Original subtitles

like I said, this is not a spa. It's a rehab facility.

Oi, oi, take me with ya!

How's Aine, Sho?

Yeah, she's absolutely fantastic.

Freddie's my sister's ex. I wasn't in the mood to pretend I liked him.

It's actually my son who needs tutoring.

Oh, right, so you don't need help with your English, then?

- Oh, one of your jokes? - It was, yeah.

I'm trying to fucking respect you here, you mug!

God, could you not have respected me after we had sex?

OK, so do two more questions

and I will continue to keep drying myself with this invisible towel.

Ah, yes, the invisible towel.

Yeah, dentists say it's important to floss every day, Richard

and also Etienne said I looked cool.

And he wouldn't lie to me, would you, Etienne?

- Non. - Non!

This came through at work and I thought you might like it.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

- Aine. - What?

- I don't know how. - Oh, you do know how, now, come on.

Right, er, it's literally very similar to the sentence above it,

so give it a go. What is this? A Thousand Terrible Jokes.

OK, yes, great, so you got my autobiography, then?

- Exactly. - Aine!

- Yes, yes, yes. - I don't know how.

Oh, you do, we did it a million times this morning.

- I don't know how. - Come on, Etienne.

I we... we...

I went.

Er, yes, Richard, very good. Your English is really coming along.

Non! Ce n'est pas juste. She asked me!

Etienne.

- I'll call him back, that was rude. - No, no, no, Richard.

He's gonna have bad days. It's fine. I have to go anyways.

Just run after him and give him a hug.

Would it be better if you went after him?

I know you've got to go, but I can pay you extra.

Pay me extra? This isn't Pretty Woman.

Just go after him and give him a hug. He's your son.

I'm fully aware of that.

- OK. - It's fine. I understand.

No, you're the tutor. It's not your job.

Yeah, OK.

Thanks for the book, that's really funny.

Hey, hey, Richard.

What is the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

I hate golf.

Right. OK.

'You have one message.

Hello, nob head! It's Freddie.

Guess what? I'm working near your school today,

so if you want to meet for a drink after work, a little catch-up,

I wanna see you.

Yes, Mo, OK, and we have the beat.

So five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white as...

Just Alina!

♪ Snow, oh! ♪

Voice of an angel!

♪ And everywhere that Mary went The lamb was sure to...

Just Victor.

♪ Go, oh, oh ♪

Yeah! That's brilliant!

Well done, Victor. I mean, what a talented bunch.

What happened to the lamb?

What's that? What happened to the lamb?

Mary HAD it. Past tense.

Good question. Maybe she ate the lamb.

Mary is psychopath maybe.

Or alternatively, Mary is just a psychopath.

♪ Bye-bye to the Ken and the Barbie

♪ Bye-bye to everything you taught me... ♪

Oh, you done?

Beautiful.

Oh, fab, yeah.

- Lovely. - You like it?

Oh.

Yeah.

It's very Russian-looking.

Yeah, thank you so much. And, look, here's some cash for you, by the way.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Yeah, well.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be late.

All right, how does this...?

- Oh! - Ooh, oh, my God! James, shit.

Aine, do not take your clothes off in front of our students.

Genuinely, it won't... Yeah, it won't happen again.

- OK. - I don't mind doing it again.

You're probably not helping us there, Alina.

- That's... - No...

Hey, ow, God.

You steal that top, then?

Oh, no it's from Oxfam.

You stole it from Oxfam? No, that's dark, mate.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I just put it on quickly, cos I was in a rush, I...

I didn't wanna be late, basically.

For who?

I'm on a date, so...

With yourself? Oh, I like that. That's powerful.

Yeah, no, it would be powerful actually, but, oh, it's not.

I mean, maybe it's not a date. I'm actually having a drink with my ex.

He said he was round the corner about an hour ago.

Fuck him! You should leave.

If only it were that simple.

It literally is that simple. Treat yourself like a queen.

OK, I will.

No, seriously.

Every morning I wake up and I tell myself, "I am a queen."

What?

I say that and my boyfriend hears that and knows that to be the truth.

What, so you literally say out loud to your boyfriend, "I'm a queen"?

This guy's got you waiting here on your own like some sad loser.

Well, I don't know if I'm a sad loser...

So say it every day. Say, "I am a queen."

- Like, I am a queen. - Go for it.

I am a queen.

And give it some welly.

- I am... God, it's actually kind of emotional to have that much... - Mm-hm.

I'm a powerful queen. God, it's...

- Hello. - Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God!

You nob head!

You all right?

No.

Sorry if I'm, if I'm late. Am I... late?

I was just having a beer with a friend.

Oh, my God, you have a friend. That is so cute.

Hi.

Hi!

You're really a nob head.

Just take the shot.

Your hair looks nice.

- Does it? - Yeah, you like a lovely little brown sheep.

- Aww. - Bam.

Ow! Freddie, that actually hurt me on a bruised bit.

Don't do that. You shouldn't hit a woman, it's awful.

Sorry.

- Your face. - Actually, can you not...? Don't do that. It's not funny.

Oh, come on, I was having a laugh with you...

- Oh! - You got me!

Played you, lady.

So, how is it not living with Shona?

Er, yeah, brilliant. Brill... Yeah, I'm just doing really brilliant.

Erm,... my flatmate Bradley who I've...

- Ooh! - What?

You having sex with Bradley?

Er, well, I wish,

because the noises he gets out of his girlfriend...

- Ooh! - .. are just... - Louder than us?

Yes, Freddie, louder than when you used to honk my boobs.

Ma, ma, uh-huh, uh-huh...

Ahh, ahh.

Er,... so the good thing is I can now finally sleep

because she just dumped him.

- Great news. - Yep, I mean, he's devastated, but good news for me.

Erm,... and then Shona... is...

Yeah, she's good. She's on a romantic weekend with Vishy boy.

Somewhere posh where they, like, don't have any phone reception.

Just a view of a wild pony and some pheasants?

- Very much so, yes. - He's proposing.

What?

No!

- Yeah, why not? - Cos Vish wouldn't ask her without asking me first.

- What, are you the gatekeeper? - Yeah, I am.

They looked loved up the other week. I bet you 20 quid he proposes.

Where did you see them the other week?

A work event. Did she not mention it?

- No. - Ah, you guys, you barely know each other any more.

Oh, shut up, Freddie, you're annoying me now.

She gave me a bit of an evil eye. And again, I swear it, she hates me.

Good. Yeah. Well. Yeah.

All the boys in the office are shit scared

cos of this women's networking thing she's setting up.

Oh, no!

All the little city boys,

they all scared that the ladies are gonna come along and take away

all the strippers and cocaine.

- That's not funny. - The heroin is sad.

Well, they should be scared, because she's working really hard

and it's going to be amazing.

Well, her and Charlotte.

- Oh, do you know Charlotte? - Yeah, I been doing loads of work for her.

She's less intimidating than Shona.

Cos you're not trying to have sex with her sister.

Who says I was trying to have sex with anyone's sister?

Miss it, miss it.

I'm going for a waz. Get me another drink.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, hiya, me again.

You don't have, like, a tampon or a pad on you, do you?

You asking me?

I mean, yes, because you're the only person in the ro....

Actually, do you know what? It's fine. I'll roll up some loo roll.

- Wait a minute. - Oh, do you? Oh, you legend.

Whoa, that is old school. It's like a mini air mattress.

Yeah, these ones are cheaper.

Oh, yeah, of course. Well, thank you, thank you so much. Oh, my God.

It'll be really comfortable when I sit down.

Kind of like erm, a fanny bouncy castle.

Hey, do you think it's a sign from Jesus not to sleep with my ex?

A big bloody sign. The Lord, he does work in mysterious ways.

It's not like you can't have sex on your period,

but not if you want to make a good impression.

Unless the impression is

that there's been a terrible murder on his penis.

OK.

Hmm. Yep.

Hey.

Erm, I'm gonna head.

Oh. OK. Did I piss you off?

No, no, no, no, it's just erm, I've got lots of work to catch up on

for the morning so...

Writing out the alphabet for the foreigners?

Now, you know I only know between A and C

and then after that I'm just freestyling it out.

- OK. - Yeah. - Well, can we, erm, do this again soon? I miss you.

I miss you too.

- I miss you more. - No, I miss you m...

Stop.

Erm, well, er, you're a gentleman and scholar.

Yes, a lovely shake.

- See you. - Bye. - Bye.

I am a queen.

'Hi, you've reached Shona's voicemail. Leave a message.

Oh, hiya, Sho. Erm, Aine here, surprise. Ha, ha.

Erm, yeah, I'm just checking really...

Vish hasn't proposed, has he?

Erm, I mean, I know, mad.

But if he has, or is fine reception and erm, let me know.

Er, though how would you let me know if he hasn't?

Otherwise, I hope it's fun and that there are loads of pheasants and shit

and I'll have everything you don't use,

especially, like mini body lotions or mini conditioners or anything.

Erm, OK, yeah, miss you, miss you. Love you. Bye.

Come on, come on.

Oh, ah!

- Hello. - Hello. - Hey.

Hello. Hi.

I added someone new to the break-up squad.

- Matty. - Oh, hi, I'm Aine. Hiya.

Hi, Pops. How you feeling, Bradley?

Like death.

Oh, well, that's, you know, at least no worse than this morning, then.

How's your day with your big brother been, Poppy?

Fan-fucking-tastic.

He took me to the park to feed the ducks,

then he pushed me on the swings till I got tired.

Yeah.

Do you wanna watch some boring football with us?

No, I'm just gonna read or chill or something. But, enjoy.

Ref.

- Hey, Irish pal. - Hiya.

Hang out with us. Bradley's eating his feelings so we got pizza.

Oh, no, you're all right, thanks.

I'm just a bit grumpy. I've got the old period, so...

Girl, you must be Justin Timberlake cos we is NSYNC, OK?

Oh, really?

Yeah, I've been bleeding all over the couch all evening.

Oh, wow, OK, then.

Aine, I've got one of Emma's hot water bottles, come on out.

Come on, let's go. Don't make me tickle you. I'll do it, you know?

It was a pretty intense five weeks, you know.

Yeah, but I'm hoping we can make it work, I'm crazy about her.

- Mm. - Uh-uh!

Er, no way, she was a little witch.

- Don't. Honestly, yeah? - What?

Aine, what did you think of Emma?

- Erm,... - See? - Whoa, what, you didn't like her?

Er,... no. No, like, she had, er, nice... legs.

Legs?

- OK, OK, this is my impression of Emma. - Please.

Oh, Bradley, will you pay for this for me?

I don't have any money, but I've got breasts.

Honestly, don't, yeah? Or I'll punch you in your dark womb.

I thought it was a very nuance performance. Five stars from me.

Thanks. Do yours.

- Oh, do my impression of Emma? - Mm.

Erm, OK, so...

- Oh, my God. - Ahhh! Oooh! - Oh, God.

Ooh, ahh, eee, eee! Oooh!

My little sister's here, man!

Waaa! To be fair, it never sounded like she was faking it.

Can't believe you heard us have sex, that's embarrassing, but thank you.

It sounded a bit like you'd heard there was free money in her vagina

and you were trying to dig it out.

Fine. Proves I'm a feminist, doesn't it?

So if you don't mind, ladies, be quiet, the football's back on.

Aww.

Brother, dear, why have you got an Afro comb

when your hairline is running away from your face?

Well, at least I grow my own hair and that's not mine.

Oh, that's mine.

- You've got an Afro comb? - No, I don... I just call it my lovely comb.

Aine has an Afro comb.

Do something about these ringlets.

You know, I grew up in a house with only women,

so I actually quite like hearing women talk during football.

- Aww, that's so cute. - Aww!

Aww, that is cute,

but I don't feel that way, so if you don't mind shutting up, yeah?

Cos the football's on, is it?

Oh, my God, pass the ball, pass the ball.

- Out of all... - Yes!

♪ Football's coming home... ♪

- Oh, Bradley, you know you're a queen. - Aww. - You're an absolute queen.

And you deserve someone who sees your magic.

I'm so thankful for that,

cos I'm just a single girl on the town with my four friends.

Four? Three of us.

Guys, can I be a saddo and take a selfie? Is that sad?

- Yep. - Cos my sister thinks I don't have any friends in London.

- Oh, we're your friends. - You're my friends.

- I've got such a big head. - Look like we like each other. - OK.

That's nice, that.

Is it nice? Yep.

Oh, my God, I do have such a big head.

We're your brothers now. I would kill for you, Aine.

- Would you kill for me, Brad? - I'd barely commit minor fraud for you.

♪ I don't see no red lights Just a wild ride

♪ You're my getaway You're my getaway tonight

♪ I'm gonna be all right

♪ You're my getaway You're my getaway tonight

♪ You're my getaway You're my getaway tonight... ♪

Oh, my God!

Tom!

Waaa!

What are you doing here?

Hiya!

Oh!

Oh, my God, look, this is my friend, Tom.

Hey, how you doing?

Love you, love this girl!

Put me down, Tom. Put me down.

Are you drunk?

Shh, don't tell me mum.

Oh, why? How are you drunk, Tom?

Oh, shut up and dance. Enjoy yourself, come on! Let's go!

Whoa, whoa.

- Stop it, Tom. - I think you've had enough mate, you all right?

I'm sorry, he's just a bit drunk.

Actually, Brad, could you hold that for me?

- Come on. - What's the matter with him?

No, he's fine. Let's just go out.

- I'm just trying to be nice. - Yeah, yeah, come on, Tommy, come on.

- What's the matter with him? - We'll just have a little chat.

- Just trying to be nice. - I know, I know, I know, I know, yeah.

- Oh, Tom. Tom, come on. - No, it's all right, babe, I'm all right.

Tom. I'm so sad that you're drinking again.

- You're so sad I'M drinking? - Yeah.

Poor fucking Aine is sad!

Are you, are you joking? Like you're much better?

Tom.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I shouted.

Tom.

- I'm sorry I shouted. - I know.

- I'm a good man. - I know you're a good man.

Perhaps we should finish off what we started?

No, no, no, Tom.

No, Tom, you're not...

No, Tom, we're friends. We're better off. You were right.

- No, Tom, don't. - You have got a lovely chest.

- No, Tom. Tom, don't. - Come on. - Oi, Aine, you all right?

- What the fuck's wrong with you? - Oi! - Back off, man! Back off, man.

- Watch it, man! - You don't touch a woman!

Aine! We love each other, don't...

- What are you doing, Matty? Jesus! - No, he tripped, he tripped.

He's a drunken creep.

He's not a drunken creep. He's not well.

She's fucking madder than me! Tell 'em where we met.

- Tom! - Tell 'em! - What you saying that for?

I shouldn't have had that coke. Fucking Dave!

Get in that taxi, Tom!

I can't.

- I can't. - What an idiot.

- Erm... - Aine... - No, no, I'm grand actually.

Erm, I'm actually gonna take that taxi and go to my sister's.

- No, you don't need to do that. - It's all a bit much.

- We're your brothers! - Yeah, I totally know.

You're upset, you shouldn't be by yourself.

I am so sorry I was shouting at you, Matty. I ruined... I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm totally fine. I'm sorry.

- There's blood all over my sheets. - Oh!

- Should've put a towel down. - What, like a German tourist?

You should erm,...

Oh, yeah, I have to get to work. Yeah, of course.

Waah!

- Hey. - Hi, yeah. How are you?

Tea or...?

Erm, yeah, thank you. Oh, actually, erm,... could I get a coffee?

- Sure. - Thanks.

Listen, I'm, erm,... I'm sorry about yesterday.

Oh, no, that's totally fine. I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark.

- Honestly, we don't need to talk about it. - I'd like to.

- Where, where, er, where is Etienne? - Someone's dropping him home.

He had a sleepover with a friend last night, which is great.

Oh, wow, really? A friend? God, that's amazing.

Yeah.

I think sometimes it must be so lonely for him.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Yeah.

I'm er, just really happy to think of him not being on his own, you know?

I erm, had a friend last night who er,...

He's not very well.

It's quite sad, cos, you know, erm...

He can't get the drink out of him, you know?

- Ah. - Mm-hm.

Yeah.

Drink is hard to fix, yeah.

Yeah.

Because it is so, so lovely.

Yeah, it is so, so lovely.

It's just such a shame, you know, because he's... he's so loved.

And it's just awful to see, like, the erm,...

.. the bits that make someone great, sort of fall away, you know?

There's that quote, "I tried to drown my sorrows,

but then the bastards learned how to swim."

Nice.

Mm. It's a Frida Kahlo quote.

She's my favourite author because her books are mostly pictures.

Yeah, we could add that to your book.

- Oh, yeah, my joke book, yeah. - Mm.

Whoa.

One tiny awkward move for mankind,

one giant step for "Richardkind".

Oh.

Etienne, come here and give your paid professional tutor a hug, will you?

- Aine? - Yeah?

- Pow. - Oh, my God, you shot me, I wasn't even armed.

Come here, you monkey.

How are you? Oh, hey, shoot your dad.

Eh, Papa, Richard.

Pow,... Ahh.

Sorry, erm,... Ahh.

Etienne, you didn't tell me your dad was a professional Hollywood actor.

Er, yes.