All language subtitles for 1977 - Cherry Hill High

Hey, Sarah, write something in my
yearbook.

Okay. Be good.

If you can't be good, be careful. If you
can't be careful, name it after me.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, lady.

We find the strangest places to get.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, lady.

No matter where if it was warm, we got.

And the strangers played there together.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

No matter where if it was warm, we got.

Woodruff?

Look around you, girls. No sign of the
despoliation of man.

I wouldn't mind a little despoliation by
a man right now.

It is out here, away from the pollution
and the racket of civilization, that we

really see nature's wonderful creatures.

Oh, look, over there, a horny toad. No
wonder, out here so far from

civilization.

And over there, that group of saplings
springing from tiny nuts. They are now

erect and growing.

Isn't nature wonderful?

nature in the raw.

Isn't it spectacular, Michelle?

I don't imagine there's anything quite
like this in France.

Wow! No, Miss Woodruff, nothing quite as
spectacular as this.

Yes, there are things out here that you
simply can't see in town.

Up there, for instance, those darling
woodpeckers. Aren't they something?

You sure?

No, Miss Woodruff, it's a CB radio.

Oh, a CB.

What's that?

Citizens Band. You can talk to people
who have them out on the road and pick

messages. Oh, that's marvelous.

How does it work?

Well, you just press this button here
and...

Beavers? What on earth is all that talk
about beavers, Peaches?

Oh, well, there are a lot of forest
rangers who use this frequency, and,

Well, what was all that about a dragon?

Dragon?

Oh, dragon!

The beavers were dragging sticks, you
know, to build a dam.

Baby, this is Piledriver.

Hey, baby, what's your handle?

My handle?

Eager beaver, good buddy.

Wow!

camp? It's all

right,

girls. The gentleman said we could camp
here for the night. Oh, good. I like it

here. It'll be nice.

Well, let's go.

Well, let's go.

Come on

Hey,

this is for me Wow

© transcript Emily Beynon

There's so many boys for you to choose.

Meet a deep sea diver.

months locked up in an all -girls
school.

Then we go and tack on another two weeks
on an all -girl biking tour.

With Miss Woodruff, the virgin surgeon
of the biology department, the

Boy, what I wouldn't give to be bawling
in the backseat of the drive -in right

now. It's been a long, dry spell.

I'll say.

It's been a long time.

Sure has.

Hey, Allison, how long has it been for
you?

About 18 years.

You're still a virgin?

Oh, dear.

Hey, you guys, she's a maidenhead.

Good method of birth control, Allison.

18 years old and never been stripped.

Me, too.

Oh, see.

And me.

Well, Sarah?

Isn't it awful?

Humiliating. Catastrophe.

It's unbelievable.

How could five girls like us? Clever.

Talented. Beautiful.

Stuck. The point is, we gotta do
something about it. And fast.

We're going to college this fall.

Yeah. All those divine college guys.

We have so much to offer.

So much experience.

How are we gonna compete with them if
we're still...

We've got to do something and fast.

But how?

Just fall for the first creep who comes
along?

Of course not. We're Cherry Hill Girls.

When we do it, it'll be original.

Wait. That's it.

We'll have a contest.

A contest?

Yes. To see who can lose it in the most
original way.

That's a good idea. That's the best
idea.

How are we going to do it? Wait.

We've got...

A problem.

Oh, yeah. Miss Woodruff, the virgin
surgeon.

She's so repressed, she covers up all
the road signs that say yield.

She's wheeled her charity to the medical
school for a transplant.

She's so cold, her gynecologist gets
frostbite.

Turn around.

We'll be lucky if we get eaten by
mosquitoes.

Oh, stop.

You're turning me on.

Shrug her.

Tie her up.

Tape her mouth.

Blindfold her eyes.

I post a 24 -hour...

Hello, Miss Woodruff.

Good morning. Good morning, Miss
Woodruff. Good morning, girl.

Gee, do you think one of us should thank
that nice farmer for his hospitality?

Or do you suppose he's already started
his plowing?

I took care of that last night, dear.

Well, we're all ready to go.

What's our plan for today?

Where are we going?

Well, first I'd better scout up ahead
and cover up all the yield signs on the

highway.

Oh, Miss Woodruff. Oh, I'm really sorry,
Miss Woodruff.

I didn't mean it.

Girls, I'm going to have to talk to you

very seriously.

You know, I'm not one to eavesdrop, but
I couldn't help overhearing your

conversation last night.

And I must say, I could hardly believe
my ears.

It's made me seriously reconsider the
manner in which we shall have to conduct

this trip.

I can see I'm going to have to take you
girls firmly in hand.

You need to be taught a lesson, and it's
up to me to teach you.

Girls of your age and your
opportunities, I'm shocked, shocked,

to discover that all of you are still
virgins.

Where'd you lose yours, Miss Woodruff?

At the first Beatles concert at Shea
Stadium.

Gosh, are you that old? Well, all right,
girls.

Let's talk about the ground rules. Now,
we've got two weeks on this trip, so

that's the time limit.

Any deflowering after that is
disqualified, even if it's with the

the United States.

What's so original about that?

And two, nothing uncorroborated.

comes in here saying they've just made
it with Evel Knievel on a motorcycle

jumping the Long Island Sound, they
better have witnesses.

Witnesses? Come on, they're not crazy.

Well,

it is a contest.

But of course, every scientific
experiment needs witnesses.

Well, I always perform better before an
audience.

Hey, you guys, I guess that's it.
Everybody shake hands and come out

Cherry Hill, Cherry Hill, will we do it?
Yes, we will. We're the girls who've

got it made, so come on, girls, and
let's get laid.

Remember,

originality and flair.

Don't worry about me. I do everything
with flair. You?

You'd be a pushover for the first boy
who fell out of the blue. I would not.

fighting. None of us are going to go
falling for the first boy who drops out

the blue.

Where's his telephone pole?

That's really something.

My name's Larry.

What's yours?

You'll never need to know.

My name's Kippy.

Hey, are you really going to battle a
shark tomorrow?

Uh -huh.

Wow.

Where?

Hey, can I have a look?

Come on.

Hey, Kippy, the frisbee!

Oh, come on.

Charge!

Yay!

Two, four, six, eight. What do we
appreciate?

The opening to this movie.

Yeah, uh, wait, what?

Nurse, I can't believe you didn't pick
up on this.

In less than one minute, we got
thrusting crotch at the camera. In less

seconds in, a girl gives a clay statue a
little clay dong.

In less than two and a half minutes in,
a girl makes... like a tit -growing

formula in chemistry class. At exactly
three and a half minutes, a shaking car

gives a girl an orgasm. Less than 30
seconds later, naked boobs in the

This is what you call perfection in 70s
exploitation. This takes seriously no

time at all to introduce our characters,
not by name, but by sexual means.

And at less than 10 minutes in, the
girls are topless at the stream.

They were?

Were they really topless?

Now, you see, that's one of the great
things about some of these movies. They

are in such bad shape that you can't
really tell, so there shouldn't be any

for stuff being censored or a problem
for sites like YouTube and whatnot.

But you know what else I love about this
movie, Nurse?

The soundtrack?

Holy shit, the soundtrack is something
that I love in this movie.

It's not what I was going to say, but
let's talk about that music.

This movie comes from this weird time in
which...

there was this softer than soft rock
stuff that played in movies,

in movies about girls blossoming into
womanhood.

Ugh, never say girls blossoming into
womanhood like that ever again.

Fair enough.

These coming -of -age stories for girls
often have these overly weepy songs

about finding love and being in love and
everything being okay with love.

However, I'd argue that really what that
song is trying to say is that a girl

just needs some good old deep dick in in
order to really enjoy life. And let me

tell you, I don't think anyone I've ever
dated have ever felt that they needed a

hot beef injection in order to get
enjoyment out of life.

You don't say.

What's that?

What? I didn't say anything.

Okay.

Anyway, it's this whole idea that a
girl's eyes are suddenly opened once

have sex. It's a very stupid and very,
very seven to you. And that leads me to

one of my favorite parts of this first
segment.

Not so much that I think this was clever
or good or even all that watchable, but

it's funny in one of those ways that a
couple of guys sat at a typewriter and

had to kind of hammer out this kind of
dumb detail in such a kind of dumb way.

These girls decide that they are about
to go off to college in a couple of

months, and you'd think that this would
be an exciting time, but that's not the

case here. You see, these girls are real
bummed out.

that they haven't had any of that good
old vitamin D.

They're all virgins, and if they don't
get laid before college, well, they'll

behind the other girls at school.

Oh, no.

I know, right? And the girls decide
that, you know, they're going to do a

contest to see who can lose their
virginity in the most original way. But

-oh, SpaghettiOs, there's another
problem.

Oh, no, not again. What could it
possibly be?

Well, their teacher, and I guess
chaperone, Miss Woodruff, is the

She's perceived as this kind of sexless
ice queen, and they need to drug her,

tie her up, and blindfold her so they
can go off and get that dick.

But Miss Woodruff isn't such an ice
queen after all.

You know, while they were talking about
what they were going to do to her, she's

getting plowed by the farmer who let
them stay at their place.

for the night.

And then the next morning, Miss Woodruff
says she's going to help them get

deflowered. She says that they have two
weeks. Two weeks? Two weeks to get that

sex. But first, let's go to the beach.

Are there guys there?

One guy. Does he happen to wrestle
sharks? Oh boy, does he?

Let's get back to the movie and find out
if Kippy and the shark man get the

business.

Shark! Oh, I meant to ask you, where did
you go to school?

I went to Imaginary Nurse Technical
School.

Ah, yeah, that's very prestigious.

Did you do any extracurricular stuff
there?

Yeah, I was a varsity checkers player.

I even made the state a couple times.
Well, hot damn!

Where did you go? Oh, me? I went to
Brown County Anima High.

It stunk.

Hey, Avalon, you ever battle anything
besides sharks?

Could be.

You handle anything else the way you
handled that frisbee?

I'm good with my hands.

With my legs, too.

I keep in shape.

Yeah? You ever done underwater in a cage
with a shark?

Done it with a shark?

No, I mean with a man.

The same tank as the shark.

Oh.

No, not exactly.

But it might be... a music.

Golly, he's incredible.

You're not so bad yourself, kid.

Are you sure this is safe?

Don't worry about a thing, kid.

The old fixer -o is out. What do you
mean?

The setup.

I flipped him a thing.

Isn't he a real shark?

Hustler? Sure.

We're old buddies.

I raised him from a pup. Why do you call
him Hustler?

I raised him in a pool.

He's a pool shark.

Don't you mind being all alone like
that?

Nah. He's a lone shark.

Hey, you didn't shave.

I never shaved before a match.

One little nick and it's goodbye
abalone. What do you mean?

Blood.

Hustler got a whiff of that blood when I
was in there with him. He'd tear me

apart. But what about the big match to
the duck tomorrow?

Won't one of you draw blood then?

I told you, kid. It's a waltz.

I get down there with a knife.

We wrestle around a little bit.

And I break open a bag of cocktail sauce
and bam, the lights go out.

Oh.

Say, kid.

What do you like in a sack, anyway?

You a real tiger?

Why? Are you afraid Hustler would get
jealous?

Is he a tiger shark?

You can can the jokes, kid. I just want
to know what you like when we get down

to it.

Well.

Um, I'm a real animal.

Yep. When I get turned on, I just let
go.

Yeah.

Hey, that's great, kid.

But look, I, uh, I don't want you
getting carried away down there. None of

biting, uh, scratching, uh, drawing
blood, you dig?

Oh, yeah.

Hustler.

Right.

Well,

I guess if we're gonna do it, let's do
it.

Hey, do you think Avalonio knows Kippy
is a virgin?

Of course he doesn't.

Why? Well, you heard what he said about
his shock and blood.

My God, you're right. What do we do?

Not much now.

Kippy, that was a great opening to a
great contest.

Breaker one -nine for a beaver on a two
-wheeler.

You got a beaver. Is this pile driver?

That's a big ten -four, eager beaver.

Hey, are you coming back with me?

Sure looks like she is to me.

Well, it just walked out of a bad, bad
situation.

The kind I always try to avoid.

People just shout and give it.

Edgar Beaver?

Edgar Beaver?

think that should count.

Well, I don't know.

It was original, and it was pretty sexy.

It is not so original in Paris, but
sexy?

Ooh la la.

Sexy or not, the question is, does that
count for the contest? I mean,

technically. What did you do exactly,
Peaches?

How about it, Miss Woodruff? Is Peaches
still a virgin, or has she crossed the

great divide?

It's rather an existential point. True,
she was not deflowered in the

traditional classic sense by a man, but
virginity is as much a state of mind as

a state of body, and therefore I think
she qualifies. But I'm only giving her a

4 .8. I'll give her a 6 .9 for trying so
hard.

And I'll give her a 7 .5 because that
was terrific.

Anyone know what the weather report is?

I'll call and find out.

Good morning. The forecast is sunny,
warm, and available.

Larry? At the tone, it'll be time to
make a date with me downtown.

Where are you?

Oh, Larry.

Now, about that date?

Oh, all right, I'll meet you in town.

But it won't do you any good.

Hey, what's taking her so long?

Well, what's it gonna be?

Available. What?

Nothing. Uh...

Let's take a left here and go on into
town.

Come on.

Hey, you made a date with that telephone
lineman guy, didn't you?

Well... A telephone lineman?

Oh, Allison, that's not very original.
How could you?

Oh, Allison, you can do better than
that. Yes. Come on.

That's pathetic.

Larry, Larry.

So that's how it is, Larry.

I never thought I'd be telling you this.

But I... I guess I like you too much to
lie to you.

I never thought I'd be saying anything
like this to a boy I liked, either.

I guess you think I'm pretty awful.

I don't want to let down the other
girls.

They... Well, it means a lot to me.

You understand, don't you?

Well, sure.

I understand.

They kind of respect you.

You just don't walk out on that kind of
commitment.

Besides, it'll be a hell of a lot of
fun.

You're darn right it will.

So, you're from the town.

Yes, just a local small town lad.

Ah, typical American.

We are just passing through.

Oh, I hope you find our little town
diverting.

Well, we need to place the camp over for
the night.

Do you know of some place?

Why, yes, as a matter of fact. I know a
charming spot.

A lovely deserted old mansion just
outside of town.

The grounds are wonderfully
accommodating.

And... Yes?

They say it's haunted.

Is this the place?

He said it was supposed to be haunted.

This is the place.

And his ghost still walks at midnight
when the moon is full.

Wandering heartbroken through the empty
castle, searching for his lost bra.

I think that's enough ghost stories for
tonight.

We'll all be too scared to sleep if we
aren't already.

I'm surprised to hear you say that, Miss
Woodruff. You're a scientist like me.

We do not believe in the ghost.

No? Well, gosh, you scientists sure are
brave.

Yeah. Now me, I'd be scared to go poking
around in a haunted house.

Unless, of course, you don't believe in
ghosts.

Now, to be really scientific about it,
you've got to go in there and check it

out. Oh, me, no.

I mean, of course I'm not afraid, but...
It is not my house.

I could not go inside... Don't be silly.
The place is abandoned.

There's no one there to mind.

Except, perhaps, the ghosts.

Go on, Michelle.

Have a look.

If there is a ghost in there, maybe
you'll turn him on.

Making it with a ghost.

You could win by a landslide. I'd have
to give it at least a nine.

Go on, Michelle. It's a fantastic
opportunity.

Unless, of course, you're afraid.

Please, Miss Woodruff, just until we see
if it is really empty.

I'm not afraid of ghosts, naturally.

But there may be, I don't know, hippies
or something.

There you go. Take it easy. It's just...
Now, really, Michelle, if you're going

to be scientific about this, you can't
start losing your head over every little

thing. It's just a draft blowing a door
shut.

A simple scientific principle.

You wait here, and I'll go find you a
comfortable room to sleep in. Please,

Woodruff, I'd rather go with you.

Nonsense. There's absolutely nothing to
be scared of.

Now, you just wait right here.

Here, take this.

It's just your candlestick.

Candlestick? Yes.

Now, pick it up.

Pick it up?

Yeah, pick it up and get a hold of
yourself.

I've got to find you a room.

Now, Michelle, I know you're a very
attractive young lady, but I hardly

Pick up the candlestick and just come
along with me, okay?

Miss Woodruff?

You're on your own.

Now remember...

Haunted house!

and gone on that telephone lineman.
She's got that long -distance look in

eyes. Yeah, looks like she's really hung
up.

Do you think she's fallen for his line?

Oh, can it, will you? I have not.

Isn't it a beautiful day, girl?

May every day seem different when you
are a woman.

Big deal.

What a bunch of crap.

Are you the girl with a heart condition?

I have orders to take you.

Sorry, Larry, you'll have to do better
than that. And I don't have a heart

condition. Whatever you may have
thought.

Tiger 1 -9 for a beaver on a two
-wheeler.

You've got a beaver.

Hey, pile driver, you've got an eager
beaver, good buddy.

Is this pile driver, isn't it?

That's a big 10 -4, eager beaver.

How big, good buddy?

Bitch.

Uh, eager beaver, what's your 20?

I'm riding rocking chair on a cherry
convoy rolling eastbound from the Big

looking for the big worm.

You come to the right place, eager
beaver.

Take a left at the mixing bowl and head
for the junk jockey junction.

I'll ball you there.

Is it not I will ball you there?

Roger, double 88's pile driver.

Keep your nose between the ditches and
the smokies out of your bridges. We

I wouldn't mind doing it with him.

Yes?

Uh, yes?

Ever want to race?

Okay, drivers, roll your heaps onto the
track and get ready for the start of

this great figure eight race.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

Watch this.

Hey, you guys, that's nowhere. I broke
my ass for that. I was out there among

all that flying tin, and I did it in the
back seat of a car.

I think Kippy killed the first person
she ever had sex with.

Like a shark smelling blood from a
freshly deflowered virgin, I'm starting

pick up the scent of an anthology. Each
girl is going to have some sort of mini

-adventure of their own on the road to
Bonesville.

Now, after Kippy killed that dude, our
next virgin, Peaches, gets picked up by

biker, and the biker removes her clothes
roughly...

and then throws her to the ground, but
the biker turns out to be a woman. A

woman? Indeed.

She has boobs and everything.

And I am curious if this was part of the
plan. I mean, it is original compared

to what the girls set out to do, but, I
don't know, I thought the girls had to

get guys?

No, I don't think it was explicitly said
it had to be straight sex.

I mean, the girls do say it was sexy,
and they do debate the merit of the

beeswax, but... The biker liked the
action because she apparently gave

trophy. Next up, Blondie Goody Two
-Shoes Allison likes Larry the phone

man. But seeing how he's just a loser
-ass phone line man, well, she's not

to use him for the contest, I guess.

Meanwhile, the French redhead Michelle
meets up with another European guy at a

haunted house.

Ooh, spooky.

You know what else is spooky?

The haunting tale of the missing
backpacks and camping gear? Indeed.

These girls are supposedly on a two
-week camping bike ride, and they have

nothing but their clothes and their
bikes.

They wear different clothes each day. I
mean, they sleep in a sleeping bag every

night. Where are they packing these
clothes and everything? I mean, we do

some small sleeping bags rolled up on
the girls' bikes, but they often have

different clothes and shoes on, and
that's not...

getting easily rolled up into that
sleeping bag. I'm just confused.

Not nearly as confused as I was about
why Michelle got such high grades for

losing her virginity in a coffin with a
goober dressed as a ghost.

Yeah, I'm a little confused by the
scoring system myself.

Why would any girl rate any other girl's
romp in the sack better than her own

first time? What makes screwing a ghost
in a coffin better than screwing a guy

in a pool with a shark?

only for the guy to die by said shark.

Yeah, and what's the story with how much
worse peaches got rated for doing it

with that biker lady?

Yeah, was that some sort of lame no
-homo deal?

I mean, were they, like, saying, all
right, girls, this is a 70, so we better

make sure that we only get greasy, hairy
dick. Only greasy, hairy dick.

None of the sexy biker chick looking to
sex up one of us sexy cycling chicks.

That's just not going to work out.
That's just no good.

At least I could see what the two girls
were doing.

Right? Anyway, speaking of peaches, who
also goes by the CB handle Eager Beaver,

because of course she does, she's been
flirting this whole time with a guy

Piledriver, because...

Of course she is.

And he's a trucker and a race car
driver.

And he has her meet him at the local
racetrack where she gets into a car with

him while he is driving all over the
track like a drunk monkey on a greased

snow sled.

And he wrecks and this gives them the
chance to fuck while he's getting towed

away. Was it a race or was it a
demolition derby?

I don't really know. That's an excellent
question.

I think it was just the case of poor
camera and editing work because it

like sometimes the cars were going in
one direction only for the next shot to

show them going in the opposite
direction.

But that said, it would have been best
to have made the thing a demolition

because that would have been a perfect
analogy.

Most people's first time at sex is a
whole lot like a demolition derby. Shit

running into other shit.

Things are all over the place, you're
making passes that only make you swerve

into walls, and it doesn't really last
nearly as long as you hoped it would.

How about those bitches giving Peaches a
bad score again?

I know, right? No shit.

We wouldn't have room for unsupportive
jerks like them on my varsity checkers

team. Exactly. No room for them on the
Brown County Enema High School Fight and

Fart and Competitive Speed Proctology
team either.

Well... We're going to get back to the
movie, and there's a brief part in this

movie that lost its sound. I don't know
what's up with that, but there's nothing

wrong with your speakers.

There's just a few moments in two
sections of the same theme that are

muted. So just like with this movie,
just kind of stick with it.

Well, girls, shall we stop and visit one
of these wineries?

Oh, I don't know. I'd be afraid.

I hear those wineries are all friends
for the mafia.

Don't be silly, Sarah.

How about this one right here?

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

Uh, let's try the next one.

Hey, I wonder what they make here
besides wine.

Here,

take one of these. You could use it.

Oh, come on now.

Hey, come on, you guys. Get up now.
Another day, another lay. Hey, with

wood chips.

Oh, the virgin surgeon.

What if we try to hang gliding, water
skiing, a pogo stick, a skateboard?

What about a barrel of an Agra Falls?

Larry, Kibby's already done it in a
threesome with a shark fighter and a

shark.

I could really fall for you in a big
way, Allison.

No, Larry.

No, no.

Well then, I guess it's just no use.

No use, Larry.

You'll never make it. You couldn't be
part of the contest.

Okay, then.

It was fun knowing you, Allison. I hope
you win your...

No,

you'd never be right for the contest,
Larry.

You're just too nice.

Come on, guys. Last one. There's a
rotten egg.

How about some lolly? Yeah, man.

I said, girl, I got stuff that can't
compete.

So suck on my jawbreaker, I'm not
messing around.

I wouldn't sign a bookie, baby.

Didn't think about it twice. I don't
love y 'all on the inside. Don't mess

around.

I wouldn't sign it for you, baby.

No, I wouldn't.

Because now...

Want to bite my drumstick?

And I said, what? And give up showbiz?

No, actually, we're doing three shows.
It's a big deal here.

Is this the real It's a Big Deal with
Trip Shaw?

It sure is. Are you kidding?

This here is curtain number one.

And this is curtain number two.

Jeepers? I mean, eagles.

What divine stuff.

And wait till you see curtain number
three.

Egged on by ambition, egged off by the
audience.

What's this?

Are you the booby prize?

Sometimes a booby, always a prize.

No, I'm finished here. Yesterday. But
they hired me for the week union

regulations.

And it's good to have a strong union.

See what's going on over here?

Come on, let's get those geese over
there. Sarah?

Sarah?

Hey, hi, weirdos.

I'm Trip Shore, and are we going to have
some fun today?

Okay. Okay, who's got some dental floss?
Dental floss.

Oh, oh my God, it's King Kong.

Here you go. Here's five big ones for
the big monkey.

Now, that's not so bad for dental floss,
right?

But that's not such a big deal, right?

But today, somebody's going to get a
chance to try for what's behind our

curtains. And if they pick the right
curtain, let me tell you, it is a big

Camera one.

Where's camera one?

Oh, okay. There it is.

Oh, ho!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, and I saw... Are

you sure they won't be using this set

today? Oh, absolutely not.

Hello? What do you mean the new set
won't be here in time?

Oh, Christ.

Sam, Sam, roll in yesterday's set.
There's been a screw -up.

21 -inch color TV and this beautiful
new...

Keep the car or you can have what's
behind.

Chicken!

come up with something really terrific.

Larry hasn't been around lately, has he?

Larry? Larry? Oh, yes, I remember. The
boy from the phone company.

I'd forgotten him completely.

Oh, you have?

Allison. Yes?

You know, this contest isn't the most
important thing in the world. The other

girls will understand if you've
decided... That's just it, Miss

do respect me. That's why I have to keep
faith with them. I mean, what kind of

student council president will let
some...

sentimental feeling about a boy stand in
the way of getting

What is it, Allison?

sexy. Bye.

I'm sorry, but I just can't.

Why? Is it because I'm blue?

No, it's not that. It's just that I'm...
Well, I'm in love with someone else.

You never give up, do you?

Oh, well, I've waited so long for this
moment.

Oh, Larry, so have I.

Larry, no, not like this.

What do you mean, not like this?

Isn't this originally enough for you
yet?

No, I mean, I don't want it to be like
this with you, all gimmicky and weird.

I want it to be normal and beautiful.

I don't want to be part of the context
anymore.

I love you, Larry.

I love you.

What's going on?

Well, I guess some explanation is in
order.

I'm New Ordinary Telephone Lineman.

No, I can see that. Is this really your
estate?

Yes. Well, my appearance, anyway. And my
name's not really Larry.

It's Rupert Bitsig of the famous Long
Island Bitsigs. You're kidding.

I'll always call you Larry anyway.

Good. I took this job. I wanted to get
away from the old family name.

But I'm really a graduate student of
aeronautical engineering.

I designed that spaceship as a special
project for my doctoral thesis.

Of course, basically, it's just a
helicopter.

Oh, Larry, I think you're wonderful.

You're pretty special yourself.

Here we are.

Isn't Allison's new boyfriend out of
this world?

He looked a little spaced out, if you
ask me.

Hey, do you think if he and Allison hit
it off, he'll act up sometime?

Up? Maybe he'll have us all for dinner.

That is what I am afraid of. Oh, my God.
You don't suppose... Oh, poor

Allison.

My God, what will we write in the alumni
bulletin?

No contest, Allison.

This is for you.

You're the winner.

How was it, Allison?

What happened?

Tell us. Nothing happened.

Nothing? Nothing. What are you talking
about? Nothing happened, that's all. I

can't take this. But, Allison, we
thought for sure that... We were afraid,

We thought he might have eaten you. You
got us worried.

He was a perfect gentleman.

A Martian, a perfect gentleman?

He wasn't a Martian. Not a Venusian?

Wait a minute.

Don't tell us it was just Larry.

The telephone kid really made his
connection.

Oh, Allison, you're really a sad case to
pick up someone like that.

Well, so much for that. Miss Woodruff
has to pick you up. Hey, who is it? Who

it, Miss Woodruff? Who is the champion
expurgant? What, you guys?

Well, who won the contest, Miss
Woodruff?

Well, it's been an extraordinary
contest.

Each one of you has made a magnificent
effort.

None of you has anything to hang your
head about.

You peaches.

Your experience was really a wild one.

Your story was bold. It was violent.

It was shockingly different.

It was a story that could take place in
any American town.

There were 500ccs of motorcycle between
your lover's legs.

Unfortunately, there wasn't anything
else. Still, you certainly have

to remember.

Now, it's true that you got a low score
from the other girls on a technicality.

And I do have to take their scoring into
account.

as I evaluate your performance.

But certainly, you achieved one of the
most interesting variations on an old

standard location that I've ever seen.

And I have to give you a big ten -four,
eager beaver.

Sarah, you learned what it is to make a
deal. And you certainly didn't chicken

out.

She got chickened in.

And whatever the final outcome may be,
you certainly will be the most famous of

our outstanding group as the first girl
ever to lose her virginity live on

Nationwide TV.

Michelle, you were a little faint
-hearted at first, and I didn't think

a ghost of a chance in the contest.

But soon your scientific mind took over
and you really got into the spirit.

Au contraire. It was the spirit that got
into me.

No.

Michelle, whether you win the contest or
not, I know that the memory of this

experience will always haunt you.

Kippy, you took a sporting chance, no
question about it, in your bid to snatch

victory from the jaws of defeat.

You showed great daring as well as
originality of place, technique, and

of partner.

So this means that Kippy is the winner?
No, girl.

Kippy was magnificent.

Each one of you, in your own way, was
magnificent.

I'm proud of you.

But the winner is... Allison!

Allison!

Allison wins.

I mean, I can see Michelle or Sarah, but
Allison said she didn't even do

anything. And even if she did, with
Larry?

Especially because she did it with
Larry.

With a telephone lineman?

With plain old Larry?

Plain old Larry?

I happen to know a little bit more about
him than you all do.

I can inform you that he's the son of
the wealthiest man in the whole county.

Son of the wealthiest?

Oh.

What a typical American justice.

So he's rich. So what?

Now, what's so original about that? Why
does Allison win?

Because, girls, after all is said and
done, True love is the most original way

of all.