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1
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,839
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf,
2
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,276
Its crew; Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
3
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,352
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate;
4
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,194
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat, Message ends,
5
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,355
Additional, Our biggest enemy
is going space-crazy through loneliness,
6
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,228
The only thing that helps me maintain
my grip on reality
7
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:35,154
is the friendship I share
with my singing potatoes,
8
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,711
Ni neteen. "When you are alone i n bed,
what do you wear?
9
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,950
"Is it: A, nothing at all;
10
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,031
"B, a flannelette nightie;
11
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,237
"or C, a sexy black negligee?"
12
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,719
C.
13
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,797
Twenty. "Do you think your boobs are...
A, too small;
14
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,190
"B, just right; or C, too large?"
15
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,230
Definitely too large!
16
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,311
So, what's my rating?
17
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,518
"Mainly Cs. You sure are one foxy lady.
18
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,990
"Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it. "
19
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,548
Yes! I'm a sex beast!
20
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,151
Do you mind?!
21
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,993
- What?
- I'm trying to concentrate.
22
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:29,271
- I can't hear you.
- What are you listening to?
23
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,351
It's hot, man.
24
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,750
"Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?!
25
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,831
Let's have a listen.
26
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,556
The tape must have got twisted, man!
This is really good!
27
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,831
Excuse me!
28
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,352
I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation,
29
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,431
which could swing the game.
30
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:59,559
- Rimmer, you've lost, man.
- There's plenty of play.
31
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:05,272
- There's one move, then he zaps you.
- Admittedly, that is how it looks.
32
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,590
But you're not taking into consideration
33
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:12,993
that El Skutto here has to go back
on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds,
34
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:17,710
and if he goes before the game finishes,
I win by default.
35
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,916
Four minutes, 15.
36
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,798
Rimmer! Rimmer!
37
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:29,119
You're a piece of dirty, filthy,
cheating scum, aren't you?
38
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,509
Absolutement! That's why I'll win,
39
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,353
because I think my way round problems,
40
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,830
rather than sticking
to the pre-programmed lines.
41
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,480
That's why men are better than machines.
42
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,951
Oh, I don't know. I had
this geography teacher, Miss Foster.
43
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:50,034
She took us camping to Deganwy.
I had the tent next to hers, right?
44
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,875
In the night, I was woken up
by this really weird noise.
45
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,077
SHE didn't think men were better than machines.
46
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,232
- What's happening, then, dudes?
- Bog all.
47
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:06,599
- I forgot what I was going to say,
- It can't be important, then.
48
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,750
That's it, "Look out,
a meteor is about to hit the ship, "
49
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,992
- I knew it would come back to me,
- Thanks!
50
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,470
- Sorry,
- What's wrong with you, Holly?
51
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,711
- He's computer-senile.
- Is there any damage?
52
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,712
I don't know, The damage report
machine's damaged,
53
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,793
- Where did it hit?
- All my monitors are out,
54
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,792
Round about floor 591, I think,
55
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:40,158
You're as much use
as a condom machine in the Vatican.
56
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,313
Nothing here. Let's try 592.
57
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,113
Er... Has anybody seen my legs?
58
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,239
They're not below my waist
where I normally keep them.
59
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:06,075
- Holly, where are Rimmer's legs?
- Here they are right here!
60
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:10,199
- Stop them!
- C'mon, leggies. Over here.
61
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,910
Of course, 592, That's where
the hologram simulation suite is,
62
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,993
- What does this mean?
- It's probably not serious,
63
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,790
If it's not serious when your genitals
wander off on their own, what is?
64
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,838
Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me!
65
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,195
Here it is, 592,
66
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,510
Rimmer, are you all right?
67
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:52,033
Well, you see, the shuttle was late.
68
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:56,318
And they're usually so good.
They're so good. They're brilliant.
69
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,391
What's happened to him?
70
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,996
- He's Brannigan, ship's psychiatrist.
- We'd better get him fixed,
71
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,833
I've got it in hand, No panic,
72
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,673
No panic everyone.
I've got it in hand.
73
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,320
Just override the charred relays,
74
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,551
- Just override the charred relays.
- How do you do that?
75
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:27,395
- How do you do that?
- Bypass the main circuit,
76
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,914
Bypass the main circuit.
77
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,070
- This one?
- This one?
78
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,196
- Yeah, that one,
- Yeah, that one.
79
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,192
- Now press the bypass,
- Now press the bypass.
80
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:43,154
That was horrible.
I never want to go through that again!
81
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,755
Aow! Aow!
82
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,149
Hey! Now he's me!
83
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,118
Stick the red plug in the blue socket,
84
00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,070
- Am I OK now?
- Yeah,
85
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,151
Shouldn't this plug into something?
86
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:06,392
Oh, yeah, that joins up with the white cable,
87
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,829
...or is it the yellow cable?
88
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,309
Yes, it should have been yellow,
89
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,030
You are a total, total...
90
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:37,194
a word has yet to be invented
to describe you, but you are one,
91
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,714
and a total one at that.
92
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,791
Keep your hair on,
93
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:46,192
- I'm lucky to keep my legs on.
- He's out to lunch.
94
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:51,593
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, the lot!
He's not in for a single meal.
95
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,753
- Hey, who's that?
- Aliens!
96
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,480
- Queeg!
- Who's Queeg?
97
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,950
I'm Queeg 500, the back-up computer,
98
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,713
All vessels of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet
99
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,713
carry a back-up computer
to replace the primary computer
100
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,076
if the primary computer contravenes Article 5,
101
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,196
I am therefore assuming control,
102
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,589
This is mutiny, Mr Queeg,
103
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:23,073
You'll swing from the highest yardarm
in Titan Docking Port for this,
104
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,151
What's Article 5?
105
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,277
Gross negligence, leading to
the endangerment of personnel,
106
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,876
- But Holly has an IQ of 6,000!
- Right on,
107
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,117
- Is that what he told you?
- Well, what is it?
108
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,829
It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000,
109
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,115
- What is it?
- Six,
110
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:48,038
Six? Do me a lemon!
That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
111
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:52,716
How come he knows all about science
and space when we ask him?
112
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,473
- He consults a book,
- What a slimeball!
113
00:08:55,560 --> 00:09:00,156
He gets all his information
on science from a single book,
114
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:04,199
- What book?
- Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space,
115
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,397
It's the only one he could find with pictures,
116
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:12,119
That's slander, that is,
You'd better find a good lawyer, guy,
117
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,875
- That's why he's never on the case!
- I am on the case,
118
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,951
I'm sharp, I'm kicking bottom,
119
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,077
How come he can navigate us back to Earth?
120
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:25,119
He can't, You've been going around
in circles for 14 months,
121
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,034
- You what?
- A load of Tottenham, that is,
122
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,588
A steaming pile of Hotspur,
123
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:35,593
I'm on to his game, He's turning you
against me, so he can take over,
124
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,752
No discussions, The decision has been made,
125
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,196
You've been bypassed, You've been retired,
126
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:46,831
- I'm in my prime!
- You'll be nightwatchman,
127
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:51,152
From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500,
128
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,156
Queeg to all personnel,
Course redirection implemented,
129
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:13,314
New bearing 057-776, Message ends,
130
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,032
Ah, Lister, this is a bit different, isn't it?
131
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:22,398
See those skutters, charging up
and down the corridor, repairing, sweeping?
132
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,517
The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work.
133
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,956
And I mean they work when you turn them on,
134
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,033
as opposed to when you happen
to pass them and cough.
135
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,429
Yeah, I suppose.
136
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:40,469
There's no point feeling sorry
about Holly. It's a kindness.
137
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:44,712
He's like an old incontinent sheepdog
who's had his day.
138
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:51,598
Take him out to the barn
with a shotgun and blow the mother away.
139
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,869
I'm only saying that because I'm fond of him.
140
00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:00,795
- How do you think Holly feels?
- He doesn't feel anything. He's a computer.
141
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,871
He still feels.
142
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:07,158
Sometimes I think it's cruel
giving machines a personality.
143
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:11,028
My mate bought a pair
of shoes with artificial intelligence.
144
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,429
Smart Shoes, they were called.
145
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:18,753
No matter how blind drunk you were,
they could always get you home.
146
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:23,516
He got ratted one night in Oslo,
and woke up the next morning in Burma.
147
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,957
See, the shoes got bored.
They wanted to see the world.
148
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,589
He couldn't get rid of them.
Whenever he sold them,
149
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:37,152
they'd show up again the next day
and kick the door down.
150
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,949
- Is this true?
- Yeah. Last thing he heard,
151
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,669
they'd robbed a car and driven into a canal.
152
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,389
- They couldn't steer.
- Really?
153
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:54,555
Yeah. Petersen was blown away
about by it. He went to see a priest.
154
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:58,713
He said that the shoes had gone to heaven.
155
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,598
It turns out shoes have "souls".
156
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,149
Well, what a sad, sad story.
157
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,431
Wait a minute...
158
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,878
How did they open the car door?
159
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,872
Off!
160
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:49,831
Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock
gone off at six o'clock?
161
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,195
That's the time you asked for,
162
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,158
Holly and I had this little understanding.
163
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,915
I'd say, "Wake me up at six without fail,"
164
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:05,030
then Holly would pretend to forget,
and wake me around ten with breakfast. OK?
165
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,593
Off!
166
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,714
Queeg, I can see we've already
cultivated a special understanding -
167
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,873
I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine.
168
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,838
- Give me a uniform.
- Exercises first,
169
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:30,234
Ah, yes. Now once again,
Holly and I had this understanding...
170
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,311
Move it, boy!
171
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,831
What are you doing?!
172
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,879
I'm putting you
through the regulation 500 jerks,
173
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,589
- Stop it.
- Then it's a three-mile run,
174
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,877
You just can't take control of my body!
175
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,599
The company pays
for your hologramatic survival,
176
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,069
In space, I AM the company,
177
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,675
- Lister, wake up! Help!
- What's going on?
178
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,479
Queeg! He's making me fit!
179
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,991
What are you doing?!
My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby!
180
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,071
- One!
- Mummy!
181
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,833
- Two! Three!
- Mercy! Help me!
182
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,718
- Four!
- Holly and I had an understanding!
183
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,553
Yes! Fight that flab!
184
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:19,236
I want my body back! Three more hours
will kill me! I'm going to faint!
185
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,870
I said food! Is anybody home?
186
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,671
What's the matter with him?
187
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,718
He fainted after the first 500 yards,
188
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:52,316
- You made him jog unconscious?
- It's regulations,
189
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,630
Yes! Nice one, Queeg!
190
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:59,874
Right, 0700, Time for astronavigation
revision, I'd better wake him,
191
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:07,118
Revise and learn pages 25 to 59,
You will then be tested,
192
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:12,558
If you fail, tomorrow you do five miles,
I am now returning control of your body,
193
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,510
Hey, I can't get any food!
194
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:32,470
- Try a different machine.
- I did. "You have run out of credits. "
195
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,030
- They've all gone crazy!
- Queeg, what's happened?
196
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,635
Article 497,
When a crewmember runs out of credit,
197
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,269
food may not be supplied
until the balance is restored,
198
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,592
Nah. Listen, me and Holly,
we had this little understanding...
199
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,275
- If you want food, you have to work,
- Work?!
200
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,432
You'd better start. I'm one hungry pussycat.
201
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,991
- Both ofyou,
- Whoa! I don't do the "W" word.
202
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:03,995
Cats do NOT work!
I've got a note from my mommy.
203
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:08,870
- From now on, EVERYBODY works!
- Not this pussy!
204
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,713
I can't believe I'm doing this!
205
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:16,430
Look at me! I'm disgusting!
I'm like you in your best clothes!
206
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:20,513
Look, it's easy.
Just imagine the floor is Queeg's face.
207
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,588
Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
208
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:31,629
- Well, wear the smegging gloves!
- Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy?
209
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,953
- How long do we have to do this?
- It's only been ten minutes.
210
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:41,556
- We've got to do it all day.
- What?! All day?
211
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,997
The whole day? I'm a cat.
212
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:51,677
If I don't nap, I don't have
enough energy for my main snooze.
213
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,554
Halt! Who goes there? Friend or foe?
214
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,279
- Holly!
- How you doin'?
215
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,079
Let me wipe your screen.
216
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,789
- So, how's it going?
- What you been up to, man?
217
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,952
Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy,
218
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,998
Shining me torch down corridors,
219
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:16,551
Turning it off, Shining it again,
Life's pretty full,
220
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:20,349
- Help us, Hol.
- Queeg has got to go!
221
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,352
Look at my cuticles. He's a maniac.
222
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,510
I agree!
223
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,194
He's got us working for food.
224
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,511
Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing,
225
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,115
unlike certain senile wrecks
of computers we could mention,
226
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,112
Still, it was nice how everyone defended me,
227
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,318
- Different story now,
- I defended you.
228
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:46,154
I remember, Queeg says I've got an IQ of six,
229
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:50,358
and you leap to my defence, saying,
"Really? That explains everything!"
230
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,113
- No. That was Ri mmer!
- Nevertheless,
231
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:57,318
certain characters
don't believe my IQ is 6,000,
232
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,597
- I believe you.
- I could prove it,
233
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,558
- There's no need.
- I want to,
234
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,679
OK, what's the square root of 2,049?
235
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,514
- Oh, you want me to prove it?
- No, no.
236
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:16,754
Clearly doing the square root of 2,049
will prove I have an IQ of 6,000,
237
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:21,277
- What is it?
- You wouldn't prefer a sports question?
238
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:26,354
- Forget it. It's not important.
- It is to me, I want to clear my name,
239
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,433
Well, what is the square root of 2,049?
240
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,354
- How about a space question?
- Like what?
241
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,159
Like, "What's the nearest planet to the sun?"
242
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,597
- What's the nearest planet to the sun?
- Easy-peasy,
243
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,831
That's right down
my particular field of expertise,
244
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,549
Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is...
245
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,958
Mercury,
246
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,838
- That's right.
- Ye of little faith,
247
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,391
- Well, I'm convi nced.
- Me, too. Can we get rid of Queeg?
248
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,950
Do you believe I'm the right dude for the gig?
249
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,033
- Yeah.
- I'll be in touch,
250
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,391
He's taking the smeg!
251
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,550
- Who is?
- Queeg.
252
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:41,839
Look at what he's given me.
A pea on toast. One pea.
253
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,196
I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.
254
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,351
I've lost me pea!
255
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,432
Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
256
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,710
He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
257
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:06,397
Is he? Well, I want me pea back.
I earned that pea!
258
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:12,430
Where is it? I don't care if it's
under the bed with me toenail clippings,
259
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,911
I earned it. I'm going to eat it, no matter what.
260
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,798
It flew into your dirty sock basket.
261
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,840
I'll just have the toast.
262
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,999
- Why didn't we stick up for Holly?
- I did.
263
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,071
You did?! When?
264
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,948
- All right, I didn't.
- Nobody did. It's terrible.
265
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,429
We thought we'd get something better.
266
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,671
What about trust? What about fidelity?
267
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,718
What about simple, basic, honest friendship?
268
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:49,670
Friendship? Do you know how many people
I can count as true friends?
269
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,912
Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid,
your Polythene Pal, one.
270
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,311
I'll tell you.
271
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,198
None. I got burned once and I learned my lesson.
272
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,714
Don't trust anybody.
273
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,553
There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck.
274
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,110
I'd known him ten years. We were almost family.
275
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,591
His dad was knocking off my mum,
that's how close we were.
276
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,195
- We were in the Space Scouts together.
- Space Scouts?
277
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,592
Oh, yes... Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap!
278
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,117
We were 15 years old.
We went on this survival course,
279
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,192
sleeping rough,
surviving on wild berries and rainwater.
280
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:40,195
- Where did you go? Butlins?
- We each got a Swiss Army knife.
281
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,999
You only ate what you killed yourself.
282
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,276
Ten boys got together and decided to eat me.
283
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:54,556
They tied me to a stake, lit a fire
and poured barbecue sauce all over me.
284
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,871
I remember thinking as I went round and round,
285
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,919
"Porky will save me. He's my best friend. "
286
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,755
It turned out Porky was the ringleader
and had bagsied my right buttock.
287
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:11,709
If it wasn't for the Space Mistress,
they really would have eaten me.
288
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,588
Oh, come on. They were only bullying you.
289
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,672
You know what kids are like.
290
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,639
The point is, friends are only friends
when it suits them.
291
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,031
Oh... Lights.
292
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,192
- Lister?
- Yeah?
293
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,919
How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?
294
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,231
I've been seeing her behind your back.
295
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,154
- Compute,
- Compute.
296
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,710
The product of the correlation of vx/dy
minus the sum of the set v1
297
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:59,272
over the sum of r, given that r is a ratio
of p over s and s is an integer variable,
298
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,079
- Just one small question...
- Yes?
299
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,515
What does "compute" mean?
300
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,957
Just do it! And you two,
stop shirking and get working!
301
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,589
# Do not forsake me, oh, my love
302
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:25,350
# I only know I must be brave
303
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,115
# For I must face the man who hates me
304
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:36,155
# Or I will cower in my grave... #
305
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,589
Queeg, I want my ship back,
306
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,070
- Too bad,
- You'll have to fight for her,
307
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,390
Hol, this man's a nutter.
308
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:52,554
- I challenge you to the game ofyour choice,
- Oh, my God.
309
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,917
- The winner gets command of Red Dwarf,
- And the loser?
310
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,072
The loser will be erased, terminated,
oblivionised,
311
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,516
- Bye- bye, baldy.
- Name your game,
312
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,160
- Chess,
- Any game,
313
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,073
- Chess,
- Draughts, poker... anything,
314
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,549
- Chess,
- Subbuteo, snakes and ladders...
315
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,473
- Chess,
- Monopoly, maybe?
316
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,518
- Chess!
- Like chess, do you?
317
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,716
Transfer me to the monitor,
318
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,874
Don't do this. You'll get rubbed.
319
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,750
A computer's gotta do what a computer's
gotta do, Let battle commence,
320
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:33,470
- Pawn to King 4,
- Horsie to King Bish 3,
321
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,915
It's called a knight, actually, Holly.
322
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,516
- Knight to King Bishop 3,
- Queen to Rook *, Checkmate,
323
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:45,469
- That's an illegal move,
- Oh, sorry, I was thinking of poker,
324
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,750
Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard,
325
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,428
Psst! If it's any help,
I've been studyi ng his tactics
326
00:24:54,520 --> 00:25:00,993
and there's a pattern - every time
you make a move, he makes one, too.
327
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,951
Thanks, Cat.
328
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,230
Pawn to King 4,
329
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,754
Knight to King Bish 3,
330
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,316
- Bishop to Knight 5,
- Horsie takes King prawn,
331
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,836
- Pawn to Queen 5,
- Horsie to Bish 3,
332
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,797
- Bishop...
- ... to Queen 3,
333
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,394
- ... takes pawn,
- Prawn to King 4,
334
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,948
Horsie to Bish 3,
335
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,953
- Prawn takes Horsie,
- Bishop-pawn takes pawn,
336
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,952
- Bish takes prawn,
- Bishop to Knight 5,
337
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,713
Double check and mate, sucker!
338
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:39,430
- Oh, yeah, I didn't see that,
- Holly, what have you done?
339
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,115
- He's lost.
- And the loser gets erased,
340
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,791
Noughts and crosses?
341
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,750
What kind of plan was that?
342
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,559
A stupid plan, that's what it was.
343
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:12,155
- Why didn't we stop him?
- We thought he had something up his sleeve.
344
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,949
Now we've got Queeg forever,
and that's a long time.
345
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:20,670
- Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye,
- You're definitely getting rubbed?
346
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,752
- 'Fraid so,
- Life'll be hell!
347
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,831
Well, see you, Dave,
348
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,879
- Hope it works out with Kochanski,
- Cheers, Hol.
349
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,951
See you, Cat,
350
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:37,160
I hope you fulfil your heart's desire
and get your end away,
351
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,991
Thanks, man.
352
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,390
And Arnold... I hope you meet those aliens
353
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:49,919
and get a body, get a sex life
and all the rest you feel you need,
354
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,912
Thanks, Hol.
355
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,991
Well, I hate long goodbyes,
356
00:26:55,080 --> 00:27:00,200
Perhaps next time you're down the disco,
you'll raise a glass to old Holly
357
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,875
and think, "Things weren't too bad with him,
358
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,590
"Perhaps not the most efficient
computer, but we had a giggle, "
359
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:14,073
- Oh, one last thing... 45,265**1,
- What?
360
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:20,838
That's the square root of 2,049,
I may not be fast, but I get there,
361
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,674
Well, as they always say, finish on a song,
362
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,670
# I'll say goodbye to love
363
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:33,436
# No one ever cared if I should live or die
364
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:39,072
# Time and time again the chance
for love has passed me by... #
365
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,955
OK, suckers,
get this into your stupid thick heads,
366
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,112
- I've got one thing to say,
- What?
367
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,395
What's happening, dudes?
368
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,279
We are talking Jape of the Decade,
369
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:09,669
We are talking April, May,
June, July and August Fool,
370
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,999
Yes, that's right, I am Queeg,
371
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,671
What?!
372
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,832
Queeg never existed, It was me all along,
373
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,992
- WHAT?!
- Wheeze of the week, mate,
374
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,631
- It was a joke?!
- Going in circles for 14 months!
375
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,190
Getting information
from the Junior Encyclopaedia of Space!
376
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,840
Your respect for me is awesome,
377
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,514
You mean you staged the whole thi ng?
378
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,875
That's right, suckers!
379
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:43,635
The moral is appreciate what you've got,
380
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,915
because basically, I'm fantastic!
381
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,077
# It's cold outside
382
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,957
# There's no kind of atmosphere
383
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,396
# I'm all alone, more or less
384
00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:00,597
# Let me fly far away from here
385
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,433
# Fun, fun, fun
386
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,035
# In the sun, sun, sun
387
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:10,476
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
388
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,836
# Drinking fresh mango juice
389
00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,196
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
390
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,953
# Fun, fun, fun
391
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,715
# In the sun, sun, sun
392
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,473
# Fun, fun, fun
393
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,633
# In the sun, sun, sun #
32303
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