All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E02.720p.BluRay.X264-REWARD

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Cool!

Eleanor, you are my soulmate.

There's been a big mistake...

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

These people might be "good"

but are they really
that much better than me?

Eleanor,
this is all happening because of you!

Give me a chance.
Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your ethical guinea pig.

My soul is in your hands, soulmate.

I, uh... I don't know what to do here.

This is a mess - morally speaking.

This is a putrid,
disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Okay, well, how about we just chill

and go to the town meeting
and talk it out after.

Wha-
- Great! Hey

how do I make
that helper woman show up?

Hello... front desk lady...

magical slave robot?
- Excuse me, Janet?

Hi, there.

Still not used to it.
Um, Janet, I need...

quick question - can anyone
access our search history

or is this an incognito browsing situation

like when you're stalking
a hot mailman from your work computer?

It is one hundred percent confidential.

No one can access what you ask me,
including Michael.

Now, what kind of pornography
would you like to see?

No, no, no, no, not porn...

I, um, I need clothes - like yours
and Chidi's with the stripes.

There you go.

Everybody,
everybody, gather round, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Obviously, there's something
very wrong with this neighbourhood.

We don't know what it is,
how long it will last, or what caused it.

What do we know, Janet?

We know where it happened - here.

Yes, thank you, Janet.

The chaos happened here.

See, that's the trouble
with these perfect systems -

one little flaw can lead to...

well, it can lead to Gary over there.

Hey, Gary.

Hang in there, buddy.

My armpits are leaking.

What is that called again?
- Sweat.

Right, right, still not used to being
in a human body.

And what do you do with sweat?

Do... do you lick it away?
Is that right?

Nope, you dab it with a cloth.
- Oh, right.

And then you lick the cloth?

That seems weirder.

Michael, look.

Okay, that's a good sign.

It... it... it could mean
that this is almost over.

Oh, such relief.

That was my first time as a fashion "don't"
and I did not care for it.

Okay, things are settling down outside

I think it's time to make me good, partner.

How do we do it?

Is there a pill I can take
or something I could vape?

Where did you get a chalkboard?

It's The Good Place, you can get
anything you want at any time.

And you chose a chalkboard?

What are you reading?

The Metaphysics of Morals
by Immanuel Kant.

It's a treatise
on the aesthetic preconditions

of the mind's receptivity to duty.

It's a book on how to act good.

Oh, great!
So you've decided to help me?

I don't know.
There's a thousand questions.

Is there a moral imperative to help you?

Do I have a greater obligation
to my community?

Are you taking someone else's spot -
someone who deserves to be here?

Ooh! On that question

I honestly think
I was just put here by mistake

because Michael called me
Eleanor Shellstrop

so he knows I'm me -

he... he's just wrong
about my overall quality level.

Please help me, man.
I swear I am worth it.

Tell me one fact
that you know about me.

We spent the whole day together.
You must remember something.

What country am I from?

Is it racist if I say, "Africa?"

Yes, and Africa is not a country.
I am from Senegal.

Do I have any siblings?
Where did I go to college?

Trick question - you didn't.

I was literally a college professor.

Do you not remember
one single thing about me?

Dude, things have been nuts around here.

I bet you don't know anything about me!

You were born in Phoenix.
You went to school in Tempe.

You're an only child.

Your favourite show is something called,
The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

And your favourite book is
Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

How did you know all that?

Because you are constantly
talking about yourself.

You are the most self-obsessed person
I have ever met.

You should see
Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

See, this is my fear about you, Eleanor -

you are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Well, I think you're wrong.
- What country am I from again?

"Sen... sodyne"

That is a brand of toothpaste.

Look, the only thing
that you are concerned with

is your own happiness.

That's your problem.

Okay, names in the hat -
time to pick a designated driver.

And the loser is...

Betsy.

Wait, you never get picked

and you're always the one
who draws the name.

Let me see that.
- There's no need.

Everyone here believes in my integrity,
one hundred percent. Right, guys?

Give it to me.

For the record

I did that out of principle
because it absolutely had your name on it.

If I check the other ones I can figure it out
by process of elimination.

Again, out of principle

better watch over you, Betsy.

This is what integrity looks like.

All right, everyone, let's get started.

Things have settled down.

Whoo!

So, hopefully, we're off and running.

Welcome to orientation, day two.

Now, today we're going to start
with something

that everyone has always wanted to do...

...flying.

Now that you're dead,
let's live a little, right?

Uh, sorry... uh, Michael, if I might -

I was just thinking... earlier today
in all of the chaos

large swaths of this neighbourhood
were destroyed.

We thought perhaps
some of us could... uh...

volunteer to help clean up
the debris, you know

it's quite a fun way to band together
as a community.

Isn't that right, Jianyu?

Oh, uh, yes, sorry,
for those of you don't know -

my soulmate Jianyu here
is a Buddhist monk.

He took a vow of silence
that he's still observing -

even here, in The Good Place.

It's truly inspiring.

Well, Tahani,
it's not really your job to clean up

but I suppose there's no harm
if you really want to.

Oh, well, "Hurrah!"

We need about, uh, twelve volunteers.

Oh!
- I can't believe all these people

are passing on flying
to pick up garbage all day.

Have fun, nerds.

I'll be soaring through the air
like a forking bird.

Eleanor and I would love to help.
- Oh, "Hurrah, hurrah!". Yay!

Dude?
- You want to prove you're not selfish?

Here's the perfect test -

there's something fun that you want to do
and then there's something less fun

that people are doing
for the common good.

Which do you choose?

Have fun.

Whoo!

Yay! Yeah! All right!

Wee!

Hey, up there - having fun
or does it maybe suck, probably?

Well, I wouldn't call it fun...

I'd say it's like it's like fifty million
simultaneous orgasms, but better.

How's volunteer garbage pickup?

About the same.
- Great. Wee!

You know, this really reminds me
of my time in Vietnam

picking up mortar shells
with my Godmother, Diana.

Doesn't really matter
what she's a princess of.

It's not really important.

Tahani, how goes the cleaning?

Oh, swimmingly, Michael.

And I have to say, this neighbourhood
that you built is truly a masterpiece

the likes of which I've never seen

and I've been to Johnny Depp's
private bird sanctuary.

Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.

But it's also dead wrong.

This neighbourhood is a disaster.

See, I must have made a mistake somewhere
and it led to all this chaos

and now I'm just... I'm just terrified
that it's going to happen again.

I'm trying to put a good face on...

well, this face
that I've constructed for myself

but the truth is, I'm just miserable.

I have to go.

Thank you so much for your service.

Oh, no... powerful people
do not handle failure well.

Michael could be heading
for a total meltdown.

Soulmate, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Should we say it at the same time?

All right, one, two, three -
we must help Michael.

Oh, you sly devil

you're going
to keep me on my toes, aren't you?

All right, come on, let's go.

Oh, boy!
- Hey, Gunnar. Hey, Antonio.

Hey, Eleanor, isn't this great?

Uh, yeah - when I thought of the afterlife

I totally pictured being an unpaid,
nonflying janitor.

Us, too.

You guys are so fun -

just relentlessly fun.
I keep thinking -

when are they going to stop being fun?

And the answer is, never.

You're never going to stop.

Well, I have had a pretty full day
of being unselfish.

I've made some new friends,
my area is almost garbage free

so you're going to help me
figure out how to stay, right?

Oh, that is a really tough question.

Most great philosophers would say
helping you is pointless -

that you can't try to be good

especially when your motivations
are so obviously corrupt.

Yeah, but what do
most great philosophers know?

On the other hand,
Aristotle thought that moral virtue

is something
that you could get better at.

He... he compared it
to playing the flute -

the more you practice,
the more you improve.

Aristotle
- that's my boy right there!

He was the best. I mean,
most people agree he was the best one.

So it sounds to me like you are
on board the "help Eleanor train."

Well, I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities - yes and no.

Well, no worries - just hit me up

when you're done
weighing my life in your hands.

I'll just keep doing what I do best -
being super-considerate and selfless.

Hey, guys.
- Okay, Eleanor, reminder -

we switched to a rotating system

for choosing a designated driver
and it's your turn.

Got it.

Full disclosure - I forgot
we were doing this new system.

I got off work early.

I've been here for about an hour
and I'm already pretty drunk.

Someone else will do it.
- Good call.

I guess the only place I'll be driving
is through the giant loophole

in the system I accidentally discovered.

Beep, beep!

Whoo!

Whoo!

I can't believe they managed
to mix one million flavours together

and yet, somehow I can taste
each individual one.

It's remarkable.

I got no flavour.

It's all I deserve really.
- No.

Look, I... I appreciate
you trying to cheer me up

I really do,
but you don't understand -

this was the very first neighbourhood
that I got to design.

It was my chance to prove myself
and now I've blown it.

You know, sometimes a flaw
can make something even more beautiful -

like with Cindy Crawford
and how short she is.

Oh, Tahani, if I made
one tiny mistake in my design

if there's a single glitch
in the system

if even one blade of grass
is angled a fraction of a degree off...

the whole neighbourhood is...
compromised.

Whose dog is that?
Guys, whose dog is that?

Whose dog is that!

See, this is one of those glitches
I was talking about.

Nice try, puppy.

Whoo!

That was a close one.

Teacup?

Hey, have you seen my dog?

Shouldn't these be magical trash bags?

Five more minutes,
flyers, five more minutes.

Oh, man, really?

Janet, I'm finished with clean up
and I'm ready to fly.

How do I start?
- Hop on the launch pad

and conjure
an image that brings you pure joy.

Some people think of their wedding
day or favourite vacation spot.

People puking on rollercoasters.

People puking on rollercoasters.

It's working!

Ow! What the fork?

Janet, any chance this is
a scheduled trash storm?

So, here's the situation, Pevita -

I kind of kicked your dog into the sun.

But, I got her back.

Everything... everything seems fine.

Teacup, thank goodness you're okay.

Everyone, it is merely
a construct of a dog.

It feels no pain or joy or love.

Teacup doesn't love me?

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
it definitely feels love.

Do you actually want a dog
that loves you a little bit more?

Because I can kick her
right back into the sun

and get you another one, just like that.

No!
- Oh, boy, I'm making things worse.

Okay. All right... that's all right,
breathe, breathe... you breathe?

Mm-hmm.
- If you do, then just breathe

because everything is fine,
Michael, it's fine.

Whoo!

It's raining garbage.

Run!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'll run this way.

Chidi, hey

before you say anything...

that's it.
I just don't want you to say anything.

What did you do?
- Nothing.

It just started raining trash
out of nowhere for no reason at all.

Ah!

Okay, fine, fine - my bag broke
and I ditched the trash

instead of taking it all the way
to the dumpster.

But, in my defence
there were only five minutes left

in flying and I wanted to go flying.

How is that a defence?
You made a bad choice.

I made a bad choice?

We could have literally been flying

and all you wanted to do
was talk about morals.

I mean, you're like
the worst part of Superman.

This is a relief.
I can stop my deliberations.

You are a selfish person
and it is pointless to help you.

- You are on your own.
- Oh, man.

How about this trash storm, Gunnar?
- More cleaning up to do.

It's a... it's a dream come true.

Whew.
- We're okay.

You can't die here.

Come on, I mean even you have
to admit - those guys are psycho.

I don't know
what's happening to me.

I mean, it's my duty to be calm
and in control and I'm falling apart.

No, Michael,
you are a paragon of fortitude.

You're a mountain of strength.

I'm not a mountain of strength.

I'm a canyon

full of poo-poo.

Jianyu, the architect of this neighbourhood
has just referred to himself

as a canyon full of poo-poo.

Surely now
you will say something.

Grace us
with your vocalised wisdom.

Please, I'm begging you.

Oh...

Yes, yes I understand.

The strength is inside me.

It's been there all along.

No, of course.
I can overcome any obstacle.

Oh, thank you, Jianyu,
thank you.

I'm back.

You did it!

Oh, you have so much to teach me.

Maybe I should try
to be silent, too.

No really... look, here I go.

Oh! That was wonderful.

So cleansing.

Just water tonight, huh?

Designated driver?
- Yeah, it sucks.

I think it's awesome.
I mean, someone's got to do it, right?

I think it's a cool thing
to do for people.

Yeah, no, no, I meant...

I meant I... it sucks that I can't
do it more often.

You know,
I actually prefer it to drinking...

staying sober, knowing my friends
will get home safe -

that's my buzz.

Hey guys, good news and bad news -

see that hot bartender over there?

He's into me
and we're gonna bang it out.

The bad news is it means
I can't drive you guys home.

But, I did call a cab for you guys

but they recognised my number
and they didn't want to come.

I've thrown up in a lot of cabs.

So, are we good here?

Eleanor, you have
a very important choice to make -

if you blow us off, you are banned
from Thursday night drinks forever.

Yeah, I'm good with that.
I'll see you guys at work.

Peace!

You - let's go.

Hey, how did you know
I was here?

I saw you from my window.

That's where I live, by the way...
not that you ever asked.

What are you doing?

I went to all the places
where I dumped trash earlier

and cleaned it up
so it couldn't be traced back to me.

Well, it looks like
you cleaned up everything.

You're doing this
because you feel bad

and you're not even doing it
to get me to help you anymore

because I told you,
that's not gonna happen.

Okay, yeah, fine,
I felt bad for stupid Gunnar

and stupider Antonio
and the whole neighbourhood.

I felt bad about what I did.

It was a weird feeling...
not used to it... didn't love it.

Well, feeling remorse
about being wrong isn't as good

as just doing something right,
but it's a start.

Look, I think you're capable of change

and I will help you try.

Oh, wow, man -
I swear I won't let you down.

Hi, there. I've collected
the worst smelling garbage that I could find.

Do you still want me
to dump it inside of Antonio's house?

What?

No, I did not tell you to do that.

You are loco girlfriend.

Okay, I won't let you down
starting now.

Ah, Eleanor, good morning.

Michael, do you know
what the best part about this place is -

you figured out
how to make a to-go cup

that doesn't leak
right where the seam meets the lid.

Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.

I was very proud of that.

One of the hardest problems
I had to solve.

Eleanor, I know what you did...

cleaning up the entire neighbourhood
by yourself.

I knew you were special
but this is proof.

Well, I was just doing my part,
you know.

And... since I'm special -
your words -

I didn't get to fly...

I'm sorry. Now I had to ban flying
for a thousand years

too many injuries.

One resident hit a rotting turkey carcass
at a thousand miles an hour.

It just exploded into this fireball
of turkey flesh and bones and sinew.

Anyway, enjoy your coffee...
and the cup.

So, I have moved out of my apartment
officially and into your guestroom

figured it'd cause less suspicion
and make things easier

for our "Good Person Lessons."

Cool. Uh, just FYI, I'm a very loud snorer

and I like to drip-dry in the nude,
so eyes to yourself, perv.

Okay. Fine.

Now, you got a long way to go
to pull this off.

It will take hours and hours
of studying ethics

and moral philosophy.

We're going to have assignments
and quizzes and papers.

It's going to be so much fun.

Remind me
what I'm getting out of this again?

You get to avoid eternal damnation.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, I got you a present.

What?
- Senegal.

That's not a present.
That's just common decency.

Yeah, but I forking nailed it.

Good talk.

Aw, shirt!