Original subtitles

? Chilli, chilli, chilli, chilli

? Chilli con carne!

? Chilli, chilli con carne!

? Chilli, chilli con carne

? Ken Pritchard's chilli

? Chilli con carne. ?

Hey, hey! I tell you, Beth will not be able to resist my famous chilli.

Your mother never could.

HE CHUCKLES

She will be putty in my hands!

Hoo-hoo!

Oh, there you are. Are you enjoying your book?

You don't enjoy Stanislavski, Dad.

You learn, you embrace.

You transcend. Has it got cowboys in it?

Sure. Oregano. Oregano, please.

Erm, I've been meaning to say about the other day

in the woods with Emily.

I don't know what you saw or what you think you saw,

erm, but it's nothing.

Yeah, right. Right, OK.

Yeah? Er...

What is it I'm meant to have seen?

Are you saying that you... didn't see?

Oh, I don't know.

Did you see anything?

No.

It's all right. Just ignore me.

Oregano?

I thank you. I thank you.

You mean the kiss!

It is really important that when Beth comes round,

that you don't mention that me and Emily kissed.

Right.

Say no more.

Really?

Great. Well, that was easy.

But I can mention it to Beth.

Sit back down again. Yeah.

Don't mention it to anyone.

Mention it? No.

Don't mention it. Well, er, which is it, Richard?

Let's go with don't mention it.

So, I've not to mention it now?

Mentioning it was never an option.

Let's take mentioning it off the table.

Got you. Do you?

No.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY OK.

It's very simple.

Just don't talk about me and Emily in the woods

at any point in time...

...to anyone.

Mention it. Now it's don't mention it.

It was only ever don't mention it.

Is that the way you always do it, by the way?

What? Kiss.

What's wrong with the way I kiss?

Well, when you kiss a lady on the mouth...

My life might be in the toilet,

but watching my dad winch his own hand is a low I will not stoop to.

What are you staring at? Ach, that damp patch up there.

I should have painted that before Beth came over.

That's the first thing she's going to see when she walks in here.

I don't think so.

No? No.

She's far more likely to see the fly graveyard here.

Oh, that's your fault for making me put the spiders outside.

Right, you hoover that up and I'll paint over that.

Dad, how many times. You're too old to be going up ladders at your age.

Look, I'll hoover and you just ignore the paint.

I'll use the good ladders if that puts your mind at ease.

No, it's the fact you still keep bad ladders, is my point.

I, er, I wanted to ask you something, son.

Oh, yeah?

Ach, salt police!

It's, eh, it's about Beth and your mother.

Do you maybe not want to eat something while...

Oh, never mind. Are you enjoying that?

Mm! It's lovely. Thank you.

A wee bit chewy, this, actually.

Yeah, that's why I said not to do it.

Mm. Don't have another bit!

Yeah. Mm.

Well, it's just, the other day...

...I thought I saw your mother.

I mean, it was just for a second, you know,

and I knew it wasnae her, but, eh...

Well, I kind of went a bit tingly,

and I was wondering maybe if it was a message from your mother

to say that...

...me seeing Beth was hurting her feelings.

Do you want to know what I think? I do.

I think...

...the dead don't send us messages.

I just think they want us to carry on with our lives.

OK.

WHISPERS: Yeah, of course.

Thanks, son.

Sure.

Any time.

And just maybe to clarify a wee bit, you know,

it couldn't have actually been your mother, could it?

Like a ghost, or something?

Dad, come on! Don't be silly.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

POPS LOUDLY HE GASPS

Why are you wearing your painting clothes?

Well, what else am I going to paint in?

No, we've been through this. You're not painting in anything.

I'm not painting naked, Richard.

You're not painting at all. This'll only take five minutes.

All right, fine, end up in hospital, see if I care.

Oh, don't be so bloody dramatic!

I'm just trying to look after you.

I don't know why you insist on making it so difficult.

Oh, and he's using the bad ladders. Well, this is brilliant.

These are not the bad ladders, Richard.

It's just not as new as the good ladders.

Dad, they're a deathtrap.

All right, fine, OK, you've got your way again, I'll do it.

I'm not asking you to do it. Dad, I'm doing it.

All right. Up you go, then. Well, I'm obviously not using these.

Where are the good ladders? They're out the back.

Why? Because I feel bad for these ladders,

and if I keep the other ladders outside, well, these...

...these ladders feel a bit more important,

like they still have some kind of use in life, you know.

Sorry, are these Pixar ladders?

Listen, these ladders have seen me through countless paint jobs

and gutter clearances.

I built your cot with these ladders.

Why the hell were you using a ladder to build a cot?

In all my time, these ladders have laddered it.

These ladders are part of the family. OK.

Just... just so I get this straight,

you keep Buzz Lightyear out there to keep old Woody here's nose in joint?

Is that Albie Lightyear's boy that works at the library?

What's he got to do with it? OK. Right. I'm getting the good ladders.

Take no notice.

PHONE VIBRATES

Sally, hi.

Richard, how are you?

Well, you know, getting by.

Well, I wish you were, then I'd get my 10%.

Well, has anything come in?

Uh, no, but I'm working on a plan for that.

Safe space, yeah? Sure.

The thing is, I've just come back from a course on diversity,

which I was made to attend for reasons I'm not allowed to go into.

Some speccy twat in HR's idea, you know.

Yeah, I'm starting to see why they made you do the course.

Anyways, one thing I learned was,

apparently some disabilities are invisible!

OK. Yes.

So, what should we put you down for?

What... what can we put me down for?

You need a USP, Richard. This could be it.

All I'm saying is, if we add an invisible disability to your CV,

we might actually get you some auditions.

I don't have an invisible disability.

Prove it.

Well, I...

Well, I can't. Well, exactly, you see.

So, we are on the same page, then?

No, no, we're not on the same page,

and I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened.

Why don't we start with snow blindness

and see if we get any bites?

Always a pleasure, Sally.

Write me a list of every invisible disability tout suite!

LINE DISCONNECTS

MUFFLED: Help!

Mr Pritch?

Help!

Mr Pritch? Help!

Help! Mr Pritch?

Help!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I've fallen off the ladders.

OK, right, just hang on a minute, let's get this up.

OK. Right, let's get you up.

Oh! My back, my back, my back!

Right, change of plan, let's get you down. Oh!

Where's Richard? He's outside.

OK, right, stay there, obviously, and I'll go get him.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He hasn't seen me.

Just, please, don't mention it to him.

Just help me up into the armchair.

No, I don't think I can do that.

Oh, please. Please, Emily.

Let's just keep this between you and I.

He'll only give me into trouble.

Oh...

BIRD SQUAWKS Shut up.

Oh, OK, fine.

You're a wee darling.

What would I do without you?

One, two, three!

HE GROANS

Careful. Be gentle.

HE GASPS

Oh... How are you feeling?

Yeah, I'm all right, I'm all right, I'm all right.

Uh, Mr Pritch, I...

I wanted to catch you before Beth came over,

um, about what you might have seen in the woods the other day.

Oh, you're OK, you're OK.

I've already been briefed to keep schtum about the kiss

by His Lordship. Oh, great.

OK. And here, don't worry, I'm going to talk him about his technique.

He'll be ready for you the next time.

CLATTERING Oh. Oh, OK.

Oh, the television, the television.

Emily, hi.

Richard, hi. Hi.

I was just chatting to your dad about...

...you know, and how it would be great

if he didn't mention anything about the, uh, you know, to Beth.

Yeah. He knows.

Knows what?

That you've not to mention what you've not to mention.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm not going to mention it.

Great. And if I do mention it, it'll be an accident.

OK, can you just be really deliberate

about what you talk about?

You know, stay clear of anything to do with, you know,

kissing or lips or woods.

Not leaving me much else, is it?

Dad, you could talk about literally anything else.

All right, all right, all right.

Cool. Well, that seems sorted, then.

Actually, I do need to talk to you about something too.

Definitely.

Dad, could you give us a minute?

No.

Yeah, sorry about him.

I don't know what that was all about.

OK.

Welcome to MTV Cribs.

This is where all the magic happens.

I mean, I joke but it often was just me

in here with an amateur magic kit.

Oh, it's smaller than I remember. Yeah.

I think that's cos we've grown. Yes.

I didn't think the room had shrunk, Richard.

No.

So...

...how are you?

I'm good.

Am I good? Don't know. Um...

I need to talk to you about something.

That's so good, because I need to talk to you too.

Since we kissed, it's like this fog has been lifted from my brain,

and I was worried you might have regretted it

or you pretend it hadn't happened... I'm going to New Zealand.

What?

I'm going to New Zealand.

Sorry, just to be clear, this is with Tim?

It is.

Would it be weird if I came with you?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought... The minute I said that,

I thought it sounded weird.

I'm sorry.

Hey. Fuhgeddaboudit!

I mean, you know, we could have an actual proper conversation about it,

if you like.

No, that's fine. You're...

You're with Tim now, on the other side of the world.

So, that is the definition of...

...of fine.

I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry.

I'm fed up of saying sorry all the time.

You know, I say sorry to people on the street who walk into me.

I mean, what is that? Why do I do that?

I don't want to be the sorry person any more.

I want to be the person who in ten years' time can say,

"Oh, New Zealand? Oh, yeah, I used to live there actually," you know?

I want to be that person.

You could lie about it.

But I want to go. I want to do things.

I want to be in a Fleetwood Mac song, you know.

I want to go my own way.

Well, if I could name another Fleetwood Mac song -

Landslide - of which there are a lot in New Zealand.

I did a geography project on it in my fourth year at school.

The only thing I have to be sorry for is...

...is that we kissed.

I don't do that.

I don't cheat.

I take it Tim didn't see?

No.

And I don't want him to ever find out.

It was a mistake, Richard.

Yeah, totally.

DOORBELL RINGS

Richard.

That's the door!

Can you not get it?

No.

Hello, Richard.

Have you been crying?

No. You look like you've been crying, doesn't he, Tim?

Yeah.

Bottom lip's definitely quivering there, mate.

Do you want to come in? Yeah. Oh, great. OK.

Oh, Emily?

Hi, babe. What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd give mum a lift. Aw.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I knew you'd be giving your mum a lift,

because you're so bloody nice.

So I thought I'd meet you here. Yeah.

And I'm... I'm here, um, because I live here.

Hello, Beth!

What did he say?

He said "Hello, Beth." Oh.

Hello, Ken!

What did she say, Richard?

Dad, can you just come through?

No, no, I'm fine here.

Do you want us to come through, Ken?

What did she say, Richard? Oh, shall we just go through?

Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you bring them through here, Richard?

Sorry about my appearance. I was going to get changed.

I seem to have lost track of time.

Oh, I think you look nice.

I like an elasticated waistband on a man, don't I, Tim?

She does, yes.

Eh, Richard, why don't you pop through

and get some drinks for people, eh?

Maybe check on the chilli while you're at it.

Why can't you?

Would you maybe just do that, please.

You couldn't pass me my book, could you?

Yes. I could pass it.

Yeah, I'd be happy to.

There you go. Oh!

Oh, you couldn't pass me a tissue as well, could you?

Oh, tissue as well? Yes. Aye.

I can do that.

HE GROANS

I knew it. You went up the ladder, didn't you? Yes.

And you fell off. Yes. Oh, Ken, are you all right?

No, no, don't feel sorry for him.

I told him this would happen, didn't I? Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes! What, and then you thought, "I'll just keep it a secret

"for the whole evening?" And to top it off,

you make Emily cover for you.

Well, I'm keeping that many secrets at the moment,

it just seemed a natural thing to do.

I think me and Tim should probably get out of your hair.

No, no, no, no, no, don't go on his account, honestly.

It's like living with a bloody baby-sitter.

Maybe that's because you make me act like a baby-sitter.

Guys, would it help if we ran through

some conflict resolution techniques? Lift the mood. Probably not.

No. I mean, what if you'd actually hurt yourself, and for what?

Just to make a point.

Everything's a bloody lecture with you.

Uh, fellas... No, hold on.

All I want is for you to take care of yourself,

but instead, you just insist on pretending

you're a 25-year-old instead of a 75-year-old!

Seriously, guys... Hold on, Tim. No, it's just that...

I really need to say this. Sorry, guys,

I don't want to stifle your truth. It's just that the kitchen's...

You know what you are? You are an agent of chaos!

I refute that. SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

You see. Exactly my point.

Well, the good news is, the rice is still fine.

That's most of it away.

I'm sorry about this, Beth.

Oh, not to worry. I wasn't that hungry anyway.

Ah. We could do something else.

Have you got any board games?

I do.

Where is that pub quiz one, Richard?

No, that's out of date. We're not going to eat it.

No, it's... It's outdated.

I mean, one of the questions was name the three Sugababes.

Is that wrong?

Oh, yeah, it's wrong,

cos there's six Sugababes in total after all the line-up changes,

you know, with Heidi, Amelle and Jade coming in afterwards,

whereas, the question only relates to the original three.

You know, Mutya, Keisha and Siobhan.

Sorry, I don't know why I know so much about the Sugababes.

I know a game we can play.

We? We?

So, I'm a woman. Yes.

I'm Scottish. That's right.

But I'm not an actor, musician,

novelist or athlete of any kind?

No.

Oh, I give up.

No, you can't give up. Come on, you're almost there.

In what way am I almost there?

You've just got to keep asking.

Well, uh...

Am I a war correspondent?

No, you're not.

But in time you could be.

What?! Oh...

Who the hell is Celeste Frick?!

Who the hell is Celeste Frick?

She is a reporter on the Forres Gazette.

SNIGGERING

Easier than yours, to be fair.

Mm. Right, OK. My turn.

Am I a fan of this person? Yes.

Steven Bartlett. No.

Gary Neville. No. Wait...

Jake Humphrey. No, no, no. You need to ask more general questions.

Gordon Ramsay. And the game's over.

Oh, no! You haven't done me yet.

Am I still active?

Cheers.

MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

EMILY: 489.

BETH: Yes! Oh, my God!

What a guess!

The Louvre. The Louvre. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes!

The Louvre!

Right, you guys, come on.

The Earth's atmosphere is primarily composed of what two gasses?

BETH: Hydrogen.

EMILY: And farts.

KEN CHUCKLES You're along the right lines.

Good. Farts and hydrogen.

Hurray! Yes!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Mind if I join you?

Surprised you made it down the stairs.

Yeah, well, the pain has eased a little.

Probably the whisky kicking in.

That and the dihydrocodeine.

Should you be taking that without a prescription?

Oh, do shut up!

KEN GROANS

The trouble is, I am 25 up here.

I mean, I can get my head round not being able to drive.

Well, almost.

But being told you can't do a wee bit of painting

is really...

KEN SIGHS

That's why I...

That's why I keep the bad ladders.

I know exactly what they're going through.

Emily's moving to New Zealand with Tim.

Oh.

That won't last forever.

Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, son.

I can't believe I'm going to quote Tim,

but he once said,

"All we have is the future."

And he's right.

Everything else just goes by in a flash.

I shouldn't have waited so long.

I should have just done what my heart was telling me

to do from the start.

What?

Eh? No, no, no, nothing, nothing at all.

They've sent me out to tell you that charades is starting.

They're very excited about it.

Oh... That's me seized up again.

That's your fault for making me sit on this wall!

My fault? Are you winding me up?

You'll need to help me up. Go on.

Argh!

Tell them we'll be an hour.

Don't be so bloody cheeky.

Oh, it's a book.

A book!

I got it. Yeah, you're supposed to guess the name of the book, Mum.

Oh, yes, of course.

Moby-Dick.

No, I need to mime it first.

Is it How To Cope With Anxiety by Martin Colston?

How would I mime that?

I don't know, but it's, um... It's a really good book. OK.

Film. Film.

Two verses. Two words.

First word. First word.

High Fidelity.

Piss off!

How do you just keep getting each other's like...?

It's like you share the same brain or something.

Uh, OK. Yeah, I've got one.

No, but I just... On you go.

Phrase, phrase. Phrase.

ALL: Five words. First word.

You. Point. Point.

Is it a circle? Drawing.

Lady... Beth?

Carry... Oh, Beth.

It's me.

It's Beth. Second word.

Two, second word. Second word. Sounds like.

Sounds like. Writing. Uh...

Tablets. Looking.

Tiny. Eating. Berocca. Eating.

Eating. Snacks. A picnic?

Pill. Pill. Sounds like pill.

Pill. Pill, dill, will, nil...

Will. Will? It's will.

Third word.

You. You... Me?

You. Mum.

Will you...

Beth, will you... You.

Dad... Shut up, Richard.

Fourth word.

Oh, I'm having ever so much fun.

It sounds like carry. Baby.

Baby. Oh, yeah, carrying. Carrying the baby.

Sounds like carry.

Right, carry, Larry, Barry...

...marry...

EMILY: Fifth word.

Me.

Oh, Ken, I'd love to.

Mum, maybe take a minute.

Yeah, also, can I just point out that my dad's on

very strong painkillers right now? It's OK.

I know what I'm doing.

You'd better kiss the bride.

And I'll make sure it's a better one than Richard gave Emily.

What?!

What...

Richard kissed Emily?

Yes.

But we're not supposed to mention it.

Oh.

Is...?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0