Original subtitles

Before we go, I know the world is a

Before we go, I know the world is a

Before we go, I know the world is a bleak place right now. So, we wanted to

bleak place right now. So, we wanted to

bleak place right now. So, we wanted to leave you with a happy story, and it

leave you with a happy story, and it

leave you with a happy story, and it involves Bolivia, a country you think

involves Bolivia, a country you think

involves Bolivia, a country you think about so little you don't even realize

about so little you don't even realize

about so little you don't even realize that's not Bolivia, that's Colombia,

that's not Bolivia, that's Colombia,

that's not Bolivia, that's Colombia, except it isn't, that's Venezuela.

except it isn't, that's Venezuela.

except it isn't, that's Venezuela. That is Colombia, except it isn't,

That is Colombia, except it isn't,

That is Colombia, except it isn't, that's Bolivia, which is the one we were

that's Bolivia, which is the one we were

that's Bolivia, which is the one we were looking for in the first place. Which

looking for in the first place. Which

looking for in the first place. Which one's Colombia? There is simply no way

one's Colombia? There is simply no way

one's Colombia? There is simply no way to know.

to know.

to know. The point is

The point is

The point is the Bolivian city of La Paz has had

the Bolivian city of La Paz has had

the Bolivian city of La Paz has had long-standing problems with their road,

long-standing problems with their road,

long-standing problems with their road, including traffic jams and a high rate

including traffic jams and a high rate

including traffic jams and a high rate of fatal accidents. And I know that

of fatal accidents. And I know that

of fatal accidents. And I know that you're thinking, "Wait, hold on.

you're thinking, "Wait, hold on.

you're thinking, "Wait, hold on. Your happy story involves fatal car

Your happy story involves fatal car

Your happy story involves fatal car accidents in Bolivia?" Well, wait, wait,

accidents in Bolivia?" Well, wait, wait,

accidents in Bolivia?" Well, wait, wait, wait.

wait.

wait. Trust me.

Trust me.

Trust me. Because this is the solution they came

Because this is the solution they came

Because this is the solution they came up with.

up with.

up with. Appropriating the image of the

Appropriating the image of the

Appropriating the image of the crosswalks called zebras, and dressed in

crosswalks called zebras, and dressed in

crosswalks called zebras, and dressed in a costume of the animal by the same

a costume of the animal by the same

a costume of the animal by the same name, these young people have been going

name, these young people have been going

name, these young people have been going into the street of the city of La Paz

into the street of the city of La Paz

into the street of the city of La Paz for the past 13 years with the goal of

for the past 13 years with the goal of

for the past 13 years with the goal of educating the citizens with love and

educating the citizens with love and

educating the citizens with love and changing the chaotic face of the

changing the chaotic face of the

changing the chaotic face of the vehicular traffic in this city.

vehicular traffic in this city.

vehicular traffic in this city. Admit it, you didn't see that coming.

Admit it, you didn't see that coming.

Admit it, you didn't see that coming. Not a single one of you were sitting

Not a single one of you were sitting

Not a single one of you were sitting there going, "TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, I'M

there going, "TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, I'M

there going, "TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, I'M CALLING IT. TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, YES."

CALLING IT. TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, YES."

CALLING IT. TRAFFIC ZEBRAS, YES." NOW,

NOW,

NOW, >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> these zebras don't have policing powers

>> these zebras don't have policing powers

>> these zebras don't have policing powers like the ability to issue tickets or

like the ability to issue tickets or

like the ability to issue tickets or make arrests. Instead, they just tease

make arrests. Instead, they just tease

make arrests. Instead, they just tease people. And if you look online, and I

people. And if you look online, and I

people. And if you look online, and I cannot recommend you do that enough,

cannot recommend you do that enough,

cannot recommend you do that enough, there is incredible footage of them in

there is incredible footage of them in

there is incredible footage of them in action. Uh you can see everything from a

action. Uh you can see everything from a

action. Uh you can see everything from a zebra holding his head while a man

zebra holding his head while a man

zebra holding his head while a man jaywalks, uh to one dancing and spinning

jaywalks, uh to one dancing and spinning

jaywalks, uh to one dancing and spinning around in front of a speeding van that

around in front of a speeding van that

around in front of a speeding van that stops just in the nick of time, to this

stops just in the nick of time, to this

stops just in the nick of time, to this zebra risking his life to stop a car, to

zebra risking his life to stop a car, to

zebra risking his life to stop a car, to the many, many clips of zebras dancing,

the many, many clips of zebras dancing,

the many, many clips of zebras dancing, every single one of which, especially

every single one of which, especially

every single one of which, especially the last one, is absolutely superb.

the last one, is absolutely superb.

the last one, is absolutely superb. Watch him throw that down. And at this

Watch him throw that down. And at this

Watch him throw that down. And at this point, you may be wondering, "How did

point, you may be wondering, "How did

point, you may be wondering, "How did this [laughter] happen?"

this [laughter] happen?"

this [laughter] happen?" Well, it was based on a similar program

Well, it was based on a similar program

Well, it was based on a similar program in Colombia, uh where they dispatched

in Colombia, uh where they dispatched

in Colombia, uh where they dispatched traffic mimes to monitor pedestrians.

traffic mimes to monitor pedestrians.

traffic mimes to monitor pedestrians. And as far as having mimes rove around

And as far as having mimes rove around

And as far as having mimes rove around your city, I think we can all agree,

your city, I think we can all agree,

your city, I think we can all agree, "No."

"No."

"No." Not only is it tremendously helpful as

Not only is it tremendously helpful as

Not only is it tremendously helpful as it is, but being mocked by a mime

it is, but being mocked by a mime

it is, but being mocked by a mime doesn't even work. All you have to say

doesn't even work. All you have to say

doesn't even work. All you have to say is, "I can talk and you can't." Argument

is, "I can talk and you can't." Argument

is, "I can talk and you can't." Argument won, you lock him in a glass box and you

won, you lock him in a glass box and you

won, you lock him in a glass box and you walk away.

walk away.

walk away. But Bolivia has really taken it up a

But Bolivia has really taken it up a

But Bolivia has really taken it up a notch with this whole zebra business.

notch with this whole zebra business.

notch with this whole zebra business. The program started with just 24 of

The program started with just 24 of

The program started with just 24 of them, and today, in La Paz alone, there

them, and today, in La Paz alone, there

them, and today, in La Paz alone, there are 265.

are 265.

are 265. That is a population boom so great it

That is a population boom so great it

That is a population boom so great it puts actual zebras to shame. And that is

puts actual zebras to shame. And that is

puts actual zebras to shame. And that is saying something because zebras

saying something because zebras

saying something because zebras notoriously have no shame. Put it away.

notoriously have no shame. Put it away.

notoriously have no shame. Put it away. PUT IT AWAY.

PUT IT AWAY.

PUT IT AWAY. THAT THING IS A LIABILITY. Tuck it away.

AND WHILE IT MAY LOOK

AND WHILE IT MAY LOOK

AND WHILE IT MAY LOOK like fun for people, this is a real job

like fun for people, this is a real job

like fun for people, this is a real job with strict rules.

with strict rules.

with strict rules. They explained some of the rules to be

They explained some of the rules to be

They explained some of the rules to be zebras, like honor the costume, don't

zebras, like honor the costume, don't

zebras, like honor the costume, don't eat when you work, never never take your

eat when you work, never never take your

eat when you work, never never take your head off. That is a good rule. Never

head off. That is a good rule. Never

head off. That is a good rule. Never take your head off. You cannot risk

take your head off. You cannot risk

take your head off. You cannot risk shattering an innocent child's belief

shattering an innocent child's belief

shattering an innocent child's belief that you are a real, free-roaming,

that you are a real, free-roaming,

that you are a real, free-roaming, bipedal, talking equid 6,000 miles from

bipedal, talking equid 6,000 miles from

bipedal, talking equid 6,000 miles from Africa.

Africa.

Africa. And by the way, that applies even in

And by the way, that applies even in

And by the way, that applies even in interview situations. There are many,

interview situations. There are many,

interview situations. There are many, many clips of reporters shoving

many clips of reporters shoving

many clips of reporters shoving microphones in zebras' faces, even one

microphones in zebras' faces, even one

microphones in zebras' faces, even one with a zebra giving an interview to

with a zebra giving an interview to

with a zebra giving an interview to another zebra. This is very significant

another zebra. This is very significant

another zebra. This is very significant for me. I really like what I'm doing,

for me. I really like what I'm doing,

for me. I really like what I'm doing, and it's not just about telling people

and it's not just about telling people

and it's not just about telling people what to do. COME ON.

what to do. COME ON.

what to do. COME ON. Every interview is improved by a zebra

Every interview is improved by a zebra

Every interview is improved by a zebra head. There's a lesson for everyone

head. There's a lesson for everyone

head. There's a lesson for everyone there. Stressful interview with 60

there. Stressful interview with 60

there. Stressful interview with 60 minutes? Put on a zebra head.

minutes? Put on a zebra head.

minutes? Put on a zebra head. Tough questions on the red carpet? YOU

Tough questions on the red carpet? YOU

Tough questions on the red carpet? YOU PUT ON A zebra head. SEAN SPICER, GET

PUT ON A zebra head. SEAN SPICER, GET

PUT ON A zebra head. SEAN SPICER, GET YOURSELF A ZEBRA HEAD, MAN. WHAT IS

YOURSELF A ZEBRA HEAD, MAN. WHAT IS

YOURSELF A ZEBRA HEAD, MAN. WHAT IS WRONG [cheering] WITH YOU?

WRONG [cheering] WITH YOU?

WRONG [cheering] WITH YOU? >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> AND HERE'S THE THING. It doesn't just

>> AND HERE'S THE THING. It doesn't just

>> AND HERE'S THE THING. It doesn't just help with Bolivia's traffic. Many of the

help with Bolivia's traffic. Many of the

help with Bolivia's traffic. Many of the people in those costumes really need the

people in those costumes really need the

people in those costumes really need the work. Many of the zebras are young

work. Many of the zebras are young

work. Many of the zebras are young people who are recovering drug addicts

people who are recovering drug addicts

people who are recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. It's a way for them to

and alcoholics. It's a way for them to

and alcoholics. It's a way for them to get their lives back on track and to

get their lives back on track and to

get their lives back on track and to give something back to society. Look,

give something back to society. Look,

give something back to society. Look, they're not only getting their lives on

they're not only getting their lives on

they're not only getting their lives on track, I'm pretty sure the existence of

track, I'm pretty sure the existence of

track, I'm pretty sure the existence of these zebras is the only thing keeping

these zebras is the only thing keeping

these zebras is the only thing keeping my life on track right now.

my life on track right now.

my life on track right now. And is it any wonder how beloved these

And is it any wonder how beloved these

And is it any wonder how beloved these zebritas are considering the attitude

zebritas are considering the attitude

zebritas are considering the attitude that they project?

Yes, the zebra was inside her the whole

Yes, the zebra was inside her the whole

Yes, the zebra was inside her the whole time, which admittedly sounds like a

time, which admittedly sounds like a

time, which admittedly sounds like a description for a very risque YouTube

description for a very risque YouTube

description for a very risque YouTube video, but that's not the point. The

video, but that's not the point. The

video, but that's not the point. The point is, I've got a few questions here.

point is, I've got a few questions here.

point is, I've got a few questions here. First, how the hell did no one tell me

First, how the hell did no one tell me

First, how the hell did no one tell me about this before?

about this before?

about this before? I feel like we've been pretty clear on

I feel like we've been pretty clear on

I feel like we've been pretty clear on this show about our interest in South

this show about our interest in South

this show about our interest in South American countries you have scant

American countries you have scant

American countries you have scant geographical knowledge of, and people in

geographical knowledge of, and people in

geographical knowledge of, and people in animal costumes. And frankly, I have

animal costumes. And frankly, I have

animal costumes. And frankly, I have needed this over the last few months.

needed this over the last few months.

needed this over the last few months. The news has been hard, which brings me

The news has been hard, which brings me

The news has been hard, which brings me to my second question. If zebras can

to my second question. If zebras can

to my second question. If zebras can make Bolivian traffic jams bearable,

make Bolivian traffic jams bearable,

make Bolivian traffic jams bearable, what else could they help with? So, here

what else could they help with? So, here

what else could they help with? So, here is what we've done.

is what we've done.

is what we've done. We made our own Bolivian zebra and have

We made our own Bolivian zebra and have

We made our own Bolivian zebra and have been seeing if they can help make

been seeing if they can help make

been seeing if they can help make painful moments easier to take. And I'll

painful moments easier to take. And I'll

painful moments easier to take. And I'll show you how it works. Remember Trump's

show you how it works. Remember Trump's

show you how it works. Remember Trump's inauguration? Tough to watch, right? But

inauguration? Tough to watch, right? But

inauguration? Tough to watch, right? But I'll say this, it's a lot easier to

I'll say this, it's a lot easier to

I'll say this, it's a lot easier to watch with a zebra involved. I, Donald

watch with a zebra involved. I, Donald

watch with a zebra involved. I, Donald J. Trump, do solemnly swear I, Donald J.

J. Trump, do solemnly swear I, Donald J.

J. Trump, do solemnly swear I, Donald J. Trump, do solemnly swear that I will

Trump, do solemnly swear that I will

Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully [applause] execute that I

faithfully [applause] execute that I

faithfully [applause] execute that I will faithfully execute the office of

will faithfully execute the office of

will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States. The

President of the United States. The

President of the United States. The office of President of the United

office of President of the United

office of President of the United States.

States.

States. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> It's better, right? AGAIN,

>> It's better, right? AGAIN,

>> It's better, right? AGAIN, IT DOESN'T change anything, but it is

IT DOESN'T change anything, but it is

IT DOESN'T change anything, but it is easier to watch.

easier to watch.

easier to watch. Now, this works for moments of

Now, this works for moments of

Now, this works for moments of frustration, too. Remember how it felt

frustration, too. Remember how it felt

frustration, too. Remember how it felt on Tuesday night when Rachel Maddow made

on Tuesday night when Rachel Maddow made

on Tuesday night when Rachel Maddow made you sit through 19 minutes of preamble

you sit through 19 minutes of preamble

you sit through 19 minutes of preamble to get to what amounted to very nearly

to get to what amounted to very nearly

to get to what amounted to very nearly nothing? Well, you know what could have

nothing? Well, you know what could have

nothing? Well, you know what could have helped then? A zebra to share your pain.

helped then? A zebra to share your pain.

helped then? A zebra to share your pain. Somebody

has decided to leak

has decided to leak

has decided to leak a portion of his 2005 tax return,

a portion of his 2005 tax return,

a portion of his 2005 tax return, which is how and why we got it tonight.

which is how and why we got it tonight.

which is how and why we got it tonight. And I am sure it is only the start,

And I am sure it is only the start,

And I am sure it is only the start, but it's a start. And our little piece

but it's a start. And our little piece

but it's a start. And our little piece of it,

of it,

of it, we just got it.

we just got it.

we just got it. We'll go through it next.

I promise it works for anything. Take

I promise it works for anything. Take

I promise it works for anything. Take Manchester by the Sea.

Manchester by the Sea.

Manchester by the Sea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty harrowing

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty harrowing

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty harrowing movie, right? That couple went through

movie, right? That couple went through

movie, right? That couple went through hell. Now, if only they weren't so

hell. Now, if only they weren't so

hell. Now, if only they weren't so alone.

Maybe you don't want to talk to me.

Maybe you don't want to talk to me.

Maybe you don't want to talk to me. Well, let me finish.

>> [cheering]

>> My heart was broken.

And it's always going to be broken.

But I know yours is broken, too.

Look.

Look.

Look. Look. [cheering]

Look. [cheering]

Look. [cheering] I think this is

I think this is

I think this is I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> WITH things in America the way they are

>> WITH things in America the way they are

>> WITH things in America the way they are now, we need these zebras like never

now, we need these zebras like never

now, we need these zebras like never before.

before.

before. And that is why we've uploaded footage

And that is why we've uploaded footage

And that is why we've uploaded footage of a green screen zebra going through a

of a green screen zebra going through a

of a green screen zebra going through a wide variety of emotions. You can use

wide variety of emotions. You can use

wide variety of emotions. You can use them however you want, just let us know

them however you want, just let us know

them however you want, just let us know whatever you did with the hashtag just

whatever you did with the hashtag just

whatever you did with the hashtag just add zebras.

A quick update regarding zebras. Now,

A quick update regarding zebras. Now,

A quick update regarding zebras. Now, you might remember on our last show we

you might remember on our last show we

you might remember on our last show we told you about Bolivian traffic zebras,

told you about Bolivian traffic zebras,

told you about Bolivian traffic zebras, young people in costumes who direct cars

young people in costumes who direct cars

young people in costumes who direct cars and promote road safety. And at the end

and promote road safety. And at the end

and promote road safety. And at the end of our piece, we made the case that

of our piece, we made the case that

of our piece, we made the case that adding zebras to things is always an

adding zebras to things is always an

adding zebras to things is always an improvement. Uh we even uploaded 23

improvement. Uh we even uploaded 23

improvement. Uh we even uploaded 23 minutes of zebra footage so you could

minutes of zebra footage so you could

minutes of zebra footage so you could add zebras to whatever you wanted. And

add zebras to whatever you wanted. And

add zebras to whatever you wanted. And let me just say, you people really came

let me just say, you people really came

let me just say, you people really came through for us.

through for us.

through for us. To give you just a flavor, you took

To give you just a flavor, you took

To give you just a flavor, you took Mariah Carey's New Year's Eve disaster

Mariah Carey's New Year's Eve disaster

Mariah Carey's New Year's Eve disaster and vastly improved it with zebras.

and vastly improved it with zebras.

and vastly improved it with zebras. You completely filled the White House

You completely filled the White House

You completely filled the White House press room with them.

press room with them.

press room with them. And you put zebras into movies like The

And you put zebras into movies like The

And you put zebras into movies like The Shining, Mad Max: Fury Road, and

Shining, Mad Max: Fury Road, and

Shining, Mad Max: Fury Road, and naturally, Basic Instinct.

It's nice.

It's nice.

It's nice. Thank you so much for wasting so much of

Thank you so much for wasting so much of

Thank you so much for wasting so much of your time with us.

your time with us.

your time with us. The The The point of this was to make

The The The point of this was to make

The The The point of this was to make painful moments easier to swallow.

painful moments easier to swallow.

painful moments easier to swallow. That's why we put a zebra into Trump's

That's why we put a zebra into Trump's

That's why we put a zebra into Trump's inauguration. Well, someone took that to

inauguration. Well, someone took that to

inauguration. Well, someone took that to the next logical step. Cuz remember uh

the next logical step. Cuz remember uh

the next logical step. Cuz remember uh Trump riding the escalator to announce

Trump riding the escalator to announce

Trump riding the escalator to announce his candidacy? It's a pretty horrible

his candidacy? It's a pretty horrible

his candidacy? It's a pretty horrible memory, right?

memory, right?

memory, right? Well, get ready to have it slightly

Well, get ready to have it slightly

Well, get ready to have it slightly improved.

improved.

improved. >> [music]

>> It's better now. That doesn't

>> It's better now. That doesn't

>> It's better now. That doesn't fundamentally change anything, but it is

fundamentally change anything, but it is

fundamentally change anything, but it is just better now. Now, interestingly,

just better now. Now, interestingly,

just better now. Now, interestingly, adding zebras turns out to make great

adding zebras turns out to make great

adding zebras turns out to make great moments even greater as well, like this

moments even greater as well, like this

moments even greater as well, like this one.

one.

one. Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American

Tonight, I can report to the American

Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world

people and to the world

people and to the world that the United States has conducted an

that the United States has conducted an

that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden,

operation that killed Osama bin Laden,

operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaeda.

the leader of al-Qaeda.

the leader of al-Qaeda. Yeah. [applause]

Yeah. [applause]

Yeah. [applause] And that is what I will always remember

And that is what I will always remember

And that is what I will always remember now.

now.

now. But perhaps the most exciting thing was

But perhaps the most exciting thing was

But perhaps the most exciting thing was the response to our piece in Bolivia

the response to our piece in Bolivia

the response to our piece in Bolivia itself.

itself.

itself. I saw it live. I was watching it on

I saw it live. I was watching it on

I saw it live. I was watching it on Sunday, Last Week Tonight, John Oliver's

Sunday, Last Week Tonight, John Oliver's

Sunday, Last Week Tonight, John Oliver's program, and suddenly he starts talking

program, and suddenly he starts talking

program, and suddenly he starts talking about the zebras. I thought he was only

about the zebras. I thought he was only

about the zebras. I thought he was only going to comment, and suddenly he keeps

going to comment, and suddenly he keeps

going to comment, and suddenly he keeps talking and talking. He keeps talking.

talking and talking. He keeps talking.

talking and talking. He keeps talking. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I thought he was only going to comment,

>> I thought he was only going to comment,

>> I thought he was only going to comment, and suddenly he keeps talking and

and suddenly he keeps talking and

and suddenly he keeps talking and talking. He keeps talking. That is an

talking. He keeps talking. That is an

talking. He keeps talking. That is an entirely fair description of the show.

entirely fair description of the show.

entirely fair description of the show. And actually gets one step better,

And actually gets one step better,

And actually gets one step better, because the cebra does themselves issued

because the cebra does themselves issued

because the cebra does themselves issued a public message. John Oliver John

a public message. John Oliver John

a public message. John Oliver John Oliver, we want to invite you to La Paz,

Oliver, we want to invite you to La Paz,

Oliver, we want to invite you to La Paz, Bolivia, to be a zebra for one day. The

Bolivia, to be a zebra for one day. The

Bolivia, to be a zebra for one day. The mayor of our wonder city, [cheering]

mayor of our wonder city, [cheering]

mayor of our wonder city, [cheering] Luis Revilla, agrees.

Luis Revilla, agrees.

Luis Revilla, agrees. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> The 265 zebras are waiting in La Paz.

>> The 265 zebras are waiting in La Paz.

>> The 265 zebras are waiting in La Paz. Now, I know that is a friendly

Now, I know that is a friendly

Now, I know that is a friendly invitation, but honestly, there is no

invitation, but honestly, there is no

invitation, but honestly, there is no world in which the phrase 265 zebras are

world in which the phrase 265 zebras are

world in which the phrase 265 zebras are waiting for you in La Paz does not sound

waiting for you in La Paz does not sound

waiting for you in La Paz does not sound like a genuine threat.

like a genuine threat.

like a genuine threat. But it's true, I have been invited to be

But it's true, I have been invited to be

But it's true, I have been invited to be a zebra, and sadly, I'm not going to be

a zebra, and sadly, I'm not going to be

a zebra, and sadly, I'm not going to be able to do that anytime soon, cuz I have

able to do that anytime soon, cuz I have

able to do that anytime soon, cuz I have to be here. So, this is really a very

to be here. So, this is really a very

to be here. So, this is really a very disappointing moment for both myself and

disappointing moment for both myself and

disappointing moment for both myself and the nation of Bolivia. But as I think we

the nation of Bolivia. But as I think we

the nation of Bolivia. But as I think we both now know, there is a real way to

both now know, there is a real way to

both now know, there is a real way to improve MOMENTS LIKE THIS.

IT'S BETTER NOW.

IT'S BETTER NOW.

IT'S BETTER NOW. THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THAT'S OUR SHOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR watching [music]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR watching [music]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR watching [music] us.

us.

us. Good night.

Good night.

Good night. >> [cheering]

[music]

[applause]