Original subtitles

Thursday, 6 .30 p .m.

It started out like any other night.

Meatloaf. The third time that week.

But I digress.

Here's what happened.

I was being my usual charming self, spending some quality time with the

lad.

See, when you bend Mr. Manifest this way, he becomes a communication

Whoa, I'm impressed.

Yeah. What does missile man become when you bend him like this?

He becomes broken.

Sorry, B.

Lynn, we're going to be late for the shower.

Has anybody seen the yellow ribbon?

I don't know. What color is it?

Ha! Yeah!

I kill me.

Ha -ha! You kill me!

Glenn, no arguments. It's time to get ready for bed, okay?

Oh, sorry, Al. I guess we'll have to play later.

Obviously not with Missile Man.

Oh, wait. Here's that ribbon.

But it's wet.

Forgot to tell you. You're out of floss.

Maybe there's a chance I can find some ribbon without meat on it.

Not in that drawer.

I might have some meatless ribbon in the garage.

Forget the ribbon. A blender doesn't need ribbon.

Okay. You have Joanna's number, right? We won't have any problem. Brian's going

to bed. I've got a lot of reading to catch up on, and I'm sure Alf will find

something to do.

Make sure he doesn't.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hey, don't worry about the old Alfer.

Gentle Nine's running psycho.

Oh, by the way, we're out of popcorn.

I'll put it on the shopping list next to Floth.

No chance to run out now and get it, I suppose.

Right. I'll just see if I can scrounge a few kernels from the sofa.

Ready. What do you think?

I love that dress.

Thanks. Willie, we're leaving.

Hold on, hold on. That was Herb from the office.

The computer's down. He can't access the files. I've got to go in and reload the

backup. You have to go now?

I've got no choice. The budget's due tomorrow.

Honey, we can't leave Brian alone.

I'm here. Well, maybe I could take him with me.

It's a school night. He goes to bed in ten minutes. I'll stay.

Well, you can't. You're in the wedding party.

I'm not.

This is just great. What are we going to do now?

Um, hello.

How about me?

For what?

To sit with Brian.

What do you think?

Do I think we should let an alien from outer space watch Psycho while our son

sleeps in the other room?

Hey, no problem. Just leave me the keys to the liquor cabinet.

Maybe we can get Mrs. Ekmanek to sit.

Good idea. I'll call her.

Nice to know I'm trusted around here. Alf, Alf, Alf.

When you ask for the keys to the liquor cabinet... Hey, William.

I was kidding.

Ha -ha.

I mean, don't you get it? You think I'd actually go near the liquor cabinet or

even take my eyes off the kid for a second?

Come on, get with it. These are the jokes, man.

The jokes.

The jokes. Yeah. Oh.

Ha -ha.

I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood.

I guess if we knew you were kidding... Mrs. Ogmonic will be here in five

minutes. Thanks. God.

So, this is my prison for the night. It's not a prison.

It's our bedroom.

One man's bedroom is another man's prison.

Well, there's plenty to keep you occupied. We've got magazines. This is a

puzzle.

It's broken.

That's the object.

You're supposed to put it together.

Why? I didn't break it.

Here's your favorite comic book, Shauna, Mistress of the Universe.

I don't want Shauna.

I want Mrs. Bates.

Alf, we'll run psycho another night, okay? Now, if you can just promise that

can stay completely away from Mrs. Akmanek, then maybe in the future we'll

you babysit.

Don't toy with my emotions, Willie.

Look,

Alf.

You think you can keep your end of this bargain?

Mrs. O will never know I'm here.

I'll get it. Oh, Al. Just kidding, just kidding.

Come on, where's the fun around here?

Oh, you're a lifesaver, Mrs. McMonic. Oh, please, it's Raquel.

And it's my pleasure.

Trevor's watching some stupid ballgame, so this works out just fine.

Channel 9 is showing Psycho. So I hear.

Willie.

Have you been having trouble sleeping lately?

No, why?

Well, far be it for me to pry, but recently it seems your TV has been on

late.

You know, now you mention it, I really have had trouble sleeping lately.

You know, I couldn't help but notice how much garbage you've been putting out

lately. Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you've been taking in

forders.

You know how it is when I can't sleep, I...

I eat.

My Trevor is the same way.

Is this a new land?

Mrs. Zygmanek, Mrs.

Zygmanek, I really have to go now. Here's the number. I'll only be gone a

of hours.

Don't worry about a thing.

Oh, and please stay out of the bedroom, if you don't mind. It's kind of a mess.

Whatever you say.

Please stay out of the bedroom.

Does he think I am?

Nope.

Thank you. The room seems very nice.

Yes, sir.

Let me open it.

Why, thank you. Meanwhile in the bedroom, I was just finishing the jigsaw

when I heard the haunting strains of the movie.

I so desperately wanted to see.

Thank you.

I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles.

An hour later, you're hungry again.

Yo, Pizza Barge. Yeah, I'd like to order one large special, The Works,

to travel.

167 Hemdale.

Grazie. Oh, oh, and listen, uh...

Could you leave it by the oak tree in the backyard?

I don't know. I'm superstitious.

Please. I can't wake you.

No, Mother, I won't. I decided

to go outside and wait for the pizza.

Big mistake.

Trevor, get over here quick. I think there's somebody else in this house.

Trevor, what took you so long?

The Dodgers batted around.

Now what's so important that I have to leave the game? I think there's somebody

else in this house. I heard a scream.

Don't wake me up when you come home.

It wasn't...

The scream I heard came from the back bedroom.

Maybe it was the cat.

No cat would scream like that.

Maybe it was in heat.

It sounded like a human scream and it came from this room.

All right, all right.

I'm going in.

If I don't come back, you can start dating.

I've already tried it. It's locked.

Now it's open.

What, are you narrating this?

He even told me to stay out of this room.

Look in the bathroom.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey! Trevor, what is it?

They got one of them cushioned toilet seats.

Let's get one, Raquel. I'm tired of living in the dark ages.

Just check the window, will you?

Yeah, it's locked.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back and watch the Dodgers blow a big lead.

As for me, my only thought was to get back to my room and rake myself.

A light snack would hold me over until the pizza came.

Unfortunately, Lucky had the same idea.

Pizza barge.

One soup for Sicilian.

That's me.

Here's your pizza.

Sorry I couldn't leave it by a tree. It's against company policy.

I don't understand.

Well, you see, the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.

No, I didn't order a pizza, and I refused to pay for it. Lady, it's

for. House account.

Oh, in that case.

What about my tip?

Is this enough?

Sure. In some states, I can still make a phone call.

They could still make a phone call.

Trevor, did you order a pizza and have it sent over here?

What are you talking about?

Well, the strangest thing just happened. A pizza ride already paid for.

You're telling me you got a pizza there?

That's right.

I'll be right over.

Trevor, you're not going to believe this, but it's gone.

What's gone? The pizza.

You didn't even leave me a slice.

I didn't eat it. It disappeared.

Trevor, something's going on in this house between us. The noises and the

screams and this pizza thing.

What are you talking about? There's a pizza over there on the counter.

Well, I'll be go to the market. It's back.

I'll be go to the market? Yes, it's back.

Delicious.

Could be a little hotter.

Just stay here and watch the game. I don't want to be alone.

Take it easy, Raquel.

I haven't seen you this bad since the eclipse.

Fine. Then you tell me where the pizza went.

I'll do better than that.

I'll tell you where it's going.

I had done everything I could think of to pass the time.

One thing was certain.

Blue was not my color.

Hello?

What are you doing answering the phone?

I live here.

Where's Mrs. Egmonic? She lives next door.

I know she lives... Where is she now?

I don't know. Last time I saw her, she was giving away my pizza.

I called to speak to Mrs. Akmanek.

Just a minute, I'll get her.

No, don't move out of that room. I'll call back.

You're done.

Kid.

Hello?

Why do you keep answering the phone?

You keep calling.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

Oh, oh, and the cat's going to be okay.

The cat? What happened to the cat?

I closed the refrigerator door on his tail.

What were you doing in the kitchen?

Well, I had a break in the back door after I fell out the window.

Where are you now? What are you doing?

I'm in the bedroom wearing a blue dress.

Don't move from that spot.

Where would I go?

I don't have the right shoes.

I'm coming home.

I should have locked them in the garage.

Forget about it, Raquel. I'm not putting my pants back on.

I think I saw somebody in the bushes.

Maybe it was another pizza.

Operator, this is an emergency.

What's the number for 911?

And then it happened.

He came into my life.

At first.

I thought it was Santa Claus.

Then it soon dawned on me.

Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine.

Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to

him.

I was scared stiff, but I knew I had to do something.

I realized for that moment I was the man of the house.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

May I have a word with you?

Who said that?

I did.

Can you take some constructive criticism?

What you're doing here is wrong.

Must be one of them talking dolls.

Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?

So I heard.

No, no, Mrs. O 'Connor.

I don't know what's going on here.

I hope the police get here soon.

Police? Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in

your bedroom.

Lynn, take Mrs. O 'Connor into the kitchen and give her some tea.

Okay, Mom.

Come on, Mrs. O 'Connor. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?

I'd prefer scotch.

How was the shower?

In the world?

Alf, what are you doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Linz.

You've really done it this time. Any semblance of faith or trust I had in you

is... I could explain. What could you possibly say that would explain what's

happened in this house tonight?

Tonight, I set a thief on the straight and narrow.

What are you talking about? Willie, my jewelry box is missing.

So are my good gold couplings, and my good watch. And my antique cameo.

Where are they?

Probably being pawned.

Wait a minute. What? Look.

Look. There really was a thief in the toilet tonight, wasn't there, Alf?

Two of them.

One took your jewels, the other took my pizza.

The police are here.

What'd you do, Alf?

Sure. Blame the guy in the dress.

Don't make a sound.

Stay right here.

And take off that dress.

All right, but I feel it only fair to warn you. I'm not wearing anything

underneath.

Come on, lighten up.

What?

Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, we're responding to your call.

Can you identify this property? That's my jewelry box. Those are my cufflinks.

This man chased our car for two blocks, claiming he'd stolen this merchandise.

I did. I swear I did. I deserved a maximum penalty.

Relax, pal.

If you'll come down to the station and fill out a report, you can reclaim your

property if you want it.

Fine. Let's go. Ask him. You said you'd ask him. Now ask him.

This man claims he saw some hideous creature with a huge nose.

Wearing a blue dress.

He says it talked to him.

It did. I swear it did.

Thank you, Lynn.

I think I'll be going home now.

Well, at least you can't plead insanity.

Good night.

Willie. I know what you're thinking, but we got through it.

Everything's all right.

Everything's back to normal.

Hey, could somebody zip me in here?

On May 18th, Andrew Themenik was convicted in municipal court of breaking

entering with intent to commit burglary.

He waived his rights to a jury trial in lieu of psychiatric help.

Mrs. Raquel Achmanek wasn't as fortunate.

She was sentenced to life with Trevor.

As for the old Alfer, I remain my usual humble self, unaffected by the events of

one very strange evening and my heroic participation in them.

So, anyway, there I was, looking Mr.

Death in the eye.

Was I scared?

Ha! I said to him, Hey, pal, you don't know who you're dealing with.

Sausage, Willie, I said sausage!

I'm telling you.