Original subtitles

We're gonna start off with some questions. Fire away.

Yeah, Jim.

How will the school's rider

to the appropriations bill

affect a possible veto by the mayor?

I don't know. Larry.

How does the city plan to handle the inevitable clash

between the mayor's quality of life campaign

and the strain it places on individual rights?

I'm taking questions up here, not riddles, o. k., people?

Mr. Mayor.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We are pleased to announce that our rat eradication program

is not only difficult to say, but has proven highly effective

in reducing the rat population in the city.

So, new yorkers, your cheese is safe.

your cheese is safe.

You wanna take over here, Mike? I'm getting nothing.

Thank you, mr. Mayor.

Last night, in an around-the-clock effort,

city workers were able to eliminate

1 million rats from new York city.

We tried to be as humane as possible.

In fact, the lucky millionth rat was set free,

and given a year's supply of moldy crackerjacks.

So if you see a rat covered in caramel

wearing one of those cool fake tattoos,

say congratulations, and then smash him with a brick.

Nikki, Stacy, I think it's great that you offered

to give the Italian water polo team

a tour of the office, but since when does the official tour

of city hall end in a hot tub at the four seasons?

I never understood why they call it a washboard stomach,

but the way the water trickles down...

I think we can move on now.

Let the woman finish.

O.k., unless anyone has anything else...

Paul's wedding gift.

Ho ho, oh, guys.

Oh, yeah.

We haven't even started shopping, Mike,

because we haven't gotten Stuart's share yet.

Besides the fact that I don't like Paul that much-no offense-

none taken.

I lost my shirt in that bar venture.

All right, guys, just get him something

with whatever money we have.

Mike, about that press conference this morning.

What would you say if people decided that they didn't like squirrels

and just started killing them off?

Squirrels are just rats with good p. r.

You can't play God, Mike.

Oh, no, that's what attracted me to the job.

Young college graduate to play God.

I just don't think we had a right to kill all those rats.

We just put the poison out.

They killed themselves.

The sad thing? We'll never know what drove them to it.

James, check out my ad in the classifieds.

Let's see. "Lovely well-built architect seeks to build Bridges... "

No, no, no. The one next to it. But circle that one.

Hey, wow! Why are you looking for a roommate?

Well, Stuart wasn't the only one

who lost his shirt in that bar thing. I can't cover my rent.

If things are that tight, why don't you just borrow money from your parents?

Uh, because I'm a grown-up.

Hey, Stacy.

How's it going?

I can't believe you're touching my desk with your butt.

I do it every morning before you come in.

I got evicted, and I need a place to stay for a few days

until I find something I can afford.

It would be the perfect excuse.

No, my building doesn't allow-

wait. Why am I sugar- coating this? No.

You know, Carter's actually-

no, no, no. Uh-uh.

Got the classifieds there?

Yes. I'm buying a boat.

What about you, Nikki?

I'm down on my luck, and I'm broke.

I just need a place to crash for a while.

Sorry, I've fallen for that line way too many times.

Hey, this guy you're dating sounds pretty cool.

You mean dr. Cash?

He's not a doctor, he's a veterinarian.

I ran it past my mom. She said it counts.

Maybe one of us should take Stuart in.

All right, fine. Why don't we just draw straws?

I love this! I remember the first time I Drew straws.

It was with my brothers in High school.

I ended up taking my mom to the senior prom.

James, that is so sad.

What do you mean? I won.

What are you doing?

Drawing straws.

Oh. Who won?

Everyone else.

Aaaaggggghhhhhh!

what, what, what?

A rat! A big rat!

This thing was the size of a dingo!

Let me go get my cat. He's perfect for the job.

Wait a minute, Paul.

Didn't mr. Buttons get beaten up

by one of his own squeaky toys?

That's not fair. Because I put in the wrong-size battery,

the thing went haywire.

Go get mr. Buttons.

It's no coincidence the rat showed up here, Mike.

I think he knows what you did.

You know, that's funny,

because he looked me right in the eyes.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

And then, do you know what he did?

He got up on his haunches,

and he shook his little rat fist at me,

and he said, "I have a brain the size of a peanut,

and so does your speech writer. "

Rats can't talk.

I would like for you to meet my doctor-

I mean my Neil-dr. Neil.

Mr. Mayor. Wow. I'm a big admirer of yours.

Really? Have you ever sent me a letter?

No, sir, I haven't.

Oh.

oh! Oh, that must be your beeper, honey.

See, as a doctor, he has to constantly be on call.

Must be some kind of medical emergency.

Oh, sorry, sweetie. Gotta run.

Hair ball.

How cool is that?

I'm finally dating a guy with a beeper.

You know, I should have a beeper.

I should always be available

to make those split- second decisions.

I'll pick one up. Do you want Black or Gray?

Better let me sleep on that.

Ooh, hey, Paul.

What's with the throat pillow?

This-this is my attack cat, mr. Buttons.

Ah, ah, ah! Watch the hands!

No, it's been contracted

to kill the rat in Mike's office.

You can't go in there.

I hid your wedding present in there.

What a gyp. All right, mr. Buttons,

lock and load. You're goin' in.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'd hate to be that rat tonight.

ah!

Home, gay, home.

Where should I put these?

How about back in the seventies?

Ah, come on.

I know you're looking for a roommate.

We're meant for each other.

Huh.

This chair should face the television, not the couch.

Uh, uh, o. k., o. k.

Stuart, let's play a little game.

Let's pretend that this is my apartment,

and I get to have everything the way I want it all the time.

O.k. So where am I bedding down?

Hey, keep...

In my darkroom. Boxed up all my photo equi...

Equipment. Please feel free

to change the red light bulb if you want.

There's a red light bulb in there? Sweet.

Shall I set up a cot,

or would you prefer to hang upside down in the corner?

Checkmate!

Ah ah!

Stuart, I have some rules.

First, no visitors.

Second, I'm up at 7:15.

I'm in the shower by 7:20.

I'm out by 7:47.

A 27-minute shower?

If you had hair, you'd have oo.

Oh, hey, Paul.

Mr. Mayor!

What are you doing here, sir?

Well, sometimes I stay late

and snoop around in people's desks.

What are you doing here?

Same.

They hid my wedding present in Mike's office.

Aaaagggghhhhhh!

Aaaghhh! Oh, my God!

Ugh. Who left a bloody veal shank on the floor?

Oh, my God, it's mr. Buttons! Dial 911!

What's going on here?

Oh, here. Call 911.

It's mr. Buttons! Hurry!

Oh, my God. It's silence of the lambs in there!

I'll beep Neil. This is so exciting!

Not about your cat being maimed-

would you just beep him, woman?!

I can't find my organizer.

do I have to do everything?

Ah, this music video is amazing.

I mean, consider the dichotomy.

The lyrics are so raw, so angry,

and yet the image is of a mother

letting her friend's son stay for dinner.

Carter, I muted the television and turned up the radio.

This is a stovetop stuffing commercial.

Oh.

Don't worry about it.

You're cute when you're trying to show off.

I'll get us a couple more beers.

Hey, grab a foreign and a domestic...

You know, for the dichotomy.

O.k., now you're pushing it.

Oh!

You're supposed to be gone for another 3 hours.

It's pouring out, and I have no money.

I'm, really, really sorry.

O.k., see you in 3 hours.

fine, fine. Just-just stay out of the way.

You won't even know I'm here.

Who's the chick?

Hey, if you guys need to talk, I-

no, no. I'll just eat my burger.

You guys just do...

Whatever it is you do.

Oh, hey. The Yankees are down one in the ninth.

Cool. What's the count?

Uh, he's got 3 balls.

don't say it.

One more, and there'd be enough for both you guys.

You know what? Maybe we should just call it a night.

Christopher, wait, wait.

It's o. k. I'll... call you.

Christopher, you're...

I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

Get out!

Hey, Carter! I swear, no more infantile remarks.

Really? Hey, o'Neil is up.

Man, I hope he strokes a long one.

I'll bet you do.

I know mr. Buttons. He's gonna pull through.

He's a fighter.

Apparently not a very good one.

You know what hurts the most

is the way that malicious rodent

just stripped him of his dignity!

He didn't lose his dignity.

Claudia, the rat took his tail!

Can you help me move the rest of my stuff in?

No, Stuart.

You don't seem to understand.

I threw you out for good.

You can't throw me out. You're broke. You need a roommate.

Besides, you're never gonna find anyone else to live with you.

Oh, and how do you know that?

I took your ad out of the paper.

Hi. I'm Susan. I called about the apartment. Are you Carter Heywood?

Yes, I am.

I'll just need your credit report

and confirmation that you're into devil worship.

Thanks anyway.

That wasn't Susan.

Yeah.

Run, woman, run!

I thought you two went home.

I have returned to avenge the senseless maiming of my beloved friend.

We just came to take out a rat.

Why do guys use that fake macho voice

when they talk about killing something?

I don't know, baby.

We just do.

How're you doing? What do you got?

Tennis racket, knee pads, baseball bat.

We're not going to summer camp, Paul.

All right, what do you got?

Spring traps. I got rat poison. I got glue traps.

How do those glue traps work anyway, huh?

Well, your dumber animals

just sort of wander onto them and get stuck.

You gotta be careful with this stuff, Paulie.

These are not toys.

see, now this- this is very painful.

Well, Susan, it says here

that you enjoy gourmet cooking, cleaning... and travel.

Travel should be listed under "occupation. "

I'm a stewardess.

So I guess that means you won't be around very much.

At the most, about 8 days out of the month.

And did I mention I can get my friends free airline tickets?

um... I'll replace all those pop tarts I ate.

Oh. Um...

All right, Stuart, you listed your turn-on's

as fast women, fast cars,

and Southern fried rock.

I think the choice is clear.

Sorry, Susan. The exits are located at the front

and the rear of the bar.

Congratulations, Susan. You can move in whenever you want.

Thank you, Carter.

All right, Paulie. Make your sweep.

Copy that, red leader.

Mike, if I see a rat,

how will I know it's the right one?

He'll be wearing mr. Button's tail on his head.

Revenge, thy name is lassiter.

He got behind you!

Aaaggghhhh!

Mike, I'm here to protect the rat.

Oh, don't worry, James.

We'll be humane. We're just gonna wait him out,

and then we're gonna smack the cheese out of him.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Mike.

All right, listen. You just keep quiet, and don't interfere.

Mike, I'm here to interfere.

Well, then, we're at an impasse.

Go sit behind my desk.

What's that over there?

There he is, Mike!

Big swing, Paulie!

that's not a rat.

Actually, that was your wedding present.

It's got a remote.

From the very first time Susan and I spoke,

I knew we had a lot in common.

ha ha ha ha ha.

You certainly had the same taste in furniture.

She took everything.

She left my Bean bag and lamp...

So I'm good.

Claudia and I

have just returned from the small animal hospital.

It's the hospital that's small.

They treat animals of all sizes.

The point is, mr. Buttons wasn't there.

Well, I'm sure that Neil probably took mr. Buttons

to his private clinic.

That would have been hard for Neil.

Neil's not a doctor.

But you said you were a vet.

I am. I was in the Gulf war.

You know, I took a camera crew over there

thinking it would be a good photo op,

and just to save face, I had to give

my certificate of valor to a ferret.

By the way, ferrets don't like flash photography.

So you win again, Mike.

Another helpless creature falls victim to your madness.

How does that make you feel?

Like dancin'.

Whoo! Dead rat.

It's the poison, Mike.

Poor little guy made it halfway into the bullpen.

Now, that's courage.

Well, I'm very sorry, James,

and I know that for you

that rat stood for something

much more than the cat-bashing

bag o'plague that he was.

Uh, forget about it, Mike. I was just being silly.

No, no, James, no, no.

It's very important

that you stick up for your ideals.

Right, Mike. Big lesson.

Toss that thing in the trash, will you?

Yeah. Right away, Mike.

what a nightmare.

Oh, man, I'm exhausted.

Sit in the Bean bag.

I'm not sitting in that ridiculous-

aw, come on, you've been up all night.

Stuart, I... no.

wow, this is really comfortable.

The only down side is it sticks to your butt when you're naked.

I want out, I want out, I want out!

Come on. We've only got 15 minutes to get to work.

I can't believe this has happened to me.

Ah...

It'll be o. k., Buddy.

And if that woman ever shows her face again,

I will unleash a punishment upon her

she cannot even fathom.

Yeah, what are you gonna do, date her?

Gonna try.

You try to convince everybody that you only care about yourself, but you don't.

I mean, you stayed up with me all night.

I had to.

She took my cot.

The bottom line is, you're looking for a place to live,

and I'm looking for someone who won't steal my stuff.

If you want me to live here with you,

you're gonna have to ask me nice.

Fine. Stuart...

You can move in.

Come on, put some sugar on it, daddy.

Stuart, it would give my life great Joy and meaning

if you would pay half my rent every month

and try not to bother me.

I'm in!

But the Bean bag goes in my room.

Great. Then we won't have a problem with giants breaking in

and juggling the furniture.

Mr. Buttons. Oh, my God!

What have they done to you?

You're not supposed to shave the whole cat.

I have no medical training, o. k.?

His-his tail seems a little off-center there.

It's in the right area.

The right area? It's mr. Buttons, not mr. Potato head.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

moo.

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