk to. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Stay on the line a second. We have a pass to Magic Mountain for you. Our

number, once again, is 555 -4455. We'll be right back after this message.

555 -4455.

Hello? Hi, hi, this is Al.

Yeah, let me speak to Jody.

That emotional basket case that was talking a minute ago.

Why not?

Well, can you give her my number?

Yeah, it's 555 -8531.

Tell her she found a friend.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, this is Alf.

Oh, Jody.

Nice of you to call.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Jody, what's up, babe?

No, subtract means to take away. Plus means to add.

Shut it up, and it's good.

Three points.

In polite society, one doesn't cut one's toenails in the living room.

Why not?

Because it causes one to barf up one's dinner.

Go on.

Just don't do it.

Fine.

Oh, hey, get that, will you? It's probably Jody.

If it's Jody, why don't you get it?

What if it isn't?

I'll get it.

Hello? It's Jody.

Who? Jody!

I know. I just like to hear the sound of her name.

Who is it? Jody!

I'm sorry.

It's just the Jody business.

Oh, I know. It's getting a little out of hand.

Yeah, hold on a second, Jodester.

Could you all step out on the porch for a few minutes?

I'd like some privacy.

Why don't you use the kitchen phone?

No problem. Just hang up when I tell you.

I don't know about this.

This is the third time they've spoken today.

I think it's nice that Alf has a friend outside the family.

Hang up!

Now!

I just wonder where this relationship is going to lead.

It doesn't have to lead anywhere.

Is Alf going to get married?

No, not... Why?

Have you heard something?

Oh, don't worry about it, Jodester. It's just a gravy boat.

I'll talk to you later.

Nobody walk barefoot in the kitchen.

How's the Jodester?

Terrific. We have so much in common.

We both love cats.

Of course, I like mine with a side of fries.

Love has made me a klutz.

Now, you know, we're all really happy that you found a friend outside the

family, but... Yeah, I can't wait to meet her. Meet her? Mm -hmm. Didn't I

you? We have a date tomorrow.

A date?

Alf, you can't go out on a date.

Why not?

Have you looked in a mirror lately?

No, mine's broken.

Oh, by the way, don't walk barefoot in the laundry room either.

Alf, uh, if you go out with Jody, Someone will see you. No, they won't.

I'm going to Jody's place. But Jody will see you. That's where I lucked out.

Jody's blind.

Blind? Blind.

Al, you can't go out with her.

Because she's blind?

Yeah, Mom, because she's blind. This has nothing to do with her being sightless.

Say the word, Kate. She's blind.

Her blindness isn't the problem.

Then what is the problem?

Don't you have some homework to do? It can wait. No, it can't.

Yes.

Alf, we don't have anything against Jody. Great. Can I borrow the car?

No. I won't let Jody drive.

What happens when Jody starts asking questions like where you came from?

Sherry knows.

Cincinnati.

Cincinnati? Mm -hmm. What else did you tell her?

Everything.

I told her about my business, wholesale band equipment, and my two lovely

children. Your children?

The twins.

From my brief marriage to Kathy Rigby.

Alf, I think it was wrong to lie to her.

I know.

But what else could I do?

But eventually Jody's going to learn the truth.

Not if Kathy Rigby keeps her mouth shut.

Being Jody at all is much too dangerous.

You know it, and we know it.

So, uh, what you're saying is I can't have any friends.

Alf, you have lots of friends.

I'm your friend.

Brian's your friend.

I'm your friend.

See, you have lots of friends.

Uh, including me.

Yeah. Just no friends outside the family.

If you need me, I'll be in my room.

Alone again.

Naturally.

I'd clean it up, but I'm too depressed.

Well, Mr.

Ginsburg, I guess it's just you and me.

What do you want to do?

Sing?

Play charades?

Go to a sock hop?

Ha! Ha!

Sock hop!

Oh, no.

I've killed my only friend.

Hey, Alf?

Excuse me.

Yes? What?

Alf, how would you like... That's my sock.

Dad. Oh, right.

Alf, how would you like to go outside and throw around the old frisbee?

The old what?

The old Frisbee. Here, I'll show you how it goes.

I guess I'm not in the mood.

We're just trying to cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up. I'm happy.

I've got my cot, my washer -dryer combo, and I'm talking to socks.

Okay, okay.

If you want to play, though, we'll be right outside.

Fine.

Brian better wear a face mask.

Being you like this.

I hate to be like this.

I feel like streaky Macintosh.

Streaky who?

Macintosh.

Back on Melmac.

We were orbit guards together.

He didn't have any friends either.

Of course, he was obnoxious.

Am I obnoxious?

No, Ralph, you're not.

Good.

I'm sure things will get better.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not the one who just bought a one -way ticket to Lonelyville.

No, but I do understand.

Oh, do you?

Well, I guess it would be like me never being able to leave the house

or to see anybody else for the rest of my life on this planet.

That's terrible.

Hurts, doesn't it?

I mean, Dr. Schrock says we should take risks, but how can I take a risk when

there's no one to take a risk with?

I'll help you.

You'll what?

I'll help you take that risk.

We've only got three hours.

Where's the styling mousse?

Top shelf.

Cologne. Bottom shelf.

Falcom powder.

Under the sink.

Mouthwash. In the medicine cabinet.

Mop. Never mind, let's go.

Nobody walk barefoot in the bathroom.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Well, how do I look?

Like a real hunk.

A hunk of what?

No,

really, a hunk of what?

Okay, cut and clear.

I thought she lived alone. How come she has all these rooms?

This is where Jody lives.

No, I still think I should have brought her something, you know?

Some flowers, some candy, a Rambo doll.

Al, you don't have to bring her anything.

You mean you gals don't care about that sort of thing?

Well, we care a lot, but it's too late.

Maybe not.

Let me see what Willie's got in his coat.

Ah! Oh, my gosh, it's somebody's hand!

It's a glove.

I'll be back at nine o 'clock.

Sharp. Nine, right.

Okay, sharp. Sharp, sharp, right.

What are you doing?

Don't let her know you're an alien.

All right already.

Okay. Okay, bye.

All right, bye.

Bye. Bye.

Nine sharp, not an alien.

Nine sharp, not an alien. Who is it?

Oh, not an alien. Oh, I mean, no, no, no.

It's me.

Al, hi.

I'm Jody.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, please, you don't have to bow.

Nice place you have here.

In case you were wondering.

Thank you.

I decorated it myself.

In case you were wondering.

Shall we sit down?

Oh, good idea.

There's a chair right in front of you. I wondered what that was.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I made food.

Great. Good friends.

Good food.

Tonight is kind of special.

Would you like some shrimp hors d 'oeuvre?

Shrimp or what?

Hors d 'oeuvre.

Hmm. That's a tough choice.

I'll go with the shrimp.

Oh.

I get it.

Shrimp hors d 'oeuvre.

Cat

hair.

Oh. I'm so embarrassed. I thought I got them all.

Version, 78.

Could be a 79.

You'll probably be covered with hair by the time you leave.

Oh, hey, I'm used to it.

Oh, tasty vittles.

Oh, good.

Well, I was worried you wouldn't like it.

Nowadays, you don't know what to make. You never know what people will eat.

Some people won't eat red meat, some won't eat sugar, some won't eat fried

or dairy products.

Oh, thanks.

They were delicious.

Here you go.

Were?

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed them. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want some?

Actually, I'm too nervous to eat.

I eat when I'm nervous.

You're nervous, too?

Mm -hmm.

Of course.

I also eat when I'm not nervous.

I eat when I'm depressed.

I eat when I'm bored.

I eat when I'm lonely.

I eat all the time.

I'm a little overweight.

I'm short.

I'm blind.

You'll win.

Well, how about some music?

Oh, the stereo's to your right.

Thanks. If you hadn't said anything, I might have played the lamp.

What would you like to hear?

Oh, anything by the Archies or the Partridge family.

I don't have any of those.

Well, then just stick on anything by the chipmunks.

There's someone calling you.

Where?

Alf, I'm blind, but I'm not deaf.

Alf! Alf, come on!

It's Kathy Rigby, isn't it?

No, it's the girl I'm living with.

What? It's not what you think.

She's only 16 years old.

It's worse than I thought.

My parents are going to catch us.

Yeah, yeah, coming.

I know this doesn't sound good, but I can explain everything.

Just tell me the truth.

The whole truth.

I can't tell you the whole truth.

Actually, I can't tell you any of it.

Except one thing.

I really care about you.

I care about you too, Alf.

And I'm asking you to trust me.

Well, you're asking an awful lot.

I know I am.

But remember what Dr. Schrock said.

Sometimes you have to take a chance.

But it seems that I'm taking a bigger chance than you are.

You have no idea.

Yeah, in a second.

Jody. Are you willing to take a chance on me?

Yes. Good.

Then let me ask you something.

Alf, you've got to leave right now.

It's nine o 'clock.

So, how about it?

Sounds good.

Good night, Alf.

Good night, Jody.

We made it.

Oh, my gosh, the bathroom's a mess.

Hi.

You're late.

Sorry, we had to make a little stop along the way. Yeah, well, we thought

what you said before about wanting a friend.

So, here.

This is Sparky.

You got me a rat.

Nice gesture.

Same genus, different species.

They taste exactly alike.

I'll take him back tomorrow.

Tonight.

Come on, Brian. Let's get you to bed.

So, hi, everybody. The bathroom's clean.

Great.

You know, Lynn, I'll never forget what you've done for me tonight.

Well, the important thing is that it's over.

Yeah. At least until Saturday.

Saturday?

Guess who's coming to dinner?