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1
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,080
Hello?
2
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,080
Urzila?
3
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,600
Kids, shut up! Shh, shh, shh!
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,440
Are you home?
5
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,720
Yoo-hoo!
6
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,880
Someone find Mummy's pants!
7
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,000
Where are your nightgowns?
8
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,640
Who put this shit on the wall?
9
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:27,360
What? What's the emergency?
10
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,360
Did someone die?
11
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,120
I just thought I'd pop by.
12
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,520
Pop by?
13
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,240
Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.
14
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,720
This house is a mess.
15
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,880
I'm not
going to let you see my filth.
16
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,480
I bet you're one of those
tidy house psychos.
17
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:41,760
What are you hiding, huh?
18
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,000
What kind of Fritzl situation
is going on at your place?
19
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,800
Can I just use your bathroom?
20
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,880
No, we don't have one.
21
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:50,880
Oh.
22
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,480
Yeah, we're free wee-ers now.
23
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,200
It's better for the environment.
24
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,960
Just go wee over there.
25
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,200
Ew, grub.
26
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,360
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
27
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,480
Oh, ho, ho!
28
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,200
You are on fire!
29
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,440
Oh, my God!
30
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,680
Honestly, you make my tits perk up,
and nothing does that.
31
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,600
Can I just say,
as a 50-year-old woman,
32
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,080
do you know the hardest part
of my day these days?
33
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,840
And you go, "Is it menopause?"
34
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,880
No, it's lining up my nipples.
35
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,960
Like initially, like in my 40s,
it was once a day.
36
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,160
I'd put the bra on.
37
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,480
I'd line the girls up.
38
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:42,920
I'd go, "I'm good to go."
39
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,160
Now they go...
40
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,440
(SQUEAKS)
41
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,600
They're wilting
like celery in Brisbane.
42
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:50,920
They just can't do it.
43
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,680
Then you talk to younger women,
you know, whose skins still fit.
44
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,160
They go, "It's so embarrassing.
45
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,200
"Today, I went to work
and I forgot to put on a bra."
46
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,480
They go, "I didn't even notice.
47
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,160
"Still I went for morning tea,
made a cup of tea.
48
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,120
"When I opened the fridge,
my nipples just went ding!"
49
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,120
I was like, "Yeah, I weirdly had
a very similar experience this week.
50
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,000
"Forgot to put a bra on,
51
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,920
"went to make a cup of tea
and slammed my tits in the drawer."
52
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,200
Yeah.
53
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,080
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
54
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,040
Very similar story.
55
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,240
My nipples also went ding doong!
56
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,760
Honestly, the stuff we go through
as women with our boobs is crazy.
57
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,560
I can't believe the technology's
not really changed.
58
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:45,400
You know, the fight we have
with our underwire is insane.
59
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,040
Insane.
60
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,560
Like you go throughout the day
61
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,080
and you never know
when that thing's coming out.
62
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,720
You're just at work, you're working.
63
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,880
Three o'clock, you turn
to look at your work wife
64
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,960
and you're like, "Oh, I can't."
65
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:02,200
And you know, you go, "Oh, I think
I may have had a stroke or something.
66
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,800
"I can't turn my...
Oh, no, it's the underwire.
67
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,160
"It's out.
68
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,720
"The underwire crept out."
69
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,720
No one had said anything to you.
70
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,160
And you know that thing
didn't just go... phoo!
71
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,600
It didn't just pop out.
72
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,600
It slowly, incrementally,
73
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,640
quarter millimetre by a
quarter millimetre was creeping out.
74
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,200
You've been dealing
with clients all day.
75
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,840
You've been talking to your friends.
76
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,240
Not one of them have gone,
77
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:30,440
"Hey, babes, your mechanical tit
is unravelling."
78
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,120
Do you know, that's how it changes.
79
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,600
You go, how has your life changed
as you've gotten older?
80
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,280
I've got a lot more confidence
81
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,120
and I went from a double D
to a 38 long.
82
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,240
All right.
83
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:57,880
I'm looking for the owner
of a 10 DD grey granny bra
84
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,680
with underwire issues, 2017 model.
85
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:01,720
That's me.
Come on.
86
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,200
All right.
87
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,920
Pop the hood.
88
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,680
Yay. Hey!
89
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,680
Old lady,
I haven't seen one of these in years.
90
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,280
Yeah, it's vintage.
91
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,160
No, it's a shitbox is what it is.
92
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,120
You should have
come to see me ages ago.
93
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,520
What the hell?
94
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,840
It's got an antenna.
95
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,520
You can catch talkback radio on this.
96
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,120
Oh, I'm a racist bastard. (LAUGHS)
97
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,640
But we could just take the underwire
out and then it should be fine.
98
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,440
If we take the underwire, that right
tit is going to come right down
99
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,200
and by Wednesday, you're just
drop-kicking it on the pavement.
100
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,200
I don't want that.
101
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,200
No one wants that.
102
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,760
What we're going to do
is I'm going to go ahead
103
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,440
and put it back in for you, okay?
104
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,440
Yeah.
105
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,360
Just don't scream.
106
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,600
Okay. Oh, God!
107
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,600
She's in.
108
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,800
That feels so much better.
109
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:48,800
So much better.
110
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,040
Thank you for your work.
111
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,520
Oh, we're not done.
112
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:52,640
We're not done?
113
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,960
No, no. Look, the suspension
on this thing is munted.
114
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,960
Look at that, look at that.
115
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,080
Diff is going to be
dragging on that thing.
116
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,280
It's got no shocks left in it.
Okay.
117
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,360
Do you get a lot of tit poppages
on that?
118
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,120
Oh, sometimes if I stop suddenly.
119
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,040
Yeah, it's because
your brakes aren't right.
120
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,200
I'll tell you what.
121
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,480
She's a big job.
122
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,760
The rims are all bent up.
123
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,640
Leave her with me
for a couple of days.
124
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,360
I'll give you one of these
courtesy bras.
125
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,360
Maybe that sporty one.
126
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,440
No, I can't wear that.
127
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,720
And I need this done now.
128
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,040
I need it now.
129
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,440
(SIGHS)
130
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,520
Hop up.
131
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,680
Let me have a look underneath.
132
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,480
Alrighty-roo.
133
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,480
Shall we?
134
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,480
Okay.
135
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:29,520
Good news, bad news.
136
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,960
You're getting new lace.
137
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,480
Yeah, just do it, just do it.
138
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:34,720
Oh.
139
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,280
Oh, oh.
140
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,080
Sure you know
what you're doing down there?
141
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,480
I'm going to need a hammer.
142
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,160
Oh, wow.
143
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:43,360
Got it.
144
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,080
This should lift those girls up.
145
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,960
Oh, no, I've hit the milk tank.
146
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,520
Oh, sorry. I'm lactating.
I should have said.
147
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,520
It's all right.
148
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,560
It happens all the time.
149
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:55,560
Don't worry about it.
150
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,560
That was a messy job, mate.
151
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,480
Like, I haven't smelled like custard
for days.
152
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,880
I mean, it's much better,
so thank you.
153
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:04,880
There you go.
154
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,520
$1,455.
155
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,880
That seems like a lot.
156
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,600
Oh, hi, Mum.
157
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,120
What's the damage?
158
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,280
Well...
159
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:21,280
New underwires,
15mm straps, D-cup repadding.
160
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:26,360
Well, going off this month's
spotlight catalogue, I'd say $17.70.
161
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,360
Yeah, and labour, though.
162
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,600
Like 10 minutes.
163
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,720
$17.70, is it?
164
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,080
Thanks, Mum.
165
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:37,600
Thank you.
166
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,600
Thanks.
167
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,640
Don't hurry back.
168
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,960
Next!
169
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,360
It's been 28 days
since the virus spread -
170
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,240
what many are calling a Karendemic.
171
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,800
She spat in my son's face.
172
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,680
I'm notifying the authorities!
173
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,800
And... well, look at him.
174
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,000
You have no right to film me.
175
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,000
That's it.
176
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,360
If you film me, I'll film you.
177
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:03,520
(CRIES)
178
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,400
The Australian military has finally
captured the first of the infected,
179
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,600
Karen Zero.
180
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,760
(YELLS INDISTINCTLY)
181
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,760
Scientists hoping her DNA
182
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:15,840
may provide a cure
to this horrifying plague.
183
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,240
Karen, Karen, Karen,
can you hear us?
184
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,280
Karen, Karen!
185
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,360
Yes, I'm asleep, not dead.
186
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,600
Use your inside voice.
187
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,360
Can you understand
what we're saying?
188
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,480
Yes, I speak English.
189
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,680
This is an English-speaking country
the last time I checked.
190
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,160
Although before you know it,
we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.
191
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,120
Because they won't stop
letting those people in.
192
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,960
We only have until midnight
to secure a DNA sample.
193
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,360
It's the only way to create a cure.
194
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,960
OK, Karen, I'm going to get
a strand of your hair now, OK?
195
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,080
Hey, hey, hey.
196
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:54,400
The only people I let touch
my blunt bob is Fernando, my stylist.
197
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,240
And me, when I have to fix
his cock-ups.
198
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,080
You're not touching my blunt bob.
199
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,440
We're running out of time.
200
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,960
I'm going to get a skin scraping.
201
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:01,960
Good luck.
202
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,840
I've had more sunbeds
than you've had hot meals.
203
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,200
Don't you know
you're ruining the world?
204
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,440
You're evil!
205
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:08,800
And you're rude, Missy.
206
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,160
I'm going to make you really famous
on my Facebook community page.
207
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,280
We need to get a blood sample.
208
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,760
Excuse me, are you even
a qualified phlebotomist?
209
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,880
I'm going to need a man for this job,
please.
210
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,360
And you're not putting that on me!
211
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,400
Ah, I don't even get vaccinated.
212
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,520
You don't know what's in that.
213
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,440
I do all my own research.
214
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:26,840
Get off me.
215
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,400
There are 443,000 Karens
on this planet because of you.
216
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,800
And that number
is increasing minute by minute.
217
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:35,800
It's OK.
218
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,920
I'll talk to the supervisor.
219
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,520
There is no supervisor.
220
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:39,840
I'll talk to the manager then.
221
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,400
There is no manager either.
222
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,800
So who's in charge
of these Karens then?
223
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,560
You are the first Karen
who started the virus.
224
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,680
So what does that mean?
225
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:52,280
I guess it means the supervisor...
is you.
226
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,960
I want to talk to the supervisor.
227
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,440
I am the supervisor.
228
00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,960
I have to speak to myself?
229
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,240
What?
230
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,040
You can't talk to me like that.
231
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,120
I pay my taxes.
232
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,160
I know my rights.
233
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,000
I've been a customer here for years.
234
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,320
You can't park there.
235
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,320
Don't film.
236
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,720
I will film you.
237
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,800
Why don't you go back
to where you came from?
238
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:20,600
SPEAK ENGLISH!
239
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,920
Is she dead?
240
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,720
I think so.
241
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,440
We may win this war yet!
242
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,080
Oh, this place is filthy.
243
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,560
How long are you going
to let the blood lie here?
244
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,000
Who's in charge
of mopping these floors?
245
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,160
This is a safe thing to show.
246
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,600
You know, we are in here because
we all have something in common.
247
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,840
We all love comedy
248
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,480
and very sexy lesbians.
249
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,400
No, you know,
that's what brings people together.
250
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,760
The things we have in common.
251
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,920
We think it's sport,
but it's a lot more simple than that.
252
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,320
We have very simple things.
253
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,800
It's like if you drive a car,
you own a car, you pick your nose
254
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,680
in the car, and you flick the snot
in the passenger footwell.
255
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:08,680
AUDIENCE: Eww!
256
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,400
Don't you 'eww' me.
257
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,600
I will go lock down that car park
next to this building, and I will
258
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,960
get us someone to take a blue light
through all of your cars.
259
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,000
That passenger footwell
will light up like a Smurf's anus.
260
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,280
You know it.
261
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,960
You know when you're driving...
262
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,760
Well, you're not going to eat it,
you animal.
263
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,000
I mean, on a nice day
when the window's open,
264
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,360
you biff it out the window.
265
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,400
But otherwise,
it goes in the passenger footwell.
266
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,200
You also don't want to roll the car
and then have to explain to people
267
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,400
it's because
you were picking your nose.
268
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,520
We all... that's the stuff
that bring us together.
269
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,320
The little things
that get on our nerves
270
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:45,520
are the little things that we do.
271
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,840
Like we all drink box wine.
272
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,080
You know?
273
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,120
And I know, so if you're fancy
and you go, "Well, I have never."
274
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,000
Well, if you've never had box wine,
275
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,760
then you've never asked
for the house wine at a restaurant.
276
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:57,840
That's a fact.
277
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,920
You think they get that stuff
out of the good bottle?
278
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,400
Dream on, my friend.
279
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,400
They don't.
280
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,560
That stuff
comes straight out of a bag.
281
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,520
How handy are those bags at the end?
282
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,280
You can float on them down a river.
283
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,560
You use them as a pillow.
284
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,800
The kids are playing with them.
285
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,280
You're basically a good parent
if you have that.
286
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,440
This is actually
one of my personal favourites.
287
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:24,520
Mm.
288
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,080
(SPITS) What fresh hell is that?
289
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,760
Oh, somebody knows their box wines.
290
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:29,960
(LAUGHS) Oh, well.
291
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,520
Now, this one you can
actually drink immediately.
292
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,280
But we do recommend that
you cellar it for 10 to 12 minutes.
293
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,000
Any longer and it's going to burn
a hole
294
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,640
right through your stomach lining.
295
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:40,680
That is acrid.
296
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,200
It's stinging my eyes.
297
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,840
Also, I'd like you to try a new one.
298
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,120
It's going to take you
on a bit of a journey.
299
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:51,440
So, pay attention to the notes in it
and tell me what you taste.
300
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,240
Beautiful colour.
301
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,240
Alright.
302
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:03,080
That tastes like
my mouth stubbed its toe.
303
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,520
I can already taste
what it would be like
304
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,920
to throw this up
in the back of an Uber.
305
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:06,920
Oh, yeah.
306
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,240
It's quite acidic.
307
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,240
Almost urine-like.
308
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,600
Yeah, it's the piss.
309
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,600
Real piss?
310
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
311
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,000
That is directly
from our Felix filtration system.
312
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,120
Go, buddy!
313
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,400
It is a strong stream.
314
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,880
Yeah, it reeks.
315
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,440
He's got three kidneys.
316
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,440
Amazing.
317
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,080
He's a gift. Yeah.
Wow.
318
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,960
It gives a depth of flavour
to the wine
319
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,400
that you're just not going to find
in any other box wine.
320
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,680
(BURPS)
321
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,040
Actually, I wouldn't mind trying
some of these others if I could.
322
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,360
Mucky Pond Scum,
Deodorant, Analacage?
323
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,480
No, Anal Leakage.
324
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:41,760
It's English. Yeah.
325
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,440
Anal Leakage.
Anal Leakage.
326
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,840
Okay. Yeah.
327
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,320
How do I pronounce this last one?
328
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,320
Spew.
329
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,320
Spew.
Spew.
330
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,360
Spew.
Yeah.
331
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:50,800
Spew.
Yeah, yeah.
332
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,400
I'd like to taste the Spew.
333
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,000
Of course. It's actually
part of our tasting flight.
334
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,240
Wow!
Wow!
335
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,560
Thank you.
Fancy.
336
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:05,080
If it lands on you,
you must drink every last drop of it.
337
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,160
The last drop.
338
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,200
Oh!
The whole thing.
339
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,240
You ready?
340
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,240
Yes, okay, let's do it.
341
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,320
Alright, good luck.
(SQUEALS)
342
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,600
Yay!
343
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,360
Whoo!
344
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,520
Ohh...
345
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,320
Hey!
346
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,760
Yay!
347
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,920
# Here's to Sally, she's true blue
348
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,040
# She's a pisspot
through and through
349
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,400
# She's a bastard, so they say
350
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,800
# Johnny got out
but you went the other way. #
351
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,800
Down! Down! Down!
352
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,120
Down! Down!
353
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,120
Down!
354
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,360
Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Down!
355
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,520
Yay!
Yay!
356
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,720
It's nutty.
357
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,160
Like ballsacky.
358
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,080
I really wouldn't know.
359
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,520
Alright, off you go, Jack.
360
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,760
Go find someone to play with.
361
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,240
Oh, cool, there's Oscar.
362
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,120
Yeah, yeah, he's definitely there.
363
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,480
But also there's Axel.
364
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,720
Go and play with Axel.
365
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,400
I think I'll go play with Oscar.
366
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,600
You and I have to have a little chat,
okay, buddy?
367
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,640
Whoever you choose to be friends
with,
368
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,080
I have to be friends with their mums,
369
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,200
and I cannot do that, okay?
370
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,320
So go play with Axel.
371
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,000
What's wrong with Oscar?
372
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,280
Oscar's class captain.
373
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,920
So you know his mum
runs half marathons.
374
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,000
She's going to want to chat to me
about intermittent fasting,
375
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,960
and there's about 4,000 recipes
for chia pudding.
376
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,240
I cannot do another chia pudding,
okay? I'll have a blowout.
377
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,720
But look at Axel's mum.
378
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,720
She's vaping. I like her.
379
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,160
Do you see how she doesn't
have orthopaedic sneakers on?
380
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,680
It's because she's cool.
381
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,880
And cool parents have cool kids.
382
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,400
So please, go play with Axel.
383
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,080
But isn't Axel a bad kid?
384
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,440
What do you mean?
385
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,240
Look at him. He's eradicating ants.
386
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,040
You hate ants -
the insects and the movie.
387
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,800
But Oscar looks like
he's having fun too.
388
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,400
Oscar's picking up
other people's trash, okay?
389
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,920
So you know his mum has a keep cup
390
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,640
and some hot opinions
about vegetarianism.
391
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,560
I'm not getting involved in that.
392
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,320
I thought you said
bullying was wrong.
393
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,480
What bullying?
394
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,960
He's teaching younger kids
to be resilient, baby.
395
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,360
They need that.
396
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,680
I don't know, Mum.
397
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,200
Oscar's really smart.
398
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,120
As is Axel.
399
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,400
Look at him.
400
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,480
He's selling...
401
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,040
He's selling sherbet to kids.
402
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,040
What a good kid.
He's a little entrepreneur.
403
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,240
I don't think that's sherbet, Mum.
404
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,200
Please,
think of me just for once, okay?
405
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,720
And go and play with the evil kid.
406
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,600
Okay, fine.
407
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,280
Thank you.
408
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,160
Hi.
409
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,440
Hello.
Hi, yeah, good. Yep.
410
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:49,800
Kids, eh?
411
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,840
They just
get up to the darndest things.
412
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:52,840
Oh, I know.
413
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,840
I would kill for a kid like Axel.
414
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:55,840
He's just...
415
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,200
Wait, you're not Axel's mum?
416
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,480
Oh, I wish.
417
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,480
Get this.
418
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,640
I tried to get Oscar to sell pingers
in the playground the other day
419
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,960
and he said,
"No, I'd rather do origami."
420
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,120
I'm so embarrassed.
421
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,040
Wait, so who's Axel's mum?
422
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,200
Oh, you do not want to know.
423
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,000
Yoo-hoo!
424
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,840
That's not her?
Ooh, yeah.
425
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,400
Hi. How are we?
426
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,200
Oh my God, look,
Axel's made a friend.
427
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,400
Hit it, hit it, hit it harder.
428
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,520
Looks like
we're going to be besties.
429
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,560
Mm!
430
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,680
Have you heard
of intermittent fasting?
431
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,280
Honestly, I just broke my fast
432
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,280
with this amazing
turmeric chai chia pudding.
433
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,480
Hey, that is too big for anything.
434
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,720
That and that.
435
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,000
Jack, let's go.
436
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,840
Your kid is a bad influence
on my child and should be in prison.
437
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:43,840
So should you.
438
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,000
You're going to have a blowout,
by the way.
439
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,320
Can you please give this to Axel
440
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,360
and tell him
I'm good for the next one.
441
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,560
Axel, darling,
I said no dealing in the playground.
442
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,320
You're not listening to Mummy.
443
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,680
Listen, can I just say, you know,
444
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,040
we live in this world now
where it is what it is, right?
445
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,720
We're burning it to the ground,
446
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,040
but at least we're more aware
of each other
447
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,840
and we know
that everyone is beautiful.
448
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,120
That's not true, is it?
449
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,120
Oh, you know, when people go,
"Everyone's opinions count.
450
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,840
"Everyone has valid, valid opinions
and everyone is beautiful."
451
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,080
I go, "No, they're not."
452
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,200
I have seen some dogs in my time.
453
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,400
I know.
454
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,840
And I know right now you're going,
"This is...
455
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,360
"Am I allowed to..."
456
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,760
I want you to quickly
transport yourself
457
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,960
out of your own
Facebook community page
458
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,040
and what you would say online
459
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,360
to put you and your friend
in a mall.
460
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,200
Let's create a scenario, shall we?
461
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:54,160
Let's, for instance,
say we're all in the mall, okay?
462
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,520
We're out of this theatre,
we're in the mall.
463
00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:01,120
Me with this body right now
in a black mini skirt,
464
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,600
a leather one, okay?
465
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,280
You're there with your best friend.
466
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,440
You two see me walking.
467
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,560
Yeah,
that what you're doing right now.
468
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,960
You know, you fucking know...
469
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:24,000
You don't think you've got a mean
bone in your body. All right.
470
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,800
Let's amp it up a little bit,
shall we?
471
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:27,920
We're in the mall.
472
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:33,480
I'm in my black mini skirt and we're
all going up the escalator, okay?
473
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,960
Now you're with me.
474
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,240
I'm a few steps ahead of you.
475
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,680
Then your friend, you want
to tell your friend something,
476
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,240
so you look right up my clacker.
477
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,080
Now you've got pink eye.
478
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,440
Is it still beautiful?
479
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,280
Is it still beautiful? (LAUGHS)
480
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:54,800
If you honestly believe
that every person is beautiful,
481
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,200
you've never been
on public transport.
482
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,400
You have not, because
that is an assault on your eyeballs
483
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,800
and quite frankly,
all of your senses, okay?
484
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,280
I'm not saying
we're not all beautiful.
485
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,360
Like,
you may find something sexy, right?
486
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,280
What's sexy to you
is not necessarily sexy to me.
487
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,720
All I'm saying is,
488
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,920
like, not all beautiful things
are sexy
489
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,720
or not all sexy things are beautiful.
490
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,400
We're not here to yuck your yum,
whatever you're into.
491
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,200
That's called having a kink, okay?
492
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,920
If you think everyone's beautiful,
congratulations.
493
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:28,960
You've got a kink.
494
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,760
Maybe, maybe you think
all accents are beautiful, right?
495
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:36,600
Maybe like, you know, the
South African accent is very sexy.
496
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,960
It is a very attractive accent.
497
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,840
It just makes your panties
drop right off you.
498
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:48,440
Feeling lonely?
Looking for that special someone?
499
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:53,160
At Exotic Passions we have beautiful
women from all around the globe
500
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,800
to satiate your every desire.
501
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,440
Ciao, bello.
502
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,160
For 8.99 a minute,
503
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,440
I'll let you have a slice
of my homemade pizza pie.
504
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,360
Delizioso.
505
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,800
So, who do you want to talk to?
506
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,160
Oh, hello.
507
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,600
I'm Penelope.
508
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,400
I'm your buxom British babe
from across the pond.
509
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:18,960
And for 5.99 a minute,
you could be my Big Ben.
510
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,800
And for the more budget-conscious
gentlemen,
511
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:26,440
we also have this very, very cheap
South African lady.
512
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,440
Yeah.
No, I'm currently naked right now.
513
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,640
Yeah.
Full bush out, nipples on high beam.
514
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,440
I'm absolutely stinging for a fuck.
515
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:36,720
Are you horny?
516
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,000
Oh, no, I said, are you horny?
517
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,400
Yeah, like a rhino.
518
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,840
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
519
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,560
Me too.
520
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,240
I'm Tiffany.
521
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,760
Call me now for 7.99 a minute.
522
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,520
I'm looking for a stallion to ride
all night long.
523
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:59,240
And for an extra dollar, you can have
both of us in a three-way,
524
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,040
and we'll be bopping your willy
around
525
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:06,760
like two cheetahs on a half-dead
springbok out in the desert.
526
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,960
Pick up the phone
and call 1-900-PASSIONS
527
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,880
to talk to beautiful women
from all around the world.
528
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,760
Or this bitch.
529
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,760
Oh, man.
530
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,400
I'm riding you so hard right now.
531
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,800
And you're charging at me
like a hippo.
532
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,200
And it is wet season in the savannah.
533
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,800
Now, you're hard
like a cricket wicket, man.
534
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,480
You're long and skinny.
535
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,920
With a bit of grass
coming through the sides.
536
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,560
Don't you finish.
537
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,080
Oh, shame, man.
538
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,400
Okay, bye.
539
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,600
Don't wait.
540
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,520
Call 1-900-PASSIONS right now
541
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,600
and all your fantasies
will come true.
542
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,160
But don't call me
for the next 45 minutes.
543
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,160
I'm on lunch.
544
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,600
This biltong
is real hard to chew through.
545
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,760
So, who do you want to talk to?
546
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,520
Hey, do you know
the world's sexiest accents,
547
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,000
they rank them every year?
548
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,240
Did you know that?
549
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:03,080
Do you want to guess the sexiest
accent in the world right now?
550
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:04,440
MAN: Kiwi!
That's right.
551
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:05,440
Kiwi accent.
552
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,560
Doesn't that
just fucking blow up your arse?
553
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,760
A Kiwi accent is number one.
554
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,840
Do you want to guess
what's number two?
555
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:13,960
WOMAN: South African.
556
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,240
South African.
557
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,840
That's right.
558
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,360
Australia comes in at number five.
559
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:22,920
So, I've got a hybrid
of all three of those.
560
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,840
Honestly, I'm amazed.
561
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,200
While I'm talking,
if you just listen,
562
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,600
you can hear the knickers
just drop around the room.
563
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,880
She's a full-time job.
564
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,920
"Just go and pull that up.
Put that back in."
565
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,720
All right,
thank you so much for coming.
566
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,160
You guys have been amazing.
567
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:40,440
Thank you.
568
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,000
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
569
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,800
It's Melanie!
570
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,360
This biltong
is real hard to chew through.
571
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,200
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS)
572
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,520
Hello, my name's Christelle.
573
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:54,840
And for an extra dollar...
574
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:55,960
(LAUGHS)
MAN: Cut.
575
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,320
And for an extra dollar...
576
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,680
I can do it.
577
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,440
And for an extra dollar...
578
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,680
Is everyone horny?
579
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,200
(LAUGHTER)
580
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:12,800
(LAUGHS)
581
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,880
MAN: Someone's never had
a sip of liquid in their life.
582
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,160
(LAUGHTER)
583
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,200
What part of me is real wet?
584
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,360
My armpits.
585
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,160
My armpits, my butt crack.
586
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,680
It's so hot in here.
587
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,120
We haven't got
the air conditioning fixed.
588
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,240
You don't know the ha...
Hello?
589
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,320
No, I'm just sitting here
playing with my left nipple.
590
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,280
Yeah, she's a lot more sensitive
than the other one.
591
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,520
The other one I slammed in a car door
when I was little.
592
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,000
Captions by Red Bee Media
593
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,960
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
41888
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