Original subtitles

The Israelites, they wandered in the desert forty years And old Moses told the

children Brush away them tears Hey kids, this ain't no time for tears Children,

you've got to shear You've got to shear You've got to shear You've got to shear

You've got to shear a little hand Little children, you've got to shear You've got

to shear You've got to shear You've got to shear You've got to shear a little hand

David, he fought Goliath With nothing but a tiny stone Here we go.

My name is Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell and between the ages

of 8 and 17 years old, good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times.

Class, please welcome G.I.

Joe.

From Wichita to Berlin, nobody wanted to be friends with a new kid.

I think G.I.

Joe is cool.

Thanks.

There are a lot of different reasons why people become friends.

Because you have a lot in common or maybe because you

want something or because no one else will be your friend.

And that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz.

How rude of me.

Why?

We were complete opposites.

We became best friends.

My first dinner with the Lipschitz's, one word.

Why couldn't we have gone to China palace?

Jews.

Jenny, we've discussed this.

Your cholesterol is 272.

Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack by the time you're 50?

No.

But... Besides, I heard that they cook with the O-G.

Adam's mom took control of her men.

Now you're right, Arlene.

You're always right.

The baby just came.

I love you.

I love you.

Well, I love you more.

No, I love you more.

You just... Let's wait till later.

Oh, is that a threat or a promise?

It kind of freaked me out at first.

But I learned to love it.

Hi, my name's Suyeon.

You ready to order?

Stop staring at her, Adam.

That is rude.

You cute.

You stare all you like, little man.

You are not, and you will never be, her little man.

I never realized how different growing up Jewish was.

Where's my burger?

Betcha!

Until I hung out with the O'Connells.

I'm coming!

I'm sorry, the tots were frozen, and I had to wait for them to defrost.

And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce?

Huh?

One word?

Gentiles.

Oh, I got distracted waiting for my tots.

I'll go get it, don't you wretch.

Way back!

And he sees Chandler!

And the throw!

Heads up!

He's the underage!

Ah!

Touchdown!

Oh, what the hell?

That's a touchdown!

Tell you one thing.

There's nobody who called a better game than Coachella.

Boy, did he have him.

One heck of a beat.

Jew beat.

Talmud states that the first twelve years of a Jewish man's life all lead up to the

moment where he must transform himself from a boy to a man.

Adam mints lipshits.

That moment has arrived.

I'd never been to any Jew-y type of thing...

I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready to be a man, I'm not ready to be a man, I'm not ready!

I'm not ready!

I'm not ready to be a man!

And your fault.

I'm not ready!

I'm not ready!

What the hell was that?

We're Mrs. Rock!

Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.

Nobody calls me G.I.

Joe.

My mom told me that if your hand touches poo, you can get psoriasis.

Yeah, whatever.

Launch sequence activated.

Three... two... one...

Commence fire!

Mission Abort!

Mission Abort!

It might look like I'm having a seizure.

I'm not.

This is a panic attack.

It's hereditary.

Get up, Richard!

Get up!

I can't, Chris!

Go out without me!

No!

Get up!

Do either of you know what time it is?

3.07 a.m., sir.

And what do I like to do at 3.07 a.m.?

Sleep, sir.

Apparently the two of you don't.

You two would rather be launching...

bags of feces?

I need to work with you in private.

Feces?

In here.

You see, my son would have executed like a real marine...

if it hadn't been for private libshits...

who had a brain fart.

He screwed up the entire operation.

Now what the heck kind of a weird shit is that?

It's a pomo machine.

English!

It's for his asthma.

So your boy, he's got a fake disease?

I bet you make him wear a seatbelt, too.

How is your boy still alive?

Seriously, how?

All I can say is...

I thank God and Uncle Sam...

that I have been re-stationed.

Schmuck.

Come on, Christian.

Let's move.

Come on!

Where are we moving to, Dad?

Camp Blue Jeans, South Carolina.

But I don't want to move again.

Dad, I like it here.

You like it here?

You're gonna love it there.

Adam's the best friend I've ever had.

Come on, Chris.

Chris is the best friend that I've ever had.

Move.

Adam and I lost touch.

He was the only Jew I ever knew.

But then... college.

Could you maybe not mix the potassium permanganate and glycerol?

I prefer to not explode before graduation.

Here.

Use the hydrazine.

Thanks.

Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zachava.

Ogan.

You know, me and you have really good chemistry.

And just like that, all of my decisions went away.

Oh, I'm gonna have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.

No, you won't.

I didn't have to decide what to eat.

Surprise?

What?

I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.

And I definitely didn't decide who my friends were gonna be.

I'm sorry, dudes.

But Chris's GPA has dropped over the past two

quarters, so he will no longer be hosting Poker Night.

It's a surprise.

This is Vance VanVanderson.

I'm comin' to you live from the University of Colorado.

Graduation day!

I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-head.

Her name is Rebecca Ogan.

Say hi for the audience, Rebecca.

Hi.

Wow.

Now, Rebecca has just informed me that she is not

wearing anything underneath her graduation gown.

Is that true, Rebecca?

That is true, Vance.

And I dare you to get a close up.

Stop.

Stop.

Get out!

I know, it's so beautiful.

I found this beautiful little pink box.

You're disgusting.

No, look, really.

Marry me, Rebecca.

Uh, Christian, look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together,

but we're entering the real world now, and in the real world, this can't work.

Why not?

Because you're not Jewish.

Wait, what are you saying?

It's over, Christian.

And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber still crying over his college girlfriend.

I miss Beck Beck.

Okay, I located valve one.

70 pounds of pressure rising.

Over.

Okay, located the septic tank.

Looking at 85 bars and rising.

Over.

Are you there, boss?

Over.

Yeah, guys, I'm here.

Sorry.

Sorry.

And did you find the gas line?

Yeah, got it.

And the septic shutoff line?

I got it, too.

Okay, boss.

We're going to shut them both down, okay?

Tres, dos, shut up!

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I don't know what happened.

I must have spaced out.

It's cool, boss.

No worries.

I space out, too, sometimes.

But if it was my responsibility to turn off the gas and sewer lines to protect the

lives of my loyal, hardworking, underpaid employees next to a leaking

septic tank with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage, I would not fucking space out!

Sir, what did you say I spaced out?

Ay, madre de Dios!

Que es eso?

What is that?

What?

Que es eso?

Que?

Of course!

What was I thinking coming to work with you today?

It's May 25th!

25 de Mayo?

No, pendejo.

May 25th is the day that this chica Rebecca dumped him nine years ago.

Wasn't that the day last year your boss fixed the toilet in the men's room?

I accidentally emptied it up to the hot water.

Boiling toilet tank!

Boss, I love that day, man.

I went to pick a crap and the toilet exploded!

I still have porcelain in my ass!

Look, boss, me and Juan, we love you, okay?

But we are getting tired of risking our lives for this puta!

Look, just do us both a favor.

Go out there and find yourself another puta and move on with your life!

You get on with your life, you putos!

I already said that!

Boss, can I go to the bathroom?

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever dreamed of having your nickname embroidered on your favorite undies?

What about your gang name on your baseball cap?

Mark 40, mm, manatee, uh-huh, Goldy Tooth!

Then come on down to the Embroidery Palace.

Where our royal family has provided the

highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years!

No booty too big!

No booty too small!

Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all!

What the hell?!

Oh, damn it!

Sorry, I told her not to call again.

Could you be any more pussy-whipped?

Rew!

Psh!

Yeah, what now?

And here I am, stuck working for the family business and engaged to Hannah Daniels.

This is her 13th call.

Yes, I'm available after 3 tomorrow.

Why?

What?

No!

Why would we have a preschool interview?

That doesn't make any sense.

You're not even pregnant yet.

No, Hannah's smart to interview you now.

It's very hard to get into a good preschool.

This commercial is costing me an assload.

Get off the phone!

Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Yes, I love you.

Bye.

What is that?

What?

You have a massive blackhead on your forehead.

Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?

Ew!

Do you want people to change the channel during our commercial?

Would you prefer our family go broke?

Oh, Mom, no!

Come on, Mom!

No, stop moving.

Dennis, get me my safety pin.

No, not the safety pin!

Come on!

It's 5 o'clock.

I have to go meet Brianna.

Well, Brianna's just gonna have to wait.

Hold his head.

Well, you know what?

If my brother wasn't such a douche and his psycho fiancé

wasn't calling him every two minutes... She is not a psycho!

She's the best thing that ever happened to your brother.

I'm not a douche!

Ow!

I got it!

I got it!

What the hell?

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

What's... What's going on here?

Hannah!

Hannah!

Oh, fuck me!

A jackhammer?

Come on!

Hannah!

Not a bother at all, Mrs. Neiman.

You can always call me at home when there's a problem.

Why do you think I was ranked number one

gynecologist by CityQuest three years in a row?

Just remember, no matter how much it might itch, I don't want you to scratch it.

Okay, bye.

Stupid bitch.

Oh, hey!

I didn't hear you sneak in.

Oh, probably because of the jackhammer that's outside.

How'd the rest of the commercial shoot go?

Fine.

What the hell is going on around here?

They're starting construction on the baby's room.

Isn't it exciting?

Honey, I know that you want to have a baby so bad, and so do I in the future,

but there is no baby to build a room for yet.

There's not even a fetus to build a room for yet.

But it can take up to 18 months to complete construction on the Series 6 BPBC.

I'm sorry, BPBC?

Baby Protection Bed Chamber.

Oh, God.

You enter here through the antibacterial wash

chamber to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.

Once inside, you'll be surrounded by fire-retardant Jungle Book wallpaper,

a six-inch thick bullet and germ-proof baby encasement unit, 24-hour

closed-circuit video surveillance, life-size parental control reinforcements,

anthrax detector, radon detector, carbon monoxide detector, smoke detector,

and faulty detector detector, and a panic room.

And what is this?

For an extra 30 grand, they can install an underground escape

tunnel just in case a panic room gets overrun by terrorists.

Terrorists?

Terrorists.

Well, thank God that's optional.

Oh, I'll be exercising that option.

We're really going together.

You know what I mean.

We're two of a team.

Working in three.

And then it hit me harder than Dale Earnhardt hitting that wall.

Rest in peace.

The guys were right.

I needed to find another one.

Oh,.

How you doing?

Hey, I'm Christian.

Apparently.

Hey, you remember when Chaney shotgunned that old guy in the face back in 06?

I mean, I felt bad for him, didn't you?

Hey, so you've been a Jew your whole life?

Yeah.

A lot of hot Jew pussy in here.

Hey, am I right?

Oh, no.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

That's a very nice getup.

Where did you get that stuff?

Thanks.

I'm glad you're having a good time.

It's mine.

You like it?

It's hysterical.

Really?

And I'm really glad to see that you have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Oh, hey, well, thanks.

So, how did it go in there?

Bad.

But I don't think the girls around here like a guy like me.

Well, that's crazy.

I mean, what girl here wouldn't be interested in a

really cute Jewish guy with a whacked out sense of humor?

So, you come to these things often?

Only the ones that my mother organizes.

Your mother?

She organizes?

Yeah, and if I didn't show up, I would never hear the end of it.

You know how that is.

Yeah, I know how that is.

You should take my number.

For what?

To call me.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Five missed calls.

I never even heard the phone ring.

Pinn Mobile.

Well, that's your problem right there.

Pinn Mobile has the least amount of coverage in LA

County and the most dropped calls of any network.

You should switch to AT&T Nation 900 with unlimited mobile-to-mobile.

Thanks.

Allison.

Allison Marks.

And you are?

Rosenberg.

V.

Rosenberg.

Man, you do not look Jewish.

Really?

You know, I have gotten that.

I'm going to head back in.

Okay.

Avi.

Rosenberg.

I'm going to head back in.

Okay.

Bye.

Are you fucking loco, boss?

Jew, no Jew!

I know I'm not a Jew.

She's just like Rebecca.

I don't know why I said it.

It just came out, alright?

Well, maybe you should just tell her the truth.

No, I'm not going to tell her the truth.

I'm not going to tell her the truth because the she's never going to date me

and just gonna keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out.

Okay.

I don't care how big her tits are.

But, I mean they're pretty good.

Are you stupid?

Just because you say you're a Jew does not make you want-No.

You don't know what I was thinking.

Hey, you know, boss, Jesus was a Jew.

Why don't you just tell her you're Jesus?

Huh?

De nada.

Where our royal family has provided the

highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.

Adam Lipschitz!

This had to be a sign.

No booty too big, no booty too small.

Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all.

A Jewish sign.

Alright.

I want everybody to close your eyes and forget everything you think you know.

About embroidery.

Because starting next Tuesday, the Embroidery

Palace will be in possession of this bad boy!

Behold!

The Modern Revolution 3070!

Okay.

On to the next piece of business.

Which is our monthly corporate account review.

Jilly Bean, can you pass out the account review books please?

Now as you all know, the Handlebar Coffee Company has

been our largest corporate client for the past ten years.

They notified me this morning that from this day forward,

they will be taking their business elsewhere due to this.

Adam, do you have any idea how this could have happened?

What's up, Dad?

Adam!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

I can't believe that I did that.

But I'm under a lot of pressure with this whole wedding thing.

I got, I got Hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow.

It's... I must have forgotten to double check the sample.

You should fire the Prince, Dad.

Oh, I'd like to chop off the Prince's head.

But then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne!

Paging Prince Adam.

There's a Mr. Christian O'Connell here to see you.

Christian O'Connell?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come back here.

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?

Yeah!

You tell some girl your name is Avi Rosenberg, and now you show up after 17

years so that I can teach you how to be a Jew so you can duper?

Yeah.

Have you lost your mind?

Listen, I've been dumped by a Jew before.

I'm not letting it happen again.

It's not pretty, man.

Alright, why me?

Because other than Rebecca Ogun, you're the only Jew I know.

Now, come on, man.

I need you.

You gotta teach me how to pass myself off as one of you guys.

Well, why do you want to marry a Jew so badly?

Because I never want to make another decision for as long as I live.

Wow.

That's mildly offensive.

You know that?

Yes.

But true.

Okay.

I got it.

Tell her the truth.

And then convert for her.

No.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Listen to me.

Alison Marks is not going to settle for imitation Jew.

She can have the real deal.

Now, come on, Adam.

Just help me.

I'm sorry.

Did you say her name was Alison Marks?

Yeah.

Alison Marks.

Why?

I went to Sunday school with an Alison Marks.

Okay.

Did she tell you what her family did?

Her family?

Her mother organized the mixer.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You know them, don't you?

Do you know them?

Yeah.

You could say that.

What?

Oh.

Oh, I know.

I know.

But listen.

Listen.

Chris, this is, you know, this is great seeing you again.

I know.

You look awesome.

And I love that you, you know, are seeing what I'm doing here.

But I got a lot of shit going on right now.

And my sort of, my world's flipped upside down

with the wedding and we're looking for preschools.

Preschools?

Building a safe room for the baby.

Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me you had a baby.

Yeah.

I don't.

Oh.

It's complicated.

Sounds it.

Chris, I don't think I'm the guy for this adventure.

Okay.

I understand.

Yeah.

Well, um, you know, for whatever it's worth, I'm glad I tracked you down.

No.

It's great to see you.

So maybe we'll do some lunch.

We'll catch up.

I would love to do some lunch.

Yeah.

That'd be fun.

I'm gonna be up at my parents' ranch for the weekend.

So, but here's my business card.

Oh.

Thanks.

I don't have a... Maybe we'll get a... Well, here.

Coffee.

Take this.

Embroidery Palace.

It's nice yellow.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Don't take this the wrong way, Hannah.

But what led you to diagnose it as vaginitis?

Well, Dad, she was experiencing itching, irritation, abnormal discharge,

and pain during intercourse.

All the basic symptoms.

Yes.

Those are the basic symptoms of vaginitis.

But did you also take into consideration they could indicate vulvitis?

Yes, Dad.

But I ruled out vulvitis because her vulva was not inflamed.

No need to get defensive, sweetie.

You're probably right with your diagnosis.

It's just that when I was a young gynecologist, I once

diagnosed a patient with vaginitis when they had vulvitis.

You know what?

It might have even been bacterial vaginosis.

It was not bacterial vaginosis because there was no grade discharge.

With my 25 years of practice, I have seen many

cases of vaginosis with no grade discharge.

Would you back me up on that, Bruce, please?

Your mother's right, sweetie.

We've been doing this a few more years than you, and sometimes even we can't

distinguish between vaginosis, vaginitis, or vulvitis.

Lots, honey.

Cottage cheese?

Okay, excuse me.

I'm just gonna use the bathroom.

I'll be back.

Hold it a bit.

Why don't you and the ladies hand out some eggnog?

All right.

Thanks, Mom.

Nog, baby.

Damn right.

Nog, baby.

Second that.

Oh, Mama, that is some eggnog.

Oh, son.

Why is it that you haven't found yourself a good woman yet?

Huh?

Someone to take care of you?

Serve you nog?

You two, take a knee.

Why do you always have to fight over...

Who's gonna pull the rector?

You know, that's not what hunting is all about.

Hunting is about the family.

It's about teamwork.

It's about finding peace.

Hello.

That night, when we were TPing Tim Baker's house, and

I had one of my attacks, and I tripped and fell...

You could have left me there.

And saved yourself.

So rude!

Okay, one second.

Just...

But you didn't.

Because you were my best friend.

And best friends are always there for each other.

Move!

Fuck yeah!

Beauty, ain't he?

Spent the extra grand for the glass eyes, but they

threw in the matte-finished horn sheen package.

Hey, do you like where I put him?

Because I was thinking maybe, I mean, I could

put him between the bass and the boar's ass.

The plan was to remove all traces of Gentile from Chris.

Which turned out to be a very big task.

I don't get why I have to sell my truck.

Because Volvos are practical, and they're safe, and Jewish girls love them.

But I'm never gonna be able to fit my kill into a Volvo.

That's why you're selling the moose head.

Alright, 200 it is.

Deal.

Alright.

I'll take that with you.

You never know.

Let him take it.

Chris, let him take it!

I'm giving it to him.

Oh, no you're not.

You're holding on to it.

I pulled a rectum out of that.

Alright.

That's inappropriate.

I...

No!

Stop it!

So, uh, you think I'm gonna be ready for tomorrow night?

Just do what I said, and you'll be fine.

Tell me again why I'm doing this.

Because the law states that you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you've

desecrated your body with tattoos, markings, or piercings.

Well, that's stupid.

You're dead already.

Who cares?

Well, it doesn't matter.

It's the law.

Have you been taken care of down there?

Down where?

Have you been circumcised?

Sorry.

No!

Are you kidding me?

My family's not into the whole choppy cock at birth thing.

Besides, it's not that noticeable.

No, it is noticeable.

No, it's not.

Mine looks normal, and yours looks like an anteater.

What is normal?

Like this.

Do you want that in your face?

Get the fuck out of here, man.

Sorry.

Sorry.

If Chris was going to stand a chance with Allison,

he needed a crash course in the way of the Jew.

Now, I'm your date, and I need you to give me seven Yiddish

words that you will casually slip into the conversation.

Go.

Goyim.

The second the waiter approaches, what do you do?

Oh, uh, I'm feeling a bit of a draft.

Would it be all right if we moved to another table?

Schwitz.

Good.

Now, you've been relocated to the new table.

And what?

What do you do?

Oh, could you please turn down that loud music?

Kvetch.

All right.

Now, we're on to the ordering process.

Now, you have to remember that as a Jew, you have to take

something on the menu and alter it beyond all recognition.

All right?

Okay.

Practice.

Would it be too much trouble to change that side salad to an entree?

And would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?

Nosh.

Uh, can I have that on the side?

Popik.

No.

Oh, okay.

But dinner comes.

Oh, okay.

The salad is exactly how you ordered it.

Right?

Right.

Take one bite and you...

Send it back.

Yes!

You send that shit back.

We never eat what we order.

Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

You ready?

I think so.

You remember everything?

I don't know.

Let's take a walk with it then.

Hi.

Hi.

Nice Volvo.

Thanks.

I just got it.

Oh, I got mine last year.

You know what?

Volvos are the safest cars in the world, and they last forever.

Yeah.

No NASCAR get-up tonight?

NASCAR?

Why?

Oh, yeah, no, uh, yeah, I was gonna wear it tonight.

But, uh, the dry-cleaner has it, so...

So, where are you taking me?

Well, I thought that we could...

Because I didn't know what you were thinking, so I

made reservations for 7 o 'clock near First and Hope.

It's near the Music Hall.

Yeah, sure.

And I don't know if you like jazz, but Smokey Joe Jefferson

is playing at the Fedora tonight, so I got his tickets.

That sounds great.

Great.

Well, the Music Hall is on Grand and Figueroa, and I checked traffic.

The 101 is closed between Barham and Highland, so you're probably gonna want to

take Fountain to La Cienega, to the 10, to

the 110 North, and then get off on Figueroa.

Put on your seatbelt.

So, after I graduated from Penn, I traveled everywhere.

Started with Southeast Asia, went to Thailand, Cambodia, Burma.

I even lived in India for a month with the Untouchables.

Oh, I love that movie.

Sean Connery.

Sean Connery is great in it.

So, then after I volunteered as an AIDS relief worker in the Sudan, I just felt

like I needed to use my finance degree to help

people in third world countries relieve their debt.

So, that's how I started working for the IDRF.

Wow.

And what about you, Avi?

What's it like to be a doctor?

Oh, uh, well...

Yeah, the hours are crazy.

And I'm on call 24-7 for emergencies, and

unfortunately you have to deal with a lot of...

crap.

But, at the end of the day, like you, I love

helping people when their plumbing gets backed up.

Bonjour.

My name is Claude.

I will be your server this evening.

Ah, yes, Claude.

I'm feeling a bit of a draft here.

Do you mind if we move to another table?

Hm.

Oof.

Claude, would you mind turning down the loud music?

And turning up?

Turn up the lights.

It's so dark in here, I don't think I'd be able to read the menu.

It would be my pleasure, sir.

But in the meantime, let me tell you about our specials.

For an appetizer, we have a scrumptious salad with gorgonzola, candied walnuts,

pears, cranberries, and a honey Dijon vinaigrette.

To die for.

Would it be possible to change that appetizer salad to an entree?

And could you substitute feta for gorgonzola, pecans instead of walnuts,

apples instead of pears, and cranberries instead of raisins?

And the honey Dijon vinaigrette.

Can you put it on the side, please?

Anything else, sir?

Yes, and I hope this isn't too much trouble, but

would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?

And for madame?

That sounds great.

Avi, I'll have the same thing.

Yeah.

Of course.

Thanks, Minch.

So, did you always want to be a doctor?

No.

You know, being Jewish, I only had a few options.

Become a doctor, become a lawyer.

Become a banker, manipulate the economy.

Go into publishing, manipulate the media.

God, you are too much.

You're so cute.

Turn your head for a second.

Did you get a nose job?

No.

Are you kidding me?

That's your real nose?

That's the hottest little Jew.

Jew beak ever.

And pour mademoiselle.

Mmm.

That looks good.

And pour monsieur.

Thank you, Claude.

This looks really good.

No.

Oh, I got it.

I'm sorry.

I got to send that back.

No, no, no, no.

Here you go.

Thanks, Mitch.

Oh.

And did they turn up the heat in here or what?

I am starting to schwitz.

Yeah, we should probably go if we're going to make it on time.

Oh, yeah.

Can't wait.

I'm going to take this check here.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, let me just get Claude over here for a second.

See if I can't Jew him down on the check.

Hey, are you all right?

You seem a little, you know, quiet.

No, I'm fine.

Yeah?

You know, Alison, I, um...

I mean, I shouldn't even be saying this.

It's our first date.

But I really like you.

You know, so if I seem weird or awkward or...

That's why.

I just hope that this is the first date of many more to come.

Oh, damn.

Damn.

Nobody plays jazz better than the Svartzas.

L'chaim.

Okay.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Okay.

What's taking so long?

Sorry.

Sorry.

I have all the time.

All manscaped.

Trimmed to an eighth of an inch, just how you like it.

Like a prepubescent boy down there.

It's so exciting.

Oh.

Okay.

Love you.

Good night.

What are you doing?

Aren't we gonna try and make a baby?

I just... I've had such a long day at work and...

Do you mind if we just, you know, skip the baby making?

No, we can't skip it.

It's my most fertile time of the month.

Okay.

Now, make me a baby.

Oh.

Oh.

All right.

I guess I could find some energy.

Whoa.

Why aren't you hard?

What?

What?

It was like three seconds.

Do you want my hair down?

No.

Babe, it's not... It's not you.

It's... It's me.

It's him.

I mean, we had sex last night and this morning and on your lunch break.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think that I'm sexed out.

What?

What?

You think it's ugly.

I think what's ugly?

It's okay.

It's fine.

I see a hundred of them a day.

I know it's ugly.

Oh, no, no.

I think... No, I don't think that's ugly at all.

I think it's beautiful.

And why don't you ever go down on me?

Because I...

I can't get you pregnant like that.

Oh, now you're just making excuses.

I am not.

I... Okay, fine.

You want me to go down on you?

I'll go down on you.

I'm happy to go down on you.

Good.

It's part of my manly duty.

Yes.

I love it.

Yummy.

I want it.

Here we go.

Go.

It's going to happen.

Oh, my God.

What?

I knew it.

What's wrong?

I was going to make a baby with my mouth.

What happened?

You turned off the light.

I...

Well, it was bright in here.

And we were going to bed.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry.

Oh, leave me and my ugly vagina alone.

No.

Open the door.

Honey.

Oh, my God.

It's ugly.

It's not your vagina.

It's all vaginas.

What side of the family is this, bro?

Hey, you've reached Allison Marks.

You know what to do.

So, do it.

Hey, Allison.

It's Avi here.

I just wanted to tell you I had a great time with

you last night and can't wait to do it again.

So, you've got the number.

Call me.

Bye.

Hey, you've reached Allison Marks.

You know what to do.

So, do it.

Hey, Allison.

Where's my Jap at?

Where's my Jap?

Avi here.

I didn't hear back from you yesterday.

But I'm sure you were just busy.

Me too.

A long day of surgery at the hospital.

So, I'm driving home now.

Thought I'd double up, give you a call.

So, you've got the number.

Call me back.

Bye.

Bye.

You know what to do.

So, do it.

Hey, Allison.

It's Avi.

I don't know why you're not calling me back.

I thought we had a really great time the other night.

And, um, you know, I thought we had a real connection.

Boss!

Boss!

We need your help!

Me and Juan have been in Mrs. Waziski's all day.

Boss, we can't get the shit out of her pipes!

Yeah, see?

Thank you, Drs.

Juan and Ramon.

I will be to surgery in just a second.

Boss, I don't know what this lady ate, but I've

never seen so much crap backed up in my life!

Avi?

Allison, hi!

Do you want me to get a restraining order?

Stop calling me.

Oh, look at this one.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, God, a little warning, please.

What is that, a before and after photo?

Yes, isn't it amazing?

It's hard to believe it's the same vagina.

Which one's your favorite?

I don't know.

You're the one who's going to have to look at it for the rest of your life.

So, come on, pick.

Do you like this one?

Um, maybe the pear blossom?

Or the gentle tulip?

Really, honey?

Yeah.

You like the pear blossom?

Well, that's the cheapest one.

There's nothing to it.

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

All right, relax, relax.

What's going on?

No, I can't meet you right now.

I'm...

I'm in the middle of something.

Relax and...

You know what?

Yes, I can.

Yes, I can.

Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.

All right.

Babe, I'm so sorry.

I have to go.

What do you mean you have to go?

A friend has an emergency and I gotta go meet him.

Who?

What friend?

He's a friend from grade school.

I gotta go.

You can't leave.

Why can't I leave?

I don't know which one to get.

Just get one of them, right?

I mean, like, it's not that big of a deal, you know?

It's a big deal.

This is for you.

It can't be that... I understand.

It's not that hard.

Just go through it.

The gentle tulip.

Midnight rain.

I don't like that one.

Calla lily breeze.

La petite canyon.

Ooh, stay away from Venus flytrap.

That looks like a... like a limp starfish.

And I don't want to be looking at that when I'm doing wonderful things to it.

I love you.

Okay.

Pick whatever you want.

Any price.

Kiss me.

It's like my mom's.

Wait, wait, wait.

She said stop calling me?

No, no, no.

She said if you call me again, I'm gonna get a restraining order.

This is the special kind of woman to dance naked at 10 a.m.

Give it up for Crystal!

Hey, when you sat down at the restaurant, did you complain there was a draft?

Ooh, three times!

Did you talk to her and tell her to turn down the loud music?

And turn the lights up.

Yes.

And you took something on the menu and altered it beyond all recognition?

I changed everything.

I put salmon on it.

I sent it back.

Jewel.

Carpet.

Carla.

Clap dances.

I did everything that you told me to do.

What went wrong?

Did you throw in some Yiddish?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I told her that my puppet was stuffed from the noshing and that I was schvitzing.

And I told Smokey Joe Jefferson nobody plays jazz better than the schwarzas.

What?

You called him a schwarza?

Yeah, right to his face.

No.

Wait, is that bad?

Yeah, that's bad.

Why didn't you teach me that?

Okay, I'm sorry.

That's only a Jew to Jew thing, not a Jew to them thing.

What the hell else did you say?

I said that she was the prettiest Jap that I'd ever met.

And that she had the cutest little Jew beak I'd ever seen.

And I asked the waiter if I could Jew him down on the jack.

Does any of this sound good?

Wait, I used to say that kind of stuff to Rebecca Hogan all the time.

Yeah, but she knew that you were joking.

That's different.

Jews don't talk to each other like that.

No, no, we don't.

Over.

It's done, alright?

No, it's not done.

You got me in this, you're gonna get me out of it.

No, I'm out.

You are in.

I'm out.

Oh, you are in.

Oh, you are in, yes.

Son of a bitch.

Marcy Marks.

President of Temple Beth Jacobs.

Wife of my rabbi and Allison's mother.

She was also the principal of my Hebrew school.

From what I know, no man has ever been good enough for Allison.

But if you can get that woman's seal of approval, you might have a second chance.

I'll never forget the day I met her.

Need some help?

You touch my daughter and I'll wear your balls as earrings.

I feel it, I feel it.

You have got to be kidding me.

Shlomi and I don't stand a chance.

Honey, would you grab my stuff back there?

Yes, yes.

Thanks.

Now I'm telling you, the Fleischmans are unbeatable.

Yes, goodbye.

Oh, honey, have you tried this caramel apple skin cappuccino?

It is to die for.

Fleischman.

I want to get me one of those caramel apple skin cappuccinos.

Mom, I'm fine.

The earthquake was all the way in Death Valley.

I live in Los Angeles.

What do you mean I sound sick?

I'm not sick.

What do you mean I sound sick?

I'm not sick.

Yes, if you send me multivitamins, I will take them.

Good, good.

Now tell me you love me.

Huh?

Every time we get off the phone with each other, we have to say I love you.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Just do it.

I love you, Mom.

Perfect.

I'll call you in two minutes.

Okay, bye.

Sorry, that was my mom.

Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue with the interview?

Oh, yes, please.

Do you like cappuccino?

Because I was just at Handelbar Coffee, and they screwed up my order.

I like caramel apple cappuccino.

They gave me a caramel apple skin cappuccino.

Hmm.

Sure, why not?

Huh.

Great.

Okay, you are single, 31 years old, unmarried, no children.

No, why?

Well, then why aren't you married?

Believe me, Mrs. Marks, there is nothing wrong.

There's nothing that I would like more than to find a special young lady who

shares my values and my beliefs.

As a matter of fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I was here at the mixer.

I met a wonderful girl.

We went out.

We had a wonderful first date.

I never heard from her again.

Yes, well, finding that special someone is never easy, Doctor.

Ah, and especially for me.

I just, you know, moved here from Skokie.

And I'm busy with my practice, of course, and volunteering for Hadassah, like I do.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Yes, Mom?

Colonoscopy?

Yes, I had my colonoscopy.

Fiber?

I do get plenty of fiber.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I have to go, okay?

I do.

I love you.

I love the way you wake up in the morning,

and you're just always so fresh and bubbly.

And then the sunlight comes in.

Too much!

Too much!

Okay, I'm going to hang up.

Bye.

Okay.

Sorry, that was my mom again.

I must say that I find this very unusual.

That a young, attractive, single doctor would walk in here by you, by himself,

wanting to join this temple.

Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?

Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years, the rate of interfaith marriage

amongst our people has risen from 7 to 40%?

According to the AJC, by the year 2050, our

people are going to be completely wiped out.

Now, I'm just one man.

I can't stop it myself.

But I'm not going to sit here on the sidelines and watch it happen.

That's what's going on.

All right, I'll be right there.

All right, all right.

So you're in?

Oh yeah, I'm in.

She's putty.

Still going down Saturday, right?

That's the plan.

You mastered duplicate bridge yet?

And rubber.

That shit rakes.

You guys really eat that?

The filter fish is mandatory.

All right, I'm going to put it in this drawer.

Don't take it out till Saturday.

So good to see you.

Plenty of room over there.

You guys, I want you to keep eyes forward and pay attention.

Understood?

Marcy.

Well, Avi, what a nice surprise.

Surprise?

I'm a new member here.

You think I'm going to miss my first Saturday morning service?

Great to have you.

Thank you.

It's a beautiful purse.

Orient, honey.

Winter 2012.

Really?

I coveted this bag.

And I got it.

There's something about this that just...

Wish me luck, lollipop.

Honey, honey, you are going to need it.

Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.

This is our newest member.

I was telling you about Avi.

Hi, I'm Avi Rosenberg.

Welcome to Beth Jacob, Avi.

Thank you, Rabbi.

Has Marcy warned you about our little penis club?

Oh, no.

Uh, penis club?

Eighteen years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz had a panic attack during his

bar mitzvah, dropped his trousers, and exposed himself to the congregation.

That's messed up.

Oh, it is messed up, Avi.

What's even more messed up is that to this day, Adam's lewd act has become the rite

of passage for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.

In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 19...

1993.

Who hasn't shown his penis to the entire congregation?

I've tried everything.

They won't stop.

I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.

So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi, this ain't the temple for you.

He gets excited.

Avi, Shlomi and I are so embarrassed that on your very first Saturday morning

service with us, you had to see... genitals.

And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple has a penis...

won't make you consider joining elsewhere.

Not at all.

Not at all.

What was the name of the young man who started it all?

Adam Lipschitz?

Lipschitz.

I hope I don't run into him.

Yes, don't we all.

I've seen enough.

What a freak.

Excuse me, Rabbi.

Would you like some fish?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Uh, hymen.

Thank you.

Oy.

Wow.

I have to say, our people have invented a lot of

lousy food, but gefilte fish might be the worst.

My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Two bites.

Wham.

Bam.

Done.

Ah.

Shlomi, honey, are you all right?

Go away.

Damn it, Shlomo.

I am coming in there.

No, you don't want to see this.

It'll change you.

It changed me.

I'm shitting relatives.

Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, Cupcake, but I

think I'm going to have to bow out of the tournament.

No.

No.

No, no, no, no, Shlomo.

You are not doing any such thing.

Now, this is the finals.

If we have to take some sort of slop bucket, then so be it.

I'm sorry, Lollipop.

Well, we'll just have to wait another year to beat those damn Fleischters.

Darn it.

What tournament?

What tournament?

It is the NBLA Regionals.

We are in the finals.

It starts in three hours.

Ah.

But, well, I guess that I won't be going this year.

I play bridge.

Dear God, all I do is play.

I wish I could help you.

I want to thank all of you for taking part in what is

the world's greatest sporting event, Duplicate Bridge.

Give me a four of diamonds.

Four of diamonds.

Give me an eight of clubs.

The eight of clubs.

Give me an ace of spades.

Ace of spades.

What's that spell?

Bridge!

Bitches!

Jack Trump in your face!

We have a two-way tie.

That means sudden death.

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

You've all been briefed on the rules.

Three boards.

Two out of three wins.

Let's keep it clean.

Begin!

Yes!

Rosenberg-Martins.

They won nothing.

They're freaking me out a little bit.

Just pay no attention to them.

I've been playing with them for years.

It's disturbing.

You can do this, right?

Trust me.

It's over.

Trump!

What?

Trump, baby!

It's called Trump!

It's called Trump!

It's not Trump!

You did it!

All the big winners over here.

We beat the Flashmans.

I beat the Flashmans.

We beat the Flashman.

Oh, you are amazing.

We did it.

You ate so much.

Yeah!

It was photographic.

Oh, Obbie!

Honey, did you see us?

I didn't see that.

Obbie, you did it.

Hey, what are you doing here?

What, you two know each other?

Yeah, this is the girl I told you about.

We went on a date, she never called me back.

How do you two know each other?

That's my daughter.

What?

Your daughter?

Mom, can I talk to you just for a second?

I met that guy at your last mixer.

We went on a date and he ended up being one of the strangest guys I've ever met.

How can you possibly say that?

I think he is wonderful.

He asked our waiter if he could chew him down on the

check and then he said that I had a cute little jupeek.

Oh, oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.

He's very funny.

Really?

Okay.

Well, then we went to a jazz club and he stood up in front of

everyone and said that Smokey Joe Jefferson was a schwarza.

Well, he is one, isn't he?

He is a psycho.

I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?

Oh, please.

Now, come on.

I mean, the man is a doctor.

It's not like he has time to stalk.

No, obviously this is some sort of crazy coincidence that, you know, it's...

Now, wait a minute.

Actually, I-I don't...

I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.

No, I think that this just might be fate trying to get you two together.

Wow.

I have never heard you like this.

All right, Alison, darling, listen to me.

Now, you are 27 years old.

And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?

No.

And why is that?

Because I have never felt that anyone was good enough for you.

Until now.

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

What are you doing?

What?

I told you to let me get to the altar, look at me for 15 seconds,

let the tension build, and then slowly pull my veil back.

And where is the rabbi?

Can somebody get him off the shitter?

Okay, fine, whatever.

Let's just keep going.

No, we can't keep going.

We have to keep doing it till we get it right.

Adam, your timing was way off.

I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.

Yeah, that's the least of our problems.

You didn't even have tears in your eyes when you lifted up the veil.

It's a rehearsal.

Who cares if it's a rehearsal?

Don't you love my job?

You love my daughter so much that you tear up every time you see her?

I can't believe you're being so insensitive.

Don't you know that she is still recovering from her surgery?

Oh, by the way, Hannah has your new vag.

Jill, stop talking about Hannah's vagina.

Less ugly?

Dad asked that.

What?

Pokey-poo, the Daniels are right.

You really need to take this a little bit more seriously because

we only have three more rehearsals left till the wedding.

Megan, sweetie, your pedal throwing's got a little bit sloppy and unfocused.

Remember, it's three pedals per step.

Screw it up again and you're both out.

Okay, so let's take it from the poems.

What?

The poems?

Yes.

Oh, honey, you want to do that now?

I thought that was going to be a surprise for the wedding day.

It's going to be a surprise for the guests, but I need

to see how you perform it so I can give you notes.

Okay.

Hannah.

Yes?

The day I met you, it was like a dream, even more

thrilling than my father's new embroidery machine.

Fine.

Fine.

My feelings towards you are so extreme that sometimes

when I'm with you, I just, I just want to scream.

What grade is he in?

The thought of being without you words can't explain.

If you only knew what was going on inside my brain.

Brain, brain.

Brain.

I can't believe I'm about to spend the rest of my years with you.

Dad.

And in just a few minutes, I'm going to say the words I can't.

I...

I'm going to say the words I...

What are you doing?

I'm not ready to be a man.

What?

Again?

I'm not ready to be a man.

Finally he says something true.

What?

I'm not ready to be a man.

I can't believe I was so wrong about you.

Why does my mother have to be right about everything?

You know mothers.

Wait, wait, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Nope, nope.

I think we should take it slow.

You're kidding, right?

No, no, because, um, sex, you know, has a way of complicating things.

And I want to get to know you.

I want to get to know the real you.

I can't believe you're saying this.

I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.

That is so hot.

Oh, shit.

That's my phone.

Hold on, hold on.

Adam, what are you doing?

What are you doing, man?

I've been calling you all week.

I haven't even heard from you.

What's the matter?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hannah?

Who's Hannah?

So then I saw your commercial.

So I went to the palace and we've been hanging out ever since.

He never said a word to us about this.

God forbid he should tell us anything.

Have you heard from him at all in the last week?

No, no.

I've been calling him, too.

He hasn't returned any of my calls.

What if he was raped and murdered by the homeless meth heads?

What if he was blown by a vampire?

Did he say anything about Hannah?

About the wedding?

No, nothing.

Daddy!

You know what?

He probably just got cold feet.

I disappeared for six months before my wedding.

Right, honey?

That was me.

That's right.

How are you a doctor?

He's gone forever and I'm never going to have a baby!

Oh, God!

Hey!

I never could have a grandchild!

God damn it!

Do something, Bruce!

Oh, no!

No!

No!

No!

Hello?

Oh, no!

No!

The doctors at the hospital referred you to Serenity Hills because they felt that

Adam required a more intense hands-on environment for his condition.

His condition?

Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Oh, what the?

I didn't do it.

I just don't understand what could have caused all this.

Not again.

And your fault.

Honey, you can still change your mind.

What the?

Seems fine to me.

Get him!

Ron, get him!

In a case like Adam's, who has a long history of panic attacks, it's not

uncommon that he would reach what we refer to as the HA, or the hyper-aroused state.

What we are watching over the next 21 days...

21 days?

No, no, no.

That is July 2nd.

July 2nd is my wedding.

We've got to get a matter quicker than that.

I've got 200 grand in deposits.

Do you have, like, an express service?

Express service?

This is our only son you're talking about.

We're not putting him on some express service.

We could go swimming.

I don't know.

It's going to be okay.

He's never done that with me, ever.

Fuck you, Adam.

Oh, gosh.

I don't think I've seen this since I was a kid.

Wow.

It's amazing they can still find humans who will actually appear in this show.

I'm Chana Khan.

I've been assigned to be your primary counsellor.

Look.

If you don't want to talk, it's no problem.

You don't have to talk.

These things take time.

And I've got all the time you need.

Why is it that only fat people make it into the showdown?

Fine.

You know, you want to sit there like a vegetable all

day, pretend like you don't hear me, go right ahead.

But my job is to make you well again by having you face

the traumatic events that have forced you into this state.

So unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that, then I would save the

$2,500 a day you're spending here and go check yourself into a hotel.

Come on, suit yourself.

You stare all you like, little man.

What did you just say?

So anyway, the moil slips.

A piece falls off, hits me in the punim.

I've been cockeyed ever since.

So, I mean, Allison tells me you're from Skokie.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.

Sorry, excuse me.

Really?

Yeah, we were practically neighbors.

Your family's still there?

Nope.

Where'd they move to?

They moved...

to heaven.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

When did they pass?

They, um, they passed a few years back.

I can't believe you never told me that.

Well, it's hard to talk about.

It's very raw.

Why?

What happened?

A hunting accident.

They got shot by hunters.

What were your parents doing wandering around where people were hunting?

They weren't.

The hunters were hunting in our backyard.

What were the hunters doing in your backyard?

They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.

And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies.

And, uh, the, um, the hunters mistook them for elk.

Oh.

What happened to the hunters?

Were they arrested?

No.

They are still at large.

You know what, Avi?

The police chief in Skokie's an old friend of mine.

I'm calling him tomorrow.

We'll see if we can't help move things along.

Huh.

Forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your...

Can we talk about something else?

Of course.

I was watching TV last night.

Um, Ten Commandments.

Charlton Heston.

What an actor.

Not Jewish, you know.

Who isn't?

So I'm up there and we're rehearsing these poems that we had written for each other.

And right at the part where I'm about to say I do, I just cracked.

Good, Adam.

Do you remember how you were feeling in that very moment?

No.

I mean, I just...

For a split second, I saw my entire life with Hannah flash before my eyes.

And why did that scare you?

Probably because...

I...

I don't think she's right for me.

So then why are you marrying her?

I don't know.

You're avoiding the question, Adam.

I think you do know.

Now, what I want you to do is try to pinpoint the exact moment in your life

where this pressure you're feeling originated.

I was 12 years old.

Stop staring at her, Adam.

That is rude.

You're cute.

You stare all you like, little man.

You are not and you will never be her little man.

Why can't I be her little man?

Because she's not Jewish.

So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?

That's right.

Why?

Because six million of our ancestors died and we owe it to them.

Why?

Because they're dead.

So what does that have to do with me?

Because you're Jewish.

The fate of our entire religion depends on you.

It depends on me.

It depends on me.

It's all right.

It all depends on me.

It's all right.

It's all right, Adam.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Adam, that was really good.

Really good.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Hey, boss, can I get the crescent ring?

Yeah, here.

Ah, gracias.

You have soft hands.

Hey, boss, you remember that one time... Shh!

Don't say a word.

Hey, beautiful, how you doing?

Just working.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, you know, just here at the hospital checking in on patients,

patients, patients.

What's up, baby?

Well, I just spoke to my dad and he talked to the chief of police in Skokie.

And there's no record of any Rosenbergs being shot and killed by hunters.

Really?

Yeah, in fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death in Skokie ever.

So I went online to research it and I couldn't find anything.

Allison, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but

my parents were in the witness protection program.

And when they were murdered, the FBI destroyed their records.

What are you talking about?

What were they doing in the witness protection program?

Jimmy Hoffa?

What about Jimmy Hoffa?

I mean, I've watched already, do you understand?

Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.

I mean, we've been going out for a month and you never

tell me that your parents were murdered by elk hunters?

And now they're in the witness protection program?

And on top of all that, I'm just starting to wonder if you might be...

Okay, okay, okay, listen, we will sleep together.

Let's do this, baby.

Really?

Do you mean that?

Oh, yeah.

When?

When are we gonna have sex?

Right after I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.

What medical conference in Dallas?

Remember I told you about that a couple of weeks ago?

When are you leaving?

Like, in two hours.

You know, when you're in hell, maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabrón.

You know, Ruth, I'm looking at a bill here for $42,765.

And considering we said we'd split all the wedding expenses, we need to go halfsies.

How's your son going crazy at wedding expense?

Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal, so

I think a case could be made in a court of law.

This is a wedding expense.

Nice try, nice try.

He's got a well-documented, pre-existing condition.

There's no way in hell we're paying for it.

And his condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.

Hey, are you implying that my daughter had something to do with Adam's freak-out?

Oh, she's not implying.

She's saying.

I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, right, you're not insane.

Everyone, please.

We have worked very hard to get Adam to the point he is at in his therapy.

And he has had eight years.

It's been a very tough time.

But these last few days, he has truly managed to come from behind.

Oh, God!

Get off of me!

What are you doing?

He never tried that with me!

What is he doing here at the same time?

Oh, God.

So let me get this straight.

You no longer want to get married to me because

you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?

I know this must be a shock for everyone.

But when Adam finally opened up to me, I don't know, we just clicked.

What do you mean you just clicked?

Arlene, we are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other.

Mm-hmm.

Sala, please continue.

By the way, you're fired.

Well, I'm a Buddhist.

And, you know, both of our religions were born out of struggle.

So we both place emphasis on family, education, and hard work.

And the intense pressure that Adam feels to marry within

his people is the same pressure I feel to marry a Mongolian.

So it's no wonder why we're able to connect.

For 43 grand, you could have connected with every chick in Mongolia!

Okay, Sala.

Hypothetically speaking, if you two were to stay together and get married,

how would you raise your children?

Mom, do we have to get into this right now?

Isn't that what this is for?

The truth is... The truth is... What's the truth, Adam?

The truth is, I don't know if I want to raise my kids Jewish!

Oh, shit.

Jesus.

Who are you?

Was I not a good mother to you?

When you were in kindergarten and you wanted the

little trampoline that could poke your eye out?

Who got you the trampoline that could poke your eye out?

I did.

And when you were in fifth grade and you wanted to take karate lessons in China to

town, who drove you there three nights a week

and sat in the parking lot all alone in the dark?

I did.

And do you know why?

Because you're my son.

And I love you.

And how do you show your love for me?

You have doggy-style sex with your Mongolian therapist on your wedding day!

And then you say to me, Hey!

Hey!

Mom!

I'm not sure.

If I want to raise my kids Jewish!

Oh, Adam!

That's fine!

That's fine!

Just eat the knife!

Just eat the knife and kill me, Adam!

Mom, stop it!

Okay, Adam.

So you're saying that our entire time together meant nothing to you?

We never hit you!

We never fondled you!

I got liberty candy for you!

Honey, honey, I think we dodged a bullet.

Yeah, she seems nice.

I mean, you better get a good lawyer, freak boy, because I'm suing your ass off!

Okay, this!

This!

Right here!

You want to know why I went nuts?

It's because all of you are nuts!

And I'm sorry that I can't marry you.

But it's better that we end this right now rather

than dragging this on for a long fucking time.

And Mom, I'm sorry that you had to do things that you didn't want to do.

But you know what?

So did I.

I joined the family business and became the Embroidery Prince!

Well, how happy can a man be?

And to top it off, I've never dated a woman who wasn't Jewish my entire life!

Well, you know what?

I'm not doing things for you guys anymore, huh?

I'm doing things for me.

Because I love Salad.

Sala.

And she's Mongolian.

And that's pretty cool.

I love you too.

Oh, God.

Are you gonna be paying by cash or check?

The dorsal slit allows a tight ring of thematic skin to

be expanded by shortening the skin near the incision.

With this technique, the thematic skin is allowed to stay intact.

And finally, the neocrossing crush.

By using the tera-clamp, the skin is crushed for

around ten days until it suffocates and dies.

With this technique, the skin bonds without needing sutures.

This is tough, though.

I mean, you gotta love the dorsal slit, right?

Because the thematic skin stays intact.

But on the other hand, with the sleeve resection,

I got the widest variety of scarring options.

What do you think?

Honestly, I'm kind of partial to the temporary crush.

You know, you get all the benefits of the sleeve resection,

but you get that pump action of the Agamgo device there.

Plus, it reduces your shmegma by like 75%.

It does?

Done.

Sold.

Going with the temporary crush, boy.

Knock, knock.

Snip, snip time, Mr. O'Connell.

Oh.

Here we go.

Is this your life partner?

Who?

No.

No, no, no, no.

No life partnering here.

No.

That would be weird.

Not that that's weird at all, but just, you know.

Okay, Mr. O'Connell.

So I'm going to turn this little knob here on,

and you're going to just slowly drift away.

I want you to breathe, relax, enjoy it.

Breathing, breathing.

I'm scared.

Ya, I have nothing to be afraid of, boy.

Nurse Boo is going to sing you a little ditty and make you feel all better.

When I was only eight days old... Hurrah.

Hurrah.

A billy, billy, billy bum.

When I was only eight days old.

Hurrah.

Hurrah.

Billy, Billy, Billy.

The boy came with his big knife.

I thought he was going to take my life, but it only took a little bit off the top.

Little bit off the top.

Top.

Little bit off the top.

Top.

Okay, okay.

She was just taking a little off the top.

Easy there, Mr. O'Connor.

Next time, don't trust your circumcision to an HMO.

I think she's nice.

I just, I can't believe that you're doing all of this

just so you don't have to make any more decisions.

Oh, Adam, you don't get it.

All those things that you say drive you crazy, I love.

I love that your parents smother you.

I love that if they hear about a tornado in Kansas,

they call you even though you live in Los Angeles.

Yeah, we're very nervous people.

And I love the fact that you email each other your itineraries because,

because you never know, you know?

No.

You never know.

Never know.

And for the past 5,000 years, every civilization,

every culture has tried to have you guys annihilated.

Yeah, we are not liked.

I like you.

We like you.

You're getting the...

It's gonna all make sense now.

Now, Mohammed al-Sheik al-Sheen al-Sheik is up here.

Now, he's gonna come up here and we got Mohammed al-Sheik...

Mohammed Ali?

No.

Stop that.

O'Connor here.

Speak up!

Hi, Daddy.

It's your son, Christian.

What you doing?

I'm in Tahiti having myself a Mai Tai.

What the hell do you think I'm doing?

Fighting terrorists?

Spreading democracy?

Yeah.

Dad, guess what I'm doing.

Oh, I'm here with Adam Lipschitz.

You remember him?

Adam Lipschitz?

Didn't I order you to stay away from that boy?

No, Daddy.

We're life partners.

Sir, that's inaccurate, sir.

Life partners?

Now, what the hell is life partners?

Life partners.

He's with me so I can get circumcised, sir.

What?

Not for me, though.

Circumcised.

Circumcised?

Yeah, so I can be a Jew, Daddy.

You can be a Jew?

Daddy, I wanna tell you something, too, because

I don't think I've ever told you this before.

We never say this, but I love you, Daddy.

I love you.

Hi.

Ow!

Sorry.

You know, I'm glad we're hanging out again,

but I kind of feel like something's missing.

A little bit off the top...

Top of the top.

Alison?

Wanna have sex?

Not really.

Clear left!

Clear right!

Didn't I order you to keep your son away from my son?

Excuse me?

Don't you play dumb with me, shit-libs.

Buck O'Connell?

Oh, jeez.

Your Adam has turned my Christian into some Jew.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Buck, slow down.

What are you talking about?

They're life partners.

Life partners?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What makes you think this?

He called and told me while he was in hospital with your Adam that he...

was about to get his package up.

And then he told me, Dad, I love you.

What the hell is going on?

Huh?

Oh, Dennis.

We pushed him too far.

And he snapped.

With all the pressure that we put on him to

marry a Jewish girl, the Asian wasn't enough.

And then he... he went the other way.

Okay, Buck.

First of all, you look fantastic.

Whoa.

Hey, hey, whoa.

No, but second of all, I mean, I'm having a hard time believing any of this.

Oh, yeah?

Then where's your boy right now?

Oh, buddy, I'm so happy you're here.

And that you're helping me with this.

I don't know what I would do without you.

You really need me to do this again?

I gotta be honest, I don't know if I can get through another Gauze Pass.

And how many times a day do you have to do it?

Really, I can't do this myself.

Please come and do it.

Come on, just help me.

Okay.

Come here.

Put some of that jelly on it and let's get going.

Okay.

Clear!

Oh, God!

What?

Oh, God!

What?

What?

Drop the petroleum jelly and back away from my son's anus.

Holy shit.

I knew it.

Don't shoot him, Dad.

Mom?

Adam!

Dad!

Dammit, Adam!

Jelly's for toast!

Alison, I'm not a Jew, and I'm not a doctor.

And my name is not Avi Rosenberg.

Well then, who the hell are you?

I'm Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

I'm a plumber.

Look, when I met you at the mixer, I begged my friend Adam here to help me

pass myself off as a Jew so that you'd be able to date me.

Penis club?

Alison, how's it going?

Marcy... Don't you even look at me.

Rabbi, I'm so sorry.

You.

Penis club.

Before Adam came along, I watched NASCAR, and I had the heads of dead animals that

I'd hunted and killed myself on my wall, and I had no idea that when you order a

salad at a restaurant, you can order the dressing on the

side, let alone custom create your own dishes off the menu.

What the hell are you talking about?

I fed you Caesar salad.

Jews can custom create their own dishes.

They're always up to something.

No, I can hear you.

That's why I messed up our date so bad, because I wasn't being myself.

And then Adam told me the only way I'm ever going to be able to get you back is

if I could convince your mom that I was the greatest guy in the world.

So that's why I poisoned your dad with the rotten gift filled with fish, because I

wanted to partner with your mom in the bridge tournament.

You're the reason I've been on the toilet for three days becoming a raisin?

All right, now we finally beat the Fleischmanns, Shlomi, so just leave it alone.

Was there ever a medical conference in Dallas?

No, I just needed time to recover from the circumcision.

Oh!

On the walk?

I wouldn't mind having circumcision.

Why would you do all that?

Because I love you.

Allison, I love you.

And I want you to make every decision for me for the rest of my life.

Will you do that?

So I'm just supposed to forget about everything you just said, because you love me?

Yes, please.

Son, stop this hollering and just propose to the girl.

Don't put the tongue in.

Well, that haircut is awful.

So let me make an appointment for you with my guy, because he's the best.

I should take that as a yes, huh?

Yes.

I'll take that as a yes.

Aww!

Mazel tov!

Shlomi, we've got a plumber.

That's Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

Rosenberg.

Now that's a nice Jewish name.

We are so thrilled that you finally decided to come on a moose hunt with us.

I can't wait to kill me a ten pointer.

I'm going to skin him and gut him and pull out his rectum.

Nobody is pulling out anybody's rectum here.

That's what they do.

No, no, listen to me, Shlomi.

That would be a disgusting thing to do.

Think of E.

coli, you could get bacterium.

There are no wipes here that I can see.

Shut up!

Stop!

Stop the confection!

Mercy, you're going to come in.

Take a knee.

A knee?

Cramp.

Careful.

Not like that.

For God's sake.

I remember when my father took me out for my first hunt.

We all fought like crazy over who's going

to be the lucky one to pull out that rectum.

That's what they do.

Oh, thank you.

Nob, baby.

Damn right.

Nog, baby.

Aw, baby loves mama's nog.

Nog, baby.

I'm not really much of a nog guy.

The dairy kind of makes my acid reflux kick in and I'm not even sure if the eggs

are cage free, so I don't feel safe.

But one sip won't kill me, I guess.

Nog, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Nog!

Boo!

Narnatong and Jabininet, whatever.

My wife and I want to thank you for your hospitality, and for these beautiful hats.

My father says it's an honor to have you as part of our family, and they've learned

a great deal of wisdom from all of you this week.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My mother says you're going to love the fried marmot.

It's a speciality.

Oh!

Dennis, did you hear that?

We're going to have fried marmot.

Hooray!

We discuss at home.

I can have fried food once every few months.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have fried food.

Then what are you saying?

Let's just eat it.

Maybe a little Mongolian barbecue or something.

Let's eat what they order.

We don't want to be rude.

Is it kosher?

I don't know.

We're not even kosher.

Why do you care?

I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel all together now.

Oh!

Sweet love!

Oh!

I'm there for all.

Smoking sixes with a Jewish man.

Even Moses got a land of ham.

I'm thinking love.

Shalom!

Shalom!

I had a dream.

Where I saw every Jew paying me to get free.

I had a dream.

Where I saw every Gentile loaded prison on the side of the ark.