Original subtitles

Hello?

Urzila?

Kids, shut up! Shh, shh, shh!

Are you home?

Yoo-hoo!

Someone find Mummy's pants!

Where are your nightgowns?

Who put this shit on the wall?

What? What's the emergency?

Did someone die?

I just thought I'd pop by.

Pop by?

Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.

This house is a mess.

I'm not going to let you see my filth.

I bet you're one of those tidy house psychos.

What are you hiding, huh?

What kind of Fritzl situation is going on at your place?

Can I just use your bathroom?

No, we don't have one.

Oh.

Yeah, we're free wee-ers now.

It's better for the environment.

Just go wee over there.

Ew, grub.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, ho, ho!

You are on fire!

Oh, my God!

Honestly, you make my tits perk up, and nothing does that.

Can I just say, as a 50-year-old woman,

do you know the hardest part of my day these days?

And you go, "Is it menopause?"

No, it's lining up my nipples.

Like initially, like in my 40s, it was once a day.

I'd put the bra on.

I'd line the girls up.

I'd go, "I'm good to go."

Now they go...

(SQUEAKS)

They're wilting like celery in Brisbane.

They just can't do it.

Then you talk to younger women, you know, whose skins still fit.

They go, "It's so embarrassing.

"Today, I went to work and I forgot to put on a bra."

They go, "I didn't even notice.

"Still I went for morning tea, made a cup of tea.

"When I opened the fridge, my nipples just went ding!"

I was like, "Yeah, I weirdly had a very similar experience this week.

"Forgot to put a bra on,

"went to make a cup of tea and slammed my tits in the drawer."

Yeah.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Very similar story.

My nipples also went ding doong!

Honestly, the stuff we go through as women with our boobs is crazy.

I can't believe the technology's not really changed.

You know, the fight we have with our underwire is insane.

Insane.

Like you go throughout the day

and you never know when that thing's coming out.

You're just at work, you're working.

Three o'clock, you turn to look at your work wife

and you're like, "Oh, I can't."

And you know, you go, "Oh, I think I may have had a stroke or something.

"I can't turn my... Oh, no, it's the underwire.

"It's out.

"The underwire crept out."

No one had said anything to you.

And you know that thing didn't just go... phoo!

It didn't just pop out.

It slowly, incrementally,

quarter millimetre by a quarter millimetre was creeping out.

You've been dealing with clients all day.

You've been talking to your friends.

Not one of them have gone,

"Hey, babes, your mechanical tit is unravelling."

Do you know, that's how it changes.

You go, how has your life changed as you've gotten older?

I've got a lot more confidence

and I went from a double D to a 38 long.

All right.

I'm looking for the owner of a 10 DD grey granny bra

with underwire issues, 2017 model.

That's me. Come on.

All right.

Pop the hood.

Yay. Hey!

Old lady, I haven't seen one of these in years.

Yeah, it's vintage.

No, it's a shitbox is what it is.

You should have come to see me ages ago.

What the hell?

It's got an antenna.

You can catch talkback radio on this.

Oh, I'm a racist bastard. (LAUGHS)

But we could just take the underwire out and then it should be fine.

If we take the underwire, that right tit is going to come right down

and by Wednesday, you're just drop-kicking it on the pavement.

I don't want that.

No one wants that.

What we're going to do is I'm going to go ahead

and put it back in for you, okay?

Yeah.

Just don't scream.

Okay. Oh, God!

She's in.

That feels so much better.

So much better.

Thank you for your work.

Oh, we're not done.

We're not done?

No, no. Look, the suspension on this thing is munted.

Look at that, look at that.

Diff is going to be dragging on that thing.

It's got no shocks left in it. Okay.

Do you get a lot of tit poppages on that?

Oh, sometimes if I stop suddenly.

Yeah, it's because your brakes aren't right.

I'll tell you what.

She's a big job.

The rims are all bent up.

Leave her with me for a couple of days.

I'll give you one of these courtesy bras.

Maybe that sporty one.

No, I can't wear that.

And I need this done now.

I need it now.

(SIGHS)

Hop up.

Let me have a look underneath.

Alrighty-roo.

Shall we?

Okay.

Good news, bad news.

You're getting new lace.

Yeah, just do it, just do it.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Sure you know what you're doing down there?

I'm going to need a hammer.

Oh, wow.

Got it.

This should lift those girls up.

Oh, no, I've hit the milk tank.

Oh, sorry. I'm lactating. I should have said.

It's all right.

It happens all the time.

Don't worry about it.

That was a messy job, mate.

Like, I haven't smelled like custard for days.

I mean, it's much better, so thank you.

There you go.

$1,455.

That seems like a lot.

Oh, hi, Mum.

What's the damage?

Well...

New underwires, 15mm straps, D-cup repadding.

Well, going off this month's spotlight catalogue, I'd say $17.70.

Yeah, and labour, though.

Like 10 minutes.

$17.70, is it?

Thanks, Mum.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Don't hurry back.

Next!

It's been 28 days since the virus spread -

what many are calling a Karendemic.

She spat in my son's face.

I'm notifying the authorities!

And... well, look at him.

You have no right to film me.

That's it.

If you film me, I'll film you.

(CRIES)

The Australian military has finally captured the first of the infected,

Karen Zero.

(YELLS INDISTINCTLY)

Scientists hoping her DNA

may provide a cure to this horrifying plague.

Karen, Karen, Karen, can you hear us?

Karen, Karen!

Yes, I'm asleep, not dead.

Use your inside voice.

Can you understand what we're saying?

Yes, I speak English.

This is an English-speaking country the last time I checked.

Although before you know it, we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.

Because they won't stop letting those people in.

We only have until midnight to secure a DNA sample.

It's the only way to create a cure.

OK, Karen, I'm going to get a strand of your hair now, OK?

Hey, hey, hey.

The only people I let touch my blunt bob is Fernando, my stylist.

And me, when I have to fix his cock-ups.

You're not touching my blunt bob.

We're running out of time.

I'm going to get a skin scraping.

Good luck.

I've had more sunbeds than you've had hot meals.

Don't you know you're ruining the world?

You're evil!

And you're rude, Missy.

I'm going to make you really famous on my Facebook community page.

We need to get a blood sample.

Excuse me, are you even a qualified phlebotomist?

I'm going to need a man for this job, please.

And you're not putting that on me!

Ah, I don't even get vaccinated.

You don't know what's in that.

I do all my own research.

Get off me.

There are 443,000 Karens on this planet because of you.

And that number is increasing minute by minute.

It's OK.

I'll talk to the supervisor.

There is no supervisor.

I'll talk to the manager then.

There is no manager either.

So who's in charge of these Karens then?

You are the first Karen who started the virus.

So what does that mean?

I guess it means the supervisor... is you.

I want to talk to the supervisor.

I am the supervisor.

I have to speak to myself?

What?

You can't talk to me like that.

I pay my taxes.

I know my rights.

I've been a customer here for years.

You can't park there.

Don't film.

I will film you.

Why don't you go back to where you came from?

SPEAK ENGLISH!

Is she dead?

I think so.

We may win this war yet!

Oh, this place is filthy.

How long are you going to let the blood lie here?

Who's in charge of mopping these floors?

This is a safe thing to show.

You know, we are in here because we all have something in common.

We all love comedy

and very sexy lesbians.

No, you know, that's what brings people together.

The things we have in common.

We think it's sport, but it's a lot more simple than that.

We have very simple things.

It's like if you drive a car, you own a car, you pick your nose

in the car, and you flick the snot in the passenger footwell.

AUDIENCE: Eww!

Don't you 'eww' me.

I will go lock down that car park next to this building, and I will

get us someone to take a blue light through all of your cars.

That passenger footwell will light up like a Smurf's anus.

You know it.

You know when you're driving...

Well, you're not going to eat it, you animal.

I mean, on a nice day when the window's open,

you biff it out the window.

But otherwise, it goes in the passenger footwell.

You also don't want to roll the car and then have to explain to people

it's because you were picking your nose.

We all... that's the stuff that bring us together.

The little things that get on our nerves

are the little things that we do.

Like we all drink box wine.

You know?

And I know, so if you're fancy and you go, "Well, I have never."

Well, if you've never had box wine,

then you've never asked for the house wine at a restaurant.

That's a fact.

You think they get that stuff out of the good bottle?

Dream on, my friend.

They don't.

That stuff comes straight out of a bag.

How handy are those bags at the end?

You can float on them down a river.

You use them as a pillow.

The kids are playing with them.

You're basically a good parent if you have that.

This is actually one of my personal favourites.

Mm.

(SPITS) What fresh hell is that?

Oh, somebody knows their box wines.

(LAUGHS) Oh, well.

Now, this one you can actually drink immediately.

But we do recommend that you cellar it for 10 to 12 minutes.

Any longer and it's going to burn a hole

right through your stomach lining.

That is acrid.

It's stinging my eyes.

Also, I'd like you to try a new one.

It's going to take you on a bit of a journey.

So, pay attention to the notes in it and tell me what you taste.

Beautiful colour.

Alright.

That tastes like my mouth stubbed its toe.

I can already taste what it would be like

to throw this up in the back of an Uber.

Oh, yeah.

It's quite acidic.

Almost urine-like.

Yeah, it's the piss.

Real piss?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is directly from our Felix filtration system.

Go, buddy!

It is a strong stream.

Yeah, it reeks.

He's got three kidneys.

Amazing.

He's a gift. Yeah. Wow.

It gives a depth of flavour to the wine

that you're just not going to find in any other box wine.

(BURPS)

Actually, I wouldn't mind trying some of these others if I could.

Mucky Pond Scum, Deodorant, Analacage?

No, Anal Leakage.

It's English. Yeah.

Anal Leakage. Anal Leakage.

Okay. Yeah.

How do I pronounce this last one?

Spew.

Spew. Spew.

Spew. Yeah.

Spew. Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to taste the Spew.

Of course. It's actually part of our tasting flight.

Wow! Wow!

Thank you. Fancy.

If it lands on you, you must drink every last drop of it.

The last drop.

Oh! The whole thing.

You ready?

Yes, okay, let's do it.

Alright, good luck. (SQUEALS)

Yay!

Whoo!

Ohh...

Hey!

Yay!

# Here's to Sally, she's true blue

# She's a pisspot through and through

# She's a bastard, so they say

# Johnny got out but you went the other way. #

Down! Down! Down!

Down! Down!

Down!

Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Down!

Yay! Yay!

It's nutty.

Like ballsacky.

I really wouldn't know.

Alright, off you go, Jack.

Go find someone to play with.

Oh, cool, there's Oscar.

Yeah, yeah, he's definitely there.

But also there's Axel.

Go and play with Axel.

I think I'll go play with Oscar.

You and I have to have a little chat, okay, buddy?

Whoever you choose to be friends with,

I have to be friends with their mums,

and I cannot do that, okay?

So go play with Axel.

What's wrong with Oscar?

Oscar's class captain.

So you know his mum runs half marathons.

She's going to want to chat to me about intermittent fasting,

and there's about 4,000 recipes for chia pudding.

I cannot do another chia pudding, okay? I'll have a blowout.

But look at Axel's mum.

She's vaping. I like her.

Do you see how she doesn't have orthopaedic sneakers on?

It's because she's cool.

And cool parents have cool kids.

So please, go play with Axel.

But isn't Axel a bad kid?

What do you mean?

Look at him. He's eradicating ants.

You hate ants - the insects and the movie.

But Oscar looks like he's having fun too.

Oscar's picking up other people's trash, okay?

So you know his mum has a keep cup

and some hot opinions about vegetarianism.

I'm not getting involved in that.

I thought you said bullying was wrong.

What bullying?

He's teaching younger kids to be resilient, baby.

They need that.

I don't know, Mum.

Oscar's really smart.

As is Axel.

Look at him.

He's selling...

He's selling sherbet to kids.

What a good kid. He's a little entrepreneur.

I don't think that's sherbet, Mum.

Please, think of me just for once, okay?

And go and play with the evil kid.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hello. Hi, yeah, good. Yep.

Kids, eh?

They just get up to the darndest things.

Oh, I know.

I would kill for a kid like Axel.

He's just...

Wait, you're not Axel's mum?

Oh, I wish.

Get this.

I tried to get Oscar to sell pingers in the playground the other day

and he said, "No, I'd rather do origami."

I'm so embarrassed.

Wait, so who's Axel's mum?

Oh, you do not want to know.

Yoo-hoo!

That's not her? Ooh, yeah.

Hi. How are we?

Oh my God, look, Axel's made a friend.

Hit it, hit it, hit it harder.

Looks like we're going to be besties.

Mm!

Have you heard of intermittent fasting?

Honestly, I just broke my fast

with this amazing turmeric chai chia pudding.

Hey, that is too big for anything.

That and that.

Jack, let's go.

Your kid is a bad influence on my child and should be in prison.

So should you.

You're going to have a blowout, by the way.

Can you please give this to Axel

and tell him I'm good for the next one.

Axel, darling, I said no dealing in the playground.

You're not listening to Mummy.

Listen, can I just say, you know,

we live in this world now where it is what it is, right?

We're burning it to the ground,

but at least we're more aware of each other

and we know that everyone is beautiful.

That's not true, is it?

Oh, you know, when people go, "Everyone's opinions count.

"Everyone has valid, valid opinions and everyone is beautiful."

I go, "No, they're not."

I have seen some dogs in my time.

I know.

And I know right now you're going, "This is...

"Am I allowed to..."

I want you to quickly transport yourself

out of your own Facebook community page

and what you would say online

to put you and your friend in a mall.

Let's create a scenario, shall we?

Let's, for instance, say we're all in the mall, okay?

We're out of this theatre, we're in the mall.

Me with this body right now in a black mini skirt,

a leather one, okay?

You're there with your best friend.

You two see me walking.

Yeah, that what you're doing right now.

You know, you fucking know...

You don't think you've got a mean bone in your body. All right.

Let's amp it up a little bit, shall we?

We're in the mall.

I'm in my black mini skirt and we're all going up the escalator, okay?

Now you're with me.

I'm a few steps ahead of you.

Then your friend, you want to tell your friend something,

so you look right up my clacker.

Now you've got pink eye.

Is it still beautiful?

Is it still beautiful? (LAUGHS)

If you honestly believe that every person is beautiful,

you've never been on public transport.

You have not, because that is an assault on your eyeballs

and quite frankly, all of your senses, okay?

I'm not saying we're not all beautiful.

Like, you may find something sexy, right?

What's sexy to you is not necessarily sexy to me.

All I'm saying is,

like, not all beautiful things are sexy

or not all sexy things are beautiful.

We're not here to yuck your yum, whatever you're into.

That's called having a kink, okay?

If you think everyone's beautiful, congratulations.

You've got a kink.

Maybe, maybe you think all accents are beautiful, right?

Maybe like, you know, the South African accent is very sexy.

It is a very attractive accent.

It just makes your panties drop right off you.

Feeling lonely? Looking for that special someone?

At Exotic Passions we have beautiful women from all around the globe

to satiate your every desire.

Ciao, bello.

For 8.99 a minute,

I'll let you have a slice of my homemade pizza pie.

Delizioso.

So, who do you want to talk to?

Oh, hello.

I'm Penelope.

I'm your buxom British babe from across the pond.

And for 5.99 a minute, you could be my Big Ben.

And for the more budget-conscious gentlemen,

we also have this very, very cheap South African lady.

Yeah. No, I'm currently naked right now.

Yeah. Full bush out, nipples on high beam.

I'm absolutely stinging for a fuck.

Are you horny?

Oh, no, I said, are you horny?

Yeah, like a rhino.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Me too.

I'm Tiffany.

Call me now for 7.99 a minute.

I'm looking for a stallion to ride all night long.

And for an extra dollar, you can have both of us in a three-way,

and we'll be bopping your willy around

like two cheetahs on a half-dead springbok out in the desert.

Pick up the phone and call 1-900-PASSIONS

to talk to beautiful women from all around the world.

Or this bitch.

Oh, man.

I'm riding you so hard right now.

And you're charging at me like a hippo.

And it is wet season in the savannah.

Now, you're hard like a cricket wicket, man.

You're long and skinny.

With a bit of grass coming through the sides.

Don't you finish.

Oh, shame, man.

Okay, bye.

Don't wait.

Call 1-900-PASSIONS right now

and all your fantasies will come true.

But don't call me for the next 45 minutes.

I'm on lunch.

This biltong is real hard to chew through.

So, who do you want to talk to?

Hey, do you know the world's sexiest accents,

they rank them every year?

Did you know that?

Do you want to guess the sexiest accent in the world right now?

MAN: Kiwi! That's right.

Kiwi accent.

Doesn't that just fucking blow up your arse?

A Kiwi accent is number one.

Do you want to guess what's number two?

WOMAN: South African.

South African.

That's right.

Australia comes in at number five.

So, I've got a hybrid of all three of those.

Honestly, I'm amazed.

While I'm talking, if you just listen,

you can hear the knickers just drop around the room.

She's a full-time job.

"Just go and pull that up. Put that back in."

All right, thank you so much for coming.

You guys have been amazing.

Thank you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It's Melanie!

This biltong is real hard to chew through.

(SNORTS) (LAUGHS)

Hello, my name's Christelle.

And for an extra dollar...

(LAUGHS) MAN: Cut.

And for an extra dollar...

I can do it.

And for an extra dollar...

Is everyone horny?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

MAN: Someone's never had a sip of liquid in their life.

(LAUGHTER)

What part of me is real wet?

My armpits.

My armpits, my butt crack.

It's so hot in here.

We haven't got the air conditioning fixed.

You don't know the ha... Hello?

No, I'm just sitting here playing with my left nipple.

Yeah, she's a lot more sensitive than the other one.

The other one I slammed in a car door when I was little.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation