Original subtitles

[bright tone]

[spirited piano music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Soul food Saturday ♪

♪ Saturday for soul food ♪

- Finally we have a place in the hood

that is actually owned by black folks.

Pfft, I heard the oxtails are to die for.

- Oh, I can't wait.

- Ooh, hi, table for two.

- Oh, hey, babies. Read the sign.

- What--what sign? What she talking about?

Oh, wait a minute, is this it?

"Sit wherever."

- Oh, that's okay.

The sign probably just fell on the floor, so...

- Yeah. - [laughs]

- All right, girl. - Hey.

- We 'bout to tip 40%

and give them a six-star Yelp review...

- Okay. - Because they deserve.

It's hard to open a business in the hood.

- Shit, my aunt's day care got shut down,

and that's just 'cause it was a casino.

Those little hands could shuffle fast, though.

She smart. - [laughs]

- All right, dumplin's, just give me a minute.

I'm the only one working.

- Oh, okay.

See, this why we have to support.

- That's the reason.

- If we just come here 57 more times...

- Mm-hmm.

- They will be able to have more servers.

- On the bright side, business is booming,

so let's see what these oxtails are talkin' 'bout.

- Talkin' 'bout.

- Okay, sugarplums, I'm back.

Now, before I get started, we're out of a few things...

- That's okay.

- The whole left side of the menu.

- That's no problem.

No problem. - No problem.

Um, I will have the mac and cheese,

sweet potatoes, and a garden salad.

- Okay, my little precious moment, I got you.

- And I will have your famous oxtails,

and to drink, we'd like--

- Oh, you order your drinks

at the counter from the drank lady.

- [quietly] Uh, drank?

[slide guitar music]

- Hi, can we have, um,

two sweet teas with extra ice, please?

- Only got warm sweet tea.

- But you have ice, right?

- Only for the iced tea.

- So you have unsweetened iced tea,

but if we want sweet tea, we cannot get ice?

- Correct.

- You know what?

We don't need all that sugar anyway.

- Yeah. - So two iced teas.

- Two hot teas, got it.

♪ ♪

- I see what's happening. - I don't.

- She tryin' to hook us up with the good shit.

- Oh, hmm. - Yeah.

Yeah, two hot teas, please. - Okay, two.

- Two hot teas.

Okay, I think she heard us.

[dramatic musical flourish]

Ugh, that tea ran through me

like the feds through my aunt's baby casino.

- [scoffs] Excuse me?

Where's your bathroom?

- Cost a quarter to get in, quarter to get out.

[plucked guitar string]

- I don't have no change.

- Me neither, girl.

Just hold it. For the culture.

- [huffs]

[dramatic musical flourish]

- Here you go, muffin tops.

- Oh. - Sorry 'bout the wait.

- Great.

Can we please get some silverware?

- We're BYO silverware.

[plucked guitar string]

- This is ridiculous!

Come on!

All I wanted to do was support our people,

give 'em a fair shot,

but I knew, I knew I should've brought my purse fork.

Ah. Ah.

[upbeat percussive music]

- So, ladies, how you enjoy your meal?

- You know what?

- The food was poppin'. - Yeah, it was.

- How 'bout I do you guys a favor

and box up your leftovers for you?

- Yes, sure, thanks.

- Okay, let me grab that for you.

I got ya. - All right.

- I'll be right back, okay?

- Well, that was nice. - He's so nice.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Got 'em!

- Uh... - Who he got?

- What? I thought that nigga was the manager.

- I thought that nigga was the manager.

- That nigga acted like he was the manager!

- Here's your bill, cash only, $65 minimum.

[dramatic music]

- But we only spent $37.

- You know what?

We came here to support,

but you were out of half the menu.

- Yeah, you did not have silverware.

You did not have ice for the sweet tea.

- And some man just stole our leftovers.

- [chuckles] You think you can do better?

Then you go back there and run it.

- [chuckles] Fine, we will.

- Help yourself. - Yeah? Huh.

- We're good. - We can do it.

- Watch this.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Gon' be here a while.

[sinister music]

♪ ♪

- What the fuck?

- Same. Let's go.

- [gasping]

[dramatic musical flourish]

Ooh.

♪ Soul food Saturday ♪

♪ Saturday for soul food ♪

- [laughs]

Finally a place in the hood that is actually owned

by black...folks...

[eerie music]

[hesitantly] I heard the oxtails here

are to die for.

♪ ♪

[sinister music]

[dramatic music]

- [cackling]

[Megan Thee Stallion's "Hot Girl"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[birds chirping]

- Calm down. It's just a phone!

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- What am I supposed to do?

No more Genius Bars!

No more texts from my mom.

No more pictures from my brother.

All my shit is gone!

- You wanna know what else is gone?

Huh? The Cool Ranch Doritos!

- Everyone is gone!

We've been sitting here playing games

and having spa time like this is "Girls Trip 2"

and not the fucking end of the world!

- Oh, my God, I just realized we'll never see "Girls Trip 2."

- Shut up. Shut up!

I do not wanna spend the rest of my life

arguing with the same people!

If I had wanted that, I would have gotten married.

- Well, I wanted to get married,

but, Robin, you forced me to come here

before Kevin could propose!

- Kevin wasn't gonna propose!

What is wrong with you people?

Seriously!

I saved us from certain death, okay?

I fortified a goddamn apocalypse-proof house!

I stocked it with food!

I froze sperm in single-serving sizes!

I am the only one who had a plan!

I am the--

[loud thud]

- Oh, my God. Oh.

Is--

Is she dead?

- Oh, my God.

[pulsing dramatic music]

What are we gonna do?

- Eat her?

[applause on TV]

- Uh, Pat, I will take a T.

[buzzer sounds]

Okay, okay, I got it. I got it.

I will take a lowercase T.

- Buy a vowel, bitch.

- Ain't none of those neither? Dang.

- Reniece!

[bell dings]

- Welcome back to "Get the Belt,"

voted 1992's favorite

mother-versus-child competition show.

I'm Kimber Zak.

- And I'm Carmen Sipp.

Tonight we've got two dynamic contestants

going head-to-head.

- Representing the home team

is this season's early standout Tonisha.

Now, she's been known to knock challengers into next week.

- Yes, she recently took out fan favorite Man Man

with an early game spank-out.

- Her opponent tonight is her eldest daughter, Reniece.

This 13-year-old dynamo

has been really focusing on her obedience,

and this season, she's undefeated.

- Hand me the remote.

- Oh, an absolutely brilliant opening move from Tonisha.

That remote is clearly well within her own reach.

She's using a frustration tactic

to get Reniece to show some attitude,

which would of course lead to an immediate beat and defeat.

- As we know, many things can lead to a spank-out,

including showing disrespect,

raising your voice,

or being told to fix your face.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- Let's keep an eye on the mouthal region

to see if Reniece can hold it together.

[tense music]

[dramatic music]

[applause] Are you kidding me?

Not a smirk or a smile, astonishing!

- Wow, she knows she nailed that one,

and, boy, that must feel good.

- Surely Reniece doesn't think it's going to be that easy.

Fans know that if a child

crosses the threshold of her room

without her mother getting the belt, she wins.

- Mm, now Tonisha was born at night,

but she wasn't born last night.

Surely she's got more in store here.

[groans] - Ooh, flag on the play.

It looks like the batteries are dead.

- Get back here!

[faint energetic music]

Bring me some AA batteries.

- Oh, the dreaded

"If I Have to Get Up and Find It Myself" challenge.

- Yeah, no one wants this one.

Now, historically, Reniece has excelled at this obstacle,

but she might be battling some fatigue

after playing 18 rounds of "Slide, Slide, Slippity-Slide"

at recess today.

- This is where Tonisha's home court advantage

really comes in handy.

- Yeah, well, an advantage she always has

because Reniece hasn't paid nan one bill around here.

Let's put 15 seconds on the clock.

[dramatic music]

[clock beeping]

♪ ♪

- Oh, she picked up the blue tin.

Not gonna be anything in there but needles and thread.

- Honestly, Carmen, you never know.

These items are never anywhere that makes a lick of sense.

- Oh, looks like this might be all she wrote for Reniece.

♪ ♪

[clock beeping faster]

[buzzer sounds]

- Oh, no hocus-pocus,

just focus on that by Reniece, amazing.

[applause]

- Diamond and the other diamond showed up on this--

["The People's Court" theme]

- And the channel is changed.

Textbook execution by Reniece.

- Earlier tonight,

Man Man worked Tonisha's last good nerve.

It seems to have taken its toll.

- [snoring]

The coupon.

- As a player, Reniece probably wants

to head to her room for the easy win.

- [coughs]

- But as a child, Reniece clearly wants to capitalize

off of this rare chance

to watch something she has no business watching.

Kimber, what's your play here?

- Well, I was in the same position back in 1979.

I could either watch "Facts of Life,"

which my mother had banned

due to, uh, "Jo's lesbian energy."

- Ah.

- Or I could go to my room for the easy win.

Now, I chose the W because I knew if I didn't start none,

there wouldn't be none.

- That's smart. - That's right.

[dramatic music]

Ooh. - Oh, reaching for the remote.

That's risky.

Most veteran players would wait until Tonisha

hit that good drool sleep before making a move.

♪ ♪

- Oh! Clearly, Reniece disagrees!

She already has the remote.

- She's not in the clear yet.

78% of wake-ups happen during the channel-changing stage.

Something about the abrupt noise shift

is disrupting to a snoozing parent.

[dramatic percussive music]

Is she turning down the TV?

I've never seen this strategy before.

- Wow, we are either witnessing

an embarrassing lack of judgment

or a move that could,

quite frankly, revolutionize this sport.

- I mean...

- ♪ Pressure King ♪

- Oh, and she did it! You go, girl!

- Wow. - Wow.

- These are the moments I live for right here.

- This is what live TV is about.

- Whoo, I can't breathe right now.

- Wow, whoa. - Wow.

- [laughs]

- Making noise while her mother's asleep?

She's just showboating now.

- Boy. - I mean, this is--wow.

[audience booing]

- Uh-oh, bogey.

- Yikes. - Surprise attack by Man Man.

- Uh-oh.

- You letting all the cold air out my house?

- It wasn't me!

[audience groans]

[solemn music]

- And you talking back?

♪ ♪

- And just like that, it's over.

Congratulations to Tonisha.

- Yeah, you know, this was clearly Man Man's fault,

but as we've seen here on "Get the Belt" before...

both: It doesn't fucking matter.

[solemn music]

[music winds down]

- You got shoes on in my house?

- Uh, uh, no, ma'am, of course not.

I would never track outside on your floors.

[dramatic electronic music]

- Uh, well, that's it for us here at "Get the Belt,"

so tune in next time when we find out

whether or not I was too grown to get a whuppin'.

- Run! - I'm too grown!

- Run! - You gotta run

faster than that. I used to run track!

- Thanks for watching "Get the Belt."

Be inspired.

[smooth R&B music]

- [giggles] Mark, where are you taking me?

- Got you. We're here. - Whoo.

- You ready? - Yeah.

[gasps]

- Happy anniversary.

[bell tolls]

all: No!

- A hot air balloon?

A balloon full of hot air?

[ponderous electronic music]

- What was Mark thinking?

♪ ♪

- We are going to get airsick, throw up,

and then pass out and throw up.

- Do we look like the kind of chick who says,

"Here, just put my ass up in a balloon

and shoot me into the sky"?

Them shits don't even have seat belts.

- This bulky synthetic wig has made us top-heavy.

We are gonna tip over the side and plunge to our death.

- But Mark is worth the risk.

He's the one, ladies.

Besides, we already wasted

our peak fertility years with Andre.

- Oh, such a wet man.

- Ugh. - But at least he liked us.

- There's a man right here who loves us,

and we love him.

Get in the basket!

- I'd rather be single and alive.

Pssh, that's why we need to make sure

this balloon never leaves the ground.

- What do we do?

- I don't know, start a fight.

- We could get him to break up with us.

It's time to show him our feet.

- Krystal, piss your pants.

- Krystal, get in the death balloon

and act like you like it.

- Krystal, it's toe time!

- Up there, it'll just be me and you

and the man I paid extra not to talk to us.

- [shouting] Can I tell you

one fascinating thing about hot air balloons?

- No, you cannot!

Let's go!

[flames roaring]

[dramatic music]

- Hello, our wig!

This hair hat is basically lighter fluid.

I knew we should have sprung for human hair.

- You got human hair money?

- Okay, we'd have room in the budget if we decided

instead of ordering two dinners every night.

- Nope.

So we just gonna aggressively piss our pants

so we don't have to get in this balloon ride.

- Just get in, okay?

So we get a little crispy.

Our head's been through worse.

Remember that home relaxer?

[hair sizzles]

[sighs] Come on, ladies.

Mark clearly put a lot into this.

We can't just leave him hanging.

- Maybe it's a trap.

What if he cheated on us and he's feeling guilty?

- Oh, well, then we definitely getting in the balloon

so we can push his ass out!

Try getting pussy in the infirmary, Mark!

- Do not ruin this day with a fight, okay?

We went to the botanical gardens.

We had lunch at the restaurant

where we went on our first date.

Mark took us to get our nails done.

[dramatic musical sting]

all: [gasp] He's about to propose!

[loud thud]

[upbeat romantic music] - Let's go!

- Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

- Huh? - I got you something.

I got you something. - Oh.

I figured you'd do that part in the sky, but okay.

♪ ♪

[music stops abruptly]

[birds chirping]

- Baby, I cannot make you compromise your wig up there

with all that wind and open flame, mm-mm.

So I got you this custom unit

handmade by Beyoncé's wig wizard.

- This is the happiest day of my life.

[upbeat romantic music]

[laughs] Will you marry me?

[flames roaring]

- We are not going to eat Robin!

- She's all gristle.

- [scoffs]

I'm not actually saying we are going to eat her.

I am just saying that we are bound to run out of food

at some point because Quinta already ate all the snacks.

- Why are you steady bringing up old shit?

- Robin, get up.

- If Robin's gone, I have a few questions.

What are we gonna do when the generator runs out?

How do we grow food if we can't go outside?

What is the half-life-- - Quinta!

Robin, please get up.

Please do not leave me here with them

for the rest of eternity.

I never told you this, but...

[whispering indistinctly]

- You had me muted on Twitter?

[sultry R&B music]

- ♪ You don't need to push me, baby ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know I'm already there ♪

- [giggles]

- We've been dreaming about this evening

ever since we saw you at the biweekly church potluck.

- Mm-mm.

- So have you ever been a special guest star before?

- [chuckles]

- Why? What have you heard?

They told me they were gonna take

all those episodes of "Cheaters" off of the Internet.

- No, no, I mean, have you ever had a threesome?

- Oh, no, this is my first time.

- Oh. - Actually, it's been a while

since I've had even one partner

other than myself.

- Uh, so how long is a while?

- Uh, two years?

both: Two years?

- Like Earth years?

- Well, we gonna fix that right now.

[all chuckle]

- [clears throat]

- [giggles]

- Ooh.

- Wait.

- Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, of course. We usually do a check-in.

- You know, I got so excited to eat that taco,

I forgot to ask if you have any boundaries.

Please.

- Uh, thank you so much.

- Of course, sure.

- Uh, just a couple of little things.

Um, no kissing.

- Oh.

- Oh, totally.

You know, that's fair, very intimate.

I get it. - Mm-hmm.

- Uh, no holding hands.

- Oh. [chuckles]

You know, hopefully our hands will be full of, uh,

other things.

- No eye contact. - Oh!

- No anal. No vaginal. No oral.

- No oral? - Correct.

No going down. No coming up.

My safeword is a stern look,

and I'm gonna need a copy

of everyone's last STD and driver's license test.

- Well, damn, is there anything else?

- Ooh... ♪ One more thing ♪

[sultry R&B music]

Mm.

- Okay. - Okay.

A bag of tricks.

- Hold on to that.

Definitely gonna want these.

- What? Okay.

- Gonna use that later.

- You wanna tell me something?

Where did it-- - Here you go.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

- A squeegee?

- Don't you hate it when you just put

way too much in your threesome purse?

- Yeah. - You know?

Suit. - A ha--

- Okay, here we go.

- This the "Outbreak" suit.

- Yeah. - Oh, now we cookin'. Lube?

- Uh, no, that's actually hand sanitizer,

but it's FDA approved for more than just hands.

- [sighs] - Okay.

Uh, let's see here.

Condoms. - Oh, of course.

- Hand condoms.

And now let's get to the fun part.

[sultry R&B music]

- She handed me gloves.

- [giggles]

Who wants to shit in my mouth?

- Girl, what? - What?

- Hey, nice mattress.

[sultry R&B music]

- Casper Mattress: for sleeping

and whatever else y'all nasty asses are doing.

["The People's Court" theme]

- [humming]

- Ooh.

♪ ♪

- [squeaky] Hey, girl.

[laughs]

- Well, black girl magic for real.

- Right? - I know.

both: [laugh]

♪ ♪

- Well, good morning.

- [laughs]

- God is good.

both: All the time.

- Amen.

- Apologies for my tardiness, Your Honor.

My client was stuck in a revolving door.

What in the baby hair?

- It's a black lady courtroom. [all chuckle]

- ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

all: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- Okay!

- ♪ Black la-- ♪

Oh. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, y'all shouldn't be dancing.

- I have been sitting in this courtroom for 20 years,

and I have never seen...

- I'm sorry, Your Honor. We'll--

- Melanin this poppin'!

[laughter]

Cicely Tyson would be very proud.

- Why would she be proud of that?

- [laughs] All right.

[pounds gavel]

- I'd like to call this evidentiary hearing to order

in the civil matter of Trina's Vintage Furniture

versus Sweet Song Restaurant.

First order of business:

do you queens wanna get lunch after this?

[laughter]

- I would like to submit to the court that

Your Honor is welcome to dine at Sweet Song anytime.

- Objection, Your Honor.

Dining at defendant's restaurant

would be prejudicial.

- You're right.

- But if you do go, plaintiff's counsel likes to eat too.

[laughter]

- [laughs] Sustained!

- Excuse me, this isn't professional--

- Uh, you know what, Trina?

Trina, let me handle this, okay?

I got it. I got ya.

- Rude.

- [clears throat] Unfortunately, my clients

were unable to attend this hearing,

but I'm sure they would appreciate it

if we took some time to

find out how my girl over there got her goddess locs so right!

- [laughs] Thank you.

- I see you. I see you.

- I'm suing her clients, and I still feel the need

to tell you that they would not appreciate that.

- It-- - Why would you say that?

That doesn't help your case. - Because they wouldn't.

- Counselors, approach the bench.

- See? - Thank you, Judge.

Get them together, please.

- Ma'am. - Hush! Shh, shh, courtroom.

- You guys can approach too.

- Me too, Your Honor? - You too, girl.

- She needs to approach?

- I've never been up there. [laughs]

- You made it.

- Where did y'all go to law school?

- Oh, USC. - I knew you looked familiar.

- What y'all talkin' 'bout?

- Well, I'm going to USC undergrad.

Are any of you Greek?

- AKA, first and finest.

- Wow! - Hey, soror!

- What y'all talkin' 'bout?

- Black girl magic, man. Okay, look.

- That's right. - Get this photo.

- Now y'all taking a selfie.

- Oh, put that Valencia filter on, girl.

We lit.

- Ah! - We lit. We so lit.

- Good sidebar, ladies.

You know, can you, uh, AirDrop that to me?

- Absolutely. - God bless y'all.

- Your Honor, my client, who clearly does not understand

the historic-ness of this moment,

recently reupholstered several high-end chairs for the defense

and was not paid for her work.

- No disrespect to my sister-in-law--get it?

- [laughs] That's cute.

- But the plaintiff never actually

completed the work in question.

If it pleases the court, I'd like to consult exhibit B.

- Take your time.

- In fact, you'll see there are no chairs,

and if there's no place to sit, you must acquit.

- That's a solid Cochran.

- All right, okay.

[laughs]

But as you can see from my supplemental exhibit G,

my client clearly posted time-stamped photos

of the chairs on Instagram.

Defense counsel clearly just removed them from her pic.

[laughs]

You tried it, sis.

- You right. I'ma fool for that one.

- All right, the defense photos are deemed inadmissible,

and I hereby deem this courtroom ready to kiki.

[taps gavel]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- What does that mean?

together: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- Okay, I don't understand.

Does this mean that it's just over?

- Yeah, and you won.

- I won? - Uh-huh.

- Oh, shit, thank you, Judge!

- Okay, also thank you me.

all: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- Ladies!

Ladies.

- [squeaky] Oh?

- Anybody got any Carmex?

They don't have any over at the white man's courtroom.

- Oh, you know I just happen to have some in my bra, boo.

[laughs] Help yourself.

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

together: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- Hey!

together: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪

- Robin, everyone is going crazy.

I'm glad you're not dead.

- Of course I'm not dead.

I always pass out when I'm being personally attacked.

It's my white side.

- Quinta tried to eat you, girl.

- I'ma eat you if you keep talking shit, okay?

- Oh, you ain't gonna eat nothin'.

- Ladies, enough!

It is far too early for us to be losing our minds.

We have to look out for each other.

We have to have each other's backs.

We're all we got.

It's just us.

[doorbell rings]

Oh?

[pulsing dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[pulsing dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

- What y'all conversating about?

What y'all bond about?

How y'all whisper laughing?

Can my lawyer please stop Nae Nae-ing?

- Apologies for my tardiness, Your Honor.

My client had a flat tire,

even though she doesn't have a car.

My apologies for my tardiness, Your Honor.

My client got caught in a push door trying to pull.

Apologies for my tardiness, Your Honor.

My client was getting her hair braided by Cory Booker.

He's cheap, but he's slow.

[loud thud]

- Girl, get up. He's 'bout to propose.

Girl, get up.

- I'm dead.

- You dead? - I'm dead.

- Her insecurity died. - Well, that's good.

We 'bout to be more confident.

- Cut!

[bright tone]