Original subtitles

Alright, what's next? Ah! History paper.

I'm going to help you with that later.

Spanish project. Did you get an extension?

-Sorry, what? -Oh, boy.

Spooner, you're gonna have to help him with his Spanish project.

Also, you have a stats final on Monday.

-JD. -Pig Tits.

-Fuck you, bro. -JD is going to help you

with your stats final.

Alright. I gotta get going. Just keep working.

-Thank you, Rooster. -See ya, Grg.

-See ya. -I believe in you!

-Guys wanna take a weed break? -Way ahead of you.

Hey, boys.

-Thanks for helping Tommy. -Hey.

Now, sit your asses down and get back to work,

or I'm gonna fucking kill you.

-Mom! -Tommy was a 14-pound baby.

He ripped me open from my vagina to my rectum.

And I didn't go through all that to have him flunk out.

-Yes, ma'am. -Yes, yeah.

Great. Love you, Peanut.

Love you.

What the fuck was that?

Did you actually rip her vagina?

Shut up.

Okay, guys, I know that we had a slideshow today,

but it's really hard to teach when you're making out like that.

I'm not responsible for what happens when the lights go out.

I think you are, George.

-Sure. Later, love. -Hey!

Hey!

Are you ready to feel better?

-Fuckin'-A right, I am. -Alright.

This is day one of me getting my life back.

The bikes are pretty far away.

I think you might have put that on a little too early.

I don't care.

You should put yours on, too, so I don't feel stupid.

-Let's roll. -Let's do it.

-Hey, how you doing? -Hey, what's up?

Woo-hoo!

Whoa!

Okay, I have to tell you something.

It's been a really hard decision,

but I am declining the job offer from Biotecha.

I'm gonna stay here with Archie, instead.

Oh. I gotta process that.

Did she tell you?

Is that not the dumbest thing you ever heard your whole life?

I am processing.

Alright.

Process away, Walter. Oh!

Gotta say, I am loving our new vests.

I mean, rubber sportswear has always really suited me.

I'm ready.

Here we go, yes!

I support you. You should do whatever is right for you.

-Thank you. -No. The fuck?

Relax, I'm not done.

You just gotta make sure

Archie's making the same commitment to you that you're making to him. Got it?

-Okay. -Or I'll kill him.

As would I.

Fucking Russia, and Stalin.

Fucking fuckity fuck.

Hey, Archie.

-Is this a good time? -Mm-hmm.

Always a good time! Yeah, I actually--

I could do with a break. I gotta move, anyway.

Gotta get the blood flowing, yeah?

Gotta have a shimmy shake. A shimmy-shimmy shake. You wanna join?

No, I'm good.

You canceled classes the last two days.

Sorry, no. Yeah, I did. I had to cancel 'cause of a book deadline.

And I've just sort of been at it

for 36 hours straight, so, muddling through.

You ever had one of these Celsius beverages?

One of my students got me onto it,

and it does remind me a bit of cocaine, actually.

The feeling you get from cocaine,

but not the dark sorta scary part of cocaine.

More the bit when, you know, you-- It's fun,

and you meet people, but...

But no, I can't really believe they let kids drink that.

It's not good for you. Can't be.

-I don't think it is. -God, my heart is--

It's beating so fast, it's...

-Can you hear that? -Mm-mm.

I'm gonna go. Don't cancel any more classes.

It's like a fucking nightclub in here, do you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

Good luck with the book.

How you doing?

Ah, fuck off.

There he is.

So, what's up?

I told the guys on the team that I was coming to see you,

and they all really miss you.

-Bullshit. -They do.

Remember when you peed on the ice?

-I wish I could. -You can still see it.

Every time they skate over it, I see 'em smile a little bit.

That is precious.

Thank you for sharing that.

So, how's rehab going?

Yeah, pretty good.

Cristle was a big help.

She found me an amazing place.

-That's great. -Yeah.

Spend most of my time now in group therapy or playing online blackjack.

Since I got sober, the world of gambling has really opened up to me.

-Silver lining. -Well, sounds like fun.

Yeah, good people.

Look, Greg's leaving us in a few days.

-That's right. -And we wanted to see

if you would be able to resume coaching after Christmas break.

Ah, my program's eight weeks, you know, so I should probably see that through.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

But on the other hand, I'm not a pussy.

And I got this demon inside of me that's screaming,

"Fuck, yeah. Rock and roll!"

Maybe let's not listen to the demon.

I don't think you should listen to the demon.

I'll just talk to Walt, and we'll see

if we can get someone to cover for you until you're ready.

Yeah, thank you.

-I'm gonna go. -Okay, see ya.

-Yeah. Thanks. -Alright.

I bet you 50 bucks when she gets to the top of the stairs,

she changes her mind and comes back down here.

You know what? I don't think that you should

replace alcohol with gambling.

Oh, my God, what are you, my mom?

-No. -Are you my mom?

Are you gonna cinch your titties in your belt?

I'm gonna go.

-Come on. -Alright.

Oh, my God.

What's up, little bro?

I'm researching a paper on World War II.

You know who sucks? Germany.

You should write that down.

Just got a text from your mom. She said you guys

are having dinner tomorrow night?

Well, she's in Boston. I thought it might be nice

if she came and told me that men don't matter

-and I'm being weak. -Sounds fun.

What have we got?

Battle of Midway refers to where the battle took place.

It is not the halfway point of the war.

-That's confusing. -No, it's not.

I saw Archie today.

-Ah. -Just living his life.

But it still knocks the wind out of me.

-I'm so bored of myself. -Don't beat yourself up.

I think you're gonna get over this faster than I did.

Yeah, but getting my life back needs to be more

than just bike rides, right?

Oh, I have some Adderall, if you want.

-No. -Maybe!

Or, there's Dylan's tenure track program.

This is my campus, too. I belong here.

-You're a great teacher. -I am.

-Yeah. -And you know why?

-Don't. -I'm gonna say it.

-Please don't. -Yep. You're a rock star.

-There it is. -She hates it when I say that

and I say it all the time.

You know what? Screw it. I am a rock star.

-You are a rock star. -You know what else?

I'm wicked smart.

You're wicked smart.

You see? I can be fun when I want to.

I just don't often want to.

Plus, I'm like, girl-next-door hot, right?

Well, don't look at me. Ask him.

You are the most beautiful girl in the world.

You see what I'm working with over here? You answer me.

Fine, I...

Well, I might have seen a list that you were on

of Ludlow's hottest teachers.

-What number was I? -Four.

-Wow! -Hell yeah, top five.

-Alright! Yeah, yeah! -Hell yeah, top five.

Boom, four! Nice!

Wow.

Good morning! Good morning.

I'm sure you all suffered through a long night

with the last-second assignment I bestowed upon you, but...

Part of being in my level 400 seminar

is total and utter commitment

to the majesty of world history.

With that being in mind, what did you think of my book?

I only got through the first 600 pages.

That's okay, Ruben. Let's just hope that I don't

show the same lack of stamina

when it comes to grading your final thesis.

Let's hope I get to the end of that.

Come on, guys, I want some feedback.

Don't pull your punches.

What do you got? What do you got?

Well, I know it's nonfiction, but the writing feels almost poetic.

Reminds me of Pushkin.

Do you know, that's exactly what I was going for, Pushkin.

-Thank you, Eli. Very good. -That being said,

it could benefit from some judicious trims.

Mm, well, yeah, you know...

I'd argue that, that the length is warranted

-for a book of this caliber. -Maybe just not this much length.

Oh, look who it is again!

Someone likes the sound of their own voice.

You know what, don't-- Just give 'em back to me.

I've already handed it in to my editor anyway, so...

If you already handed it in, why did you make us read it?

Because I mistook you, clearly, for fellow intellects.

But, don't worry about it. The world will always need

extra security guards and DJs.

Now, get out. Go on.

But class just started.

Go on, fuckity-bye!

What do I expect from a bunch of kids

with prefrontal cortexes that aren't even developed yet?

Prefrontal cortex only impacts impulse control

and decision-making, not critical thinking.

I knew that.

Look, I know that compliments are like fuel for you,

but truly brilliant people

do not need to be told that they are brilliant.

Well, then how do they know?

Insecurity's not a great look for me.

I'm just gonna brush it off, I'm just gonna...

-I'll get this side. -Got a little bit there?

There he is.

Things are great, anyway. And somebody told me

that this place is available next semester.

Behold. Our new home.

"Our"?

We're having a baby, Bug.

Pretty sure that Robin's gonna wanna live with his mother.

I still hate "Robin."

Who's living there now?

Just someone who's bathing the whole place in good vibes.

You know, Greg, I was just with the head of the trustees,

and that rascal loves his e-bike.

Unfortunately, he shattered every bone in his right hand.

I can't hear you. You have to wait

until I am in the room before you start talking.

Fair enough.

How did he break his hand? Did he fall?

So, you can hear me?

You got me. You have a very loud voice, and we never need to be in the same room.

Unfortunately, when I was talking to Graham

about finding yet another interim hockey coach...

he said that the whole hockey program

was "trimmable fat."

No, he can't-- Come on.

The boys have been working so hard, this would kill 'em.

Oh, you know what? We're getting better.

You should have Graham come to the game tomorrow night.

We're playing Pruitt. I think we can give 'em

-a run for their money. -Let's hope so.

I tried to impress upon him that every decision

doesn't have to be based on budgetary concerns,

and he laughed so hard he cracked a tooth.

Sounds like a very fragile man.

-He's 80, Greg. -Not sure that means teeth

should fall out when you laugh.

Sorry, Dylan, but you told anyone that would listen

about your idea to fast-track young professors for tenure,

-so that was your mistake. -I like this energy.

-I'm proactive now. -Fun.

-But I got class. -Not for two minutes.

Yeah, but last night I fell into a tequila

and soldiers surprising their children on Instagram rabbit hole,

so I gotta figure out what I'm teaching today.

I'll be so quick. Please?

-Fine, hit me. -Okay, phew.

We currently only have one art history professor

with tenure here at Ludlow,

and the only class he teaches is called Nudes.

No one's even sure it's an art class.

Yeah, I gotta look into that.

I've already had two articles published in the October Journal.

I have had communication with a curator at ICA Boston

who can bring more contemporary pieces to Cabot Museum, and I'm a great teacher.

So, what do you think?

I think you're a perfect candidate for tenure.

Five years? How is that fast-tracking?

Because it usually takes longer. Why would you rain on her parade?

Ignore him. I am so proud of you.

-Thanks, Mom. -You're welcome.

You've always been so good at saying

things like that to me.

I'm so sorry your father isn't.

Okay, it's funny.

He loves you,

-he just doesn't know how to show it. -Okay.

-I hate it, I hate when you do this thing. -You understand that, right?

I'm gonna go to hockey practice, and you guys

-have fun being jerks. -"Have fun being jerks."

-Grumpy. -I love you,

and I always will, even though you are mean people.

So how's he been doing?

Actually, really good.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

He took that picture of you down, thank God.

-What? -Yeah.

-Wow. -I know.

Wow, okay!

-Mom, don't. -Don't what?

Come on. He's finally getting over you.

Oh, honey.

No, no. Mm-mm.

He's not getting over me, because nobody ever does.

I'm not laughing.

Oh, can't a woman just want her ex-husband

to sadly worship her for the rest of his life?

-Jesus, Mom. -That's wrong, right?

-I'm going to work. -Okay.

That's not okay, not healthy?

-Mom. -Working on it, mm-hmm.

Bad girl.

Alright, find your center. Who you got? Who you got?

Take a shot, DJ.

Take it!

Oh, yes! Oh-ho-ho!

Do you believe in miracles?!

Nice. Alright. Bring it in.

Good job.

I don't want any of you to worry about Brad.

I know there was a lot of blood,

but it turns out he didn't take a hit.

It's just something that happens when he gets anxious.

-Brad, you good? -Yeah.

So, tomorrow we have Pruitt, and they are good,

but I feel confident. How do you guys feel?

Scared.

There's no reason to be scared.

I got my front teeth knocked out last time.

-These are veneers. -Well, the good news, Lucas,

is that they look amazing.

Alright, Pruitt is a great team.

They are faster than we are. They are definitely bigger than we are.

They have that number 49.

Big, thick mustache on that guy.

Probably only plays hockey at night

to release all that violent fury that he builds up

during the day working on the docks.

And, now is a really bad time for me to have lost my train of thought.

I know I don't say this a lot, but I love you guys--

Who cares?! Don't baby 'em! You're their coach, not their nanny!

Donnie, this is a closed practice.

Not for me. I've got a badge.

At the movie theater. I have a badge at the movie theater.

I went last night for the 15-year anniversary

of We Bought a Zoo.

-I never saw that. -Oh, my God, it changed my life!

Did you know you can just buy a zoo?

-Okay. -It's based on a true story.

-You know Matt Damon? -Oh, I love him.

He explodes off the screen.

Plus, you won't believe the animals they got in it.

-Yeah, I'll check it out. -You will thank me.

But as far as these guys go, they don't have a chance in hell

if they don't stop acting like a bunch of little girls!

-Thank you, Donnie. -Yeah.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Officer Donnie.

You are not going to win this game

unless you stop acting like a bunch of little girls.

Okay, for starters, I wasn't the first one to call them "little girls."

That was a local police officer

who I was having a conversation with about an obscure Matt Damon movie.

Loved it. They buy a zoo.

Okay, it's never okay to equate the female gender with weakness.

I completely agree. What I'm trying to say is,

if you take little girls, like four or five years old,

and put them on the ice with a men's college hockey team,

they're going to get killed.

And I don't mean they're going to lose. I mean, they are actually going to die.

Ooh! That's my editor, Brenda. I'm gonna have to take this.

-Whatcha, Brenda? -Oh, tell Brenda

that we all think that you're the worst.

I didn't expect to hear from you so soon.

Not like my book's 180 pages of a guy called Rooster

shooting people in the face and fornicating.

There's other stuff that happens.

So, come on, pins and needles. What do you think?

That's...

That's...

that's amazing.

Brilliant.

I could have just as easily said, "Don't play like little boys."

I'm gonna miss this, Greg.

I'm gonna miss it, too.

What do you mean, you're not gonna publish it?

You can't make that decision after only reading a few chapters.

Mm-hmm.

Well, somebody here loved it so much

that they actually read 600 pages last night, so...

Yeah.

Sure.

I'm just so tickled by the news. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Oh, this is Brenda. Yeah.

Bye!

And?

-She loved it. -Oh!

-Of course she did. -Yes!

-Yeah, come on! -Come on!

-Okay! -Give me a hug. Oh!

Yes.

Wow. You're the author of a book.

Of course, I couldn't have anticipated it.

Your mom dropped by to see me this morning.

Will you please tell her that it was lovely to see her?

Yeah, I sure will.

Would you like me to make that sound more sincere?

I'd appreciate it.

Now, I read over Dylan's recommendations.

Instead of waiting five years,

how would you feel about starting tenure...

in one?

Are you serious?

I'm always serious.

Thank you, sir. You won't regret it.

I believe in you.

Hey, Cristle.

When my mom was here,

did my tenure come up at all?

Well, if I said yes, would that make you happy or sad?

Happy.

God, Graham, if you're gonna ride that thing,

you're gonna have to promise to be safer.

I'm sorry, If I'm on a bike like that, I'm gonna do jumps.

Let's talk about me for a second.

I am looking to start my next chapter.

-And my name is on this building. -Mom?

Yes, hi!

When you're done, may I have a word with you?

Sure.

That sound as ominous to you as it did to me?

Alright, boys, have a seat.

Listen up.

Before we go out and beat Pruitt...

Yep, I said it, "beat Pruitt." Thought it might be nice

for you to hear some words from an old friend.

Boys!

Boom, hey! Alright!

Alright, there we go!

Oh, man.

They've all grown up so much.

Greg told me you guys are a little down on yourselves.

And I guess I just wanted to say,

if I can take my shit heap of a life and turn it around,

I damn sure know that you can go out there

-and kick Pruitt's ass! -That's right!

Yeah!

You can kick A.

So, I want you to go out there today--

Oh, hold on, hold on, Greg. Actually, this is a good chance

-to make some amends. -Mm...

-You don't need to-- -Yeah, Lucas? Lucas.

Yeah. Remember when you told me

that your ADD medication had stopped working for a couple months?

-Yeah. -Well, it did.

I was grinding 'em up and snorting 'em every morning to get out of bed.

What were the pills I was taking?

Those were just tablets I use to clean my fish tank.

-And they died, so... -Okay, good.

-Thank you, Coach. -Yeah.

-Appreciate it. -No, I've got more.

-No, no, no. -Sam!

-Remember when your bike got stolen? -Yeah.

I told you that DJ had been eyeing it for a couple weeks,

and that he talked about what an awesome feeling

it would be to steal from a dear friend?

That was me. I took it.

And I traded it for a single six-pack of JuneShine,

-whatever the fuck that is. -Okay.

Guys, you know, it'll be a really healthy experience

-for you to rekindle that friendship. -What he said, okay?

And honestly, if anybody's missing anything,

I took so much stuff I can't really remember.

Like this necklace.

This was way too nice to sell.

Look at that. That's real gold.

-That's really nice. -Okay, who do we got?

Neal! Really?

-It's a cross. -Alright.

I had you pegged as a Jew.

Alright. Brad.

Hey, you're the only guy I came through for.

Remember that grad student you were dating?

She dropped you like a sack of hot potatoes?

Well, that's 'cause I was banging her, you know?

-Oh. -And she was trouble.

So, you're welcome. Alright, guys.

Go get 'em. Play hard!

-Whoo! -Thanks, Coach.

You got it!

Alright, let's go out and have some fun.

Okay. Good energy.

Attaway, Bobby!

Holy mackerel!

Let's go! Come on!

Alright, alright, alright.

-Good physical play. -Come on! Yeah!

He's just a boy.

Stop. It's over.

Fuck, yeah! Make him bleed!

Oh!

Is his arm broken?!

Is his arm broken?

-Yeah! -Get fucked!

Go, DJ!

Yeah!

Yes!

Alright, boys!

Ludlow!

This is the greatest fucking game ever.

That was my son! My son scored.

Hey, raise your hand if your son scored.

Why would you stick your nose into this tenure stuff?

You know how long I've been trying to get out of your shadow.

Honey, if you want me to apologize for being your mom, I am not gonna do it.

I have given you a lot of cool stuff.

Big brain, great hair, perfect amount of freckles.

Too many. Sometimes I cover them up.

Why do you cover them up?

Look, I know that being your daughter

got me my interview here, but I got this job on my own.

I didn't get the job myself, did I?

Deep down, you had to know.

I really didn't!

You were an inexperienced 29-year-old, and you were offered a full professorship.

How did you think that happened?

'Cause I nailed the interview. And I wore a really cute outfit.

Oh, God, I'm dumb.

-You're not dumb. -I am, I'm dumb.

I'm the dumbest person in the world.

Nope. Naive, maybe.

And that will fade with age.

-Jesus Christ. -Holy shit.

You stole the cock! Cool!

Not cool. I didn't even do that on my own.

-Oh. -I think I really believed

that I did all this stuff myself because when it came to my life,

Mom, honestly, you weren't overinvolved,

or even, like, involved. No judgment.

A little bit of judgment.

A little bit of judgment, yeah.

You know what? In my defense, it really wasn't even my i...

Never mind.

Whose idea was it?

Rooster! Rooster! Rooster!

-Alright, alright. Okay. -Rooster! Rooster! Rooster!

-Rooster! Rooster! Rooster! -Okay, bring it down. Bring it down.

I'm proud of you guys. You did a great job.

No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Guys, guys, it was just one game.

Keep that in mind, alright?

But this is the best day of my life!

Alright. Oh! God, you scared me.

We won. Honey, we won!

We won.

How could you do this?

I don't know, I guess it was kind of a fluke.

I'm sure we will never win again.

-What's going on? -Why did you take a job here?

Because I like challenging myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

-You hate both those things. -Not as much as I used to.

So, you didn't take a job here as a trade-off so I wouldn't get fired?

I was on my way out, Dad.

Away from Archie and this fishbowl.

And maybe if I'd gone somewhere else,

it would've been a really good thing for me to find my own way.

But you didn't let me do that, did you?

I didn't want you to make a mistake.

I get to make mistakes!

I need to make mistakes.

You don't trust me to do anything on my own.

-That's not true, hon-- -Tenure.

Me getting hired here in the first place, that was all you.

Honey, I was just trying to help.

-I love you so much. -Okay.

-I would do anything for you. -Yeah.

-You know that. -Okay. I know.

So, let's just get it all out in the open.

Is there anything else that you have done that you think would make me go insane?

Let's just clear it all up. Anything?

No. No.

I have been playing online backgammon with Fred Salewski.

Who is Fred Salewski?

Sunny's dad.

Our paths crossed. I think you'd actually like him.

I don't think I'd like Sunny's dad.

When you're playing backgammon with Fred Salewski,

-are you chatting? -No, there is no chat feature.

Sometimes we FaceTime while we're playing.

What the fuck? What is wrong with you?

I know you're mad.

I'm not mad.

I'm really sad.

I actually really thought you believed in me.

I do believe in you.

Yeah. It shows.

More coffee?

No. Thank you.

Can I please have another slice of pie?

And if I detect any judgment, there's not gonna be a tip.

Third piece, coming up.

She wants whipped cream, too.

Hello.

-Getting drunk alone? -Nope.

Just drowning my sorrows in this American excuse for tea.

I did ask for loose leaf, but apparently,

that's beyond the realms of possibility here.

Loose leaf tea in a diner? Be more pretentious.

Care to join?

Why not?

Ah, massive pie consumption's always a bit of a tell with you.

What's going on?

Do you think I can make it through the world

on my own without it being a total disaster?

Barely understood that.

Katie, you're literally the smartest person

in any room that you walk into.

I don't know what you want me to say.

You can do anything.

They're canceling my book.

-Fuck Brenda, she's a troll. -I'm lucky really, I suppose.

Finding out at a young age that I'm not nearly as impressive

as I believe myself to be.

I know you want me to compliment you.

I really do, yeah.

You know, somebody told me that brilliant people

shouldn't have to be told that they're brilliant.

That's stupid. What's the point of being brilliant

if no one's gonna say anything?

Mm-hmm. You're gonna get your book back, Arch.

You're the most persuasive person I know.

-Don't know about that. -Come on.

You were even convinced that you could persuade me

to take you back.

You had that whole big speech memorized.

Lucky I didn't have to sit through that.

Oh, no, no, no, you really missed out on that one.

It was an absolute belter.

I mean, I found it incredibly scintillating.

-I'm sure you did. -Go to town.

Thank you.

What was it? Just curious.

Oh.

I don't know. Just something along the lines of

me marrying you was one of the only things in my life

that didn't feel like it was a total and utter mistake.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

it still had some classic flourishes in there.

Joke here, cheeky turn of phrase there.

-Mm-mm. -Okay.

No, I guess the general gist was really that

if I was one day lucky enough to have the chance

to, I don't know, try and get you back,

-then I would spend-- -I'm in.

T...

That wasn't-- Katie, you-- No, what you--

You asked me what the speech was.

I wasn't giving you the speech.

Yeah, but you also told me once

that I had as long as I wanted to make a decision.

So, I'm making it.

And if it's a huge fucking mistake, at least it's mine.

So, yeah, I'm in. Do with that what you will.

And pay for my pie.

I also had two cheeseburgers.

What?

Bye-bye.