Original subtitles

[upbeat dance music]

Get closer.

Lips almost touching.

We want the almost kiss, people. You need me to show you?

I had no idea there was so much involved in a cover shoot.

Yeah, well, romance novels keep the lights on

for the rest of literary fiction.

The cover is everything.

That's it!

That's the money shot!

Oh, Charles.

Charles, come see what we've got so far.

Show us some options.

That's a good one.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Sword or no sword, what do you think, Charles?

Your call.

Uh, but let's make sure that we have

these models under contract for the next five books.

Five books?

I don't understand.

Uh, Belinda's dead.

Tom Clancy's been dead for years,

but he's hotter than ever.

Empirical can continue to publish

Belinda Lacroix posthumously at our discretion.

As long as the readers keep buying,

we will provide the H.E.A.s.

H.E.A.s?

"Happily ever afters."

We just have to find a new writer to carry the torch.

Oh, maybe a torch instead of a sword.

No, no. Back to the sword.

[upbeat dance music]

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

Here you go.

Wow. [chuckles]

Nice technique.

Thank you. [chuckles]

So I have some big news.

- I quit working for Maggie. - What?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't really have time

to be anyone's assistant anymore

because I have a show of my own coming up.

- That's amazing. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Do you want to come see my studio tonight?

I have to bring over a canvas,

and I could really use a big, strong man

with big, strong biceps to help.

Yeah, no problem.

Oh, my... Wow.

[Final State's "Dreaming Out Loud"]

♪ Keep on dreaming out loud now ♪

♪ Hey, oh, hey, oh ♪

I've created a giant mess.

What now?

I have a date tonight with Zane Anders.

[gasps] The hot editor at Rivington?

Why is that a problem?

Because I also might be poaching

one of his biggest authors, Lachlan Flynn, as we speak.

Okay, yeah, that's a problem.

Do I tell Zane or not?

Well, how about not go out with him at all?

I was kind of hoping for, like,

"have your cake and eat it too" kind of advice.

Okay, well...

All right, nothing is certain yet with Lachlan.

And the date tonight with Zane could totally suck.

The date's not going to suck.

But I understand why Lachlan wants to leave Zane.

His numbers over there are dropping,

and he's got to go somewhere.

Well, business is business, and personal is personal.

Exactly.

I can keep them separate.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Sure.

♪ ♪

You come out here every day?

I know, it's far. I just...

I really need the peace and quiet to paint.

I just use this meditation app,

but this works, too.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, your studio is a mansion in Croton-on-Hudson?

You're so funny.

No, it's actually just attached to my parents' house.

I'm meeting your parents?

Oh, come on, don't be weird.

I'm not capital-I introducing you.

- [exhales deeply] - Here we are.

Hmm.

- Here's Mom. - [Montana laughs]

[chuckles] My, God.

Get a muffler, child.

- Hi. Baby girl. - Aw, Mom.

- And hello, sexy man friend. - [laughs]

Stacey, this is Josh.

Josh, this is my mom, Stacey.

Perfect timing. We were just sitting down to dinner.

No, Mom, we're not gonna stay for dinner.

Josh, I've had to force-feed this beautiful waif...

[squeals] Stop!

Since she was in diapers.

We're dropping a canvas, and that's it.

Ah. I hope you like squid-ink risotto.

She over-parents me.

Just excuse her.

You are just full of surprises, huh?

But they're cool surprises, right?

Right?

♪ ♪

Here it is.

Wow.

- Cool, right? - Yeah.

Has my baby showed you her art before?

Mom, let's dial it down from an 11 to a 4.

What? I'm not allowed to be proud of you?

I have to pee.

Don't say another word till I get back.

You know, that one, she, uh... she makes a mean macchiato.

I give Amy a lot of credit

for working at that... that coffee shop.

She is a true artist.

She's keeping it real.

Did you... did you say Amy?

Oh. Sorry.

Amy is her real name.

She changed it to Montana when she moved to Brooklyn.

As one does.

She experimented with different styles

in art school,

but this is what is getting her

her first show.

A painting with a state on it?

The state of Montana.

Uh-huh.

The stuff that's underneath the stencil...

does she paint that, too, or...

No, of course not.

It is what is known as appropriation.

Appropriation.

We started off

by giving her a few pieces from our collection,

but since then, she has assisted other artists

who gift her their work.

It's a genius concept.

She's really pulling it off,

and she's... all by herself.

Only thing we pay for now are the lawsuits.

[chuckles] Let's see what this one is.

Wait.

Is that a Maggie Amato?

That poor woman.

She was a bit of a-a hit in the late '90s.

Don't you just love her work?

Wait. Are we talking about Maggie or Montana?

[laughing]

You are so funny.

I am trying really hard

to get her into the Whitney Biennial

because I am on the board,

But don't tell her. She would kill me.

She's so modest.

Yeah, well, she, uh...

she's definitely done a good job hiding this from me.

You didn't see anything.

Huh? Act surprised at her show, okay?

Amy! It's risotto time!

Come on.

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

I need to find a replacement

to write under the Belinda Lacroix moniker.

[gags] My authors wouldn't go near it.

- Why? - Writers who do romance

are in hiding, online.

They self-publish their sexual fantasies,

and then they take their kids to soccer practice

and cook dinner for their overweight husband.

Yes, but one of those women turned into E.L. James.

I would love to find the next "50 Shades" writer

among the Internet sea of fan fiction out there.

Okay, you got to be more specific.

Are you looking for someone who writes historical,

paranormal, time-travel, and/or Amish romance?

There are Amish romance novels?

Yeah. Trust me.

- It all goes down in the buggy. - Oh.

You should do yourself a favor and spend an evening

on the site "Smart Bitches, Trashy Books."

You sure know a lot for denying you have anything

to do with the stuff.

Well, what else am I supposed to do

alone on a Friday night after an entire bottle of rosé

and seeing an ex on Instagram

with his new boy toy in Costa Rica?

Four Seasons. Papagayo.

- I'm sorry. - I'm fine.

Next time you ask me out for a drink, make it something good.

Okay? Bye.

[upbeat guitar music]

♪ ♪

[scoffs] I can't believe you brought me to a cigar club.

That's skating as close to douchey as you can get.

Oh, come on, Peters.

Cuban cigars are pretty literary.

Oh, really? How is that?

In the cigar factories,

workers used to pay someone to read to them

while they rolled the leaves

to engage their minds while they met their quotas.

Well, okay.

I didn't know that.

It's a tradition kept up to this day.

News in the morning, novels in the afternoon.

Huh.

Actually, that's how these got their name.

Monte Cristo.

No way.

"The Count of Monte Cristo"?

One of my all-time favorite books.

[sniffing]

- Have you been to Cuba? - Of course.

It's where I learned how to appreciate these.

First, you lick it...

to get it wet.

Don't inhale, just taste it and let it go.

You just got to go with it.

I know how to smoke a cigar.

- Right. - [chuckles]

How'd you get so successful so young?

I'm not really that successful.

Don't do that, all right?

I want to hear your story.

Okay. Um...

I fell in love with books when I was a kid

because they were an escape.

It was just my mom and I, and we were pretty broke.

So, you know, when it came to my career,

I had no choice but to be scrappy.

It was like, make this job work,

or...

or else.

The wolf at the door.

- Mm. - Ah, I get it.

The hustle looks good on you.

[chuckles]

[romantic guitar music]

♪ ♪

[train screeching]

How come you're so quiet.

Did meeting Stacey freak you out?

[chuckles] No.

Your mom's great.

- But... - [inhales deeply]

I saw one of Maggie's paintings

in your studio.

She gave it to me. It was a gift.

Yeah, but does she know you're using it in your show?

No. She doesn't need to know,

and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell her.

I'm not. I...

I was just asking.

It's not like Ray Charles was mad at Kanye

- for sampling his music. - [chuckles]

It's the job of our generation

to build on the work of the generations

that came before us.

If Maggie's a true artist, she'll get that.

I'm cool...

as long as Maggie's cool.

Why are you not on my side?

I feel like you should be...

supporting my art

and not worrying about your ex and her roommate.

I mean, hey, I'm...

I paint on things.

That's what I do.

I've been very up front about that.

Okay.

- Hmm. - Are we good?

Yeah.

We're good.

♪ ♪

[upbeat dance music]

[cell phone ringing]

Hello, Liza Miller?

Hey, smut lover.

I did a think, and it turns out I do have someone for you.

- Go on. - She's a short-story writer,

been featured in literary magazines,

won several awards,

professor of literature at Columbia.

Never made a dime in her life. You get it.

Got it. The struggle is real.

We don't say that anymore.

- Oh. - The only reason I keep her

on my roster is to stay one with the people who still like

experimental, second-person, surrealist fiction.

And she wants to write romance?

Lord, no!

She wouldn't be caught dead near the stuff.

Child número three of four is heading off to college.

Ahh. Well, we're meeting authors later today.

Do you think she could make it on such short notice?

What part of "four kids to put through college"

did you not understand?

She'll be there. Bells. Bye.

Okay, I am officially not a fan

of the girl Josh is seeing.

Montana? She Porky-pigged me.

Oh, you're gonna have to help me here.

You mean, she has a stutter?

Just the top, no bottoms,

walking around the apartment at 7:00 a.m.

with her muff out.

I hate that she even has a muff.

When were you going to tell me that Lachlan Flynn

is interested in Empirical?

I was coming to tell you just now.

- I got distracted. - I distracted her.

I'm a distractor. It's my thing.

Well, he's waiting in the conference room,

and he wants you to be in the meeting.

- Right now? - Yeah.

Good that he's here,

but you, uh, kind of dropped the ball on this, Kelsey.

So I take it the date with Zane went well?

Yes, it did.

Now excuse me while I go steal one of his top authors.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Lachlan was saying how excited he is by Empirical's promise

to sell him to a female audience.

Kelsey?

I'd consider doing pink covers.

If your next novel can have a female protagonist

just as adept as your previous male ones,

this market is yours.

And I can guide you there.

Women who love spy novels will love you.

No pink covers necessary.

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell buzzing]

One second!

Coming!

♪ ♪

- Hi. - Hey.

Don't worry, you timed it right.

Liza's at work.

- What's up? - Uh...

I got to talk to you about something.

Oh, I know.

I lost a good assistant because of you.

Ever tell you not to shit where I eat?

Hey. You introduced us, okay?

But I'm not sure I'm the reason she quit.

- What do you mean? - Did you know

she's got this show coming up at Gray Space?

Of what, her painted jackets?

Yeah.

I mean, she's also painting over other things, too...

- Oh. - Like, uh...

other people's art.

- What? - Look, Mags...

one of your pieces is in the show.

It's weird. She has this, like, whole theory behind it.

I don't know. The opening's tonight.

[sighs] Honestly, I just...

I didn't feel good about going without telling you first, so...

I appreciate that.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm just fabulous.

Coffee?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

I think we have a real shot with Lachlan.

You were a shark in there.

Yay.

Well...

it's a good thing some female sharks

can reproduce alone.

Can they?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Some hammerheads.

That's, uh, super weird.

[cell phone chimes]

_

[sighs]

Of course he cooks.

God.

If it were up to me,

I would do everything Belinda Lacroix did

but with much kinkier sex.

[rock music]

I'm thinking vampires, but they don't have fangs.

It's all about longing, frustration, and veganism.

♪ ♪

Picture wolves with human genitals.

♪ ♪

- And, of course... - They get their...

- H... - E...

A.s.

I think I am allergic...

♪ ♪

to these women.

♪ ♪

As someone who teaches literature,

I would want to elevate the genre,

make it more grounded.

So you mean no shape-shifters?

- Excuse me? - Just checking.

Uh, please continue.

I don't know if my agent mentioned this to you,

but I can't always deliver happy endings.

Then don't.

You would consider that?

After the pitches we heard today,

we would consider almost anything.

I know the happy ending is the big rule in romance,

but I want to blow it up.

It's just too expected.

And my stories would be about real love.

Lust and desire, yes,

but also about the damage that people do to one another.

And you wouldn't mind writing under Belinda's name?

Writing as Belinda appeals to me because of the pseudonym.

Columbia would not give me tenure

if they knew I wrote romance.

Great.

I mean, wildly unfair about the tenure,

but otherwise great.

♪ ♪

- So who do you like? - Columbia.

I know her take on the genre isn't the most commercial,

but it's definitely interesting.

What about the readers?

They won't miss their "happily ever afters"?

The readers might be comforted to know they're not crazy

if love doesn't work out for them

like it does for the heroines in these books.

It's certainly more realistic.

[cell phones chimes]

_

- [cell phone chimes] - _

I am so sorry.

I, um... I have to go.

My roommate is in trouble or about to be trouble.

- It's hard to tell. - Yeah. Of course.

[Warpaint's "New Song"]

♪ ♪

Have a good night.

♪ You're a new song ♪

♪ You're a new song, baby ♪

♪ You're a new song to me ♪

♪ You're a new song ♪

That seems a little obvious.

And was that a Robert Longo? Bold.

Liza, she's selling my work for $20,000.

I only get $5,000!

♪ ♪

Patrick's an incredibly important collector.

Oh, my God. What are they doing here?

Ooh, M-M-Montana, hold up. Mm!

Well, I-I hope they plan to thank Montana

for making her relevant again.

Somehow, I don't think she's here to say thank you.

- Okay, she's coming over. - Huh. Good.

Don't smile like that. It scares me.

Listen, I need you to know that I keep a secret stash

in the Halloween pumpkin in my room.

A secret stash of what?

- Bail money. - Oh, boy.

Maggie!

What a surprise.

Not as surprised as I am.

Oh, Mags, I didn't want you to find out this way.

I'm sorry. This must look so bad.

- But I'm doing you a favor. - Really? How's that?

I'm elevating the monetary

and philosophical value of your work.

If you went to art school, you'd understand. Trust me.

That's my painting.

Mm-hmm. And you gave it to me.

I put my mark on it, and now it's mine.

That's the point of the whole show.

Oh.

[suspenseful music]

No. Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

There...

now it's mine again.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat dance music]

You told her.

[sighs] Look, I'm sorry, Montana.

I had to. It didn't feel right.

You were assisting Maggie just to get her painting.

You only slept with me just so you could hurt your ex.

I cannot believe you chose them over me.

Yeah, well...

I'm gonna be such a big deal.

Good luck with that, Amy.

I haven't been called Amy in, like, a year.

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Zane... [scoffs]

You're not cooking with the microwave.

You're using shallots.

You're now stirring my drink.

You're almost too perfect.

- "Almost"? - Almost.

[both chuckling]

I have to tell you something.

Yeah?

We signed Lachlan Flynn at Empirical.

This "Vulture" article hit about an hour ago.

Game on.

I'll get you back.

What?

- You're not mad? - Not at all.

You just got a lot more interesting.

Besides, we were gonna cut him from the roster anyway.

- Why? - Mm...

He's your problem now. He's your author.

[scoffs] Okay. I'll go.

No, no, no. Stay.

But no sleeping over.

I saw the toothbrush and panties in your purse.

Okay. Don't flatter yourself.

I always have a toothbrush and panties in my purse.

I'm a New Yorker.

Mm-hmm.

It needs salt.

♪ ♪

I mean, I knew Maggie could handle her herself,

but... [both chuckle]

A switchblade?

- It's, like, a whole new level. - [chuckling]

Thank you for giving her the heads-up.

- It means a lot. - Yeah.

She's my friend.

Just...

tell me...

Why'd you have to kiss him?

I just... I don't know.

Some part of me needed to blow things up.

[sighs]

Why?

Because I want you to have everything.

I want you to have time to decide about kids,

to decide when it's right or if you want one

or maybe even five.

And maybe someday I can be that fun Aunt Liza who...

Reads them books and takes them to the beach

and builds them blanket forts.

I build the best blanket forts.

Just please tell me that you'll be in my life.

Please. Somehow.

There's got to be a better ending to us than this.

[exhales deeply]

Yeah.

Okay.

Good night, Liza.

[Flume's "Never Be Like You"]

♪ I made... I made a mistake ♪

♪ Please just look me in my face ♪

♪ Tell me everything's okay ♪

♪ 'Cause I got it ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

So, does Josh forgive us?

I think he just might.

Hey, did you see this? You’re in "New York" magazine.

They’re calling you the Slasher.

Ooh. Well, anything’s better than Mags.

Ooh, not my best angle.

"A literal knife fight occurred"

in the art world last night

when venerable artist Maggie Amato arrived

at Montana Goldberg’s first show at Gray Space.

From the depths of obscurity, Amato reminded us

"she’s still relevant."

"These older artists will not go gently into the night

and Amato’s show of her own is long overdue."

[chuckles]

Is this woman your roommate?

She’s part roommate, part mentor.

I would love to meet her and see her work.

Make that happen.

Really? Okay.

I’m glad to see you’re surrounding yourself

with older, wiser, women.

We’re good for you.

You can go.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ ♪

Yeah?

I’ve been thinking more about the Columbia professor.

She’s really smart but I think it’s a mistake not to deliver

a happy ending.

I’m glad to hear you say that.

I already told Redmond we passed.

You did?

Yeah. I’m not going to be the one to deprive readers

of their happily ever afters.

They just want to believe love exists.

Exactly.

And a happy ending isn’t the worst thing to hope for.

Right?

Not to mention good for business.

[chuckles]

Good night, Charles.

Night, Liza.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -