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[theme music playing]

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♪ [mezzo soprano singing aria] ♪

[jeep approaching]

[brakes screeching]

Aah! Sh--

♪ [Mezzo soprano singing finale] ♪

Guess who, Charles!

We've come back.

Like a belch from a bad onion.

Hey, give us a hug!

Get away, get away!

Who knows where you've been?

Well, we certainly don't.

Probably lying in a gutter in Tokyo.

The hotels were full, so we took a sewer with bath.

Aren't we going to ask youwhat we brought you?

No. Because whatever it is,

either I have it or I don't need it.

Ha! Wrong!

You don't have it,and you desperately need it.

[chuckles]We found this

at the sumo wrestlingmatches in Tokyo

and thought of you.

[laughing]

B.J.: It was lyingat the side of the ring.

They play rough over there.

Try, try not to be absurd.

HAWKEYE: You thinkthis is absurd?

The winner gottwo ears and a tail!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

-Wait a minute. Hold it. What?-What happened to this place?

-It's different. -It's been cleaned,

fumigated, and some ofthe fungus hacked away.

Look at this!All my fleas are dead!Murderer!

I merely put out the contract.

Let me introduce you to the hit man.

[bell ringing]

Charles, you never told usyou play the bell.

-Breakfast. -Ahh, Kwang.

This is all the new dirtthat I warned you about.

Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt,

this is my new houseboy Kwang Yong.

HAWKEYE: Kwang.

How'd he get you? At gunpoint or trap?

I screened a number of applicants. Kwang suited me best.

Tough luck, kid.

It's awfully hard to find good help over here.

Oh, I quite agree, Charles.

What with bombs fallingon their huts and all,

you never know whether they'regonna show up for work or not.

How much are youunderpaying him, Charles?

None of your business,

and keep your mildewedundergarments to yourself.

Major say to me, "I pay youa dollar an hour once a day."

How can you afford him,Charles?

It's the going rate. It's the going rate.

Besides, he gets his meals thrown in.

-When he doesn't throw out,he throws up. -Ha ha ha.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Welcome back, Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.

Don't even give a man a chance to unpack.

More casualties.

What other plagues did you bring back with you?

Oh, we were gonna keepthe hail and locustsas a surprise.

Darn.

Well, don't juststand there, Kwang.

Have this shirtcleaned and pressed.

Light starch on the cuffsand the collar.

Oh, disinfect whateverof mine they may have touched.

[grumbles]

KWANG [narrating]: Dear Comrade,

As instructed by the Intelligence Section

of the People's Army,

I have begun a careful surveillance

of the 4077th MASH.

I will remain here until I learn the methods they use

to achieve their remarkable record of success.

I have established myself with an ideal cover.

You're more than kind.

I'm playing a grinning lackey

to a capitalist fool.

Hemostats. Plenty of them.

Easy, Doctor. We're running low.

Of course we're low.We are always running low.

What I want to know is why.

It can't be for lack of funds.

The governmenthas most of the money.

My taxes aloneare proof of that.

I probably financedthis entire hospital.

What I want to know iswhere are my damn hemostats?

Have you checked under your tax shelters?

Would you look at this boy?

Head to toe, he's one big rash.

They never learn from thosetraining films, do they?

Is it patches of tiny, red,raised lesions, Colonel?

Yeah. He's up to his epaulets in 'em.

Why? You know what it is?

No, but the last guy I workedon had the same thing.

These boys must have tiptoed

through the same poisoned tulips.

Probably an allergy, Colonel.

Since there are only 10,000exotic allergies in Korea,

we should be able to isolateit in, oh, I'd say--

say, about 10 years.

That's the attitude, Charles.

No matter how dark it gets,keep pulling down the shades.

-[mock guffaws] -KWANG: Nurse?

You are a nurse?

Since you're new here,I'll overlook that.

Why you wear the uniform of a nurse?

It's a disguise.

I'm hiding from sanity.

That's crazy.

See? It's working.

Ahh.

HAWKEYE: Give me some suction.I can't see...

For such an efficient unit,

their behavior in surgery

is extremely haphazard and undisciplined.

As for their off-duty behavior-- Decadent.

[chattering]

One for the honey. Two for the schmo.

Three for the loser,and I'll keep the dough.

You know, that used to bemy money he's drooling on.

-And what isn't yours is mine.-What's mine is yours, Margaret.

-I'll be glad to make a littleadvance to ya. -How much?

-As much as I can get away with in public. -Major Winchester,

ready for hot towel?

Ah, Kwang, you are a pearl.

Uncultured, but a pearl.

Say, you think you couldget him to get me a beer?

He only serves wine.

Oh. Great. I'll have that.

To me.

-Anything else, Major?-Put some cement in hisfootbath, Kwang.

After it hardens, we'll takehim for a dip in the river.

Thank you, Kwang. That will be all.

Oh, I think I'll listento the Rachmaninoff tonight.

It's easy to find. It's the album cover with the big "R"

and all the little letters after it.

-It's to you, Cimoli. -Yeah. Thirty bucks.

Uh-uh. Too high. I'm out.

-All guts.-Thank you for the cleaning.

You know our motto: In by 11:00, cleaned by 5:00.

Gentlemen, Rachmaninoff awaits.

-If he's got any money,send him over.-[Charles mock laughs]

Before I drop out, can anybody beat a pair of deuces?

-[Hawkeye chuckles] -Bye.

All right. It's justyou and me, Cimoli.

I'll see your 30and raise you 50.

-50? You're bluffin'. -Oh, yeah, right.

That's why I got third-degreeburns on my fingers.

Now you're scaring me. Here. 50. 50 more.

You gonna take that, Gaylord?

50 and a hundred more.

Call.

-Let's see your money.-Hey, you know I'm good for it.

Uh-uh. No credit extendedto visiting supply sergeants.

It's nothing personal.He just doesn't trust you.

You're bluffing. I know that.

All right. I'll cover your hundred with a jeep.

Now you're bluffing.If you can't get a hundred,

where are yougonna get a jeep?

Hey, I'm the supply sergeant, remember?

Yeah. So?

So I just might happen to know of a few jeeps

that somehow missed gettingon my official inventory, huh?

-Call. -Uh-huh.

-Two pair. -[snickering]

I knew you were bluffin'.Full house. Jacks up sevens.

You don't understand.Two pair.

Yeah?

A pair of black 9sand a pair of red 9s.

Four 9s you got?

Oh, is there a doctor in the house?

The doctor is the house,and he thanks you.

Drive it in, Cimoli,and put it on the table.

I ain't got a jeep on me.

I'll have to bring it by later.

As long as it's hereby next Saturday night.

I got a date with a nurse,and I need somethingto run out of gas in.

All right. Let's go again.I'll open with a B-29.

Son, I know it's like trying

to hold the ocean back with a broom,

but try not to scratch.

Yes, sir. What isthis rash, anyway?

Well, we're workin' on it. All we're sure about

is you guys got the same thing from the same place.

Now, stop scratching.

Working on it.

Darned if I know what to useon these guys. Nothin' works.

Maybe we shouldhave them all declawed.

I'm gonna get on the horn to Seoul.

They must have a doctorstashed away somewhere

who knows something about skin.

If he's down there,he knows about saving his own.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Please.Try and eat something.

[speaking Korean]

I'm sorry,but I don't understand.

Excuse me, sir,

but he thinks you are trying to poison him

because he is North Korean.

Poison him? Me?

Certainly not.

See? Good guy.

[Korean]

He say you taste it first.

I was saving that as a last resort.

Well... down the hatch...

I hope.

Ha ha!

Dr. Nagle?

Is this Dr. Nagle, the dermatologist?

Colonel Sherman Potter,MASH 4077.

You're a tough man to track down, buddy.

We tried the country club,but you were on the back 9.

We've got a rash problem here.

Rash! Rash!

Listen. Could you speak up?I can't hear you over the band.

Ask if they take requests.

I'd love to hear "I'veGot You Under My Skin."

Or "Epidermis RiverBy the Old Mill Stream."

Will you clowns shut up?

Well, the symptomsare inflamed vesicles

with drainage, crusting, and severe itching.

Cha-cha-cha.

No kidding.

He says it sounds likea reaction to something.

Why didn't we think of that?

Doctor, could you bea little more specific?

Well, if you had your choiceamong the hundreds of rashes

indigenous to Korea, which would it be?

This guy's really a nit.

We're gettingnowhere, Doctor.

Maybe you could break awayfrom your busy schedule

and take a lookat what we've got here.

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, if General Imbriehas a boil,

I can certainly see whereyou'd want to sit on it.

Yeah. Well, I'm keeping youoff the dance floor.

Listen. Voop!

So we're back to scratch.

Captain Pierce, there's a delivery for you outside.

Oh, rats! They found me!

I've been evading my draft notice.

It's green. It moves.

-My lunch.-And it's from Sergeant Cimoli.

My jeep!

[whooping]

Aha! I love it! Ha ha!

But you'll have to get ridof that exhaust pipe.

[imitates motor revving]

What are you doing, sir?

Idling in my newconvertible.

No, sir. My convertible. Your exhaust pipe.

What are you talkin' about?

This is from Cimoli,isn't it?

I think you'd better read this.

"Couldn't swing the jeep.

The Howitzer is all I could get. Happy hunting."

Could you give me a handunhooking your gun, sir?

No! What am I gonna do with a Howitzer?

Cimoli!That four-wheel flusher!

I want bearing and coordinates.

I'll get him right in the azimuth.

-It's all yours, sir. -No. Wait a minute.

Don't go yet. Wait. Look.

I'll trade you the Howitzerfor the jeep, straight out.

I got ordersto deliver one gun.

They didn't say nothin'about bringin' one back.

Wait a minute. Take it all,but that's my final offer!

What the hell is this?

It's a great hood ornament.Where's the jeep?

You're lookin' at it. He just drove away in the Howitzer.

Pierce, get rid of that thing.

We're a noncombat unit,and we're gonna stay that way.

Somebody'll see this,and we'll draw enemy fire.

Well, Dobbin,

it looks like nobodyloves ya, including me.

Just have to take youout to the field and shoot ya.

[grunting, straining]

Why don't I just leave it here

and build the town square around it?

Out!

Pull down this end.I'll lift up over there.

Ahem.

-[yelping] -[grunting]

Oh! Oh!

Thank you.

Hello, Charles. You got any rice you want puffed?

You are not bringing thatblunderbuss into the tent.

Just for tonight, Charles.We're having a little blast.

Ha ha. Come on, Kwang.

[grunting]

-Major? -Hmm?

What is hospital doing with big gun?

Knowing this unit, Kwang,

it's probably a newform of anesthesia.

Ahh!

You'll love it. Boiled beef. Move it out.

What do you mean, boiled beef?This is spoiled beef.

KWANG [narrating]: The Americans are as soft and weak-willed

as we have been led to believe, Comrade.

They are supplied with an abundance of rations,

and yet they whine about its quality.

KLINGER: All right. Step up and face the music.

Dinnerfor Major Winchester.

You've come to the right place:

Max Klinger's Kamikaze Kitchen.

One bite, and you hit the deck.

He say he just samplea little bit of everything.

You know what's wrong with that man? He's a coward.

If that gets too heavy, set it down.

It'll crawl there by itself.

Did you see big gunin compound?

Beauty, isn't it?

I may get one myself.

Just think of the self-inflicted wound it could cause.

Next!

You'll wise up.

Pierce, I think I finallyfound a place for your cannon:

An artillery battery down the road.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. Not an artillery unit. -Why not?

Sorry. If the Koreans wantto relandscape their country,

they're gonna have to digtheir own shell craters.

Oh, come on, Pierce.

Colonel, I'm not gonna givethat thing to somebodywho's going out there

-to drum up more business.-The pop gun is leaving.

Give me some more time.Maybe we can tradefor something useful.

Outside of an artillery unit,who would want it?

MacArthur's got a birthday coming up.Make a dandy pipe cleaner.

You got till tomorrow, Pierce. Then she goes to war.

Not so loud withthat word, Colonel.

The sound of itmakes her recoil.

Colonel, that rash is giving usreal problems in post-op.

The affected menare starting

to scratch under their bandages.

Oh, boy. Spreading it around.

I'm afraid they'llrip open their stitches.

We've gotta give themsome relief.

We've tried everything fromantihistamines to zinc oxide.

Then we'll have to try something else.

-What? -We got a lab, we got equipment.

We're supposed to have brains.

Let's use 'em and come up with an answer.

And that, children, is howthey invented chicken soup.

The Americans come here

woefully uninformed about Korea.

A simple rash. And with all their advanced training,

they have no idea what to do about it.

Give me a drop of neomycin.

If this fails, I'm seriously thinking

of giving those boys heavy sedation.

At least they'll get some sleep.

One whiff of this stuff will knock 'em out anyway.

Why don't we try astrology?

-Excuse me, sirs. -Oh, wait. Oh, hey.

Oh, sweet limburger.That's a nose breaker, that is.

The winner and new champion.

Apologize for smell.

Is boiled tree bark.

In Korean, Oh Dong Mul.

Thanks for the snack, son,but we're kind of busy.

No, no, no, no.It's for soldiers' rash.Local remedy.

Please try.Work every time. You see.

What do you think?

It's their rash.

Might as well try their remedy.

Couldn't hurt.

That stuffsure no good.

Okay, Kwang. You're the doctor.

Well, it's about time.Have you come up with something?

Hang on to your nylons,Margaret.

You're about to have themcurl around your ankles.

[dcreeches]What are you bringing in here?

Boiled tree bark, the way Mother used to make it.

It's an old Koreanfolk remedy.

Kwang guaranteesit'll cure the rash.

If that doesn't work,we'll try somethingmore modern, like leeches.

I think we shoulddo this scientifically.

Take one volunteeras a control.

Maybe somebody has a prisonsentence he wants reduced.

Attention, all rash patients.You know who you are.

We got a liquid herethat we hope'll stop the itch.

We have a couple of problems with it.

First of all, we don't know if it'll work.

And second, it's got a stink

that would offend B.O. plenty.

We can't force you to try it,

but we'd really like just one volunteer to test it.

The itch is mightier than the stench.

Wait. Just... Wait.

No. You're a band unit!

Well, every army band needs a howitzer.

Just think what it'll dofor your percussion section,

not to mention the "1812 Overture."

No. Don't hang up on me.What about hecklers?

You gotta protectyourself, right? Hello?

Hello?

-You got a minute?-You know, it's amazing.

Nobody wants that cannon

unless they can point it at somebody.

Funny you should say that.

I've got everything herethe Howitzer owner needs

who wants to turn his guninto a summer home for pigeons.

Would you run that by me again?

Let's put itout of our misery.

Little cement for hardeningof the artillery.

Ha hee hee!

Tool kitfor a "cannondectomy."

Tonight we operate.

Of course. Surgeryof the highest caliber.

Here. Right here.

Aha. Screwdriver.

Screwdriver.

Little lighton the patient.

[clicking]

There. One firing pin.

Dollar says I can make it skip three times in the cesspool.

-[splash] -No one'll find it there but the cook.

-Come on. Let's close. -Permanently.

Elevate the patient's head.

All right.

Okay.

Death takes a holiday.

Now that's art.

KWANG: Excuse me...

but what are you doing to gun?

Preventive maintenance,Kwang.

We fix it now, and no one willhave to worry about it again.

Ahh, Kwang understand.

No, he don't.This place very strange.

-Now you're catching on.-[imitates liquid chugging]

-MAN: Major, could youcome over here a second?-Yes, Welch.

Yes, Welch.

You know that stuff you put on my arm?

I think it's working.

Can I get it on the rest of me now?

Just stay right there.

Colonel Potter!

You sure it doesn't itch?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Could I have some more, please?

What's all the hoo-ha, Major?

It's Welch. He sayshis arm stopped itching.

-Really? -Why doesn't anybody believe me?

Let me see that wing, son.

Yep. It's starting to clear.

Ha! How about that Kwang?

We're lucky to have him on our side.

Can I get iton the rest of me now, sir?

Major, Oh Dong Mul all around.

Put it on my tab.

Comrade, my conclusions on 4077th MASH.

Their success is valid,

but their methods are so unorthodox

that duplication on our part would be impossible.

As for suggestion

that I abduct Major Winchester for questioning,

forget it. He is one big jerk.

Kwang, there's a rat under my bunk.

Crawl in and kill it, will you?

[grumble]

No rat, Major Winchester.Just me.

What are you doing?

Leaving you, sir.

Oh, fine.

I'll be rising at 7.

Warm a latrine stall for me, will you?

You're lea-- leaving? Whe-- What? What?

What do you mean, you're leaving? [groans]

I go look for better job.More pay. Less you.

How dare you do this to me.

When I found you, you were nothing.

I accepted you into my home,

gave you a sense offulfillment and self-respect

by allowing youto be my personal houseboy.

I name a son after you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Wha-- I'm sorry. Kwang, wait.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you-- Oh, this kills me--

I'll give you $1.50 a day,

but no more Thursday nights off.

Good-bye.

Wait a minute, Kwang. Now, be reasonable.

-You need me!-Sorry. Boat has sailed.

Kwang, you will get no references from me!

I assure you, you willnever work in Korea again!

All right. Look-- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Kwang, $1.60 an hour,and no more spit-shining.

You had your chance.

Ah, Kwang, just the herowe wanted to see.

Your boiling barkhad the perfect bite.

That Oh Dong Mul worked like a charm.

Oh, thank you.I do my part.

Kwang, I will give you one last chance.

Stay, and we will split the cleaning.

-You're leaving, Kwang?-This is large country.

There must bebetter boss somewhere.

Uh-huh? Huh. That's it. You're fired again.

Oh. Hate to lose you, son,

but before you scoot,we've got a kudo for you.

-Kudo?-Colonel, he only speaksKorean and English.

Check. Kwang,

we of the 4077th have a littlecommendation to present to you.

The U.S. Army appreciates

how you helped usthrough our rash to-do

and wants to make it official.

This is the certificateof achievement.

Congratulations. It'lllook great in your den.

This really for me?

He gets a certificate of achievement?

For lastingthree days with you,

he should getthe Purple Heart.

-[grunts] -Thank you.

I'm sure my...

people will be verysurprised to see this.

Thank you.Thank you very much.

Kwang, Uncle Sam salutes you.

Yankee Doodle.

The Officers Club is open for celebrating.

Maybe you couldstay over a little whileand abuse your liver.

-We'll serve you. -No. Must be going.

All right, then.Good luck. Take care.

And remember:The welcome matis always out.

You know the war. We'll be here forever.

So long, Kwang.Nice to know you.

HAWKEYE: Charles,there's still some Oh Dong Mulleft.

Let me buy you a round.

He was like my own boy.

Ow.

Wait! Wait for me!

Dear Comrade: An unforeseen complication.

I am to be privy to a top-secret policy meeting.

This means my return will be later than planned,

but I'm sure it will be well worth it.

You should've seen the lookon MacArthur's face.

Oh, the storiesI could tell you.

The stories I could tell you.

-Oh, yeah?-HAWKEYE: We're listening.

Well... Nah!

You wouldn't believe me.

You know, when all is said and done,

you're not such bad fellows.

How would you know?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Kwang, am I crazy,

or is your English improving?

-Yeah. -Huh.

Yeah. You-You talkin'real good right now.

Oh, yeah.

Ahh, it must be the whiskey.Fill me up, Charlie.

How dare-- Do you realizewho you're talk--

A day ago, I employed--Oh, what the hell.

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