All language subtitles for Hacks.S05E03.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, God, I think
I've got an ace in the hole.

Okay, well, it's not exactly
the most practical ensemble.

Practical doesn't get you press.

I need something that gives
Madison Square Garden headliner

and also timeless,
humble sex icon.

Hmm, I always wondered

what Machiavelli
would have been like

if he'd been warped
by boomer misogyny.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Nico Hayes,

the Palmetto's newest
artist in residency.

[cheers and applause]

I know it's, like,
obvious to say that

an international
rock star is hot,

but, like, he's hot.

Deborah. Hi.

Would you like to do the carpet?

Oh, me?

I'm... I'm kind of shy,
but sure, I'll try it.

♪ No broke boys,
no new friends ♪

♪ I'm that pressure
give me my tens ♪

♪ Ain't no lie,
ain't no shade ♪

♪ Fuck on me,
then you know he paid ♪

♪ Look so good,
makes no sense ♪

♪ Badass bitch
with my badass friends ♪

♪ No broke boys,
ain't no shade ♪

♪ Fuck on me,
then you know he paid ♪

♪ No broke boys,
no new friends ♪

[music continues indistinctly]

So how are you feeling
about Marty's wedding?

Oh.

Oh, it's kind of
like a colonoscopy.

They happen every five years.

They're a pain in the ass,

but I'm passed out
for most of it.

Deborah, looking aces.

- Bonsoir.
- Hi.

Oh, my gosh, we were just
talking about your big day.

Ah, yeah.

Well, Victoria wanted
to keep it small,

but I said, baby,
this might be my last one.

Let's blow it out.

- [laughs]
- Might?

Oh, nothing says love

like a subjunctive verb.

[laughs]

Congratulations on your show

at Madison Square Garden.

Oh, thank you.

I miss New York.

To be young again.

I just can't picture you young.

Oh.
[laughter]

So sorry.

I have to go say bonjour
to the mini cheeseburgers.

I'll see you guys.

She calls the mini
because that way,

it seems normal
when she eats five.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, you can have it.

- Oh.
- Yeah, totally.

Thank you.
Really appreciate it.

I live with a woman
who doesn't believe in

having snacks in the house,
so I needed this.

You got it.
I love the tie.

Very cool.

Thank you.

Um, I got it
at the men's section

at the Ross Dress for Less
on the strip.

- Oh, never been.
- Oh, you must go.

- Okay, I'll check it out.
- [laughs]

Uh, you might want
to avert your eyes.

I'm gonna eat this really fast.

I kind of want to watch.

Okay, freak.

[laughs]

Oh, my God.
- Mmm.

You think they'd let me play
blackjack in this thing?

- Oh, Deborah.
- Mm-mm.

Yes. This dress?

Marty, no scotch?

No, I need to stay sharp
for these young VC guys

who just bought
the Palmetto Group.

They're obsessed with
hitting their macros

and biohacking.

There's so many new terms

for eating disorders these days.

Literally.

So what are they like?

They're young. Great guys.

They're, uh...
what do they call it?

Strategically editing,

meaning they're offloading
properties,

like the Paradiso downtown.

- What?
- No, that...

that casino's legendary.

My grandma lost
her retirement there.

I mean, it should be protected

as a historical landmark.

I agree,

but it's above my pay grade now.

Okay, they're coming this way.
I gotta go.

Marcus, what's a cool app
I can bring up?

Um, Chase Mobile banking?

Okay.

- Hi, Deborah.
Nico is a huge fan.

He's wondering if you have
a moment to meet him.

- Oh, certainly.
- Okay, great.

Excuse me, fellas.

- [scoffs] I almost wore that.
- [snorts]

So first she dates Jim Carrey
in "The Mask"... green...

and then Fiona's dating Shrek...
green.

I'm going,
what is happening here?

Are you saying that Cameron
Diaz has a green guy fetish?

I'm not saying she has a fetish,

but I'm saying
if it happens again,

then something's afoot.

Isn't she in "The Green Hornet"?

- Oh, my God!
- [laughs] Oh, my God.

This goes all the way
to the top.

[phone buzzing]

- Sorry, one second.
Um... oh.

No, I have to go.

Oh.

Sorry.

It was nice meeting you.

You too. Yeah.

See ya.

Uh, okay, I'm sorry.

Um, I think you're really cute.

Uh, do you want to get
a drink sometime?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I've said it enough times. Yes.

[laughs] Okay, but I...

I feel like I need
to be up-front with you,

because it's been
kind of an issue

in the past with dating.

Um...

I'm a sex worker.

- That is awesome.
- Really?

Yeah, really.

That is totally rocking.

For sure. Oh, my God.

I've been saying
sex work is work forever.

I... I wasn't the first one
to say it,

but I was definitely
in the first thousand.

- [laughs]
Okay. Then...

- Cool.
- Cool. Yeah.

Um, do you want to...

Yeah, yeah,
I'll put my number in.

Oh, and, um, I...

I should be up-front
with you as well.

I am a comedy writer,

and that has been
an issue for me

when it comes to dating,

just because we can be annoying.

- Damn.
- So...

- You were almost perfect.
- [laughs]

Excited to meet you.

Right this way.

Nico, this is Deborah.

Deborah, Nico.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- It is so nice to meet you.

I've been a huge fan
since you did...

Oh, please,
if you're gonna name an event

that happened after 1990,

don't finish that sentence.

Fair enough,
but it's nice to meet someone

who I admire so much in person.

Well, it's nice to meet
a fellow Lancôme ambassador.

[laughs]

And congratulations
on your residency.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I wouldn't be
doing any of this

if it wasn't for you.

Oh, come on.

Seriously.

Before you did a residency,

Vegas was just magicians
and acrobats.

You made it cool for artists.

Yeah, I know my...

Oh, don't say history.

Icons.

[camera shutter snaps]

Thank you.

Welcome to Vegas.

[chuckles]
- Thanks.

Can we get a picture?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

♪ I can't help but dance
on the ceiling ♪

♪ When I'm with you,
I'm dreaming, oh ♪

♪ In your bubblegum
blue jeans ♪

Change "disassociating"
to "reclining elegantly."

And change "sweatpants"
to "cashmere slacks."

Okay, so in Singapore,
you were so depressed,

you were reclining elegantly
in cashmere slacks?

Yeah, that's how I remember it.

[phone buzzes]
- Me too.

- Oh.
- Great.

- It's Jimmy. Hello, hello.
- Hello.

So I got a very
interesting request.

Nico Hayes's publicist called
and said that Nico

would love to take you out
to dinner.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

There are photos of you guys
from last night

that are breaking the internet.

I mean, not literally,

though my Wi-Fi is slow today.

Anyway, there's already
a hashtag.

People are calling you guys
"Nicorah."

Oh, how interesting.

I do want to flag that I'm
not pressuring you in any way

into any sort
of sexual situation.

It's very important to me that

you have your own private,

intimate, sensual life

and that I have
no influence over that.

And as a matter of safety,

I am recording
this conversation.

Jimmy, he's not asking me out
on a real date.

He's just trying
to get attention

for his new residency.

It's a PR stunt date
and very shrewd of him.

And since I'm still
bound and gagged,

I need all the free publicity
I can get.

So yeah, tell her I'm in.

- Okay, great.
You two can talk shop,

performer to performer.

You know what I always say.

Stars, they're just
like each other.

Oh, while I have you,
do you want to be

a guest on a "Xena"
rewatch podca... hello?

[phone beeping]
[phone thuds]

- I have a fake date.
- I know.

You take every call
on speakerphone

directly next to your head.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

With these beams removed,
this ceiling just opens up.

It smells like dust.

You know, I hate it when you say

we're going to the gym,
and then you just bring me

on a tour of some
old-ass building.

I've only done that three times.

Besides, this is different...
they're gonna tear down

one of the only historic
casinos left in Vegas.

I mean, with a little work,
this could be such a cool space

for people who want
to stay somewhere different,

like what the Ace did
in Palm Springs.

Mm, I love the slippers there...

like a blowjob for the feet.

- [chuckles]
- Okay.

So you want me to go around
knocking on walls?

Yeah, but in a real masc way.

Trust me, it prevents
price gouging.

- Oh.
- Here she comes.

Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I thought I found
a lump in my breast.

It turned out it was
a dried wasabi pea in my bra.

Hi. Meredith.
- Marcus.

- Hi.
- And that's such good news.

Wow.

Well, you like what you see?

I... I really do.

I think this is such
a special property,

and I would hate to see it
turn into a parking lot.

I agree completely.

We are on the same page.

What, are you, 6'2"?

Uh, 6'4".

Oh, my God.

My ex, 5'5".

It was like walking around
with a Minion.

So I was, uh, going
through the archives,

admiring the marble floors
before the reno.

- Yeah.
- Do you know

if they're still
underneath the carpet?

- You know what?
Here's my motto.

If they don't disclose,
I don't stick my nose.

Okay, so I have no idea.

But for you, I might
stick my nose somewhere.

- Okay.
- All right, here's the deal.

I find you very attractive,

and I'd like you
to take me out on Friday.

- [sighs] Oh...
- Okay?

[thudding]

Oh, that "clunkity-clunk"?

[scoffs]
- Oh.

That's a red flag, brother.

Um, I think we're gonna need,

like, another 10% off, probably.

- Who's this?
- This is my friend Wilson.

He, uh, just came to check out
the property with me.

So...

- Is this your boyfriend?
- No.

I mean, we... we used to date,

but now we're just
better off as friends.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

- Oh, don't be.
- I'm sorry.

Encroached on your territory.
My bad.

Will you forgive me?
- Yeah, you're good.

Okay, how about this?

Only thing better than
a date this weekend

is two gay guys
to hang out with.

Guacamole, chips.

Friday?
- Um...

Do you want this
fucking place or not?

Yes.

Let's go, girls! This way.

Let me show you upstairs.

Oh, wait.

It's this way.

♪ You needn't tell me ♪

♪ I know what's on your mind ♪

Deborah?

I'm in my closet!

♪ You needn't tell me ♪

♪ I know what's on your mind ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Baby, no ♪

- Hey.
- What's up?

Do you have a pair
of tweezers I could borrow?

I've been waiting for this day.

Okay, are we going
between the brows

or are we starting
from the ground up,

with the big toe?

I have a splinter.

Thank you.

God, there is
something so exciting

about getting ready
for a date with a man.

Maybe it's the tiny threat
of being killed

at the end of the night.

Well, mine's not really a date.

It's publicity, so it's
more of a work function.

Why are you so sure
it's not a real date?

Maybe he's
legitimately into you.

Even if he was,
I'm not into him.

He's not my type.

He's just too young and pretty.

I'm the pretty one.

[laughs] Yeah.

Anyway, what are you gonna
wear on your date?

Oh.

This.

[sighs] Go ahead.

That looks like something

that my grandson would wear

so that he could
poop out the back.

Oh, God, I wish.

That'd be so convenient.

All right, I'll text you
after the date.

Oh...
[phone buzzing]

Thanks.

Bye, girl.

[phone buzzing]

- Hi, doll.
How's my favorite paparazzo?

- Sensational.
We still on for tonight?

- Oh, yeah.
- "Daily Mail's" already

chomping at the bit
for these pics.

- Great.
I'd say get my good side,

but I've paid
to have them both be good.

[laughs]

[light jazzy music]

♪ ♪

[elevator dings]

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hello.

You look beautiful.

Ditto.

I think we have
the same stylist.

Well, it looks better on you.

Good evening.

Hi.

- Cell phones.
- I love it here.

They put a sticker
on your camera

so nobody can take any photos.

It's discreet.
It's private.

We can relax.

That's great.

I've been looking forward
to this all day.

Me too.

Okay, follow me.

After you.

[indistinct chatter]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Oh, um, sorry.

I just want
to clarify something.

Just FYI, I don't expect
us to hook up tonight

just because
you're a sex worker,

just like you wouldn't
expect me to, like,

write a monologue joke for you.

Just saying, I don't expect you
to blow my back out.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

But it's not work
if you love what you do.

[laughs] All right. Okay.

- [laughs]
- I love that.

But, um, in general, though,

that phrase is kind of like
a capitalist propaganda message

to get people
to, like, self-identify

with their labor output
to amass more productive hours.

Wow.

Did you go to grad school?

That's the hottest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

♪ And I'm hoping
we can hang around ♪

You knew Little Richard?

Knew him?

He offered me $5,000
to let him watch me pee.

- No.
- [laughs]

Oh, I would have done it,
but he was just so overeager,

it just kind of took
the fun out of it.

Oh, my God, that's insane.

[laughs]

So are you gonna have
your parents

come see your show?

Um, no.

I'm not really close
with my family.

Um, I emancipated
from my parents when I was 15.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Um, my dad sold
my homecoming photos

to E! News, and that was
kind of the final straw.

Mm.

The press are fucking vultures.

When I saw those stories
about you having a breakdown,

I knew it was bullshit.

Thank you.

[soft piano music playing]

So you just moved to Vegas,
all on your own,

just to do shows every night?

Yeah, didn't you?

Yeah.

I don't mind doing things
on my own.

Cutting ties with my parents
was actually great for me.

I took control of my career.

It ended up being
the best decision I ever made.

Good for you.

When I know what I want,

I don't hesitate.

♪ ♪

Maybe I should have hesitated
that time.

No, I just...

I was just gonna say,
I'm exactly the same.

[James Brown's
"Papa's Got a Brand New Bag"]

♪ Come here, sister ♪

♪ Papa's in the swing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ain't no drag ♪

♪ Papa's got a brand new bag ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [laughing]
[camera shutters snapping]

- Deborah, Deborah, right here.
- Oh, no. Oh, God.

- Nico, right here.
- Hey, back up.

Come on. Give us room.
- Oh, no.

- Right here, right here.
- Give her space.

I'm not saying it again.
- I need space.

It's such a violation.

There's my girl right here.

What's wrong with you people?

Just leave us alone.

- There you go. Protect her.
That's a good look.

Seriously,
you're bottom feeders.

You're just...

why don't you get a real job?

Scum.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You love it.

Oh, unbelievable.

♪ Got a brand new bag ♪

That's money.

♪ ♪

So I am gonna see him again,

but not till the weekend,

'cause tomorrow night,

he's having sex
with a married woman

while her husband watches
from a recliner.

- Oh.
- Really exciting.

And then Friday, he's having sex

with someone in a wheelchair.

Oh.

Which is so cool.

Sex work is so important.

- Of course.
- [sighs]

Oh, good.

You can talk to Deborah now.

Okay.

Hey.

[sighs]

- You okay?
- [sighs]

Oh, Ava.
[laughs]

You were right.

It was real.

[laughs]
- [gasps]

Oh, my God.
- And we...

we actually have
so much in common.

I mean, he's sexy,
and he's smart,

and... and he's funny,

and he just has
a great sense of style!

He's just... oh, Ava.

What?

We made out!

[both shrieking]

Oh, my God!

Way to bury the lede.

You kissed a girly guy,
and you liked it.

Oh!

Are you gonna see him again?

I hope so.

Ah! I have a good idea.

What?

Invite him to Marty's wedding.

- Oh, I couldn't.
- Yes.

- Could I?
- Of course you could.

You have a plus one, don't you?

Well, do... do you think
he'd want to?

Yes! Yes!

Text him now.

Okay, okay.

Oh.

Okay. Oh!

He already texted me.

What? What did he say?

"I had a wonderful night.

Next time, we should get
pumpkin soup!"

[laughs]

What?

Just pumpkin soup.

It was just this whole bit,
and we were laughing.

[laughs]

How hard were you laughing?

- Oh, stop. All right.
Tell me what I should say.

Okay, okay.

Um, "Had a wonderful night."
Okay. "Me too."

And then be like,
"Hey, going to this

"random-ass wedding
next weekend.

Want to be my plus one?"
- Want to be my plus one?

Yeah. Great.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- Okay, which emojis?
- No.

No emojis.

- [gasps]
- No.

Okay, send.

[both gasp]
- Oh, okay.

See the little bubbles.
He's texting back.

- He's texting back!
- This man's on his phone.

Oh, my God. Ah!

[laughs]

Literally funny.

That's hilarious.

"Can I wear white?"

Really, really funny.

- I told you he was funny.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, he's in.

He's in! Oh, my God.

Okay, I gotta call Marty.
- Oh, my God.

Wait. Right now?
It's, like, midnight.

- It's ringing.
- Okay.

[ringtone chiming]

[groans] Oh.

Oh, Deb.

You all right?
- Hi, Marty.

I need to change my RSVP
to your wedding.

I am bringing a guest after all.

He's this really hot, young guy,

and he's really funny too.

Oh, you know him. Nico Hayes.

Okay, that's fine.

Uh, uh, I'll tell
the wedding planner.

Goodnight now.

Oh, Marty, can I bring
a sex worker?

[chuckles] Yeah, sure.

Go ahead. Yeah.
- Thank you.

[both shrieking]

Oh, my God!

♪ Call her that summer ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

Hi. [laughs]

Hey.

So now you're a fan?

- Huge. Hey, listen.
[song starts]

What do you think
these lyrics are about?

- Um...
- Oh, never mind.

I'll have Damien Google it.

You want some coffee? Tea?
- Oh, no, no.

This will be quick.
I just want to get

your advice on something.
- Sure.

So after Marty told us
about the Paradiso,

I went down and took a look.

I'm thinking about buying it.

I'm gonna renovate it,
make it a cool boutique

hotel casino,
since there's really nothing

like it left in the city.

Wow. That's interesting.

I've always loved that space.

- Oh, I know.
The location is perfect.

Historical building.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Honey, that...
that's a huge undertaking.

I mean, you have to deal
with the Gaming Commission,

the... the unions, the permits.

Plus, tourism is down,
and there's a reason

there's no independent
casinos anymore.

Ah, I don't know.

That's an awful big risk.

So you wouldn't?

If I were you, no.

Keep your money in an index
and wait for a lower lift.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

Thanks for the reality check.

Mm.

I mean, I could get a discount

if I sleep with the realtor.

Mm. Was he cute?

- He's a woman.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

[gasps] You know what else
I found out about Nico?

Hmm?

He's a huge
anti-bullying advocate.

Isn't that cool?

That could be an issue for you.

- Oh, shut up.
[laughter]

♪ Till the cows come home ♪

♪ Hittin' like summer squash ♪

I still can't believe you
bought this whole place out.

Well, I wanted us to be
free, to, you know...

- [laughs]
- To do whatever.

[laughs]

[soft music playing]

Mm.

[chuckles]

So how was your first
week of shows?

Oh, it was okay.

Just okay?

When I tour,
I change up the set list.

And here, I'm doing the same
exact show every night.

And, um, I'm just
getting used to it.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

But just remember, people come
from all over the world

to see residencies here.

Even though you're in the same
place doing the same thing,

you know, I like
to think of it as performing

for the whole world all at once.

It's a good way
of looking at it.

♪ ♪

I think there's a lot
I could learn from you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

How about we skip dessert
and get out of here?

Check, please!

[laughs]

[kissing, moaning]

[grunting]

[panting] God damn.

Oh.

I see why you do that
for a living.

[laughs] Thank you.

You aren't so bad yourself.

Um, listen, I don't want to, um,

jump the G-word... gun...

but, um, the owner
of the Palmetto

is getting married
next Saturday,

and I have a plus one if...

if you want to come with me.

I don't know.
- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I... I'd love that.
- Okay, cool.

I don't think I have a gig
that day, but let me check.

Oh. Oh, my gosh. No pressure.

I know that, like,
dating a sex worker means

that, like, you might not
be available

on nights or... or weekends.

Uh, no,
this wouldn't be for that.

Um, I thought I might have
a magic show that day,

uh, but no.

It looks I'm free.

What? What?

Oh, well, sex work
pays the bills,

but my dream job is magician.

[chuckles]

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Why did you think
I moved to Vegas?

To be a prostitute.

What? No, no. [laughs]

- No?
- No. Um...

Oh, okay.

Um, here, let me
show you a trick.

[chuckles]

Okay. All right.

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

This is just a regular box
of unlit matches, right?

I wish.

But guess again.

[match striking]

I think it's the lube
all over my hands.

[clinking]
Fuck.

You weren't supposed
to see the coins.

[clinking]

But it's a work in progress!

Ah. Mm.

- Mm.
- I'll practice.

- Fab.
- [mouthing words]

What?

Hear me, probably,

because there was
a coin in your ear.

- Oh!
- Isn't that...

Ow!

[coughing]

That's a good one too.
You want that one?

They're coming out!

[camera shutters snapping]
- Oh, no.

Deborah!

- Nico, how was the date?
Are you two official?

No. Out of the way.

Oh, come on, Deb.

You called me before,
but nothing for us tonight?

[camera shutters snapping]

Don't listen to him.

Let's go.

[camera shutters snapping]

Larry, can you give us a second?

[window whirring]

Was it you
who called the paparazzi

on our first date?

[chuckles] Yes.

And was it you who put
the napkin I used on eBay?

No!

I feel totally violated.

Well, listen, I...

I... I did call them
on our first date,

but not the other times.

Why would you call them at all?

Because when you asked me out,

I thought you were doing it
for publicity,

which I totally get.

But once I knew

that you genuinely liked me,

uh, I realized
I felt the same, and...

I can't do this.

Nico, don't let
a little mistake ruin us.

What "us"?

Us, us, "Nicorah."

[laughs]

I'd like to go home now.

Maybe you can get a ride home
with your paparazzi friend.

Come on, Nico. Come on.

[camera shutters snapping]

Oh, trouble in paradise?

- Nico!
[speaking indistinctly]

[knocking]

Yeah,
the wedding is... is, um,

uh, cocktail attire, 4:00.

- Yeah.
I think I'm busy that night.

Oh, no.

Oh, Deb.

♪ Tonight,
it's just another ♪

Walk of shame.

Hope you got some
comfy shoes on, Deb.

I'm not gonna let you
retouch these.

♪ To keep the tears
from coming ♪

♪ Coming to my eyes ♪

♪ Oh, no, not another alibi ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, what's going on?

I've been waiting for you
downstairs.

You want to work up here?

- Sure. Whatever.
- [sighs]

So I think we should start
with the opener,

'cause it's not really
feeling there yet, right?

What do you think?
[keys clacking]

Deborah, who are you texting?

Nobody.

- Let me see your phone.
- No.

That's an invasion
of my privacy.

- Deborah, let me see it.
- No. Don't.

- Let me see it.
- What are you doing?

- Let me see it!
- What? Get away!

- Stop.
- Stop it!

- I'm trying...
- This is my phone!

What is wrong with you?
- Let me...

Oh! God damn it! Ah!

- Give it to me.
- Oh, God, you're strong.

- Give it.
- Jesus!

Ah! Shit.

Oh, my God, Deborah. No!

There's so much blue.

You're writing him a novel.

Well, Nico hadn't
gotten back to me

for a while,
so I was just bumping.

No, these texts say
"not delivered."

Oh.

Oh, well, thank God.

I mean, that... that means
he hasn't even gotten them.

That's a relief.

No, Deborah.

It means...

he blocked you.

What?

Yeah.

He... he blocked me?

Blocked ya.

Then I'll block him right back.

I'll block him straight to hell!

Hey, I'm gonna go downstairs.

I'm gonna get you a Diet Coke.

I'm gonna bring out my copy
of "Anxiously Attached:

How to Be More Secure
in Life and Love,"

and then we're gonna get back
to work, okay?

[keys clacking]

Hey, he blocked you.

He's not getting those texts.

So say you.

Oh, my God.

How do you block back?

Ah!

Chill!

[dog whimpers]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Deborah, this is my date, Eli.

Eli, this is my boss,
writing partner,

and housemate, Deborah.

It's nice to meet you.

I hope you two can hold on
to what you have.

I'm gonna get another drink.

[liquid sloshes]

I'm sorry, she's usually
much meaner than that.

Well, well, well,
doth my eyes deceive me,

or is my standing
Sunday afternoon appointment

at the Vegas wedding
of the year?

Hi, Joanna.

Hey.

Eli's my date.

[chuckles] Yeah. Listen.

I know from experience,
he's only got about

three or four in the tank
daily, so, you know,

don't wear them
all the way out, sister.

Hello, Mayor Pezzimezzi.

Hello, my lovely constituents.

Marilyn and Herman, this is...

- Ava.
I work with Deborah Vance.

I think we met at the Town Hall
where Deborah argued

against the city
recognizing Labor Day.

- Of course.
- And this is Eli.

- Pleasure to meet you.
And what do you do?

I'm a magician.

A magician, illusionist.

Well, he's a sex worker, mainly.

- Oh.
- No, he's not a worker.

He's an artist.

And I prefer the term gigolo.

More European, right?

[orchestral music]

♪ ♪

["Bridal Chorus" playing]

Oh.

♪ ♪

- FBI!
- FBI!

[music stops]
- Federal agents!

- Stand back. Stay right there.
- FBI!

Eleanor Guillon,
you're under arrest.

Victoria. What the hell?

Who's Eleanor?
What... what's going on?

Ms. Guillaume is
wanted for fraud

domestically and in France.

Sorry about the timing, sir,
but we had to apprehend her

before she fled the country.

You mean our honeymoon?

Marty, the name was fake,

but the love was real.

[sighs]

[crowd murmuring]

I demand to be tried in France.

We'd appreciate it
if everyone would

please stay at the venue.
- Oh, my God.

We're gonna need to get
some statements.

Let's go.
- No.

[speaking French]

Wow. [clears throat]

[crowd murmuring]

Yeah.

And I thought
the dress was criminal.

[snorts] This is terrible.

[upbeat music]

- Mm.
- Wow.

♪ Now everybody's
been talkin', ha ♪

♪ And telling me nothin',
oh, yeah ♪

- Please.
I know you're faking it.

You're good at that.

Hey, I was just grilling him.

He seems to really like you,
Raggedy Ann.

- [chuckles]
- I offered him $2,000

for the night,
and he wouldn't take it.

Oh, you should do it.

Yeah, you should do it.

I... I don't want
to hold you back.

No, I want to spend
the night with you.

I can show you
the coin trick later.

It's getting really tight.

No, no, no, no.

You... you should...
you should get that money.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Listen to my Eskimo sister here.

Why are you pressuring me
to do sex work?

Do you have an issue
with my magic?

- Oh.
- Hey, I got no issue.

We could do it Voldemort style.

Ava?

Do I have an issue
with your magic?

It... it's an interesting
question.

I just... I guess
I just feel like

you're so, so good at sex.

- Mm.
- And sex work is so important.

- Mm.
- And I guess I just feel like

magic is less important.

Wait, you said
that you were okay with

whatever I did for work.

I didn't think
that one of those things

could be magic.

I mean, come on,
don't you feel a little cringe

when you're doing the tricks?

Like, honestly.
- No.

I feel a little more cringe
when a stranger

sticks a personalized dildo
of their ex-boyfriend's dick

in my mouth.

Fit like a glove, as I recall.

Hey, I'm not here to sex shame.

No, you're just here
to magic shame.

This is so fucked up.

Looking down on me
for being a magician

is just as bad as looking down
on me for being a sex worker.

No, it's not.

Magicians aren't marginalized.

Then name one magician
who's ever served

on the Supreme Court.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay, listen.

It's getting
a little heated here.

Let's relax.

Let's go up to my room,

have a little nightcap.

You can come too,
Peppermint Patty.

That's the gay one, right?

No.

We're done.

And I'm done doing sex work.
- Hey.

- No!
- That...

- No!
- Don't be rash.

I'm gonna make it as a magician,

and I'm gonna prove you wrong.

[clattering]

Supposed to be smoke.

- No, no.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, hey.

God!

[sighs]

What did you do?

Listen to me.

It's Saturday at dusk.

You got 18 hours to find me
a new Sunday boy,

so tick-tock, Missy.

Oh, my God.

Fuck, man!

I'm not getting you
a Sunday boy.

Yeah, I don't want
to talk to you anymore.

[knocking]

Come in.

Hey.

You okay?

How could I be so stupid?

Well, she was old.

It was the perfect smokescreen.

Yeah, they're calling
what she did to me elder fraud.

It's peer-to-peer fraud.

- Mm.
- [chuckles]

I really thought
she was the one.

Well, her real crime

was not realizing
how wonderful you are.

Deb, I know this is crazy,

but what do you say
we get married?

The priest is still here.

The caterers are ready to go.

Me and you.

Come on, let's finally do it.

Marty...

Deborah Marie Vance,
will you marry me?

No.

Oh, God.

All right. [sighs]

- Marty...
- Huh?

You know how I feel about you,

but you've got to stop
asking people to marry you.

It's a compulsion.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[chuckles]

Man, I just feel
like such a loser.

If it makes you feel any better,

I was just dumped and blocked
by an international rock star.

Mm-kay.

Sounds like you still
got to date a rock star.

Yeah, but I got my heart broken.

I'm very sad about it.

But I mean, I should
actually be thrilled.

I mean, what a gift
to still be taking risks.

Come on, we both got
our hearts broken.

Aren't you glad that
you're still putting yourself

out there like that?

I mean, a lot of people our age
are just too busy

collecting commemorative coins.

[chuckles]

You love falling in love,
and you will again.

I know it.

I mean, you own
multiple properties.

You still have your own hair.

You're chum in the water.

[laughs]

Well, are you sure you don't
want to be Mrs. Marty Vance?

[laughs]

I'll tell you what.
- Hmm?

If we're both single
when we're 100,

I'll marry you.

Well, that's something
to look forward to.

- Mm.
- Hmm.

[Benny Latimore's
"Have a Little Faith"]

♪ ♪

♪ They just don't realize ♪

Marcus, Marcus.

I was wrong.

You should do the Paradiso.

It is exactly what Vegas needs.

I appreciate that.

I... I really do,
but you were right.

My business manager
looked at the numbers,

and it is too big of a risk.

If you don't take risks,
you're as good as dead.

What if we did it together?

Now, I'm not trying
to insert myself here.

I... I could be
as involved as you want,

but I miss working with you.

I miss conniving with you.
- [chuckles]

We would be partners this time,

totally equal.

Or... or I could just be
a silent investor,

whatever you want.

What do you say?

Want to?

I do.

[laughs]

♪ Gonna keep on ♪

- What a great day.
- [laughs]

♪ Yeah,
I'm gonna keep on, oh ♪

[engine rumbles]

- Wow.
- Isn't it beautiful?

If you would have told me
five years ago

that I would be part owner
of a casino,

I would not have believed ya.

You own no part of this.

You are literally just here.

Yeah, but even that is crazy.

[notification dings]

Oh, wait.
- What?

Uh, Kiki just sent me
this video.

She thinks it's about you.

[soft acoustic music]

♪ ♪

♪ But you're a funny girl ♪

♪ Yeah, something's funny ♪

♪ Funny how you lie
so easily ♪

Oh!

♪ So I guess
the joke's on me ♪

♪ Whoa, funny girl ♪

Oh, his fan army
is really coming after you

in the comments.
- What?

Let me see.

They're calling me "chopped."

What does that mean?

I mean, am I in danger?

No, no, they're just
insulting your looks.

What?

That's even worse!

I don't know. Is it?

I mean, people are
gonna want to hear

your side of the story
at the MSG show.

It... it could be good
for ticket sales.

That's true.

If he can make art about me,
I can make art about him.

It's a two-way street.

[phone chimes]
I need to clap back.

Call Diane Warren!

[upbeat music]

♪ I'm not gonna
lay down and die ♪

♪ So fuck you
and fuck your goodbye ♪

♪ I'm the one who'll be fine ♪

♪ And you're the one
who'll be cryin' ♪

♪ So take one last look ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all
you're gonna get ♪

♪ You're gonna miss all this ♪

♪ You'll regret
the day it ends ♪

♪ You'll see ♪

♪ You won't find a one
as cool as me ♪

♪ All of me is awful sorry
for you ♪

♪ That's the one that
I would hate to be ♪

♪ I'd hate to be the one
losing me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I'd hate to be
the one losing me ♪