Original subtitles

HE GRUNTS

HE MUMBLES

Morning. Morning.

You're... in a coffin.

I am, yes.

Do you want to talk about that, or...?

Well, John Docherty over at Broom of Moy was selling it on the online,

and he gave me a very good price, if that's what you're worried about.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Yeah, I was just sort of trying it out and I must have drifted off,

which is exactly what it's for, to be fair.

What time is it, by the way? Oh, it's 11:30.

Is that you just out your pit?

Says the man literally lying in a coffin. Eh?

Get out the coffin, Dad.

No, I won't get out the coffin.

Get out of the coffin, Dad.

I will not get out of the coffin, Richard.

OK, fine. Then I'm going back to bed.

Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine!

I still think we should email the producers about doing a spin-off.

We could call it Dr Sparrow's Casebook.

Not this again. If anyone should get a spin-off, it should be me.

Judge Baskir was better than your character.

Why can't it be about my character?

Because your character's dead, Terry. Oh, yeah.

IN-GAME VOICE: Headshot! Sorry, Terry.

No, that's fine, I shouldn't have been standing there.

Are you actually planning on getting dressed today?

One sec, guys, my flatmate wants to ask me a question.

Can I help you? I am not letting you waste another day

playing this silly computer game with your sad little actor pals.

We're not sad little actor pals.

Although I'm a bit concerned about Terry. He's almost 60.

Yeah, 62, actually.

Headphones - mute.

Listen, just because Norway didn't work out

doesn't mean you have to give up on life!

I've not given up on life.

I have.

Oh, bloody headphones!

Meanwhile, I've got to creep about the town

pretending you're still in blooming Norway.

No guesses for what we're eating come the apocalypse.

Oh, yes, we've had a tremendous yield up the allotment this year.

Here, stick that in my glory hole.

Say again?

My glory hole.

Er, you mean cupboard.

You say cupboard, I say glory hole.

It's hardly tomato-tomayto, is it?

Your mother and I had tremendous use out of a glory hole over the years.

Do you remember that list of words and phrases

where I explained to you over years the meaning has changed?

Sometimes quite drastically.

Yes...

Forget it.

Ohh.

I'm going to have to take him to the tailor's.

Hopefully Alfonso will be able to fix him.

OK, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

How long is this going to go on for, Richard, hey?

You skulking about the house in secret.

I mean, honestly, so what? You got sacked.

I didn't get sacked.

Me and the producers mutually agreed that my character

would best serve the story by... not being a part of it.

I mean, you're still a young man. I'm 39.

Oh, come on, you've got all your own hair.

You've got a lovely smile.

Anything else?

Did I mention the hair?

PHONE VIBRATES

Sally. Hi.

Richard, hi. Nothing's come in. Right. Same time next week?

Oh, Benedict, darling!

She's trying out a new system to save time.

Listen.

Why don't you come up your mother's old allotment with me today, hey?

You used to like it up there,

and I could do with your help to move one or two things.

What if Emily sees me? Oh, just tell her the truth.

I'm sure she won't mind.

I've been sending her photos of me and other actors on set

for the last three months now.

I've had to do four Photoshop tutorials.

You can't hide away forever.

You'll need to take a leaf out of my book.

I'm up that allotment every day getting my steps in,

tilling the soil, feeling the sun on my face.

I'm even an admin on the Forres What Is App group.

It's WhatsApp, and everyone's an admin.

Well, at least come to the town hall with me tonight. What for?

What for, he says! What for?!

The Save Our Allotment campaign,

to stop the council chucking us off the land

and selling it to some bloody developer!

I didn't know they were going to do that.

Come on, son.

I could use your help.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I can't.

Well, you're going to have to leave the house at some point today.

Why?

RICHARD SIGHS

HE SNEEZES, COFFIN CLATTERS

Will you be careful? I've got to live in that when I'm dead.

I still can't believe you've done this.

I don't want you spending your money on me when I'm dead.

This is an investment in your future.

Stocks would have been fine. HE SNEEZES

Remind me to take you off my pallbearer list, will you?

It's the pollen. I've not been exposed for a while.

Oh... And pull those trousers up, Richard.

What are people going to think?

CAR HORN TOOTS

All right, Mr Pritch.

Hello, Emily, love.

Is everything OK?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, aye, aye, aye.

OK.

Um... I'm going to have to get that holdall I leant you back.

I'm going away for the weekend, and... that is a coffin.

Yes, yes, it is, aye.

John Docherty?

Yes!

Thought it might be.

Well, as far as coffins go...

Yes, I'm actually very pleased with it myself.

MUFFLED SNEEZE

Apart from the fact it keeps doing that.

Emily! Hi.

How are things?

So... you're back?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just got a couple of days off,

so I thought I'd come back, see the old man.

Old man? Who's that?

You. Oh, charming.

Old man. Ha! There you go.

Thank you.

Oh...

Oh, I'll take that.

Jeez.

So, off anywhere nice?

Er, just the Lake District.

I've booked myself into a spa.

Who are you going with?

No-one.

Just a bit of me time.

I'm enjoying all the photos from set.

Good.

What's Kelly Macdonald like?

She's a total sweetheart. Mm-hm? Mm-hm.

Yeah, and a very generous performer.

Aww. Hmm. Cool.

What about, um, Robert Carlyle?

Nightmare. Oh.

Well, I mean, it's an amazing cast to be part of.

I've actually got a scene with Martin Compston tomorrow,

so I'm flying back tonight. Wow!

Gosh, is there any Scottish actor NOT in this show?

I could name one.

And this... this look.

Yeah, it's...

I'm playing this detective who's got a lot of inner pain.

Is that because his washing machine's broken?

Um, right, well, I... I should really...

I'll see you out. Yeah. See you later, Mr Pritch.

Enjoy!

I love Martin Compston.

Can you get me a selfie?

Definitely. That's easy.

Um...

I mean, he doesn't let many people into his inner circle, Marty.

That's what he lets me call him.

Um...

But I think he's taking a bit of a shine to me,

so, yeah, I'll definitely get that selfie.

Thanks.

It was nice to see you.

And you.

Bye, Emily.

Bye, Richard.

That worked out well.

How's that, exactly?

Now she knows you're back, you can come up the allotment with me.

HE CRUNCHES

All right, Richie! What are you doing back?

Digsy.

What am I like, eh?

There he is. Dr Sparrow. All right?

Ian, Jen, how are you both?

Oh, grand.

We're actually just off to marriage counselling.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, no! Nothing wrong with our marriage. No.

No, the counsellor's moved up here from London

and we want to see what her house looks like.

60 grand she spent doing it up.

Oh, isn't it exciting? Excuse us,

we don't want to be late.

DIGSY: Just saying there, what am I like?

Are you wearing aftershave?

No, I'm not, but I wish you were.

Stink coming off you!

Richard Pritchard.

Mr Williams.

Oh, come now, Horace.

We're not in drama class any more.

So, my protege returns.

I presume all the letters of thanks for the success you've had

over the years were lost in the post.

Oh, I wouldn't call it success.

So, what news from the front, AKA Shaftesbury Avenue?

Does she ask for me?

I wouldn't know.

At the moment I'm very much round the corner in the ITV3 cul-de-sac.

How's it been since...?

Since the headmaster caught me with a bottle of peach schnapps

in the janitor's cupboard?

Well, I was going to say early retirement, but...

Well, as you can see, I'm thriving!

I pay �28 a year to sit here, drink wine,

enjoy the view.

So, you tell me who's winning!

Uh...

I think you'll find that's me.

Would you care to join me for a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape?

Well, like when you asked me that at school,

it's a little early for me.

Kenneth, you'll be at the town hall tonight, I presume?

Oh, yes, yes, we'll be there, in force.

I've organised a strategy meeting beforehand.

I thought the pub would be good.

SOFTLY: Thought you might.

Well, listen, it's... it's been great to catch up.

Quickly, quickly, can we just do this? Right.

Step this way. Up here.

Bloody hell.

That was quick.

Can we get this over with?

I want to be home for Tipping Point. There you go.

This is what you needed help moving?

Uh-huh. It's heavier than it looks.

I'll find you. I will find you.

Has that guy got a gun? Och, aye, it's just Paul.

Somebody's been stealing his radishes.

So he's just walking about with a gun?

Oh, it's not a gun, it's an air rifle.

I mean, you can't do a lot of damage shooting air, can you?

That's not what an air rifle is. Yes, yes, there you go.

I'll put the kettle on.

HE GROANS

Put a bit of bump and grind into it!

What?

A bit of bump and grind.

We're updating that list of words and phrases tonight.

Got you, you filthy tea leaf! What are you doing?!

Paul, I've detained the suspect!

No, there's been a... Agh! Paul! No, no, no!

...a misunderstanding!

Oh, misunderstanding, is it?

Let me explain! Where is he?

Oh, good, the gun's here now. This must be your radish thief, Paul.

I mean, look at the state of him!

Hey, I've been having a bit of a rough time lately.

Shut it! OK.

Do you know how long it takes to grow a radish?

Sorry, is that a real question?

60 days in total!

60.

It's not bad, actually.

Aye, well, they are one of the fastest-growing vegetables,

to be fair.

That's why I like them.

But you keep nicking them!

Everything OK?

Could you please stop doing that?!

Oh...

Beth seems...

...nice.

Oh, yeah, she is.

She's a lovely woman.

Lost her husband about a year ago.

Did they check the body for rake marks?

She actually moved up here from England to be closer to her son.

What's that?

Oh, that? That's...

That's something your mother left me.

It's a kind of gardening encyclopaedia, you know.

She didn't want me to let the place go to ruin.

Mind you, I nearly did.

I just... Oh...

I couldn't face coming up here without her, you know?

I know, Dad.

Aye, that's right. Well, there you are.

Life moves on, eh?

I knew it.

It was aftershave.

Give me that!

Loveburn.

I think you can get a cream for that.

That's private! It was written on the bottle.

Written on the bottle!

Nosing at people's stuff.

How would you like it if I stuck my nose into your affairs?

No, you wouldn't like it then, would you?

SHE SIGHS

Hi, uh, Beth. We didn't really get a chance to meet...

...mainly because you were assaulting me with a rake, but...

I'm sorry about that.

I thought you were a hobo.

Oh, no, not a hobo.

A scaghead, is that the one?

Oh, I can't believe I attacked Dr Sparrow!

Don't worry about it. I love Detective Manners.

Me and the girlies used to get together every Sunday night

with a bottle of wine and try and guess who the killer was.

Apart from Rachinda.

The wine, I mean. She's Muslim.

Mmm. But lovely. Well, yeah. Oh, did that sound racist?

Um... I can't keep up now, Richard.

Look at toilets. I mean, what's going on with them now?

And people, they say it's your responsibility to educate yourself,

go online. Go where?

I'm only on the Facebook and we're all as confused as each other.

I better head off before I get cancelled, I think.

I just want everyone to be happy. Sure.

Things change so quickly, and what if I say the wrong thing?

God, they don't give you a second chance these days,

and I never mean any harm. Oh...

But sometimes my mouth runs on ahead of my brain.

PHONE CHIMES

Sorry about that.

No, don't... don't apologise.

PHONE CHIMES Oh!

BOTH: Strategy meeting!

PHONES CHIME

EXCITED GIGGLING

CHIMING CONTINUES

Are you... Are you going to turn them off or...? Oh, yes, yes, aye.

Let me see now. It's... Yeah, you just...

You... No, you just press that. Which?

You just press that button. Which button? You just...

You're just unlocking the phone, not conducting an orchestra.

What do I press here, Richard, is it snooze or stop?

Oh, my God, there's two of them.

AIR RIFLE SHOT, SHRIEK

A Dubonnet and lemonade.

Sorry again, Horace.

Shot you in the eye, then, did he, Horace?

Well, the doctor thought he didn't really need the eye patch,

but Horace insisted.

So, it was Mr Williams who was stealing your radishes?

Oh, I didn't mean to shoot him.

The air rifle must have been faulty.

Fawlty Towers.

Oh, I loved that.

Were you in that one, Richard?

What?! Shall we begin?

I must say I thought there'd be a bigger turnout tonight.

I'm sorry, Horace, my son was going to come,

but he's on holiday with his partner.

He's a personal trainer, Richard,

if ever you felt like pulling yourself together.

First point of order, I think I should speak on our behalf tonight.

Really? Even with the eye patch?

What's the matter, Richard? Worried you won't have top billing now?

I know these allotments.

I know their stories.

Take Glenda, she took her stroke there.

Remember that, Glenda?

Well, not really, because of the stroke.

You live alone.

If it had happened at home, you'd be dead.

Well, the doctor said it was only a small one.

You'd be deceased, Glenda!

Oh, right.

One might even say it was a stroke of good luck.

I'd rather you didn't. OK.

Paul, you were an addict.

Well, you're always an addict, Horace.

But, yes, since I took up the allotment two years ago,

I have been free of all drugs.

Oh!

Well done.

OTHERS GASP

Ahh! Right, whose round is it?

I am one with the allotment.

I am the gentle breeze that blows through.

I am the morning dew on the lawns.

Oh, I wondered who that was.

Well, I think we should maybe still have a vote on it.

Would you still want to vote if you heard me say,

"Daffodils, that came before the swallow dare,

"and took the winds of March with beauty"?

Yeah. Yeah. I... I think we should still have a vote.

It's... It's the eye patch. Yeah. Yeah. It's the eye patch for me.

OK, so, everyone who thinks that Horace should speak for us tonight,

raise your hands.

Very well.

Who DO you think should speak on our behalf?

Well, I think it should be somebody

who's not afraid of being on stage,

who can maybe sort of, you know,

learn their lines in... in a professional way.

Absolutely not!

Oh, come on, it's only for tonight.

You're a performer.

You're used to dealing with crowds.

Oh, I am a performer.

Aye, and a very good one too. Well, you know,

I've always said it's about finding the truth in whatever...

I know what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it.

Aww. Listen, if you won't do it for me, do it for your mother.

She made me promise to look after the place and she did say,

"Try and get Richard to help if you can."

It's funny how I was never privy to these apparent conversations.

She said you'd say that.

Peach schnapps, please, Jen.

Aye.

Always the understudy, never the starring role.

Good to have you back, Richard.

One lager and one double gin.

Lovely. Dr Sparrow.

I cannot wait for the new show to come out.

I've been learning Norwegian.

It's in English, Jen.

What?! Oh, well, we're still looking forward to it.

And I think someone might be replacing Pylon Paul

at number one on the wall of fame.

God rest his soul.

Well, no, he's not dead, love.

But he has learned his lesson.

Oh. Completely converted the basement, she has, Richard.

Who? The marriage counsellor.

Yeah, that's where she has her appointments.

She's actually booked us in for next week.

Thinks we have some deep-rooted, unsolved issues

we need to work through.

And we only went in for a nosy!

Uh, that will be �12.45, please, including the peach schnapps.

THEY GROAN

Oh, you're back!

Someone told me if you're nervous about making a speech,

you should imagine the audience naked.

Never worked for me.

I remember looking at everybody during my husband's eulogy

thinking, "You should be ashamed of yourself, turning up like that.

"Where's your respect?"

Oh! Oh, my God. It's my Tim.

Tim! Tim! Over here!

Everyone, my son's here.

Oh, here he is now.

Hi. Tim. First name?

Tim.

You're called Tim? I'm sorry, I got confused.

What is your first name? Richard.

Hi, Richard.

What are you doing here? You're meant to be on holiday.

Oh, bloody car broke down.

We had to get towed back from Inverness.

Still, it means that I can be here with you now.

Yeah. So, where's your lovely lady?

Oh, she's coming. Oh, there she is.

Hi, everyone.

Mr Pritch.

So, did Richard get back OK?

Well, he scurried under the table quick enough.

Hi, Richard. Hi, Emily.

Just under the table at the moment. Mm-hm.

Hi, dude, are you OK?

Hi. Yeah, I was just saying to Emily -

I'm just under the table at the moment.

Cool.

So, are you two...? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Great. That's great to hear.

That's us...

That's us going in now, son.

I'm just going to have a minute here.

So, do you want us to just leave you here?

If you wouldn't mind.

SHE SIGHS

He shouldn't be too much longer now.

Maybe we should reschedule?

No need. I am fully prepared.

You can just speak from the floor, sir.

Well, I'm up here now.

We must take the current as it serves

or lose our ventures.

Well, that's him here. This is him. He's here now.

That's him. Why do I even bother?! Absolute waste of time!

Break your legs.

Um, sorry, everyone.

Sorry, everyone.

Uh... OK.

We are here to... to ask you... Nay, demand.

Well, ask. Let's ask first.

...that you don't chuck us off the land.

I don't know what you've got planned for it.

A big Waitrose.

A big Waitrose? Seriously? Is that...? That is fan...

That's not on! That is not on, we're not going to stand for that.

You just take your Waitrose and your extensive dip selection,

and you take that elsewhere, OK?

I mean, look, all we're here to do is to ask you...

...really to agree to give us more time

before making any decisions, OK?

These allotments, they mean a lot to people, to me, to the town.

I mean, I'm from the town.

I'm from Forres.

You know, as much as I fight against it, I am from Forres.

Ich bin ein Forres-er!

SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

We're all Forres-ers, yeah? SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

Yeah. I mean, my mum was from Forres.

You know, your mum was from Forres.

Your mum was from Forres. Yeah!

And your mum was from... Forres!

Forres, yeah, I don't know why I paused then.

The point is, we ARE Forres,

and for you to build a Waitrose,

you're going to have to go through us first! ALL: Yeah!

Yeah!

CHEERING

And...

...I never went to Norway!

AUDIENCE MURMURS

Well, I did, but I got fired.

Sorry for not telling you.

Jen, I'm sorry.

TRANSLATED:

All right, Richie? All right, Digsy.

Do you want some radishes?

Uh, no, I'm all right.

I don't even know why I nicked them, to be honest.

See you in a bit, mate.

See you later.

Ey up.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I think I can cope with everyone else thinking I'm a failure...

...just not you.

I don't think you're a failure, Richard.

I mean, I think you're weird.

It's a fair comment.

That's what I've always liked about you.

So, Tim.

Yeah.

Well, I thought you weren't coming back.

Sorry I didn't say anything.

Oh, I'd better go.

Um...

See you around? Now that you're not hiding from me.

Look, I'm...

I'm really sorry.

Hello!

Eh...

A few of us are heading to the Beastie.

Just me, Horace, Paul...

And Beth?

HE EXHALES

Well, you'd better get going, then.

OK.

You wouldn't mind taking Percy back home with you, would you?

Oh, seriously?

OK.

Fine. Thanks, son.

I'll see you back at the house. See you back at the house.

Here we go.

Looks like it's just me and you, then, mate.

You've broken him again!

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