All language subtitles for red.dwarf.s02e03.1080p.bluray.x264-latency

(RED DWARF THEME)

Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Its crew, Dave Lister,
the last human being alive,

Arnold Rimmer,
a hologram of his dead bunkmate,

and a creature
who evolved from the ship's cat.

Message ends.

Additional. Supplies are plentiful.

We have enough food and drink
to last 30, 000 years,

although we have run out
of Shake n' Vac.

Additional additional.

Last week we found a planet
with a breathable atmosphere.

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

We 're grooving tonight.
Ahead, groove factor five. Yeah.

Hang on, everybody. Hang on.

(MUSIC STOPS)

The sausages are done.

It's the business, innit?

It's nice to get out
once in a while, stretch your cables.

(SLURRING) I can't understand it.
I've had so much to drink

and it hasn't even afflicted me.
I'm not in the least...

- Oh, yeah? Why are you dancing, then?
- Ha. You call that dancing?

I've seen people on fire
move better than that.

We 'a' better be going.
The moons will be setting in a bit.

Well, okay, then, a toast.

Gentlemen and skutters,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the anniversary
of Mr Arnold Rimmer's death.

(BURPS) Right on, baby.

And for this very special occasion,
I have baked a cake.

- What's that, then?
- It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly.

- 'Cause he was a technician.
- Well, that's very apt, that is.

If he 'a' been a postman,

you would have baked it
in the shape of an envelope.

Yeah.

Gordon Bennett.
He's lucky he 's not a gynaecologist.

To me.

# Happy deathday to you
Happy deathday to me

# Happy deathday to you
Happy deathday to me

# Happy deathday, dear Rimmer
Happy deathday, dear me

# Happy deathday to you
Happy deathday to me #

(DAVID GARGLING)

(BUTTONS MASHING)

# Show me the way to go home

# I 'm tired and I want to go to bed

RIMMER: Are you sure
you're all right to drive?

DAVID: Yes.

# I had a little drink about an hour ago

# To celebrate Rimmer's death #

What time is it?

Saturday.

Is that the best you can do?

There are some numbers next to it,
but they could be anything.

Do you know what I fancy right now?

A big, fat woman with thighs
the size of a hippo's.

No.

I want a triple fried
egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney.

Me, too.

Well, no problem, then.
Nothing's too good for the deathday boy.

- Correct.
- Hol?

Hol.

Hol, give us something to eat.

You what? I 'm jiggered man.

- Oh, come on. You don't sleep.
- Course Ida-.

I've got to offline.

I can't keep up my full-tilt,

full-power, red-hot maximum pace
all the time.

I've got to take the odd breather,
ha ven't I?

I want a triple fried
egg sandwich with...

With chilli sauce and chutney.

- You what?
- It's a state of the art sarnie.

It's the state of the floor
I 'm worried about.

All right. Okay.

Trust me.

I feel like I'm having a baby.

It's good, innit?

It's incredible.
Where did you get the recipe from?

I can't remember.

I think it was a book
on bacteriological warfare.

It's like a cross between
food and bowel surgery.

It's well naughty.

The trouble is, you've got to eat it
before the bread dissolves.

I could never invent a sandwich
like this, Lister.

You see, all the ingredients are wrong.

The fried eggs, wrong.
The chutney, wrong.

The chilli sauce, all wrong.

But put them together,

and somehow, it works.

It becomes right.

It's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you.

- What are you saying to me, Rimmer?
- You're wrong, right?

All your ingredients are wrong.

You're slobby.
You've got no sense of discipline.

You're the only man ever

to get his money back from
the Odour Eater people.

But people like you. Don't you see?

That's why you're a fried egg,
chilli, chutney sandwich.

Now, me...

Now me, all the ingredients are right.

I'm disciplined. I'm organised.
I'm dedicated to my career.

I've always got a pen.

Result? Total smeghead

despised by everyone
except the ship's parrot,

and that's only because
we haven't got one.

Why? Why is that?

I suppose it's because
you are a total smeghead.

But I'm not. I'm a nice guy.
I'm a goodie.

No, but you see, the trouble is,
you've never got time for people.

You're too busy trying to be successful.

It's all midnight revision

and, "Up, up, up
the ziggernaut. Lickety-split."

I have got time for people.

What about all the time I spent
licking up to Todhunter,

even though he was a total gimp?

And Captain Hollister,
Mr Fat Bastard 2044.

I went out of my way to simp around him.

Rimmer, that's not
having time for people.

Do you know how many times
in my entire life I made love?

- No. I don't want to know.
- I want to tell you.

- I don't want to know.
- But I want to tell you.

- But I don't want to know.
- I want to tell you.

- I am going to tell you.
- Listen. Listen, Rimmer.

If you tell me, right,
you'll wake up in the morning,

you'll have your hangover,

and you'll feel like death,
and you'll walk up to the mirror

and you'll look in the mirror,

and you'll remember and you'll go...
(SCREAMS)

See? It's not worth it.
I don't want to know.

And believe me,
you don't want to tell me.

- Once.
- Smeg.

- One time only.
- Don't tell me this, Rimmer.

You'll want to kill yourself
in the morning.

Yvonne McGruder.

A single brief liaison
with the ship's female boxing champion.

March 16th, 7:31 pm. to 7:43 pm.

- Please.
- Twelve minutes.

Please.

And that includes the time
it took to eat the pizza.

Please, Rimmer.

In my entire life,
I have spent more time being sick.

So? I mean, you haven't met
the right girl yet.

No, I haven't, Lister,
I haven't met the right girl.

And some just might say,

given the fact that the human race
no longer exists,

coupled with the fact
that I have passed on,

some just might say that I'm leaving
it a little bit on the late side.

Well, you made a decision, didn't you?

I mean, you chose your career
over your personal life.

Yes, I did. I did, didn't I?
Pearls of wisdom there

from Mr Fried Egg
Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face.

Well, I'll tell you something, Lister.
I'll tell you something.

I'd trade it all in, all of it.
My pips, my long service medals,

my swimming certificates,
my telescope, my shoe trees.

I'd trade everything in
to be loved and to have been loved.

# I 'm a little lamb
Who's lost in the wood

# Maybe I could really be good

# With someone to watch over me #

That was going to be our song,

but I never found anyone
to share it with,

so now it's just my song.

- (RIMMER WHIMPERING)
- Another bit of sky.

That's a star.

(RIMMER HUMMING DRUNKENLY)

(IMITATING BUGLE CALL)

(RESUMES BUGLE IMITATION)

(RESUMES BUGLE IMITATION)

Aah! Me foot!
I must have gone to sleep on it.

- Oh!
- Gah!

You were really putting it
away last night, Lister.

You really fell for myjoke, didn't you?

(GROANS) God, it's agony.

That McGruder gag.
Fancy falling for that, eh?

I'll give you my telescope. Anything.

Please, God, don't tell anyone.

(LISTER GROANS)

Have you done that?

When did you do that?

I didn't. I just went to bed
and I've woken up with this.

- When did you finish the jigsaw?
- I didn't.

Oi. Who 's been messing
with my star charts?

Here I am, trying to do
the comprehensive,

nay, definitive A -to-Z
of the entire universe,

with street names, post offices
and little steeples and everything,

and some git's been fiddling with it.

It's not us.

Okay, which one
of you chimpanzees did this?

Look, there's a perfectly
logical explanation for everything,

with the possible exception
of little jimmy Osmond.

- Who?
- Hang on. Today's Sunday, right?

So?

This clock says Thursday.

And that clock says Thursday.

And my foot says, "Get the person
who did this to my foot."

Four pages have been
torn out of me diary.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Somehow, we've lost the last four days.

Did you look behind the fridge?

If you lose something,
it's nearly always there.

- Aliens.
- What?

What are you talking about,
grease stain?

It's a well-documented phenomenon.

They kidnap you,
give you a mind probe, erase your memory

and put you back.

- Okay, aliens came aboard.
- Without question.

- They broke my leg.
- For some reason.

- They broke my leg.
- Right.

- Ana' then they did a jigsaw.
- Rig ht.

Well, that's cleared that up, then.

Look, you're not thinking alien.
That's what aliens are, alien.

They do alien things,
things that are alien.

Maybe this is the way they communicate.

By breaking legs?

And doing jigsaws?

Why should they 'speak' the way we do?
They're aliens.

Okay, Professor, what does it mean?

RIMMER: Maybe...

Maybe... Okay.

Breaking your leg
hurts like hell, okay? "Hell."

They do it below the knee. "Low."

"Hell-low." Get it?

They do it twice. Twice. "Two."

"Hell-Low Two."

And jigsaw must mean you.
"Hello to you."

I wouldn't like to be around

when one of these suckers
is making a speech.

Hang on. The black box.

Holly, the black box will have
recorded everything, won't it?

Yeah. Hang on. I'll fish it out.

It's gone. It's been half-inched.

Wait a minute. Let me think about this.

It gives off a signal. We can trace it.

(METAL GRINDING)

DAVID: It's the gearbox, man.
I'm telling you.

Nothing yet.

This is impossible.
It could be anywhere.

It's like trying to find a fart
in a Jacuzzi.

- (SENSORS BEEPING)
- Look. Down there, on that moon.

DAVID: Are you getting a picture now?

Yeah, but the quality's terrible.

It's like watching Spanish television.

DAVID: Oh, my God.
CAT: What the hell is that? Holy...

DAVID: Smegorama.

Uh, Holly, start the engines.

Warm her up.
Keep her ticking over, yeah?

What is it?

DAVID: It's a footprint
the size of a surfboard.

CAT: I don't believe the size
of these feet.

Can you imagine the problems
this guy must have

trying to get fashionable shoes?

DAVID: I wonder if it's true what they
say about the size of your feet.

I mean, if it is,
this guy could probably go

to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump.

I think you should come back.

DAVID: There's more of them.
They lead around this corner.

So a surfboard-foot-sized monster
came aboard, did a jigsaw,

drained our memories
and broke a couple of legs.

So what? Forgive and forget,
that's what I say.

DAVID: This I don't believe.

It's a gravestone.

"To the memory of the memory
of Lise Yates."

Who's Lise Yates?

DAVID: You're not going to believe this,

but I used to go out
with a girl called Lise Yates.

It's only shallow.
The black box is buried in the grave.

(BEEPING)

Right, it's loaded.

(IMITATING HUMPHREY BOGART)
Well, play it, Sam.

(RAPID BEEPING)

Nice-looking bloke.

I don't know if anyone
will ever find this,

but if they do and it's you, Dave,
or you, Arnold, don't ever play it.

Some things are best left buried.

- Why have you frozen him, Hol?
- You heard what he said.

Knows what he 's talking about,
that dude.

Come on, Holly. From Saturday night.

RIMMER: Do you know how many times
in my entire life I made love?

Yes, we all remember this bit.
Spin on. Spin on. Spin on.

(MOUTHING)

That many?

DAVID: Another bit of sky. A star...

(RIMMER HUMMING DRUNKENLY)

This better be good.

I was sleeping, and sleeping's
my third-favourite thing.

Come and wake me up this time of night.

What is this place?

DAVID: It's the Hologram
Simulation Suite.

This is the room that creates Rimmer.

Have we come to blow this room up?

Look, those are all his dreams
and everything there.

Look. That's what he's dreaming
right at the moment.

# Maybe I could really be good

# With someone to watch over me #

(CHUCKLING)

I'm going to give Rimmer
the best present he will ever get.

- CAT: What are you doing now?
- I'm recording me memory.

- Your entire memory?
- Yeah, everything.

Everywhere I've been,
everything I've learnt.

My entire knowledge.

Right, that's it.

I'm gonna give Rimmer a love affair.

I'm gonna take eight months
out of my memory

and I'm gonna paste it into his.

So everything that happened to me,
he's gonna think happened to him.

You're gonna give him
one of your old girlfriends?

I'm going to give him Lise Yates.

(PUNCHING KEYS)

(CAT GROWLING SOFTLY)

(LISE LAUGHING)

God I love you, Dave.
I love you so much.

[DAVID: And] love you, Use.

- A few minor adjustments.
- (PUNCHING KEYS)

God I love you, Rimmer.
I love you so much.

DAVID: And] love you, Use.

- Change the voice...
- (PUNCHING KEYS)

God I love you, Rimmer.
I love you so much.

RIMMER: And I love you, Use.

And that's it.

And when he wakes up,
he'll think all this happened to him?

Yeah, the whole eight months.

Man, that's a fine present.

He was probably only expecting a tie.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

You're in a good mood.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (RIMMER SIGHS)

Why not, Listy, when life's so good?

Why is life so good?

You wouldn't understand, Lister.
You've never been in love.

I have.

Oh, not real love, Lister.
Not like I have.

Not fireworks in the sky,
From Here to Eternity

rolling-naked-on-the-beach kind of love.

Not like me and Lise.

So who's Lise?

Never you mind, Lister.

Someone who was
absolutely nuts about me.

That's all you need to know.

Fine. If you wanna keep it to yourself.

All I'm saying is, from now on,
call me Tiger.

(MIMICS TIGER SNARLING)

An old girlfriend, was she, Tiger?

Oh. What a crazy, crazy year that was.

The first three months,
I was at Saturn Tech

doing a maintenance course.

Then, for absolutely no reason,
I suddenly moved to Liverpool.

I drank too much. I smoked too much.
I became a total slob.

I met Lise, of course. (SNAPS FINGERS)

I even started to eat
my own toenail clippings.

(SPITS)

My taste in music radically changed.

I stopped adoring Mantovani
and got into Rastabilly Skank. Crazy.

Well, you know, you're in love,
you go a bit crazy.

It was weird.
I was absolutely nuts about her,

but yet I started to
treat her really badly.

No, you didn't.

I did. I started to give her
some wishy-washy twaddle

about not wanting to get tied down.

But you were young.
You didn't want to settle down.

You wanted to bum around
and have a laugh.

But I hate bumming around
and having a laugh.

But that's what you're like
when you're young.

But I wasn't like that when I was young.
So why did I say those things?

I mean, she wanted you to have a career.

That's what I'd always dreamt of.

So why did I finish it with her?

Because... You wanted to play the field.

(SNAPS FINGERS) That's right.
I told her I wanted to play the field.

I told her that? I must have been mad.

She was great,
and she thought I was great.

Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.

- She was a lover and a friend.
- And beautiful.

- Gorgeous.
- Great sense of humour.

- Terrific.
- The sex was fantastic.

- Amazing sex.
- It was brilliant sex.

- Oh, primo, dynamite sex.
- Fantastic sex. Stupendous sex.

- Lister?
- The way she used to...

- Lister?
- Oh, the sex. Brilliant sex.

- Lister. Lister, how do you know?
- I'm just having a guess.

RIMMER: Kindly don't.

No one will ever know

how beautiful the relationship
between me and Lise Yates was.

How could you do this to me?

It's the most
heartbreakingly tragic thing

that's ever been
my misfortune to witness.

Popcorn?

Look, I'm sorry, man.

I mean, obviously,
I thought I was doing you a favour.

What's all this got to do
with jigsaws, broken legs

and Godzilla-sized footprints, eh?

- Right, smegbraln, prepare to die.
- Eh?

- I found the letters.
- What letters?

Don't give me, "What letters?"
The letters.

- What letters?
- You went out with Lise Yates, too.

I found the letters she sent you.

(SIGHING) Oh, smeg.

All the time she was going out with me,
she must've been seeing you as well.

Behind my back.

And what is more,
to pour salt into the wound,

you used to take her to the exact
same places I used to take her

and do the exact same things.

Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.

That woman is unbelievable.

We spent a night in a hotel in Southport
and made love six times.

According to her letter,
you were in the exact same hotel

and you made love six times, too.

- Listen...
- Twelve times a night?

What is wrong with the woman?
She's sex-mad.

- Listen.
- It's a good job you were there.

If I'd been there on my own,
I'd have been dead within a week.

But it doesn't make sense.
I mean, she loved me.

Listen, listen. She wasn't going out
with us both at the same time.

Come on, I've checked the dates.

She wasn't going out with you at all.

She...

She didn't go out with me at all?

No, you've never even met her.

Is that the best you can do, Lister?
That's below feeble.

I went down
to the Hologram Simulation Suite

and I gave you eight months
of my memory.

- What?
- It was a present.

You gave me eight months
of your memory as a present?

Yeah.

That's why I was an orphan,
even though my parents were alive.

That's why I had my appendix out twice.

I thought it was what you needed.

You've destroyed me, Lister.

The woman I love most in the whole world

didn't love me,

she loved you.

Rimmer, listen...
Rimmer, listen... Rimmer.

Smeg!

You should have bought him a tie.

Come on, Rimmer.
You've experienced love.

It made you more confident, more secure.

- It didn't happen. I never even met her.
- It did happen.

I mean, you fell in love with her
in a way I never did.

She's yours now.
Nothing can take that away from you.

That time she stuck her tongue
down my ear.

It wasn't my ear at all,
it was your ear.

The woman I love most in the whole world

had her tongue down your ear.

The most romantic thing
I've ever had down my ear

is a Johnson's Baby Bud.

Come on, as far as you're concerned,

you had a love affair, right?
Which was wonderful, yeah?

And for some reason
that you can't understand,

it all went hideously wrong.

Well, so what? Join the club, bucko.

It's just you, me
and everyone else in the world.

I don't want to feel like this any more.

So you're in pain, yeah?

But, Rimmer, if you go through life
without feeling,

if you go through life
never experiencing,

you're no better than a jellyfish,
no better than a bank manager.

I don't want this feeling any more.
I want my own memory back.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll erase the last four days.
Lise Yates will never have happened.

But you'll know about it.

Well, I'll erase my memory
from Sunday, too.

- And the Cat's and Holly's.
- Fine, if they agree.

What about the black box?

- I'll destroy it.
- It's indestructible.

- Okay, I'll shoot it off into space.
- Someone might find it.

Okay, okay, we'll bury it.
We'll bury it on some planet, yeah?

DAVID: I'm going to drop it.
I'm going to drop it.

Put it down, man. Put it down.

CAT: Why does he want a gravestone?

DAVID: He said he just wanted
something somewhere, you know.

So it didn't, like, disappear.

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

DAVID: Me foot!
I've broken me foot! It's broken!

CAT: Help me find my toes!

Okay, that's it.

Let's go and erase our memories.

(END THEME SONG PLAYING)

# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #