Original subtitles

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good - ? ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Is dinner ready yet?

It has to be.

I've been grating this Parmesan for an hour.

You've started grating your fingers, Stan.

Oh, yeah.

I don't care. I'll eat finger meat.

I'm just so hungry.

Shut your yap, Jeffrey. I'm hangry enough to stab you.

[ Sniffs ] Ugh! These expired three years ago.

Salad's ruined.

It's all riding on the lasagna, and lasagna's biggest question.

Has it cooked all the way through?

Just needs a little elbow grease.

[ Grunting ]

There's got to be a better way!

Why are weeknight dinners so hard?

We could have ate the top part!

I just want my life back.

You all aren't gonna believe this,

but there's a class at the learning annex

tonight called "Easy, 15 Minute Weeknight Meals,

Colon, Get Your Life Back."

My raggedy colon could use its life back.

No, I mean the colon. That's two dots.

Two dots?

Sup, dawgs?

What's up dawgs is we're taking our lives

back from the tyranny of weeknight dinners.

Sick. I won't be doing that. I have a friend coming over.

Can y'all drop me off at my curiosity shop?

Thanks for asking.

My Curiosity's shop from when Steve

and his friends were witches.

Steve, you and your friends ever talk about being witches again?

No.

Did he just roll his eyes at me?

Out of his witch phase and into his bitch phase.

I can't believe you're going to miss out on this class

just to hang out with some "friend."

Danuta: Hey, Klaus. Danuta.

Danuta?

Klaus, no.

That's why I said "friend" and not her name.

Her name, Danuta, of course. That is the name.

She owns it.

What mischief are we getting into tonight?

We're gonna do hot girl stuff and burn letters from our exes.

It's a full moon, so the perfect time to cleanse our souls.

I'd love to watch you cleanse your soul, Danuta.

Join us. No!

Too late, I accept.

Shouldn't we have stoves or ovens to cook on?

[ Organ playing ]

Kricket Limone: Friends, are you

tired of spending hours of your day cooking one meal?

Do you want your time back?

Do you want your life back?

Yes.

Well, put your hands together for the one

and only Cricket Lament!

[ Air horn blares ]

There's a reason I start this class at precisely 9:47 p.m.

Because that's the time

when we've all given up on whatever crock pot

Tchhef Boing-ardee slop they've brainwashed you to make!

Weeknight meal shouldn't take away your life.

Oh, but it does, cricket. It does.

I know my son.

[ Sniffs ]

Don't sniff my hand.

I'm gonna show you how to make delicious,

nutritious, easy meals in only 15 minutes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're going to get our lives back, Billy!

Picture it. You're at home.

It's 6:45 p.m.,

and by 7:00, you have an osso buco

with red bean cassoulet!

[ Cheers and applause ]

But how did you make it?

Easily. And in only 15 minutes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Klaus grunting ]

Hayley: He's gonna take forever to scoot over here.

Let's just start.

Double driving canes!

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Ah, ah. I can't stop! Catch me!

Aah!

What's crackin', babies?

I'll start.

This is from Bruce at the car wash.

He broke my heart and my side view mirror.

And now I'm letting it go.

This is from Nolan,

my boyfriend of one day in eighth grade.

He wrote,

"The only chemistry we

have together is fifth period."

My turn. These are letters from various catalog models.

No, runway models.

No, runway poker babes whose hearts I completely wrecked.

Uh, this is a cease and desist

letter from Rue McClanahan.

Didn't she play Blanche on "Golden Girl"?

"Golden Girls", you idiot.

And her character gave mixed signals.

Give that back.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Together: Can you leave us alone?

Danuta and I are vibing.

No, we're having a girls night, and you're ruining it.

Classic Klaus.

You don't like me, do you, Hayley?

I...love you. You're family.

But you don't like me.

You don't like me.

You're only hanging out with me because Danuta is here.

You're kind of a weasel.

You always have an ulterior motive.

That's not true.

I wouldn't have joined if you'd asked me not to.

I did ask you not to.

Yeah, but I want Danuta to be my girlfriend,

so I didn't consider how you felt.

You understand.

Y'all want to hear a scary story?

I don't have an active imagination.

Is there a video game version of it?

Come on.

It'll stop you both from fighting.

And I'll get to practice talking.

I want to be a talker to people someday.

Oh, you'd be great at that.

You do think so?

It was a night just like this.

When the shapeshifter demon who lives in the well

made his first kill.

[ Door slams ] [ Gasps ]

Two lovers, Tommy and Miranda, were parked at Makeout Point.

Hot. Hot.

After making out for an hour,

hard for like an hour.

Just an hour?

Probably in a rush to get to

Pound Town, USA.

Yeah, yeah!

Quiet, please.

They took a lovers stroll to the well nearby.

[ Twig snaps ]

Overcome with love, Tommy calls into the well.

"I Love you, Miranda!"

It echoes back.

I love you, Miranda, Miranda, Miranda.

But when Miranda tries to profess her love for Tommy

into the well, she can't.

As if a dark spirit was squeezing her throat.

[ Gasps ]

When Miranda turns around, Tommy is gone.

They search for him, but he was never found.

Until one night, Miranda wakes up to a tap, tap,

tap on her window.

When she looks outside, she sees Tommy.

He's back. He beckons her to the well,

where he asks her to try and profess her love for him again.

Miranda leans over the edge and cries, "I love you, Tommy!"

As the well echoes back, "Tommy, Tommy",

Miranda sees the real Tommy at the bottom, dead.

[ Gasping ]

[ Owl hoots ]

Terrified, she slowly turns to the thing

who brought her there.

Tommy is mine.

And now you're mine, too!

[ Screaming ]

[ Guitar screeches ]

? Welcome to Eufearia ?

? It's like euphoria, but with fear ?

? You ain't dead, but you're scared to death ?

? And it feels real good, like beer ?

Oh, God. Oh, God! Come on, wake up!

[ Guitar playing ]

? Don't get it twisted, this place ain't real ?

? It's a representation of how fear can feel ?

? Sometimes it feels scary, but sometimes it feels good ?

? Don't you get the gist? I knew you would ?

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

Holy crap!

That was better than any high I've ever had.

I was scared, but it felt amazing.

I know this is crazy,

but would you want to get scared with me again?

Okay, but only if my boy Jurgen can come.

No. Okay.

Danuta: They were dead when I found them!

Oh. You're alive.

Big time.

But we need your scary story again

and the way it made us feel.

[ Klaus gasping ]

One way ticket to Montenegro?

Oh, no extradition from there

because you thought you'd killed us.

[ Chuckles ] Smart girl.

Give it to us, D. Give us the story again.

I don't think I should. I thought you were dead before.

Plus, Nerfer is sleeping, and she gets prickly

if she wakes up to a whole scene.

Give us the story,

or I'll slap those pointy bangs off your gorgeous face.

No. They accentuate our eyes. Slap the...

Slap the...This is hard. Every part's perfect.

Slap racism!

Now tell the story before I lose my freaking cool!

Okay. It was a night just like this.

Here it comes!

I know you're mine, too!

Where is it?

Danuta told it wrong.

Why did you tell it wrong?!

Maybe you didn't faint because you already know

how the story goes.

She's right. We need to find new things to scare us.

Let's boogie, Klaus.

My assistant Steve will be by later for my driving canes.

[ Snaps ]

Woman in movie: Jonathan, is that you?

Man: Time to die!

[ Crowd gasps ]

That was it!

That wasn't scary at all!

Boo! Boo!

You're being disruptive.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

We're already leaving, nerd.

This stinks. [ Snaps ]

That snap thing you've been doing,

that's cool, Klaus.

Okay. This feels pretty spooky.

I brought a spirit box.

It allows ghosts to communicate with us.

I don't know how it works,

but it came with a free Hello Kitty key chain,

so I was like, "Uh, sold."

[ Static ]

Spirit box: Kill.

That's a good sign.

Kill...er deals this weekend only at Nana Pam's Flower Shop.

[ Both groan ]

It's just picking up the radio.

Ohhhh! It's not the radio. It's me.

The deals are my unfinished business.

Oooooh!

Rogu, you said you had something scary for us.

Haunted tub, cursed wrench.

Really? This is cursed?

Exorcise demon by fix Rogu tub.

Okay. I think Rogu is just

trying to get us to fix his bathtub.

Wow. We trusted you, Rogu.

Never trust a bad boy.

???

It's 6:45. You haven't started dinner yet?

We're starting now because dinner is at 7:00 PM,

and this recipe only takes 15 minutes.

I think that lady was a scammer.

We never saw her cook anything.

But we saw her do the splits.

What more do you need?

All right. The recipe says to start with the cassoulet.

First ingredient, red beans.

Boom. Soak beans overnight.

Overnight?

A little misstep on our part. Let's pivot to the osso buco.

Stevie, my boy, toss me the pearl onions and veal shanks.

Yeah. There's no way we have that stuff.

Should we use substitutes?

Let's call Kricket Limone. She'll know what to do.

Are you crazy?!

She's probably halfway to Montenegro by now.

They don't have any "extradabition."

You want to get loud, you go to a J.Lo concert.

You want to get scared,

you come to T. Lumpkin's Curiosities shop.

Bam! Gargoyle shoes, never worn.

That just makes me sad.

Carnivorous pitcher plant covered in blood.

How did it get covered in blood?

I used it to clean a paper cut.

That's not a scary story, Roger.

It was for me. It stung, Hayley.

[ Slurping ]

That's Paige. She's the new part-timer.

She's been drinking that iced coffee all day.

It's been done for hours.

Just keeps sucking the melting ice.

You done with that coffee yet?

[ Laughs ] And she laughs at everything.

What's funny?

Nothing. [ Laughs ]

Is it a nervous tic? Am I part of some sick joke?

I don't know, but I love her. Let's move on.

Ooh, now this is scary. A skull!

That's not scary.

That's just something to put vodka in.

Damn. I thought an empty skull

would be a... no-brainer!

Groucho glasses worn by Stalin.

[ Slurping ]

Paige, do you want a new coffee?

[ Laughs ] You're funny.

This chick's insane. I'm obsessed with her.

???

Roger, what's this?

A map to the demon shapeshifter well at Old Make Out Point.

[ Gasps ]

The shapeshifter story is real?

Yeah, it happened here in Langley Falls.

They say if you call into the well and it echoes back,

your soul's taken by the demon.

[ Both gasp ]

???

? Ow, baby, that's your ticket ?

? The well is what you need ?

? Ooo, suga', it's time to risk it ?

? If you wanna keep seeing me! ?

[ Both gasp ] We have to go to the well.

You broke the Groucho glasses. You have to buy them.

Paige, ring them up. Okay. [ Laughs ]

[ Slurping ]

She's an icon.

???

Hayley.

???

I can feel it. We're going to have eufearia again.

One of us calls into the well,

it echoes, and we get the greatest high of our lives.

I'm freaking out. I can't do it.

Yes, you can.

Before we discovered eufearia,

we were basically two strangers,

both trying to bang Danuta.

What? I'm not trying to -

But eufearia brought us together.

And I'm not going to let you give up.

We'll call into the well as a team.

Okay, let's do it.

One, two, three.

I love you, Tommy! I can't do it.

Klaus, you weasel. [ Echo ] I love you, Tommy!

[ Both scream ]

???

? Congratulations, you're back for more ?

? You found the key to your gettin' scared door ?

? Addicted to fear, ain't nothing wrong with that ?

? But the moment will end when I put on his hat ?

???

Coolest hat in the world.

Hayley? [ Ghoulish howl ]

The shapeshifter got her. Oh, no.

[ Guitar sting ]

Even cooler hat!

You said dinner would be ready in 15 minutes

like 115 minutes ago!

We had to drive an hour and a half out of town

to find fresh veal.

It was very fresh.

Yeah, it was really a bummer.

Francine, will you do me the honor

of having the first taste? I'm too close to it.

The beans are still hard.

Impossible! Maybe you're too tired to taste

Steve? [ Yawns ]

[ Crunch ]

It said to soak them. It said it.

That crunch doesn't mean anything.

Steve's always had weak teeth.

I have delicate enamel.

Yes. Rest my little sous chefs.

I'll wake you up when it's ready.

Jeff: I'd like to place an order for delivery.

My babe's dad is trying to make a quick, easy meal and -

Pizzas famously take 30 minutes,

and dinner will be ready in 15.

I can't do it! I'm sorry!

Stop! You'll ruin your appetite.

I need food.

Hayley is a demon,

and she wanted to yell in the well alone.

Okay. Bye. Okay. Bye.

Klaus, you're just in time for dinner.

Taste.

The beans are hard.

Also, Hayley isn't Hayley.

She's a shapeshifter out in the woods.

So, if you see her, don't open the door, okay?

I'm going to sleep in your bed because it feels safer.

Hayley. Yes. Hayley should taste this.

Everything gets better with a good night's sleep.

[ Tapping on window ]

Klaus, come to the well.

Aah!

? Hearing a scary story is cool and all ?

? But living it is way more fun ?

? You feel big and bad and eight feet tall ?

? Look, a sexy skeleton ?

???

That was scary and erotic.

Aah!

I'm in the shapeshifter's hand.

[ Guitar sting ]

Bikini season.

Real Hayley's missing out.

Demon Hayley! Aah!

[ Guitar sting ]

We're back at the well.

Oh, shapeshifter.

I'm not even scared of you anymore.

The thrill of eufearia is gone.

It's just not the same without Hayley.

The high has been replaced with a shame-filled low.

That never happens with other drugs.

???

Call into the well.

Oh, yes. Time for you to take my soul, I suppose.

Hayley was right. I am a weasel.

Not only did I back out of calling into the well

at the last minute after promising her

I'd be by her side, I literally left her side and ran home,

bravely sleeping in my own bed.

Say the words into the well.

Or are you too chicken?

Bawk bawk.

I'm not chicken.

If I'm going to do this, there's one thing I want to say

that I should have said to the real Hayley

when she was here.

I do like you, Hayley, as a friend.

[ Echo ] I do like you, Hayley, as a friend.

Hayley's mine! And now you're mine, too! [ Screams ]

[ Echo ] Hayley's mine! And now you're mine, too!

? Terrified, you're flying high ?

? Like making love to a pretty lady ?

? And she doesn't get pregnant with a baby ?

? Uh ?

? Uh-huh ?

? You've made it to the peak of eufearia ?

? You never thought you could feel this free ?

? Yeah! ?

? Aah! ?

Oh, yeah!

? Now slurp up that fear like a rat that's thirsty ?

? Slurp it up like Paige with iced coffee ?

[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ] Whoo! Yes!

Wait, am I dead? Am I a shapeshifter?

[ Hayley laughs ] Hayley?

You really thought I was a shapeshifter?

You're not? No.

Why did you act like you were?

Well, at first I was doing it because I was pissed.

I love you, Tommy! I can't do it.

Klaus, you weasel.

Hayley: We were supposed to yell into the well together,

but you let me do it alone.

[ Both scream ]

I passed out, had sick eufearia,

but then I fell in. [ Thud ]

When I woke up, I called for you.

Klaus! Help!

But you weren't there for me...again.

And as you know, I have the upper body strength

of a gorilla when I'm pissed, so I climbed out to find you.

I was gonna toss you in the well out of spite.

But then you said all those nice sentimental things

on the way over.

So I decided to give you the best eufearia ever

by acting out the ending of the story.

The Grim Reaper had a quad guitar.

That's four, Hayley.

He grew extra hands to play it.

You can just tell he is the boss

of that whole hellscape.

I wish you could have seen it.

Honestly, I think I'm done with eufearia.

We had fun, but we got a little too into it.

Hayley! Something's behind you!

Yeah, that's not gonna work on me.

Taste the beans.

[ Screams ]

???

? I'm the king of this hellscape ?

? I make skeletons moan ?

? In one final twist ?

? My queen is Kricket Limone ?

???

Please taste this.

Leave me alone, my guy.

Come on. Just taste it.

[ Gulps ]

Mm! That's really good, actually.

The beans are nice and soft.

Thank you, Mr. Reaper.

Not! I don't give out compliments.

I'm the Grim Reaper, not the Praise Heaper.

That's so good.

? I'm the Grim Reaper, not the Praise Heaper ?

Yeah, that works immediately.

Why is cooking so hard?

Have a great night!

???

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