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-We now go live
to the White House,
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where press secretary
Karoline Leavitt is
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four or five seconds from
wildin'.
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[ Tools hammering ]
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-Thank you.
Thank you, members of the press.
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Could we hold the work
on the ballroom, please?
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I'm delighted to be here today.
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As some of you know, I'm
about to go on maternity leave.
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That's when you tell President
Trump about your maternity
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and he says leave.
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00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:35,002
But before I go,
I'd like to introduce a man
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who just finished
absolutely owning the Dems
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00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,073
in his congressional testimony.
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The man, the myth,
the liability.
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Pete Hegseth.
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[ Rock music playing ]
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♪♪
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-Alright, cut the track! Cut it!
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[ Music stops ]
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And yeah, this is a scotch.
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I said I'd have just one.
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Here you go.
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For the baby.
-Okay.
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-Alright, now listen up,
dingbats. Okay?
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As you might have seen
on our sick-ass TikTok,
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we've been bombing stuff,
doing sick air raids.
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This war has been a movie.
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Specifically
"The NeverEnding Story."
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We've hit Iran with everything
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we've got -- missiles,
bombs, drones, and twins!
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But now we're in a cease-fire,
wink.
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Which is why I have time
to come talk
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to you butt-munches.
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So, alright, dumb questions,
go.
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-Uh, yeah. When you recited that
Bible verse from "Pulp Fiction"
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about vengeance
and furious anger,
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um, did you know it was fake and
it wasn't really in the Bible?
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-Yeah!
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But also, I do believe
that someday it will be.
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In Bible 2: Electric Bible-aloo.
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Now, I'm not going to apologize
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because I wear my religion
on my sleeve literally.
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I have a tattoo on my forearm of
Jesus choking out Jimmy Kimmel.
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Next.
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-Yeah. Is it true that
you've already spent 25 billion
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in taxpayer dollars?
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-Is it true you suck?
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-I'm just trying
to get an estimate
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of what you think the total cost
of this war will be.
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-Huh. I don't know.
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I guess I could put it
in terms like a theater kid
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like you would understand.
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♪ 525,000, 600 billion ♪
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Ruff, ruff.
You just got dog-walked.
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Next.
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-What about reports that U.S.
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military facilities
have been badly damaged?
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Exactly how many bases
have been hit?
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00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,810
-More bases
than you've ever hit, virgin.
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00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,381
And you want to see a base
that's been badly damaged?
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00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:04,418
Check out your mom after
she's done riding Pete's dragon.
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00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:13,927
In summary, war is awesome.
Okay?
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Everyone's always asking me
when's this war gonna be over?
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That's like asking,
when is sex gonna be over.
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Answer -- When the man is done.
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Yeah, you.
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-But President Trump himself
just declared
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that the war is over.
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-Okay. Yeah.
When he says it, it's cool.
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And to quote another thing,
he says, you're fired.
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-I don't work for you.
-You know what? You're right.
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You're actually
not working for me.
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Too brunette, not enough filler.
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And what are those, B cups?
[ Scoffs ]
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-One is. Yeah.
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-Now, look, I'd love to stay
here
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and keep dunking
on your weak asses,
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but someone else
wants to come say hello
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before he's
almost certainly fired.
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00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,844
Director of the FBI,
Mr. Kash Patel.
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00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,212
[ Rock music plays ]
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♪♪
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-What up? What up?
84
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:26,233
It's K-dot,
a.k.a. Kash with a K,
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00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:29,770
a.k.a. the most effective
FBI director
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00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,405
this country's ever had.
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Kash Patel.
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Now, after
the attempted assassination
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00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:44,151
of President Trump --
another one --
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we conducted an investigation
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that could not have been
more thorough.
92
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,326
We dotted every T
and bulged every eye.
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00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:59,967
And for those of you saying I'm
doing a bad job running the FBI,
94
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,602
well, what if I told you
95
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,805
this agency is
only six weeks away
96
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:09,109
from pinpointing the exact
location of Osama bin Laden?
97
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:14,781
You guys should not be reporting
the lies and the gossip.
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You should be reporting
on the historic nature
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00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:20,487
of my appointment.
I am a trailblazer.
100
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:24,191
I'm the first Indian person
to suck at their job.
101
00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:32,799
Everyone says Indian
people are smart, hardworking,
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00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,535
incredibly intelligent.
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00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,670
I've proved,
without a shadow of a doubt,
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that we can be just as incapable
and incompetent as the whites.
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00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,683
Okay. Questions?
Yeah, you, little shorty.
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-Are you nervous about reports
that Trump is angry with you?
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00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:58,325
-Hell no!
President Trump loves me.
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00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,060
Everybody loves me.
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Even the Correspondents
Dinner shooter said,
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00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:05,966
"Kill everyone but Mr. Patel."
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00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:09,269
You get a shout-out like that
in a psycho's manifesto,
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00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,104
you must be doing something
right.
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00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,909
-Okay. Is it true that you,
the director of the FBI,
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00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,745
was locked out
of your own e-mail account?
115
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,948
-That's just more lies.
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00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,517
I've always been able to log
into my e-mail,
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except for a brief
36-hour period of time
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when I forgot I had changed my
password to KashMeOutside69.
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00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,230
-And can I ask about
your drinking?
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-What about it?
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-I was actually talking to
Mr. Patel.
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-Oh. Awesome.
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-Let me be clear.
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This FBI director has never been
drunk or hungover on the job.
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This FBI director has never
filled a 40-ounce travel mug
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with ice-cold gin
and a swirl of dry vermouth
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00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,388
and six lemon peels,
and called it a Kashtini.
128
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:05,259
This FBI director
has never used taxpayer dollars
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00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:08,462
to take a private jet to fly him
and his girlfriend
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00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,732
to three different
Buffalo Wild Wings locations
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00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:15,369
across the country to see if
they could taste the difference.
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00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:18,572
And this FBI director
has definitely not stood
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00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,074
on top of a couch
at the VIP room
134
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,544
of TAO Nightclub
and Asian Bistro
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00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,879
and shouted,
"Who wants the nuclear codes?!
136
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J.K.! I ain't got 'em!"
137
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:38,325
And beyond that, I just
have one more thing to say.
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00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:42,129
-Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
10004
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