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(dog bark)

(dog bark)

Fuck come on!

Fucking hell.

That's weird.

No, it's. Cool. Go.

But anyway, I was an unborn baby

trying to squeeze my way through the stone steps which was really my mother's womb

and don't ask me how I knew that, but I knew.

What the fuck Bonkers. Nooo

They were real big and ugly.

And they were wearing these rubber gloves.

I guess, for the birthing process.

And they were covered in, like.

Are you nuts?

What are we going to do?

Well, I got.

Ready to go?

Did you ever think you

may have to be on the radio? Me?

Don't forget your slut stick.

(bark)

Genital herpes.

No one wants to talk about genital herpes, so let's talk about it.

Genital herpes is caused by a virus, not a bacteria.

There are two types of herpes viruses.

Type one, which generally causes cold sores, and type two,

which causes genital herpes.

Thanks for the ride. Mmm hmm.

You've reached Another World.

This is Slutty Little Bi Peep talking.

Yes. Hello.

I was wondering if you could help me. What?

I'm looking for something very specific.

I want a new Irish midget corn.

Irish midget corn? Yes.

But what makes it Irish are they're leprechauns or some shit.

What?

No, they're midgets with Irish accents. Why?

Because it's hot.

All right, you know what?

Shut the fuck up.

I told you not to call back here with your weird, specific shit.

OK. I'll check back next week.

What? No, don't check back. We're not going to ha...

great. Yeah, OK. We'll do this again next week.

Little Bo Peep hot and nasty.

What?

Little Bo Peep hot and nasty.

Hot and nasty.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Like the video girls.

Who? Video girls. The story book

bitches and whores hot and nasty.

They say they don't want it but then they do.

They're hot and nasty.

But those are kids stories. Huh?

Huh?

The girls in the stories, they don't really want their kids.

They do.

Hot, hot and nasty.

Who the kids?

Yeah.

Hot and nasty,

$32.95.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

Smoking is bad for you.

Hey. Hey.

Bye. See ya.

Hey Bonkers.

Oh! I'm sorry my Bonkers.

My Bo Bo Bonkers.

Oh, ok.

I know.

Ok. Bye Bonkers.

Hey Joe.

What's up, kid?

Yeah,

Double screw driver.

Ok.

Thanks. I'm gonna need another one real soon.

Sure.

So you're out really late for a kindergarten teacher.

What?

For an elementary school teacher?

Don't you have to get up at like seven?

Oh, yeah. No, that's fine. They'll do it.

Who, the kids?

What? No, the teachers.

The teachers all stay out...

What the fuck are you talking about kids for?

What? Oh, wait the kids.

Cause they're all hot and nasty right?

Especially Little Bo Peep.

Let's get out of here.

Now look who's Little Bo Peep, it's you.

I could unalive you right now if I wanted to.

Morning.

Morning.

Please go away. I'm pretending I'm not seeing you

get back to the house this late.

Oh, ok.

No poop today.

Must be my birthday.

Hey Mr. Rogers.

It's my birthday.

You know you're not the real Mr. Rogers.

I know

You're ready to go?

Nice hats.

it's also better that you take note of some of the unexplained disease

that an HIV positive patient might have. Some diseases to watch out

are recurrent upper respiratory tract infections.

Pulmonary tuberculosis and chronic diarrhea.

AIDS can be prevented, but never can be cured.

Prevention, like having protected seggs is still the most effective way

to get HIV and AIDS out of the way.

Happy birthday to me.

It's my birthday.

I'm so happy. Except I'm not really.

But we can pretend.

Excuse me ma'am? It might be happy I'm in a porn star.

Except that gets old because I've been working here for so long.

But happy birthday. Ma'am?

Excuse me, ma'am? What?

Could you not smoke in here?

What? Could you not smoke in here? Why?

I'm pregnant?

If you're pregnant, why are you here?

Excuse me? Why are you here when you're pregnant?

What does that have to do with anything?

Just seems weird that somebody pregnant would want to watch porn.

Like unnatural.

For your information, I'm not buying these DVDs for myself.

I'm buying them from my loving husband, who has been more than wonderful these past few months

while I have been a raging, hormonally charged bitch.

But all of that is really none of your business.

What is your business is if I report to your manager

that you are smoking and polluting the air in an enclosed public area.

Suck my dick!

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Have a happy miscarriage.

Thanks.

I seen your husband buy gay porn here.

Uh, how can I...

You can help me by explaining why this DVD didn't work.

What's wrong?

It's skipping a lot.

It skipped the whole way through.

Well, did you try?

Yes, I tried blowing on it several times and puttin' it back in the DVD player,

and it still didn't work.

OK, you just waiting for me to talk again so you can interrupt me?

What are you talking about?

It's just weird 'cause it'll be quiet like you're done talking, but then when I try to talk.

You're being very lippy with me.

I'm sorry. I didn't.

It's OK. Just don't make a habit out of it.

I'm sorry. OK, so you said the DVD does not.

DVD does not work.

OK,

it's been quiet for a while now so I'm going to try to talk, but I know... I need you to fix this DVD.

Do you have your uh...

Yes, I have my receipt right here.

All right, you know what?

Here, here's your money., take it. I give up. Please.

Thank you.

Miss?

That one's about frozen food dildos.

Wow, you're really crazy for a librarian.

Yea, I know

we're all kind of like this. What?

Really? Yea, it's pretty weird,

Oh, hey.

Yeah. Uh huh. Oh, hey, yourself.

Where the fuck have you been? Uh excuse me.

Beech go fuck yourself. Oh.

Liz, this is Lacey with the Mole. I mean Lacey.

Wow, this is Lacey.

I don't care.

Yeah.

Hey, what's up?

The fuck is your problem?

You ignore me for days, and now you're here with this skank.

Hey, what the fuck?

Oh, sorry. OK, this is just what I do.

What the hell does that mean?

We are dating!

Shit.

2 seconds.

OK, hold on one second. Fine.

Seriously, we're going to be out in one second.

Emma!

Why are you being so weird?

Lacey, I'm not being weird.

You just don't know me.

How can you say that? Because you don't.

We slept together. I sleep with everyone.

Oh, nice. Look, Lacey

I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, ok?

But seriously, I slept with whoever I want, and I try not to hurt people's feelings.

Who are you?

Listen. Sorry, but I don't do drama.

What? Neither do I?

Emma wake up.

What the fuck!

It's Saturday. You're going to be late for your appointment.

Fuck.

The fuck am I doing with this guy?

I got to get out of this fuckin' place.

Cunt!

Beech.

Candy? No.

Thanks. OK.

So how was your birthday?

Awesome.

What did you do?

Uh, worked, drank.

At the porn store and the bar.

You drank at the porn store and you...

No, I worked at the porn store, and I drink at the bar. Mm.

Did you get anything special?

Hats. Hmm.

From your mother? Yep.

Did you get a card from your father?

That must have been upsetting.

I don't give a fuck.

I mean, there's money in it, so.

What did you do with it?

What? The money.

The card Emma.

Oh, I burned it.

Again, Emma?

When are you going to let go of some of this rage Emma?

Alright, OK, stop.

This is bullshit, ok?

Every time I come in here, I don't do anything.

I just like sit here

and you say I'm full of rage while I'm, like, coloring or eating a piece of candy or some shit.

It's bullshit. OK, sorry. It is.

You seem very angry today. Right? OK.

There it is.

It's perfectly natural

for you to feel this anger when a child's been sexually abused by a member

Whoa, I really

don't want to talk about this today.

We must talk about it.

No, we really don't. Like I'm not angry.

Happy? See, I'm kind of like this

happy, carefree person that doesn't ever do mean things to people ever.

You tried setting him on fire, Emma.

Once.

Yes. Like, 14 years ago. Yes.

And when a person tries to set another person

on fire with the intention of killing them,

that usually indicates that person is angry.

Which person?

The instigator

So Dave, you mean the person lighting the fire?

Yes. Yes.

So I'm sorry, Dave

that means you mean that they're only angry if they're trying to kill

them, right? Well.

any setting another person on fire would usually indicate that person is upset.

Sure you don't want any candy. No.

And this is it for you.

Hey, you can't pick, those.

You can't do that! You get out of here!

Hey daughter.

Doctor Sherman's a dick.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore.

Maybe honey, try not to murder people.

Oh, I saw Wasteland Pride today,

and he gave me a flower he stole from the therapy garden.

Oooo.

Pound it.

Can I get a double screwdriver?

Hey tarbender, can I get another drink?

Hey. Hey.

So. So.

Oh, girl can drink.

Girl's not a girl anymore.

I got my period a decade ago.

And yes I can fucking drink. It's kind of a problem.

You're kind of feisty.

I like it.

Great. I'm glad I asked you.

Hey, Joe, can I get another...

Don't even worry about it. I got, you.

No thanks.

Crips, would you step off?

You're, like, up my asshole here.

Oh, yeah.

Don't worry about it. Bro!

What the fuck is this guy's problem?

It's like he doesn't want any business.

I think he doesn't want any of your business

Sonic hair.

Now you keep talking so cold to me and

I just might have to leave you alone.

What the fuck?

Yes, please leave me alone.

Crips, can't anyone drink alone anymore?

I know you're not a prude.

I saw you last week.

What day?

Thursday or something. You were making out with some guy.

Which guy?

What? Lost count?

Uh yea like ten years ago.

It's kind of hot.

Blow me.

What do you like, girls or something?

Yeah, sometimes.

Oh. Oh, come on.

Please don't tell me you're bisexual.

That shit is the biggest lie of the century.

What the fuck.

People like one or the other, alright?

They don't like both. People that say they like both

they're just trying to get attention.

OK, I need to not be talking to you.

Come on, come on.

Try to try to sell me on this bisexual thing.

Try to sell you on the fact that I fuck both genders? You know what?

Get the fuck out of here. I didn't want to talk to you in the first place.

What is your problem, Dike?

You're my fucking problem, you scummy piece of greasy haired shit.

Get the fuck out of my sight before I smash a bottle inside your fucking eye.

Fuck you, ho.

Is there a problem here?

What the fuck do you want pretty, boy.

I want you to leave this woman alone.

Why don't you fuck off maggot?

Here.

Take a seat. Let me buy you a drink.

You don't have to buy me drink, but I'll gladly sit next to you?

No way. I'm pretty sure after that I owe you one.

Hey, Joe, get this man a...

Oh, shit. What do you want.

Anything's fine if you're insisting.

Well I am, bring him the house special.

What? You know it's the uh...

It's the double screwdriver.

Right.

You know, because I always order it.

Cigarette.

No, thanks. I actually gave them up a while ago.

Yea, me too. I mean I am now quitting.

It's pretty hard.

Tell me about it.

I tried the whole oral substitution thing and pretty sure I went through about 10 pounds of lollipops.

So I already know you right?

You were in the porn store.

Oh, shit. No, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

It's not embarrassing to me.

I mean, I work there, so obviously.

Yea, I was just checking some machinery out.

I'm not, like, weird really into porn or anything like that.

Oh, no, me neither.

I just work there because it's close to where I live.

Wait, I didn't.

I didn't mean that you were weird or obsessed with porn or anything.

I actually figured you weren't into it.

Oh, OK.

Uh why?

I don't know you just kind of seemed above it.

That's, like, the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

It shouldn't be.

Yeah.

Well, no, I'm actually not into porn at all.

That must be hard to work there then.

Yeah, well, that's just what I do on the side did you?

That's not what I do.

Do you think that's what I did? Right.

What's your real job, then? I'm a Painter.

A painter?

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not famous or anything.

I've only ever sold a few for, like, a couple of thousand each.

That's that's, like, really impressive.

That's not.

That's just my main thing I want to do.

What do you do?

Nothing that impressive.

Actually I work in the school district.

I do tech work there.

I work on websites for the school system. And,

you know, co teach them the class of teachers.

That's cool.

Actually it's pretty dorky.

I don't think so.

Well, we do get new gadgets a lot.

I mean, that's how I got my iphone.

Oh, yeah. I love that stuff.

I have one too.

I'd really like to see some of your paintings sometime.

What? You're paintings.

I'd like to see them sometimes.

Oh, yeah.

No, that'd be great.

I gotta go now.

It's getting pretty late.

Oh, really?

Where's your place?

I'll walk you home.

Um, no thanks.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I don't really feel like walking.

I think I'm going to take a cab home.

OK, is it far I mean, I could ride with you.

It's pretty late. No, please, it's fine.

You think I could get your number?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I think I have a pen.

You know what?

I have a pen in my other purse.

You could text it to me.

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, didn't you say you had an iPhone?

No. No, no.

I meant I'm getting one.

My plans almost done on this one.

Oh, sorry. I guess I wasn’t listening. That's fine.

Thanks.

I think you're pretty cute, too, for the record, right?

What's this?

What? That thing under your shirt? This?

Oh, no, it's nothing. It's nothing.

What are you hurt or something?

No, it's not. I'm not hurt. I'm just.

No, I'm just. I was hurt recently, but it's.

Oh, my gosh.

It's I fell.

You fell? Fell off of what?

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. No, no, no, it's OK.

So, no, I'm sorry.

I'm being so rude. Don't worry.

You know, it's it's getting pretty late.

I should.

I should go now.

Oh, yeah.

No. OK.

You're a dick.

Dude.

Dude, you didn't tell me your mom was in porn bro.

I was videotaping your mom last night, man.

I'm sorry.

What was so funny right there?

No, that was just that was funny what you said.

Like, I didn't know your mom was in this like she's in porn.

You don't know my mom.

No, I know I don't. You're right.

That was just funny what you said.

Like, your mom's in porn.

That's funny. So I laughed.

I like your hat.

Ok, I'm going to need to see some IDs.

You know what?

This place sucks. Let's get out of here.

BYE.

Dye Dye Dye.

You just make friends all over the place, don't you?

I guess.

Well, it's obvious that you have a problem because everyone I've seen you piss off

is completely distinguished.

I don't know if you know this, but one of those kids out

there is in the running for a Nobel Prize.

Yeah, apparently he's just finished writing a collection of poetry, delicately

illustrating the question of whether Megan Fox is really hotter than Amanda Seyfred.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Except it's just dumb, because obviously, Megan Fox is hotter.

Have dinner with me.

Here?

As appealing as consuming food so close to the jack shak is...

I was thinking we could go out.

Well, I kind of work late.

What time you get out? 2 am?

Whoa. OK.

You're right.

That is late. Yeah.

People usually like to buy their porn late at night.

Yeah. That's true. Not that I would know.

Well, how about this?

I will cook dinner, and then when you get out at 2 a.m., you can come over and eat it.

You know what? My car like just died the other day.

I had to get it ride even here today.

But that's not a problem.

Do you want me to come pick you up?

Yeah, sure.

Great. Umm

I'll see you then.

Okey dokey.

See ya. Yeah.

Okey dokey.

shit. Mom.

Hey, mom, I don't need a ride tonight.

Thanks tho.

Oh, nice! 2 o'clock in the fucking morning.

The best you could do is you can't even call.

No, we can't call.

Emma?

Who is that?

That? That was a customer.

A customer? Yeah, I know.

We get, like, the weirdest people in here.

Now you're going to have a conversation oh, yeah.

Just go ahead.

Talk to each other. Fine. She looks really upset.

Because I don't have a life.

I'm pretty sure she's nuts.

She tried to steal, like, 40 DVDs by stuffing them down her nightgown, and I was like,

I see you doing that.

And she was like, What?

And I was like, I see you stuffing those DVDs down your nightgown.

And she was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And I was like, well, your stomach looks like a robots ass full of DVDs, right now.

And she was like, No way, your DVDs suck.

She tried to leave. What? Yeah, I know.

So, you know, naturally I followed her out to her car and I was like, hey, lady.

And she was like, What? And I was like, you can't take those.

And she was like, take what?

And I was like, uh, that robot's ass of 40 DVDs in your nightgown.

And she was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And I was like, Look, I'm...

I'm going to call the fucking cops. Are you serious?

I know.

So I was like, I'm going to call the cops.

And she was like, wait, hold on. And I was like, What?

And she was like, I, you know, maybe I did take some DVDs, and I was like, yeah, I know that

please give them back.

And she was like, OK, fine, I will.

Just don't call the cops. And I was like, fine, I won't.

How is that?

Can you see that one?

Could you not see the other one's nice conversation having a good time? Yes.

So am I. I love it here in the porn store parking lot at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Wait. Where are the DVDs?

The massive amount of DVDs she was trying to steal.

Where are they?

Yea, I wasn't done. Ok.

Sorry. Yea.

So after that, she was like, hold on.

And I was like, what?

And she was like, I you do you know what?

I think I want to buy these then.

And I was like, really? And she was like, Yeah, really?

And I was like, all of them.

And she was like, Yeah, all of them.

I want them all. They're so good.

And I was like, That's kind of a lot of porn.

And she was like.

Well, no, you know. It's not all for me.

I have a bunch of nephews and was like, That's a little weird.

And she was like, Well, you know, not really.

My family's pretty close like that. And I was like, oh, that's cool.

Sometimes I wish my family was like that, too.

And she was like, yeah, it's definitely like a pretty good way to be and I was like, yeah.

And so she was like, OK, here's your money.

And I was like, Thanks.

Sorry I followed you out here.

And she was like, Oh, don't worry about it happens all the time.

And I was like, Really?

Then I don't feel that bad then.

And she was like, Well, I'm glad.

And so then I was like, Enjoy your porns.

And she was like, I will.

And that's when you showed up.

So. Wow.

That's uh.

Wow. Yeah.

So yeah,

I'm going to go lock up. OK.

And put away all the money she just gave to me for the 40 porns.

OK, I'll just wait here. OK?

Nice place.

Oh dinner's through here. Ok.

You know I think I'd actually like to work in a porn store.

Just to see all the people that walk in there.

Yeah, trust me, that gets old after about, like, a year.

But still, it's got to be better than working in a cubicle, right?

I mean, I think so.

But I could give you a list of people who wouldn't agree.

You know, it's just...

you are so amazing to me.

You know, you work just about every day in that store

until two in the morning still find time to create these paintings

that sell for thousands of dollars.

It's amazing.

Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.

Sorry I'm dressed this way, I don't really bring normal clothes

with me to work.

You're going to ride the bus home in that?

Yeah.

I think it's funny.

You know, there's something weird

or different about you that I really like.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's,

it's it's kind of comforting.

Well, good.

I think it reminds me of my weird thing. Hmm.

OK, listen, there's something I got to tell you.

I feel like I haven't been completely honest and

I want to come clean before

things get too out of hand.

What's up?

Please don't be freaked out.

I can pretty much guarantee I won't be.

Listen, I'm just going to say it. OK?

I was born a female.

I was born a female.

But growing up, I always knew I was a man.

I'm ready to make the transition physically.

It's just I'm still saving up some money for the operations,

so I haven't gotten either done yet.

So you've been lying to me this whole time.

Yeah.

Yes, I guess I have.

Wait, so you don't mind?

No, I would?

No there's a zipper.

Where? It's in the back.

There's a zipper. It's in the front.

I don't want to leave.

Who said you had to leave.

No, I really don't want to leave.

I don't want you to leave either.

Oh, yeah.

Now I kinda really want you to leave.

What the fuck?

Oh shit right.

Something came up.

Someone came up.

Yep. Sorry.

OK.

I'm going to forget this ever happened, but only because you have probably one of the

shittiest, most pathetic lives I've ever seen.

My life being a close runner up.

OK.

OK.

What the fuck happened to the coffee machine?

How you doing?

You like Tila Tequila?

What?

You look like Tila Tequila.

Well, you look like Snooki.

No, I don't. Well, I don't look like Tila Tequila.

Yes, you do.

Well, then you look like Snooki.

No, I don't.

Oh well, thanks a lot.

Don't you have cartoons at your house?

I don't think you should be talking down to children, OK?

You all right, honey?

Yea I guess. Beech!

Oh yea, real classy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep walking.

I'm going to keep walking.

You keep walking. Mind your business.

Yeah, that's what you don't want to be when you grow up, OK?

A stupid nurse.

I won't.

I promise.

You better.

Emma?

Fuck off.

Emma?

Oh, shit sorry.

It's OK.

Were you just flipping off a little girl?

No. OK, you need a ride?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hop in.

I thought you were quitting? What?

Thought you were quitting.

If I were going to quit I wouldn't wear a slutty nurse costume.

No smoking.

It's pretty hard.

Hey, are you guys still open?

Hey, do you guys have double ended dildos here?

Hello.

Fuck!

EMMA! Huh? What the fuck are you doing here?

Do you work here?

And where the fuck have you been?

Hey, Alice, do they have them?

What the fuck?

Emma, what are you doing here?

Do you work here? Wait, Lacey.

How do you know Emma?

We used to date.

How do you know Emma?

We used to date.

What? When? Like, a week ago? No.

OK, well, technically, I didn't really date either one of you so.

What is wrong with you?

Baby, what's wrong with your face?

Well, fuck you too. No, you're burned.

What happened? This beech happened.

It wasn't on purpose.

Seriously fuck you.

Oh, oh.

Oh. Hey I just wondered if you needed a...

Emma?

What the fuck? Uh.

Do you want a ride or not?

Mom. Mom?

Your mom stole all the porn last night.

Porn? What the heck?

I'm her mother.

Oh, I honestly don't know. how this could get worse.

I'm going to kill you, you lying beech. Alice with the webbed toes.

What?

Yeah, that's what she does.

She sleeps with so many people

that she can't remember them all by name, so she has to add little endings.

Look, Aaron with the teeth, Alex with the nose,

Alexis with the thumbs, Alice with the webbed toes.

It goes on for miles.

Wait, stop.

Mason.

Seriously, stop.

Mason with the taped tits?

MasonI don't know what to...

Stop. Just stop.

I came here to take you to the art museum. Art?

I thought you were a drummer.

What are you talking about? She's a painter.

No, she said she was a waitress.

She told me she was a kindergarten teacher. Emma!

I'm going back out to the car.

I... You know what?

I don't even care anymore.

You're disgusting.

Were you ever going to tell me.

Which thing?

Everything!

I used to be a librarian at an elementary school.

I waited tables part time, then to earn more money.

I used to play drums in the marching band, and I do paint.

See you quit.

Yeah, it's pretty hard.

Stop.

Who are you?

Do you even know?

Didn't think so.

How can I?

You can help me by explaining how the ending of this movie works

Yeah, mom, I don't need a ride tonight.

Sorry. Thanks, though.

Emma, what the fuck?

I coulda stayed asleep!

Yeah, sorry.

Forgot.

For the love of fuck, when are you going to learn how to drive?

Emma.

Who is that?

That.

Oh, that's just a customer.

Customer?

That woman bought porn.

Yeah.

We got some weird people coming in here.

What do you mean?

I mean, the character doesn't go anywhere.

I don't.

You see, in a movie, a character overcomes things, changes for the better, and lives a better life.

But that doesn't happen to this character.

But that's not how life really... I realize

that's not how life is.

But that's how it works in the movies.

But that's just a porn.