All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E05.720p.BluRay.X264-REWARD

Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today?

Whoa! Lotta new flavours.

Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,
so he wanted to give you all a little treat.

I recommend "Full Cell phone Battery."

Whoa.

It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone was fully charged.

Oh, I'm so relaxed!

But they all look good.

This might take me a while.

You know what, Gunnar?
Uh, why don't you go ahead?

Thanks so much, Eleanor.

Mm-hmm.
- What can I get you, Gunnar?

Hi, Janet. Can I have some folded laundry?

Coming up.

Chidi!

You'll never believe it.

I was at the frozen yogurt place

and I didn't know what I wanted
so I turned to the guy behind me

"Why don't you go ahead."

Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead."

Oh... okay.

Dude, you don't understand.

I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth!

But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons
I didn't hold up the line,

I didn't even try a dozen samples

I didn't want, just to spite some jerk
who told me I was holding up the line.

You do that?
- No, Chidi. I used to do that.

Now I do selfless things,
without even thinking about it.

I'm getting better.
- That's great.

I'm... I'm proud of you.

So where's our yogurt?

Ugh, I forgot it.

Oh. Can you go?

I don't wanna go all the way back.

I ran all the way here and it was so hot.

I mean, I will happily get it
because I told you I would.

Good person.

So, to sum up. Utilitarianism posits that...

the correct choice is the one
that causes the most good

or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

I like this one.

It's simple. Ugh. Screw all the other
complicated theories.

Why didn't you start with this one?

Ah, but here's the problem.

If all that matters is the sum total
of goodness

the you can justify anything number
of bad actions like...

torturing one innocent person
to save a hundred or pre-emptive war.

Oh, dip, I get it!
It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

She was a black market alligator dealer,
with a pierced jawbone.

Um. Okay. What?

Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy Donkey Doug

and make him move to Sarasota.

It would have broken up my whole
breakdancing crew

and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker!

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards
in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

I framed one innocent gator dealer, to save
a sixty-person dance crew.

Shockingly, that is a relevant example
of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Thanks! Um...

Ah, yes, Jianyu?

Can I be excused?

Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to
get there before all the mini-waffles run out.

Oh, it's the Good Place.
You can get all the mini waffles you want at any time.

So, I'm not excused?

Go ahead, man.
- Yes!

So, you want to roll right into
another lesson?

I am revved up to learn, man!
My brain is horny!

Can we take a little break?
I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.

Oh, yeah. I get it. Oh! You could, um...

grade my paper I wrote
on the concept of Dharma.

Six pages!

And I didn't even do that thing
where I tried to make it longer

by starting every sentence with,
"Interestingly".

Sure, I'll... I'll do that and

we can start another lesson.

Oh, I hope you are both enjoying this brunch.
This is a fabulous jacket.

Oh, you're both so attractive.
Hello, Jianyu.

Syrup?
- Oh, right there.

Chatty today, aren't we?

Ah, Tahani. I've been working on
my Western Hemisphere brunch banter.

Tell me what you think.

"That New Yorker article was crazy."

"You haven't seen Hamilton?"

"Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?"

- Very well done, Michael.
- Hi there!

We have a category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

A category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
- Mm-hmm.

Sorry, what is a category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

It's nothing.
It's a tiny little inconvenience.

Tahani, dear,
could you show us to a private room

where no one could see or hear us,
even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

It appears that the sinkhole is not
repairing itself.

This is very bad, Janet.

We have to go into the sinkhole,
and fix it by hand.

Get the tools.

Sorry, can I be of any service?
- Ah! Tahani.

Didn't see you there...
No, we're just having a slight problem

with the enormous sinkhole.

Yes, I meant to tell you.
I walked past it last night and I...

I actually saw it get a little bit bigger.

It got bigger? Ah, well. That's so so normal.

This is the reaction I have when things
are incredibly mundane and expected.

I'm going to leave now, at my regular pace,
as I do in most scenarios.

Finally! Let's get back to it!

Whip out that chalkboard, big boy,
show me what you're working with!

Actually, I was going to head into town
and pick up some blankets.

Great, I'll grab my sweater. Plus...

I can practise letting people
cut in front of me.

Please. You go ahead. I respect you.

You're not just an obstacle
for me getting what I want.

You know?
Uh, I just realised that I have blankets.

So I'm going to take a nap using the several
blankets that I already have. Good night!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
What's wrong? Out with it.

Fine, I'm just tired.
Need a break. No big deal.

The way you're talking to me right now?
"Everything's cool," "no big deal."

I know that move.

When I told a boyfriend something was
"no big deal," it meant anything from

"I just bought weed from your nephew,"

to "I secretly befriended
your ex-girlfriend last year

things got out of hand
and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Wow. Okay, well,
in this case, it really is no big deal.

Dude, you're hiding something. What's wrong?
- Nothing.

What is wrong?

Jianyu second! Oh, well done, my love.

So where am I?

Eleanor sixth? Come on.

Oh, no. I'm second to last.

I barely made it.

Mummy, I made you this.
It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.

Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.

I made a bird as well.

I worked in reflective alloy

holding up a mirror to mankind and its

and its mistreatment of
these defenceless animals.

Excellent, Kamilah. I sense the influence
of Brancusi, and Kapur.

It seems you're moving out
of your structural period,

and more into conceptual abstraction.

Good eye, mother.
I grew tired of objective representation.

I trust my audience.

My birdie has a hat!

Yes. Well done, Tahani.

What's wrong?
- Nothing.

What's wrong?
- Nothing.

What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Nothing's wrong.
Would you stop doing that?

Okay, fine.
You want to know what's wrong?

You are a full-time job.

I wake up there's Eleanor.
I spend all day teaching Eleanor.

And then, it's "Good night, Eleanor.
Oh, this is a nice dream.

My grandma's here... wait!

She's got Eleanor's face!
And tentacles for some reason."

Don't blame me for your weird grandma dreams.
That's on you, dude.

And I thought you liked teaching me.

So now I'm just some huge burden for you?
- Yes! Of course you are!

I am in paradise!

I should be doing paradise things,
like rowing out on a lake

with a good bottle of wine,
reading French poetry.

That's your idea of "paradise?" That sucks!

You know, and I can't stop helping you

because then I am shirking my ethical duty.

It's an impossible position!
- Well, excuse me

for trying to stay out of the Bad Place.

You know what, if you're so stressed
from writing on a chalkboard

why don't you just leave?

We could pretend to be soulmates in public

but other than that
we don't have to see each other!

Fine with me. I'll move out right now.
- Fine!

Good afternoon.

As you all may remember

a sinkhole recently opened up
in the town centre.

The situation, sadly, has worsened.

Starting right now no one may go outside
under any circumstances.

Leaving your homes
could result in catastrophic damage

to you and to the very fabric of the universe.

Okay, bye!

Or we could both just stay here.

We hope you enjoy
your eternal stay in the Good Place.

Take advantage of our day spa,
or Janet, a magical assistant.

who can get you whatever you want.

And explore the grounds on one of our
complimentary pegasi.

Do you mind turning that off?
It's been playing on a loop for two days.

The whole Neighbourhood is offline.
We only get the welcome channel.

I would love to not watch TV

but you cancelled school.

What have you done to me, you monster?

Look at all these dishes piling up.

I used to just throw them in the sink
and they'd be magically cleaned by morning.

I did that. I cleaned the dishes.
- Oh.

Then what's up with these bad boys?

You are unbelievable.

Are you still upset? You're not over it yet?

How can I be "over" it?
We haven't discussed it, or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice
"vacation" from your "full-time job."

Get your story straight, bro.

Hey, guys? It's Michael.

Hi, Michael! What a lovely surprise!

Oh, I'd love to make small talk.
I've been practicing, too.

I'm amazing at it.
But I'm in a bit of a rush here.

This is Bart and Nina

They live right next to the, uh...
sinkhole, so...

they obviously need a place to stay.

I was wondering, as my assistant,
maybe you could put them up for a while?

Oh, of course. Don't... don't think twice.
- Okay. Shouldn't take long.

Between an hour and, um... eleven months.

Somewhere in there. Okay, bye!

Don't go outside.

We're doomed.

Dude. You need to chill the fork out.

How? We are living a lie.

We are fighting and one small mistake
could blow our cover

and make the whole world go crazy.

All we need to do is make a little small talk.

Just say things that aren't lies.

Like, isn't Eleanor super hot?
Or, I'm Chidi, I lost my virginity to a book.

Tea's ready!

Thank you guys so much.
Sorry for the imposition.

Oh, bah!

If you want to know the truth,
we asked Michael if we could stay with you.

We are obsessed with your relationship.

Always whispering,
locking yourself in the house all day.

I thought I was an expert in true love
'cause of my old job

but I have a lot to learn from you guys.

Your job? What was your job?

I was a marriage counsellor.

You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships

and I did!

It's called "How to Spot Problems
in a Marriage From 100 Miles Away."

Oh! Cool.
- Oh, cool.

Yeah, really cool.
- Cool. Cool.

Cool. And what about you, Bart?

Ah, well, my job wasn't nearly as
interesting.

Nah, I started a company
that investigated identity theft.

Analysing body language,
tracking and catching people

pretending to be someone they're not.

It was snooze, am I right?

You know what? Forget this tea.
Who wants too much wine?

Oh!

Hello, everyone

and welcome to Day Three
of our brunch siege!

I stayed up all night
to plan a full day of fun activities

just check the schedule I made!

- Tahani, you are truly the best.
- Hear! Hear!

Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, Henriette?

Still second to last?

Tahani.

This auction threatens to be an
embarrassing failure.

Five-point-two million isn't bad.

It's very "middle-thermometer."

Your public failure is our public failure.

You know what has to be done.

I'm very pleased...

to announce that there has been an addition
to today's docket.

I'm sure you all know my sister Kamilah.

Yes. Kamilah.

Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person
ever to graduate from Oxford University.

She's a Eurovision Award-winning
singer-song writer

a world-class painter, social activist

sculptor, Olympic gold medallist for archery

an iconoclast

A Bafta Award-winner for her documentary
on her Grammy Award-winning album

and the person voted
"Most Likely to be Banksy."

So without further ado
take it away from me!

Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah!

I am auctioning off a lunch date with me.

The bidding shall commence
at three million pounds.

You're bidding?

Of course.
It's an hour with Kamilah Al-Jamil!

Five million!

Wow. You guys must really love clowns, huh?

Would two people who didn't love clowns
have this many clowns on their walls?

It must be great to live with such
a positive person. Huh, Chidi?

Well, it's um... at times it's... person.

Ugh. That's my Chidi.

One glass of wine, he's totally useless.

You know what you need right now, dear?

To get into something more comfortable

like one of your trademark
taupe V-neck sweaters.

You know how strongly I feel about those.

- Aw.
- Ooh..

So cute.

Oh, love, love, love!

Love, love, love!

You couldn't think of one thing to say?
Get your head in the game, man.

They're gonna catch us.

This is an extremely precarious situation.
I am vexed, Eleanor!

A marriage counsellor
and a human lie detector

isn't my first choice for company either,
but they have no reason to suspect us.

Plus, I think they may have actually
just come here to, you know?

Swing.

I say we do it.

It'll get them to stop asking questions.

I am not going to have sex with someone
to get them to stop talking to me.

Really? You and I are very different.

Yeah, I noticed.
- You know what, man?

I have spent every second in this place
worried I was gonna get caught

but if we go down right now,
that's on you. Okay?

Oh, you spend all your time teaching a
charming, awesome lady?

How sad for you. Face it, dude.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
Because guess what, Chidi? Ya basic.

Eleanor.
- Yeah, I know. You wanna do that thing

where we're arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like "Whoa, this is hot,"

and we start making out? Dream on!

Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

No! Eleanor, look.

So, how much of that did you hear?

We couldn't hear you but I'm an expert
in non-verbal communication

and it is clear you are in conflict.

We're not judging you.
This has been a tough couple of weeks.

I'm sure the... the stress of the sinkhole
has caused lots of soulmate squabbles.

That's what it is! A squabble. We're squabbling.
- Squabble-squabble!

I can help.
I'm going to take your relationship

and put it under a microscope

And dig and poke and prod

until you are back to soulmate harmony.

Eleanor, why don't you tell...

She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.

We just have different interests.
- Mm-hmm.

I like relaxing, he likes getting
on my case about the dishes.

I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.

I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.

You are hiding something.

What are earth would I be hiding?
- No, no, no, not you...

Him.

Please go back inside.

It isn 't safe to be out of your home.
Please go back inside.

Janet, could you see what's wrong?

Everything.

Oh!

My goodness. It's even worse than I thought.

Tahani, what are you doing here?

Well, everyone else might be okay
staying inside, but I wanted to help.

So I brought some cheer
and sustenance, to raise your spirits.

Look, I made donut holes.

Do you get it? Donut holes,
sinkhole. Funny, no?

No, too soon. By exactly nine days.

Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly
dangerous.

If a human gets too close to it
there could be disastrous side effects.

What's... what's happening to me?

Ooh, that's one of the side effects.

Janet, knock her out,
while we still have time, please.

Knock me out? What does that...

Guys, really, it's no big deal.

"It's not a big deal" is nearly always
code for "something is wrong."

Boom! That's what I said!

I should've been a marriage counsellor.

Lets take the positive aspects
of this relationship.

Let's focus on that first.

What do you do to make Eleanor feel valued?

I spend every waking moment thinking
about her and supporting her.

Beautifully said.

Eleanor, what do you do to support Chidi?

I...

taught him how to reheat cold pizza
with a curling iron.

But this isn't about me
or my awesome life hacks.

He's hiding something,
and we need to get to the bottom of it.

She's right, Chidi. Out with it.

What is so unsatisfying about
your soulmate relationship?

Be honest, Chidi. Be like...

the exact right amount of honest

so that we can both be happy.

I never had a soulmate on earth.

I never even really had a girlfriend
that I loved.

And when I got here and Michael said
I would finally meet my actual soulmate

I was so excited. And it isn't...

exactly...

what I thought.

You've never had
an intense relationship before.

This is all uncharted territory.

No wonder you're so tense!

You know, Nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.

Not erotic massage.
- Mm.

- Although it can be, it often leads there anyway.
- Okay!

Well, you know what?

You guys have given us so much to think about
and I think we should go to bed.

Just the two of us, alone.
Just us.

I know it's not the right time,
but I told you.

You know after an
emotional breakthrough like that

you guys aren't gonna do much sleeping.

Yeah, I know.

We're gonna keep our clothes. I'll sleep on the floor
and we'll maintain a chilly silence until morning.

Could you imagine?

Well, that's terrifying.
- Mm.

Tahani? Wake up, dear.

Michael, did it work?

Did I fix the sinkhole?

Am I a heroine?

No. You did something catastrophically stupid
and we had to knock you unconscious.

Why in the world did you go outside?

Because I saw the rankings in the manual.

That manual is only meant to be seen
by Architects and Janets.

It's got some very sensitive material.

Plus some song lyrics I've been working on,
and I'd rather not let people see those

until they're finished.

But, anyway...

Why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?

I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.

Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.

To Kamilah, we have left
sixty-eight million pounds

the home in Kensington, their yacht,
and other assorted weekend boats.

But what did they leave
their second-favourite child?

There's still quite a lot of
money and property that goes to you.

There is one issue, however.

They have, um...
spelled your name incorrectly, in the will.

You've got to be kidding me.

It says, "We bequeath the rest
of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce.

You know what? I don't want the money.

My sister can have it all.

My whole life I have lived in your shadow,
but now I'm going to step out of it.

I am going to reach heights of success
and sophistication you could only dream of.

Your cardigan's on inside out.

I know! It's a new trend that I am starting.

Just one example of how I'm going
to step out of your shadow.

Oh, please wait.
I'm obligated to say one more thing.

Kamilah, I'm taken by you.

Your very presence is magnetic.

I may be married and I've never been interested
in any woman before

but my attraction for you
goes beyond sexuality.

Though it certainly is deeply sexual.

Oh, for crying out loud! Come on!

Oh, I'm sorry that I looked
at the rankings, Michael.

But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.

My entire life I have tried to be
extraordinary

but it just never seemed to be enough.

Ah. And you thought you could increase
your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole.

Tahani.

Tahani, the point evaluations stop
the moment you die.

But also, out of literally billions

you were one of the most remarkable people
on Earth.

You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.

Hi there!

The sinkhole has begun to repair itself!

It has?

Could it be?
- But how?

Did I, "Tahani saves the uni..."
- No, no, no, still not you.

You had nothing to do with it.
We'd better leave immediately.

Oh. Morning, Chidi.

Michael just lifted the lockdown.
We can all go outside again.

Say goodbye to Eleanor for us.
Oh, she left you a note by the dishes.

And if you ever want to come to our house,
break out the massage oils

And, uh... see what unfolds.

Okay. Great. Thank you, Nina.

Morning, teach!

Morning. What's this about?

Well, here's what I realised.

It's not just that helping me is a full-time
job that you feel you have to do.

The real problem is that
the more you help me

the greater the chance is that I can stay
here, and me staying here means

you'll never get a real soulmate.

I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.

So, every time
the simple fact of my existence

starts to bum you out

I want you to hold this up.

At which point

I will leave you alone,
for as long as you need.

I know we'll never be soulmates,
but we're friends.

So I'm going to help you have the paradise
you always wanted.

Side note, I can't believe this is
the paradise you always wanted, but...

get in this boat,
and read some boring French poetry.

I... I've never actually done this before.
This is... this is a theoretical fantasy.

How do you row a boat?

I tell you, it's good as new.
Go ahead, if you want. Just here.

Whoo! See? You can jump up and down on it.

Hey boss, so you fixed the sinkhole?

Yep! Good as new! Crisis averted!

Everybody, have a wonderful day
because I fixed the sinkhole.

I didn't fix the sinkhole.

Sorry?
- I tried and I tried but nothing worked.

And then all of a sudden, this morning,
out of the blue! Just whoop!

It just closed over.

Huh! How about that?

Well, as your assistant,
I officially declare this good news!

No, this is terrible news.

I have no idea what caused it,
Eleanor, and no idea what fixed it.

I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.

You and I are gonna find this problem.