Original subtitles

So, Jason. It's a yellow card.

- Oh, no. - That is not my face.

I'm gonna go back next door.

So... But actually, I'll tell you what, I'm going to save my legs,

because while I'm here, there is another card.

Oh!

I mean, it's very early for a red card actually.

Oh, no, it wasn't me. Go away.

- Oh! - Oh!

I am actually paying attention.

No...

Here's my second card.

I know this is very immature.

I'm just gently waving this.

Oh, yeah?

- Ah-ha! Ha-ha-ha! - There she goes.

Emma, you were on the cusp for about an hour.

I was so happy, I didn't even know I was smiling then.

- And it was with you own sausage. - It was with my own sausage.

See, that's the thing about this game.

You come up with all these things on stage and it's all elaborate.

Then you pick up a fucking Frankfurter and they laugh.

I'll go back. I'll hit the green button. We'll be back in the game. All right.

- Here we go. - I saw that happen.

Shite.

They're in shock. They have no idea they're smiling.

So Jason joins Aisling on a yellow card

while Emma is beaten by her own banger to join them in the danger zone.

- You need to cop onto yourself, Emma. - I need to cop on.

I can't actually wait until I can have a drink.

All right, they've enjoyed themselves enough. Back in the game.

Uh-oh.

Oh. I'm not playing.

I love that, where you hit the green button it does that thing. Whoa.

Oh, oh, oh...

Dear, God, Aisling does not hold back.

I mean, she goes... When she's in, she's all in.

That doesn't sound like a real orgasm.

Oh, no, no, no. That green outfit.

I can't look at Tony. I can't.

Whoo...

You guys are going to superimpose me out of that, right? The green suit?

Oh my God, a floating breadstick. Whoo-oo...

- Tony. - Huh?

This might go with the horror story.

- Sorry. - Oh.

That green morph suit, we just couldn't stop looking at his bits of tackle.

It looked like he had got his cock and his balls

and they had been smuggled into there because they were just like, ugh.

How is this happening?

- This is a cursed place. - It's haunted.

Does he know that the funniest bit of this actually,

is his willy and his balls going, "Please help?"

Somebody slipped a sausage in my pocket.

- Oh, God, that's disgusting. - My hands are just... Gross.

We're going to talk to Graham.

I love that I can just call Graham Norton.

It's sort of like Celebrity Samaritans.

- Hello? - Graham, Graham, Graham, Graham.

Yeah, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Is there any weak people?

Well, the two of you!

- The two of us? - Oh, shit.

Oh, Mother of God.

Do you know what, Graham Norton? I liked you before you were famous.

You've become overly confident.

You're the ones on yellow cards.

"Is there any weak in here."

Amy Huberman, she is stony-faced throughout.

She's amazing.

But she's a miserable bitch in real life.

She's a lady in the streets, but what a miser in the sheets.

So, what you're saying is,

if you have to look around wondering who the weak people are in the group...

- It's... - and you can't work out who it is...

It's probably you.

- All right, okay. - And don't put your hand in Dave's pocket.

- Because God knows what's in there. - I was warned years ago

- not to put my hand in Dave's pocket, so... - Yeah.

Lovely to chat. Talk later. Bye!

- Wow. - Wow, wow. So it's you and me.

- Yeah, you and me, kid. - That's not great.

Aisling Bea, we end up being this almost stunt couple.

Going round trying to get people.

- See the top of my head? - Yeah.

- What do you think? - I like it.

Because I had a bald spot and they put powder on the top of my head

- to make it look... - Yeah.

That didn't work.

All right, time to create a bit of mischief.

I've never seen the top of your head before...

-Yeah. Because you're so tall.

Okay, here we go.

- Ha, ha, ha. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

What!

Oh, no, no.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

The Den is back.

When I turned around, I could've wept.

- Oh! - Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, it's gone insane now.

Oh, my God!

I was starstruck. Just to see those stupid googly eyes.

I was Zig and Zag obsessed.

I feel like I won a competition.

It was like watching The Beatles on the rooftop.

Just to see them all together,

and Ray looking just the same age but balder.

The shine off the top of his head, fantastic.

- Hi! - Hey!

So the idea is they have to make each other laugh.

You have to make each other laugh.

- But thankfully, none of us are funny. - Mm.

Like, it is incredible that the actual Den is here.

It was the biggest show in Ireland.

- Hi, Zig and Zag, big fans lads. - Thanks.

- I'm an alcoholic, thank you. - We know.

Oh, okay. it's defo on now.

Ray, is this the first time you've lured two women to your Den?

Oh, you see what he did there?

Whoa. That's a good joke actually.

Everyone was like, "Hmm, okay. That's funny. That's funny."

Which is the height of compliment you can get in there.

Hey Amy, you can smile. You're not talking to Brian now.

Oh, that was vicious. That was vicious, Amy. It's okay.

- So mean. - It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Keep going, Dustin, keep going.

Now, I tell you what, I've got an idea

if this all is about jokes and you've got to make each other laugh,

I've got a couple of Christmas crackers left over from last December.

- Okay, so David. - Yeah.

Your name is on the cracker.

Nice one, lads.

This is very difficult now.

- Yeah. - Very difficult.

Oh, shit.

That's quite loud, lads. Just be careful of that.

What's the difference between Jason Byrne...

- Oh. - And a funeral?

Some people laugh at a funeral.

Did you write these, Dustin?

I mean Jesus fucking Christ.

- Hi Tony. - My man, Tony.

- All right, Tony my man. Let's do it baby. - Let's do it.

Oh!

Come on, Tony.

How do you know E.T. is from Cork?

- How do you know E.T. is from Cork? - 'Cause he looks like he is.

Oh, that is good.

That's very good.

- Come on Dierdre. - DD okay.

- DOK. - I'm dying to smile at you.

You know that.

Did you hear the one about how bad Graham Norton's wine is?

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Uh-oh. - Sorry, that's just sour grapes.

Whoa...

She's ringing him. You don't have to ring him.

- He's watching. He's watching. - I'm not answering that.

Hung up on us.

- Paul Tylak. - Paul Tylak!

He sounds like a suppository.

He's very precious about his wine.

- I didn't get a gag. - Oh, wait, here you go.

Oh, is that how it works?

Jesus, Paul, this is not complicated.

Paul, you look like their accountant.

Every few seconds, I just saw Deirdre go...

Go red like that.

Why does Martin have so much blue material in his act?

When they-a go high, Martin-a go low.

Ha-ha. Boom! Back of the net.

- That was good. - The Den.

It definitely weakened us psychologically.

I mean, is Graham really watching every bit of this?

That must be exhausting.

- Jason Byrne. - Jason Byrne.

Come on, Jason.

Hey, Jason!

Make somebody bloody laugh.

Why does Dave McSavage have a guitar?

I don't know. Why does Dave McSavage have a guitar?

Well, it says here because he's not funny.

Ah-ha-ha, Jason.

Dave, would you like to defend?

No, enjoy your petty torments.

Oh...

I've never tasted petty torments, so I don't know what they taste like.

- Thanks, Jamo. - Amy, you're brilliant at this.

Amy's sad face was actually heartbreaking.

She... She'd do this...

She was like Lady Diana giving that interview.

"There's three of us in this marriage."

Amy has a sadness in her heart that runs generations.

You kind of look like you're brewing a poo.

I felt unsafe. How come I don't have my cracker yet?

- Where's Amy's cracker? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Amy hasn't had one. - Amy hasn't had one.

No. no, no. Don't worry about it.

- What the... - I'll tell you why.

Because I was out in the Hiace getting the Christmas crackers...

- Yeah. - I did have a cracker for Amy,

but I actually found something even more important.

Amy wrote a letter into The Den.

'Cos The Den has been making dreams comes true since 1987.

Since what?

- Emma's face. - Asking for a big favour.

And I actually found a letter

- from back in the day. - No way.

Oh, how special is this?

- Hi, Amy. - Lovely to see you.

Nice to see you guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also wrote into The Den. Didn't find my letter, but whatever.

- Wait can she read it out, do you think? - I think that's a better idea, yeah.

Because I would've normally read them out, but I think...

- Of course, yeah. - This is unfair.

Oh, she's so close to smiling now. She's... Oh, she's so close.

- All right, here we go. - Okay.

Oh, my God.

"Dear Ray, Dustin, Zig and Zag,

My name is Amy and I'm 12 years old and I live in Cabinteely, County Dublin

with my mum and dad and my brother.

My hobbies include designing shoes, writing books,

doing comedy, designing jewellery, doing drama,

and I love dogs and clothes and I think you should

cover the schoolboy rugby more on The Den."

Oh...

I was in that hook line and sinker

and all I could feel was my face wanting to smile, like,

"Oh, Ray and Zig, it's me, it's Dustin."

"It is a dream of mine to someday present The Den,

as I love Zig and Zag and I think Ray is very dreamy."

- Oh! - Amy...

I did the show in the hope that he would make a cameo appearance.

But I fancy all of them, Dustin, Zig, Zag, and Ray.

"Me and my mom think he's nearly as dreamy as our hero, Chris de Burgh."

- Oh! - Chris de Burgh.

Someday when I am all grown up, I would love to marry Ray

and have Chris de Burgh sing at our wedding.

Right. We've been making dreams come true since 1987.

Oh, no, Ray, are you're going to creepily marry Amy now?

- Do I have to marry Chris de Burgh. - That's fucking weird, Ray.

No. Now you did mention him and he was a big part of your life when you were 12.

- Is Chris de Burgh coming here? - He sent us a message, Jason.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

-Hi Amy, Chris de Burgh here.

Oh, my God!

- He's still alive! - My good friends at The Den

have told me all about your lovely letter.

Thank you so much.

For fuck's sake.

I'm sure you'll make a brilliant presenter of The Den.

And don't forget if Dustin slags you or anybody else off,

it's just turkey talk for him saying, I love you.

- Aww... - Wow.

- Oh, that's really nice. - That's nice.

Amy Huberman. Amy Huberman. Amy Huberman.

Thank you, Amy.

I can't look over there. I can't look over there.

When Chris de Burgh came out of the shagging wall.

Oh, what, he's definitely not...

It was the way he moved.

The speed with which he moved into the room.

Oh, my God.

♪ I've never seen you looking so lovely As you did tonight ♪

Oh my God, that's Chris de Burgh.

"Lady in Red" is one of my favourite songs of all time.

♪ I've never seen so many men ask you If you wanted to dance ♪

It dawned on me that I was wearing a green morph suit

when he was serenading Aisling and looking gazingly into her eyes.

And then he looked at me and he was like...

And he moved on really quick and I was like,

"Oh, I look like I'm going to pounce on him and give him a big old smooch."

♪ The lady in red ♪

♪ Is dancing with me ♪

That's it, into the mic, Chris.

♪ Cheek to cheek ♪

You know when you think someone's dead in your head?

That was very surreal.

♪ It's just you and me ♪

It's just you and me, Chris.

That was a very bad moment for me. I was flapping, I was like...

The Irish are having a sing-song now.

♪ This beauty by my side ♪

Oh, yeah!

I was so broken after The Den,

I was like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to rally after this, now.

Oh, please don't go.

Something changed in me forever

and I was never gonna be the same again.

- Bye! - Bye.

Oh, it actually made us sad.

Well done, Amy. Did you get enough attention?

Oh, not enough!

Oh, I'm exhausted after that.

Did Chris de Burgh just come in here?

- Oh my God, I feel sick. - Have we done mushrooms?

Hello, darling.

We found that very emotional, Graham.

I know, I loved that.

It was... I'm so jealous that you were up close

to Zig and Zag and Dustin.

- I could smell them. - And then Chris de Burgh.

Little pocket legend.

And he fit on the little ledge that we normally store drinks.

And just twirled around in and out like some crazy acid dream.

I loved him.

Er, I think Amy Huberman is close to going now.

Amy actually nearly cried, didn't you? I'm on the phone.

I'm on the phone to Graham Norton, come here.

- Didn't you nearly cry? Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Is he actually there?

- Graham? - I thought you were pretending to cry.

I've been crying since Chris never wrote back, aged 12.

So I am dangerously dehydrated.

- He looks amazing. - Oh, my God, he looks so good.

I know, he could sit on the dash of your car

and sing that to you all day, couldn't he?

He can sit on top of my bonnet any day of the week, Graham Norton.

Okay.

Er, Amy,

- I think we better go. - We're in the tunnel, Graham.

I think we better go.

Bye.

Did Amy Huberman just smile there? I think she did.

- Oh, no. - People aren't going a bit mad, are they?

I'm telling you now.

Okay.

Let's get into that room and give them the news.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

So, er, got two cards. Is it our first red?

Oh, shit.

Oh...

Well, this person may or may not know they've done this, I don't know.

Let's see who's getting a card.

Here we go.

- He looks amazing. - Oh, my God, he looks so good.

I know, he could sit on the dash of your car

and sing that to you all day, couldn't he?

He can sit on my bonnet any day of the week, Graham Norton.

Okay.

There she is.

Because you were playing a blinder.

- You're dead to me. - It was like she was carved from granite

- all day. - Oh, my God.

Nothing. Nothing.

I thought I was safe...

on the phone.

There's something on that, that you feel like

it's a break moment or something. Argh!

Can I just say, I'm amazed

that you all got through The Den and Chris de Burgh without cracking.

No, that was very good.

That was so impressive of all of you.

- Well, nearly all of you. - Oh, no.

One person did go during that.

Let's see who it was.

♪ And I have never seen That dress you're wearing ♪

♪ Or the highlights in your hair ♪

- There you go. - Oh, my God.

It's Chris de Burgh.

I know.

Oh, my God, that's so funny, your favourite comedian, Chris de Burgh.

I think there'll be a red soon.

I was trying to engage more with my face to be like, "I'm not a threat."

And then when I did that to try and make myself appear

more human to Chris de Burgh,

big shit eating grin across my face.

Good game. Good game. We'll see you in a bit.

Very good.

I don't think I'll be alone in this room for too much longer.

They say don't meet your heroes and Tony has just learned why.

Amy has also shown us that she's human after all.

Yellow cards all round.

I thought one of us were going there.

Yeah, so did I.

I don't even know what I have in here anymore.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe I got through that

- and then fucking laughed on the phone. - Oh.

I think they're like a house of cards now, they're going to start falling.

Here we go.

All right, that's it now. You can all fuck off with yourselves.

Ooh, Paul. He's in a new outfit.

Dave, are you so old that you have different cocks that you screw on?

I wish I did.

When I was younger, I often thought I wish I could have changed my genitals

like, you know, to maybe a pig's genitals.

Like a little corkscrew penis, you know, just to mix things up.

You know what I mean?

When Chris de Burgh turned around, I never anticipated

it would be with delight that I might break. That's insane.

Conor McDonough here for LOL News.

This is the house where laughter died.

I knew it would be unrelenting, but oh, my God.

Where local authorities have banned

what many consider to be an involuntary response to amusement.

Here we fucking go with the torture.

- Aisling... - Yeah.

You're a denizen of this dwelling where laughter's not allowed

How do you feel about the yellow you were given earlier on by Graham?

I feel very lonely and I don't have many friends,

so I'm hoping this will change that today.

There you go, loneliness, lack of friends.

This could change everything.

- You, sir. - Mm-hmm.

How did you feel about Chris de Burgh's actual size?

Did you just say Christopher?

Christopher de Burgh, to give him his full name,

- is smaller than many people thought... - Yes.

Because they would have seen him on the telly.

That was a bit disappointing to be honest now,

and I will be burning my Chris de Burgh records.

Only messing, Chris. I love you so much.

Okay, can we have any more reaction?

He was taking some hard shots at Chris de Burgh,

like, he could still be here.

What's the meaning of the sausage around your waist?

The sausage for me, it's kind of an energy barrier almost.

You know that thing of like, if you don't feel great, put a sausage on your belt.

Great stuff, thanks very much. This is Connor McDonough

for LOL News.

The yellows have taken their effect and soon we will perhaps see red.

- It's too intense, man, I'm absolutely... - It's a lot.

Beside myself.

Shall I make a salad?

Yes.

- Thank you, Dave. - You're so welcome.

You haven't hid a bean in it, have you?

No, no, no. I've got my beans here. Would you like to try one?

Bleah.

People don't trust tea from David.

Would you like a tarot reading? I started studying the tarots in lockdown.

Okay.

- I'm quite good at it now. - Are you, okay.

Oh, my God, tarot cards.

I'll put out the first three cards

and I'll tell you just what's going on in your life.

- Okay. - Yeah?

With your yellow card, you suddenly feel very vulnerable.

Then Deirdre comes in with the tarot cards.

I was like, what a tramp.

Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry about that now.

This isn't a great card to get, the Hermit.

You're going to be cancelled basically.

Fuck.

Here he comes, now, here's the danger.

Jason with his stents.

You've turned up on Emma's cards now with the three stents in your heart.

So, you want to watch out for that, and...

Could that be a thing?

If we're trying to make our comedy shows, is that a thing if you're on stage?

Or would that not be a thing?

Jason was never bored as a child, was he?

- I'm in the middle of a card reading here. - Sorry, Dierdre, sorry.

Let's see what's going on around you.

- Four. How many kids have you got, four? - Three.

Three, oh, you're gonna have another one.

- I'm on the pill. - Could you be pregnant now?

I'm on the pill and the coil.

Is your fella, like, super fertile?

Yeah, only anal, that's all.

That's a really good idea.

Oh, come on. Laugh at that.

And dry. No lube.

That almost broke me.

Yellow card. Thanks, Graham for the yellow card.

Totally, totally unfair.

Your strength is being tested, isn't it?

Yeah.

And that's the little ginger head on you there.

Can I say, Jason? It's just your penis is very prominent.

So I'd... Yeah, cover it up with your hand.

Oh. You get three go's.

Did Jason grow up without a television? I'd say he did.

I'm, like, 51 years of age.

- Yeah, you're moving the target. - You look older.

Oh! That's a half a point.

I thought if I ever end up in a care home, I want to be in one like this.

Did you learn that online?

I did a course.

"I did of course," or "I did of... a course"?

I did a course.

So not, "I did of course."

Not, "I did of course."

I did of course, I thought it was a course.

Oh, no. They were the things that would catch you off guard,

not necessarily, like, the big performance pieces.

Or, like, "The moat control." I always thought that's how you said it.

The moat control.

Is anyone else's husband scared of fools caps?

Your husband?

- Yeah. - Would you ever slip him a little finger

up the bum?

I'd say he'd have a very tight arse.

You wouldn't get that finger back.

Ooh, here we go. Someone is putting on a show.

- Okay, wow. - Oh, my God.

Oh, it's Aisling Bea.

I'm not gonna be able for this now.

Very anxious to make someone else laugh.

So I actually hope that this'll be more of a connector of us,

er, not just as friends and colleagues, but as people.

Irish people hate vulnerability.

So that's one of my tactics.

But I hope this sort of brings home that it can't all be laughs.

She was making a lot of eye contact.

And I said, "No, I'm gonna give it right back to her."

And that we're all gonna have bad days.

This is a very evocative, sad song, particularly for Irish women.

We're all going to have days where we feel a little bit weaker.

And some of us in this room know that a little bit more than others.

So thank you very much for supporting me. Thank you, thank you.

All right, roll it.

Oh, her heart is low.

♪ My heart is low ♪

♪ My heart is so low ♪

♪ As only a woman's heart can know ♪

Sexist.

Ah. "A Woman's Heart."

The anthem of every Irish mammy in the '90s.

♪ As only a woman ♪

There was a weird vibe. Very confrontational.

Very confrontational from the start.

It's like a weird surreal dream that I can barely remember.

A part of you just has to zone out and go to a really dark place just to survive it.

Oh, the lyrics are gone.

It did kind of give off hastily written email vibes.

"What are you gonna do?" "I'm going to sing Mary Black, whatever."

"I'm gonna fly to LA."

Ha!

♪ My heart is low ♪

♪ My heart is so low ♪

Deirdre looks like she's at a showbiz funeral.

♪ ...a woman's heart can be ♪

♪ As only a woman ♪

♪ As only a woman ♪

She started with the lick-out and she was going...

And that was very tricky.

♪ As only a woman ♪

That's not helping a lot.

♪ As only a woman ♪

- One time! - Go on, you're nearly there.

That's encouraging, Dierdre.

Come on, you're nearly there.

♪ As only a woman's heart can be ♪

♪ As only a woman ♪

It's sexy.

♪ As only a woman ♪

♪ As only a woman's heart can know ♪

Amazing.

Encore. Encore.

Encore again.

A beautiful performance by me.

Critics are gonna be like, "Wow, wrong show for her."

Okay, thanks everyone. Goodbye.

Do you know that if you drive through any toll in the country

and you shout, "Toll me hole,"

you can get in without paying?

- So you don't have to flash, you just... - Yeah, but you have to shout it.

Do you need a "Toll me hole," thing inside your car?

No, you don't need a tag.

A little drizzle. Would that be...

- A little drizzle. - A lesbian thing? -

- Erm, a little drizzle. - A little drizzle.

It should be a bit more of a flooding than a drizzle, ideally.

Oh, my Gosh. You must have the fucking sheets in the wash permanently, would you?

Catherine's face!

Okay, Dierdre, that was very close.

I didn't love that.

- Actually, Dave, could you just... - Yeah.

Put that bus in the middle of that ramp.

This is the best day of my life.

The Den. A date with Deirdre O'Kane.

I just have some dinner entertainment for you, just some dinner entertainment.

- You can stay where you are though. - Great.

Just do me a favour, just don't walk there in the next minute.

- 'Cause you could get really hurt. - Oh, God.

Okay, Jason is obviously going to do a bit.

Is there anybody in the way?

No, no, it's all free, Jason. Yeah.

What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

Okay. Are you sure there's nobody in the way?

Nobody's in the way. It's all clear.

Okay.

He's got a helmet on for safety.

- That is very funny. - Very good.

- That's actually hilarious. - Okay, wait, another bus, another bus.

If I said it once, the sophistication on this show.

Two buses now.

Thanks, Ais for the sound.

Jason on that bike, that was tough.

He's a fine strapping lad.

Yes!

This is genuinely talent.

Okay, now... No wait. Take the buses out.

- Tony, do you wanna... - Yeah, yeah.

He was, like, Tony, do you wanna lay down? I was like, "Yes, hurt me."

Just do something, please. I need to feel again.

Dave, do you want to get the other side maybe, or...?

Okay.

I was literally Jason's bitch.

I was trying to sort of follow in his wake.

I don't know what I was doing. I was just trying to get involved.

His crotch just gingerly touching my nose as he throws his leg over.

Jason, back yourself

He technically made it. But at what cost?

Yay!

- Thanks, lads. - Oh, great.

We made it on the other side.

Teamwork makes a dream work.

- I'd like to have that helmet. - Jesus.

Jason, can I have a go on your bike?

Yeah. Here, Ais.

Can I have a go on your bike, Jason?

- Well, I tell you what you have to do. - Yeah.

Put on my glasses so I can see the road straight.

So what Ais has to do, you know the... Oh, my God.

- What? - You gotta lean on the handlebars.

So lean forward, not too much or you topple.

- Oh. - Now I'll give you a little push.

- Yeah. And you'll be there the whole time. - Use...

You're not going to let go of the back of it, are you?

- Use your heels. - You won't let go of the back of it

and just let me fall, will you, Jason?

Go, Ais, you doing... No.

Oh! Ow! Oh...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Ow.

Oh, no, my actual foot. Ahh, balls.

- You broke the bike. - Sorry.

Medic. Can you get the medic in?

Oh, Aisling, I'm sorry.

- Oh, shit. You might have sprained it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, I'm such an idiot.

She shouldn't have gone on that bike. I was telling everyone this is not safe.

Oh...

Are you the medic?

What happened?

Oh, my God.

I think I went mad.

Argh, Tony!

- Oh! - That's it, it's a red card.

Jesus, Mary and fucking Joseph.