All language subtitles for Urzila.S01E05.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-WH_track3_[eng]

Cheers to us moving in together.

What a huge step in our relationship.

Go us.
Oh!

Cheers.

We should go camping this weekend.

Camping?

I'd rather head-butt a nail.

You expect me to shit in a bucket?

Camping isn't for me.

It's for straight men

who secretly want
to Brokeback Mountain each other.

Babe, I just,
I can't sleep uncomfortably.

Sorry.

I have an air mattress.

Don't say it.

Just don't say it.

Please don't say it.

Don't say it.

And you know,

the air mattress is actually
more comfortable than your bed.

You have to move out. Give me that.

Take your shit and go.

I should have fucked your sister
when I had the opportunity.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, hello.

Oh, it's good to see you.

Stop it.

If you want.

Hi, make some noise -

who's got kids?

(CHEERING)

Listen, now you know...

You know
when you're packing the kids.

Those kids will make friends
and you know how it works.

When those kids make friends,

you, the parents, must then be
friends with those kids' parents.

That's how it works.

You don't choose your own friends.

Your kids now do it for you.

That's how mum groups start.

It's called
the Seventh Circle Of Hell.

Okay?

And especially if your
kids are like my kids.

My kids have terrible
taste in friends.

They never pick the kids
who has a hot tub or a pool at home.

No.

They become friends with the kids

whose mum shows up at school
in their little bike shorts

with a pyjama shirt
that still says 'Big Spoon' on it.

With no bra.

Smoking at the school gate
where it says, 'Do not smoke'.

And then she's like,
"Do you want a dart?"

No, I'm alright.

And then when the kids
start coming out, she's like,

"Stacy! Get in the fucking car!"

Honestly, the worst thing, like,
if you're sitting here, maybe you go,

"Should we have kids?"

I want you to think about that.

The friends that they'll make
and all the other mums at school.

Because at the minute,
you look at your partner and you go,

"We will have
the cutest little babies."

But you're not thinking about
all those other mums

that you have to talk to at school.

And that'll take
all of your patience.

And that's why mums
always yell at their kids -

because they're saving
the patience for the other mums.

There's this one mum
at my kids' school,

she's this little
bird-like creature.

And she always wears a T-shirt

and on it, it says, "Protect
your kids from the gay agenda."

(AUDIENCE GROANS)
I know.

And I'm so confused with this shit.

Like, I don't even understand,

what is the gay agenda
that you're scared we're spreading?

Like, we're not the ones
going door to door.

You will never, in your life,
hear a knock on your door,

and open the door

and there's a whole clitorii
of lesbians in front of your door.

"Have you heard the great news?

"You can eat pussy
for six hours a night."

We don't need to do that.

Our work speaks for itself.

It's called word of mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

Enjoy your day.

(SIGHS) Hello, Janine.

Afternoon.

See you tomorrow.

Have a great day, darling.

Love you.

Bye-bye. Mummy loves you.

Have a good day, buddy.

Hello, Janine.

Hello, Urzila.

What a nice day we're having.

A bit too hot, actually.

(SIGHS)
I'd go home.

Enjoy the rest of this sunny day.

See ya.

Hello, Urzila.

Hello, Janine.

Plans for the weekend?

Kid's soccer game.

You?

Lunch with the in-laws.

I know.

Hi, ladies.

Everything alright?

He's so rude.

(LAUGHTER)

At the end, I needed five sketches.

You are crazy, Lucy.

Me crazy?

I don't think so.

You should ask her
what she does with yoghurt.

Bring it.
Don't pull me into this thing.

Alright, so, when we have yoghurt,

I peel the lid off
and I always lick the yoghurt.

Because, you know, it's my yoghurt.

(LAUGHS) You're such a weirdo.

Okay, guys,
if we're sharing our weird thing,

I actually collect
stuffed teddy bears.

That's crazy.

You're nuts. You're nuts.

I speak to our cat
like she's our daughter.

Oh-ho!
Yeah.

Alright, cuckoo Magoo.

(LAUGHTER)

I shit in the shower.

What?

Hm?

What did you say?

I, uh... I sometimes eat cereal
for dinner, yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes
I have pasta for breakfast.

Oh. That is wild.

I occasionally talk to my food.

I was like, "Get in me, get in me."

(LAUGHTER)
She does do that.

It's so cute.

Yeah, I poo in the shower.

Yeah, no,
I definitely heard that one.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that.

Look, we're all saying
the crazy stuff we do.

I mean, Lucy, she sings songs
about her house chores.

I do do that. I do. Don't I?

Yeah, and, you know, I make up
little dances in the lounge.

That's it.

And I poo in the shower
and waffle-stomp it down the drain.

Waffle what now?

Waffle-stomp.

If it's a hard one,
I just stomp it through.

Dude!
That's not the same as our stuff.

Ours are like weird and fun.

Yeah,
like I used to have a nipple ring.

And I put strawberries up my bum.

Oh, my...
Why?

Because it makes the shower smell
good while I'm waffle-stomping.

That is disgusting.

It's the same.

It is not the same thing.

Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.

I'm a classic kook.

Hey, I'm a kook.

No, no, no.

We are classic, "Hey, kooks."

You're kooked, mate.

How did you not get bullied
for this in high school?

Oh, I was home-schooled, so I...

Oh, OK, that actually checks out.

It's a home-school thing.

Did you know
I was home-schooled as well?

Really? So you...
Waffle-stomped?

Yeah.

No way, we wouldn't have done that.

That is disgusting.

We called it bubble and squeak.

That's cute.

That's cute. That's nice.

How come it's cute when she says it?

Shut up, you weirdo.

Also, we are not playing
hide and seek after this.

I don't know
what you're going to hide where.

Give me that strawberry.

You know when you go visit
your parents, right,

and your mum's just cooking,

and you're sitting with your dad,

and, you know, he's asking you
to help with the computer,

and then you're like,
"Yeah, all right,"

and then your mum pops her head out,
and she goes,

"Hey, can you have a look
at why the computer keeps...

"There's no history.

"Every time when I try to go back
to my history..."

And you just look at your dad,
and you go, "You filthy bastard!"

But you're also proud that he knows
how to wipe the history,

so you don't have to do it.

(SINGSONG) Good morning.

Welcome
to Computer Literacy for Seniors.

I see you all have your laptops
and iPad and whatever that is.

So, you're going to have a little
crash course, four weeks,

and after that four weeks,

you're going to be able
to email your grandchildren,

message your friends.

Can I get a "Hell yeah!"?

Okay.

How about we just open our computers?

Oh, question.

Graham, what is it?

How do you delete Google history?

That's a great question.

We're going to tackle that in week
three when we do online literacy.

But for today, we're going
to focus on Microsoft Windows.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to know
how to delete Yahoo history.

And once we've done that,
how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?

Okay, all of that
is basically the same thing.

Is cookie history
the same as computer history?

And what's this about incognito mode
I keep hearing about?

Okay.

Just so I know,

who's only here to find out how to
delete the porn off their computers?

Wow, so you guys
only use your computers for porn?

No.

I'm also a sugar daddy.

Oh, me too.

I use OnlyFans.

Wow, I'm only grossed out.

That is... that is a lot.

I mean, I was going to teach you
how to email your grandkids

and message your wives,

but because of you perverts,
I now have to go through this trauma.

I will show you one time,
and one time only,

how to delete your search history.

This is grim.

Okay, open your searches.

Click on that,
so we can see what you've...

Whoa, okay.

Yeah, I mean, that's... that's bad.

"Big boobs, bigger boobs,

"more boobs, please."

That sounds nice.

Well, at least he uses his manners.

"Savaged maiden,

"the biggest bottom ever."

You grot.

All right,
simmer down over there, Lenovo.

I'm sure you've got
way worse on your computer.

Ah, your computer sucks.

Hey, chill.

You've got a TCL.
That stands for The Crappy Lappy.

Zip it.

All right,
let me show you how to delete it.

See there, just under 'See all',
and then it says 'Delete all'.

Delete it.

There you go, it's gone.

It's like it never happened.

Let's cover actual computer stuff,
shall we?

Okay, so word processors work...

(WHIRRING)

Who's printing?

Is that you?

This is gross misuse of a printer.

This is disgusting.

You're going to want to laminate
that before you use it.

(LAUGHS)

That is too much.

I quit.

I'm going to go,

unless any of you have actual
questions about computers.

Yes.

Who directed Two Girls and a Cup?

I'm going to leave.

I cannot cope.

Is this a butt plug?

Some of the stuff I've bought online,
I'm proud of.

Like, I bought one of those little
car vacuums that can blow and suck,

like your sister.

And...
(LAUGHTER)

That thing's amazing.

Can definitely recommend.

But then, there's stuff, you know,

three o'clock in the morning,

that when you buy it,

they promise
they won't put any details

on your credit card statement,

and it'll show up in a blank box
at your house.

Like, I just recently
bought a flashlight.

Some of you don't know what that is,
because you're a pure heart.

And I'm not going to explain it
to you, because this is on ABC.

You're going to have to do
the adult thing and go Google it.

All I'm saying is,
I use it all the time, you know.

Because, you know, after adult time,

you have the toys,

and you need, like, a little holster,
if you will.

Or a little sheath.

So that when you're done, where
can you put it that it fits perfect?

But a flashlight, you know.

It fits so perfect, even Jesus goes,

"That's what I meant for it
to look like."

When you pass away,

it is your responsibility
to get a friend

that can go in and go clear out
all your crap out of your house.

You don't need your family
to find that stuff, hey.

When your mum has to go in
and go clean that stuff off,

that's going to shave
a lot of her sadness off.

When she has to find all of the filth
that you have in your room.

A big part of me, though,
hoped that I'd die before my sister,

so that she, in her Christian heart,

can find the stuff and at least
die one day with a smile on her face.

I'm afraid she's gone.

Oh.
(SOBS)

(BEEPS, TRILLS)

Team, it's go time.

Client 114 just passed away.

She's one of our longest,
most premium clients.

I personally signed her up and she
was a good woman with a few quirks.

T-minus 12 minutes
until her family get home.

We need to clear out
all the embarrassing shit

before her family finds it.

It's too tight, boss.

We'll never make it.

Get this done for her and for me.

We're the reason people remember
their loved ones as good people.

We have to make it.

Let's go!

Code brown!

Code brown!

Dispose!

Dispose! Dispose!

The final package is secured.

Let's move out.

98, I've just decrypted
a fresh manifest

with more items she didn't want
anyone to know about.

How many?

There's a lot.

She was a sick bitch.

Yuck.

(RETCHES) Oh, that's disgusting.

What is it?

Poetry.

Self-written.

Burn it immediately.

What a freak.

They're nearly here.

T-minus two minutes.

Let's move.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Eugh! She's getting sicker and sicker
by the minute.

Time is running out.

Let's go, let's go!

Have you cleared this room?

I think so.

Check behind that door.

Other door, you dipshit.

Oh, gimp.

How'd I miss that?

All good, you're new.

Get out of here, gimp.

God, it makes me miss my dad.

They're here, they're here!

Move out, team.

I think we got it all, boss.

What about the sex robot?

The manifest says
there's a sex robot.

There is no sex robot.

We've got everything.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

She was at the Wuhan wet market
in 2019.

She started COVID.

Go, team!

Move, move, move!

That was tight, but we pulled it off.

Excellent work, team.

I have to tell you
this little nugget.

The last time I went to the doctor
for a smear,

they gave me a thing and I was like,
"Okay."

And they go,
"You can go in cubicle three."

I go, "Are you coming?"

No, it'd be like
I'm courting the nurse.

I'm like, "Do you want to come?"

And they go, "No, it's a self-test.

"You get a self-test now."

I'm like, "Listen, listen.

"I'm not ready for that."

You should see me at the
self-checkout in the supermarket.

Oh, it's such a stressful thing
when they always go,

"Use the self-checkout."

(GULPS)

"Do I have to?"

Because I'm not smart
for that kind of shit.

You go, boomp, and then it goes,
"Wait for assistance."

I'm like, "Why? What did I do?"

I'm so scared because you know that
teenager and they're always so angry.

They come out and they go,
"You're not doing it right."

And I go, "Listen, I'm sorry.

"I wasn't here when we got training."

No wonder I'm so tired.

I work this fucking job too.

So I don't think I should be trusted
with a self-check for a smear.

You know, now I'm just in there.

I'm not sure what to do.

And they go...

Honestly, when they gave me
that test,

I said, "Doctor, have you
ever seen me in the supermarket?

"I don't do self-serve."

And it's not our fault.

Women are bad at direction.

It's not our fault.

Do you know what?

They've done studies,
and when I say they, I mean me,

that a woman will spend on average

about 12 years of her adult life
in a bathroom

looking at a panty liner, going,
"Which way is the front?"

Honestly,
you'd think they can sort it out.

They can make dudes' dicks
harder than algebra,

but they can't fix our panty liners.

We did it, boys.

Whoo!

And it's got everything
a woman could want.

Little gutter lines
for extra absorbency.

Oh, my bro's got to slow that flow
for the hoes.

It's got extra strong glue,

so it's going to stick
to them sweet little panties...

ALL: All day long.

And most importantly,
look on the back.

Sick animal trivia.

Straight up fats, baby!

Yeah.

(FAKE CHUCKLES)

Which side's the front?

The front?
What?

Which side is the front?

I can't tell which side's the front.

Well, it's just...
Yeah. Like... The f...

Did you see the facts on the back?

Yeah, no one wants that.

Come on!
All right, yeah, okay, yeah.

There you go. F.

Boom.
(LAUGHS)

Yeah, but F for 'front'
or for 'fanny'?

Because depending on which country
you're in,

that could be front bump
or back bump.

Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.

It'll fit either way.

Oh, okay.

No, you three seem to know
your way around a pussy.

(SNIGGERS)

Let me give it a hoon.

Let me try it.

No, no, hey.

Don't you turn your back on me.

You look at it.

Look at it!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh! The glue's too strong, it just
ripped the gusset right out of it.

That's got to be on you
to a certain degree.

Let's just...

Oh, yeah. That's already
ripped off about 50 pubes there.

(SQUEAKING)

Oh, that is not comfortable.

Oh.

It's just got my labia.

It's pulling at the labia.

It's not supposed to do that.

(SQUELCHING)

Oh, she's out, she's out.

Terrible!

Can you say something good?

Like, we worked on this really hard.

I wish I could, but I just have
nothing because you're dumb as shit.

Dumb as shit?

If we're so dumb, how could we be
revolutionising the women's razor?

Check this out.

Less blades, pretty blunt,
but a soft, pink handle.

Yeah, because women don't have hair,
so we made the blades unsharp.

Unsharp?
Mm.

Don't speak again.

Okay, well, what about lady pants?

Drop the lady pants! Ba-ba-bam!

What about them?

Well, they're exactly like men's
pants, but they don't have pockets.

Yeah.
But we want pockets.

Well, easily fixed.

We'll just sew some patches on,
make it look like it's got pockets.

Yes!

This is bullshit.

Do you morons actually believe

that if you keep making this shit
that doesn't work,

but you package it all nicely in pink
with soft little handles,

that women will keep buying it
even though it doesn't work?

Now she gets it.
Yeah.

That's, like, it.

(SIGHS)

Good point, and...

..we do like the trivia.

Dammit!

(SQUELCHING)

You knew it, man.

Everyone loves trivia.

That's going to leave a mark.

So what's next, fellas?

Let's try and make
childbirth quieter.

Yeah!

This is why we brainstorm.
Whoo!

Is it made to circumcise a woman?

Because I think it just did.

Well, well, well,

I think what we've learned tonight
is female products aren't that great,

but on the positive side,
my ass looks amazing in overalls.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Look at that.

Why don't you have a hoon at that

while I walk off stage
with my brand-new panty liner in.

Thank you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Can you just say something good?

Like, we worked on this really hard.

I don't know my lines,
so no, I can't.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, I was going to teach
you guys how to, you know,

message your grandparents...

'Grandparents'! (LAUGHS)

Dear Jesus.

All right, all right.

Get the crypt open.

Shut your mouth, bulk shitter.

MAN: Are we
going to end on a spit take?

Are we going to end on a spit take?

This wind's
really good for my hair.

Mmm.

OK, I love Botox.

(LAUGHTER)

It's torrential.

I might... (LAUGHS)

I might go home and enjoy the rest
of the sunshine we're having.

We don't have a tent.
(CAT MIAOWS)

(LAUGHTER)

Typical,
two lesbians and a cat runs through.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation