All language subtitles for Watermelon Man (1970).en1

(REGULAR THUDDING)

(GLASS CLINKING)

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79, 80, 80-jump, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

(SIGHING)

(PANTING)

(JEFF GRUNTING)

Come on, Harper!

Come on, Yale.

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

♪ My master's gone away ♪

JEFF:
Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast,
Muhammad Ali.

You're fast, all right.

Ooh!

Rabbit punch!

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

MALE NEWSREADER:
...damage estimated in the millions.

It's the third such outbreak
in this area this month,

and reflects the unrest
that has plagued the area

since early last year,
when similar conflagrations

arose all across the country.

- Morning, troops.
- Many attribute the action to...

- Hello, sweetheart.
- ...a predictable seasonal unemployment.

- Hey, Burton.
- The Governor pointed out that,

should another such incident occur,

he would be compelled to ask

for special Federal riot troops,

an action that no-one wants,
least of all the White House,

which has been hopeful
that such disturbances were over,

at least for the time being.

That's got to be the
smallest screen in the world.

They look like ants.

They're getting
very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to
only have 15-minute shows.

(CHUCKLING)

Get it?
Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it
yesterday, either.

It wasn't funny yesterday,
any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned
with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure.

Most people are just crazy.
They think that, at any moment,

a Negro's gonna hit 'em over the head
with a watermelon,

and steal their high school ring.

I think white people have to show
greater interest and understanding.

- How else...
- Look, Althea...

Your bus'll be coming by soon.

I like to give 'em a head start.
Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time!

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week
in the insurance game.

I want you to know that I feel

I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised.

You were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday, either.

- Don't kiss me.
- I wasn't gonna kiss you.

It's just that my shorts
are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch Daddy
run out the door?

- No, you may not.
- Oh, boy.

There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

PASSENGER:
There he is!

The son of a bitch!

Step on it,
you got him by fifty yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to
make a stop at this corner.

PASSENGER #2:
Have your exact change ready, folks.

(ALL YELLING)

Come on!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

PASSENGER:
Hurry up! Hurry up!

(PASSENGERS GROANING)

PASSENGER:
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

(PASSENGERS CHANTING)
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

(PASSENGERS CHEERING)

(PASSENGERS CHATTERING)

PASSENGERS:
Oh, shit!

(SIGHING)

Winner, and still
undefeated, folks!

Pay some
respectful homage, please.

Some applause, please?

- (WOMAN CLAPPING ALONE)
- (CHUCKLING)

Shows you have
good taste, lady.

Fare, please.

JEFF: Arrogant, arrogant.
They're all arrogant!

In the good old days,
back in the old South,

you'd have to
drive from back here!

(LAUGHING)

- Get it? Back of the bus?
- Why don't you take

all the money you save
racing this bus, and race a cab?

JEFF:
That is very funny.

(LAUGHING)
Hey, driver, you hear that?

I'm only good for

short distances.

Hundred yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

they just don't have it in 'em.

♪ Camptown race track five miles long

♪ Doo-dah

♪ Doo-dah

♪ Camptown race track
five miles long... ♪

JEFF: See you tomorrow, fans!
Same time, same station.

Yeah, not such a big shot
when it rains, are ya?

When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when it rains, it pours!
(CHUCKLING)

(HUMMING)

(SIGHING)

(SNAPPING FINGERS)
Come on, Joe.

Hey, Joe, come on,
come on, come on!

Mornin', Mr Gerber.

Ah, mornin', Joe.
How goes it?

Oh, okay.

Any rioting in
the neighbourhood last night?

Er... I don't see
any broken windows.

(CHUCKLING)

What's the matter? This place
ain't good enough to... to loot?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Mr Gerber!

The usual, Mr Gerber?

Oh, yes! Ah, but
make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit
under par this morning, hmm?

One double Polynesian
health juice comin' up!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, er... no offence about that, er...
that looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, Mr Gerber.

I know you don't go
for that sort of thing.

No, okay.

And, of course, if you did,

it would be very hard for
the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later,

all you cats look alike!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All us guys look ali...
Oh, Mr Gerber!

Here's to your health!

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, 'scuse me, Mr Gerber.

Hello? No, goodbye!

Hey, Joe,

there's an extra nickel
in there for you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr Gerber.
- Tip.

- Thank you, Mr Gerber.
- Forget it.

Okay, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

(GUFFAWING)

Hey, how'd you do
on the poker game, Andy?

Er, er... okay. Fine.

Hey, er...
when are you and Dotty

comin' over to the house
to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, er... soon, soon.
R... Real soon.

Five Saturdays in a row
I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think
y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's...
it's just that, er...

Okay. Then we'll expect you
next Saturday at five o'clock,

and no more excuses
about the children being sick.

ANDY: Well, actually, er...
Dotty hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts,
all of you, sluts!

Next thing you know,
you'll be smoking cigarettes.

Hello, there, Erica,

you gorgeous hunk of Sweden.

ERICA:
Norvay.

Norvay, Sveden,
what difference does it make,

as long as you're a blonde?

- (HONKING SOUND)
- Are you?

Just curious.
I mean, how many girls

are really blonde
all the way?

Collars and cuffs?
(GIGGLING)

Excuse me, Mr Gerber,

but I must get back
to my desk.

A dollar if you walk fast
and stop short.

Two dollars if you trot.
Five dollars if you run.

And ten dollars if you're
really a blonde.

(GIGGLING)

Gerber! In here.

Yassuh, Mr Townsend.

And fifty dollars if you're a fella!

(IRISH ACCENT) Ah, the top of
the morning to you, Mr Townsend,

and how are ya?

Gerber, sit down and stop
being so damn happy.

- It's depressing.
- Yes, sir.

Gerber, I am not
going to mince words.

You have turned in
a very disappointing month.

Well, I must say
I agree with you.

But, considering
the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out
it's a sub-productive month.

- I'm not asking why.
- It's income tax time.

And, though people die,
they seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well
come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...

I've got bad breath.
Bad breath.

You got something
much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration?
Midriff bulge? Er...

Dingy dentures?
Asiatic crud!

There! That's exactly
that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smartass.

A number one,
king-size smartass!

I'm the best salesman
in this office.

You were.

But your rate of new policies
is dropping.

Here, I've been going about

particularly trying
to sell policies

only to younger men

who can live longer,
and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy
to a 90-year-old man

with a cough
and the shingles.

Listen to me, Gerber,
your customers curl up their toes

at the same rate as all
of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course,
if 23 of my customers

go down in
a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise
the mortality rate!

What sailing boat?

- Er... in the squall.
- What squall?

Oh, no, no, it was the train.
The train.

Thirty-three of them went
right off the trestle.

- What train?
- Er...

w-would you believe
a-a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A-a-a volcano
in Poughkeepsie?

Er... mass suicides in Fire Island.

- Gerber!
- Okay, Mr...

Mr Townsend,

about your breath...
(GIGGLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, look, make it
easier on yourself.

Home, office?
Your house.

Okay, then. Tuesday?

Five-thirty. Very good.

Good show.
See you then, John.

(CHUCKLING)

Six outta six.
The kid does tricks.

(HUMMING)

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber,
Superior Standard Life.

Hey, how about that lunch
I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

MALE NEWSREADER:
Local black leaders doing their utmost

to keep their pledge to the Mayor.

The police are ready
if violence suddenly erupts...

(SIGHING)

What are you trying to prove
with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea,
I had a traumatic day.

Thirteen appointments
out of fifteen calls.

(CHUCKLING)

Is that all you watch?

Race riots?
What are you, perverse?

- It's an important problem.
- NEWSREADER: ...it was announced that,

should a request be made
for federal intervention,

army units would be
immediately made available...

- (SWITCHES TV OFF)
- I was watching!

I'm gonna have my dinner

without watching
a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down
on my TV screen.

Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful,
and don't start telling me

I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing.

I merely tried to point out
that there is an issue

in this country today
that has to do with

the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner
is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old
persecution complex.

Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what
this is all about.

(TURNS TV BACK ON)

ALTHEA: I don't want you
staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done that
this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.

Maybe tomorrow morning
I'll let you watch

your father
run out of the house.

BURTON: Why can't he walk
like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid
somebody will catch him.

Kids at school laugh at him.

They call me "Son of Speedy".

Why does Daddy
race buses, Mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like
some people save stamps?

ALTHEA:
Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps,
some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father
races buses.

If he smoked pot,
he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

JEFF: Our house is worth
$37,000 on the open market.

ALTHEA:
Mmm, that's nice.

JEFF: That's 17 per cent more
than we paid for it.

- ALTHEA: Mmm, you need a haircut.
- JEFF: Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed
early tonight? It's Wednesday.

- JEFF: Wednesday?
- ALTHEA: Mm-hmm.

JEFF:
It's Monday.

- ALTHEA: Let's pretend it's Wednesday.
- JEFF: (SIGHING)

ALTHEA:
Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where to find me.

Yes.

(PANTING)

(BUZZING)

How come you're not
watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?

I don't know.

What's the commercial?

I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty
well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to
face up to something.

- Oh, look. Don't start.
- You can't stand the sight of me.

- I can so.
- You can't stand to touch me.

Wrong again.

There's no passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion
in our life.

(SIGHING)

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Huh?

- Look, sweetie, I've had a hard day.
- I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up
on your side of the bed

like we used to,
Thursday mornings.

(SIGHING)

As soon as Janice was born,
we stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford
more than two children.

Unless we have six at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all away,
except the spotted one.

We can make love without
having children, you know.

There are methods,
there are devices.

They're not foolproof.

They are if you use them all
at the same time.

I'm not making love
to any heavy tank.

I've still got some
good years left, Jeff.

Oh, Jesus.

I take something,

and I wear something,

and I keep count, and if you...

- (SNORING)
- Jeff!

Jeff.

(SIGHING)

MAN ON TV: We were so right
to come here, dearest.

- To get away.
- (SEAGULLS CRYING)

WOMAN:
Yes, Ralph, I know.

It's lovely.

RALPH:
Being with you, Sylvia.

SYLVIA:
Being with you, Ralph.

NEWSREADER:
...it marks the first time

federalised troops
have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned that
should such a situation...

- (CLICKING TV REMOTE)
- (HEART BEATING LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

How... now...

brown... cow.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is, old buddy.
A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right,
something you ate.

(LAUGHING)

Put up your hands!

Give me your
high school ring!

A nightmare.

Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.

(MOANING)

(WHISPERING)
Althea.

I'm having a nightmare
about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up,

and try and talk me
out of it.

It's just
a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now,

and I know that when I wake up
again in the morning,

my skin'll be lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long
as you're asleep,

it's a nightmare.

But if you wake up,

and begin screaming,

it won't be
a nightmare anymore.

(VOICE BREAKING)
And I don't want that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're asleep,
it's a nightmare.

And all night long,
it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

(OUT LOUD)
It's not a nightmare!

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp!

(CHUCKLING)

What a great nightmare
about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wives' tale.

(CLATTERING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you
run out of the house today.

- Dad, you in the shower?
- JEFF: Yes!

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you
run out of the house?

Er... no, sweetheart, I...
I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But Mommy said!

Dad, whole house
is getting steamed up.

So's your old man.

- Listen, Burton?
- Yeah?

Tell your mother to get
you both off to school,

and then come in here.

You mean you won't be
racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up
the race issue again.

(DOOR CLOSING)

JEFF: Oh, Lord,
I've never been a religious man.

I won't try to
kid you about that.

I don't go to church,
and I only pray

when I'm feeling
scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry
because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord,
I'm in trouble now,

which is why
I'm trying to make contact.

Please, Lord, make it all be
a terrific nightmare,

and will you see a nice person
come out of this shower?

I want you to know
that I am a true believer.

There are no atheists
in this shower.

I'm prayin' now, Lord.
Do you hear me?

If you hear me,
don't say or do anything.

Good. Okay, Lord,

I'm comin' out now,

and I wouldn't care
if I gained 20 pounds,

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

(SCREAMING)

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, there's
a Negro in your shower!

JEFF:
It is not a Negro!

ALTHEA: Yes, yes, yes,
it is, it is.

I saw him.
Call the police, he'll kill us.

JEFF:
I am not a Negro. I'm me.

ALTHEA: If this is
another one of your jokes...

JEFF:
Now look, Althea,

I'm coming out
of the shower again

and I want no screaming,
you hear?

Now, there's
a logical answer to this,

but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a prune
in this shower.

Now, I'm coming out again,
you hear? Okay?

Yes. Okay.

JEFF:
Now, hand me a towel.

All right.
Here I come,

ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea,
I need a friendly opinion.

(SCREAMING)

Did you have to give me
a white towel, you simp?

Boy, you sure have a warped
sense of humour, baby.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my good God!

Oh, shut up!
There is no God.

He don't give a damn.

You...
You look like a Negro.

I know what I look like.
Shut up!

I mean a dark one.
I mean...

I mean,
if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, Althea?

Oh, oh, should I hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

(STAMMERING)

How do you know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing
you've ever said.

Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge work.
Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white.

That's the contrast.

And your hair.

My hair's always been
naturally curly.

Wh... What about
your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been overdoing
the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent
as much time in bed

as you do
under that sun lamp,

maybe we would have
more children.

This is no time to discuss
additional children.

No, I should say not.
What would the neighbours think?

A lot of half-coloured kids
running around!

- I am not coloured!
- Well, that's your story.

When's the last time
you looked in the mirror?

It's the sun lamp,
isn't it?

Because you wouldn't be
teasing me like that

if it wasn't the sun lamp,

- 'cause you're not a cruel person.
- (SCREAMING)

- Don't you touch me!
- Oh, boy, you are a treat.

You're something to have
around in an emergency.

You know... you know,
it's very strange.

My mother always thought you were
a little on the dark side.

I mean, she never came
right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position
to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my mother
always thought she was Chinese.

- Silliest thing I ever heard.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, then, how come
her feet are so small?

And how come, whenever you
asked her when she was born,

she always says
"the Year of the Dragon"?

And how come she was
always so anxious to...

to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like
a white woman to you, huh?

My mother has
almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-tung.
And she eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a
member of the Red Guard.

All right, Jeff, all right,

but it isn't a Chinese issue
we are discussing.

We're discussing
a Negro issue.

- It's a sun lamp issue!
- Well, that may very well be,

but you certainly can't go
to the office like that.

Oh, my God,
what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That is the first thing.
I gotta report in sick.

You can't tell her that
you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime...

Look, I won't be
coming in today.

Well, I'm, er...
feeling a bit off colour.

(CHUCKLING)

Anyway, um... Gladys,

Er... look, just cancel all my
appointments for the day, okay?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em
tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

The trick is to be
logical and rational.

I got a warranty around here
for that sun lamp.

Let's see,
logical and rational, yeah.

You really think it's
the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be
coloured, wouldn't you?

Well, not really.
But it would serve you right

with that attitude
of white supremacy.

Well, I didn't see you exactly
runnin' over to hug and kiss me

when you thought
I was a Negro.

I was upset because I thought
you were a stranger.

Oh, beans! If it was
a white stranger

came out of that shower,
you'da humped him.

Ah, here it is.

They're a reputable company.

I'm sure this has
happened before.

ALTHEA:
Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up, baby.
Just keep it up.

(DIALLING)

Hello, I'd like to speak to
somebody with regard to

your sun lamp model LT34X.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A little bit too well.
Ah, thank you.

They're switching me
to the manager.

Hello, my name is Gerber.

I've got one of your
model LT34X sun lamps.

Er... serial number 36677231.

Ah, yeah.
Well, the problem is...

That's an old wives' tale.
Excuse me.

Er... the problem is, er...
it's made me rather dark.

Whew!

Well, a little darker
than was necessary.

Ah, yes, once in the morning,
and, er... once at night.

Yes, I...
I use a lotion.

Well, it's kind of
my own concoction.

Baby oil, cocoa butter,
iodine, and soy sauce.

(CHUCKLING)

About one third soy sauce.

Well, of course
you never heard of it.

It's my own formula.
(LAUGHING)

Look, you don't
seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid...!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not Sid Percival
pulling your leg.

42, Tangerine Lane, and I'm
a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send me
a new sun lamp.

ALTHEA:
That's very sporting of them.

What the hell am I going
to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe
you could mate them.

You're just
having a dandy time, boy.

Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea,

you wouldn't hug me unless you
really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby,
Don't worry.

You'll be white again.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- What is it?

There are things that we can do.

I mean, what do they do
when they want to look white?

They must use
salves and creams.

And hair straighteners.

I don't want
my hair straightened,

I want my skin straightened!

What the hell else
are we talkin' about?

Where are you going?

To one of their drugstores.
Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?

The door's not open
on the cab.

Go on out there and
open the door on the cab.

(EXCLAIMS)

Go on!

(KNOCKING)

(CAB DOOR CLOSING)

Take me to
the coloured section.

Nice neighbourhood.
What do you do there?

Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you?

I get to sleep with
the lady of the house.

Would you put
your hands down?

All I want is a pair
of sunglasses. Now, look,

I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this?
Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me a box,
A box, big box.

There you go.
All right, let's see now.

Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Okay, give me some of these.
Yeah. Pearl Sheen.

Uh-huh, all right.
Now, let's see, now.

Ah, try some of this
white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see here,
that's good.

"Beautiful Bleach."
That probably is great.

"Miracle Wash."

Hair straightener.
That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

You remember, if anybody asks you
if you ever saw me in here,

you never laid eyes on me.
Okay?

Mum's the word.

Any change?

No.

But I don't imagine
it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think
any intelligent Negro

expects it to be immediate.
Don't be so militant.

It's different.
I'm not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate.

We've rubbed in
four different brands.

Don't you think
we ought to stop?

Well, come on, put on some more
hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeff, I... I don't want you
to get all excited, but...

I do think
you're a little lighter.

It's hard to tell
through the cream, but...

Yeah, I think you're right.

Around the neck here, right?

Especially
around the neck.

- Uh-huh, and around the chin?
- Yes, the chin, too.

- And around the nose, mmm?
- Yes.

You're lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea.
Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't
want to be this colour.

What are you doing up there?

Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want.
He can't hear me.

He's the white man's god.

Jeff, you are not a Negro.

Oh, my goodness,
I'm getting darker. I can see it.

Come on.
Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick.
Oh, my God, I need more.

Oh, come on,
I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down.

I can't take a...
I can't take a shower,

'cause if I take a shower,
my body'll shrink,

and the skin I have
won't fit. Aaah!

Will you calm down? The children
will be coming home from school soon,

and I don't want you
getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find out
they have a coloured daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down
my knee and I sing "Mammy".

You're gonna talk
yourself into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness,
th-th-these creams don't work.

No wonder Negroes riot.

I mean, these are
worthless hoaxes.

JEFF:
Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.

Sure. Hi, Dad.

JANICE:
Hi, Dad.

Um...

don't you have anything
you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty.

That's a nice thing
to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan
you got, Dad.

You look like
a coloured man.

That's very good.
Thank you, Burton.

We could use you at the UN.

Come on, kids.
I'll get your dinner ready.

BURTON:
What are we having?

Oh, black-eyed peas,
hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

BURTON:
What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus
this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that, Daddy?

Doing what, sweetheart?

- Racing buses.
- ALTHEA: Come on, Janice.

You don't want your
ham hocks to get cold.

In here,
or in the dining room?

What is it?

I gotta see.

Maybe it's the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight,
I'll look less coloured.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Where to?

In our backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly
getting whiter whites these days.

Aren't you, Mrs Johnson?

MRS JOHNSON: Oh, yes,
I'm using a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd tell
my wife the brand,

because we have a few things
around our house

that really need whitening.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Jeff, are you all right?

Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like a birthday cake.

Well, it's getting very late.

Can't you at least
lie down in bed?

JEFF: No, I'm afraid I'll roll over
and destroy the mould.

ALTHEA:
Oh, all right.

- Althea?
- Yes?

My last words:

"Pray for me."

(COCKEREL CROWING)

Jeff?
Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set!

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

(JEFF PANTING)

How to do this?

I'll try not to hurt you.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak?
How do you feel?

- Can you speak?
- Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God
you're all right.

My God, it's going to strangle me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

(JEFF GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

Be careful with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel,
I've got enough dimples.

(GROANING)

I think I'm getting
the hang of it now.

What colour am I?

Er... well, er...

Er... I'll have
to open the blinds.

Wait a moment,
do it gradually.

Remove a little around the ears.

All righty.

What colour am I?

Er... did you drink
any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart,

and then my hand
was paralysed.

Oh, poor thing. You know,
if we'd only known,

I could've rigged you
up a tube or something.

What colour am I, Althea?

Well, er... let's see.

Tell me the truth,
but tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white.

Oh, God.

Dark white.

What?

Well, I'm sure
you're white,

but you're a little
on the dark side.

Wait a moment.
Get me to a mirror!

(SCREAMING)

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff, you'll have a stroke!

I don't want a stroke.
I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself under a bridge,
out of a window.

(INDECIPHERABLE SHOUTING)

Althea,
I want my whiteness back!

Oh!

Where's that schmucky white knight
on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me! Stick me!
Turn me white. Rinso-white!

- Rinso-white!
- Jeff, the neighbours!

The neighbours, the neighbours,
the neighbours!

The neighbours'll crap
when they see me!

There goes the neighbourhood!
There it goes, boys!

Jeff, stop that!

I'm black!

I'm black!

(SHUDDERING SIGH)

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me,
O great milk.

Ah!

Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're a nut,
but you're white.

I want all the mirrors removed
from this house, woman.

That's a direct order
from your husband, Othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy!

Is this the way
you face a problem?

- What?
- Shut up!

You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did.
Wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.

Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane.

- Crazy.
- Crazy.

- Idiotic.
- Shut up!

Well, I gotta get back
to work.

You might as well
forget this day, and...

So just relax.
The kids are off to school.

Come on down,
I'll make you some breakfast.

I am not sure this emotionalising
isn't retarding your skin

from returning
to its normal colour.

You're making great sense, Althea.
I don't know, maybe...

maybe we needed this
little emergency to, er...

make us realise how much we...

need and love each other.

(CHUCKLING)

I sure hate to think
every married couple

has to get
all shook up like this

just to see
how much they're in love!

No riots yesterday.
Maybe that's a good omen.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Jeff, the Ku Klux Klan
never rings the bell.

- Ah, Gerber?
- Yes.

Couple packages here.
I want you sign right here.

We didn't order anything.

Sun lamp!

- Now, just put it there, right on here.
- (JEFF ROARING)

Jeff, stop it!

Jeff!

Jeff!

- Wait a minute!
- Jeff! Jeff, stop!

Get me out of here!

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

I don't think I know you!

ALTHEA:
Jeff, back! I said, back.

Jeff! Jeff!

(JEFF SCREAMING)

ALTHEA: Back!
Back, I said! Back!

Back! Back!
Back, Jeff, back!

Back, back, I said! Back!

Way back. Just get back.

ALTHEA:
Back, back, back.

Back, back, back.
I said, Jeff, back down.

(PANTING)

Jesus!
Talk about Black Power.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

That's all right. Never mind.

I must have the wrong address.
Put it on my head.

- Why?
- Huh? Why?

That guy needs a sun lamp like
Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Look, just close the door
behind me, that's all. Let me go.

(SIGHING)

I heard. I heard him.

- ALTHEA: So, you heard.
- He thinks I'm coloured.

(LAUGHING) So what?
You thought you were coloured

until you learned the fact
you thought you were coloured, right?

So?

So why shouldn't
he think you're coloured?

You're right again, Althea.

I tell you, you're a growing
source of strength to me.

- You could've killed that man.
- I suppose so.

The Negroes in this city
have enough trouble

without your killing
a white man.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

What's wrong with Dad,
Mom?

Too much sun lamp.

JEFF:
"Ooga, booga, doo.

"I'm getting
whiter and whiter.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."
Me, friend.

Not funny.

You got enough milk?

Yeah.

You think you're
getting any whiter?

No, but my skin
is getting lovely and soft.

You know, you've
been in there three hours.

You're going to marinate.

Isn't it cold?

Yeah, a little.

Want me to warm it up a little?

You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not
you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work.

I promised the kids they could
watch you run out of the house.

Did you promise them
they could stay up

and watch the cross burn
on our front lawn?

Well, is there
anything I can get you?

A box of graham crackers,
or some Bosco?

(SIGHING)
I don't need companionship.

I've got my book.

Yes, I know.
Voodoo Without Killing Chickens.

They tell me at the library
it's number one in Haiti.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

ALTHEA:
"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

Bon voyage.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

"Ooga, dooga, booga, do."

The bus!
The bus is coming! Yay!

(JEFF HUMMING)

BOTH CHILDREN:
Yay!

PASSENGER: There he is!
Back in action!

(PASSENGERS CLAMOURING)

PASSENGER #2: Let's go, man.
Let's go. Let's go.

PASSENGER #3:
Is that him?

What happened to him?

PASSENGER #4:
Of course it's him.

Has to be him.

PASSENGER #4:
What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, somebody
might've killed him by now.

It's him!

(ALL YELLING)

PASSENGER: He's catching up!
He's catching up!

(PASSENGERS CHATTERING)

PASSENGERS:
Hey! Hey! Hey!

(SCREAMING)

Police!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Stop! Thief!

(SHRIEKING)

Where are you running,
Seabiscuit?

My bus!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes.

Whose?

Mine.

WOMAN #1: Neighbourhood
isn't safe anymore.

JEFF:
I didn't do anything!

WOMAN #1: Neighbourhood
isn't safe anymore.

WOMAN #2:
It's terrible. Just terrible.

Break it up.

JEFF:
Shoes. I told you.

Try 'em on, Cinderella.

What?

Well, they're yours,
all right.

I told you!

Somebody got a complaint
against this man?

Somebody see him steal anything?

Speak up!

MAN: Well, I didn't see him,
but he must have.

What is it, officer?
What did this man do?

WOMAN #1:
Oh, they stick together, they do.

- POLICEMAN: What did he do?
- WOMAN #1: He stole something.

JEFF: What did I steal?
Who saw me steal something?

POLICEMAN: Anybody see
this man steal anything?

JEFF:
A purse, a wallet?

How about a brand-new
colour TV set?

You know this man?

This man's a regular
passenger on my bus.

He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law against
runnin' for the bus?

All right,
break it up, folks.

Break it up. Shoo! Shoo!

Come on.

Hey, er...
what happened to you, man?

How come I never noticed
you were coloured before?

Because I was never
coloured before!

Oh, it happened
just like that, huh?

Just like that.

Well, when you get
back on the bus,

just sit down and cool it.
They don't love you, you know?

Nobody loves me! Big deal.

Well, just don't make any trouble.

JEFF:
Listen, I am not coloured!

I know.
I'm Spanish, myself.

♪ Sometimes I feel
like a motherless child! ♪

Hasta la vista.

(SIGHING)

Hey!

Health drink. Double.

And don't be a wise guy.

Hey,

don't I know you
from somewhere?

I'm Mr Gerber.
Jeff Gerber.

Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

I never noticed.

Look, come on, hurry up
with my health drink.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)
I'm late as it is now.

Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner the lights in here
wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff.

You certainly
set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's, er...
in this health drink?

Oh, that?
Orange juice,

papaya's juice,

lime juice,

and soy sauce.

Soy sauce!

What the hell are you
puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out
of Worcestershire sauce.

- What?
- Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't want us
in these places now.

Us?

I'll sue the entire NAACP.

Look at my skin!

I don't have to look
at your skin.

I can look at my own.

Here, now,
what's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place
shut down as a homosexual hangout.

Who is that gentleman?

Soy sauce!

Oh, now look, Mr Soy Sauce,
I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well
with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not Negro.
I'm Spanish. Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.

"Us!"

(LAUGHING)

Can I help you?

No-one can help me.

Whom is it you wish
to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln
about this equality bullshit!

(GASPING)
Mr Gerber!

Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you?

I'm pledging for a fraternity.

(TYPEWRITERS CLATTERING)

- Mr Gerber!
- Never heard of him.

But, Mr Gerber...

Get out of my way, Erica,

unless you want to feel
the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel
the wrath of your switchblade.

Morning, Gladys.

Mr Gerber, what happened?

Is there anything I can do?

Hide your high school ring.

Mr Townsend said for you to see him
as soon as you come in.

All right.

- All right?
- All right.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

(SOBBING)

Yes?

MISS REGAN:
Mr Townsend is waiting.

Yes.

Okay.

JEFF: I'm coloured, Mr Townsend.
I'm a Negro.

Gerber, what the hell
have you been doing?

Sitting under a sun lamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan in just
the two days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did.
The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

Don't you think
you overdid it a bit?

Yes, yes, I do.
I... I really do.

It was a frightening experience.

Yeah, I should think so.

Now, look, there's no need
to come apart at the seams.

It'll fade and you'll be fine.

You still have got
to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you, Mr Townsend,
I must confess,

I was pretty shook up.

All right, now go on back
to your desk, and don't let me down.

All right, sir.
God bless you, sir.

There still is a God,
you know, sir.

Miss Regan...

(GASPING)

Yes, Mr Townsend?

Would you get my optometrist
on the phone?

These tinted contact lenses
he gave me,

I think they're
a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces.
Come on, girls.

Get back to work
or you'll be back on the streets

working for real money.

What's the matter, fella?

Ain't you never
seen an Aztec before?

What the hell have you done
to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like
my golden glow, Andy?

Don't I look like
a friggin' bronze god?

That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on
no less an authority

than DJ Townsend
that I have a glorious tan.

I... I gotta tell you, Jeff.
If I didn't know you, I'd have to say...

Look, Andy, if you have inherent
racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think
I have a beautiful colour.

Gladys, bring in my appointment book,
please, dear.

(JEFF HUMMING)

♪ There'll be pennies from heaven

♪ For you and me ♪

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Hello, Clark?

Jeff Gerber. Well, I hopped down
the islands for a couple days.

Get that old tan in shape,
you know?

How's about today? Lunch?
Well, you name it.

Okay, your club, twelve-thirty.
See you then.

Where do you think
you're going?

- I'm lunching with Clark Dunwoodie.
- Not in here, you're not.

Hey, come on! You're kidding!

You know me! Jeff Gerber!

Mr Dunwoodie's expecting me.

Come on, fella,
I got my orders.

Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun,
but don't make me angry.

- You better let me pass.
- What's your name, sir?

Er... Jeff Gerber. I'm having lunch
with, er... Clark Dunwoodie.

Oh, yes, Mr Gerber.

Er... Mr Dunwoodie wanted me to
give you his apologies.

He had to go
back to the office.

Er... some kind of an
emergency board meeting,

and he's going to call you
later this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that
crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry
for the inconvenience.

Now, move along, please.

- Hey, look, there must be some mistake.
- Come on. I said "move along".

Hey, hey, hey,
Look, I ask you, is this America?

- Is this America?
- Yeah, man!

(MELVIN VAN PEEBLES: "LOVE, THAT'S AMERICA")
♪ No, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me ♪

Hey, look, why don't you
let him go in there?

I belong in there!

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ If you don't fit the right image

♪ They just pull out their DDT

♪ If they just don't
like the way you look

(TYRES SCREECHING)

♪ They just law and order
and pricks!

♪ They're prickin'me! ♪

- (KNOCKING)
- Come in.

- Excuse me, Mr Townsend?
- Yes.

This man says
he works for you.

Good grief!

Gerber, is that you?

Er...

Yes, officer, he...
he works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him
in your charge.

He stole something.
We don't know what it is yet.

JEFF:
Brutality, brutality.

You can leave him
with me, officer.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Gerber, w...
what happened?

- If I didn't know you myself, I'd sw...
- I'm black. I've become black.

You ask anyone
on the street,

they'll say,
"that man, he's black.

- "Mm-hmm, sure, he's black."
- Now, get a hold of yourself.

Yowser. I'm gonna
get a hold of myself.

Yowser, boss.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, this could work
to both our advantages.

Boss have heap
big sense of humour.

Stop that foolish vaudeville routine,
and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care
what colour you are.

You're an intelligent,
educated man,

and, damn it, Gerber, there is
a whole market out there

that has never even been
approached by our company

because we have never
had a Negro salesman.

Why, you can make yourself
a fortune.

That Negro insurance market
is virtually untapped.

Look, I tell you what you do.
You run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere.

They'll arrest me before
I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office
and wait there for me,

I'll bring you the statistics.
They're shocking.

I'll just shuffle along.

Er... give me 15 minutes.

Oh, you don't have
to hurry yourself

over little old,
po' little me, Mr Townsend.

Make a list of all those articles
that have been stolen.

And any of you
who have been raped,

please report
to the dispensary.

Any of you who are
interested in tap dancing,

gospel singing,
boxing lessons,

please come into my office.

Gladys?
(CHUCKLING)

Dr Wainwright, please.

Jeff Gerber. Thank you.

Dr Wainwright, I gotta
see you right away.

(TYPEWRITERS CLATTERING)

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the black scourge!

Double trouble,
boil and trouble!

Take your children,
gather them.

Take them
to the high ground!

Doctor? Mr Gerber's here.

- But, er...
- WAINWRIGHT: Well, show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure,
there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall,
were always rather full.

High cheekbones, wide face.

You're trying to tell me something.

Uh-huh. I don't see how
it could be the sun lamp.

Anything unusual in your diet?

Crow.

I've laid a lot of crow, Doc.

It could be some kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt
to be something else.

Well, go ahead, tell me.
I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be something
in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible that,
somewhere in your lineage,

there is a Negro strain.

You're looking at a
strained Negro right now, Doc.

If that were the case,

it would be apparent from birth,
not in your middle years.

And it would seem logical
that your parents

would have said
something to you about it.

They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got,
they never called me a nigger.

Oh, they might have
revealed it in other ways.

Ways more... Freudian.

Um... what's your full name, Jeff?

Jefferson W Gerber.

Mm-hmm. What's the "W" for?

Washington.

Jefferson Washington Gerber.

Do you realise that,
when the slaves were set free

and they were allowed to
pick any names they wanted,

many of them chose
the names of Presidents?

Jefferson Washington Gerber.

Um... what's your wife's name?

Althea Jemima Gerber.

You're kidding me.

What are your children's names?

Beulah and Rastus.

You're trying to prove that I'm a Negro,
and I'm trying to prove that I'm not.

I am only trying
to compile some facts.

All right, facts.
Well, what about my skin, huh?

What about...
That's a fact, isn't it?

Now, look, something happened
to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere, there's a
medical explanation for this,

and we'll find it.

When do you want to do that, Doc?

Right now.

About how long
do you think it'll take?

Maybe three hours. The rest is
up to the laboratory technicians.

JEFF:
Hello, Althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

(SIGHING)

The children are in bed.
Even Burton.

I thought it best.

What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong?
Wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Well, how come you're on fire?

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't answer it.

- I beg your pardon?
- Don't answer it.

And may I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means,
let's not answer it.

But I feel I should
ask you this, Althea.

How do you know
it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound.

Wrong numbers sound more neurotic,
because the circuits are confused.

- I see.
- And it just upsets it if you answer it.

Uh-huh, that's strange, but it
sounds like a right number to me.

- No, you're wrong.
- You're nuts.

- Hello?
- MAN: Jeff Gerber?

- Yes?
- Move out, nigger!

It was a wrong number.

They've been calling all day.

What "they"?
It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like the
entire West Point Glee Club.

Well, who do you think it is?

It's Avon calling,
and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell you,
I'm frightened.

You don't have to tell me.
It's fairly noticeable.

Well, how did it go today?

Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out of
one of the better clubs.

I was picked up twice
for purse snatching.

What?

Nothing.

Well... did they notice anything...
anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks.

What about Townsend?

Oh, he seemed quite pleased.

It seems I'm one of his
hottest Negro salesmen.

You hungry?

Yeah, I guess so.

JEFF:
What? Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realise... until after...

Well, listen, Jemima,
you're in this too.

Jemima?

Your middle name, baby.

- My middle name is Janine.
- Oh?

So don't you "Jemima" me,
Jeff Gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial
secret about yourself from me,

well, just don't you
"Jemima" me!

Oh, I get it.

You're getting a little worried.

You're just not certain about
things anymore, are you?

Well, there are children to consider.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- What do you think?

Right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore.
It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this town
is honing in on us.

- Hello?
- Jeff? It's Dr Wainwright.

Yes, er... what is it?

- It's not hay fever.
- Oh, good!

- Thought I'd let you know.
- Yes, er... thank you.

Let me know as soon as
you find out about ragweed.

I'll call immediately.

Doctor Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know I'm
not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a while
and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep. You can
turn off the phone if you like.

I can't. It might be
my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened.
It's just me, Black Bart.

- Did you have something to eat?
- Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste good
to me unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

NEWSREADER: This is Tom Harkness
in the downtown business area

where police are just now
bringing under control

a riot that began about noon today.

Within minutes the area was
overrun with pickets, militants,

and Housewives for Lower Food Prices,

when an unidentified drunken Negro

was denied admission
to the Hagstrom Yacht Club,

Though the actual identity of the man
is not known for certain...

- if only they wouldn't be so pushy.
- (SWITCHING OFF TV)

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- MAN: Jeff Gerber?

- Yes.
- Move out, nigger.

- Was it Dr Wainwright?
- I certainly hope not.

Look, Althea,

it's Wednesday night.

- Why don't we have a little drink and...
- Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of some human affection.

I understand,
but not tonight, okay?

I hate to tell you this,

but I'm beginning to feel
just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned,
but, where I come from,

a guy's wife sticks real
close to him in time of stress.

- Well, er... not tonight.
- Something I said?

- We could change sides if you'd like.
- That's damn white of you.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- DR WAINWRIGHT: Jeff?

It's not ragweed, asthma or
anything to do with the kidneys.

Good. Keep me posted.

I'm staying with it all night.

Thanks, Doc, appreciate it.

- (SIGHING)
- (PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- MAN: Jeff Gerber?

He's out baling cotton.
Can I take a message?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them.
Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them?
You mean they're not angry already?

What must I do to get 'em angry?

Try and get into
one of their yacht clubs?

(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)

Good morning, Mr Gerber.

Morning, Erica.

When do I get to
see your switchblade?

God's sake, call me.

Um... morning, Gladys.

Mr Townsend's
waiting to see you.

He's fit to be tied and, er...

well, Dr Wainwright called twice

and wants you to call
as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

DR WAINWRIGHT:
Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to do
with allergies,

blood counts
or electrocardiograms,

and it has nothing
to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests on
soy sauce, and the opinion is

that soy sauce is more apt to
make you Oriental than Negro.

C'est la guerre.

JEFF:
That's... logical.

I spent the entire night
in the trenches

with Doctors Carson, Harcourt,
Whittemore, O'Neil, and Hamilton.

And they're firmly
of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one
of those doctors

who believes in
keeping the truth

from a patient.

Did you know that the first man
to die in an American war

was a black man,
Crispus Attucks?

What I'm getting at is,

Jeff, you're a Negro.

When do you want
to see me again?

- I don't think it's necessary.
- Closing the book on me, huh?

Now, with your approval,
I'd like to turn your case over

to an outstanding young doctor

who's a member
of your own race.

Dr John I Catlin.

You may have heard of him.

What's the "L" for?
Lincoln?

You do understand,
don't you, Jeff?

Of course.

Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump into
each other again some day.

Maybe at the Newport Regatta.

Mr Townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on me
yesterday, Gerber.

JEFF: I'm sorry.
I thought it was important.

It wasn't.

Look, I want
a Negro representative.

But I will not tolerate
any lack of diligence.

I understand.

Good. Now, I want you to
turn over all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them.
You can still get the commissions.

This is the area
I want you to work in.

The sooner you get started,
the better.

Any questions,
come directly to me.

Oh, er...
by the way, Gerber, er...

I notified the NAACP
and CORE

that we have a Negro
on our staff.

They're both quite pleased.

Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite correct
for a man in your bracket...

I'd recommend that
you set aside a bit more

for your future children's
education...

I'm very happy to say that
for the first time today,

I'm gonna recommend that somebody
buy an insurance policy from me...

I strongly suggest that you, er...

invest some of
your widow's pension

in income-earning stocks
and bonds,

and I'd be glad
to recommend a man.

- He's white.
- Many people are.

Well, Gerber,

it looks to me as though
you've been giving out

quite a bit of free advice
these past few days.

JEFF: That's part of
the job, isn't it?

Oh, maybe, but on your first day
you made nine calls,

and sold one policy.

Three policies
you did nothing about,

and five policies
you re-arranged so that...

so that our company loses
$363 in annual premiums.

But, eventually, all those people
will become good customers

- only because I took the time...
- Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't know
the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing
the community a public service

to sell them
all the insurance you could

so that they would never become
a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes
I visited in the last few days

was occupied
by personable, responsible...

Horse crap!

Look...

(MELVIN VAN PEEBLES:
"LOVE, THAT'S AMERICA")

♪ Excuse me, buddy, but...

♪ Excuse me, lady, but...

♪ You foolin', ain't ya?

♪ Where can I be?

♪ This ain't America, is it?

♪ Oh, Lord, where can I be?

♪ This ain't America, is it?

♪ No, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me ♪

DR CATLIN: You're wrong to
go on trying to fool yourself.

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ This here's the home of the sheriff

♪ Not the land of the free

♪ In America, folks don't run
through the streets

♪ Blood streamin'

♪ From where they been beat

♪ And the parks is for the people ♪

Quite a background.
Dean's List three times, college graduate,

excellent service record.

Seventeen years in the
insurance profession.

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ And the cops in the good old USA

♪ Don't they need
some kind of Gods either?

♪ No, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me ♪

(TRACTOR ENGINE RUNNING)

I'm not kiddin', man.

Take Jamie over there,
he's got 13 years.

And a hell
of a good bowler, too.

Of course, they always
make him bowl on the far lane.

Kind of downwind,
so to speak.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm not kidding.

- VAN PEEBLES: ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Open arms for every creature!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Open arms!

♪ For every man!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Joy and peace and harmony!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Children with laughing eyes!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Yes, love, that's America!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ The old eagle soarin'!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ The old eagle wearin' a grin!

- ♪ Love!
- CHORUS: ♪ Love, that's America

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Our old eagle soarin'! ♪

Jeff, you know our neighbours.

Well, the Vigilantes!

ALTHEA:
I've got the coffee on.

JEFF: Well, then,
what can I do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well
get right to the point.

Everybody else does.

JOHNSON: We feel your presence
in the neighbourhood

can undermine
the value of our homes,

and we're concerned.

JEFF: Yes, I've gotten
a couple of your phone calls.

Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff.

Shut up, friend.

JOHNSON:
As nicely as we can put it, Jeff,

we'd like you to move out before
it becomes common knowledge

that there's
a Negro family in the area.

- Is that as nicely as you can put it?
- We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable,

especially since I've taken the
spot announcements on radio.

And wait until
you see the skywriting.

JOHNSON: We're prepared
to offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures.
Walter?

Your house is worth about

forty thousand dollars
on the open market.

- Thirty-seven thousand.
- Well, give or take.

Twelve dollars as soon as the
word gets out that I'm a nigger.

JOHNSON: We represent
a group of people, Jeff,

and we have the backing
of three local banks.

And so we're prepared to offer you
fifty thousand dollars.

Oh, ah do declaih, that
shore am a great pile o' money.

We'll sell your house to a good family,
and absorb the loss among ourselves.

(JEFF CHUCKLING)

Oh, my goodness,
fifty thousand simoleons.

Heavens to Uncle Remus!

But I can't accept it.

JOHNSON: We're prepared
to pay it right now. Tonight.

Oh, I know you're
prepared to pay it.

But I'm not prepared to accept it.

I mean, er...
me and my family,

we've looked forward
to living here all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls,

and any time a nice rock can
come crashing through the window,

to remind us that people
are still thinking of us.

Sixty thousand.
That's as high as we can go.

Oh, come on, try harder.
Seventy-five.

- All right, seventy-five, but that's...
- You see that?

- You went higher. Now, try eighty.
- Seventy-five.

Oh, come on!

I'll make more than that from my
watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions
from the Revival Meeting.

- Eighty.
- (JEFF GIGGLING)

Now, try ninety.

Unless, of course, you don't mind the
smell of fried chicken and ham bones

just wafting through
your lovely neighbourhood?

- Ninety.
- Oh, that shore am a lot of money.

But I like something with, er...
more noughts to it.

You know, something a bit rounder.
Something with more noughts.

You know, zeros.

JOHNSON:
One hundred thousand.

And that's as high as
we're authorised to go.

You turn it down,
we're not responsible.

No. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Where do I sign?

You'll find everything in order.

As you know, Walter's
an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard,
if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing
for everybody all around.

JEFF:
Oh, I think so, too.

I was gonna sell this house.

I think the neighbourhood's
a bit too Jewish.

Well, good night, Jeff.

Good luck.

- It's nothing personal.
- Oh, it never is.

If it was personal,
well, I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff.
You have two weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble
and need to store your stuff,

please call my secretary.

She'll give you
the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff.
You've gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps... Perhaps it'll make us
seem less villainous in your eyes.

- Good night, Jeff.
- Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice neighbourhood
I move into,

you guys'll get
first crack at me.

(LAUGHING)

A hundred thousand dollars!

Now, all I gotta do is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red!

You took advantage of them
because you're coloured.

- How's that?
- Those people were our friends.

What should I have done?
Given 'em a discount?

Pushing your way.

Just pushing, pushing, pushing.
Is that the answer?

They wanted us
out of the neighbourhood!

Where do you get that "us" stuff?
You, not us!

Would you repeat that again?
I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me, I...

There's been a great deal
of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just answering the phones...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning
any popularity contests myself.

Well, it's... it's different with you.
You weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked. Everybody liked me.
Everybody!

I hate to tell you this,
but you're supposed to be on my side.

The marriage contract said
"till death do us part".

It said that in
black and white, I believe.

When we got married,
I had no idea it was going to be

an inter-racial thing.
You never told me.

Well, I just got wind of it myself.

If I had known
what was gonna happen,

I would have put in an escape clause
in your marriage contract.

"If my husband becomes
a Negro, all bets are off."

How dare you be sarcastic with me?

I'm the one who was compromised!

Oh, I'm not angry.
How could I be angry?

I have a hundred thousand
dollar suntan.

And why do you insist on being Negro?

I don't insist. I accept it.

What would you have me do,
dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look like
with blond hair, Althea?

Like a grilled cheese sandwich!

Negro humour always escaped me.

Well, we're learning a lot
about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to the
flaming liberal I was married to?

I am still liberal...

but to a point.

I'm sorry, baby.

(SIGHING)

I didn't realise you were
under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight, it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday, and I love you.

- No, it's Tuesday.
- It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday until...

Until I get my bearings.

- I'm going to go to sleep, okay?
- Okay.

Jeff, I sent the kids to my sister's.

Your sister lives in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning.
Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted them
away from all this,

if and when the
newspapers find out.

CHORUS:
♪ Where are the children?

♪ Where are the children? ♪

(EXAGGERATED SOUND EFFECTS)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

(BOING)

(HORSE-LIKE SIGHING)

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

Thank you very much.
(CHUCKLING)

(COUGHING)

In Norway, we have very few Negroes.

Oh, well, er...
I'll tell my buddies. Er...

Then you'll have a lot of them
in no time at all.

Negroes have beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, I've been working out.

And when all those black muscles

all work together to make love,

it is so very marvellous.

Yeah, well,
they all work together.

You know, we're noted for that.

You know, "the thigh bone
connected to the hip bone".

You know, they're all just
hooked up just right.

And the way a Negro makes love...

I can never make love
to a white man again.

Well, I guess there'll be
a few girls to take up the slack.

We must make love every night,
and during lunch hours.

Every spare moment.

Yeah, well, I think we should
take time off to vote.

Where are you going?
Is there voting now?

No, I'm, er... I'm leaving.

Oh, right.

- Will I see you tomorrow?
- Oh, yeah. Probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you
a pinch in the ass.

You know, give you a little thrill.

I have disappointed you?

Oh, no.
Not quite the way you think.

But yes, you have disappointed me.

There is something I didn't do?

Ah, no, er... offhand, er...

there's nothing I can
think of that, er... we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect you
to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.

Okay. Well, try and
understand that, er...

beauty's only skin deep.

And I want you to love me
because of what I am,

not because I'm a Negro.

You're a very nice man.

Very courteous.

You say "please" and "thank you",
so I like you.

Then why are you leaving?
Did I hurt you?

Oh, mine God,
if I hurt you...

You're such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So, thank you...

but no thank you.

- You black bastard!
- You're really getting to it.

My goodness, in no time at all,

you'll qualify
for American citizenship.

Get out of here, you...

you nigger!

Ah! By Jove, she's got it!

I really think she's got it.
(LAUGHING)

Hey, and don't worry about running out
of new words to call me, Erica,

'cause, in a few years,
you'll know 'em all.

- Get out, nigger!
- I'm going! Bye, Erica!

(THWACKING)

ERICA:
Rape!

Bye, Erica.

Rape!

ALTHEA:
"Jeff,

"Jeff, I'm sorry.

"I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm sorry.

"But I can't help it.

"I'm going to Indianapolis.

"Please try to understand. Althea."

GLADYS: Morning, Mr Gerber.
My goodness, you've been getting

phone calls this morning
requesting appointments.

They started coming in
at eight-thirty! And...

Oh, let's see,
Doctor Catlin called,

and, er... well, Mr Townsend
would like to see you.

Thank you, Gladys.

GLADYS:
That's a nice tie, Mr Gerber.

Thank you.

Mr Townsend?

Yes, Gerber, I sent for you.
Sit down and shut up.

Screw you.
I'm opening up my own office.

What?

I said, "Screw you.
I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right.
You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so.
Some neighbours chipped in,

and I won't have to worry
for quite a while.

- Townsend?
- Yes?

About your breath...

(DOOR CLOSING)

(MELVIN VAN PEEBLES:
"SOUL'D ON YOU")

♪ Girl, we got to make
some kind of deal

♪ Everything you got give me a thrill

♪ Don't say no, or I'm gonna die

♪ Don't you know you
keep me alive?

♪ Lord knows I gotta
get through to you

♪ 'Cause there's something
I just gotta do

CHORUS:
♪ Yes, you gotta do, you gotta do

♪ You gotta do

VAN PEEBLES: ♪ Don't throw
my luck in the briarpatch

♪ You got the key,
and you got the latch

♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

♪ I'm soul'd on you, my twister

CHORUS:
♪ Soul'd on you

♪ I'm soul'd on you

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Oh, they called me Mr Cool before

♪ But you got me
poundin' on your front door

♪ Yes, child, I used to be Mr Cool

♪ But, girl, I'm ready to be a fool

♪ It's just realisin' it makes me bold

♪ You do somethin' to cool my soul

♪ Then you'll do my soul

♪ Don't throw my luck
in the briar patch

♪ You got the key,
and you got the latch

♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

♪ I'm soul'd on you, my twister, Lord

CHORUS:
♪ Soul'd on you

♪ I'm soul'd on you

VAN PEEBLES: ♪ Lord,
you got me down on bended knees

♪ Let me hip you
to the birds and bees

♪ Come on, girl, let's
make it down the trail

♪ Oh, Lord knows
I sure wish you would

♪ You know I can't
live without you

♪ Let me do that thing
I just gotta do

CHORUS:
♪ Gotta do, just gotta do

VAN PEEBLES: ♪ Don't throw
my luck in the briarpatch

♪ You got the key,
and you got the latch

♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

♪ I'm soul'd on you, my twister

CHORUS:
♪ Soul'd on you

♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul'd on you

♪ Soul'd on you

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Soul'd on you, soul sister

- ♪ Soul'd on you, blood beauty ♪
- (PHONE RINGING)

♪ Soul'd on you, brown sugar

♪ Soul'd on you, soul'd on you

♪ Somethin' you gotta do

♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it... ♪

Hello.

- ALTHEA: Jeff?
- Yes.

- It's Althea.
- Althea? Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere.
The phone's been turned off.

Well, when I moved out of our house,
I had the phone disconnected.

- Where are you?
- I finally got you through Information.

I'm in Indianapolis.

- What's wrong? The kids all right?
- The kids are fine.

And thanks for sending so
much money. It was very generous.

Well, they're still my kids,
aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never going to
let them forget their father.

Well, thank you.

It's so nice to be so well
remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice...
l mean, on the phone,

it's like it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know
that I was thinking of you, and...

and I hope you're
taking care of yourself.

I'm fine.

Still getting your exercise?

Yes. Althea, you don't have to
worry about me.

I'm working out in the evenings, now.

- Promise me that you are.
- Oh, I are. I are.

You are?

I are.

Ha!

EVERYONE:
Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

SOLO:
Hee...

EVERYONE:
Ha!

- Hee...
- Ha!

- Hee...
- Ha!

- Hee...
- Ha!

- Hee...
- Ha!

(MELVIN VAN PEEBLES:
"LOVE, THAT'S AMERICA")

♪ Nah, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me

CHORUS:
♪ You can't fool me

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Excuse me, but seriously

CHORUS:
♪ You can't fool me

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Which way to the good ol' USA?

CHORUS:
♪ You can't fool me

VAN PEEBLES: ♪ This ain't
nothing like the place I wanna be

♪ Not as far as I can see

♪ I don't care what you say

♪ Hey, why you pointing that this way?

♪ This sure ain't America, is it?

♪ Nah, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me

CHORUS:
♪ You can't fool me

♪ You can't fool me

♪ You can't fool me

VAN PEEBLES:
♪ Nah, this ain't America

♪ You can't fool me ♪

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