Original subtitles

This is so exciting that the pope is coming to city hall.

I don't know what it is about having a powerful man around

that just gets me going.

Nikki, I shouldn't have to say this to you.

I know he's rich. I know he's single.

You can't date the pope.

I may not agree with the man,

but he's the only straight guy I know

who could pull off that outfit.

You can't imagine how jealous my family is

that I'm meeting the pope.

Is this shirt too low?

No.

Honestly, what do you know about style?

What is that?

It's my pet turtle Frank.

He's here for the blessing of the animals.

Say hello to everybody, Frank.

Paul, you're starting to constitute a security risk.

This is going to be the biggest moment in my political career.

I think moment is the key word, sir.

You know how we have this rule

about never trying to fix each other up?

I didn't know it was a rule.

I just thought you had given up.

I have a friend who's in from out of town

who I think would be perfect for you.

Carter, he has to be funny, smart, good-looking.

Mm-hmm.

O.k., maybe just funny and good-looking.

O.k., forget it. I'll go out with him.

Aside from the fact that he's straight, he's exactly like me.

So he's an incredibly gay straight man?

Now, that's it.

I'm officially taking down the suggestion box.

"Wisconsin rules" is not a suggestion.

I know. I just wanted to hear someone else say it.

Wisconsin rules!

Surprisingly, that was not the least helpful suggestion.

That honor goes to Stuart,

who proposed that Wednesday be "go without your bra day. "

In all fairness, I meant that for everybody.

Wisconsin rules!

All right, James. We've moved on.

Now, the contract talks with the transit authority-

we have to kill them on this.

So we need a negotiator who's unyielding,

who's ruthless, who's heartless,

who's a man of steel. That would be me.

I also need someone to carry my briefcase. Stuart?

I'm in.

Good.

Mike, I can't make this meeting.

My pet turtle Frank, he's gone.

Well, Paul, I know Frank,

and he's just the kind of turtle

who can make it in this big, crazy city.

You think so?

I know so.

O.k., people, you heard him.

We have a turtle loose in city hall.

The odds are heavily stacked against us.

They're fast, they're cunning.

Excellent jumpers.

The next order of business-

James, I need a press release on the pope's visit.

Do you wanna make a really big deal out of it?

He was here for 20 minutes.

It was like a drive-by blessing.

I don't think he changed anybody's life.

God is all around us.

He's in you, he's in me.

He's in this podium.

Who's in the podium?

God is, Mike.

And we as a city need to let the lord

back into our hearts.

There he is.

Just poked his head out.

Let us all join hands and pray.

For peace and happiness...

and for the safe return of Paul's turtle.

Turtle owner's worst nightmare.

I don't think turtle ownership is a requirement

to be in this nightmare.

So great to see you, Carter.

How are your parents?

You want this to be a pleasant lunch,

or should I ask the waitress to bring a couch over?

How are your parents doing?

Oh, they're o. k.

They sound like wonderful people.

I would love to meet them.

Easy, girl, not before the salad.

So... you're both here...

You're both single.

Ladies and gentlemen, start your small talk.

Where'd you go to college?

- Vassar. - Really?

Any history of alcoholism in your family?

Parents still together?

My parents are still married,

but they're constantly drunk.

I think that booze is the only thing holding them together.

Wow! There's a history of fidelity in his family,

and he's funny.

My work here is done.

Please tell me you're making a kite.

His eminence gave it to me as a gift.

Think it's too big for me to wear?

Uh-sir, if that were lying around the set of the exorcist,

Linda Blair would be dead now.

Why don't you just leave that with me

until you get back from your lunch at the jewish community center?

You know, Mike, I wish you could have been there

when I spoke with his eminence.

He's an amazing man.

Did you know that he speaks polish?

He is polish.

Still, it's a very tough language.

You don't have to tell me about the pope.

I've been a fan of his ever since he was

a wily left-handed monsignor out of krakow.

Just meeting him allowed me to reach a whole new level

of spiritual depth.

I think it's great for politicians to believe in God. I really do.

But sometimes it's just inappropriate for them

to talk about that in public.

You know, it's a personal thing.

What are you saying, Mike?

God is for the weekends, sir.

He's like michelob.

Hey.

Get anything?

Got it.

Please tell me you stole the minutes

from the transit workers meeting.

Yep. I had to promise Marjorie zolot

I'd take her to the movies next Saturday.

But what the hell? She gets senior citizen prices.

I thought for sure you'd have to sleep with her.

She's 63 years old.

Said "no", didn't she?

Maybe.

So, what have we got here?

Mike, we struck gold here.

At last night's meeting, they voted not to strike.

So the negotiators have nothing to bargain with.

I suppose if they saw this, they would.

O.k. Break.

Mike, the mta is here.

Send them in.

Hey, fred, Joe.

Pleasure to see you guys, as always.

I was just thinking- the partnership we have formed...

Save it, Mike. We're here for a raise,

and we're not leaving until we get it.

We're prepared to strike if we have to.

Ooh.

Them's fightin' words.

Hear that, Stuart? They're talking strike.

Ooh. The city could shut down.

Whatever would we do?

Flaherty, you've been telling us for 3 years

that you don't have the money.

Well, can you look me in the eye and tell me that's the truth?

Joe, I can look you in the eye and tell you that's the truth.

But with those big, Brown eyes,

I can't promise you I'm not gonna feel something.

When I left, you guys were having such a great time.

How could you never wanna see him again?

He didn't like the movie Titanic!

Nikki, it was just a movie.

You mean, like the bird cage is just a movie?

Hey, don't make fun of the bird cage.

It's too bad, Carter.

If they had gotten married,

you could have been both his best man and her maid of honor.

I am a quick judge of people.

Daniel has a very cute butt.

But aside from that, he is a shallow, insensitive blowhard.

I'll take him on.

Did you hear what I just said?

What? I heard "cute butt".

Thank you.

Anyone seen a spare glove floating around?

No. No, sir.

I can't believe the way you just lied

right in that union guy's face.

I loved it.

I knew you would.

And with the pope right down the hall.

You know, it was kind of like doing it in your parents' bed

when they're downstairs watching 60 minutes.

Just when the pope's getting a standing 8 count on that,

you go and put the kibosh on God at city hall.

Stuart, somebody had to do it.

But I thought you were a big catholic.

Oh, let me see. I went to catholic grade school,

catholic High school, catholic college.

I was an altar boy,

and my grandmother wanted me to be a priest.

Wouldn't say big.

So where do you go to church?

I haven't been in years.

To tell you the truth, I don't miss it.

Aahhh!

Hey!

You better watch what you're doing.

Consider this a warning.

Mike, what happened?

God.

God tried to run me over with a big truck.

He had a close call.

God is trying to send me a message.

You know, the first time I ever played tennis,

I hit myself in the face with the racket.

And I think God was trying to tell me something.

I doesn't want you wearing tennis shorts.

None of us do.

So what do you think your message is, Mike?

I don't know. That's what scares me.

Fear of a vindictive and wrathful God

is one of the basic tenets of judeo/Christian heritage.

Take a look at the 17th century calvinists, for example.

What are you doing?

Looking for your off switch.

Mike had a vision.

My grandmother has them all the time.

Were you drinking Sambuca?

I think you should go home, get some sleep. You'll feel better.

That's a good idea.

And uh-don't worry, Mike.

I'll handle everything here.

Luckily, God's message to me was

take the afternoon off.

Praise the lord! Amen!

Hallelujah!

Wisconsin rules!

Are you having trouble sleeping, friend?

Because you have not atoned for your sins.

Until you make amends for the wrongs you have done,

you will not find the rest you seek.

Oh, no.

Thanks for letting me take you to breakfast.

I'll call you.

You better.

Thanks, Buddy. Stacy and I had a great time.

We're even.

Even for what?

Nothing.

Even for the horrible time he had with me?

No, we're even. It uh...

It's street talk for...

Good-bye. You know, "see ya later".

Ooh, I've got an important meeting to go to! We're even!

Even, Buddy!

You like that guy?

He thinks he's God's gift to women.

He's funny, he's interesting.

He's rich.

The only downside is he wants to get married

and have a family. You know.

"Charming millionaire seeks woman with whom

he can start a family and live happily ever after with".

Nikki, that sounds exactly...

Zip it, hayseed.

O.k., you're probably wondering why I've asked you all in here.

I feel that in the past,

I have wronged each and every one of you.

I would like to atone for that,

and tell you how truly sorry I am.

Carter, remember when you asked me for that day off,

and I yelled at you, and I said you weren't a team player?

Well, there's no way I can give you back Christmas with your family...

But I would like you to take passover off.

Thanks. That'll really mean a lot to my family.

James...

Remember when you handed in that last speech

and I scribbled on top "is English your first language?"

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Was that some kind of insult?

James, all I'm saying is that I think you do amazing work,

and I just want to tell you that in front of everybody.

Me next, Mike! Do me! Do me!

Paul...

Paulie, Paul, Paul, Paul.

- Yeah? - Where do I start?

I'm just sorry.

Why-can't-I-sleep? Ah!

"Have you seen this turtle?"

That's a picture of Frank.

And that's me.

O.k., Paul, the next time I see a turtle wearing a top hat,

I'll let you know.

It was his birthday.

Hello, sir.

Paul...

The pope's visit inspired me a great deal.

And like him, my goal is to spread the message of hope.

Paul, your turtle is dead.

That can't be true, sir.

Frank is a fighter.

No, he's not.

You have to heal yourself and move on.

Besides, a turtle is a stupid, dumb animal.

Probably doesn't even know he's dead.

Thank you, sir.

Your words were of great comfort to me.

Hey, good morning, Mike.

You get a good night's sleep?

Are you mocking me, James?

I don't think so.

Mike, are you o. k.?

Yeah, I'm o. k. Why wouldn't I be o. k.?

You're wearing one dress shoe and one sneaker?

Sometimes I wanna be deputy mayor,

and sometimes I wanna kick field goals.

Come on, Mike. You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago.

You're gonna love this.

O.k., Mike, if you honestly tell us,

before God and everyone,

that you don't have the money,

we'll just uh- shake your hand and walk away.

Come on, Mike. Shake his hand,

and I'll get the parting gifts.

I just don't have the...

I can't do this right now.

Stacy, where's the nearest catholic church?

Sacred heart, centre street.

Very nice, great wine.

Where are you off to in such a hurry?

I'm going to church, sir.

Why couldn't he have just come unto me?

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

how long has it been since your last confession?

I don't know. What's today, Wednesday?

About 12 years.

Well, have you at least been following

the 10 commandments, my boy?

I've been trying to, but uh...

I gotta tell ya, I've been having some problems

with 3, 4, and 8.

And let me tell you, 9 is no picnic.

Uh-what is 9 again? I forget.

Uh-9 is "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife".

Of course. And 10 is "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods".

That's where I've been getting into trouble.

I've been combining those 2.

I've been coveting thy neighbor's wife's goods.

So, is that why you're here?

Uh-no. Father, see, in my job,

well, sometimes I'm forced to do things

that, if I were to step back,

I might not be so proud of.

And I'm just worried maybe I'm not on the right path.

Eh-no biggie.

I tell you what.

Give me 3 hail Marys, a couple ofour fathers, and go back to work.

That's it?

Well, one more thing.

Do you have any sex acts you want to confess to?

Married women,

gymnasts...

Twins from poughkeepsie?

Stuart.

Yeah, Mike?

I'm gonna kill you...

And confess to it at the same time!

I can't believe I blew this one.

Why is it when someone comes along with real potential,

I nit-pick and Chase him away?

We all make mistakes like that.

It's like me and Susan egan.

You know, councilman's assistant?

She was perfect for me.

We connected on every level.

She could have easily been the one.

No idea how she managed to slip through my fingers.

James, you never even introduced yourself to her.

That might've been it.

What is wrong with you two?

I mean, you are so afraid of commitment.

You meet someone. You could let 'em know you're interested,

but then the ball's in their court.

I mean, you are leaving yourself wide open for pain.

So, you sit there Saturday night watching the mets game,

when you despise baseball and you'd rather be with tom.

Tom? Who's tom?

Some guy you might have met at a gallery opening last week

who gave you his number which you stare at night after night,

because you're too afraid to call.

excuse me!

Wow, he's really got it together.

Oh, my God!

God!

Wait up!

Oh, lord!

Yo, messiah!

Jesus...

Of nazareth?

No, it's Wayne of bayridge.

So, you really are just a truck driver?

Until yesterday, I was a bus driver, too.

The mta didn't get that cash bump they were hoping for,

and they had to lay a few of us off.

I got jesus fired.

I told you, it's Wayne.

I gotta lose this beard.

Uh-wait, wait.

I work for the city.

It's my fault you didn't get that bump.

I'm so sorry.

I forgive you.

You do?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

I promise I won't go so long

without talking to you next time!

O.k., dude. Now you're freaking me out.

Tell me something, James.

Why can't I touch people?

The law is the law, sir.

Here, I've been trying to help people all day,

and all I've seemed to do is make them more miserable.

I vow, I am never, never

getting involved in anyone's life ever again!

Here you go, Paul.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, mr. Mayor!

It's a miracle!

It's not a miracle.

It's a gift.

I'm back, baby!

Sit, ubu, sit good dog.

moo.

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