Original subtitles

The thing that alarms me the most about this whole thing

is that our reports from Europe indicate

there are three different groups of foreign agents operating in our country,

one from England, one from Russia and one from Spain.

They think the United States government is involved with this?

- Obviously. - Involved in what?

I didn't catch the problem.

The problem is the people on the thrones of England, Russia and Spain

are not Queen Victoria, the Czar or the king of Spain.

- Well, who are they? - Impostors.

Impostors who look so much like their real counterparts

that no one has dared even launch an investigation.

Where are the real monarchs supposed to be?

Somewhere in the United States.

I know, it sounds incredible,

but we've gotten the same report from three of our best agents in Europe.

- We can't ignore it. - It sounds crazy to me.

Hugo, will you shut up?

The only reason you're at this meeting

is because I want you to pick up my laundry.

Well, Henry, Joseph, you've heard my plan.

What do you think of it?

Considering the facts, or the lack of them,

it makes a certain amount of sense.

If we can talk them into coming out of retirement.

I've managed to keep track of them.

Jim West has been living in the town of Tecate, Mexico, ever since he retired.

Artemus Gordon for the last six months has been with a traveling tent show

called the Deadwood Shakespearean Strolling Players,

with assorted jugglers, fire-eaters,

and three, count them, three beautiful live girls,

as opposed, I guess, to three ugly dead girls.

Check their itinerary. I want West and Gordon on this.

You leave for Mexico tonight.

Am I to understand, sir, that you're going to bring a couple of over-aged,

out-of-shape ex-agents out of retirement to handle this case

when the service is full of young, deserving agents who...

who've just been spoiling at a chance to prove themselves?

Mexico, tonight.

- Yes, sir, but if I may add, sir... - You may not.

How did he get in the secret service?

He's your wife's nephew, sir.

I thought we had a gentlemen's agreement never to mention that.

Uncle Bob, if I go to Mexico, I won't be able to pick up your laundry.

Out!

Jesus! Quit chasing your sister!

Si, senior, papa.

Rufina! Quit teasing your brother!

Con permiso, senior, this is my woman.

No, senior, that is your woman.

That is my woman, that is my woman, that is my woman and that is my woman.

Four women is too much for one man, senior.

Some men, four is barely enough.

Bueno, pues, I borrow this one for a few minutes, eh?

One highly trained man against four ignorant peasants?

You should have concluded that in half the time, Mr. West.

Who are you?

Hugo Kaufman, United States Secret Service.

What do you mean, ignorant peasants?

Those men are bandits, ruthless killers.

If you say so, Mr. West.

I suppose you could have handled it better?

No reflection on you, sir,

but I do imagine that our training program in the old days

was a bit less thorough than it is today.

What... What was your name again?

Hugo Kaufman.

I can see you and I aren't going to get along at all, Hugo.

To be quite frank with you, Mr. West,

I thought the scheme to be a bit wild and impractical myself.

Why was that?

Well, to revive a couple of over-age, sagging retirees

when the department is full of young, vigorous agents...

- But Uncle Bob felt that... - Who?

I meant to say Robert T. Malone,

the new head of the secret service, felt that...

Skinny Malone is the new head of the secret service?

I believe I said Robert T. Malone.

That's Skinny!

Hugo, when I retired, they wouldn't even let him out alone at night.

Then am I to report to Director Malone

that you've turned down this assignment?

Hugo, sit down.

Why does Skinny think that Artemus and I are right for this assignment?

I'm sure I don't know, Mr. West,

unless... unless it's because they feel

that Dr. Michelito Loveless is behind all of this.

I believe you two had some experiences with him.

Oh, we had some experiences.

But I happen to know that Michelito Loveless has been dead for five years.

Well, evidently you didn't know

that he had a son, Michelito Loveless Junior.

Of course I know that he had a son. I've known him since he was that big.

He's still that big.

Another Michelito Loveless loose in the world...

Is he as ruthless as his father?

More ruthless.

I don't know if I wanna work with Artemus Gordon again. I'm mad at him.

About what?

I can't remember, but I remember that I am mad at him.

You realize, of course, that Artemus and I

report directly to the president of the United States

and only to the president of the United States.

I'm afraid that won't be possible this time.

Why not?

Because we're not absolutely sure

that the man in the White House really is President Cleveland.

We'll get right on it.

- Can you speak for Gordon? - Yes, I can.

In that case, Skinny asked me to get...

Uncle Bob said that if I...

Director Malone asked me to give you this.

He said it was self-explanatory.

We'll need our train again.

Mr. West, we located your train on a siding near Kansas City,

where it also happens that Artemus Gordon is appearing this week.

Uncle Bob, huh?

Well, that explains a lot of things.

Goodbye, Mr. West.

Sagging.

Come out of retirement?

And give up all this?

Huh! You must be mad.

Artie, look, can't we discuss this in private?

- Let's go to your dressing room. - This is my dressing room.

Oh.

Besides, why would I wanna go to work with you again

after the dirty trick you did me?

- What dirty trick? - I don't remember.

I just remember it was dirty, that's all.

Come on, Artie, we can probably wind this thing up in a couple of weeks.

We might just have some fun.

Yes, we might also get ourselves killed.

It can't be any more dangerous than walking out on that stage every night.

- James... - Honey, sweet desire.

Can't we go out tonight, please?

And you can bring him along too.

And I'll get a girl for you.

That does it.

I'm ready. Let's go.

Sweet desire? Artie.

Gordon.

Your act is the worst I've ever seen on any stage.

I'm sick of you messing up my show.

You're fired.

- Mr. Deadwood... - Artie, that's my department.

You been sick or something?

No. Why?

You didn't knock that guy more than 12 feet.

I'm afraid all those years of soft living

has dulled the edge of your skills.

Well, don't you worry. From here on out, I take over your training.

And one month from now you'll either be in top shape or two weeks' dead.

42, 43...

Now, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it.

Do it all over again from the beginning.

Go.

One... two, three, four, five, six...

nine, ten...

17...

18...

19...

You're doing fine!

Just a little bit weak in the sprints!

I'll have the engineer speed up the next five miles.

Artie, I hope you're not wearing yourself out pulling on that rope.

Save your breath. The last four miles are uphill.

Skinny sure hasn't given us a whole lot to go on, has he?

All he had to go on, I guess.

How did they figure anyone could come up with substitutes

identical enough to fool whole nations of people?

Michelito Senior used to dabble in that department, remember, Artie?

Yeah. Surgery, facial surgery.

Never good enough to try anything this big.

Maybe Michelito Junior picked up where Michelito Senior left off,

with a few improvements of his own.

Yeah.

Wagon Gap, Arizona?

Why are we going to Wagon Gap, Arizona?

It's all in there. That's the last place that Junior was seen.

Now, our instructions are we're supposed to go to the Mint Saloon

and wait and see what happens.

Jim, tell me the truth.

Did you ever think that Skinny Malone had brains enough

to get this high in the service?

Artemus, at no time did I ever think that Skinny Malone had brains.

Mr. West?

So it finally happens.

What finally happens, young man?

I've been looking all over the west for you,

ever since I was old enough to lift a gun.

Now, why would you be doing that, son?

Because I knew someday l'd run into you and get you for killing my pa.

You stay right where you are, mister.

I think it's only fair to warn you, Mr. West,

that I ain't done nothing much in my life except practice for this minute.

You got the wrong man.

Oh, Mr. West, I was just a kid,

but I was standing right there when you killed my pa,

and I'll never forget your face.

- Now, when I count to four... - Four?

We're gonna go for our guns,

and if you don't go for yours, well, that's your tough luck.

One... two...

three... four!

I draw with either hand.

I figured you might.

I'll never stop till I get you.

What was your pa's name, son?

Miller Jason.

Get those wrists taken care of.

If you want your guns, you can pick up in the saloon after we've left.

Now, get out of here.

Why didn't you go for your guns?

Cos I knew you'd think of something.

Did you ever know his father?

He was killed in a raid a bunch of us made about ten years ago.

I didn't kill his father, but I knew the kid would never believe that.

- Well, who did? - You did.

Will you take care of these?

Two beers.

Oh, great!

Hey, Jim.

- That's hot and heavy work, isn't it? - Uh-huh.

Aren't you a little young to be in a place like this?

No.

I guess all girls in general

are just beginning to look younger and younger to me.

You really don't remember me, do you, Jim?

Course I remember you. How could I forget?

You were, uh, very fond of me at one time, or at least you said you were.

Well, I can see why I would be.

You used to take me all kinds of places.

I used to take you all kinds of places?

Well, then, how could I ever forget you?

I don't care how many years have passed.

Well, evidently you have.

All right, I surrender.

Do you remember Jennifer Jackson?

- I was very much in love with her. - I know. She's my mother.

- Your mother? - Uh-huh.

I'm gonna be sick.

- You're little Gabby? - Yes.

I'm gonna be very sick.

Well, what's the matter?

I was gonna invite you to dinner, among other things.

Great. I get off at six.

No, no. No, I couldn't.

- Why not? - No, no, really, I couldn't.

It wouldn't be... It wouldn't be decent.

Listen, you'll feel better when you get used to the idea.

Uh, I'll be back in a little while.

Makes you feel a thousand years old, doesn't it?

You realize you've got ties older than her?

- I need a real drink. - Good idea. I’ll join you.

- Two whiskeys. - Same for me.

There you go.

The joys of growing old.

How long are we supposed to wait round here before something happens?

Not long, I imagine.

It's all right, fellas.

Just some eastern dudes couldn't handle our western whiskey.

Drinks are on the house!

Come in, gentlemen. Come in, come in, come in, come in.

I don't... I don't believe you've met my sister Carmelita.

Tell me, Mr. West, how is your family in Mexico?

It must have been... painful to leave them.

Mr. Gordon, how is your theatrical career?

You know, you'll never be as famous as John Wilkes Booth, or as good.

Oh, you see, I've kept track of the two of you ever since my father died

and left me this tiny but exquisitely powerful empire.

I've known where you were.

I could have had you killed at any time, any day, any minute.

But, no, I thought something special

for the two men who drove my father to an early grave.

How did we do that?

My father died of ulcers,

ulcers brought on by the two of you constantly interfering with his plans!

Our father was the greatest man in the world.

He was the greatest man who ever lived, till I was born, of course.

Father had one tiny tragic flaw in his character.

And what was the flaw, you ask?

All right, I'll ask. What was that flaw?

It was a streak of mercy running through his soul

which neither my sister or I possess.

Did you know Michelito Loveless had a streak of mercy?

Silence!

Carmelita, let's show Mr. West and Mr. Gordon

what they're up against this time.

Gentlemen, this is Sonya and Alan.

Sonya and Alan are two of the most extraordinary people

the world will ever see.

But you don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Sonya, Alan.

Sonya, demonstrate.

Try to get up, Mr. West.

Alan, not to forget Mr. Gordon.

Alan, that's enough.

This is a demonstration, not an execution... not yet.

And now the explanation.

I call Sonya and Alan my 600-dollar people.

Why do I call them my 600-dollar people?

Because that's what it cost to build them: 600 dollars.

609 dollars, if you must know the truth.

Alan and Sonya are both quadruple amputees.

I have designed new arms and legs for them

that are a hundred years ahead of their time

through the clever use of pulleys and leverage.

They're the strongest and the fastest people in the world.

Why, the implications are obvious.

If I can build two 600-dollar people, I can build an army of them.

As a matter of fact, the cost should come down through mass production.

You two look intelligent. Are you going along with this crackpot?

Silence!

I will not have my authority undermined by strangers!

Besides, we have a little tour to take right now.

Have you fully recovered, Mr. Gordon?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good. Then let's be on with it.

Follow me!

You are about to meet the most distinguished group of people

ever gathered in one dungeon.

Silence!

Czar Nicholas, Czar of all the Russians.

Her Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria of England.

This is an outrage.

King Alfonso de Espafia.

Ustedes lo pagarén! Yo soy El Rey de Espafia, Alfonso!

Silencio!

Grover Cleveland, president of the United States.

Speechless, gentlemen?

If these are the real monarchs, who's sitting on the thrones of Europe?

Replicas, exact replicas, created by me, answerable only to me.

So you see, Mr. West, I've already conquered most of the civilized world.

I'll get around to the other parts as time permits.

Tell the guards to take their Royal Majesties to Observation Hill.

Mr. Gordon and Mr. West will join me for a sentimental journey.

Follow me!

I am sure that Mr. West and Mr. Gordon

would like to pay their last respects to my father.

Ah, Daddy would enjoy the sight of the two of you kneeling.

Kneeling at the foot of his shrine.

I promised you this, Daddy, and I delivered.

If you're trying to contact your father, you're looking in the wrong direction.

You know, I think you've missed two of the shrine's finer points.

Daddy... Daddy would love being buried someplace

where he could look down on you.

But not yet. Not yet.

Off to Observation Point.

Your Majesties, Mr. President,

what you are about to see is beyond your wildest imaginings.

You will not believe your eyes.

It's so pretty.

After the demonstration, you will be given 20 minutes

to write to your respective countries and demand an immediate surrender...

to me.

Silence!

Now behold.

Isn't that incredible?

Always the same damn mushroom cloud.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Take them back to their cells!

See to it they have plenty of writing paper!

Get that thing off me!

Gordon, West, you will rejoin me in the library.

Que animal.

Que animal.

Well, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon,

you still think there's anything or anyone that can stop me?

From what?

From dominating the world.

Stay!

Junior, you're crazier than your father ever was.

Did it ever occur to you that my father was, and I am, completely sane,

and the two of you and the rest of the world are mentally deficient?

No, that never occurred to me.

- Did it ever occur to you, Artie? - Never.

Did it ever occur to you that my father was normal sized

and the two of you might be throwbacks to caveman types?

Now, that occurred to me.

Well, enjoy yourself, Mr. Gordon. You have 30 days to live.

- Hey, little man. - Little man? Little man?!

I will have you know that in my family lam a giant among the men!

I towered over my father!

- Well, who didn't? - Mommy didn't.

I... I believe our distinguished guests

should have their letters of surrender finished by now.

You will take them to the... to the appropriate embassies.

Junior, you're dreaming.

Fools! Idiots!

You saw the explosion.

I have harnessed the very energy that is the source of our universe.

But you still don't know anything about people, Junior.

I know this much about people.

They don't like to die. They're afraid.

When they find out that I have one of my magnificent bombs

planted in all the major cities of the world,

in Rome, in Moscow, in London,

they just might find the word "surrender" a bit more palatable.

Sonya.

Alan.

The needle.

Ah.

When you awaken, you'll be on your train heading back to Washington, DC.

Deliver your messages. Tell your people what you've seen.

Remember, you must be back at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap

by 12 midnight, June 13th.

I repeat, 12 midnight, June 13th.

If not, a large eastern American city will disappear.

Artie?

Artie?

What's the matter with you?

Artie, do you have any idea how we got here?

How we got here? I don't even know where we've been.

Artie, what was that explosive?

James, there's nothing I know known to man

that could possibly cause an explosion that size.

I figure we had to be ten miles away from that blast.

Yeah, about.

Well, taking a quick triangulation in my head,

I figure the area of total devastation was almost a mile, a mile and a half.

No, no, Artie, it was bigger than that. It was probably... two miles.

All right, two miles.

The area of additional destruction had to go even beyond the area of the blast.

Junior has himself a real winner.

Listen, those 600-dollar people are no joke either.

Artie, you could have handled Alan

if you'd just remember some of the things I taught you.

Even with the army and navy on my side, I could not have handled Alan.

They're gonna ask for a written report.

They're probably gonna want some suggestions too.

Well, I got a suggestion.

Surrender.

The crowned heads of Europe and President Cleveland

in iron cages somewhere in the Arizona desert?

600-dollar people who can outrun a train

and move mountains with their bare hands?

One bomb that can destroy an entire city?

Have you two started drinking in the morning?

Skinny, we don't have all the time in the world to convince you.

You said you'd been drugged.

Did it ever occur to you that you were hallucinating?

Both of us together?

Hallucinating the same hallucinations at the same time?

Would you like to see the bruises from my hallucinations?

- How do you spell "hallucination"? - Quit taking notes, Hugo.

I don't want any record of this meeting.

How sure are you that you actually saw President Cleveland?

More to the point, how sure are you that we didn't?

Not very sure.

This may seem a bit indelicate,

but... if the man in the White House isn't President Cleveland,

wouldn't Mrs. Cleveland know it?

She was the first one to suspect, if you know what I mean,

but even she isn't sure.

He walks like President Cleveland, he talks like President Cleveland,

he bumbles around ineptly like President Cleveland.

Hugo, you write that down, I'll kill you.

In your position, it's imperative you have a transcript of all of this,

otherwise history may judge you insane, Uncle Bob.

Hugo, don't ever mention our relationship again.

No more Uncle Bob.

Skinny, I wanna point out something to you.

Junior said that he had planted a bomb in a large eastern city.

He didn't say it wasn't Washington, DC.

L'd hardly consider Washington an eastern city.

If you lived in Arizona, you would.

- When did you wanna go back? - Right away.

Wait until tomorrow morning.

I wanna think about this and see how much of it I believe.

- Skinny. - Yes?

Believe.

Well, Hugo, what's your evaluation?

Senility.

I've said right along what we needed was younger men on this assignment.

Go to your office, Hugo.

Yes, Uncle Bob.

Creep.

Capitol Hotel.

"Have you two started drinking in the morning?"

Skinny's sudden rise to the top's affected his mind.

Well, it is kind of a wild story, you know.

I don't know how much of it I believe myself.

You know, Jim, staying over an extra day is gonna cut it awfully close

if we have to be in Wagon Gap by the 13th.

Maybe we won't wait for Skinny's permission to leave.

Right. What's the worst that can happen to us?

He'll fire us off the job.

Which we never asked for in the first place.

Right. From here on out, we do it our own way.

With no interference, Artie, from anyone.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I am a stranger in a strange land

and I must ask for your protection.

- Well, of course. - Protection from what?

Anything. Anything. It doesn't matter.

On this very street in broad daylight, I was just accosted by three men.

Only three?

I would have thought half of Washington would have been after you.

That's very gallant of you, but it was a terrifying experience.

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

I don't cry easily.

I hope you don't consider this a breach of hospitality, gentlemen.

I hope you realize, young lady,

that effortlessly we could take that gun away from you and make you eat it.

If you don't mind the sight of your own blood, by all means,

go right ahead and try to make me eat my gun, Mr. Gordon.

Interested in my noiseless firearm, Mr. West?

It's one of the latest developments of British Intelligence.

- You're British Intelligence? - I think we've talked enough for now.

Take her gun away from her and make her eat it, Artie?

Ah, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon.

Any difficulty, Penelope?

Mr. West and Mr. Gordon seem unusually susceptible to a pretty face.

Mmm. A weakness we'd never tolerate in any of our agents.

I'm Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence.

You've met Penelope.

This morning you gentlemen delivered letters

to the British, Russian and Spanish embassies.

In the letter to the British embassy,

purportedly written by Her Majesty, Queen Victoria,

some mention was made of the immediate and unconditional surrender

of the British empire.

Now, usually we dismiss this sort of thing as the product of a deranged mind.

However, in this case, I decided to confront you gentlemen

and ask the simple question,

"What in the hell are you people up to?"

ls British Intelligence asking for the cooperation

of the United States Secret Service?

If so, your ambassador should contact our Secretary of State,

who will contact our bureau head.

We're not in the least bit interested in your cooperation.

In matters that even remotely concern Her Majesty,

we'd never involve a bunch of rustic, poorly trained colonials.

Colonials?

Didn't we win that war in 1776?

Britain was occupied elsewhere in 1776.

I think it's only fair to warn you

I am not known for being the most patient of men.

Neither is he.

Window.

Unbreakable glass.

Another new invention of British Intelligence.

Actually, we stole it from the Russians.

That was crude, Mr. West, unbelievably crude.

Listen, Sir Captain, or whatever your name is...

Captain Sir David Edney.

Sir David, our two countries, no, the entire world, is facing a threat

you can't even imagine the boundaries of.

I am waiting for you to tell me.

Oh, then, you're willing to exchange information and start cooperating.

Hardly, Mr. Gordon. It's a bit more of a one-way street than that.

We want to know what you know,

but what we know is privileged information.

It won't work that way.

That is exactly how it's going to work.

Sir David, we don't have time to play these foreign agent games.

Up against some sort of a deadline, Mr. West?

Yes. And so are you, if you only knew it.

- Well, would you care to tell me? - We'll tell you nothing.

You people come around here, start messing around with our country

like you still owned it.

Forget it.

- I couldn't have said it better myself. - Thank you.

Take these gentlemen to our special guestroom.

The next king of England could be a little fella about that big.

I rather liked Mr. Gordon.

A little fella about that big.

Then they have made contact with Michelito Loveless Junior.

Hmm.

How long have we been here?

I don't know. Too long.

Why do you suppose they haven't put any pressure on us until now?

They don't have to. We're the ones fighting the deadline.

All Sir David has to do is sit and wait us out.

I'll bet you a thousand to one

Junior doesn't have those bombs planted around.

Listen, it was a billion to one he didn't have one in the first place.

Yeah.

Hey, Artie. Got any idea how to get out of here?

- Well, yeah, but it's a rotten idea. - I'll take it.

All right. Follow my lead.

No, don't! Don't break that! You'll blow up the whole house!

- Don't! - I'm going crazy in this room!

No, don't light that fuse! I think you have gone crazy!

After all those years of working with you, who wouldn't be crazy?

We'll all go up together!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

You know, for a rotten idea, that worked pretty well.

Don't move, Penelope.

I want to remember you always the way you are now.

Puzzled.

Are we gonna make it back in time?

Barring train wrecks and more Penelopes,

but it's still gonna be close, Artie.

Oh, so this is how that little noise-suppressor works, huh?

It's just a simple little gas chamber.

I could make us each one exactly like this.

What did you write in the letter to Skinny?

Oh, l just told him about the unfriendly attitude to the British,

and I sent our love to Hugo,

and I told him how sorry we were that we couldn't find the time to say goodbye.

They couldn't find the time to say goodbye?

And what were they doing fooling around with the British anyway?

I not only think they're drinking too much.

I think they're getting senile.

I told you we should put a guard on that train.

Excuse me, Uncle Bob, sir.

I believe it was I that told you that we should put a guard on that train.

Hugo, you're going west.

- West, sir? - Far, far west.

About as far west as it's possible to go and still remain in the United States.

- Wagon Gap, Arizona. - And what will I be doing there, sir?

Find West and Gordon without their knowing it,

keep them under constant surveillance without their knowing it,

and report their activities to me every day by telegraph.

And what if there’s no telegraph office in Wagon Gap?

- Open one. - Yes, sir.

And may I add, sir, that not only am I ready

for an assignment of such importance,

but I know you'll all agree it's long overdue.

I'll start preparing for my trip immediately, sir.

- Hugo. - Yes, sir?

If after your assignment is finished

you should feel you'd like to remain in the west and seek your fortune,

your aunt and I will somehow manage to console ourselves.

No need to worry about that, Uncle Bob.

The secret service is my life and always will be.

Creep.

We should be in Wagon Gap in about an hour, Artie.

You go ahead of me by 15 minutes.

That's probably all the leeway we'll have.

And don't worry. You look fine.

I don't know about this whole thing.

What am I supposed to do in that saloon?

Oh, just mingle with the other girls,

get the men to talk to you, buy you a few drinks and keep your ears open.

Never know what you're gonna hear.

That's your idea of clever undercover work, huh?

Oh, I... I know it's not much of a plan,

but it'd be silly for the two of us to walk into that saloon

and put our necks into Junior's noose.

And you don't think they're gonna recognize me in this, huh?

Well, how could they? I don't recognize you myself.

The thing I don't like about all this

is we have to sit around and wait for Junior to act, then we just react.

We ought to be in more control of the situation.

- What'd he say? - I don't know.

I don't understand the language.

That I understand.

Ladies first.

Mr. West? Good evening, Mr. Gordon. You're looking lovely.

Oh, this dress. Well, I don't usually...

No need to explain.

We've found many of your American customs to be rather bizarre.

But I haven't introduced myself. I am Nadia Winogradov.

- Russian Intelligence. - You might say that.

That just leaves Spain to be heard from.

Yeah.

I don't think the Spanish are even aware of what has happened yet.

Oh? Has something happened, Nadia?

Don't play games with me, Mr. Gordon.

Several days ago you delivered a letter to the Russian embassy

which is either the most remarkable forgery we have ever seen or...

well, I don't even want to think about it.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. West. We shan't keep you long.

We know you have appointment at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap at 12.

Then why'd you stop our train? It seems to me you know everything.

Not everything, Mr. West.

That Russian citizen in Dr. Loveless's custody, whoever he is,

is of vital concern to the Russian government.

If anything should happen to him while he's in your country,

well, I doubt if America is ready for war with Russia yet.

War? What war?

You're talking to a couple of lowly, menial agents, that's all.

We don't deal in wars. Our president handles all our wars.

Which president, Mr. Gordon? The one in Washington?

Or the one in Dr. Loveless's dungeon?

And another thing.

We understand that you've witnessed an explosion

of the bomb that Dr. Loveless is threatening us with.

Is it anything that we should worry about?

Worry.

You know, it doesn't seem to me that in the old days

we had so many foreigners interfering with everything we did.

In the good old days we didn't run around in circles so much either.

You realize we haven't done one thing right?

You know, there's something wrong with that dress.

It would stick out like a sore thumb in a dance hall.

Needs to be more... more off the shoulder, more decollete.

Decollete? What are you talking about?

- Well, if you got it, show it. - I don't have it!

- Show it anyway. - Jim, that's the only dress I got.

Why don't you...

make something out of this?

When you walk into that Mint Saloon, I want you to be popular, sought after.

Crazy.

Mr. West!

We meet again.

Not tonight, son. I don't have time for you tonight.

I'm gonna count to four, and on the count of four...

You can count to 4,000 if you want to, but not tonight.

Are you gonna leave my guns with the bartender again?

No. I'm through being nice to you.

One for you. One for you.

Let me have whiskey.

You bet.

After you.

Don't say anything.

I know what you're thinking, but you can trust me.

I'm nothing like my brother.

Different mothers.

Well, yes, but not just that. Other things.

I don't think the same way he does.

In fact, I think that he is a little crazy.

Do you?

A man who's out to conquer the entire world

and you think he's a little crazy?

I can tell you don't trust me, Jim.

Now, what can I do to prove that I am sincere?

There's a couple of things that come to mind.

Well, I'm all for that.

That's pretty convincing.

- What do you want? - I want you to stop my brother.

- I want you to let me help you. - Why?

Because I am terrified of him.

You do not know the lengths he's willing to go.

And he'd sacrifice me as fast as anyone.

Now, are you convinced?

It's getting better.

Well, let me help you.

Where's the eastern city where he has the bomb planted?

Oh, who cares?

- Carmelita. - Hmm?

Carmelita.

All right, it's Washington, DC.

Next time you see your brother,

you tell him that the entire armies of the United States,

England, Spain and Russia

are getting prepared to march against him.

It's not gonna make any difference, Jim.

He's got one of those horrible bombs of his planted in the dungeon,

and he would just as soon

blow up everything and everyone for miles around than be captured.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be one of them.

Jim, you have to trust me.

Please.

Oh!

I think I love you.

Oh, what a night!

Well, I guess I never had such a good time in my whole life.

Dancing, champagne flowing, men fighting over me.

Oh, I never knew girls had so much fun.

And that Gabrielle, well, she and I got along so famously,

she wants to take a room with me, be my roomie.

Well, a lot of the girls room together.

Seemed like a great idea to me at the time.

By the way, don't trust Gabrielle.

- Why not? - She works for Junior.

How do you know?

Everybody in Wagon Gap works for Junior.

It's a company town.

What are you doing? What's that?

This is just possibly the stronghold where Junior entertained us.

We were here.

After I left the saloon, I took a walk with Carmelita, Junior's sister.

She said she wanted to come over to our side.

She told me some things I didn't know before.

And you trust her?

- Completely. - Mm-hm.

That's the only place she could have gone.

- What if we find her? - She might be telling the truth.

Junior is something to be afraid of, even if you are his sister.

Let me have a look at the lock.

It's all right, Penelope. It's only Mr. West and Mr. Gordon.

Do you know, my information was you chaps left town two hours ago.

Well, your information's wrong. We never left town.

My information was that you were taken in by another pretty face, Mr. West,

a very pretty face.

Oh, do you have Carmelita?

No, Miss Loveless rode out of town in a southwesterly direction.

Unfortunately our man lost her in the dark shortly after that.

- Have you seen the Russians yet? - Mmm.

Very clumsy bunch, the Russians.

They could get us all killed if we're not careful.

- Well, gentlemen, if that’s all... - No, it isn't.

- How'd you find this place? - This?

This is the flat Michelito Loveless uses when he's in Wagon Gap.

We've had it under surveillance for some time now.

Gentlemen... it's quite all right

if you want to putter around the fringes of our investigation,

but do try not to get in our way, won't you?

Don't move, Mr. Gordon.

I want to remember you always the way you are right now.

Speechless.

I think we're losing. Let's get out of here.

They're not bad.

Yeah, well, that Captain Sir David Edney

tops the list of guys I'd like to meet in a dark alley some night.

I wouldn't mind meeting Penelope under those circumstances, I can tell you.

What do you wanna do?

You wanna go after Junior or wait for him to get in touch with us?

- Let's go after him. - How?

Catch up with Carmelita.

She could have backtracked on us, you know.

We could be riding right into a trap.

Junior is out there somewhere.

And you can't go back to your career and I can't go back to my comforts

till we find that little monster.

Send a message to my brother that Mr. Gordon and Mr. West

will be arriving not by train but by horseback.

You.

You should be able to capture them real easily

when they come through that ravine down there.

Wait a minute.

Signal my brother to send in some more men.

Looks like we have more company than we expected.

Ah, Jim, if only you can live long enough to know how sorry I am.

Gentlemen, I am happy to announce

that your warm and cozy graves are open and awaiting your occupancy.

Junior, you can kill us, and I'm sure you will,

but it won't get you one step closer to where you wanna be.

No, but it's gonna make me feel so much better,

and my father, wherever he is, rest easier,

knowing that his death has been avenged by me.

You know, frankly, gentlemen, you disappointed me.

I thought you'd do more with the few extra days to live I've given you.

What did you expect? The major powers of the world to roll over and play dead?

All because of threats from some little pipsqueak?

Pipsqueak? Pipsqueak?!

Which one of them called me a pipsqueak?

All of them.

Well, I have their monarchs and heads of states in custody.

I can wipe out any city with a wave of my hand.

Does that sound like the work of a pipsqueak?

Well, it sounds like the work of a sort of powerful pipsqueak, yeah.

And still they refuse my offer for unconditional surrender.

Well, they'll pay.

They'll pay with the lives of their monarchs

and their ordinary citizens by the millions.

But first things first.

And, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon, that would be you.

I was afraid we'd be way down on the list.

I was hoping.

You know, I've thought of countless ingenious ways of disposing of you,

sending you on your way into the ethereal, but I can't decide on one.

You mean, we get a... a say in the matter?

You might be able to help.

You know, taxidermy, I've always wanted to take up taxidermy.

The two of you might look beautiful mounted in my trophy room.

Well, we'll decide that later, but it's fun to think about, you know?

Alan, put them in the cage with Grover Cleveland, our president.

Uh, uh...

First I'd like a word with Mr. West alone.

No sentimentality?

No sentimentality.

No sentimentality.

Oh, Jim, I am in love with you.

Well, at least I was when I was with you alone.

But when you're not around, somehow I...

Well, blood must be thicker than water.

Carmelita, you may have been lying to me last night,

but there was a lot of truth in some of the things you said.

There was?

He would sacrifice you, and you do have reason to be afraid.

Now, after we're gone, you don't have a friend in the world.

I can't listen to this.

Carmelita, this may be your last chance.

Well, it's yours for sure.

Alan! Bye.

Something bothering you, Mr. West?

You keep your hands off of me.

- Or what, Mr. West? - Not now, Jim.

Any time, Mr. West. Any time at all.

Mr. President, my name is James West

and this is Artemus Gordon. We're with the secret service.

Aren't you the people that are supposed to see

nothing like this ever happens to the president of the United States?

Yes, sir. That's quite right. That's why we're here.

We're gonna try and remedy that situation.

Be interested to see how,

particularly since you seem to be in as bad a predicament as I am.

Well, I can certainly see where it might look that way.

Don't do that again, young lady.

It is against every instinct I possess to strike a woman,

but I must warn you...

Yes.

It's all right.

I hope you realize how unfeminine this sort of behavior is.

Ah, Your Majesty.

- Your Majesty. - Get up, man. Don't be ridiculous.

Who are you people?

Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence, ma'am,

and this is my assistant, Miss Penelope Devery.

Has anyone in England even noticed that I'm no longer sitting on the throne?

No, ma'am. Fortunately we've been able to keep that secret so far.

A secret?

Well, ma'am, the other Victoria looks so much like you

and talks so much like you.

The other Victoria?

In fact, we weren't altogether sure ourselves that she isn't you.

Well, she isn't, I can assure you.

Well, I suppose if anyone would know that, Your Majesty, you would.

- Captain Edney. - Yes, ma'am.

Get me out of here. That's an order.

No need to concern yourself, Your Majesty.

I have already begun to put my mind to it.

Who was that girl who brought us in?

Girl? Oh, that girl.

Well, she's just an ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill American girl.

Just another pretty face, you might say.

Do you mean to say that all American girls are that strong?

Strong? You thought she was strong?

She didn't even look particularly healthy to me.

Oh.

What are your plans for getting out of here?

Well, David, we've been going over the whole situation, and we've decided...

Yes?

There isn't any way out of here.

Artie.

Let's get to work, huh?

Keep an eye on 'em.

Same two guards, both asleep.

We're all right.

I'll pass it to Edney.

- Know how to use one of these? - Of course.

Cooperate?

Ag reed.

Shh.

Let 'em out, Artie.

Her Majesty must go first.

No one takes precedence over the queen of England.

This is the United States

and the president takes precedence in the United States.

It is unthinkable that the Czar of all the Russia

should be preceded by anyone.

I'm terribly sorry. This is not a negotiable point.

Shut up!

I don't have time for all of this.

Now, all you kings, queens, presidents and followers, shut up!

- Que’ dice? - Shut up.

Shut up?

Now, I don't know if we have two minutes or two seconds

or if we're already too late.

But we have reason to believe that there is a bomb hidden in this dungeon,

a horrible bomb.

- Que’ dice? - Hay una bomba.

- Bomb, bomb, bomb. - Una bomba?

And I want all you kings and all you queens and all you followers

to look for that bomb!

- Que’ es lo Que pasa? - Es necesario buscar.

Oh, la bomba. Bueno, Bueno. Vamos a ver lo Que esta pasando.

Nada.

There's nothing in there, no, and I don't quite...

Excuse me, Your Majesty. I beg your pardon, ma'am. Yes.

Artemus, could this be it?

Could be. Jim?

- What is that? - It's our passport out of here.

Easy.

Easy.

Let's go.

Hitch up the horses. Go.

Come on, come on.

Mr. President and Your Majesties, in the wagons.

You can't seriously ask Her Majesty to ride in a thing like that.

Captain Edney, you are a blithering idiot.

Yes, ma'am.

Are you sure?

I'll have the horses waiting out by the well.

If we're not there in a little while, you go on.

You'll be there.

Get those people as far away from here as soon as possible

in case this thing goes off.

- We'll try and hold 'em back. - Good luck, old chap.

- Some other time. - Ah, yes, of course. Right you are.

- I'll be waiting. - Waiting?

I'll explain later. All right, let's go.

Hyah!

That won't work with me, Mr. West.

You're gonna have to fight your way past me.

And what's the matter with you?

He broke me.

That's a pretty fiendish thing to do.

Well, so is this, Junior.

That bomb is of no use to anyone unless you know how to detonate it.

- Maybe there's more than one way. - What do you mean?

Well, we could kick it around the room or throw it against the wall.

Or bounce it off your head!

It doesn't work that way.

Well, let's find out.

No!

No, it might malfunction.

All right. What do you want?

Your prisoners have already escaped. We don't want you to go after them.

And we're gonna follow them to make sure you don't.

And once they're safely out of the country,

we're coming back for you, Junior.

If l could only be sure that you'd come back.

We'll be back, Junior. You can count on it.

Jim, take me with you.

Carmelita!

Oh, Jim, you have to take me with you, please?

It doesn't matter if you go or if you stay.

From this moment in time, you are under a sentence of death.

He means it, Jim.

Besides, there's something you don't know.

Alan, stay!

My only living blood relative treats me like this?

- Wait, wait, wait. - No, no, come on.

No, what you don't understand

is that he can explode this bomb at incredible distances,

and I know he's gonna wait until we get far enough away

and push the button.

- Oh. - Oh, perfect.

Your death will be more painful than theirs, Carmelita!

Goodbye, Michelito!

Ooh!

Eight, nine, ten.

It's the end of Michelito Junior.

I'm afraid not.

No one could possibly have lived through that explosion.

He didn't have to.

I know of at least five replicas he made of himself last year.

My guess is he's got one in every major city in the world.

Does that mean we're gonna have to stay in the service

until we hunt down every one of those dangerous little pipsqueaks?

Not me. I hired on for one Michelito Junior.

The rest can belong to anybody that wants 'em.

Well, I don't.

You don't understand, Jim.

I can be of great help to Penelope in her career,

introduce her to the right managers, help her select the right roles.

I'm sure she's a very lucky girl, Artie.

I just hope she knows how to show her appreciation.

Come on, Jim.

Mr. West?

There's no getting away this time.

- Give me your gun. - What?

I said give me your gun. I'm not gonna shoot you.

I just wanna show you something.

Quit picking on me.

Oh, Nadia.

- Thought you left with the Czar. - I've defected to the west.

Well, I wish you'd told me you were thinking about that.

I am working at Mint Saloon now, and I am late.

So goodbye, Mr. West. Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.

Nadia.

I'll bet with just a little training, that girl would make a fine actress.

Maybe I settled on Penelope a little too soon. I mean, that girl's got...

I never thought I would hear a sordid remark like that

coming from your mouth, Artemus.

James.

Hugo.

What are you doing here?

Uncle Skinny sent me out here to keep an eye on you two.

- But I couldn't find you. - Where were you looking?

Uh, have you two wound up the case yet?

It's wound, Hugo.

Well, I wonder if you could do me a favor.

In your report to Uncle Skinny, could you include a message from me?

Tell him that I've decided to take his advice and move out west.

You'll be sorely missed by the secret service.

Well, this little filly here

seems to think I could become a big man in the west.

It's a depressing thought, but she's probably right.

- Goodbye, Jim. - Please give my regards to your mother.

I will. Goodbye, Artemus.

- Is the president still aboard? - And a girl.

- A girl? - Just as far as Kansas City.

You can drop us both off there.

Why not?

We are going to escort the president safely to Washington.

Then it's back to Mexico for me,

and you, dear Artie, anyplace you like, and the girl.

Fair enough.

Well... sure was fun, wasn't it?

I haven't stopped laughing.

And we did defeat Michelito Loveless Junior.

- Or did we? - Of course we did. What do you mean?

What if the real people were on the thrones in the first place

and those people in the dungeon were replicas?

Now we are substituting replicas for real people.

Maybe that's what Junior wanted in the first place, Artie.

Oh, no, that's ridiculous.

Artie, excuse me for a minute.

What...?

Well, I'm ready.

You are taking me with you, aren't you?

- No. - Why not?

You wouldn't be happy there.

That's not the real reason, is it?

Carmelita, you're the loveliest thing I've ever seen...

but I wouldn't trust you an inch and a half.

- Why not? - You've got confused loyalties.

With five little Juniors loose in the world,

I wouldn't know whether to expect a kiss on the cheek or a knife in the back.

A guy could get killed loving you.

Bye, Jim.

Say, James, listen, you... you were kidding about the real people

being on the throne all along, weren't you?

Was I?

Come to think of it, how do I know you're the real Artemus Gordon?

How do you know I'm the real James West?

Think about it. Frightening, isn't it?

All aboard... whoever we are.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Robert T. "Skinny" Malone IV,

present-day head of a United States bureau

so secret I don't even know what it is.

The show you've seen this evening

was taken from the ancient files of that bureau.

It was only when we dug out these files that we realized

there were still some unanswered questions regarding this case.

It seems unlikely that Dr. Loveless actually did have atom bombs

hidden in the cities of Washington, DC, London, Moscow and Madrid,

or that those bombs could have remained hidden until today.

However... if you should run across anything that looks like this,

it might be wise to notify your local sheriff,

or better yet your United States Secret Service.

Good night and sleep well.