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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,839
Sorry, but the person you are
trying to reach
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:04,999
can't take your call right now.
3
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,639
Please leave your message
after the tone.
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,759
Hello, Beth. It's Ken here.
5
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,519
Ken Pritchard.
6
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:11,999
Again.
7
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,239
You can't take my call right now,
8
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,439
so I'm leaving you a message
after the tone.
9
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,919
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
10
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,879
Uh... Cheery-bye, then.
11
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,479
Emily can't take your call
right now.
12
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,159
Please leave your message
after the tone.
13
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,199
Emily, hi.
14
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,359
It's, uh, Richard. Again.
15
00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:35,559
But you already know that,
cos my name comes up on your phone.
16
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,519
Um... Well, unless you've
deleted my number,
17
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,799
in which case it is 07700 900...
18
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,039
But then the phone would have
logged that as well.
19
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,759
But anyway, just in case,
20
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:52,560
the final three digits are
5, um, 2, 1. Uh...
21
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,839
Yeah, I'm actually just going
to hang up now.
22
00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:00,400
So, um... cheery-bye, then.
23
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,760
Cheery-bye, then!
PHONE CHIMES
24
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,359
Oh!
25
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,639
Just trying you here, Beth. Want to
say sorry for not telling you
26
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,079
about Richard and Emily kissing
at the time.
27
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,839
PS, are we still engaged?
Cheery-bye now.
28
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,279
How did you know I wrote that?
29
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,319
Cos you posted it
on the Forres WhatsApp group!
30
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:27,399
Now the whole town knows about
me and Emily! I did no such...
31
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,319
Oh, I did.
KEN'S PHONE CHIMES
32
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,919
Ohh. How have I done that?
33
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,319
BOTH PHONES CHIME REPEATEDLY
34
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,399
Oh, that's the replies coming in
now.
35
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,959
Oh, brilliant!
36
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:38,799
What a fantastic way for everyone
to know that I'm in love with Emily.
37
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,759
Just as she's about to fly halfway
round the world with her boyfriend!
38
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,159
PHONES CONTINUE TO CHIME
39
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,199
Gordon Cope. "I wonder if he still
kisses with his eyes open. LOL."
40
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,199
What were you doing
kissing Gordon Cope?
41
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,359
I wasn't kissing Gordon Cope!
He was just there.
42
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,919
It was a school party.
43
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,759
We were all playing spin-the-bottle.
44
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,079
I mean, I tried to sneak out.
45
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,239
I'd never kissed a girl before,
but then it landed on me and Emily.
46
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,359
And of course I wanted to kiss her,
just not in front of the whole room,
47
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,839
but then they all started
chanting "kiss her, kiss her"!
48
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,359
And I did, but I just didn't realise
that you had to close your eyes
49
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,839
when you were kissing someone.
50
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,879
So, for years after,
everyone called me...
51
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,519
...the Cyclops Kisser.
52
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,279
You see, this is why I wanted to
talk to you about your technique.
53
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,079
Obviously I don't kiss like that
now.
54
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,319
PHONES CHIME
A lot of people still remember it.
55
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,999
Oh, great! Are you happy? Are you?
56
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,119
That I can never leave the house
again.
57
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,919
How To Make An Already Awful
Situation Even Worse,
58
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,879
The Autobiography, by Ken Pritchard.
59
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,599
That's a terrible title
for my autobiography.
60
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,199
Oh, have you got a better one,
have you?
61
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,479
Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.
62
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,839
It was rhetorical! Shhh.
63
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,119
PHONE CHIMES
64
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,679
What about Pritchard And Prejudice,
by Ken Pritchard? There.
65
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,199
Or you could have
Pride And Pritchard, I suppose.
66
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,840
Please stop!
PHONE CHIMES
67
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,399
Are they still talking about
how bad I am at kissing?
68
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,919
No, no. They've...
69
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,079
They've moved on
to something else now.
70
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,239
What?
71
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,839
How bad you are at acting.
72
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,760
HE GASPS
73
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,839
"I hate his accent
in Detective Manners."
74
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,279
I'm using my real accent!
75
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,919
"He's completely wooden.
76
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,399
"One dimensional.
77
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,519
"Let's just hope
he kisses better than he acts."
78
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,999
Well, on the upside, it's good
to hit rock bottom early in the day.
79
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,800
It really frees up your afternoon.
80
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,559
Oh, apparently rock bottom
has a basement.
81
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:28,999
HE SIGHS
82
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,239
I thought people in Forres liked me.
83
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,599
I thought they were proud
I was from here.
84
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,999
No-one on this has written for me
and Emily to get together.
85
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,359
I thought the whole
town would be behind us,
86
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,119
like the end of
a Richard Curtis film.
87
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,519
Who's he again?
He do The Wicker Man?
88
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,319
No, Richard Curtis.
89
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,959
Love Actually.
90
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,319
Oh, I never saw that one.
91
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,999
Notting Hill?
Four Weddings And A Funeral?
92
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,879
Ah, there you are. There's a funeral
at the end of The Wicker Man.
93
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,079
PHONE CHIMES
94
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,839
Oh, this one just says
"useless twat".
95
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,200
PHONE RINGS
96
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,439
Sally, hi.
97
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,919
Richard! Something's come in.
98
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,519
Really?
99
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,959
Why do you need me for this?
100
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,559
Because Emily normally reads
the parts in,
101
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,679
and it's my first TV audition
in months.
102
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,439
I am not missing out on it.
103
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:19,679
Right.
104
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,399
RICHARD MUMBLES
105
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,119
Who am I playing, again?
106
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,239
You're playing anyone apart
from Sebastian, you understand?
107
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,319
Aye, aye. That's the face you do
when you don't understand
108
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,359
but you're pretending that you do.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
109
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,999
Uh-huh. OK, is that "uh-huh"
as in you do understand,
110
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,079
or "uh-huh",
as in you don't understand?
111
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,479
Absolutely. Sure, OK.
112
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,639
So, what I've done is
I've highlighted all the parts
113
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,159
you're playing. OK? So if the line
is highlighted,
114
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,560
you say it, right? OK.
115
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,759
Richard Pritchard,
represented by Sally Monteith.
116
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,839
Um, and can I just say,
even if I don't get the part,
117
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,079
I think the script is fantastic.
118
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,039
Don't creep, Richard,
it's not becoming.
119
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,439
Can you just...? Right.
120
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,040
Well, let's just...
Let's just try one.
121
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,799
KEN HUMS A TUNE
122
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,399
Wh-What are you doing?
123
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,799
It says there's jazz music
playing in the background, here.
124
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,279
Yeah, well, take that as read.
125
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,679
Oh, well, please yourself.
126
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,079
For the benefit of the tape,
we're taking the jazz music as read.
127
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,479
Can you not talk to the tape?
128
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,799
Just do the lines. Hmm.
129
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,160
RICHARD SIGHS
130
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,519
Good evening.
131
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,600
I wasn't sure you were going to
turn up tonight.
132
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,359
Good evening.
133
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,640
I wasn't sure YOU were going to
turn up tonight.
134
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,639
Did you have any trouble
finding the place?
135
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,759
Did YOU have any trouble
finding the place?
136
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,359
WHISPERS: The highlighted line!
137
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,119
Oh, yes, sorry, sorry.
138
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,399
You said that, yeah. Yeah, I did.
139
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,759
KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT
140
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,959
Did you have trouble
finding the place?
141
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,319
Yes.
142
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,079
But you managed to get here
without being seen?
143
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,559
Yes.
144
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,159
Drink?
145
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,879
Pint of heavy, if you're asking.
146
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,079
Does it say that there? No.
147
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,679
What does it say there? It says yes.
148
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,120
Say yes, then. Yes.
149
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,519
The money on the table -
is it the amount we agreed on?
150
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,079
Yes.
151
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,999
WHISPERS: OK.
Now the waiter arrives.
152
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,519
WHISPERS: Oh, the waiter?
Yes, the waiter.
153
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,359
Yes?
154
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,679
I'd like a martini.
155
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,480
Would you like a martini?
156
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:31,999
Yes.
157
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,199
KEN SIGHS
158
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,439
What? Is that all I ever get to say?
I think my character...
159
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,239
You don't have a character.
160
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,279
Right, just skip forward to
when the German officer enters.
161
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,040
Hmm... Ah.
162
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,959
Fredericks. Are you well?
163
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,359
Ja.
164
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,959
I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.
165
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,239
Mademoiselle Arnaud,
this is General Fredericks.
166
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,159
COD GERMAN ACCENT:
A very great pleasure.
167
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,399
We talked about the accent.
168
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,879
It needs the accent, Richard.
169
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,519
A very great pleasure to meet you,
Mademoiselle.
170
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,439
Or should I say...
171
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,199
...meet you again?
172
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:09,359
It was you I saw sneaking around my
quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?
173
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,839
I'm afraid you are going to have
to come with me.
174
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,399
And scene.
175
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,199
No, don't say "and scene". Why not?
176
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,199
Because I'm the actor.
I want to say scene.
177
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,599
Right, come on,
let's do another one from the top.
178
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,520
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
179
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,519
Good evening.
PHONE CHIMES
180
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,839
Oh. Hold that thought.
Hold that thought.
181
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,440
Oh, it's from the Forres
What Is App.
182
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,559
Hey!
What are they calling me now?
183
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,559
How can they just start digging up
the allotment
184
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:37,999
without giving any notice?
185
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,759
This is all your fault, you know.
186
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,959
I could have been up there already,
if you hadn't insisted on
187
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,679
staying in so that I could pretend
to be a bloody Nazi.
188
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,639
Heil. Uh, hi. I meant hi.
189
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,679
Just put the damn phone down!
190
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,239
I need to get the audition
to Sally before two o'clock,
191
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,599
which means I've got no time
to edit out your nonsense.
192
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,679
Never mind the bloody audition!
193
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:02,119
This is about saving a place
your mother held most dear.
194
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,919
Yeah, but...
PHONE BEEPS
195
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,479
OK, that's it sent.
196
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,599
OK?
KEN GRUNTS
197
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,199
Hello, Darren. All right?
198
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,560
Digsy. All right, Richie?
199
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,040
You all right, mate?
200
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,039
I'm meant to be meeting my dad here.
201
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,919
My real dad, like.
202
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,879
Found out who he was.
203
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,920
Turns out he didn't move to America
and invent the floppy disk.
204
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,000
Found him a few weeks back,
but it took me a while to...
205
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,639
Sent him a letter saying I'd be here
at half ten,
206
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,159
if he wanted to meet me.
207
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,439
Maybe he got held up
or maybe he got the day wrong.
208
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,319
I mean, that's dads for you.
That's what my dad would do.
209
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,839
Um...
210
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:53,480
Or maybe he wanted to come
but got a bit scared?
211
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,319
Oi, you thieving git!
212
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,239
The tree?
213
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,280
Oh, right.
214
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,480
Take care, mate.
215
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,600
All right, Richie? Carl.
216
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,119
Richard, are you coming or what?!
217
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,839
CHANTING: We shall not be moved!
We shall not be moved!
218
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,879
We shall not be moved!
We shall not be moved!
219
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,479
The drink and drugs
really took its toll on my work.
220
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,039
I was a frogman by trade, you see.
221
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,599
I started seeing things
under the water.
222
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,279
So I got let go
223
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:38,039
after claiming I had a conversation
with Shergar in the Thames.
224
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,879
CHANTING CONTINUES
225
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,799
Is there literally anyone else here
I can talk to?
226
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,679
What's going on?
Who's in charge here?
227
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:45,879
I am. I am. I can be.
228
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,959
Well, which one is it? Me.
229
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:52,719
My days of playing second fiddle
to you, Pritchard, are over!
230
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:58,519
For it is not in the stars to
hold our destiny but in ourselves!
231
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:03,359
We gave written permission for work
to begin on this land weeks ago.
232
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,519
I have been emailing the Save Our
Allotment email address constantly,
233
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,399
to no response.
234
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,560
The contact I was given
was Horace Williams.
235
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,679
Well, Richard,
aren't you going to answer the lady?
236
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:23,319
What? Written permission or no,
this is an outrage!
237
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:28,199
The people have the power,
and the people shall not be moved!
238
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,479
Yeah. Nae pasaran!
239
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,639
Exactly.
240
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,359
And free Nelson Mandela!
241
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,879
What? No, no!
242
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,199
No, but it's that type of thing,
isn't it?
243
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,959
We shall not be moved.
244
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:45,799
We shall not be moved!
We shall not be moved!
245
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,759
We shall not be moved!
246
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,319
Excuse me, do you mind moving?
Sorry, if you could just move.
247
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,359
Just move, thank you.
We shall not be moved!
248
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,519
Emily... I don't think so, buddy.
249
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,279
I just need to speak to her
for a minute. I said no, man!
250
00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,959
Look, I don't want
a confrontation here,
251
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,199
but you need to know that
I am trained in stage combat.
252
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,479
Well, I think
you should probably know
253
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,439
that I'm a black belt in
taekwondo.
254
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,359
Well, you also need to know that
my hamstring is a bit tight actually
255
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,999
and it wouldn't be a fair fight.
256
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,879
Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to
run away as fast.
257
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,759
And can you just stop standing there
with your fists clenched?
258
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,999
I mean, honestly, this was just
a big misunderstanding.
259
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,959
Hello, Beth.
Ken. I've been speaking with mother
260
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,639
and we think it's only right that
she shouldn't talk to you right now.
261
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:24,919
Hello, Ken.
262
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,239
Ladies, will you please just let me
do my job and protect you!
263
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,919
Protect us from who? Them?
264
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,959
What did she say? How can kissing
him be a misunderstanding?
265
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,999
I mean, you can't exactly get us
mixed up.
266
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,319
I mean, look at him!
267
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,559
You get me in the gym for six months
and I'll look like you!
268
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,959
Six?! Yeah, well,
only if I trained you
269
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,919
and you followed a strict
diet regime.
270
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,879
Oh, I'd take that deal,
if I was you, son.
271
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,519
He's not actually offering it, Dad.
272
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,319
Are you? No. Yeah. I thought so.
273
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,599
OVER LOUD HAILER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
274
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,279
please create a pathway,
as work is about to commence.
275
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,079
Quickly, attach yourself to the
person next to you.
276
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,319
We're forming a blockade,
or a wall, if you will,
277
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,239
to stop the diggers getting in.
278
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,319
Why have you got so many
pairs of handcuffs?
279
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,999
Do you really want the answer
to that question?
280
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,399
Why do we even need handcuffs?
281
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,439
Why don't we just sit down
to stop the diggers?
282
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,759
What are you doing? Eh?
This way I can keep an eye on you.
283
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,799
Oh, great.
Make sure the gate is blocked.
284
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,359
We must form a human centipede.
285
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,639
Oh, OK, I think
you mean chain, Mr Williams.
286
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,599
He better. Keep your positions.
287
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,839
Remember your motivation.
You're part of a wall.
288
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,759
If you need to draw on anything,
draw on your favourite wall.
289
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,399
I'm using Berlin,
so you can't use that one, Richard.
290
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,679
Well, fine.
I'll be the Great Wall of China.
291
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,199
No, I want that one.
292
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:41,599
Everyone, I am
the Great Wall of China.
293
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:46,119
Well, I can't see a digger
getting through here.
294
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,399
The diggers are already inside.
295
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,720
What?
296
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,359
You didn't think to check?!
297
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,960
Thank you.
298
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,759
Right, well, at least you can
unlock us from these.
299
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,959
Where are the keys?
What did you say?
300
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,039
The keys! For the handcuffs.
301
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:12,759
As Macbeth said, my dull mind was
wrought with things forgotten.
302
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,920
You haven't got them? No.
Brilliant.
303
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,639
I was a frogman by trade, you see.
304
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,919
Got let go after claiming
I had a conversation
305
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,279
with Shergar in the Thames.
306
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,199
One of the builders have gone to
get some bolt-cutters.
307
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,399
You should be out of cuffs soon.
308
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:31,999
Can I get anyone water?
309
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,479
Have you got any sparkling?
310
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,959
Or with added electrolytes?
311
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,040
Just water.
312
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,439
Well, looks like we're going to be
here for a while, then.
313
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,399
Anyone want to play I-spy?
314
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,959
OTHERS: No.
315
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,879
What about the Minister's Cat?
316
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,639
Richard, you were very good at that,
if a little showy.
317
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,960
No, I'm fine, Mr Williams.
318
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,199
I was worried you'd maybe
fallen out with me, Beth.
319
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,279
The minister's cat
is an adorable cat.
320
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,279
No. Nothing like that.
321
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,799
I've just been doing some thinking.
322
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,279
Because I sent some messages.
323
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,079
Quite a few, actually.
324
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,679
Somebody needs to do B.
325
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,799
Did you? I haven't got them.
326
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,679
That's because you don't put
your mobile data on.
327
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,119
Oh, God. My mum never did that
either.
328
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,519
It was infuriating.
329
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,519
She thought getting a text message
outside the house
330
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,919
would bankrupt her.
331
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,919
Don't think anyone else is
playing now.
332
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:30,519
The thing is, Ken, I've been
thinking about your proposal,
333
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,599
and I know I said yes at the time,
334
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,959
but maybe that was a bit rash of me.
335
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,040
What's she saying, Richard?
336
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,279
She's...
337
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:46,680
She's saying that she's been
thinking about your proposal and...
338
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,959
...even though she said yes at the
time, that maybe it's a bit rash.
339
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,839
She's got a rash!?
340
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,039
Do you need someone to interpret
for me as well?
341
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,679
Tell him, Richard.
342
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,519
He's a lovely man.
343
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,080
A wonderful man.
344
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,639
You're a lovely, wonderful man.
345
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,559
And I'm so very glad I met him.
346
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,479
Even thinking about getting married
to him has taught me something.
347
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,639
That maybe...
348
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,520
...I can love again.
349
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,039
Maybe in the future, not now.
350
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,480
Just... not now.
351
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,479
I'm so very happy that I met you
352
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:36,199
and even thinking about
marrying you...
353
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,719
Is this you or Beth?
Who do you think?!
354
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,079
Right, I'm going to say this in
the third person, right?
355
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:46,239
She says that even thinking
about marrying you
356
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:50,600
has taught her that
she could love again...
357
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,280
...but...
358
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,279
...just not now.
359
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,879
Oh, I see.
360
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,519
Not...
361
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,760
Not now, not now, right, OK.
362
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,959
Not... Not now, right?
363
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,039
I am sorry.
364
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,999
Did you say sorry? No, no!
365
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,559
Don't...
366
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,479
Don't be sorry!
367
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,159
WHISPERS: Come on.
368
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,679
I... I maybe just got
a wee bit carried away.
369
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,200
Yeah, maybe I did too.
370
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,279
Are you going to be OK?
371
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,439
Pancake Day?
Yeah, you'll be fine.
372
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,079
How do you turn this mobile data
thing on, love?
373
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,880
Oh, um, you just...
374
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,559
...there you go. Oh.
375
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,039
PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY
376
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,399
Oh.
377
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,759
It's beeping all over the place.
378
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,519
VOICEMAIL: You have seven
new messages.
379
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,600
First message received
today at 10.34am.
380
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,479
ON PHONE: Hello, Beth.
It's Ken here.
381
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,159
Ken Pritchard. Again.
382
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,999
You can't take my call right now,
383
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,039
so I'm leaving you a message
after the tone.
384
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,759
Cheery-bye, then.
385
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,879
I better call him back.
386
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,239
You just spoke to him, Beth.
387
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,840
Oh, yes, so I did.
388
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,719
ON PHONE: Are you winding me up!?
Eh?
389
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,479
I'm just trying you, Beth.
I want to say sorry
390
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:15,639
for not telling you about...
391
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,279
Please tell me you hung up.
It used to be that...
392
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,839
Nothing good has ever come
from your mouth that started with
393
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,439
"it used to be that".
394
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,999
It used to be that when you
put the phone down, that was it,
395
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,319
it was hung up! And now it's
all blooming buttons and things.
396
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,239
No, there's just one button
you press once!
397
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,479
ON PHONE: Brilliant.
What a fantastic way
398
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,959
for everyone to know that I'm
in love with Emily,
399
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,160
just as she's about to fly halfway
round the world with her...
400
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,720
PNEUMATIC DRILL JUDDERS
401
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,960
Is, uh...
402
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,079
Is my mobile data on?
403
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,600
I very much doubt it.
404
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,999
I was a frogman by trade, you see.
405
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,759
THUNDER RUMBLES
406
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,160
Aye...
407
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,919
Well, we made a great job
of looking after the allotment
408
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,919
for your mother, didn't we, eh?
409
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,200
There you go.
410
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:31,040
Ach, well, we've still got
the train station, haven't we, eh?
411
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,639
Oh, hey. Emily,
please don't go to New Zealand.
412
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,439
What?!
413
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,319
Wow!
414
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,039
This guy does not quit.
415
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,639
I actually have to hand it to you,
416
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,439
persistence is one of the
key fundamental tenets of success.
417
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,799
I did a podcast about it.
You don't want to be with him.
418
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,319
He does podcasts!
I've never seen him laugh.
419
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,959
I can laugh. Well, go on, then.
420
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,319
What, just now? If it's so easy.
421
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,159
Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll... I'll...
422
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,479
I'll laugh.
423
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,679
HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY
424
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,999
Wait, that doesn't count.
425
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,760
No, whereas me...
426
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,519
HE LAUGHS
427
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,879
Yeah. Come on, I win!
428
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,119
Do you feel like a winner?
429
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,159
No. Not really.
Don't listen to him, Emily.
430
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,959
You're going to love New Zealand.
431
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,839
I've made loads of plans for us
to get lost in the moment.
432
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,479
You're forward-planning us
getting lost in the moment?
433
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,839
Well, yeah. You said you wanted to
do more of that, right?
434
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:38,960
Tim...
435
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,639
You're a lovely guy, OK.
436
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,239
A wonderful guy in fact, and,
437
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:49,839
you know, I am so very happy
that I met you.
438
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,199
You know, even thinking about moving
to New Zealand with you
439
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,399
has taught me something that...
440
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,759
...that maybe one day I can move
to New Zealand in the future.
441
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,599
Wait. This is exactly the same thing
that my mum just said to Ken.
442
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,920
The template's the same, sure.
443
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,839
So you're breaking up with me?
444
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,640
I'm... I'm sorry.
445
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,359
You're... you're
a really lovely guy.
446
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,319
Yeah, you're really nice.
Shut up! Shut up.
447
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,679
Sure.
448
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:22,600
Well... so there it goes.
HE GASPS
449
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,319
This might be the wrong time,
450
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,199
but do you fancy going for dinner
tonight? Wow!
451
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,919
Too soon? It's too soon.
Yeah, yeah, I thought it might be.
452
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,919
Richard, you have had
since we were 16 to ask me out.
453
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,959
You could have asked me out three
months ago,
454
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,039
but you chose to go to Norway.
455
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,759
I've always been plan B.
456
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,639
You were my plan A.
457
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,359
Not now, Tim. Sorry.
458
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,839
No, I am going to go travelling.
459
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,439
I'm going to do it on my own,
460
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,479
and for once in my life, I'm going
to do something just for me.
461
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,560
No. I get it.
462
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,039
But just to be clear, you don't
want me to come with you?
463
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,240
Halt! Halt!
464
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,839
Take a look at this! Look, have you
seen this? Look.
465
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,319
What's happening?
466
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,960
I've no idea.
467
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,519
You're going to have to hang around
until the police get here,
468
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:22,719
I'm afraid. Police?!
469
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,159
We've found bones in the earth.
470
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,919
Bones? What kind of bones?
Chicken bones?
471
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,479
Yeah, they've stopped digging
because they're found someone's KFC.
472
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,119
Human bones? Alas, poor Yorick.
473
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,199
We don't know,
but all work will need to be halted
474
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,199
until further notice.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
475
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,600
Excuse me.
476
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,319
Bones!
477
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,159
CHANTING: Bones! Bones! Bones!
Bones!
478
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,440
Guys, I think
this is a bit distasteful.
479
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,120
HE SNIFFLES
480
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:15,080
Woohoo!
481
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,439
Oh, hello.
482
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,039
I wanted to give you this.
483
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,519
Oh.
484
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:28,880
Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand
with him, just till he settles in.
485
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,880
I thought you could look after this
till I get back?
486
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,999
Oh, right.
487
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,880
It's a pear tree.
488
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,960
It's blossom is meant to represent
lasting friendship.
489
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,480
You don't get nothing.
490
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,680
Pint of heavy?
491
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,840
Yeah, why not?
492
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,279
Oh, bugger, I've left my phone!
493
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,040
It's all right, I'll get it.
494
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:31,720
Hello there.
495
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:34,840
All right?
496
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,880
Sorry about earlier. I just...
497
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,040
...couldn't.
498
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,959
What have you got there?
499
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,759
It's a plum tree.
500
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,760
I like plums.
501
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,920
Me too.
502
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,359
For God's sake,
are we going to get this pint?
503
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,239
Have you got the phone?!
504
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,120
Yes, Dad.
505
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,360
LIVELY MUSIC AND CHATTER
506
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,000
Ta.
507
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,480
So, where are you going to go, then?
508
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,119
TBC.
509
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,959
To be continued.
510
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,639
To be confirmed.
511
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,000
Oh, that TBC.
512
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:59,240
Well... when you get back,
I'll still feel the same.
513
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,480
Well, thanks for finally telling me
how you feel...
514
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,799
...even if it was in a voicemail from
your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum.
515
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:14,879
Well, I guess I figured -
"What's the modern-day equivalent
516
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,560
"of a message in a bottle?"
517
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,080
I can't believe I've messed this up
so badly.
518
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,040
I'm not saying never, Richard.
519
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:31,039
I guess you and me can be
TBC for now.
520
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,719
To be confirmed?
521
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,559
To be continued.
522
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,319
Oh, the other one this time.
523
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,719
What?
524
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,039
Have you ever thought
about auditioning for comedy roles?
525
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,159
I think you'd be quite good.
526
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,239
Casting directors disagree.
527
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,559
Well, why don't you write
your own show?
528
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,199
Hello, Jen.
529
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,800
GLASSES CLATTER
530
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,119
What WOULD I write about?
531
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,959
TAPPING ON A GLASS
532
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,359
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the
Greenfield Allotments,
533
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,239
who live to fight another day!
534
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,039
CHEERING
535
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:08,639
And while we're celebrating, my wife
and I would like to announce
536
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,079
that we have decided to
renew our wedding vows.
537
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,720
Oh, and you're all invited.
538
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,519
Oh, no, no, sorry.
539
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,159
Shirley, I didn't see you there.
540
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,599
Three stars on Tripadvisor, indeed.
541
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,440
Anyway, on with the party!
542
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,040
You all right? Yeah. I think so.
543
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:40,719
So, what now?
544
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,679
What now?
545
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:47,239
Well, we're going to get up,
we're going to get dressed,
546
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,319
and we're going to keep
buggering on.
547
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,840
PHONE RINGS
548
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,279
Sally, hi.
Richard, I've just heard back.
549
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,039
It's a no, I'm afraid.
550
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,919
Right. But the casting director
wants to ask
551
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,879
if the other actor was available.
552
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,399
Which actor?
553
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,400
The one reading the other lines.
554
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,359
Are you taking the piss?
555
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:20,960
Eh?
556
00:27:21,010 --> 00:27:25,560
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