Original subtitles

kudos to you, Mike. A special show for

these underprivileged kids. What a great idea.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen a female magician before.

Really, sir?

Your ex-wife made half your fortune disappear.

Not ready to laugh at that yet, are we, sir?

Yeah! Bravo!

This is wonderful. Look at the glow on these kids' faces.

It's nice to give them a day that's just about them, you know?

O.k., now I need a volunteer.

Ooh. Ooh-ooh. Ooh.

Ah, not so fast, shorty.

And how old are you, young man?

I'm 30, I'm single, and I'm the deputy mayor of new York.

Well, aren't you cute. Get in the box.

I see. You're gonna make those swords disappear

while I watch from the safety of this box.

Oh, God, I can't look.

Oh grow up, Paul. It's just a trick.

That's not really Mike in there.

What do you say the 2 of us-ow-

go out for dinner sometime?

Hey kids, he just asked me to dinner.

Should I go?

Go! Go! Go!

I love kids.

Pick me up at 7.

o. k. , I'll see you tonight, then.

O.k., regarding Saturday's softball game and the 15-0

shellacking we took from the cast of cabaret...

It's time to shake up the batting order.

Paul, you're no longer batting clean-up.

Where will I be?

You'll be on the bench, cutting orange slices.

Does that mean I get to play?

Yeah.

Yes!

But since you will be representing us on

the playing field, one bit of advice-

cup goes on the inside.

And just between you and me,

you might want to peel the boys, ages 8 to 11 sticker off that baby.

Gotcha, coach.

Stuart, the league asked me to replace you as first base coach.

Generally, you're only permitted to pat your own teammates on the ass.

But Mike, when am I gonna get another chance to touch an actress?

I mean meet an actress?

You need a woman who's more grounded.

Someone with a nice, stable career.

Like a magician.

Kaari is a wonderful woman, and we are very close.

Mike, I got that magic chick's last name for you.

Thank you.

And Stuart, this just came for you.

Huh.

Hey Mike, it's official! We are incorporated and licensed to sell booze.

Yes!

How cool is this? I'm friends with someone who owns a bar.

Finally I can get into a vip room.

Why, who do you know?

I can't believe you're opening a bar with Stuart.

Just him being there has to be some kind of health code violation.

What better way to go into business than with a friend.

50-50, even Steven, as much yours as it is mine.

So what's the place called?

Flaherty's.

Nikki, I'm collecting for the dance-a-thon.

Um, I danced 10 hours so you owe me 40 bucks.

What was the cause?

It's a disease, but with your help we'll find a cure.

You have no idea, do you?

I heard "dance".

I can't believe you're getting paid to dance.

That would be like James getting paid to be confused.

What?

I'm not getting paid?

Mr. Mayor, I'm glad I caught you.

Um, you pledged $10 an hour for my dance-a-thon, and I was collecting-

oh, absolutely. Whoops, no wallet.

Who wants to spot me a hundred?

I'll pay for you, sir.

Well thank you, James.

Dance-a-thon, huh?

Yes, sir.

Damn. I thought I was getting cookies.

Love those thin mints.

You know, I know a little magic.

It's all about misdirection. Ready?

Look in my kitchen.

ha ha ha.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Uh, listen. You don't know how to read minds or anything, do you?

You know, I am picking something up.

You're hoping we have socks tonight?

Ah, it's gone.

No no no, it's good. Keep going.

Was it something like this?

Listen, kaari, I gotta be honest with you.

I just came off a relationship,

and I'm not looking for anything serious. You know?

Neither am I.

I just like you and thought we could have a little fun.

Besides. Who would want a boyfriend

who forgets to clean behind his ears?

What are you talking about?

You're a very good magician.

I love you.

That's super.

I don't know how she smuggled that "I love you" into the bedroom.

Must have been wearing an ankle holster or something.

I strip-searched her pretty thoroughly.

No self-respecting girl would say those words so quickly.

I don't know about that.

What's the quickest you ever said it, Nikki?

I said it to a guy on a first date...

When he buzzed up on the intercom.

Mike, I have to congratulate you on your marketing savvy.

These free drink coupons? Great idea.

One per customer, Paul.

Come on, I mean, of course.

Paul, I have those copies you wanted.

Not now, not now...

West 19th street? That's a pretty gay neighborhood.

Hey, Stuart and I got a great deal on a great space.

It happens to be in a predominantly gay neighborhood,

but, you know, we're not going to pander to any one group.

Hey Mike, you're like a 30 waist, right?

Yeah, why?

'Cause I got you cut-off shorts and a tank top

so you can gay up for tonight's opening.

Now we just need to change the name of the place.

What's a good name for a gay bar?

Bite me.

That'll work.

I can't believe it.

Hey, I did some research.

If we opened up a straight bar, we'd be bankrupt in a week.

If we open up a fruit stand, we'll be rolling in dough.

Mike, please tell me you're not going to

participate in this charade. It's offensive.

How High up will these babies be riding?

You'll be showing no more than a quarter cheek on either side.

Mike...

All right, you're right.

Stuart, if this is the way you want to go, just find another investor.

I'll buy his share.

Wait a minute. What happened to "it'd be offensive"?

Well it would be for you, not for me.

I'm here, I'm queer, let's sell some beer.

S- Stacy!

Stacy, could you pull the lever, please? I'm stuck.

You still haven't gotten your money back from the mayor, have you?

I can't feel my fingers!

I lend money to someone, I get it back. I don't care who it is.

That money I'm dropping in the collection plate? I'm keeping track.

James, you all right?

I'm hungry, sir.

I didn't have enough cash for lunch today.

Well, hunger is a funny thing.

For instance, I just had a huge steak at a 4-star restaurant,

yet I still have this craving for a Candy bar.

Stole a mint from the bowl in the lobby, and drank 6 non-dairy creamers.

Hmm. This thing doesn't take 20s.

You wouldn't have a dollar, would you?

I just have one, sir, but I'm saving it for a subway token home.

Well, spoil yourself. Take a cab.

boy, look at the crowd in here.

I can't believe I pulled out of this place.

Come on, Mike. Looks can be deceiving.

I know there are a lot of people in here,

but that doesn't necessarily translate into cash.

Carter, quick, you gotta help me. We've run out of places to put money.

Put it in the ladies' room.

Good thinking.

All right, here's your beer.

I love you.

Here's yours.

I love you too, Mike.

Silly. That only works for me.

So, did your new girlfriend have a good time last night?

Actually, sir, she got a little clingy. Had to break it off.

Well, I hope you let her down easy.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Sir, it was one date. I'm sure she's already moved on.

then again, maybe not.

Now, Mike. Promise me you're not angry.

Angry about a tiger in my office?

What a delightful prank.

Tony's a sweetie.

But he got very angry when I told him you dumped me.

Aw, Tony... pal... There was a miscommunication.

When I said I didn't want to see kaari, I meant last night.

Today... today's a whole new day.

Tony knows you'd never break up with me.

Does Tony know I'm mostly gristle?

You can make it up to me tonight.

Dinner at your place with my parents

so they can see how serious we are.

Oh yeah, I was just going to suggest that.

You might want to leave the tiger at home, though, because, uh...

I just finished my last gazelle carcass.

don't tell me that's Tony's feeding time.

Just time to take my medication.

But I don't need it anymore, because I'm in love.

Oh, why don't you throw down a couple.

Just for old times' sake.

you guys are late.

What can I say? We got caught up at the bank.

There's a lot of paperwork involved when you make an unusually large deposit.

Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmm-mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmm-mmmm.

What, I'm supposed to be jealous just because you're making a lot of money? Huh?

No, even though the check had so many zeros in it it went...

Oooooooooooooh.

Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmm-mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmm-mmmm.

All right, all right. Cut it out!

I'm sorry, Paul. You're right. Hey...

Here's 5 bucks. That make everything all right?

Well, looks like Claudia's getting a bottle of wine with dinner tonight.

Ooh, I forgot. This came for you.

Citation...

Citation for allowing dancing without the proper licenses.

Stuart, I thought you said you got all the licenses.

Apparently I lied.

Look, what is the big deal? We'll just have dancing anyway.

No, we'll get shut down.

Carter, we own a dance bar.

We can't stay open without dancing.

Let me tell you something about the gay people...

They need to dance. They hear music, they can't help themselves.

Let me tell you something about the straight people.

You're a fool.

As you know, I believe in clinging to relationships long after they're over.

But I think you should let this one go.

The first time I dumped her I got a tiger in my office.

Next time it's gonna be, "oh, we think it's Mike,

but we have to check the dental records. "

So what are you gonna do, stay with this girl forever?

I figure we'll be married 2, 3 years tops...

I'll have her committed...

And I'm out of there.

So you're meeting her parents tonight.

Just offend them. She'll dump you for sure.

You ever done that?

Yeah.

Not on purpose.

Maybe you're right. She won't be able to do anything,

because there will be witnesses there.

I'm not afraid to take her on.

aaaaaah!

Gotcha, Flaherty.

Teach me how to be the kind of person who gets his money back.

Hey, that's my lucky pen.

I just borrowed it. How are you gonna get it back?

Well, in Wisconsin, people return things when they're done.

Could you not bite the pen?

James, forget the stupid pen.

You wanna know how things work in Brooklyn?

When you borrow something, you pay it back quickly.

And if you don't?

You move to Wisconsin.

Now listen, just ask the mayor for your money back.

I don't want to embarrass him.

- Then just take it. - Excuse me?

Well, the man never seems to be carrying his wallet. It must be somewhere.

top-left drawer.

Cough drop?

Top-left drawer!

No, I've got some right here.

James, the mayor's wallet is in his top-left drawer of his desk.

Wait a second. How did you know that?

Won't I get in trouble for that? I'm not going to steal from the mayor!

James, you're not stealing. The money is yours. Just take it,

and when you see the mayor, explain to him that you didn't want to disturb him.

O.k., all right, I'll do it.

Where's he keep his wallet?

I'm kidding, I'm not an idiot.

How did you and kaari meet?

It was 2 a. m. , I was on the floor of the bar,

I looked up, and there she was.

Actually, it was a charity event.

I'll say it was.

See, I told you he was funny.

Oh you know, I want to applaud you for

the loose moral code you've instilled in your daughter.

I don't want to get too graphic,

but let's just say caviar...

Really gets her going.

O.k., that's just about enough.

Linda, we're leaving.

Kaari, we'll wait for you downstairs.

Wow.

Really messed that up.

No one has ever talked to my parents like that.

Sorry...

I just really didn't like them.

Neither do I!

Oh, I love you, Mike.

Still, huh?

Even more now.

I gotta go do a gig tonight, but when I get back,

my next trick will be making my name appear on your mailbox.

Ah. Honey, you know tonight's not really a good night for

taking over my life. Because I gotta go... I gotta go away, uh...

On this business trip, uh, upstate... uh, at the upstate inn.

Anyway, I'm gonna be away for a few days, uh, uh, so I gotta pack.

H- h-have a nice weekend.

Leg's asleep.

Stop it, what are you doing?

I'm shaking my leg.

There's no shaking your leg, no shaking your bootie,

no shaking your groove thing. Stuart didn't get the cabaret license

so this is a dance- free zone.

"Stuart didn't get the cabaret license. "

Well you didn't get-

uh-huh.

You didn't get- uh-huh.

Oh, hell, you're perfect.

We pulled the plug on the jukebox,

no music, no dancing.

Stuart and Carter's bar.

The quiet alternative to fun.

Didn't kaari tell you that we hired her for this evening's entertainment?

Carter, no!

Kaari is a psycho, o. k.?

After she pulls the rabbit out of the hat,

she boils it.

Hey, bunny.

Ah. Hi, kaari. Uh, listen.

We, uh, we need to talk.

I thought you were out of town.

He flew all the way back to see you because he knew how important

your act was to our bar tonight.

But why did you fly when you didn't even leave the state?

I'm trying to build up the miles.

All right, James. Here comes the mayor.

Now just tell him what you did right away, and everything will be fine.

James, someone stole $100 out of my wallet.

Too late.

I don't even want to know who did it, because

I don't want to attach a face to the disappointment and the hurt that I feel.

I'm gonna call up security,

have them review the surveillance tapes,

arrest the culprit, and I'll never have to look at him.

Oh, one more thing, James.

This is for you.

It's for the money that you lent me a couple days ago.

Oh, God.

Give me the money. Give me the money.

Uh... mr. Mayor?

Before you go...

Can I hug you?

I mean, I just feel so sorry about your loss.

Ah, it was only $100.

Thank you, Stacey.

Next time I lose something, I'll make sure

that you're the first to know.

Sir, one more thing.

Whenever I lose $100, I seem to find it in my jacket pocket.

Huh.

No.

In my left jacket pocket.

Well, I'll be.

Here, the whole time.

Well, I'm just gonna go home and check all my suits.

O.k., I'm gonna need a volunteer.

Me! Me! Pick me!

How about a big hand for Paul!

How do I get rid of this woman? I will try anything.

Be a man. Tell her how you feel.

Something else.

All locked in, Paul?

Yes, stranger, I am locked in this box,

and I cannot free myself.

How will I escape this terrible fate?

Would you come up and be my beautiful assistant?

Actually-

now!

Coming.

You know, when we get married,

I'll make you your own costume.

Kaari, you and I are never getting married.

Mike, are you sure this is the best time for this?

Ow!

This thing is just over.

Nothing is over till I say it is.

oh, my God!

Oh, my legs! My legs!

I can't see you anymore.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

Why?

Because we're not a good match.

I'm sane, you're nuts!

I did it!

I did it, Paulie! I'm free.

Hey, everyone's leaving.

I'll just turn on the jukebox.

noooooooo!

you two own this bar?

Not anymore.

You're not licensed for dancing.

I'm shutting you down.

We had a dream.

And we followed it as far as we could.

Hell of a ride, wasn't it?

Stuart, we were open for two days.

Give me a break, all right?

I lost all my money.

Yeah.

Hell of a ride.

Don't touch me.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, my! I must have panicked slept!

Anybody! Marco!

Anybody, please!

Oh, my God! My leg!

Those aren't my shoes.

Those are beautiful shoes.

I hope you learned something from this, Stacey.

Huh? You don't have to bully people

or steal from them to get what's owed you.

Where I come from, we can rely on a little thing we call fairness.

Check the envelope, skippy.

I don't have to because it is a card that says...

"Thank you for the loan.

I will pay you back soon. "

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

moo.

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