All language subtitles for Urzila.S01E01.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-WH_track3_[eng]

MAN: I like it.

(SNEEZES)

Bless you.
I'm not Christian.

I'm not an ordained priest or
anything. I was just being polite.

I'm the one with snot all over me

because you don't know how
to cover your head hole.

Not a Christian? No, you're a...

Oh.

Well, at least now you know
I'm not a Christian either.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Yeah.

You're a good-looking crowd.

Welcome to Urzila.

Um, this might come as
no big surprise, but I...

I get a bit worked up when people
say unnecessary shit to me.

I don't know if you're the same.

Like anything can tip me over
the edge.

Like, you know, when you go to pay
with your card

and when you go to tap,

there's always some 12 year old
with milk around the mouth that goes,

"Um, it's not there.
You got to tap on the side."

You go, "Shut the fuck up."

I would have figured it out.
The machine is this big.

I would tap everywhere.

I'll tap you on the forehead
a couple of times.

How about that? How about that?
You like that?

But then I also I'm the first one
to put my hand up and say,

"Yeah, I do suffer from
early-onset Karen."

Do you ever watch those videos
and go, "I don't see a problem here."

We have to go check the comments to
see what this poor bitch did wrong.

Honestly, I am with those women.

I am with those women 100%

till they get to the homophobia
and the racism.

And I'm like, "OK, I'm out.
You're on your own, you weirdo.

"Cool haircut, though."

You forgot your father's ears.

OK, we've got your test results.
Please sit down.

No, I'm good. I prefer standing.

These are pretty serious results.

Come on, honey, sit down.

No, and you cannot force me.
It's against my will.

And it goes against the
Geneva Convention. I know my rights.

OK, suit yourself.
Firstly, how are the symptoms?

Well, well...
Excuse me.

None of your business.
It's a privacy issue.

As you can see, she's gotten worse.
Lots of anger, public outbursts.

We've been arguing
with a lot of waiters lately.

I know, I've seen the videos online.

It's just menopause. Move on.

I'm afraid it's much
more serious than menopause.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but
you've contracted early-onset Karen.

No.
Oh, no. How is this possible?

I'm afraid the results
are conclusive.

Well, I'll tell you what,
I want to talk to your supervisor.

How long do we have?
Not long, I'm afraid.

As you can see, the virus
has already spread throughout

Urzila's internal organs.

That's a mess.

Well, this is all fine and dandy,

but I don't recognise you as
an authority to diagnose me.

Look, we did your ancestry,

and it turns out you come from
a very long line of Karens.

Look.

What is this?

Why are these women all so beautiful
but also crazy?

No.

Is this me? Is this my future?
What happened to them?

What will happen to me? Oh.

They're so beautiful.
Robust but beautiful.

I'm normal!

This is impossible!
I don't understand what's happening.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God.

(CRIES UNCONTROLLABLY)

(GASPS)

Should I be wearing
a mask or something?

You should be fine.

We haven't seen the disease mutate,

which is lucky
because currently there's no cure.

You have to do something.
Yeah.

Give me something right now.
OK, take this number.

Is this for a specialist?
No. That's for the local council.

You'll be calling them a lot
to complain about the garbage man.

Even better. Thanks.

You know, who knows?
Maybe I can fight this, you know?

I don't feel so bad, you know?

Don't worry.
We'll get you through this.

Oh, nice ollie.
Thanks, lady.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well done you.

Oi, can't you read?
It says no skateboarding.

There are children who play in
this area. Somebody could get hurt.

(ANGRY INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Sorry, she's... She's on her period.
No, I'm not.

I should have punched him
in the head.

It's not too late.

(SCREAMS)

Ten grand.

Alright, donkey dicks,

I need a mainstream TV idea

that families can watch together
and that advertisers will love,

but more importantly, will keep
the cashola in my pocket

and you pack of whores
off the stripper pole.

So hit me with your ideas.
What have you got?

Um, I've got one.

The Skin I was Born In,

a heartfelt and honest documentary
about body image

and beauty standards
in today's society.

We follow these brave souls on
their journey towards acceptance.

Wow, a show about fat people.
I love it.

Well, yeah, it's more
a show about body image.

Fat Fuck Island.
Yes.

I love it, boss.
Talk us through the idea.

OK, so fat people on an island
and potentially they fuck.

Oh, that's genius.
Yeah.

They would.
They would do that.

They'll try. There's a lot of gut.

Could be part of their contract.
Yeah.

Must fuck.
Yeah, I mean, I...

Or we take 'em out in the country.
Fat farmer Wants a Fat Wife.

Oh, that's great.

I think that's straying
quite far from my...

Wait, wait, wait. I've got more.

She's cooking now.
Not done.

Married at Fat Sight.

You don't know who's coming,
but you can hear 'em.

(THUDDING STEPS)
Oh!

Fat Ninja Warrior.
Oh, my God.

Trying to hold onto a rope,
am I right?

Oh.
The Fat Singer.

Who is it?
They all sing opera.

OK, RuPaul's Fat Race.
The Great British Fat Off.

Having people rolling around.
Fat Guy For A Queer Guy.

Dumpy. Kind of dumpy. Kind of...
Like just...

Fat.

See, I think we've gone
a little bit...

Oh, I've got it.
Fatty Fatty Fight Club.

OK, hear me out. We put a whole
bunch of fatties together.

All the weight
that they lose go into a tank, OK?

And then once a week, we get two
of these jumbos to fight each other.

And then the winner
gets to eat cake,

of course, and the loser
goes into the fat tank.

Fat Tank Friday.
Yes, yes, yes.

I love it, I love it. Honestly,
Trish, this was remarkable.

Well done.
Well done.

This isn't my idea.
That's... That's your idea.

This is your idea.
I just punched it up.

Yeah.
A little bit.

I was talking about a wholesome
documentary to do with body image.

Yeah, and this has all of that.
Plus it has fighting and a fat tank.

That's right. You should be proud
of yourself. Take this moment, OK?

Do you have any other amazing ideas,
Trish?

What about at the end,

if there's a ball pit filled
with pudding and they have to...

They have to eat their way out.

Because they're fat.

I'm so sorry
that you had to hear that.

Shouldn't have said that, Trish.
What?

It's too much.
It's too much, Trish.

I mean, she said way worse than...
Because I can.

Because you're fat?
Trish, what the?

Because it is my lived experience.
I have that bra extension.

You don't see me pitching
ideas on your trauma, do you?

I'm not out here going,
"Hey, guys,

"how about we make a TV show
about an ugly, skinny, hairy bitch?"

Oh.

There might be something in that,
boss. I think that idea has legs.

Yes, ugly, skinny, hairy legs.
Write it down.

Yes, yes.
Write it down.

Tricia's legs.
Hairy.

And barren.
Barren.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

I guess don't mess with me in a
meeting. That's all I'm saying.

Can we just step to
a more serious side?

I do want to talk to you
about your health.

Specifically mammograms, alright?
Now, ladies, we got them titties.

And, you know,
you have to make...

Like, I'm not judging them.
That's not why we're here.

I'm not going to get you
to flop them out

unless you're completely comfortable
with that.

No? OK. Just checking. It's
worth checking. It's worth checking.

Just run that past you, alright?
No, men...

I don't know if you know this,
but men can get breast cancer, too.

This isn't a joke. Like it's true.
Men can get breast cancer.

A lot of men don't know that.

So, boys, tomorrow morning
when you're in the shower,

just for a split second,

take your hand off your dick
and just feel.

Just feel that everything's
alright there, OK?

And you know what?

While you're going to the doctor
for a mammogram,

why don't you get yourself
a little smear?

And I know that is not
high on the popularity scale

things to do at the doctor's.

You know, you go in
and they always go,

"Just take your clothes off
and put the robe on.

"I'll just wait outside for you."

I'm like, "No, stay.

"Why would you go out?
Just stay here.

"Plus, I don't take my clothes
off any more.

I go, "No, you're right.

"I'll just pull my knickers
to the side for you."

I go, "Chuck it in.
Trust me, it'll fit."

If your doctor's not comfortable
with that, then respect them and say,

"Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll lower myself down on it."

Alrighty, let's take a good look
down there, see what's going on.

Are you feeling OK?

No, I feel like you're
about to shuck my oyster.

Right, well,
you might feel some pressure.

You just scream out if it feels
too uncomfortable at any point.

OK.
OK, well, in we go.

Oh.

What? What's wrong?

That's interesting?
What's interesting?

Huh?

You have, in my personal
and professional experience,

the smallest vagina I've ever seen.

Is it?
Tiny.

Oh, my gosh.
And quite frankly, petite.

That's amazing. I didn't think
I was gonna hear that today.

Can I get a second opinion on this?

I'd love it.
This is gonna make Mark's day.

Hey, Mark. It's one for the books.
It's the best day ever.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Oh, look, the whole gang's here.

I should have sold tickets
to the show.

It's extraordinary.

I know.
I've never seen anything like it.

It's quite remarkable.
Oh, thank you.

What do you think?

That is officially
the smallest pussy on record.

Oh, my go-

Well done.
Mine's... Mine's huge.

Yeah. No, it is, massive.

I can hear it.
It sounds like the ocean.

Emergency, excuse me.
I've got London on the line.

Hi, London.

Good lord.
Thank you, London.

Tell Big Ben it's a no.
(BELLS CHIME)

Old fisherman. What do you think?

It's so small,
I'd kiss it, throw it back.

Has anyone actually measured it?

It's flawless.
D-Color, I-F clarity.

But with a brilliance
and sparkle beyond its weight.

Wow. What do you think, designer
of toys with many small moving parts?

It's basically a choking hazard.

Oh, better keep Pinocchio out of
there. If that boy tells one lie.

This is honestly the best day
of my entire life.

Right, well,
now let's check the anus.

Oh. We don't need to do that.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Guys, it only looks big
because my vagina is so small.

I like your hair like this.
Thank you, bubby.

Mmm. Look at this gorgeous work.

OK, lovebirds, welcome
to your wedding cake tasting.

Bon appetit.
Oh, my gosh.

I've been waiting for this day for
longer than the actual wedding date.

Gosh, you know,
cake is my everything.

Should we?
Yes, let's do it.

Mmm. Mmm.

That is to die for.
The best. Oh, wow.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

It has been a privilege to bake
for such a beautiful couple.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

But now for my favourite part,
the wedding cake toppers.

Oh, my God.
I didn't sleep last night.

OK, first up,
we have the lovely Lisa.

Oh, my God. Wow.
Oh, my gosh, I love it.

And, also, do you recognise
that's your mum's wedding dress.

Baby, did you do that for me?
I did do that.

Making this was like carving
the Venus de Milo.

Oh.

Thank you. Oh, my God.
Now your bride.

I'm so nervous now.
Don't be nervous.

I am.
We have Urzila.

What is this? Why is it so heavy?
Is this thing made from lead?

This is hideous. This thing is
the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

It should be living under a bridge
and not be on top of a cake.

Look, I think she looks beautiful.

There's nothing in this
that looks like me.

Well...
This thing's got lopsided tits.

That's not me.
Hey, I love your lopsided tits.

Look at the butt on this thing.

Kim Kardashian on this side,
Paris Hilton on this side.

It looks like a bulldog
and a chihuahua trapped in a bag.

And why is this nose this size?
It's like half the face is nose.

And what is this white stuff
in the front here?

Did a seagull shit on it
before you brought it out?

This is hideous.

OK, alright. Now, listen,
I've never once had a complaint.

Well, allow me to be the first.

Now I have made a back-up.
Would you like to see it?

Yeah, thanks.
OK.

Fantastic.

I think you're gonna like this one
a little bit more.

Oh.
What do you think of that?

We think that's you.
I wouldn't have thought so.

It's got the hat.
It's got the apron.

It's even holding another little
cake topper in its cake topper hand.

Oh, would you look at that.
So it is.

Let's just see
what it looks like there.

I think we can work with this.

Are you trying to muscle in
on my marriage?

Oh, I see what's happening.
You want to steal my bride?

Take it, have it. Live your lives
and I will steal your cake.

You can't steal something
you've already bought.

(CRASH!)

Oh, babe.

I can see it now.
Enjoy each other.

We'll leave.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Did you guys watch the Poo Cruise?
Listen.

(CLEARS THROAT AND WHIMPERS)

My heart, when people say,
"You should do a comedy cruise."

I would rather run full speed
into a fucking wood chipper.

Why would you risk going on a cruise
when the possibility exists

that a crew member will hand you
a bag and go,

"Henceforth, you'll be shitting
in that."

No, thanks.

I watched
that poo cruise thing,

and even if you haven't watched it,
you can figure it out.

Poo Cruise.

It's like you didn't have
to watch two girls, one cup,

you just know it's gross.

So the thing that
disappointed me the most about

that poo cruise documentary is
the fact that no one butch lesbian

took control of that ship and went,
"Oi, no-one's shitting in a bag, OK?

"We're all going
to be shitting over starboard.

"If you need to go for a shit,

"just hang your arse
over the side of the ship.

"It's a little trust exercise
with your partner.

"They will hold your hands as you're
shitting over the side of the ship.

"And just watch your mouth.

"Don't be saying stuff like,
'you're just like your mother'."

One of my biggest passions in life
is crime documentaries.

Who loves a good crime documentary?
Yes.

How good? Do you hear
how that's a lot of women?

I think it was even with me,

like I am slowly planning
the perfect murder.

I reckon I'm about this far away
from nailing it.

I just need to figure out a way
to get my mother-in-law

to my house without a paper trail
to me.

I'm kidding. She's dead. Um...

Just to me. She's still alive
to other people. She's dead to me.

I got a job.
Classic smash and grab bank heist.

And to pull it off,
we need an elite team.

That's why I brought all you here.

Leo, best safecracker in the game.

I get in, I get out like a ninja.

Like a ninja.

Parker, weapon specialist.

Anyone gets in my way...

..I get in theirs.

Wheels, getaway driver.

The Kane brothers, muscle.

And, lastly,
the brains of the operation.

This is Urzila.

Hello, boys. How's it going?

Who the hell is this?
I've never heard of no Urzila.

Oh, I'm the mastermind of
the operation. Popcorn, anyone?

What makes you think
you're the mastermind?

Simple. I've watched every single
true crime documentary ever made.

So I know how to get away
with every crime.

Bullshit. You can't have seen them
all. I mean, there's far too many.

Mate, I'm a stay-at-home mum. I
watch it while I'm doing my chores.

Tell them what you know, Urz.

I know how to rob banks

and boost diamonds
and swindle women on Tinder.

I know how to lead cults
and run pyramid schemes

and kill people on staircases,
you name it.

I had her consult on the London job.

Didn't those guys get caught?

Yeah, but they wouldn't have

if they'd use their left hands
to write the ransom note.

Got that one from The Jinx.
It's my favourite.

Urzila knows everything that's gonna
happen before it even happens.

That's right.
Oh, prove it.

Easy.

Usually on a heist like this,
the day before,

one of the members just up
and leave without explanation.

You know what? The hell with this.
I'm out of here.

Told you. And then someone
in the team will just turn up dead.

And the murderer is usually
someone you would least expect.

Like a male family member.
It was him.

Oh, God, she's good.
Good? We just lost three of our men.

Who's gonna be our muscle?
Who's gonna drive us?

Bigger worry, who's the rat?

ALL: Rat?
Rat?

Well, on a tight group like this,
one of you is normally a narc.

And in this group, I'm gonna say...

..it's you.

What?
Parker?

Say it isn't so.

I don't know
what she's talking about.

Hey, he's a cop.
What? Really?

Oh, I know what it looks like.

(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

Oh.

Oh!

Cover's blown. Send back-up.

Really, Parker, how could you?
I'm sorry.

I knew that was gonna happen.

Right, so I've killed a cop.
Any advice?

Well, try not to leave
any DNA at the scene.

And whatever you do,

do not go on a true crime doco
and accidentally confess.

So embarrassing.
Thanks, Urz. You're the best.

Got you, babe.

What are you doing, Leo?

Parker was my friend
and my lover.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say,

usually in one of these things,
someone always falls in love.

Why didn't you say something?

Are you kidding?
This is the best part.

Put your gun down, Leo.

You put the gun down, Big Dan.

Oh, my gosh.
Best crime and wine night ever.

It's pretty exciting. God,
I could kill for a finger bang.

I'll tell you what,

if one of these boys is still alive,
it'll be a whole different night.

Alright, well, I guess
what we can take away from this

is make sure you get your check-ups.

Go to the doctor,
go talk to your doctor.

But also make sure
it's not a creepy doctor

that'll bring 40 people in
to look at your clacker.

But I must go now

because I have to hop on a cruise
so I can go join Fat Fuck Island.

You guys have been
absolutely amazing. Good night.

That's interesting.
What?

You... (SNIFFS) ..and I apologise if
this is coming on a bit forward...

What's that?

(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

It's the number one thing,
don't sniff the glove.

Now for the cake toppers.
Yes.

First things first.
Oh, I love the box even.

Cake toppers?
Yes.

I even like the box.

We've heard.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Next up, Urzila.

Oh, my...

Sorry, I hate myself.
I hate you, too.

Urzila.
Oh, my God, stop it!

It has been a privilege to bake.

I would like the privilege
of baking.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation